Turn Anxiety Into Power: A 3-Step Process to Master Your Emotions From a Harvard Psychologist
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Hey, is your friend male, and welcome to the. I'm so glad you're here today because there's a huge big life transition going on in our family. Our daughters just graduated from college. SHE doesn't have a job after college, and I just feel tense. I feel this wave coming at me.

Maybe you ve felt that if you have a spouse for a partner that gets fire from a job, or maybe you felt that with a kid, or I have a friend who just lost serb dead and of course, they're going through a period of discomfort. And I just want to run towards that and try to fix and make go away. And so as I was sitting here this morning starting to get a stomach cake about how can I help her cope with this massive life transition, I thought, you know, well, might not be proactive.

Why not use a incredible therapist as a way to think through something that is coming at you? That's a good idea, right? And one of the benefits of realizing to this podcast is you and I have on feedle some of the most amazing experts on the planet.

And your friend male is not going to put IT past yourself to reach out and ask for free advice for both of us. We're onna get to do for, you know, two for one, meaning here's what's going to happen. I'm gonna get a therapy session from doctor leana markets.

Remember her. She's the best selling author of bold moves and a clinical psychologist and associate professor. Harvard SHE did a wildly popular episode with us all about avoidance, avoiding things that are hard, avoiding all kinds of stuff in our life.

You love that episode. So i've got doctor who wanted back, and I am grateful that he is here for us because I need this help and support. And in particular, I want doctor lajuana to walk you and I through clinical and scientific research that helps you move through transition and helps you help other people move through transition. Are right, doctor lon, welcome back to the male Robin's podcast.

Thank you. Now i'm so excited to be back. Well, i'm really excited .

because there's so much that I want to talk you about. We are in a moment of time when these episodes gna come out where there's tons of people graduating, and that's a major transition. And I am personally bracing doctor markets embracing our daughter is graduating from college.

I can feel the panic attack happening. SHE is then gone to leave california and come home for the summer. wow.

And he is an artist, a singer, song writer. So there's no defined career path. And I know that the bottom is gna drop out. Why are transitions so damn hard?

I can feel the pain already for you. Mail, like I, I can just feel like your whole voice change. And there's so many people in the symbol.

In fact, the world is in transition since coit. It's a major transition. This is how I think of a transition before even talk about why IT happens.

You know why is so hard as the way I see transition is somebody wants to go on a journey, okay? And there is this idea of this dream life, the thing that you want to do. And some of voluntary, some are not like you'd finishing his voluntary transition after college, and he has this whole life ahead of her.

And so that's exciting. But then there is the old right, and the old I see as the shore. And so in transitions were like, hold and on to the shore of what we know, the certainty of the things that we know, sort of work.

It's no longer work the way, because you want this to dream a life. And then the boat starts to leave and you're holding onto sore and you holding onto the boat and you start to get stretched thin. And that's what we started to feel.

It's that panick that you talking about think ety is that uncertainty that happens. But we are so afraid of this comfort, we avoid this conference so much that we just continue to hold done. And this is the first thing, honest everybody, let go and start swimming, let go and start smiling, because there is no ticket to a perfect life, right? That holding non is of wind.

And how many people have we heard that stay in a job that dislike, right? It's like holding on to certainty. I mean, i'm in the major of a transition in my life in a career and i'm as scared as you are. But like if I just hold on to harvard because that's what makes me good enough, then i'm never gonna to explore the world.

Wait a minute. What's the transition?

You're in the middle also. You know, for the past year and a half, I really hit a wall at harvard s general. And I love what I did in terms of research, but I I felt like there so much more that I could do to help so many more people.

I wanted to have an impact in the global world in terms of mental health. And let's be honest, an academic paper is not gonna do IT. It's just not.

But I ve been terrified to let go of this position and the academic self to jump into public speaking, writing books. I don't have a path for that. IT is scary in transition. He really is the first thing we all have talk about us. There's fear there.

for sure.

In fact, this book came out of my need to create space to have an impact in the global world in terms of mental health. I want to try this work for ten years. So, okay.

And I was recording with den Harris for his APP, and I told him about IT, and he says, god do IT like the world needs. And I was like, ww, and he's like, gold. Do a make a bold movie.

You can just talk about a bold movie. Have to make a bold move. And my schedule, still four.

Harvard, right? I wrote this book between four in the morning and seven in the morning because IT matter to me. And I was going to create space for this book.

And harper Collins said he takes a year and have to two years for a book to come out. And I said to them, what if I deliver in june? And they said, nobody writes a back in four months, it's impossible.

I said, try me. And so I did. I woke up to seven, my son, if you read this book, you see the stories of my son.

Every morning he gets up, he run. The upstairs can be this big, how big house at seven, the morning already tired. And those hugs created such a connection for me and reminded of me why i'm writing this book.

And then he would sit, and he's like, I went to write to so they wanna write about how I love my mom. And we sit in my computer for a little bit. His five, he's not writing, but he's thinking he's writing.

And that's what a value driven life looks like. You create space for an equal for. And I have no idea what the world do with this book, but for me is the integration of all parts of my life coming true.

Ladies and gentlemen, doctor, they want to our kids in the house that how you do a bold move, and that's why you need to read this book.

And that's why i'm here with you, because now, you know, your team called on friday afternoon and today's monday morning, I have this stuff. I do a Howard. I got IT done over the weekends so that I could be here with you.

And every action I take is aligned with the impact right now. You need to create space for integration to happen. And so I choose those actions very carefully. And that's what integration looks like. I just so excited to be here for so alive talking to you because it's a hundred percent value aligned.

That's amazing. wow. You talk about values, what you're going to move or you're breaking up or you're changing jobs or your thinking about your dreams or colleges ending. What is the intersection of values and transitions?

So values are so important, so let's to find values for us, right? Values are intrusive motivators. There are the things that matter the most to us, the things that should be our compass in life, family, religion and wealth, integrity, right? And so what is the intersection between values and transitions? Well, in transitions are values are questioned.

What matters the most just should be our compass. Let me give you a person on example to make this come to life for everybody. Early on in my career, ambition was the value that matter the most to me, right? And once you have a value, then we set goals with those value from me was getting to graduate school.

Then I had a world get into harvard. Then I wanted to be an a system professor, right? Ambition was the value.

And then I set a clear goals with those values. Eventually I got to a suicide professor. They became a socia professor colleague mindset to me.

So what are you going to do next to become full professor? And that question bothered me. I was like, do I want to be a full professor?

Ambition got me out of poverty. Ambition got me out of brazil. Ambition is how I define how I would never go back to be poor again.

But no longer. Ambition is working for me now. I'd lay in bed at night, and I had all the success and harvard, and then my brain was just not happy.

I am went to sleep. I put on forty pounds, forty pounds, right? And I kept seen to myself, what if I just right another grant? What if I just write another the paper? I don't have the right to feel the way I do with all the privilege I have. And and so ambition no longer or server me, but I kept going at IT, kept going at and one day in my office writing a grand and half of my face with them this time.

And the first thought had is one of this is think his ID you unhappy at work you're writing and grant this just think his I next thing you know, half of my body starts to tingling and i'm terrified and then the next thing I thought, I am, I got, i'm have a stroke. Yeah, i'm having ista cyclone's and mei. I am like an an society of researcher.

I treat an existing. This is just a ety. I am not want to see myself black half of my body is now, and the doctor, my husband, and drives me.

I'm crying. And at that point I remember going to my prime now and stage myself, oh my god, I hit rock bottom like this is no longer working. I know what i'm doing is no longer working, but now i'm about to lose everything right now.

I'm heaven, a stroke. And what if I can speak again? What if fact, everything in my life that I had worked so hard, he was writing fun of me and and I just had this moment of, like, holy shit. Like holy shit, i've avoided for so long by falling this value that no longer served me ah and just to avoid my transition now that I was doing as a witness transition and I turned out that I wasn't having a struck in god and they think he was a severe migraine. I ve never had a migraine in my life.

I don't I don't know with the neurologist like there was forty eight hours of hell and that's when I face reality like that moment was when I posted was like I cannot avoid this transition and no longer actually living a value driven life. I'm living an emotion driven life. I'm just trying to not feel uncomfortable.

So I keep doing the things. And you asked me an important question in the beginning, why this transition so hard, right? Why is hurt so much? Is because he creates so much discomfort. And in that moment, I was just avoiding IT. I was just avoiding IT, and I couldn't avoided anymore.

And the reason I share this with people, I hope people wake up before they hit that well, because we hold on to the old so much to not go to us, our dreams. And I nearly killed myself in the process. And think of a how much skills I have, and I still avoided a.

how do you figure out what your values are?

So one of the exercises I use with my patients that I use that day is to actually do the opposite, what anybody does, which is to lin towards the pain. In the days after that nearly stroke, I set with myself cry early the morning for many mornings. See, why does this hurts so much? What about this hurts so much.

What is IT that is missing and what is in my life missing? And what I realize is behind that pain there is a value that being violated. It's not that I didn't care about ambition anymore, is that what I really cared about is I wanted to make a bigger impact in the world.

And I knew that the things I was doing, we're not aligned with impact. They may impact on the patients that I work for sure. But i've saw the world hurting.

I saw the rising anxiety from the C. G. C A forty percent of americans with clinical level exciting the pressure.

And he asked in my little house, with all the skills that my grandma that gave me, that science gave me, and I wasn't doing anything with that. I wanted to create a podcast. I didn't have a podcast.

I want to write a book. I head written a book. I wanted to go out there and meet people like you and I was on doing.

And when I lean into that pain, I saw the impact and I was like, wait up in and I need to change my entire life. I need to change what I do. And so that's my recommendation. Lean towards the pain and ask yourself, why is this heart?

The transition that you're describing is one that I recently went through over the last two years, and I knew that there was something that I valued more than chasing more success. And IT was about connection and impact and peace and family and simplicity. And you can have more than one value.

A one of said, you can have more everybody, but slowed them for us. Mt, can you just tell me a little bit of all of the beginning, this transition and like chasing success and no longer feeling .

like success did IT what? Yeah like I I am I think like a lot of people somewhere along the line, I got the message that achievement equals love. Yes, that if you're performing, if you're busy, if you are making a lot of money, if you're winning awards, if you're doing things that people talk about that, that means you're worthy, have somebody's love and attention.

Yes, that was a value that I was trying to create in myself. What started to happen for me is that one, I got to a level of success where I had paid off debt and I was actively saving money, and I could afford to do whatever I wanted to do. I'm like, i'm not talk in lamborn in that kind of crap, but like just had a really great lifestyle and was proud of myself.

I was wasn't happy yeah and like you, I felt like an asshole. You didn't use that word, but i'll use that word with myself. And like what kind of an asshole or you you're sitting here making an impact on millions of people's lives.

You are being flown first class all over the place. You can afford to eat anywhere you want. What the fuck is wrong with you? yeah.

And what was wrong with me is one of my core values was severely violated. I was profoundly disconnected from my husband for my kids. I had exactly two friends that I saw, and so I was profoundly lonely, and I was never not working.

And so someone s got ta give. And what actually gave is march eighth of twenty, twenty. Yeah, the world turned upside down, and I found myself, like the entire planet, found themselves questioning absolutely everything.

The greatest gift is that made me really assess what my values truly were. And when my husband and our three kids were then under one roof together, IT made me realize how much that all I wanted to do was be with them. And like, you know what?

Now it's time to stop talking about and thinking about doing a podcast. Is time to get serious about IT. That was the moment for me. IT was values driven. And I asked you the question about how you figure out your values because it's a surprisingly hard thing to do.

IT is so hard, that is so hard and and you actually impact so much because, you know, I think the world has gone through a values shift in the also because the things the values that worked before they pin them, I can know a longer fit for most people, right? people. Now we hear people talking about they want and more flexibility in their job.

They want to work from homeware because they realize the family matter. And IT was being compromised by the way they worked and their family time, right? But most people now haven't had the privilege of what you have of being able to pausing reflect, right? A lot of people still to treat me of life.

That's what I am in my office. People call me, and they're still trying to fit their old values to the post pandemic life. He needs a realignment. And how do you find your values is your question.

So I talked about paying the other way to find values, I think, is what happened to you as this lean into the moments that you feel your best. Okay, what about their moments? What's so important? right?

You are talking about being your family the way you sad. You know, my three kids in my husband, you light up, I could just see you in your living room with them. And if I went behind your brain, I could see just melbourn content connected and present, yes, right, versus melon, that plane.

And you're craving that connection, the real connection with family. And so in those moments of like flow, in those moments of quietness, ask yourself, what matters in this moment? Why is this moment important to me? Why do I feel good and that our values are right there?

Dana, I just love you. You are so awesome. I feel Better already, and we've only just begun.

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Welcome back, I melt Robins, and I am getting a personal coaching and therapy session about moving through transition from none other than doctor luana r. Doctor elana. Let's talk about the transition that my daughter is going through. How can I help her cope with this massive life transition?

So I think there are two things that you can know. The first one is I think we need to help you cope with the transition.

It's I I am sorry to .

say this transition for you too, right? That it's a big transition for you, right? It's ending time she's coming home and I heard to say things like what's next for her, right? We all have expectations of other people in transition too. So I think first thing just you causin and asking yourself about your expectations of her transition.

You are so good. wow. Um here's how I feel about that. I am very triggered by her anxiety and so knowing that one of my kids is really uncomfortable makes me want to to run and saver from IT.

What about her? Excite makes you feel uncomfortable. What are you say to yourself that her and .

exists kes feel anxious that's somebody that I that I love is in pain and I want .

to make a go .

away away I don't know um because IT hurts my heart to see her crying and sad and because you love .

yeah and also they'll .

probably be a level of mopping and annoying behavior that gets aimed at my husband and I when she's home and she's not able to tolerate like the feelings and the fact that it's over and that college went like that and her fear about what comes next。 And so knowing that there will be a level of discomfort makes me uncomfortable.

Well, for you now, what I hear this, you love your daughter. Yes, and her being uncomfortable ate is being translate ted in your brain. Something is bad.

true. And let's be clear, there's no transition without this comfort for anybody. She's going to have some level of this comfort that he has to tolerate.

And you have to tolerate if he did. And mouse, something be wrong. true.

right? The first thing is her being uncomfortable and hearing because I I don't not really mean something bad. Now you can lead to something bad.

But at first I wanted to really think about this is an opportunity for a new beginning, right? She's closing and and and there is a natural grief that happens for everybody you're letting go of the old year. And so she's going to come home with some ever this comfort. A lot of the kids coming home from college are going to have some level of this comfort.

And I think the first thing the parents can do is a lot of this comfort to exist a little bit, maybe not going to fix, read away, right? And if you get through at you like they were you talking about, just pausing and calling IT out and he listen and looks like you're set and you're throwing at me and this is not my transition. Yeah, I holding speaks from this conference. The first thing appeared.

can do well. I think this is even bigger. I just want to run towards and try to fix IT, make code. And I think you're right. It's that I in my brain associate these transitions in life and these moments of emotional processing and our people as bad.

And so you are trying to fix IT. You know, I had a friend of mine just got fired from the job after ten years financial industry. You just woke up on there and got fired, so texted me, I cancel everything that let's go for lunch we sitting in lunch.

And the first thing he said to me is like in elana a week ago is walking into work. And I just wanted my ID to not go through. I wanted them to have fired me already, so miserable, but I just I just didn't want to quit.

He pays the bills. And so and I looked there and I said to her, best friends, and you never told in that level of the comfort, people are so ashamed of how they interpret this comfort. Don't here.

And then I looked at her and I said, how you feel in signal? O, K, M, OK and I pause and I looked at her, let me call her married and I said, mary, it's okay not to be OK and for a week in out when I called her, she's like, it's okay. I said, IT is not OK.

You've just got fired and you are the one that pays most of the bills in your house. If you're not feeling uncomfortable right now, something is wrong. And I want you to know it's okay not to be OK. It's okay to have this comfort right now. And if you run from that, you just going to avoid the rest of your life to the first step here in transition is to see our feelings.

right? I don't want to feel .

my feelings.

Like I feel that way you have .

that's the only way to feel more uncomfortable is not feeling our feelings. So feelings are Normal, biologically wired. And we have that our brain tells us when we feeling uncomfortable.

And then what we do, we've run, we avoided, and then we feel more uncomfortable. And the only way of actually getting through your motions is by feeling feelings. We've seen this on kids.

Look at a five year old in a departition. Um yeah right. If you tell them, stop feeling this way.

Stop feeling this way. They escalate, they get. So lunch is true. If you sit next to five year and say okay to you, you're feeling frustrated. What are are you feeling? And I feel like I don't tell my emotions right now. Is that okay? So you're feeling like you aren't you want to feel and I just sit there and I wait and guess what he's emotional brain calls half his thinking brain comes back online any less three minutes instead of twenty minutes of five.

So what do I do? cheap. But yes, I think.

I think two things really.

oh, that's right. We were talking about me. Now see.

I.

you, you are making me talk about something that makes me uncomfortable.

You are absolutely. I, I, you just want to run away from your emotions right now? yes.

Do you see how fast he happens now? yes. So and we do this. That's one of the tactics of awards. We just shift the conversation. It's much safer in your podcast to talk about your daughter and her transition hearing society then to sit here with i'm having trouble .

feeling my feelings right now yeah i'm absorbing her transition as my own wow, so I just need to feel my feelings yeah I need to avoid the urge to russian and fix that and I need to just hold space yeah, and let her and myself feel what I were going to feel.

And what do you feel right now? Can we just stay with that? What is, if you like.

right now? I feel really sad for her.

Tell me more.

Oh my god, really.

Yes, I feel .

like the tracor beam lock on A I feel really sad for her. I had a really crappy end to my college, uh, experience where I got extremely sick and they thought I had been agios. And I experience graduation by laying underneath the tree on the side and I didn't get I only remember walking across that stage. I'm not sure I was well enough.

Well, so if you really said about yourself now, that's what you really said about you didn't have a graduation well, but see, your brain is back at your graduation. That's what if you sad.

oh wow.

enough feeling sad for your study, feeling sad that you got robs your own graduation, that I would make me sad to you. I mean, seeing you under the tree right now just made my heart crunch like I had a little .

heart moment that that's true. It's true. And you know, I think i'm also just very present to the fear that he feels now that schools over and it's time to do the work, you want to be a singer, song writer, prove IT. And I just feel worried. For course you do you her mother.

you'd love her. We establish the love meter. Us, worried for her, makes a lot of sense, you know, concern that this transition is gonna hard for a lot of kids, is the first time they have to really prove themselves, the first time that they have to really drop.

Because the college has a map. You do this and you do this and you do this. The real life transitions don't have a map.

They come with uncertainty. Uncertainty activates our brain and makes us go on fight, flight or freeze. And that's why we want to avoid in transitions because their fears over writing IT.

But you have the technical to help her. It's going to be heard choosing to approach every day. And he sounds like he has a clear value.

SHE cares. And then i'm going to put the words in your mother, if he cares about creativity, SHE cares. Oh yeah, right? And so now he needs to create clear goals.

And you know, we're here in the studio. You have amazing systems already. They develop for yourself. You help her develop home systems around what are the actions he's going to take every day towards that value. And life happens one little day at a time.

You don't become on stage and become the best singer overnight, right? So she's going to have to lend towards that value every day. And what i'd say to her is this every week on sunday, look at your calendar for the next week.

Yeah, make sure that your actions are aligned with your values. Every day I do this. I every sunday I looked in good day.

I'm not acting towards impact or family or health, which is another one for me. I'm not putting four pounds back on, so I need to get to the gym. And if if it's not there, I arranged my day.

Because what science teaches us is there a value driven life, decreases stress, decrease depression, decreasing xiety, increases well being. And so I bet your daughter can create this beautiful life. One little action of the well.

here's the irony. The lack of structures, probably exactly watching IT, there's probably a kind of the container has been amazing for the stage. He then and now it's time for her to go and create what he needs to create. That's IT. That's I just cut so much out of that conversation.

Why don't we just hit the pauses button real quick so we can process what you just said? And when we come back from a sharp rate, we're going to keep moving through this transition and make its mold moves stay with us. Have you noticed the experts on this podcast keep telling you and me over and over, if you want a Better life, you need Better sleep.

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What's you like to get the new iphone sixteen pro with A T N T next up anytime? It's like when you first let up the girl and think of all the mouth watering possibilities. Learn how to get the new iphone sixteen pro with apple intelligence on a nt and the AA cyp phone every year with A T N T next up anytime A T N T connecting changes everything.

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Welcome back. I melt rabbins. We are so glad you're here. Doctor levana is here, goat around around you and me. And she's teaching us how to make some bold moves. So, dr, or I love values as a way to anchor yourself through a transition.

If if you go to transitions and you don't have an anchor, right, I love the word, do you use that? This is a way I think about it's like the visually show patients is urinal. It's a choppy waters, okay? And you're just going whatever the wind is blowing in choppy waters, you gotta drop in inker, and that anchor is your values.

And now you decide, okay, now that i'm anker, I know the values, then you decide which way you're gonna sell in your life, but you have to have an anker first so that you'd not just blown everywhere. And your daughter is an awesome position because it's clear to me he has the anger. Values are the real ankers in life.

It's true. Using values and anchoring yourself on IT and helping IT be a north star for you as okay, this is what I care about moving forward. What are the actions that show this? I want to show you something OK.

I can just stay right there. I'm going to go get IT. So when I had this huge transition, and we moved up here to southern vermont, and I came here kicking and screaming, yes, there is no target, no walmart here.

How am I going to live here? There are three thousand people here. The nearest airport is an hour and have what the fuck er, we do like, I was just a toddler throwing a temper tantrum for months.

I was spiring so badly through this transition that I wrote all of the reasons why we were here that I needed to remind myself of. I think it's still in my office. I am kind of scared to read IT because I was in a pretty bad state. That's where, but I use this to rescue myself. And again, okay, oh my god.

Let's do this. Oh my god. So this .

was in my office. You guys, I would wake up in the morning and I would look out the window. And I would say to myself something empowering, like, why the fuck did I do this? And i'd walk up to my office and i'd be wiping away the tears. And so here is what I would remind myself of my values. Number one, you're here for peace and feeling deeply connected to my life, love and mission.

Look that just posted there. What do you feel when you .

say that yourself? It's true like I when I wrote this, I wanted to believe that.

But but first, we don't believe that by the way, right when we first identify our values, you're so scared that I bet in the beginning you still had those fears like the brain wants to fight transition so hard than that narrative like there's no walmart, there's no target, there's no this, but I want peace, but how about the walmart?

right?

So true because he happens to all of her. Yes, right in that moment. Identify our values is shutting that light, like in into what matters most. But then he takes action to live that life, but can share if one more at least.

And I want to get more. I can read them all more time having fun with family and friends, and spend more time with oak increase.

你看 there connection， connection .

credible. Build a simple, beautiful and elegant business model.

You know, I love about that one, if I may reflect a little bit. They skilled that I talk a lot in my books called a line. A line is the idea of aligning values and action.

But I believe in a line life where your job and your family and connection, they all come together like an orchestra play, so that you're job is not robbing you for your family, and your family is not taking time away from your job because it's well orchestrate. I love this because you're basically saying the multiple parts of my values have to all fit and you know connection and in your business like your value and they all fitting together. This is, this is why you so happy. I can see.

oh, i'm a different human thing and I need to just say, when I wrote this, I was sobbing history ally, convincing myself that moving here was the biggest mistake I ever made. And I wrote this as an act of desperation. I got ta remind myself why in the in the storm of my mind, I have to be able to see on a fucking and wall.

I mean, this is a huge, like one of these big, sticky posted things. If you're not watching this on youtube with us, in your listening to us. And I took a sharply out, and I wrote this, and then I wrote, global impact through higher leverage, dues of my time, entertaining, impacting and changing lives. And then I wrote, have fucking fun. See friends everyday and travel for fun with family and friends, not just for work.

Look at that. Look at that. And I fucking .

did IT like I literally wrote the shit down when the middle of breakdown. And i've spent the last two years, slowly, day by day, transforming this business and transforming my habits and my mindset to a line with this thing that did not exist when I wrote IT.

That's IT. See, you lean against the pain, right? You're in the middle tears. And what people want to do in the tears they want to avoided.

You basically said.

why I for sure. Why not? Let's not IT out now .

I was right, right?

If create the life in line with values, then you inflow that all the time. You know, if you're gonna have this comfort anyhow. So say people, if you're gonna a have those tears anyhow, might as well use them. Why the fox feel bad and not used that pain in a way that actually gets you on bind and this and you prove a two years.

And then on the other side of this list, I have this like a way to break down the fear, because was just all fear. I mean, this was all brand knew. I was reinventing everything, was going through a major transition like the rest of the world was, too.

And even though I had all these values written down on one side of this posted note, the fear was just overwhelming. And so I gave myself this little cheap, cheap. And then I made myself this promise, don't run. It's incredible because when .

I see here's what we've been talking about, this idea, you don't want a few of feelings, will have to fear your feelings, right? You cried to write this, and then you said, approach, don't run this approach. Stay with IT, right? But stay with IT in a value .

driven way. You have a three step approach to all transitions. Can you walk us through IT?

So in transitions, you need to shift approach in a line. First, you're going to shift your perspective. Learn to talk to yourself as your best friend.

And you're talking about here, notice the bitch and the fear, right? I love IT that's shifting the way you're talking to yourself. Second, you want to approach, don't run in transition goal towards this comfort, really lean in on living a comfortable, uncomfortable life.

And three online online values in action to the middle transition, lean into the pain less your values and then create action items. And that's what you did actually know because I see items and there's less their values and then you are talking about building your business based on those values and then go do IT, then go do IT. The transition is gonna be uncomfortable. There is no transition that I have this comfort. But holding on to the older just keeps you stuck.

Yeah, I am getting so much out of this conversation. The fact that you need to approach, which is leaning into the pain that we're going to find you values and then you alive your actions with these new values. And what i'm realizing is that the number of times that I have rushed in to try to save one of my kids from a hard period by fixing at all, we'll give IT script.

I'll do this. I'll call that person for you. I'm actually robbing them of what happens when you turn toward the thing that you are avoiding and the discomfort and you approach .

IT so much. What beautiful. Ly.

but I mean, I just realized that if I try to make IT OK for, let's just use the example of my daughter stepping out of something she'd loved dearly for four years and stepping into the big unknown. If I don't give her the space to fill all of the discomfort, SHE actually needs that discomfort right now. SHE needs IT to discover something within herself. yes. And if I remove IT, I am also removing something SHE needs from her life.

That's IT. wow. He had you robbing her for a chance of living her best life because you're an, in fact, what we do to pro long people's in, because I ve venice gonna hit I eventually he has to go through that, this comfort, to find her values, to leave her most meaningful life. And if you're gona feel uncomfortable anyhow, but is already right away.

holy cow, i'm just sitting here going, boy, did i've fuck up at times was a it's like I really lost my kids of some of the lessons they needed and that's why the lessons keep repeating.

Don't why the lessons keep repeating. And you did email because you will love them so much. And I want everybody to hear this is important.

You know, parental hood is hard. None of us are perfect. We going to mess that up. You know, a friend with the psychologist who has a joke that he says, everything SHE messed up SHE puts money. The therapy jar SHE was like, I know they're to need therapy, just puts some money there because i'm the one massing up sometimes, but that's just parent hood. That's how goals but we can actually prevent from doing that by just letting them live their lives and sitting with this comfort and actually modelling IT like show you a daughter this and say, create your own, create your own idea.

Have her take body.

Everybody should create .

one of these. What is worth going through this pain for? We're going to take a photo of IT and link IT to the shown notes so that you can see what I wrote sobbing two years ago about what I was gonna IT was all of the pain to bring.

What do I value? What is worth going through this pain for? And everything on the left hand side of this posted note and everything that i'll be on your posted note that you value will be worth going through the painful .

IT is and that how we get your integration right for me. I had this moment that I just wanted to run from harvard, and I can know it's it's like the small box and is not online with impact. And so I wanted to like divorce IT.

I wanted to avoid IT, right? And yet there is a big part of me. I am an academic. Hard, I think, is an academy. So I actually a wonderful to avoid so bad that I called my boss up and I have this incredible chair in psychiatry. He's amazing and I said, jam is a marcio.

I'm done like, you know, this is causing me too much pain is too restricted and i'm sobbing the chair, like, sobbing fn a zoom call and he pausing, he says, what is the problem I said is just too, too small like everything has broad cracks and and like I can't to school do things and like, so what I hear you saying is there was a part of IT they still like and I said, yeah, I mean, I created all this training material pair of professionals and I really care about it's not like, I don't think about training pair profession. In fact, we need a more workforce and that's the future like, I wanted to create a pocket cast. I wanted write a book and and so I wanted quit.

And he's like, what if we just work to eventually decrease your percent effort? You're here a day or two a week. We can discuss what that looks like. And you don't have to give up being a social professor.

However we are proud of, we wanted to be a social professor, but you also don't want to limit you the and and like his ability to hold space, he could have done, he could said goal. He could have said, no way you have to stay hundred percent. He helps space.

He did for me what I hope you do for your daughter. He let me sit in this conference and cry with him. And I search him. I don't know, like I came out of the conversation not knowing, and he said, you sit within, figured out. And so as I learn to this new piece of my life, I will have to have, at the point i'm going, say, i'm negotiating with him how small that becomes and what IT looks like. But I wanted give that up.

Wow, you said that the world went through this major transition, and you have had a clinical practice thread. What have you seen in the people that you're treating?

So i've seen people feel more and more anxious, more and more uncomfortable, and people are having trouble accepting that this comfort is not the problem. I think the degrading that is so high right now, they are even in therapy.

I see there are brains blocking and is like i'm saying, the same thing again and again in a different way, because the brain can here, right when we are on fight, fight and freeze, we can like our brains out for lunch with friends and. Can get in. And i've seen this and more and more people locked.

That's how I see. I see the world locked. And we are talking him about transition should they is real important.

And I see everybody wanting to hold on to themselves, prepare delic. But this used to work before the pandemic. Why doesn't work anymore? IT doesn't. You are a different person. The world has changed, and you need to pause local your values before you can create the life you want.

It's so true. IT is a conflict values. IT is a conflict .

of values that you have .

had something shift in your values in the last three years and you have not hit the pause and done the work to alive your life with this shift and values yeah.

So you keep doing the same thing at that before the outcome is not the same because you've shifted in the world, shifted and you keep getting frustrated and you believe they decide because that is not the problem here. You, but is that we avoiding our emotions and our transitions. Wow, the only reason that question comes up because you are not coming in life, but we want to avoid transition.

That's the problem. So dam good. I understand now what's actually going on underneath the surface, and i'm not concerned at all about our daughter coming home.

Look at that. And yeah, I has what we hold for everybody.

Listen to us. I authentically see the discomfort as a really, really important thing for hero experience. And my job is to simply hold space and supporter as SHE experiences.

IT, that's IT.

I mean, I look at my own transformation, White nuckles, these past two years, and how much I hated IT, how much at one point I tried to get the house back that we sold. I be .

just hold.

And thank god I went through this. Thank god. Yeah, I feel the .

same way about the morning's crying, trying to figure out what to do next. They were so important, and I feel like my life integrated. Now I have this little girl, graven, pm. Braza, harvard professor, accomplish author, who are not king, going to take on the world. And if I hanging on through that pain, I wouldn't be here.

Think that you did, because we're all benefiting from IT. Look at how far we've calm everyone, you and me. Look what we're doing.

Let's lock arms and keep doing this life thing together. OK. I love darker or leana, and I love you. I really do.

I want to make sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to make these bold moves. I've been cryan doctor levan has been crying in trying to figure IT out. We're all crying and we're trying. And as long as you keep trying and making those bold moods, you now have the three part framework in order to move through absolutely anything i'll touch in a few days.

Okay, let me clap. Sorry, that's not to startle you awake. You have a three step approach to all transitions.

I should ask, what is alright? Do remember where we were? I remember you are in the middle saying something about, oh, you had.

Hold on a second. And this is the traffic trash. Man, is that Chris in the barn? Is he standing? Can you hear Chris song? Here's our recycling. I don't know why they don't pick IT up at the same time is why we're getting a sound first study on boss.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licence therapies, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.

Got IT good. I'll see in the next episode. stitcher.

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