Research From Princeton: 13 Proven Hacks That Boost Your Influence & Make You More Confident
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Hey, is your friend mell, and welcome to the male of in budget. Oh, boy, are you and I in for a treat today? I am super excited to talk to the expert that I have tracked down and gotten on the show for both of us.

We are gonna k about the hacks and tips and tricks and research that you can put to use in your own life so that you appear more confident to other people. How cool is that? See, I wanted to do this topic now because here in the united states, anyway um it's gonna september soon and fall is always like this second new year.

A lot of people go back to school, they go back to work. They think about going to different jobs. They think about changing up their life and chAmber. And so I thought right now is the time for you to have in your back pocket the best research, the best tools and the best scripts that you can use to do a number of things way to you hear the amount of things you're going to learn today.

First of all, you're going to learn that there are three things based on the research that you must do in the first ten seconds of a zoom call. I bet you didn't even know that there were three things you needed to do. I didn't neither.

We're going to give you tips for nAiling an interview. You're going to learn why you keep getting passed over for the promotion and what you can do next time to make sure you get paid what you deserve and you get the promotion that you've been working hard for. You're onna learn that a second impression is just as important, is the first impression that you make.

You're gona learn why you should never, ever, ever fake a smile. A simple test that you can use to learn what people think about you in the first impression you're gone to hear the major mistake a lot of people make when they speak how to ask for a raise, how to be Better at selling. So buckle up, because this is going to be an episode.

You're gonna bookmark. If you are in real estate, if you are running your own business, if you have one of the social selling or multi level marketing businesses, this is something we're gna want to forward to everyone because we're talking the foundational research, in fact, shocking research out of prince that you're gona hear about that is going to help you some more. It's gonna you be more effective.

It's going to help you get the money that you deserve. It's going to help you nail that job that you want. It's gonna.

You make the impression and the impact with other people that you really want to make using hacks, tips and strategies. And by the way, if you're introverted, guess what? So is our expert.

So who is our expert? Her name is Vanessa van Edwards. SHE is a best selling author. SHE is a behavioral investigator.

SHE is one of the world's most respected experts on the topics of rima, communication, confidence and influence. She's the founder of the research group science of people. And he is here.

That's right. Venus savan Edwards is here in the house and ready to make you and me more effective in just about absolutely everything we do. Venus, a, welcome to the male rob's forecasts. We are thrilled that you are here.

I'm so happy. Be here. I can even tell you.

Well, let's just jump ate into a, because you have written the book on both charisma and body language. And so I want to start with, what is carma and why does that matter?

So it's funny about charisma. I've always been faster by this trait. I'm recovering awkward person. Christmas does not come naturally to me. I, i've always been fascinated, the cool kids, you know, I watched them.

I like a, how did they know what to do? And so I was for many years, trapped by this mistaken belief that to be charismatic, you have to be extra, you have to be bubbly every life of the party. And I am not an extrovert, so I always double.

I guess I can't have IT. It's in nature, have to be extroverted. But research actually finds is that horizon a has nothing to do with your extra version, your attractiveness, your athleticism, even your intelligence.

The actual definition of highly chaos matic people, what makes them different is they send a very specific set of social signals. Specifically, they are constantly signaling high warmth. So trust, like ability, feeling.

Ss, along with this, is the key, a baLance of high competence, capability, power effectiveness. And what's magical about this is, if you're with someone and you are drawn into them, you immediately are able to answer two questions. I can trust you and I can rely on you. And so highly cares about people that with their signalling warmth and competence at all times.

wow. Okay, so let me see if I just can bottom mine this. Yes, if you display carisma, other people are left with the impression that they can trust you and that they can count on you that right and .

is exactly right. And what people don't realize is that Christa, more than any other attribute, is the single most important aspect of you being successful. IT helps you your relationships, IT helps you professionally, helps you will take you seriously. That helps you also feel more confident and purpose for your interactions. So Chrism, is that missing ingredient that we need to trigger or active in our success?

wow. I mean, you hear so much about confidence, you hear about extroverts versus introverts. But how is IT that carma impacts all those things more than your personality, your confidence?

When research looks at highly terrorism tic people, they find that we are looking for people who are signaling high risk because IT shows all the other things highly cares about. People are confident, they are competent, they are warm, they are likeable. And so the most amazing aspect of Christa is IT can be learned. IT is not a natural you don't have be born with or not. Anyone can learn how you more charismatic through a very specific set of cues, the social signals humans sent to each other.

That's crazy because, you know, you're basically saying it's possible for anyone to learn how to have the IT factor. Yes.

the hard part about this is you can be the warmest, most competitive person in the world, but if you don't show those signals, the world is not believe you. And this comes from amazing research of a prince university, which found that undersigned aling so not signalling enough. And this is what happens, I think, with very smart people.

So most of my students are off the charts, intelligence, high achievers. And they think, oh, my smart will speak for me, right? I am really smart.

I can make you do anything. I'm super prepared to have great answers. And the problem is they under signal the warm, thin options, cues. And when doctor fisk found the crater of this research, SHE found that without enough warmth, people do not believe your competence. So the problem of smart is they think their smarts work for them, but if they're not using the right signals.

the world literally cannot believe them. wow. So is this why chroma matters?

So I think of Christmas like a lubricant, right?

So we that's not exactly the word I was I that I thought that are the metaphor I thought you were going to use. Okay, so arma is a social 6 bergan everybody OK。

It's a move, you know, because, listen, my interactions, my social interactions before I learn the science, were like the opposite. They were crunchy, like not a good.

Okay, so you said you were awkward. Give us an example. Come on.

And so awkward. Aw topics award ness dresses up in different ways. So my awkwardness, everyone has a different things. Some curious smell.

You have any awkins how just ses up some people, they feel awkward because of fear, their fear being rejected, fear being criticized, fear of saying something silly, sounding stupid. And so the award dance will dress up and shutting down. So for me, my awkwardness.

Ss, i'm an over thinker and the person who I get ebed at in the night, and I literally rethink every conversation i've had the whole day, right? Or like I, I overanalyzed my answers before even saying anything, which is a terrible conversation. Al listener, so my awkward iss would make me shut down.

And so my inroads listening. This is often what happens when you feel awkward, are afraid of a silence or being judged. You shut in, you closed down.

You stop talking other people, my extravert, they are awkward in his dresses, up with something else. Their awkwardness rested up as showing off over the top, being a drama queen, talking too much someone extravert awkward friends. He'll say, sometimes I can, I just can't stop talking.

Truly, my mouth just keeps going. And so awkwardness, is this really interesting way that we try to cover our fear. And so when I say in a recovery, awkward person, i've had to conquer a lot of internal fear to be able to have interaction, is that I desperately, desperately want to have.

That could be in professional setting, sharing my ideas, but I also could be just trying to make good friends, trying to be open for my partner. And so I think that Chrism is this library, because awkwardness makes our relationships, our conversations, our communication frenchy awkward, healthy. We talk too much.

We talk too little. There's an awwad silence. We don't know what to do with our hands, right? Like I do with my body language.

We make weird faces. We awkward ily nervous laugh. So my my goal with Christmas, what I found is that is a smoother. It's a lubricant which I just I we have to .

take with that medical. What hilarious. And IT also makes IT. When you use the word cranch about those moments when you feel awkward, that makes a lot of sense to me.

Yes, because whether your an over talker, over share, nervous laugh, interrupting people because you're etta vert, but you feel afraid of how people are gonna give you, or whether you withdraw because you're afraid that crunchiness is that sort of disruption you feel internally. And so I love this idea that carma, which you say is a skill that anybody can develop, that carma helps you be yourself and that helps you be more influential. And IT helps you enjoy social settings, whether your introverted or extroverted. That's what i'm getting from this.

Oh, that's IT. The key here is the baLance. Most of us have an imbaLance.

There's four segments of the population is what the research finds. There is the sweet spot of highly charismatic people, high warm component. That's the rare birds among us.

So for around someone is warm, competent. IT makes us feel like our best cells, if you think about the most charismatic person, you know. So to think about them for a second, they make you feel Better. They make you feel like your best self.

Now, can you give us an example of somebody who is highly charismatic?

Lots to the classic Opera. okay. Opera is highly cares much.

And here's why SHE can be in an interview and he can make the other person feel so comfortable they share their darkest secrets. That one. That's trust.

SHE can cry with the other person SHE can minit their facial expressions SHE her warmth literally draws at other people's worm. However, you also take her very seriously. You know, he is smart.

He knows answer. You can sneak something by her, and that's her signal. I'm competent. I'm going to make sure that I get to the truth here. You can rely on me to ask the hard questions. So that's an example of someone who's very A A nice baLance and kind of uses her work and confidence as a dial.

Can you give me an example of the kind of charisma that is the quiet type of introverted person, like who is that person out in the world?

Okay, so this is a hysterical example. That is a great one, jackie Kennedy. So jackie Kennedy is interesting case study.

Who princess die too?

Yes, and she's the, she's the perfect example of someone very introverted. SHE was a very introverted person, but SHE knew that to achieve her goals, to be able to make an impact on people, SHE had to find her flair. Now that did not mean that he was out there making speakes everyday, but her character, her charisma, was so powerful that people were drawn to her. And that wasn't because he was loud, I wasn't because he is more words, but he had that unique kind of quiet power that made people done, that people were drawn to. And he had to learn IT should to learn how to harness that.

That's really interesting.

Yeah, let's look at, for example, Steve jobs to see jobs zero.

warmth zero once.

So he is the perfect example of high, high, high competence. He he's constantly signalling, take me seriously and powerful and most importantly, what highly smart people don't realized that they over signal competence. People see them as cold, intimate, not a collaborator, not a team player.

Hard to talk to. So yes, he he was brilliant. But his lack of warmth made people feel like he wasn't a collaborator, he wasn't good team player and his life.

C is changing the world, but also being not kind. So that's an example of high competence by highly smart people. My engineers, my really technically brilliant folks, they often get trapped and high competence because they don't know how to signal warm. By the way, they might have all the intention to be a collaborator, but we are not taught, had a signal warmth. And so they go up, guess, I don't know how to do that.

wow. Okay.

that's one bucket, by the way. So if you as you're listening, I want you think about what sounds like you, what feels like you. So do you feel like you have the baLance?

Do you feel like know you're off the charts and competence? You know you're high incompetence. If people always think you're in charge, you know you're high incompetence.

If people ever, ever told you they are intimate or hard to talk to, you know that you're in a relationship or have a partner whose high and competence if they constantly google fact check you so highly of books, their mission is to get IT right. They're very uh, dominated by the idea, get IT right, get the facts. And so they'll be in the competition. We can be let me google that, check that. Let me just see if that that's right.

Do they share their emotions? If they're .

high component, usually less, they're much as comfortable sharing emotions because vulnerability sharing emotions is an aspect of warmth. That is one way the company people can hack works is sharing more emotions, but usually they don't like that as much because emotions are correct, right? It's hard to be right with emotion. So though often the reason why I highly competitive partner I have one of those is I am going to use the word afraid of emotions or uncomfortable emotions is because I can be fact checked .

if someone says as a partner.

um I feel upset with you, how do you verify that? How do you fix IT? Where is a solution? A highly constant partner.

They love solving things, right? You come to them and you're like, i'm just having a bad day. They're like let me fix that for you and you're like, I don't wait to fix IT. I just want you'll listen. No, like.

no, I don't know how to do that because .

they are fixers. Got to highly comes people. You have that super strike of getting right thing.

fixers. Warm folks, my warm folks. So my happy, warm folks.

You are filled empathy, your cheerleaders, your supporters, your mission. So comfortable, people want to get IT right? Highly warm.

People want to be liked. They want everyone to feel good. They want everyone to feel comfortable.

Typically highly warm folks, they are super strength. Is empathy nurturing, making you'll feel loved and warm. But they often give too much of themselves in sacrifice of being less got IT.

So like people pleasing dora s is what you're talking about.

That's the friend. Yeah thing is what they started with. And so I think that highly warm folks in the workplace, this is the other really important thing to understand, is if you are highly warm, you are fighting a battle in yourself, which is your desire to be liked gets in the way of your need to be respected.

嗯， okay, stop. I need everybody to hear that. If you default and you are too warm, especially network need to be light, is getting in the way of your need to be respected. And when you are too focused on getting IT right and too focused on being smart and too focused on dominating the conversation or the knowledge bank, your need to be right is dominated.

How did you say your need to be right? Right is getting in the way of your need to be liked?

Yes, yes. Your need to be right is getting in the way of your need to be light that even rives. That's amazing.

I didn't even do that on purpose.

You know what I love about your research, what I love is that, first of all, you're about to teach us all how to become more charismatic. You're also about to give us hacks related to body language and getting intentional about what we're displaying and signaling. But what I also love about your research is that I need everybody listening to understand something. Right now you are unintentionally sending signals and used to people that's IT. You are walking around.

And whether it's a negative mood or its anxiety, or its insecurity or its awkwardness, or you're so focused on being right that you don't realize that you're sending signals and cues that make people not like you and not trust you, or you're so focused on being liked and that you're sending these signals of being a warm push cover, which is why you're never respected and why you're passed over at work. And so what I love about this research is that you're helping us focus on two factors that you can display that will increase influence, impact and income. And IT doesn't matter whether you're shy or whether your body these strategies are gonna for all of us.

One thing I would love for you to talk about before we talk about the cues is this. So in that study that you cited from princeton, they also found that carma accounts for eighty two percent of how people evaluate you. So can you unpack that because I think it's really important for us to understand this is not only a good idea because you're going to make more money, be more influential and make a bigger impact based on the science. This is how people view you. And so can you unpack this for us?

So I was also shocked by that number. By the way, it's very rare to see a number that big and science, right? Especially because if I would ask someone, how do you want to be perceived? You're in a list of a hundred adjective, funny, extravert bubble, attractive, whatever, actually, when someone is interacting with us.

And by the way, this is not just in person. This is on your linton profile, in zoom, on the phone, in chats, in slack, in the, in your email, in box. People are using warmth and competent signals to make up eighty two percent of their .

judges of view. OK stop everybody to use that. People are using warmth and competence, which are the two things that make up your charisma. Eighty two percent of how people judge you, evaluate you, size you up, decide to hire or date you has to do with whether or not your warm or component that bananas it's bananas.

And it's not just your first impression. It's actually every single impression. So yes, your first impressions is important. But even if you don't feel you ve had a good for suppression, that's okay. We are reevaluating this on every inkle.

If someone sees your name pop up on their inbox, they're also wondering, is a, is, is a warm company? email. Other words, can I trust the email? email. Can I rely on the email? Email, the more warm content your email is, the faster response rats are gonna.

We, as humans, have a really hard time responding to connecting with building or poor, with being impacted by people who under signal, or people who signal in an imbaLanced way. So what we're talking about here, that eighty two percent is making IT easier for people to interact with you. I believe that your warmth, competence tells the world how they should treat you. wow.

And here's what I believe. And I saw you wanna go what I believe venessa. I believe we all have a huge blind spot when IT comes to what we're signaling other people that you may think you know how you come across and what you're displaying.

But I have a feeling that we are about to learn from Venus a that we have a massive blind spot when IT comes to worth and confidence and how you're displaying Chris ma or not. So how can we, number one, figure out how charismatic we are? What do we do?

Venus o all right. So first, where the first kind of diagnostic that I talked, I was, which one sounds more like you, that's where we start, right? So where do you think you fall, you hire and warming, tired competence.

You have bounce or you undersigned ling, right? Do you shut down and not signal enough OK? The next thing you can do, you can actually do our diagnostic.

It's totally free. And I love this because there's two ways you want. I wanted to do this. You can take this as many times as you want. The reason I put up from the research, can I want people to be able to take a diagnostics, see how they come across. So there be .

very simple. Does that mean a test?

Yes, it's OK science of people dot com slash charisma.

We will put that in the showdown.

So you can take this test as many times you want. And so first we take IT as you and want to take IT as you. And I want you to take IT not on your ideal self, your real self OK.

So on our our Normal day, I want you to screen shot your results. Then what I want you to do. As I want you to do a three sixty review, I want you to send the quiz to a partner, a friend, a colleague, and ask them to take IT as you. This is the key because it's going to show you how other people see you and have them screen shot, the results and then go to dinner because there will be a great conversation.

So do you find that most people have no idea how they're showing up with other people?

You were right. Most of us have a blind spot.

okay. So hi, I feel like everybody needs to grab a pen and a piece of paper because we are about to get the cheat sheet. Everybody for how to nail carma, whether you're in a virtual meeting, whether you're in an interview, whether you're sending an email. So what are your top tips for displaying carma and being more influential on a zoo m call?

So what I want to do is this action onto the first ten seconds of video, the first minute of your video that actually helps us break IT downs. Because actually the first ten seconds are really important, the first ten seconds of viewing on camera, really so yeah because um IT sets you up for the rest of the time. So if you can nail your first ten seconds and makes the next hour easier wow.

I wanted to gain to that, but we've got to take a break to hear from sponsors. Let's talk about that when we come back. You know that there's one thing that I know about you because you listen to this podcast that you have big ambitions.

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So you're about to tell us, in the first ten seconds of a zoom meeting, you must do this in order to be influential.

What do you do? OK, first ten seconds. Number one, in the first second, you should try to show your hands. I know this sounds really weird, but they use eye e tracking studies, and they found that one of the first places the brain looks when they're trying to gage someone's worth is hand.

Why is actually survival mechanism? Back in our caveman days, if we were approach by stranger cavemen, we wanted to see if they were Carrying a rocket sphere. So this still remains something interesting.

Happens all do you look, experiment for you so if you're watching the video, um i'm going to hide my hands, your listings. I'm hiding my hands right now yeah the moment you can see someone's hands. So I want to give this entire interview with my hands behind my back.

Something interesting when that happened in your brain and males brain, which is that you're a middle, would begin to activate. And that's because when you can see someone's hands, you wonder what? What does SHE holding? What's her intention? And to the longer I kick my hands behind my back, the more distracted you should become.

Yes, yes, I do. You want to come back out, right? Get back.

Okay, there they are. hello. So much Better.

So this is a survival mechanism.

The moment you on video, walk on stage, walk into a, everybody.

take a morning.

Okay, okay. So the first ten seconds we turn on the cameras coming on, we put the hands up, hi everybody.

oris one right, going to a way as to see you. You, you walk into a crowded restaurant to see your date, and good to see you. That hand gesture immediately deactivates their fear processing easy.

okay. So I want them visible. Second little bonus tip. Or is the space the distance? I literally want you to measure this, the distance between your nose and the camera.

The reason for this is because in person, we are very ware of what's called proxy mics zones. Paxon mic zones are the space between people. So we know, and this is a little bit different culture to culture.

So hand gesture is univerSally, we like to see hands, but culture to culture. We also like to know how, what's the distance between people. So I highly recommend make sure you're camera is at least a foot and a half away from your face.

okay? The reason for this is because imagine if I would give nm to get really close to the, imagine if I want to give my entire interview really close. You like a back up.

Oh my god. I totally like lean into the camera. I, I, I, I have no space above my head. I like my whole face right in there, so maybe I ve got a back off a little bit on the camera.

Let's talk about this first OK. So there are no bad accused in the sense of they're all purposeful when you are really I I love your videos. I've seen your closer videos. You should know on purpose, if you are very close to the camera, right up in your face, you are signaling intimacy. You are signaling i'm right up in IT.

And as because as humans, there are four different proxy mic zones, the public zone, social zone, the personal in the internet zone, we reserve the intimate zone, which is zero eighteen inches away, zero to a foot half away, for people we feel really close with. So our partners, our parents, so is our best friends. And so actually, when I watch your videos, we are really close. I should like our best is now will tell me, tell me everything so I would say, reserve those videos for your intimate moments.

Okay.

you're literally singing that they are Normal in call. I want you at least a foot and half away and also helps you show your hands.

You have this gestures so far. Okay, so the first, first ten seconds, everybody, we've got the hands up and we ve got to be about a foot in a half away because this is all and there's more this more OK.

okay. Second vocal. So that was a non oral cue. I want you to make sure you are not accidentally using the question inflection on your name or important information.

The question inflections, will we go up at the end of our sentence? So IT sounds like for asking a question. And so often we found in our lab that people would use the question reflection in the first ten seconds, which made people doubt them.

So I wanted share this study because this study gave me the chills when I first heard IT. And I think it's so incredibly important for people who are, listen, who wants to be taken seriously. So what? They didn't a study, I promise, I want to get too into the science.

Very simply, they brought doctors in to their lab, and they wanted to know if people would change their perceptions, a Chrism based on their boyton. So they asked the doctors to record ten second voice tone clips. So these clips to say their name, where they worked and specialises. So like this, hi, my name is doctor Edwards. I specialized in oncology, and I work at children's festival, an hospital. IT took these clips, and they warbled the words so you could hear the volume, th Epace, the cats, but not the actual words thing says that something like this, how IT, how to, how did you, how did love they ask for space to then rate these doctors on warmth and competence based on the .

verbal thing that you just did?

yes. So imagine I just did that, that I asked you, do you like this person? Is this person smart? So participants raided these gobi good clipsed on, do they like this person? This person smart? They found the doctors who had the lowest warmth and competence ratings had the highest rate of now practice losses.

What the doctors .

with the lowest warm and compensatory, simply based on their voice tone, had the highest rate of our practice lawsuits. This implies that we don't just dislike people based on their skills. We dislike people based on our perception of their skills, and that happens in the first few seconds of hearing them.

Wow, pattern IT was such, such a shock way to the community because these were doctors were very well trained. What they found was patterns. There were certain doctors who, across the board where ready, is highly cosmetic from gobi book.

And there were certain doctors, over and over again, they marry IT is not very smart, not very likeable. Here was the biggest pattern up talk, the doctors who had her introduction like this, hi, my name is doctor words, specialized oncology. And they work at children, has parent hospital.

right? What I did is that changes the way that we listen. They found that when we hear the question inflection accidentally used on a statement, our prefrontal cortex shifts from listening to scrutiny.

We think, why did they just question themselves? I guess I just question name. We hear this all the time in sales calls where someone is killing IT in a pitch or in a salary negotiation.

I'd love to work for your company. I I thinks I D be a great fit for you. I love your mission. And I really looking for a salary range of over one hundred thousand dollars.

Oh, everybody, to hear that question, i'm really looking for a salary range of hundred thousand dollars.

When you ask your Price, you are begging people to negotiate with you. You're telling people I don't really believe this number and you shouldn't believe IT either. So what happens in the first ten seconds is we're nervous, right? We're really nervous.

We were holding our breath or waiting for them called. And so we accidentally give away all of our local power. In the first ten seconds, we say, hey everyone, uh, my name is vanesa. Get started in a few.

wow. Okay, now you have three research back, incredibly subbed, but profound. behave. Your changes that you need to make .

immediately, immediately.

Hands up. You got to have the right distance, which is a foot to a foot and half nose to camera. No up. Talk everybody. And I I would imagine that most people don't realize that they do IT no idea.

That's why seeing yourself, that's why we don't realize what we walk into a sale n negotiation or we walk into a pitch, meaning with a client or we're going on a day and we think IT well, right? How often have people been sideswiped? And I think you I think that was great, but I didn't get a call back or I didn't get a second date.

It's because you are accidentally telling the world how to treat you. And if you do signal warmth, people don't like you. If you are signal competence.

people don't take you seriously. And the up talking everyone is when you're on signaling competence, you might be the most component and and qualified person. But if you walk into that interview and you don't you know not sure, like in my last job was great, I think i'd do create here, you know, one hundred thousand that would be that d be great like .

you just shot yourself .

in the foot yeah and you don't even realize IT because you don't hear. I bet people do this with dating all the time.

all the time. And the promise is a permission seeking behavior. So we really get down to the root cause, which is one thing that fast takes me, is this is a peaceman ant body language, right? So this is, do you like me? Do you agree with me so often? Times, highly warm people who really, really, definitely want to be liked use more up talk because they are asking, do you agree? Do you like me? now? Opposite effect, right? So that I also need to get really to the root cause of if you hear yourself to up talk and by the way, please go listen to your voice recordings. If you've sent to my voice recordings or voice memo in the past few days, go relive n to them and see if you accept use of talk and go rerecord.

Okay, when we come back, here's what I want to know. Coach us on how we stop using up talk when we speak. Have you noticed that the experts on this podcast keep telling you and me over and over, if you want a Better, you need Better sleep.

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So how do you coach somebody who has a style of speaking where they naturally and sentences with this up talk? So it's almost like you've got a statement and and as you speak at IT sounds like a question at the end. And do women do this more than men? Yes, so women do this .

more than men. Also, the research finds that women, typically, but not always, are seen as higher and worth. And that's because from a very Young age, women are often taught to be liked until they tend to dial up their warmth earlier.

Typically, but not always meant as seen as higher in computers. And that is often when are told to be right. So we also have to be aware of those gender differences to, yes, women typically more often use up talk or high warmth.

So luckily, this sexually a very easy to fix OK and do IT. We're going to do with breath and pausing. So one of things that can happen with up talk is we're nervous and we're speaking very quickly.

And so what I want you to think about is, what do you want to say with purpose? And how can you deliver IT with purpose? So there's three kinds of inflection.

There's up talk. So going up at the end of our sentence, there's neutral going up going saying neutral the end of our sentence. And there's the downward inflections, which is very commanding, which is going down at the end of our sentence.

All three of those things signal something very, very different. What I wanted to pay attention to is the tension in your vocal cords. So when we are attend more nervous, we tend to taking a breath and talk at the top of our breath.

It's really, really hard to sound, compete or up here. So what I want you to do is, when you say hello or your first few words, I want you to speak on the outbreak. okay? What most people do is they hold their breath before they get a zoom call or a phone calls, they go, hello, all we .

here oh my god, you're right. Cause you like, hi.

I hi. Also good to see you. So we did this experiment where we had submit recordings of important phone calls, and we found the highest part of the entire call up talk and moral tone was the first time seconds, literally, people would go a, so good to see you. So how wa going?

That's a thousand percent right?

So this is really easy fix.

What do you do instead .

of holding your breath? I want you to speak on the outbreak. So a little experiment. I want you to hear the highest end of your range.

So the highest end of your range is when you speak at the top of your breast, on the count of three. I want us to say, and wherever you are, you can do this in your car, tell your kids to do IT with you. So I wanted to taking a deep breath and say hello at the top of your breast's gonna like this, one, two, three. hello. So you can tried with female, yeah, do one, two, three.

Hello, hello, yeah. hi.

It's very high. That's the highest end of your breath. If you hear your rain going up there, you are speaking too high. You hear yourself go there. What I wanted to do is try to relax records by speaking on the outbreak.

Hello, this time is there you go.

That was IT. So you just heard the difference. So here's my difference ready? Hello, hello. Those are both of me, but they sound totally different. So this time ordinary ers were, and take a deep breathe in on the kind of three, I want you to say hello on the outbreak, on one, two, three. Hello.

nice, good.

yes. okay.

So signaling competence, uh, we now have a bunch of things that you can do, including, and probably one of the most important is learning, had to take a breath and then talk on the outbreak. Yes, what are mistakes that introverts make when IT comes to body language?

okay. So uh, one of the biggest mistakes that we have identified that there's a lot of them is with our facial expressions. So I think with our facial expressions, we forget how rich our face is in demonstrating emotions or queue emotions.

So a big mistake that I see is people will fake smile. I love smiling, but there is nothing worse than fake smiling. I do not believe in toxic positivity.

So people have been told smile, smile more, which I think is like the worst advice. I like, smile purposely, don't smile more. So really simple mistake, someone will say, yes, am so happy to be here.

Fingering, angering. So what happen is introit really wants to show us their best stop. They are come with the best intention or some of the hop on a video call are trying to be positive.

And so they'll have a lot of inky, ulus messages by trying to show work, the fix, smile, the promise, doctor barber, while and her associate, they actually looked at big smiling. And what they did is they show people pictures of smiling people, fake smiling people and neutral people. SHE showed people pictures of real smiling people, and people caught the happiness.

IT actually affected their positive mood. They felt happier when people saw the fake smile. They caught nothing.

Their happiness makes you lessons memorable. Nothing happens. So the biggest thing that will happen with introvert is they want to come across as warm. And their only tool, their tool kit, is smiling. The good thing is there are many other warms cues.

So what are the other warmth cues that you can use?

Okay, so I would, if you're gona smile small for all, please, please, please go look at your lincoln profile picture. Please, please go look at your dating profile pictures. I either want you neutral, sexy or smiling all the way.

No fax miles OK. So make sure that smile is all the weapons in your eyes. Because if you have a fake smile in your linking profile picture, you are literally signaling thick happiness in authenticity.

So if you don't want to actually smile, that is totally OK. That's not your only warmth. To hear your other warmth options.

One, I had not. So a slow triple nod. One, two, three.

meet. One, two, three. Okay, we can do that. People, yes. So with the .

funny thing the research found, this just tickles me that when someone does a slow triple, not 嗯 哼， the other person speak sixty seven percent longer. Wow, it's like a non verb, dot, dot, dot. You're literally seeing to someone tell me more.

I want to listen. I want to hear you. So a solution, al, not very easy.

You don't have to smell. It's a one queue. The other thing that we found, we do this a linton profile pictures.

If you add a simple head tit too, you are seen as warmer. So if I tilt my head to the side, this is a universal response if I want to hear something Better. So I say, no l do you hear that we automatically told her head and expose our air?

That's a way that we want to hear Better. And so when you are on a video call, on a date in your lindon profile picture, if you want to be seen as warm, you can tell your head to the side as if to say, I am deeply listening. I am really trying to hear you, and it's much more natural than smiling. Mini.

this is fascinating. So we've got the triple, not everybody. We've got smile with your eyes. We've got till your heads s slightly. What are other warm cues?

Okay, so other warm cues, vocal. So take of vocal. Those were three non verb cues.

Vocal, the one that we often forget, you have a lot of power in your voice. So other warm vocal queue is what I call vocalizations. Who do we love? A localization.

So vocalization is surrounding sound listening. It's showing the earlier ing. So this is going to immediately making me sounds warm.

Oh, I just did that. Oh, i'm very warm. Yes, so actually you .

have a very good baLance smell of warm. The competence I was going to show you when you ask for an example. But I was like that way to Brown nosey, so I didn't. But you you have a very good one of the competence because you will localize for me when you not at me. I can see you out right now.

Yeah, right? I'm just doing naturally.

yeah. And that encourages me as a speaker and doing good that makes my crutches smoother.

Oh, that's so awesome.

So your warmth cues are gifts to awkward people. When you show someone who's frenchy awkward, afraid i'm listening to you that was interesting 哦 啊哈， you are gifting them lubricant. You are saying, you ve got this girl, but i'm listening.

I am hearing you. This is super smooth, which that makes me more smooth. And so I there's two sides of why I wrote this book.

Yes, I want you to be more cares about IT, but I also want you to be more inspiring. I want you to be contagious. In a way, it's gifting more incompetence.

And so adding vocalizations is a very easy way, especially for my introverts. And for my introverts, I wanna teach you how to be heard without being loud. So number more cues vocalizations. That's a way for you to participate in conversation without single word, right?

So, uh, that's fantastic. But do that against the other one's .

other than are, wow, what those are all warm population and about doing them to right now to kind of gave you the warm fuzz like a little bit SHE would like that feels so good I say the organza are kind of like a warming blanket and like makes the other person feel like i'm doing so good. You're doing .

Better than good. You're doing fantastic a is there any phrase or something that you suggest, particularly somebody who shy or introverted, to say or do during a virtual meeting? To be more influential.

we need him about words. So words are incredibly important as whatever Christmas that we also need to address, right? So for for verbal power, what you want to do, especially for my introverts, and especially on a video call, is use warmth, verbal cues.

We actually did the study where I wanted to know if saying warm words could simulate connection. So the words i'm on video call, if we were in personal value, I would be hugging. No high five.

We have sort of touch. I want to know, could you replace that verbally? What we found was we have cable wear software that measures their skin conductors, their physiology. When I say i'm sending a virtual high five, I wish I could give you digital hung. I'm giving you a warm way from here when I say those words that actually triggers a physical ological response on your skin.

So one of on that you can do in the very start of a call, at the very end of call, is I wish I could give you a hug, a virtual one we'll have to do. Oh, or you, this has been so lovely talking to, I just feel so much warm, and I just had such a great time connecting with you. Using warm words, connection, warmth, trust, hug, handshake, they actually trigger a physiological response to the person. So if you can use as one word is a very easy wait, tiger, more warm.

That's fantastic. Tic, okay, terrific. What are the danger zone? Kills on a virtual meeting? What should you never do?

Okay, so great. OK, so danger zone is a viral meeting, one I always, always, always, always want you to front with the camera. So research is very.

very good. What does that mean? Front with the can OK.

So when we are aligned on parallel lines with someone our brain likes, IT. So fronting is what I angle my toes, my torsos and my top towards the camera. Research has found that if I were to give the entire interview with one shoulder angled back and my toes angled out, IT would actually make IT hard for you to believe me. IT would make IT really hard to you .

to open up to me. That's really interesting.

And so a mistake that I often stand, zoom calls as people will either angle out or the worst of the worst, they have their camera on their side and they're typing like this.

oh yes, I hate that. I like just turn the damn camera off.

Has I would rather. So one thing I want to make sure if if you're set up, not only you would foot in a half a way, the you are on parallel lines with the other person, so you're angling your toes, your torso, in your head torch. This is both on zoo m and in person, even in person, when someone is kind of angled out, they're trying to talk to. You can literally feel that this engagement, the reason for this, because our toes, our sort of secret windows of the soul, as I can, your toes the way that they're pointed, usually indicate a secret direction that you want to go. So I have noticed, and I totally, that when someone is ready to leave a conversation and you're at the networking event or at a holiday party, and they have to go the bathroom or they're kind of done, they will angle their toes toward the exit.

Wow.

their body is like when you onna go, do you want to go? So i'm angled away from you with my toes angle towards the exit. You are subconsciously picking up on the fact that part of me is left the conversation right now.

What are strategies for dealing up charisma and influence? Warmth, competency in emails?

okay. emails? yes. So what I like in email is I want to have warm words, a couple of warm words. Warm words cheer the warm fuzz. So, so happy to connect you last week.

And so looking for the abating in our meeting next week, when people read words like collaborate, they are literally more likely to be collaborating. So you are actually gifting behavior. What I wanted to think about, when are writing an email? This is a really, we are in writing email, but IT works.

How do I want someone to think, feel and behave after reading the channel? If you want them to be warm and collaborative and open and happy and rest ord, use those words are literally getting in that feeling. But if you want them to get that done, be productive and efficient, let's bring from what's power through on words.

Want to do IT. I want you to gift more competitive words. So the perfect email.

Yes, as a baLance of let's connect, let's collaborate. I can't wait for the mean next week and let's blast through this agenda. I can't wait to hit our goals more into everything together on words.

Venus a, you know, what I hear is I hear enthusiasm, I hear confidence in those words you're displaying that which then signals to me that i'm on a team that wants to do that. I saw I can love you because, you know, you're basically saying it's possible for anyone to learn how to have .

the IT factor. Yes, that is true. Absolutely you. That a skill that is learning and anyone .

can learn IT. okay. I want to take a minute on behalf of absolutely everybody listening to thank you.

So that this .

was so tactical, this was so smart and informative and so just thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was three, maybe four, five head nods in a row because I mean IT and i'm going lower on my voice to command the fact that you're african superstar Venus.

Thank you. Oh my. Thank so much filing and. I also want to thank you for the space to talk about this and empower people that remember you, tell the world how I should treat you. So the more purpose for you are in your cues that Better people will treat you and you deserve that. So thank you much for having me.

Oh my god. Thank you, if best.

Wasn't that awesome? I mean, Venus is awesome. And you know, what else is awesome? You you are awesome. You have the IT factor.

And now you know how to hack charisma and how to use body language to get what you want. And before we take off here, I want to tell you some mouse. I love you.

I really do. And I believe in you, and I believe in your ability and that IT factor inside of you in the Chrism a, you're going to bring to the surface and display everywhere you go. I believe that you're going to use that to Better life.

And that's why i'm here to remind you of that twice a week, every week with this podcast. Oh my god, I just love you already. You have an awesome day now and i'll talking a few days.

Kassimere kass's a charisma. charisma. Why can't I pronounce anything? Can you hear that guy outside fucking clipping the gam hedges? I literally feel like the the landscape dude outside has a chain saw that is taking to the hedges.

Why does this always happen when we turn on the microphones? Can you hear that? You can hear that.

Now if I talk loud, you probably can. It's like there's a formula one race going on in the front yard. Oh, that's a leaf blower. That's not a chain saw. Oh my god， okay.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read to you, this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

I'm just your friend. I am not a license therapies, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got IT good. I'll see in the next episode .

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