You Asked, I Answered: Don’t Blame Me for Delivering the Hard Truth
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Head to your nord stream rack store to score great brands, great Prices, the greatest gifts of all time. Hey, it's a friend mail, and welcome to the male robbin's broadcast. Today, we're going to do something a little bit different, and I A feeling it's going to become a favorite of yours in mind.

And what are we doing today? Well, we're going to answer your questions. Rapid fire. See my team and friends and colleagues here, like c knock mell robbins, do not how many questions have been backed up in the inbox.

We need to take out a storage unit to store all of the questions that people have from dub, serious, like funny, personal, too much information. So here's how we're going to do this. My friend and colleague, who you ve heard on this podcast, give IT up for amy and everybody.

okay? Amy has some of the add o nine hundred pages of questions that you guys have submitted. And they range from advice to curiosities about me. I ve no idea what he is going to ask me.

What are we going to call this type of episode? Little bit everything, a little bit of everything with male Robins and your burning questions answered maybe? Yeah, I don't know some exactly.

Okay, we're gona jump right? And anything goes. Everything's on the table and don't fuck and playing me because you asked me.

there you go, alright. okay. First question is from jane, and i'm not going to say anybody's last name because we're all on the first place exactly. OK. Jane wants to know well, when do I know when it's time to walk away from a friendship .

when you're giving more than you're getting? And here's the thing, friendships are a given take. And I think it's very important when you have a friendship that if your friend is going through a hard time, that you are there for your friend, that you understand that they are not capable of pouring back into you the way that you may need them to.

And part of friendship is showing up in hard times. And so when I say that, you know, when a friendship is no longer worth, when it's been a sustained feeling of you not getting back what you're putting in, it's no longer that somebody is going through post part of depression or they're going through a divorce or break up or they are recovering from an illness. And your role in the friendship in this moment is to be the strong one, to be the one checking in.

It's the situation where it's just sustained. You're the one always making the effort. You're the one that is always asking about them.

You're the one that is always making the plans. You're the one that is always reaching out and you are not seeing that reciprocated. And the thing about friendship that we don't think about is not everybody y's supposed to be in your life forever.

And I don't know where we all got this idea that you have to be lifelong friends with everybody. You're not going to be because friendship is about energy exchange. It's about a vibe.

It's about you and this person being in a place in your lives where you are able to kind of bring out the best in one another, you're able to support one another. You can laugh together. And sometimes those friendships are because of circumstances. It's because of where you live or where you work, or who your kids are friends with, or who your partner is friends with. And that's how you came to be.

And I talked about this with my daughter, a lot, about a relationship that ended, that sometimes your friendships or your relationships make a lot of sense when you share a container of college or a job, or being of a certain relationship status or living in a certain place. And what you'll find in life is when the container disappears often time, the lines that kept you in the friendship disappear as well. And that Normal and IT means you are meant to put your energy into other friendships.

And so you will know when a friendship is no longer worth investing in, because you have been feeling this way for a while and you have checked in with sad person and there is not something devastating or difficult going on with them such that they need your support. And here's the other thing, if you have a friend that's been down for a long as time and you have been their support system and over the course of the years, you're not getting anything back or very little back. It's OK to pull back.

It's OK to spend less energy. You're not abandon them entirely. But nobody said that your life had to be about pouring into other people and expecting nothing in return.

You get to spend your time and energy on relationships that lift you up, that fulfill you. And there's nothing selfish about IT. In fact, I think IT is life sustaining when you do that.

absolutely. So you said you could pull back, what does that look like like you don't answer their calls or their text or what do you think that looks like? Um for jane.

I think that that could look like only reaching out once every two weeks instead of once a week. IT means not answering their text the moment that they text you IT means not feeling obligated to invite them to the party that they're throwing. Like, stop and think about what what are you getting in return for your effort? Because there is a recipe al nature to friendships.

Friendships are not one way in what you often find in a relationship is when you stop putting in the effort, the relationship completely disappears. And what you come to realize is, holy shit, this actually wasn't a friendship. This was me chasing something.

And this was me thinking that the relationship was something more than what this person thought I was. And the same is true romantic relationships, that a lot of times, when you let the person reveal who they really are, you stop chasing them. You realize, oh, I was just in a relationship with the possibility, in the potential of who this person and what this could be. And the second I stopped living in a fancy, and I started pulling back the chase, and I just started seeing how this person showed up. I realized, oh, should i've been in a fantasy land in this relationship for a long time, pretending that IT was something else and that's a painful moment, but i'd rather you do that on your own that have somebody rip out the rug from underneath you because you are too scared or too stupid or to blind by your own fantasy or chasing or insecurity that he didn't wake up and drop the rains and realized you're the one putting in all the effort.

right?

Makes a lot of them. And here is the other thing. Everybody is busy. Like, I also feel like i've got a hundred people or more that I think are really awesome, that I never see that I don't have time to text. And guess what, they don't have time to text me either.

And I feel like life is gotten so busy and people move a lot in modern life. It's not like IT was when our parents or grandparents were around already stayed in the same state or county. And so I also think you've got to upgrade your definition of friendship and general to not have to mean that you have to be in constant contact with people.

Some of my favorite people in the entire fucking world live the furthest away for me. I almost never see them. We don't text back and forth.

We did not raise our kids together. And yet, if they needed me, I would be on plane every time they call, or they text once a year, whatever. I smile. And so also don't crip this friendship thing so tight because I think you have a lot more friends than you realize. You may not be spending time with them and instead you're po ren energy into people who are not giving IT back to you and that's when you got a point and let them theory just like stop chasing everybody. Stop point into uh, things that don't give you energy back and then when you stop doing IT and you let the other person show up or not, now you know what you're .

deal with awesome love that upgrade your friendship expectations. Next question from ata. SHE says, male, how do I make decisions without all of the over thinking that goes along with IT?

I'm going to give you a simple tool, use objectification and literally take somebody that you respect and ask yourself, what would so on. So do love that that's IT that's IT and here's what you're gna notice if you were to say, well, what would mill Robins do? You can borrow confidence.

You can borrow decisiveness from other people. You know I am a very decisive person if you feel a little like if you know what I would do, here's the way I want you to think about that. That looks like .

insecurity like, yeah I don't want to do that.

That just sphere make sense because you're picking a person that you respect or you're picking a person who has what you want. And so when you ask yourself, what would so and so do? What would the rock do in the situation?

What would up my mentor do in the situation? If you get a little bristle, when you get the answer, that's just your fear. Five, four, three, two, one bomb, go.

I love that. Pick your person. yep. Five, four, three, two, one, boom. go. And then all the over thinking atash out the window, or nearly says, how do you negotiate a salary as a woman with a male boss?

Oh, you prove what you want. Most of us do not do our homework, and the homework that you're doing is typically the wrong homework. So typically, what people do when they go in to negotiate some sort of salary increase is that you do a comparison of the job title in the area that you live.

But that's not necessarily relevant to your employer. What's more relevant to your employer is you proving to your employer the amount of things and the contribution that you're making specifically to the bottom line and to the things that matter. Because if you can walk in armed with all the things that you're doing that impact the bottom line with the problems that you've solved, what you've actually shown me is that you're invaluable. And what somebody else is paying somebody else with your title at another company is completely irrelevant to me as your boss because a lot of bosses feel not conflicted, but almost like, okay, if you want to go make that go work there, show me that you've learned that. And if you really start to pay attention and keep track of all the contributions you're making and the problems that you're solving and how that impacts the bottom line, now you're proving value and you might be even worth more than what that salary analysis shows you.

nice. awesome. Next question, what were your dreams smell as a Young girl?

Um I really looked up to my dad and he was a doctor and I had a dream of being a doctor. And i'm not like laugh when I say this, but I thought, okay, i'm going to be a doctor and cure cancer. That was my dream.

I didn't do that. OK, yeah, you didn't do that. yes.

No, what i'm not planning .

on IT IT doesn't call to me anymore. I think that was more of an admiration than a dream of my own. Yeah, because if I or really to dig deep, I think what I really wanted to do was be a performer. Well, I think IT was the seeing artist on stage, singing and acting and plays, and that kind of stuff really brought me alive.

Even if you went into a church and there was a sermon that really start something in you that's really if I dig deep um I wanted to do something like that but I didn't know what that meant so I would just say I really want to be a doctor yeah and all IT took was freshman intro to I think IT was either biology or chemistry class. And I like the same for me now. Thank you. right?

So IT evolved from being a doctor to a performer. And then when did you know like this is what I wanted .

do with my life? Oh not that. No I I literally um I became a history in a film major and I got a they called that a certificate.

I got a certificate women study. So I was like a double major in american history and filmmaking and I got a certificate women studies. And the other big thing that I did is I was, I was a volunteer crisis intervention council. Uh, I would volunteer couple times a month taking a calls on a domestic violent talent.

Wow, nice smell. Okay, so tiny says he male. No question. I just wanted to let you know that you are my north star. I love mail.

I love you. Unity, alright, I love this. But we got to take a quick break and you're a word or sponsors and will be right back.

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Hey, it's well, and I am taking your questions. Rapid fire today. Ask me anything. Just don't bitch at me because you don't like the answer. I amy.

what's up next? okay. So next question, how do you get people to go to therapy but refuse to say that they need IT? So how do you get people to go to therapy when you know they need .

IT and they refuse? Well, um you can't make anybody do anything, but you can make IT clear what your boundary are. If somebody doesn't think they quote need therapy, then the first issue is that they don't understand what therapy is for, because everybody needs therapy in their life. Now let me impact the sentence, you don't need therapy. You need therapy in your life.

What does that mean? Therapy is when you are engaged in a conversation about your life, about your thoughts, about your habits, about your hopes and dreams and your relationship PS and the obstacles and chAllenges that you're facing, that you're in a conversation about those things intentionally and you're doing IT with a person that is objective, meaning they are not a friend and you're not a family member. And the most powerful thing about the relationship is that because they're objective and because they have some level of training, you're not responsible for their feelings.

So this is the one person in your life. You don't have to worry about what they think or about what their feelings are about what you're discussing. You have another human being that is trained to listen to you and help you untangle the thoughts and the behaviors and the patterns and the things in your life that you want less of, or they are making you unhappy and to amplify the things that are going well.

And so I look at therapy as a luxury. I think it's a privilege, and I believe this is something that every human being on the planet deserves. Just like when you go to elementary school or middle school, high school, there's a school cancer that is a resource that is there in order to help you be successful.

And that's what I see about therapy. And so I would start to talk about therapy very differently because when you tell somebody they need to go to therapy, you're basically then you're fucked up and you need to do something about IT. And so that's confronting who wants to go to therapy when you feel like IT must mean something wrong with you.

Um so to me, therapy is an incredible gift you give to yourself if you can afford IT if you have access to IT. Um that's one thing. Second thing is that is somebody understood that a therion or the right could help them achieve goals and be more successful and happy in life and you frame IT around the change in the opportunity that's more enticing.

Isn't IT. Wouldn't you love to go to talk to somebody if you knew that I would make you feel Better, if you knew that would make you feel more motivated and capable and courageous and confident? Would you love to talk to somebody who could help you strategize about how to deal things at work, how to defuse situations with your family?

That's what you're doing there. It's not kind of that that caricature that we all have in our minds. We are lying on a couch, staring at a ceiling, and somebody is taking notes and looking at a different direction as you blob on and on and on about the sob story, that your life, that is not what my therapy sessions are like, and that's not what therapy has to be.

And so I think you could frame IT differently. Now, what are the thing. You teared up like that, and then you gotto use, let them here again, let them decide whether going or not.

Because you can't force somebody. You can shame somebody. You can drag them. If you're a parent, of course, you have agency over your kids, and you should empower your kids to talk to a therapist if you think that would help. But i'm talking adult to adult.

That said, you gotta let them make a decision, but then you've gotten, let yourself express what you need IT is one thousand percent your responsibility to say to somebody, i'm worried about you, i'm worried that you have depression, I can't handle this on my own IT is killing me to watch you struggle and I need you to see a therapy and i've found one, and I have made appointment for you. IT is your call if you're going to go or not. I've done the work, but i'm asking you because I am so worried about you to go see this person and talk to them and get some support if they say no.

Now you can express a boundary. I can't be in this relationship. If you're not going to get help for your depression, I will not stay, marry to you.

If you do not get help for your addiction, I will have to end this. If you cannot be sober, and if you refuse to get help, I am very scared that you're not going to be successful. And I would love for you to be successful.

How you go about IT is yours. But if you're not going to address this, then i'm not gonna stay and that on you. That's not manipulation. That's clear communication.

See, what most of us do is we badger somebody to go to therapy, right? And then we get pissed off when they don't go, or they go once, and then they bark about the therapy. And then, you know, we do. We never express boundary.

We just built up resentment, and then that resentment builds within us and we don't express IT IT comes out and like barking and this and that and fighting and no longer having sex with the person and just being kind of angry and frustrated when this whole thing could have been fixed by you being a clear communicator. And sometimes a clear communicator means if you don't do x, then i'm not going to be in this relationship. That's what a boundaries is.

It's a clear line in the sand. There isn't a lot of grey in this area because most relationships die on the vine because of built up presents. And the reason why resentments build up because you're not fucking talking about the things .

you feel that absolutely. Did I go off? I think a lot of people are going to have turn conversations with their partners tonight after hearing that.

I love that. And you know, look, you don't have to be like i'm out of here after seventeen years of marriage because people don't pip IT on a dime. But you can say i'm worried about this.

I'm giving you three months to deal with IT. I want you to go to therapy. I've i've done the research.

Here is the person I am asking that you do. I did this with Chris. He was struggling with major depression for, I mean, turns out, like seven years. Thank god. Di, at healthy habits with the guy probably had died from IT.

And my healthy habits, I meant waking up every morning, meditating every morning, going for a walk in the woods every morning, doing work that made him feel uh like he's doing something meaningful, writing in his journal every single day, talking to a therapies but he did not want to a face a depression diagnosis. And he felt that if he took medication, that would be weak. And I was concerned that all of the fucking meditating was making the depression worse because he was isolated.

And there is new research out that shows that too much meditation can make depression worse because you are sitting in your thoughts. And IT was, in my opinion, making IT worse for crest. I had to finally, after two years of watching him get worse and worse, go look, here's my boundary.

Because what you're doing is not working. You need to go on the medication that the psycho pharmacologist and our marriage councillor have both recommended, and you need to take IT for a fucking year. And if you can't do that, this marriage won't work cause I can sit here and watch you get worse.

And have you argue against the thing that the professionals are telling you to do? And took the medication? And do I feel like a one? No, I feel like I expressed a boundary.

And that freed me of any resentment and desire to control him. And that made me feel safe. And that medication gave him a latter to climb out of the mental hole. And after hearing one of IT, and he's been great. And in the words of our therapist, the medication got him out of that spiral, which allowed the therapy we were doing to work.

That makes sense, makes a lot of sense.

I really like dropped the ball on that answer right there. So let me take a quick pause. You take a quick pause, collect yourself and do not go anywhere because we've got a pile of your questions coming up in.

The next one could be yours. Stay with us. Will we write back? You know, others.

One thing that I know about you because you listen to this podcast that you have big ambitions. You care about your goals. And the question is, are you there yet? If you're not, that's a good thing.

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Welcome back. It's your friend. Now i'm here with amy. We are going wrap and fire bone bone bomb through your questions. We have an avante of them and we are swiming upstream. So amy hit me with the next .

OK next question from shan melt, how do you initiate being vulnerable without word vomiting? So I guess strong, get a little nervous and then tries to be vulnerable and then just spills all the beans.

What's really cute about chance question is that chance trying to control being vulnerable and shine as a fellow? Word vomit ter word vomitings is your form of vulnerability.

awesome. Okay, here we go from a Diana. She's asking you mail, what's your favorite swear word?

swear? Swear word. Probably the f bomb, I would think. I mean like as in like just a swear word. Yes, that's probably my favorite.

Si, vt, the o all time favorite felt the when you're a little kid, which meant I had the most excited attachment to IT. And but you know, I have like kind of swear word, sort of trash insults per season. You have one to what you've been saying that recently I was still for you. What is your swear insult for the season? Amy.

magical for the season of fall? Yes, my swear word is dick bag. Just really enjoying saying what .

I laugh every time you say that because you do this thing or you you have you do that amy, you need to understand is a stand up comedian like he does stand up. You really did you perform?

Yes, I I do yes.

And so I sometimes I feel when i'm working with you that you'll be having a conversation with yourself about something that will happen and you'll go you dick bag and I like that is the greatest IT salt I like do so I don't know that that's mine right now, do you? Yes.

well, I like sounds french. If do if you say that really fast, IT could be last name but you really know that it's your your private, just favorite swear word for for autumn just for them OK this listener says, meal you gotten, get me out of what I feel is a midlife crisis. What the hell happens after forty? help.

Everything happens after forty. Being older, getting the insecure comparison on confusing twice out of the way, getting the latter climbing status, chasing, keeping up with the Jones as thirties out of the way.

When you start sliding into your forties, you are wiser, you give less shits, you have more experience, you have moved through relationships, you have fucked up, you have failed, you have succeeded, you have regrets, you have so much time left. You, I mean, it's the best. I would not go back in time for fucking anything.

And you know everybody says, no college best for years of your life. No they're not. They're the next four years of your life.

I just love being the asia that I am, which is fifty four. I actually like my fifties Better than my forties. And so here's the thing. It's not a midlife crisis. You have a midlife opportunity.

You have a mid life for can like it's and I hate calling IT to do over because you're not doing anything over you're building from experience like you could pave IT from anywhere from here. Think about the network that you have that you didn't have in your twice. Think about how much more you know about life or relationships or any of IT then you did your thirties.

Think about how much technology is advanced and how you could leverage all of that skill set, that wisdom and that bigger network that you have and all of the failures that you've had and utilized technology, if you're willing to be curious enough to create something. Are you kidding me? We need to have a revolution, a wake up moment on this planet that the best years of your life are as you get older. awesome.

I'm not buying into IT.

Don't buying into this midlife crisis bulch now. And if you're going to have that moment, let IT fill you. If you're that unhappy with what happened in the first part of your life and your panic stricken that you're feel in half way through this road trip we call life, you can do some about IT.

I'm not gonna talk you out of having a midlife crisis. I'm gonna ask you, all right. So you're a little worried about where you are where you got fucking do .

something about IT love IT all right from Betty SHE says, how do I get my husband to get .

hearing aides?

He acts like his deafness is my imagination you're got to help .

that the out I think petty there's there's a couple things you could do. Number one, you could um have some fun with IT, right? Yeah you could you could plan a weekend away where you're gonna go do something that you love to do.

Like for example, my my dad wears hearing ads now and my parents love to go up to the casino in central michigan and go gambling like fun afternoon. That's what you'll do on an afternoon they'll drive after the casino. My mom play the slots.

My dad play a couple of hands of black jack. I'll go out for a nice lunch and they come on and so you could plan something that is like meant to be like that. And then on the way home, you're like any other surprise and then you pull in to an appointment and i'll be kick in and screaming. But whatever the second thing that you could do is you could spend an entire day talking without making a sound like literally just just mouth the word. So i'm going to pretend a mouth lords and so your mouth is moving. And what i'll do is i'll be like, what do you saying and then you're really like but i'm talking you'd like and but and then he'll started to go I can't hear you it's kind of like a like a cruel thing to do but you're making a point and IT might make him think that sort of a manipulate tive funny like I don't know what your .

relationships do. You have to bring humor into .

these things so you know but here's what I want you to really get. There's a deeper issue that's likely going on. It's got ta be really scary when you start to lose your hearing.

Mean, I in fifty five, i'm going to be fifty five and my eyes side is terrible. And IT makes me feel frail and makes me feel old and IT makes me feel vulnerable. And for, you know, amount of that generation in particular, admitting that your hearing is going is like admitting that you're in the final leg of the race called life.

And so there might be fear there. There might be pride there. There might be, you know, something he's not even in touch with because again, this is a generation of um human beings that were not taught how to talk about their deeper feelings.

And so i'm sort of making light of IT and kind of thinking about how he'd been married that long. Can you have fun and kind of trick somebody and do IT? How can you make your point right that this is an issue? And certainly by not talking out loud and and pantomiming your sentences, you're making your point.

But I would imagine if you were to say, you know, are you nervous or does that make you feel like weak to admit that you have to do this? Because I think that's what's actually going on. And the other factor might be, is he the first of his friends, you know, in your friend group? Does everybody else have hearing aides? Is he the first one? Like all these things really act like hurdles emotionally inside of us that make us less than enthusiastic to address things.

especially as we age is true. And it's kind of like the therapy question to and that you know you want to sell IT to me be like, hey, i'd love to enjoy these next few years with you you know yeah and I could be really fun if we like went to a movie and you weren't asking me what everybody says and all the time, right?

Yeah I know what I think there's this is a really big point. And I think about this a lot relationships that there's so much that's going on benni eth, the surface that we're not connecting with each other on. And if you don't connect with each other at the deeper thing, then of course, you're now frustrated with him because that's what rises to the surface.

And look, he may be a stubborn as hole who doesn't want to be told what to do. And if you say up, he says down. If you say left, he says, right. And so you might be dealing with that dynamic, I don't know, but I suspect it's something that needs a little compassion, a little humor, and it's an opportunity to connect over things that make him feel kind of insecure.

I think you hit on the head there, mile.

I working. Love this. Do you guys love this?

I love this. I love hearing from you. And we're going to keep on doing this. So keep on evening your questions and keep on moving on and moving forward of your life and know that your friend ml.

Robins is always here to give you the kick in the us, the truth you didn't want to hear, and the advice that I hope you needed already. I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a Better life. And that's why i'm here every monday and every thursday, and that's why i'm going to be here again in a few days to keep cheering for you because I love you talk to so.

Are you doing the surface? All right, welcome to the male e robbin's pot. Wait, no, that's now what I do.

Hi, I can do IT all okay, you're welcome. I want to unpack this a little bit while my dog is barking in the background. Um so Jesse's gna have to let us up.

See, there's there's, there's yellow barking. U, P, S, must be here. Um thanks. I will wait. No one's here.

Oh, do you want to bring him up here? Yellow, as they not working anymore. Yeah, okay, what's another one?

Oh, you, anna, do IT. yeah. Here am with my beautiful blouse. Oh, my god, amazing.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read to you, this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

I'm just your friend. I am not a licence therapies, and this pocket is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional. Got IT good.

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