Are You an “Over” or “Under” Functioner? A Hilarious and Helpful Guide to YOUR Stress Style
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Hey, is your friend mell, and welcome to the male. Today you and I are going to do something so awesome. I'm going to bring you into my life in real time as I am experiencing ing a breakdown. That's right.

Just this morning I had something incredibly stressful happen and I decided because I knew that this was something that you would likely relate to, that I would just hit the voice memo, and I would take you into the stressful breakdown in real time. The reason why I wanted to do that is because there are only two ways, according to the research, that U. N.

I cope with stressed situations. When the ship is a fan in your life, you are either what researchers call an over functioning or an under functioned. Now, my husband and I are opposite Chris.

Stressful situation under functions. Mell SHE over functions. This is a very common problem, and friendships and relationships, if you don't understand your automatic response to stress, IT gets the best of you.

And so am so excited for today because we're going to go in to the stressful situation you're going to see yourself in, neither now or Chris. Let's go to the scene this morning, sitting in the front seat of my husband's pickup truck. I am on packing in real time for you.

The shit that went down on the drive there. And will you just give me some Grace? This is not my finest tower.

And especially if you identify with Chris, you're going to think i'm a real nightmare. But I am willing to show you the worst sides of me so that we can all become a little bit Better. So without further a do meet over functioning male robbins.

So i'm sitting here in the front seat of crisis pick up and. I just want to talk to you. I have had one hell of a morning.

And you know, when you have a morning or a day where everything just goes off the rails and you can feel your heart pounding in your chest, that is me right now. My heart is pressing against the seat belt. IT has just been one thing after another.

So I thought, you know, i'm going to pick up my phone and hit record, and i'm just going to talk to you because for me, i'm the kind of person that needs to process this kind of stuff out loud. And I figured that hearing how ideal with the circumstances of life that stresses is all out IT might help you the next time you feel like your day, just one off the rails. So Chris has a colonoscopy appointment today.

And for the past twenty four hours, he has been prepping for IT. He's been grumpy. He's been back and forth to the bathroom and we've been sending funny memes and our family group chat. One of the funny ones, you know those scenes in a movie where there's a big like explosion or car crash, and somebody is casually walking away from this massive blifil and thinking of like the fast and furious movies as if nothing's en. The kids were joking that that was Chris leaving the bathroom last night every time he would go in there, because the colonos cope cleanout medication was working.

I knew that we are going to have a really early morning departure this morning, and so I planned on getting up at the ass crack of dawn so that I could let the dogs out and get my morning rituals in and setting myself ups so that I can sit the hospital and have everything ready. And in other podcast, the mell Robin's podcast, he did this episode about evening routines and how evening routines help you set up a morning routine. Well, guess what? I didn't listen to that fucking bitch.

I did not set myself up last night. No, not at all. Did not listen to that advice.

No, what have been great had I set out my computer would have been great had I set out the chords I needed and the notebook, or printed out the transcripts that I needed to review, so that I could have been prepared when I woke up and empowered. But no, I didn't do that. I went to bed and I forgot to set my fucking alarm.

And so I was woken up this morning hearing Chris shuffle indoor, our bedroom goche mad, hungry, has been up all night, empty the pipes. I shoot out of bed like a rocket. Oh my god.

We've got twenty five minutes to four response to leave. I let the dogs out. I feed the dogs are now racing around crisis now, quietly to the pickup truck where he is climbing into the front seat and we're climbing IT like a bed.

And I don't know about you, but when i'm running late and my family gets into the car, IT makes my heart race because I now feel the added pressure of not only racing around like a lunatic and feeling stressed out because I have shot myself in the foot, but i'm feeling the added pressure because people are now waiting for me. So I go back and forth to the car, I put my water in my coffee, and I start grabbing stuff from the office, from my bedroom, from all these other places. And it's kind of a nights are onest late.

And so I clip into the car and my heart is raising. I did not turn out the transfer, but now up against arriving on time jet. And Chris is found to sleep, and i'm thinking, we just have to go.

We just have to go. I have now doubly shot myself in the front because I have not gotten my morning routine, and that helped me feel grounded. So i'm feeling behind the ball there.

I have half the stuff that I need, and I don't even know what i've forgotten. I don't have time to get IT because I really need to support Chris right now. And so I back out of the driveway. We start driving. It's a nice, quiet fifteen minutes i'm doing by psychological or physiological.

To try to activate my parasympathetic relaxed, calm response it's starting to work. I'm thinking OK just gona have a nice quiet drive and all the sun our son calls. Now it's eight, fifteen and he's supposed to be sitting in class to high school. And so I pick up the phone and I like, hey o what's up, mom, mom, I don't know what to do.

Mom, mom, the jeep is just stop working and just like all this, and just stop working and I don't know what to do like it's drive, but it's not going anywhere in the electricity on and i'm in the middle the road and oh my god, my god, i'm like, okay. And now my heart is reason again. And I take a deep breath.

And now Chris hears this. So he wakes up and I say, oak, no problem. Take a deep breath.

Are you stopped? Yes, and stop. But I don't want to take my foot off the, but the car is not moving. I don't know what to do. And of is that I here adults talking is I called them on all these adults because is, of course, right outside the school.

So i'm driving away from him, of course, because i'm heading an hour and forty minutes away to a hospital, and I hear other adults going, why don't we disconnect the battery? Why don't we do this? Why don't we do that? I realize he's in good hands.

He tells me i'm OK a and so I take a deep breath and all of that flood, you know, how sometimes happens to somebody you love, and you immediately feel guilty for not being there. You immediately feel like somehow you've done something wrong. Well, this is me.

That's what happened. I immediately started to feel that way. Oh my god, you know, the venting is not making me feel Better.

I thought I would would make me feel Better. And I wondering if it's because I can't hear you responding. So i'm pretty, my head in my heart. It's okay. It's okay.

So what comes back? And he says, all these cool adults stopped and help me. We disconnected the battery and we were able to push the car over to the side of the road.

Can you and dad help? I don't know what to do and saw I said, sure, you go to school, take a photo worthy, the jeep is, and we will get a 叫 drug。 Now by this point, Chris is awake and he is reclined with a pillow and a blanket in the passenger seat.

Now i'm driving up, uh, highway ninety one, and he is all cultural ly. So Chris cuts on the phone, and I don't know you like this, but I cannot help myself in situations where i'm stressed out. I cannot help myself.

I start stressing over how Chris is handling the call with tripoli. Tell them that you're going to a colonoscopy. Tell him that oakley in school, tell him this, that like, I like and I thinking, shoot up, melt, shoot up, melt, shoot up, mount.

So I tell myself, I four, three, two, one, just. And i'm trying to stay quiet as Chris is managing this call. Oh, my god, I don't know what is wrong with me. I literally could not help myself. He gets to the near end of the corneal.

You ask me because i'm thinking they will help you more if they know that you're going to the hospital so we can handle this and then that way they know we're not responsible parents. IT is so ridiculous. Chris is a fifty three year old, grown as man.

He knows how to handle triple light. And here I can not help myself. You know what I have? I have over functioning anxiety.

That's my issue. See, there are two types of anxiety in the world. There is over functioning, and there is only functioning.

Over functioning is when you get into a stressful situation and you become the helper, you cannot stop yourself from being the first responder. I'll do this. I'll do that, orgeron.

Everybody else around, like you're a nightmare to be around. And on one hand, IT is a superpower to have over functioning anxiety. And on the other hand, IT is horrendous to have IT.

Because you stop all over everybody else and everybody else ability and capacity to handle things and you think you can do a Better, and it's not even that you think you can do a Better, is that your alarm state in your body when you get stressed out goes into such a five alarm fire drill that you lose your ability to think rationally? And the truth is, crisis perfectly capable of handling a call with tripoli. In fact, he did not just fine.

And I am capable of shutting up and letting other people help. But when you have over functioning anxiety, you travel everyone around you and you go into this mode where you, like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And that not all that was going on, by the way, because Chris hings up with triple play.

And I realized, oh my gosh, it's now eight thirty, and I haven't heard from our daughter who has a virtual appointment with a doctor right now. And so i've then call her and go straight to voice mail. And I like, oh, you must beyond with IT. And so I then call her back straight to voice for straight voice file.

And I realized, oh my god, SHE has flew through this thing because when I checked down or before I lost IT and I ask, gone and he was kind of warm because she's been sick and SHE chit, chit, chit chit, she's going to miss her appointment. Oh, my god. And now the first responder, more goes on and then the phone rings and it's okay.

Dad, what do I do? I don't know what to do. Is the total I got to go to school.

What do I do? So now, Chris talking to oak, and I now trying to reach our daughter, who is missing her virtual health appointment. I spent literally two hours trying to get this things set up.

And then a school administrator beeps, son, and he starts to tell Christa, she's more than happy to handle the situation. So what do you think your red melrose is? Does oh my got my hearts racing.

I literally start telling Chris how to utilize this amazing school administrator, mary, who was called in to help and she's going, hey, just, you know, i'm happy to meet the tow truck. Here's my phone number. What do you want me to do? And Christ's going well here.

Why don't you go get oak phone and when they call oakly phone? And i'm like talking over Chris. No, just have mary.

Give mary tell, tell the two tk carded. I am an uncontrollable freak. And so as I sit here in the front seat of the big up truck in a parking light. Outside of darmon hitchcock hospital, and I am coming myself down, and i'm settling back into my body, and I notice them in trying to take control. I just trapped all over everything. So with a little bit of Grace and a little bit of compassion, I thought, why not you and I talk about these two different types to stress response, over functioning and underfund 上 ing。

You can learn the research around why self awareness is critical, and what you can do when you catch yourself in this situation, and the reason why you want to catch yourself is because if you're somebody like me who just goes in, I got you, I got you, I got IT mode, you don't let other people rise up and express themselves or rise up and help. And you burn out, you stress everybody out, and it's not a good thing you can help without being a freak monster like I was. And if you're more like I don't know what to do, freeze and you feel helpless and you wait for somebody else to tell you what to do and you question yourself and you start to spiral, that's not great either because you need to learn how to advocate for yourself, how to step up, how to problem solve when that alarm goes off in your body.

And that's what we're gona talk about today on the mall Robin's broadcast. Okay, i'm going to take a deep breath. My heart is no longer pounding, and I am going to go find the nearest starbucks or dunkin donuts and i'm going to get a yummy up a coffee and i'm going to get a snack for Chris and.

We're going to talk about over functioning and underfund 上 ing anxiety when we came back。 Oh, i'm so excited to tell you about one of our sponsors or a friends. I love them.

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Christopher a rovs, your Cherry ET awaits. Hi andsome. You're walking just fine after that.

Thanks on hi baby. Hi feeling. That's all your food. I would also love to talk to you about what a bodog stress for I was this faring?

okay.

Did you experiences that?

Yeah, a little bit. But I was more I was more aware of just your A D H D or whatever you were doing. You were distracted by something.

But I was free that when all .

we call you mean why we are driving over here.

Yeah.

you were your typical stressed itself. So why don't we just take a drive home and do with that when we get home?

Are you talking about we get home here?

So ah IT is several hours after all of that that you just heard. And I am now upstairs above the garage in our house and seven month Chris has taken his nap and the anesthesia a has worn off. I don't know how much of this morning he's gonna a remember, but I have invited him to come up here.

And as Christina, I start on packet, one of the things that's important to know is that your response to stress right now, it's automatic and the functioning versus over functioning, it's not good or bad. Neither one is the one that you want. What the goal is today is for you to become aware of which one is your defauts.

Because when you become aware of how stress or anxiety or overwhelm or emergencies trigger an automatic response in you, you can then become more compassionate with yourself, and you can also start to change IT. And that's where the powers here he comes. Hey, so how is your your nap? I know you slept off the procedure.

I was good.

awesome. Um thank you for agreeing to come up here and unpack this with me. I would love to ask you, what is IT like when I become like a tornado in those stressful situations?

It's tough. I mean, sometimes it's fanatic tornado like behaviour, but often you become kind of just a bodo zer. And so all about your opinion or your angle or your solution. And nobody .

ever likes .

to feel like they're getting game ruled over.

Is that how you felt when you were on the phone with tripoli and the top truck company? And i'm like going give IT to mary, don't do the thing with you. Like what was that like for you?

Yeah that's precisely when when you say tornadoes, that's what I was thinking of was that particular incident. So is a little tough when you're on the phone with somebody and somebody outside of you is the barking orders at what to do or say because first, while you can only hear out of one year and secondly, you're also trying to process what the other person on the phone is saying. So you got a lot of input.

And when the external input, like from you, which was do this, do that, you know, thinking ten steps ahead a while, coming from the right place and wanting to be helpful, it's not helpful. It's a sort of destructive to the conversation a little bit, or at least the attempt in this case that I was making to solve the problem. Now that's not to say your input is not valuable, but probably the way in which you and I could both go about capturing that input, we could probably Better .

at definitely. Well, let's just talk about that moment that oakly called because he called and he tried you first and then, and because you are sleeping on the way to the hospital for your colonoscopy, he then called me because you didn't pick up and he was in the middle of the road and the car stopped driving a sounded panic and. I immediately in that moment, felt overwhelmed and anxious and worried about him.

And so like there was of a zero ten, there was like an alarm ringing inside me that felt like an eight. And my mind started racing zero to ten. How stressful of an alarm was IT for you, and what happens in your mind when something like that happens?

I would say I was probably a three or or four maybe swing more towards s the three, because we had OK on the phone. He was not overly frantic in his own communication, but he was clearly going through the first time experience of having a car breakdown and being on the road or the side of the road. I don't think either of us asked him, are you safe? Which would have been a good first question.

We ask him if he was okay. He said, yes, i'm OK. Well, I think it's important to note that that small situation for your registered as a three, but for me it's an eight.

So already our insides feel totally different. And when a situation like that happens for you, what happens in your brain? Because it's very clear that what happens for me as i'm twenty five steps ahead, the second .

the alarm rings, right? They're in this part of the the good. And the chAllenge of IT is that it's great to have somebody on the team who's thinking twenty steps ahead, but not if all the information hasn't been gathered yet and where at least I was in that very acute moment was trying to collect the information and I was collecting IT from, okay. And then I was collecting IT from mary.

the school administrator .

we still need to get .

flowers for, yeah.

And the toy company and the toy company, triple a and triple a. And I was on the way to the hospital myself.

Well, this is a really important thing to distinguish because I go into hyper drive as an over functioning, and I skip the information gathering. I get just what I think I need, and I am already twenty five steps ahead.

Problems solving, problem solving, problem solving, solving where as you slow things down and you go into, researchers call IT underfund 上 ing， but you go into a mode of slowing things down to process and collect information so that you can make decisions. This is all from harriet learner. SHE is one of the most respected, incited psychologists.

Over time, under and over find singing. These are terms that SHE first point as a way to describe the way people respond to stress and how IT impacts their ability to function in those situations. Harriet learner has this phrase that I love because, again, we want you to get out of the trap where you do this on automatic. I could feel myself wanting to talk over Chris when the call .

came in and shut up and where I get or perceive judgment from you, particularly in a situation like this where you're barking and do this and do that. And it's that there is an unspoken assumption that I am not in problem solving mode and that is not at all accurate, that while I may be slower to jump to the decision or you might feel like i'm being too methodical in my information collecting, i'm always thinking about a solution every step of the way.

I will take responsibility for the fact that that is true and actually the research bears is out. Harriet learner found that over functioning like me, who prioritize action, action, action, action, action, and fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.

And I got IT in the way I going to do this right, because my is driving the problem solving that when we are in a relationship with somebody who is in the slower fact gathering processing under functioning role, resentment builds up. Because we feel the pressure to Carry the alarm. We think that the actions have to match the height of the alarm we feel inside and the slow, methodical processing nature of stopping together.

Facts does make IT seem to somebody like me that this doesn't matter you or it's not as important you and I just i'm i'm just saying you're right and so you feeling the anger whatever IT is in me because there's a part of me that's like, why is he not matching the intensity like this is important that I get mad because I feel like i'm all alone and thinking that this is a problem and why are you like hyping up and oh my god, you know, but they move the car, Chris. So why didn't you tell the toe company that the cars not in the place that you told him? IT like, I like, and IT all honey, driven by an instinctual reaction. You and I have been trapped in a dynamic since we have met each other. So that's twenty nine years.

I guess a gift. Yeah give get more .

where I do this. I travel all over you. When the alarm inside me rings.

When the alarm inside you rings, you go in, can you such process, and you feel really not supported by me, and I feel mad you and IT creates a dynamic where you just assume mls gona do anything anyway, so why bother? And IT leaves you no room to really take the lead or to even problems solve in your own way, because my over functioning has fuck and trapped you. And I don't I don't like this in me.

I'm not saying I want you to be more like me, dear god. No, but this is something that everybody has. Either they see themselves in new Chris, or they see themselves in me. So what do you wish? Well, couple things about that.

What's interesting is that the resentment cuts both ways. You know, you you might resent me for not fighting fire with fire or responding how you would, but when I feel bulldogs, or that you're not giving me the space to do what I am equally as committed to doing as you, which is solving the problem, then I feel bullied, mistrusted, you know, like that I am not good enough in the approach that i'm taking. So the assessment does cut both ways. But the anxiety piece, guess, after twenty nine years, there is a, fortunately, I don't cut you out altogether, but I take your anxious state with a grain of salt, and I allow IT to be anxious and there, but i'm way Better at at having IT throws me off.

So you've been able to put up a force field, you know, Chris, sometimes I wish I could put up a force field and protect myself for myself, said harriet. Learner does have some direction for us, though. SHE says that you need to learn how to hang in.

And what that means is that when you're hanging in with the other person during a stressful situation, IT means stop yourself from doing what you Normally do. So her guidances, if you like me, hanging in means, ml, hold your tongue. So for anybody that is an over functioning in stress situations, say, fifty percent less than you would Normally do. And Chris, her guidance for you is that when stress hits, hanging in means, as you catch yourself slowing down and you feel yourself kind of going quiet as your processing, hanging in means don't leave me make sure that you start talking more and telling me that you're processing because otherwise that silent processing IT creates anger inside of me because anybody that's an over functioning in your silence you start to feel abandoned like you don't care about what's going on right?

I perceive judgment from you.

I'm sure you do perceive that judgment and i'm sorry about that. Why don't we just take a quick break right now so that um we can have everybody hear a word from our sponsors and then when we come back, here's what i'd love to do. I would love to figure out not only using the research but also just working together as a couple, how can we support one another Better through these stressful moments will be right back.

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Welcome back. It's mell robbins and I got my husband Chris here and we're talking about what you do when you get stressed out. As the famous psychologist, best selling author and researcher harriet learner says, you are either an over function or when you get stressed out, or you under function when you get stressed.

And so Chris, i've been talking about this. And Chris, I have a question for you. What do you wish I would do in these situations? I'm going to try to hang in, but i'd love to hear from you what would that look like? Like how could I show up differently?

Well, I think that with .

respect the .

anxiety or the the nervousness about IT, to the extent we're not dealing with a life threatening issue, we could probably be Better about getting to the root of what the fear and source of anxiety is for you. If we had as much where we thought to stop and have that conversation like go out, what is triggering the anxiousness? What's the worry item saying like slow down the which I with all the respect, I have little hope for us being so that conversation, because year twenty steps I had wanting to solve the problem and be crazy about IT.

This is why I want to talk about this with everybody, because every one of us has an automatic subconscious response to a stressful situation. And there is no doubt, my mind that you literally go silent and your process, and I hear you, you are a problems solving, and you are reacting in your own way. And my automatic response is to move in the hyper speed action, because IT simulates this feeling that I am taking control of a situation that has triggered me to feel out of control.

And one of the things that you could do if I start barking over you is if you were to just turn to me and go, what are you afraid of right now? Or actually, what's scaring you melt because that would hit me at a more emotional level and IT would allow me to feel like you're recognizing that i'm not being a bitchy bulldozer, but there's something that actually is scaring me and that would be the root cause. One thing that would help me respect you as if you would call me out well.

by asking the question, what are you fearful of? You are being called out a little bit yeah.

in a kind way. What what do you scared of? Mali would have said, i'm scared that he's alone. I'm scared that ah you know something bad's gonna en. I'm scared that we're not there.

I'm scared that he's gotta figure this out on his own and he's gonna feel ancient and feel abandoned bias. I'm scared of all these big things that aren't really an issue. The kid has a car that broke down four blocks from high school like we're OK here now. But there are bigger things driving this for me. So if you ask me what you scared right now, IT would help me at that.

But then would you expect us to just set aside all of your spoken fears and redirect attention toward a solution that may not address your fears? Or should we actually take those fears and say, okay, well, what we're going to do right now with oakly is make sure that or accounting for you.

you know it's cute is you're even processing what I just said now, like your problem solving and parsing. So you're even seeing this. You guys in real time, like Chris is seeking to understand.

He's gathering information. If you ask me that question, what are you scared right now? Now IT would have me turn toward the source and realized, okay, this is an irrational fear, given the circumstances.

Handle the call. Just make sure you tell him that you move the car. I'll tell you .

what would .

help me. I think IT would help me as if we're in that situation if you were to just be like I need a sick and processing or I need to suck, i'm thinking about how to solve this problem.

So shut the fuck up doesn't work.

You just have to add in, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to solve the problem and I can't with you fucking barking at him, it's probably not as kind as what are you scared of, honey? Yeah and give me a second. I'm processing or handle IT, and that would help me do what I need to do, which is speak seventy five percent less.

right? And not a digress. But part of the chAllenge that both you and I have as parents in situations like this with our own kids, is that they do often get excEllent council and problem solving from you, real time, fast. And so IT is a bit of a natural tendency of theirs to come to you for that.

It's true. Our kids come to you to .

talk and and I admire.

and I admire .

that about you. The twenty steps ahead because there are some value and power in that. But I think that in situations where IT just completely evita tes, the contribution I could bring to the table, then that's no good. We I think that there is a happy medium .

that .

we can always improve upon and be more team, more oriented versus, my opinion, is a Better one than years.

Our ability to function crip based on the research comes stand to your ability to make decisions, your ability to act on those decisions and the ability to handle emotion. So if you put yourself in a situation where there is a real emergency, how does stress hit your brain? Like do you go? no. Does everything slow down?

I don't know about slow down, but a narrowing of focus, majority, and a little bit of nonetheless.

Can you think of a time, Chris, zero to ten, when that alarm inside you was going off, you were stressed and overwhelmed, and you kind of went into this mode of processing.

Yes, I would say recently with our daughter sawyer and the trip that you took to mh general spent the day in the E. R. And getting all those tests and we were informed not really knowing what was going on or getting third and information or being stonewalled by our daughter, uh, about not coming down and.

Interestingly enough, that was another scenario with the two of us where you were pretty typed up. And I gotto do this. I gotto do that.

And in this very expressive, frantic mode. And what i'm what i'm picking up on is that that day I was IT was heightened for me too. And what i'm seeing in this conversation is that I was responding all day.

but a lot of .

IT was internal and you label that as me quote processing. So there's actually a judgment inside of that, at least I feel because while IT doesn't on the outside look as though i'm twenty steps ahead with all gazillions types of solutions, you and I are still very much aligned in the sense that we are in the mist of IT like we were both feeling that whatever heightened eight, nine and ten, eleven, if you want to respond to IT about the situation, we were going about IT in different ways.

Well, the situation, just to bring everybody in the loop, is our daughter had been sick for like two weeks with weird symptoms, just odd symptoms. And so he goes to clinic on friday in boston, and they do a bunch of test and then send to the E. R.

At mass general. And we learn about this, about tanoa clock in the morning. And my immediate reaction was, I got a, and our daughters, like you, SHE narrows her focus.

He said, no, i'm good. They're just running some test. A roommate minds gonna with me. I'm a little nervous, but it's fine. I'll call you if I need you. Now we live three and a half hours away, and I was ready to get a car.

And I said to Chris, i'm going to get a car and he's like, I just talked her and he said she's OK and so I didn't get the feeling from you that you were nervous at all. And all day long I was saying, I really need to go. I think I should go.

I think I should go. I should go down. And and soil at every turn was like, it's OK. It's okay. And then finally, about three o'clock, when he said they've just pulled twenty three vials of blood, my hearts sag. And I got in the car and I went down and I got there.

And with your support and you, I have to say, said, I got to stay here because we have two dogs. And part of me is even like, fuck, the dogs will get somebody to come over. This is our kid. Like, we got to go and i'm learning a couple things in this conversation that's super helpful seriously yeah IT as .

i'm getting triggered to over .

function and i'm scarring around and i'm emitting all this nervous energy and i'm calling this person and calling that person and calling this person and calling that person and what should I do? And i'm going to go. And then SHE, I never stopped myself in that business to go.

What do I need to do? Like, forget about what so saying, forget about what Chris is doing. What do I need to do for me? And the fact is, I learned a really important lesson. You do not ask somebody if they want you there, if you feel called to just show up getting the fucking car ago. And that is the lesson that I have learned from that, because IT was all of a certain series and I could have been there then, but I didn't listen to myself in the beginning because I was so busy being triggered that I didn't actually get quiet to go. What in my heart tells me is what I need to do, even if she's walking out of the hospital by the time I get there.

But that you that also points back to the question and the benefit of asking that question, what are you trigger by what are you RAID of? Because had we had that conversation, you would have arrived at this decision about what you needed, and you would have gotten in the car sooner than you already did.

I would have gotten in ten o'clock in the morning, and i'll tell you why. If you would ask me, what are you scared of? I would have said, i'm scared that she's going through something scary alone. And I would have talked about a memory that I had when our son oakly was six days old and he was rushed for life saving surgery to mass general, the same hospital.

And we were told to go get our things and to prepare ourselves, because we might not make IT to the hospital and pack our bags, because if he did make IT, we were gonna be there for a while. And when we walked into mass general, into the niko and the doors swan open, Robin hog and lisa shorts, we're standing there. They had heard what was going on.

There were two of our closest friends, and Robert and lisa just showed up because they had had kids in the next q and they knew how scary IT was. And they knew that we wouldn't know how to ask for help, that we just needed somebody there, and they showed up. And I will always love them for that.

And I will never forget what I felt like to see two people there for us. And so I would have said i'm scared that she's going to be in that hospital and be alone. And SHE was for eleven hours, and SHE learned a lot too about her underfund 是 ing， and not pushing people away and asking for help.

That was a huge revelation. But I think that question is more powerful than I realize. What are you scared of? And for me, i'm learning that I need to stop myself, I need to stop talking, I need to drop into my body, and I need to work with you to help you on pack what I need to do for me in that moment.

Yeah, I would agree with all of that, except for this. Stop talking. I think just talking in an organized, less tornado like faction is maybe more like IT. One kind of afraid.

if I open my mouth at all, will come out like a toronto. One more thing, what if I want to call you a trip leader? Because this is something else I would recommend people do.

One of the things that has come up in our therapy with doctor Cooper that has really helped our relationship in terms of identifying these dynamics where we're not imbaLance or we're kind of in our separate corners is he asked me once. To describe an experience where you were in complete control and I felt totally safe and taking care of. And I said, oh, every campaign, p we go on every hiking experience, fly fishing.

We're up in the mountains or in the medal. nowhere. Chris robbins is my trip leader.

I even think about anything the man has IT handled. I am never anxious. I am never worried.

He is in charge. I will follow this guy anywhere. And that has become my little nickname for you, my trip leader. And so instead of me.

not my trip leader, the trip later.

wow, the trip leader has arrived. People, well, you're kind of my trip leader. I mean, I like to think of you is my trip leader, but you are the trip leader, especially when you're leading your retreats for sold degree. All those awesome guys go on your two retreats.

I'm sort of making a little bit of a joke that you know.

So would you rather me call out that I need the trip later right now?

Yeah I I think we should try that .

for sure and see if IT .

shifts something because the interesting thing about what you say about like feeling taking care of when we go fishing or capped or something is that once again, I am always twenty steps ahead like I often feel like I am in real life too, but i'm doing IT in a way that is not there's not nearly as much outward expression in that solution mindedness and thinking, okay, what's coming next? How do we account for that? And so by way of maybe using that term, trip leader IT would even be a reminder to me to work us both into a more thoughtful kind of, my god, what's going on here, what's trigger ing the angst? Let's get to the root of that first. That might be a helpful nudge.

There's one final thing I want to say because I know you has some things you need to do this afternoon. I'm also getting how IT really sucks that you're not getting credit for the amount of hard thinking and problem solving and worrying that you are doing. I'm sorry for that.

Thanks for saying that I hadn't really spend much time thinking about that, but I think you're actually right. So I accept your apology.

Thank you. I love you. I love .

you too.

And speaking of love, I want to be sure, in case nobody else tells you today, whether you're an under functioning or you're an over functioning, I love you. I love you. And I believe in your ability to catch yourself, to hang in, as harriet learner has advised us, to ask for what support unit from the people around you, and to use everything you just learn today to create a Better life.

Sorry, hope. Nothing stressed what happens in the special days. But now you know how to handle IT. I'll talk in a few days.

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented soly for educational and entertainment purposes.

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