Raw and Refreshing Advice on Navigating Anxiety, Insecurity, Popularity, & Peer Pressure in Your Teenage and 20-Something Years
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Head to your nord stream rack store to score great brands, great Prices, the greatest gifts of all time. A H friend mell, and welcome to the male Robin's. Today we are answering your questions, and I say we because I have invited our eighteen year old son, oakly robbins, onto the podcast because so many of the questions that i'm getting from listeners around the world are related to either the teens or Young adults in your life.

You're worried about them. You want to know how to connect with them. You're worried about their anxiety about things that are going on at school or in college.

And so I thought, why don't we just get oakley in the seat and oak, you can do your best to explain what the average teenager or Young adult is thinking as we answer questions from people around the world. Okay, great. right? Anything else that you think people should .

know before we jump in to be here?

God, oh my gosh. I'm sight to be back to, all right. So i'm just hear it's going to roll.

I have a stack of literally several hundred questions and either just very thank you, a sample of the ones that we've got in the last forty eight hours. Oak has not seen these questions. And are we going?

We're we're just perfect. Let's go for you are right.

great. Here's the first one. Why is IT so hard to get my sons to talk? When my eighteen year old is upset, he stops talking to all of us.

I think for some people, I mean, everybody processes like annoyance and anger differently. And I mean, I know experts, psychologists, but I feel like sometimes the way that men or boys can process anger is they need time to themselves and they don't want to a talk about IT. Um it's also a bit of a norm for men to just be closed off in general and not really sure how they feel in general.

And he may be falling under that category, which is a possibility because boys at high school don't like to share how they feel most of the time. Why sign of weakness? I guess a worry that to show how you truly feel if you're upset or angry.

It's not masculine, which is a word that people throw around. But I think that it's not because your son is angry with you or doesn't like you. It's because he feels as though what he needs to be doing to achieve a certain standing in a social hierarchy or the life he's living right now is to not share .

and to stay quiet oh so in the life of the average teenage or Young adult male social hierarchy, like the guys are like quiet and brute. That's like a plus.

You Normally don't share if you're sad. Anger is something people share, okay, but sadness if you're into somebody like you don't really people don't really share that because that isn't very masculine, I guess, is the word that people use really.

If you like someone, wow, you gotta pretend like you don't care. No, wow. So let's break this question apart a little bit. Because I noticed, particularly in the mornings or at the end of the day, if you've got a lot of homework, you're usually pretty pissed off. And gravy and IT is obvious to me, particularly in the mornings, that you do not want me talking to yeah .

and you do a great job about I I really appreciated.

But why? So can you explain why me talking to you when you're in a state where you're annoyed about something? Why does that bother you?

I mean, the the mornings in the afternoons are two different times for me, like in the afternoon yeah, when I get home from the school and this is for every kid, we just went through eight or nine hours of social interactions and tests and papers and classes. And so when you get home, the last thing you want to do is have a twenty minute conversation breaking down every little thing that happened at school.

So yeah, well, what you want to do when I get home, at least I want to go to my room, maybe sit in there for a minute or two. Can I just be alone, hang out for a second, and then when I come back down to you are more ready and willing to open up, but in the mornings, this this may just be like a me thing, but I just like I wake up, I have just got to get out the door. Like, I don't want to be slow down.

Like, i'm super tired. Like, i'm upset that I just woke up. I was super happy being sleep. I feel like I will be set off very easily if somebody y's trying get my way and talk to me. I don't know that.

everybody what I think it's really helpful. And I also feel like if you've got a lot of stuff that you're processing and you're not ready to talk about IT, there's nothing more irritating than somebody trying yeah can talk about.

And in terms of the answer, the question, why is IT so hard to get sons to talk? There is the larger piece of IT, which is all day long, and people that identify male are getting bombarded with the message that emotions are weak, you talking about how you feel as a weakness. And so it's getting reinforce and reinforce to just keep IT inside.

Second reason is they might be processing something and they're not ready to talk about IT. yeah. And prying makes you what I mean.

IT makes me frustrated because I still don't really know half the time.

okay. And so do you have any advice? Because her second part of a question is when my eighteen year old ders upset, he stops talking to all of us.

And you do that too. I do. You remove yourself when you're mad about something. So if you have somebody in your life that removes themselves the way that only does with us when eat like is about to blow a gasket, what is the best strategy? Just speaking from your shoes OK.

How much time you need? What's the best way to approach the topic after you? You've kind of pulled away. K.

so if I get up to go, like, don't stop me. I'm not trying to be so. I am just trying to leave like I don't want to be a part of this conversation anymore for the piece. About time.

I think that it's just different for everybody and every situation, like if i'm more upset or less upset and may take more or less time and then to know when to reengage and to try and to have that conversation, I think I give like a subtle q as and like I come back down into like a public space and I don't really say anything, but i'm just like hanging out. Maybe i'll try to eat something or do something, but I will be near you guys and i'll wait for you guys to engage. I don't know if that's how everybody works, but I give a sign. And I think most people do give a sign when they ready to talk in my sign as I come back down and am in a public space.

And is there a leading line that you would want to hear from me or dad?

I just like, how are you feeling, hey, bud, like that kind of thing? Like, hey, bud, I feel like that kind of talking down, but more like, how are you feeling? I know if you're very upset.

Would you like to talk about IT? Would you like to talk about IT? I like that. Acknowledge the feelings that you saw and then ask, would you like to talk about IT? And I take IT if the person's like now you just given their space.

given more place.

okay, great.

actually. Yeah, one more thing, you have a line. What I have, this is really good. And I think everybody should use IT.

But if your child is willing to open up and maybe your first thought to jump right in and give advice and solve the problem, but you have a line that you use all the time, which is, do you want me to give advice, or do you want me to just listen? And so if your child decides to open up, I recommend using that line because they might not want you to solve the issue. They might just want to tell you what's going on and that's IT.

You never want advice.

yeah. Cause I feel like i'm able to work things out most of the time.

most of the time. All right, we're gona probably go more and more into that because there were a lot of questions about how you reach topics with your teams and your yong adults, how you build trust. And so let's do another one. How do you teach your kids about clicker .

behavior and clicker? Yeah 嗯， i remember there were clicks. My middle school, I wouldn't say there is as many at my high school more just like friend groups.

What's the different .

of friend group and a all? Give my thing. The click is very closed off. They only engage with each other. I don't really lot of the people in and like a friend group is just like it's a group of people who you Normally see hanging out but they are including yeah I think .

the word click if you say the word click, it's negative.

It's a negative word and there's .

a certain group of people, whether an adult or you're a Young adult or youth, if I say the word click, there's a certain group of people that you immediately think of because they are exclusive and they seem kind of judge yes.

okay. So if you are outside of a click, and there are people that you like inside of IT, I would just stay away from the click. And if you are in a click, I would recommend that you either change your ways and I click or just leave, because IT is not a very positive environment and people do not think very positively of IT.

That's true. Even if you think that's the popular girl click, people still don't think positive of them.

You should, you should always take what makes you happy over like social standings. I would say you don't need to hang out with the popular people to be happy.

okay? We got to go dig deep into that. How do you do that? Because we all think we need to be popular, or we need to hang out with the popular people in order to be happy.

People feel happy when they're seen, and you feel seen when you're in the popular crew because people know your name and they are sang hiding in the halls and you're getting invited to the parties. But when you, like, take a deep look into that group, you realized that half of them hate each other, or they talk shit about each other all the time, right? Which I ve heard on counter occasions at my school.

Like there's a group like that, i've talked to them and they've said the worst thing to their friends about their friends, which I would never imagine my friend saying about me, I can definitely feel good to be recognized. But when you look back your experience, we are going to realize that I was shallow and you weren't enjoying the people you are with. And so to get out of that is my recommendation is find people who, when you hang out with them, you feel trust and you feel safe, and you also feel enjoyment and you feel secure.

What does that feel like? How do you know?

For me, it's like a gut feeling, like when I see my friends are, like, those are my people I know like they have my back. And if you're unsure, there will be situations that come up where they will take your side. Can you give .

an example, like if you've been in a situation where you thought you were with your people, but then somebody did something in your leg?

Oh my god. yeah. yes. So in my middle school I was friends with the popular boy group my school and I was I was happy about, I thought I was um and I wore genes every day to school on the one day that I wore shorts, one of the guys in the front was like, your legs looks so weird and then they went around and told everybody, and my legs looks so weird and then everybody is having on my legs and there were a few days they were like, that's not cool. Don't do that and I was like, those are the guys. Like, those are my guys because those are the guys that are just standing up for me, even though the popular dude isn't.

That leads right into this question, how do I help my son deal with. Kids who say hurtful things, he has a very hard time ignoring them.

Um I mean, when people say horful things.

Like A O K questions .

um and i'll get to them on um when .

people .

say are for things two other people yeah nine times at a ten IT is because they are in a world of hurt right now yeah whether that be family, friends maybe academically there's always something wrong with their life and they're taking out their frustration on somebody else but IT still hurts correct?

People say things. So how in the moment when somebody says your legs are weird or they call you some name or they leave you out or or something you've experienced is when you always end up being the person in a game that's IT so you you're suddenly getting picked on an excluded because the whole point of whatever game you're playing in fizz or whatever it's like go after oakly yeah and you start to realize that everybody's out for you so when it's happening, you can save yourself. Well, people just doing this to me because they hate your life are getting IT, but is still sucks s so how do you cope with? Well.

this is a little bit different, but one way to make IT go away, yes, I think, is just to not really react to IT and honestly make fun of IT be okay. How would .

you do this with the leg example?

Agree with them OK. You're like you're likes or student you're like, yes, they do kind of like stupid. I know it's funny, isn't IT which makes them feel a little weird because they were expecting you to be like, oh my god, this is so bad but if you joke about IT with them, H, I really care.

Go anywhere. IT doesn't go anywhere, right? When then they're like, why do anything to this person if they're not going to react in the way .

that I want them to? And what would you advise the adult and that kid's life like the parents rating in this question, how, as a parent, can I support you?

Because I would I would expect, right, I think as a parent, your first thought is just like reach out to the parents and make sure like I tell them that their kid is being a horrible person. Don't do that. Never do that. Never do that. Never reach out to like the bully's parent or the school or anything because for a middle school or the last or or even high school or ah the last thing that they want is for their parent to be getting involved in their social issue for for the kid to come up to them the next day they are bully to come up to them and be like your parents just rode mine instead that i'm being rude, you like you're the worst. That's be all and all horrible.

But but .

there are definitely exception .

options when it's racist, discriminatory, when they are saying dangerous stuff, when you're starting to feel depressed, when you feel like you can .

handle that.

you tell the little .

stuff what you can do as a parent is you can be there for kid. You can reach out. You can say, what can I do?

You have to keep asking your kid what you can do, because everybody d's different. Everybody needs something different. But to show your kid that you are there for them is huge. Just like every day saying, hey, how is your day today? What can I do to support you things like that?

You know, another thing you could do as you could reheard combats.

Oh, that's so good. That's so good. I I ve probably .

that's good.

That's really good because that would also like makes fun of IT. Then they're like, oh, maybe they will pick on me today and I could use my come back and that is good. That is really good. Definitely that okay.

And i'm also gathering that IT is important to talk about this with your parents. Yes, even if the readership, yes, your message though, apparently don't get yourself involved in the readership.

If IT starts becoming racist, dangerous, your kid is feeling depressed, things like that, then you should reach out to the school, reach out to the parents you wants to do something. Um but if its little stuff, name calling, a teasing, just make fun out of that basically .

or help your kid or help your kid or figure out what your kid needs.

right? I love in these questions, mom, but I think we should probably just up into ads for a minute.

Okay, that sounds like a good idea. Everybody, let's here, work from our sponsors, do not go anywhere. We got so many more of your questions.

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Hi, welcome back everybody. And I hope you enjoy the edge you just listen to um there are the reason we have the show. So yeah, you like them.

That's right. All right. Oh, uh, let's keep going with the questions here.

alright. What do teens need from their parents? What reminders, what rules should we be playing?

Yeah, actually, last night I was even do anything. I was at my school presenting parent tips to a bunch .

of parents. What were you doing that?

Because i'm a senior mentor in my school, which basically means I assigned a group of first years who I look over and I can help with social issues or academic issues and things like that. So I was asked by the school to come in last night and give a presentation. A parent just saying.

here's some tips for your new high school nine graders. So the first all okay.

and. After my presentation, our headmaster got up and he gave a speech. And what he said is just that when you have a kid, you are a coach, and coaches never play in the game. They can give advice and they can watch, but they cannot get on the field. I'm like back now what the problem was .

but so that's the world apparent that .

the world apparent, you can give advice, you can cheer, you can watch um you can support, but you can never step on the field. You can play for your kid. You're just there for them.

Got IT. And specifically, what are some of the things that every Young adult and teenager needs to hear from the adults in their life or from .

their parents that proud k that you love them? That's also very big. You're there for them to support them. They anna hear that you like their friends. That's really important that you, that you are friends with you that they enjoy.

But what if you don't like their friends?

What what would you do if you didn't like my friends？

I would still want to act in a way as if I did yeah because I know that if you felt like I didn't like your friends or I was judge mental of your friends, you wouldn't bring them around yeah and if you're not here with your friends, I don't have eyes on you and your friends and I don't know your friends, it's important that I get a chance to know who you're hanging out with and the only way that that's going to happen is if you and your friends feel comfortable coming over to our house.

And so if i'm judges of them, they're not going to feel comfortable coming here. If you think I don't like them, they're not going to feel comfortable. And the other piece is, how could you possibly know if you like somebody, if you haven't actually tried to get .

to know them yeah definitely trying to know your kids friends yeah have conversations with them. Invite them if they're spending the night, invite them to dinner with you. Do all that to get to know your friends because there .

are huge part of your kids life. Actually, there's a landmark study that came out that said ninety seven percent of your child's success as a Young adult is based on the five friends to hang out with. And I think that's true.

And so your only access point to change your child's friend group, or to have an impact on them, is to make them feel welcome. So you get to know them. Yeah, here's another one. What do you like to do? Oak, when you first get home from school?

Let's see here, school by rings, jump in the car, turn out music, drive home, have many good time on the driveway, open the door, dogs, camera and up, guys, little walk around. You might be working. So I sometimes don't come up here.

Sometimes I do. I just like, see who's busy to be like her. Oh my god.

would like, I really like what I poke.

I mean, an enthusiastic greeting is always lovely. I always appreciate that. And then, I mean, if I hunger, will make myself a snack. But nine times at at ten, what I most likely do was just go to my room after i've said hello and hanging out there for ten, twenty minutes. Just get my bear rings, you know, they can press just had a full day of studying and now i'm just hanging out at home. And then depending on what I need to get done, all get up and go do that gotch.

I here's another one. My son is fourteen and does not have a cell phone. Am I hurting him or helping him?

I guess, say helping him what for sure? For sure, everyone, including myself, like we are consumed by our technology and you hear IT everywhere and it's like you think it's cliche, but I I fully agree with the fact that IT practically runs our life and so the later your child gets a phone, I mean, it's not going to hurt them. But what about the bullying?

Like you got a first year student that roles in the high school and he's not going .

to appreciate IT in the moment. One is there is really like, man, I wish I A fun. Honestly, people won't bully him for not having a phone. That's not something that people really get bully for.

It's more just like, oh, I onely like you as a parent might get point five because there's not doesn't have fun, but your kid might be like what I want to find. So Better, there is so much more to life than your phone. And to appreciate that when you're Younger, super important.

At what age would you say?

Probably sixteen like once a lot of a car I feel like you're probably to get as now .

i'm like playing the worried parent because i'm feeling the anxiety like, okay, but i'm running late and I need to reach you.

And .

like .

internet god chess.

you're just talking to flip phone and so you can text your kid that is fine. No, but you do not need a phone on phone no.

because also everyone onna have and I bet your kid probably as like an x box or computer or something that they can also access and connect with their friends on. So it's not the end of the world that they not a smart phone .

until they're like sixteen. Here's a question. Mom of a seventeen year old senior SHE is no clue what he wants to study .

in college at. That is totally fine. I mean, I say to my friends and whoever asks that I wants to study psychology, i've actually never taken the class before.

Why do you want to study psychology?

Because like it's you you kind of work in that field. And I mean, you work in the wellness field of psychology. And I think that would be interesting to learn more about the human brain and things like that.

Actually am taking the class now, but I haven't taken IT before, but I came up with the idea to major and psychology way the class. And it's totally fine even when you get to college. I'm pretty sure you don't need to pick your major yet. And you may hear people say, oh, already know my major and IT sounds like everybody does, but not a lot of people do. Nobody really knows what's going on 干 啥 去。

What are you for breakfast?

What do you have for breakfast? Yeah, list once. No, really. Yes.

that's a thing right there.

Uh, I love you. Well, yeah, like I just love to keep things fun. You know it's serious, but you got, have a little fun. My answer is a trick question because .

I don't need breakfast. You don't breakfast.

No, I wake up in the morning and my one thought is, like, get out the door. Get in the shower. Get out the door.

Like, go, go. I mean, sometimes we will go up. An apple banana on a good day may be a protein shake.

but that's rare. Can I ask a question? You would IT be helpful if I had breakfast ready. No.

because nine times at a time I wouldn't eat IT, because also, like my stomach counter hurts in the morning sometimes, and I just don't really feel like eating well. That's why I don't .

want the food to go to waste. Okay, well, because I used to make you breakfast and then you stopped one of IT because .

you said your stomach. And so doing rm, I might take a .

project I have thrown a beagle .

rap and I we can make sometimes in my no yes, okay. And we know from .

answers are earlier that when your child is angry, just given the face exit, okay, listener, once to know, oh, this is actually, uh, high school student, how can I be confident in class and participate more?

It's good. Is IT important to IT is .

very important .

to participating class. why? Because wanted show your teachers your paying attention and too I think when I participate in closet also helps me feel like I am hang attention and getting what I need out of the class. If you are not already seen your my one recommendation would be to take a drama class because.

oh.

just because those classes always go into public speaking and all that kind of self. So if you're on to sing and you got time, take a drama class. They will teach you how to process.

We'll teach you how to be more confident nine times that a ten, you will probably have a show performance if you have to do at the end of the year where you will have to stand up in front group people and say if you like so but if you don't have the time to do that, I think it's important to know that when you speaking class, people aren't going to be listening for you to mess up. Or there they're going, going, going to be listening half the time, most of the time, like we work. Holly sitting in class, dead ously doing their own thing, playing a game on their phone, texting a friend. They are not really president class. But for you to get what you need out of the class, I would do recommend that you, uh, get your hand up and say something, because the best way to get over your fear is to jump .

right in and do IT. What a fabulous suggestion. Never thought of oak. What are you trying to improve on this year?

Love this. What might try to prove on this year? You know, I want to improve my ability to be present and appreciate where I am and be happy because I know this year is onna fly by and i'm in love with where I am and I just want to be here and keep you going .

as your mom. It's just so amazing to hear you say i'm in love with where I am right now. No, but I don't make fun that that's a good big fucking deal. Why are you in love with where you are? Because you haven't .

always I have not always loved where I have been. Well, I love the location. We're in a beautiful mountainy state.

gorgeous. I love my school, I love my teachers, I love the sports I play. I love my friends.

I love seeing them everyday. I love my family like, I love coming home and seeing you guys everyday. I feel like I just have so much that I love and value right here where I needed.

I got my fingertips. And I would say that i'm not taking you for grant IT course not, but it's definite. Just like since I love you so much, it's moving incredibly fast.

IT is moving fast. How do you encourage your kids to make friends without being pushy and then getting upset? Because we've all been in that city. We want to be friends with people you and it's not reciprocated and you get needy or you start to feel like they are leaving me out. So how do you help somebody find their people and stay true to themselves?

I would encourage them to sign up for after school sports clubs get involved in things other than classes for sure. I mean, first off, you sent up for a club that you're interested in. You'll be brought into a room of twenty other people that are interested in the same exact thing as you instantly, right there, like you're most likely going to make a connection.

But IT also encourage you to go your way and try something new. And IT gives you that skilled and maybe branch out and say hi to somebody. But I would also just encourage them to just like go for IT sometimes.

What does that mean? My ninth grade experience, I didn't know anybody. I just moved from massachusets. And if I saw somebody that I thought looked interesting, I was like, I like, I might not like the media, but I just got ta go to this person to be like, hey, like, what's what are you doing? And I going to show you the first time I asked them to hang out like, that was awkward. I was like, so like, you don't know me, want to do something never like, I guess that's like, okay. And this looks so nice to reassure your kids that the first person you meet isn't always going to be your best friend so if they do meet somebody, just let them know that like you shouldn't try and hold on to them right at the beginning, because they may not be the person for you.

And you will find your people that is so good.

I know, but you know what else is good?

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Welcome back, I mell Robins, and i'm here with .

oakly robbins and .

we're taking your questions, right? OK here's another one. I'm in a new school yeah where everyone seems to know each other and IT feels like alone is written on my forehead.

Well, I gonna you, that alone is not rent on your forehead. I can promise you that. I can promise you that if people are passing in the hallway, they are not looking at you and saying, oh, this person isn't no friends.

This person so lonely, they're such a loser. My advice to you, like I said a little bit earlier, is just sometimes you ve got to go for IT. Not everything is going to be given to you. And the best way to grow where they have the best experiences is to put yourself out there. And so for you, I would recommend again, joining a club, joining sport. But also just if you see somebody doing something in the hallway like, let's say you are sitting in class, you look are right and something on their phone and their playing like a phone game that you know and you really like, I just feel like, or I love that game like want to play right now.

I got to do IT, how do you handle that when somebody like doesn't respond?

I couldn't take you personally because you also never know what other people are going through. Maybe they didn't respond that morning because their dog just died and they're a really shit mood or they're just a horble person, which again, don't take personally because they don't hate you, they don't note you, they hate themselves, they hate themselves. But my bike is also just that.

You will meet people, you will have friends, and there are people out there for you. All you have to do is just take the first step and say something. Anybody.

what about lunch? What about sliding up to a table and being like, hi, i'm new. I could I sit with you guys .

if you're knew that is the perfect way to sit with somebody that you don't know because you lead with or i'm new? I don't know anybody like I just knew guys looked cool and I honestly, it's kind of a compliment to them because you're like, oh like you guys cool like I knew, can I and they'll probably say yes and if they say no, then you know that that's the friend group to avoid because that's the collect that you want to be anywhere near. correct?

excEllent. My son is a senior like you oh yeah, singer year. What's the best way to give him freedom but still get him to do chores?

I mean, mean.

when IT comes, you and i'll .

be honest, call myself out. When IT comes a chores, you had to put your foot down sometimes. But I guess that depends on, like what kind of chores you're asking for.

Like, are you controlling his life with the choice is IT? Like, can you empt the dish? Watch every now? Then if you're having them, be your gardener every week and move the long and plant your flowers and wash your windows and all that, maybe give a little bit of a break, let them run free a little bit more. But I mean, if it's like little things, like clean your room, you clean the kitchen for me today, do the dishes, many things that are only onna, take him thirty minutes. I'd say you're fine.

So how do you get them to do IT though?

I mean, just got to put your foot t down like sometimes you .

got to be the bad guy. Well, what I find with you is that getting you to remember to do IT is impossible, but asking you to do hello, could you clear the table? You, could you help me with .

this right then in everything I give this is not like, can you do this in an hour? Because i'm going to .

forget an hour but I do notice your extremely amenable when I ask.

yes, if you in our face to face or sitting in the room, you're like, it's five o'clock. Can you feed the dogs? Yeah, that is right there.

They will do IT clean the table, do the dishes. They'll do IT I give you there watching them. They're going to do .

and let's say you're dealing with somebody who's got a lot of anger or grumpiness or as beef with their family. And so you as a parent, you asked them to do something and you get an attitude because I think as a parent, where I typically want to go as I pay the bills.

you I what does that feel like?

It's annoying.

It's so annoying, but understandable. IT is very understandable. I think it's always kind of nice is you're like, i'll help you out.

I'll do IT with you when dads like, can you do the dishes and I like, oh, that means like audit with you. And then IT makes you feel like less of a chore in a berdos because getting the help, that's true. So I might make them a little less angry.

One of the things that I try to do is say things like, hey, could you help me out with this because I got something that I need to do over here yeah versus do do the dishes.

Are you going to do that? Make hanging but you just be like, hey, like, I really have to go do this thing right now. But if you could just do these dishes, that would be super helpful.

great. Okay, this is from an eleven. Greater .

anxiety .

is consuming me, and i'm so scared. Eleven .

grade, 嗯， OK. Well, I think my first thing is that you're not alone. I think a lot of people feel that I also have anxiety, and it's very scary.

That is very scary, and I can feel very consuming. My anxiety I give you picking my window is what I I get like. But when I was Younger, I used to be very scared to throwing up.

And so my anxiety moved into the thing, even nowadays, that whenever i'm anxious, I just feel as long gonna throw up. I never do, but I always feel like i'm going to throw up. And IT was very scary, and I felt very alone for a lot of IT, and I felt very misunderstood.

And my advice to you is that if IT is feeling like you cannot live your life anymore, you should tell somebody, tell a parent, tell a friend, just tell anybody that is huge. That's the first step because then you're not letting you around your life. You're showing that you're in control.

You can tell people what's going on. Can I question yeah so when you say you can't live your life, you mean and the anxiety is getting to a point, you're like opting out of doing things. Your your anxiety that is you're so worried about your aniele that you're not .

like not living your life. Your friends are all hanging out, you're going out to dinner and you're too anxious. So you're just like, I want to be anxious, like I want to go and that was, that was me so that when you should start telling somebody I have two things I want out under, that you should seek therapies.

A therapy is great. I love therapy. I have a great therapy. And second is, medication is also great.

When I took medication as a kid, I was like, i'm different from everybody. I have to take medication because I have a problem. There's something wrong with me, but there's nothing wrong with you if you could take medication.

Literally everybody takes medication. I take IT all to add those like medication like there's the nothing thing wrong with you if you take medication for anxiety. And honestly, if you taking medication, you're going to be able to live your life Better. You're going to be able to go out to that dinner with your friends and you're going to be able to go on that walk or that run. You're going to have a good time.

And so do what you need to do to get the anxiety under control.

And I recommend if you don't want to start, just tell somebody, tell somebody and tell them everything. Don't leave themself out. Don't be like i'm kind of anxious every now and then like you like I am anxious and IT is terrifying everyday.

great. And here's the other thing, the tools and strategies that are out there actually work yeah.

they do work.

And anxiety is a scary thing, but it's temporary. If you follow the tools and strategies that work.

IT is one hundred percent .

temporary yeah, and you will feel Better.

The best feeling I can assure you, as when you look back in your leg, I was at the bottom of pit and now i'm outside and i'm looking back at IT. I'm like, wow, like I felt that way. It's crazy.

Don't even you can even believe that felt that bad? Do remember mother's day a year ago.

Remember a lot of things here. I remember a lot.

Remember a when I was solving about the fact that we had sold her house, and I was begging dad to try to get IT back. Because I.

yes, I know.

and you three kids were here.

Remember, I like told my friends I was like, guys, we're going to go back to the my mom's like, pretty sure are. This time I used to.

I was in a full blown anxiety tech. What was IT like for use a kid to see me lose IT really have a mental .

health breakdown. I think IT was helpful and scary. How is IT helpful? It's nice to know that your parents can break down and that, like, if you as a kids, see your parent as the strong, super emotionally put together person, that's you're going to see them forever.

And when you grow up and you see your parent break down for the first time, you like, all my god is like, what? And so when I was a kid and I was a Young, and I saw you break down, and I saw you break down again in the future, I was like, oh, like, this is just what happens. People break down like, it's totally .

fine.

Nobody had no.

and life is going to be up and downs. And I think you are IT is helpful to watch the adults in your life process things and realized that there are periods in your life where you're going .

to feel like you're in the bottom .

of pit you and then all of the sudden clouds pass and things are Sunny again and that's .

just part of life yeah and you don't like you need to tell them everything that's making up at like they are part of family there there to support you. It's good to tell them how you're feeling and how you can be supported.

Yeah my thirteen year old sun is to lexical and feels different and dumb and shuts down instead .

of trying harder help. I like this question because when I was diagnosed with the flexi as a kid, I felt the same else, like, i'm so dumb, like I can read. I can't believe this.

I am done than everybody. And I remember you'd be like the people on A K, K, A K up, don't care about the people on shark tank. They don't matter, right? They could be dislike.

But there are also multimillion aires like, i'm i'm eleven, right? What do I have? All right? I have two dollars to my name.

There is a lot of techniques and skills you can learn to make the section more manageable. You are not dumb if you are just lexi. What's actually happening is that and cracked me from wrong on this.

But like the scientific thing, is that your neural pathways take longer to form. And so you can have the same strong neural pathways as other people, just takes a little bit longer to get there. Yeah, that's that, right?

Basically, your brain wiring is a little bit different, and there are techniques and strategies that you can use. You basically had your disease y remediated because you just basically train your brain to wire and fire new neuropathy connections. And it's called organ gillham.

That is the gold standard tutera method. And so it's not about trying harder. And that's what is really important.

Your brain learns differently. And because you're just lexical, you have profoundly different talents. Yeah, you're being asked to sit a classroom and do things that your brain is not firing to do.

But I bet that you are way more creative than everybody else. I bet that you can solve problems in creative ways. I bet you are probably more talkative finites. I bet you have much Better spatial awareness, meaning your phenomenal video games and legos and about building things and your incredible problems solve. And so understanding that you've got these unbelievable talents that developed because other parts of your brain developed, yeah, that is a super power first and that's why so many entrepreneurs and actors and professors and people in the arts have to lexie because by not having the neural pathways fully formed as IT relates to reading and holding words in your mind and yeah coding words and and also holding pencils and and being able to right, you developed other parts of your brain and that's a really cool thing and so first why I would say stop saying try harder ah and if you have not gotten the proper tutera protocols put in place that really help and other things really help like being able to listen the books instead of yeah yeah .

I listen the book on the cause like i'm not the best reader so like I but listen the books is huge that's great yeah and .

also being able to type instead of hand there you can get the teachers notes. There are all kinds of things that help and know, I remember I was really interesting because you're an excEllent mass student. But when professors or teachers require you to show your work, you basically fail because you can't explain the steps that you took to get there. Yeah, your brain has .

always do IT in ad. And I write down a few numbers to remember things. But other than that, like I can read. So if you have this, lexi a, you're not dumb, right? You are. You're incredibly powerful and other aspects that aren't the school environment yeah and that's perfectly fine because school is in on your whole life.

That's right. I love that. That's here's another one this listen to know what your curfew is because he is a nineteen year old high school senior who wants to negotiate a curfew later .

than midnight yeah, if it's later than twelve thirty one, just stay the night. I mean, for you guys what you tell me, it's it's not that you don't trust me on the road if you don't trust the other people because to I am you don't know who's driving, you don't know how they're feeling at the IT or not. And so if you want to go home and sleep your own on bed, you have to be allowing to sacrifice the fact that you should probably .

be home to thing instead of curfew. I think about safety and location. And keep in mind, IT really related story. You live, we live in a rural area where there are no uber.

And I am obsessive about the driving piece because I lost a family friend to a drinking and driving accident when I was in high school. And IT was a really traumatic experience. And so I place more emphasis on being safe.

And i'm not driving, then I do, on the curfew and the drinking or whatever else the kids may be doing. I want them to be safe. And so that's why I say midnight, either you're going somewhere and you have to come home by midnight and that means you're not drinking and you not smoking.

You're not doing all this shit because you're coming home and i'm going to be there or you're going stay overnight and the same through with our house. Nobody leaves our house. You're coming to our house. I'm not pleasing everybody because all these kids sneak shit, but I get the keys and you're spending the night otherwise you're not coming. Or your parents are picking you and they respect IT they do.

You have to enforce that.

There was a parent. yeah. Do you want to be the quote house that all the friends come to?

Oh, my goodness. Okay, we are the quote house that all our friends come to and honestly love. My friends love to the moon back.

And they love this house so much, in fact, that they just show up sometimes without me even know. Sometimes I be heard to get attention. Be like, where are you? I'm here.

And like, I didn't invite you over. Well, i'm here. I feel like that's more of a question for you because just like for me, like I always love seeing my friends and like we are able to accommodate them. So of course, I D love to be the house to have them.

Do you feel any pressure? Or is there anything on you that everybody wants to be here?

I mean, now all my friends have come here so much that they understand what works and what doesn't, what they can I can do. It's going to a point, I don't really need to please anybody and it's, and it's really nice. And I I mean, i'm a sucker for sweeping in my own bed. So, you know, all my friends are coming over, of course, but for you, it's your.

it's your house. No, this is our third radio because you have two older sisters. And we lived outside of boston when they were high school.

And the fact is, I would have loved to have the house. I grew up in a house that kids hung out. Friends were constantly coming and going.

And we were not that house outside of boston. We lived in a small farm house. IT had a dirt basement.

We didn't have a playroom or a separate room for the kids to hang out in. And our daughter soyer didn't want to bring your friends there. And all the other friends had basements or had like a playroom that became the teen hangout. We never wear that house, and I was always missing the energy and the fun that comes when your house is the hang out house. And so I really jealous of all the other families who were constantly hosting the kids.

And so when we moved to the southern vermont, one of the things that I really wanted, as I wanted a place for the kids to be able to hang out without me being all over them, or being angry that the music loud der, or that they're trashing the place. And so when we moved here, unlike I am successful enough at this point, at the age of fifty four, that I can afford to build a small outbuilding barn thing. And so I love you because I love having the kids around, because I didn't have that with our other daughters.

And I also love IT because i've gotten to know them really well. And I also love IT because IT keeps you here and I love having you around. And there's one tip though that i'm going to give to everybody listening.

I love having all the kids here, but i'm not your fucking and made okay. So like if i'm hosting you kids, don't turn me into your maid, which we don't. No, you don't.

And do not make me feel like i'm getting taken advantage of and do not make a big mess for me to clean up. And so I have SAT all of oakley friends down. I've made IT very clear.

You're welcome here all the time. And I have two rules. You need to leave this barn the way you found IT, which means the trash and the trash, the counters wipe down, the should put away that you pulled out, and you have to make the bump.

Ts, it's a religious thing every morning after we wake up or like, I like make the bed, like there's photos and I, yeah, so you actually did that everybody down and like, I actually fly recommend that. Actually, before I go on, I would like to say one thing about, do you want the house if you are not the type person that doesn't want a bunch, your kids winning on your house, you don't have to be the house.

Yes, if you want that and you can have IT go for IT. It's so much fun, fully recommended. But if you don't want IT don't do IT not the of the world.

But to go on, you SAT everybody down. You talk to them. And if you are worried that the kids are gonna, you're the bad guy, evil.

They understand that your house and you have a few rules, and my friends are totally fine with that. And so my mom printed out a step by step, like photo thing that in the bank room still. And this is there.

I mean, we don't even need to look at IT anymore because we know that my heart, but it's like we wake up, make the beds, clean the room and then, yeah, IT never takes that long. I could always good. You'd think they are like interview designers like this feels up perfectly like it's great.

great. But you know, what I love about IT is, first of all, when you have that talk, I had a time, I think teenagers and Young adults respect you because you're respecting them. Secondly, they know what's being asked them.

So it's not a situation where they are having a party. And you stop in there, instead scream at people, which have also done 呢。 I also think when you say, this is how you can be successful at my house, people want to do something to say, thank you yeah. So I feel like I earned more respect. And your friends know how to be respectful in a way that I care about because of that.

Yeah and .

your kids will be modified when you do.

But thing, don't make your kid do IT because if you're making your kid, you like guys, my mom want you to make the beds they're not going to do IT I oak.

I know we're gona get bomb barred with even more questions after this so we're going to do apart too because do not only half late through my stack and I know were going to be bomb birded with more see you down for part two.

I'm down for part two, part three, part four.

Let's go, go, let's go. I am getting a lot out of this.

Actually I am too. I'm loving this. I love the questions, loving the questions everyone asking. I am too.

Thank you for all your questions everyday.

How do you get your son, daughter to listen to this three three so trap in the car two is maybe they don't want to listen to a four hours. So find a ten minute segment that you really like and just feel like you is a ten minute segment with me. I think you'd take something out of IT. I get relates to something that I think you might be going through three. Just say that there's a kid who's close to their age talking in IT and voicing his concerns and stuff.

awesome. I love that. Another piece of great device. OK, thank you.

You so wise, you must get up from your dad. I think so. I think so too.

All right. Well, in case no one else tells you today, I wanted tell you, I love you. I love you too.

And I believe in you. I believe in as well, and I believe .

in your ability to create a .

life that you love. I do to not go do IT. Yes.

you should, all right.

will talk in a few days.

Think you do is the audio recording. Oh, we're in. Are in.

Take .

good .

clap now. You wanted. Do IT you? I know .

you wanna do IT. Okay, ready? You're gonna cry.

I need like both. okay? perfect. Oh, perfect. My god.

Thank you. This .

one OK, i'll make sure to .

keep my hand away is so good. What that answer? What answer the one did you just .

gave to what i'm .

team york to go into the outbreak?

We rose.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read to you, this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

I'm just your friend. I am not a license therapies, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got IT good. I'll see in .

the next episode .

stitcher.

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