#739 - Dr Robert Glover - The Lifetime Problem With Being A “Nice Guy”
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Hello, friends, welcome back to the show. My yesterday is doctor Robert glover is a therapies coach and an author. Being nice is something many of us aspire to become.

After all, who doesn't want to be nice? Well, nice guy syndrome has been ruling the lives of many men for decades. So perhaps we should aspire to be something else.

Expect to learn what is actually wrong with being a nice guy, why men becomes so afraid of putting their needs first, how to stop people pleasing, why nice guys end up being bitter and resent for whether nice guy is actually attracted a repel women and much more. God, I fell in love with this man on this episode. He is so cool and baLanced and insights and supportive and just, I really love this vibe.

One, one hundred person will be coming back on the show some but easy legend Normal is a nice guy his book is like an absolute legend remains work flash psychology in an exploration tome and got is just so insist ve really, really cool uh the people that this episode is for and the partners of the people or the the sisters or the the wife, the people as well. Um IT is very, very impressive. I really think you gonna take tons away from today.

Ah it's it's fantastic. Really, really hope that you enjoy this one. This episode is brought you by next sweet.

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What's wrong with being a nice guy?

What's wrong with being a nice guy is a good question. know? I put out a book called no more mr.

Nice guy. I'm sure a lot of people picked IT up that. Wait me, there's already enough not nice guys out there.

Why somebody write a book t mean how to be not nice? The problem would be a nice guy, just a quick elevator pitches. Is that a nice guy is a guy who inaccurately internalized the belief system in very Young age. I'm not okay just as I am. So he's trying to do two things very unconsciously.

Usually one has become what he thinks everybody else wants him to be, so he'll be liked and loved and get his needs back and get laid, hopefully regularly, and hide anything about himself that might get a negative reaction from people, uh, hiding his needs and wants of sexuality. So all you turn yet laid he decided to sexuality. Um so a core problem with nice guy syndrome is nice guys tend to be on uh unauthentic uh there there's not real them there.

They're trying to become something, hide something, and that tends to make them surely dishonest on trust. Worthy, frustrated, resented, pass sive, aggressive, all list of trades that can go along and in mainly IT prevents I am a recovery nice guy. I'm not speaking down anybody you know, IT keeps us from just being ourselves, living up for for our full potential, having what we want in life, have a good time. And so just a lot of baggage to come .

along with IT. What are the component parts of being a nice guy? What are the traits that they embody or project?

Were you what you recognize most often, and what listers may recognize them themselves? A court teNancy is often in people pleasing, seeking external validation. And and for men, usually that seeking validation from women, even even gay guys, I find, tend to do IT.

Even they don't plan on having sexual women. They we talking more about this, but were we learn from birth to police women? So there's that people pleasing that external validation um fAiling to live up to once full potential a basic cordon est state thinking.

You know, I am a good guy. I'm pretty honest. I I always laugh.

We meant tell me they're pretty honest. I say that's actually a contradiction of terms. Um you're honest, you're not and interest.

You know, for most nice guys, just a certain dull depression that they live with, just thinking, you know, I should be happy. I should begin what I want. I should be getting love.

I should, I should, but i'm not. And I don't know why not. And so there's there's a lot of characteristics, but that the core p you'll see the most often is that people pleasing seeking .

of external al validation who is the prototypical nice guy avatara like described him for me.

Oh, is you know he just .

just .

that guy that you know walk into life trying to make everybody happy, trying not to do anything wrong. I want to fuck anything up, doesn't want na piss anybody of, uh goes along to get along. You know we're heard that you know, happy wife, happy life.

If I just make everybody happy, everything's good. Um I I have a course that i've talked for number years called nice guys don't finish last. They route in little management so he's good at being good. But you know he doesn't excel, he doesn't stand out of standing out is actually really scary for nice guys it's too much attention is too much expectation.

Um so you know when I start working with nice guys thirty years ago, um most of the matter worked with or probably were around my age of my early thirty at that time and um so he was a lot of baby uh baby boom generation guys, you know, they were trying to be different than their fathers, a world war two, you know, man, uh, they were in that protest generation against vietnam, grown their hair out, get touch with their family inside and and so a lot of man I worked with, you know, kind of grew up in that era, but i've been doing this for a while. And so you know my son, thirty eight, for example. So you know I worked with millennial, millennial many Younger than that and was funny IT is was mine generation allow them men, uh, kind of attribute part of their nice guy de stuff?

Well, my dad wasn't there, or know my parents divorce, or, you know, he worked all the time or using alcohol nowaday. I hear a lot of me say, oh, my dad was a nice guy and and about all he taught me about life was don't pissed off your mother and because he was walk around eg. Shells trying not to pissed off my mother so you know, i've seen that whole range all the way from the guys are reacting to, you know the the that the ashok. Patriarch father to now the guys that were raised by nice guys and they don't know in the other way of being.

it's like one generation had the tyre and the other generation had the compliant.

That's a good way to put IT as nice yeah the time they compliant .

yeah IT was but he's the interesting thing, right? It's so fascinating that you had one generation that was rebelling in the nicest even if that nicest isn't that yeah and then another generation that was following in the nicest. So there seems to be a particular stickiness to nicest, if tyrants that are emotionally unavailable and not nice are able to create nice guys, and nice fathers are .

also big travel.

So what's why is IT so prevalent? Is what is this poll? Are we as men?

Are we inclination or absorbing something from the world? Is this the way that we were raised by mom and dad? Is what's the what's the origin? What's the genesis? Is the seed of this?

That's a good question, of course. Of course, what every nice guy wants. How do I get to be this way? You know.

you cursed me with this.

Yeah, I I quickly learned when I started working with nice guys again thirty years ago, that there is no one. You know, once I fit all, how how you got to be a nice guy. I thought there was at first.

I thought they're all like me, you know, uh, disconnected from their father in some significant way, uh, you know, significant, raised by their mother, trying to please are mom and in in and I thought, well, that that explains to all but he did. And there's so many pieces going into a lot of men I work with that identifies being nice guys. I think part of a certain temperament, part of IT just they're easy going.

You know, my my mother would often say in adult to woman I was dating, oh, Bobby never did like conflict. And I am thinking of, thanks, mom. You know, what are you telling these women? Be nice to my son. Don't be mean to IT.

But i'm also thinking, who does like conflict? You know, I do tend to marry women who like to fight, but I for me, because I, you know, OK can can you know, instead of us, you you doing something that starts to fight, I say to them, can I just yet you a little bit, you cry and I hold you and that really what you know, this is all about anyway. And my wife always say, no IT IT doesn't count if you really mad at me um so I I don't like conflict in many of .

the nice guys will have the raw materials of some part of my nature of of us part of my nature but that's .

just kind of one category even nice guy. The other one that that I bumped in, I call off those I am so good. Nice guy is the guy that just always did everything right, no matter what you know.

But the other side I talk about in Normal mr. Nice guy is what I call i'm so bad. Nice sky. This is the one that you maybe start rebelling IT in early age, maybe had A D, H, D.

And diagnose, you know, is always in pulse, get in trouble, you know, not following through getting out there, getting punished, starts doing drugs and an alcohol at fourteen drops at school. And then maybe at some point as a, uh a come to jesus moment, religion, military is married as a kid, death in the family. He goes, I I got to quit, you know, self destructing.

I I got, I got to be nice. So there's that kind of nice guy as well as a different temperament than than the other. One of the pieces you have, the so many pieces are going into this.

But to answer your question, how do we what's a stickiness part? Again, I think a real core piece that I see with so many nice guys is this attempt to to please women. And i'm talking to me of the day, we makes perfect sense because we think about IT.

We're all born to a woman. Our earliest caregiver, IT, is not mom, is probably some other woman. So from the time were born, our very survival, our sustains, our oceans, depends on a woman.

And probably us getting along with that woman is probably a good thing, right? And so that's really Normal that that our first experiences are how how to negotiate a relationship with a woman to make that big, powerful holds our our life in her and a person. How to make sure that's okay.

And I don't know about in the U K. But when I was growing up uh, in seattle, I have one male teacher. Before I got to junior high.

There's four times more female fighter pilots in the U. S. F. Force by percentage. Then there are male kindergarten teachers.

There you go. You've done your research. So so I had one teachers. So that means just to learn how to get from second to third grade.

Not only had learned my reading, writing and arithmetic, I had to please a woman. Okay, all of that. Fine there. There's nothing inherently wrong that I think that's actually probably the way always been. But history, ally, I mean, we go back even two or three generations.

But if you go through most of human history, at about eight, twelve, the men came into the boy's life, took him, you know, from the woman, took him out at a master initiation, taught him how to get comfortable being uncomfortable, how to faces fear, how to live in the scary world of the masculine, and therefore, in spite most of his time, from them on out with men in the masculine. And and so he got, he moved through that what I have to do to police or more 嘛。 So I think there's a really Normal thing that to to try to please women survival for for every Young boy.

But what was missing is there's no initiation to take some how how to go face their fears in the scary world with the master land and quit seeking the approval and validation of women because there's this really interesting paradox that I took me years to find out. And you know, a lot of them I work with takes, you know, it's it's a big surprise, is all pursuing women and trying to please them doesn't make them and arrested in you. He doesn't make them like you IT doesn't make them when I have sex with you.

No IT actually doesn't actually not trying to please woman tends to make a guy more interesting to in general. That's a big paradox for a lot of the man I work with. And I was remain, you mean, mean all this, me listening to talk about their problems, me trying to be different in the jerks, they complain about me repressing my sexuality.

So it's not like I just want that one thing from them. Even all that doesn't make them and arrested in me. Now he doesn't actually, but they do seem to be drawn and attracted to.

The guy was comfortable in his own living, a life, you know, on his terms, connected with men, put in a big deny universe that is really attractive. But there's no, no. How do I get this woman's approval involved in that homies?

What are the covert contracts?

Oh, i'm glad yes, that that's that's my favorite. I'm no members to a nice guy and know many men read and say, Robert, that is the biggest take away. The cover contracts are unspoken, often unconscious, reems that the nice guy has with everything to saw him with the world, with god, with women, which is how things work.

And in the book, a mombi general. But I broken IT down to three specific covert contracts at nice guys out. They're all if then, uh, if I do this, then this will happen.

They all are are basically manipulative. They all live strings attached. And often the nice guy isn't aware of them and nobody else is either.

So cover contract number one. If i'm a good guy, I will be like and loved and IT. And you going back in the woman i'm trying to impress, you want to be with me at sex of, so i'm good.

I'll be like in love. Number two, if I made everybody else's needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask. Now unfortunately, nobody else knows this contract exist, so they don't know.

They're posed to read our minds and figure out what we want like we're trying to do for them. Core problem with this is that nice guys are actually really terrible receivers. We're not good hit letting people do force.

We're not good at giving to ourselves. So let's cover contract number two. Cover contract number three is if I do everything right, then I will have a smooth problem.

Free world. So it's kind of a Peter pan ish kind of thing. You know, I do everything right. I'm i'm a good guy, but unfortunately, where where the player, the referee, the score keeper and we got the big score board, i've done everything right.

How come this stuff still and going the way proposed to go in my life? So nice guys to walk around these colbert contracts and you ask, you know what what the court characteristic of a nice guy. One of them is, is that they're often really resent, you know, they might say, what kind of bug and kind of frustrated.

But the really example of enrage ful, because i've been doing this, i've been doing IT, right? I've been following the rules. I've been, you know, being the good guy. I've been meeting your needs. I've done, you know, following all the rules.

You know, how come on once at matter, how come i'm not getting all the all the stuff that I thought I work? And that leads to a lot of resentments. And that's one way I can tell.

I tell nice guys how how do I know from from using colbert contracts? And I go, you'll know because you walk around resentful and passed off, either because you dolt get back in turn or you didn't even get appreciated for for all that that you did. I I heard somebody share quality of the day. I really like to me is another really nice way putting covert contracts and this, I guess this from real styles. And he says unspoken expectations .

are premeditated .

resentment. Isn't that .

yeah .

that.

So the frustration and the resentfulness that's coming from offering to the world something that you think should be univerSally liked, you have that there is there is no way that anybody could be offended by what i'm doing. I'm following the rules. I'm offering the world lot while asking for nothing in return. And the fact that not asking for something in return results, are you getting nothing in return?

Funny how that works, I don't know.

But IT, I suppose this is well plays into the dishonesty bit. And it's so I understand I would say that i'm very much in nice guy category um very much of people please uh um my temperament is to be averse to conflict as well. Um i've made a dent in many ways but it's been done it's been done by weaving my way through avoiding much of the the conflict that I would maybe need to so I suppose I can be at least in some regards A A para gona or like A A role model for the successful nice guy in in many ways too.

Yeah yeah I don't like, can't like but you know you know i'm doing okay.

do something I always felt I always felt the fact that I wasn't like might might go to isn't typically a aggression. That's not what I lean into um and despite the fact I got a background of fighting and and doing other things and physical training and stuff like that, I always felt like I emasculated me. The fact that there was something more heroic about being someone that was quick to anger you know, there was something kind of typically masculine about that and I think I was not strong enough to say ashamed, but if IT IT didn't feel as grand to be someone who would be, I know that this is the ability in you know being into control, having your emotions and um but there's also a degree of fragile ity. I think that you can sometimes feel with that also.

Well, let me give a one way to maybe look at the model and see if IT fits. What you're saying is that when I was writing no more mister nice guy, I really focused a lot on shame, being a core foundation of a nice guy syndrome that internalized believe i'm not okay, and inaccurately internalized belief from our early est life experience.

Few weeks old, few few months old, by the time I been writing the book, and IT was, you know, getting ready to be published. I I by that time, I really can also see that anxiety plays maybe equally significant role in night sky. So where everything the nice guys you're doing is trying to manage that since of shame, i'm not okay.

I'm unlove a bomb effective and the anxious states and I might put somebody off, I might get rejected, I might get hurt, I might lose, and I look foolish. So, you know, both of those things really play into IT. And one of things that i've come to see is, is that whether we've got just kind of break IT down, whether we've got kind of the isle jerk over here, that fighter I quit to fight guy, or the worse y dorma, you know, the nice guy over here is the avoided in in kind of doesn't like the conflict.

I think they're boat on the same continue. I think they're both in a fight flight freeze mode of managing their inner state of anxiety. The nice guy is in the flight freeze bond sometimes added to that is, and what we call the jerk is in the fight mode. Now there are both still just trying to manipulate people in situations outside of them because are anxious, the nice guy does that might be nice and avoided and not upsetting anybody. And, you know, waiting for IT to blow over you all, I can.

Where is, you know, the guy? The other end of the spectrum is is just is just quick to react with aggression to manage the people in situations around him so so he doesn't feel afraid and anxious and so mental often you know to read my book er hear some of my information. Robert, I get that being a nice guy isn't working and I don't want to be that but I don't want to be the actual either you where where's that middle ground and and I go I actually don't know where the tipping point is between two dsf unctions extreams IT doesn't exist, right? What what we're actually talking about is, is going to a different playing a different level where we actually learn to soothe ourselves, we're actually learn be assertive.

We actually in the boundary where we actually learn to be differentiated and ask because of what I want and follow through on IT, where there's in this a whole different plane of behavior version. Just what do I do to not feel ananas ious here? But again, the nice guy and the jerk, probably neither one is aware that they are china man is our anxious states and and IT isn't until you actually get told that maybe that's what you're doing to o oh, wow, I never thought about that for and then then you actually can feel your anxiety rather than trying to just manage IT or IT doesn't, you know, make you feel so anges .

is IT a desire to feel safe than to feel you should.

Yeah, I think safety at the core, because I took a child development one to one back in grad school. I think the very first thing they told us, one of the few things maybe I remembered was that for every child, abandonment equals so children come into the world inherently vulnerable. There's no one to take care of us.

IT takes humans longer to mature in the self sufficiency than any other animal on the planet. You know, our grandfathers, maybe that was about to over fourteen. You know, uh, my age is more, you know, consider eighteen, twenty one, twenty two, outside thirty five for a Young man to you know mature.

We will take care of themself as a joke um but but is true. So we're dependent, completely dependent. And if somebody doesn't take care of us, we die. So if we get abandoned and neglected, uh, we die.

So I know from me, like when my wife, yeah, my wife repeated, and I been married for seven years now, mexico moment, I ET here in mexico and SHE gets a look on her face and like, i'll go into, you know, this mode if I got, I got to fix IT, she's upset, she's anger. I got to make IT Better. And I been working on the thirty years.

So not like I don't know what what's happening and i'll just watch myself had this anxious state, but I got A, I got daughter down through over, get her back to good, you know, make her happy again. And i'm thinking, why am I worried about with this short little mexican woman? why? What look SHE has on her face? I lover, of course.

But why? Why is that triggers such depth of the anxiety? And really, is you really SAT within work with IT IT traders, a really old emotional state that does feel like i'm gonna die. If this doesn't get Better right now, i'm going to die. And I I don't actually had that thought in my head.

but my reaction to IT feels out .

in that the embodied senses, if you should, Operating.

yeah, yeah. I wonder stepping outside of relationships for a second of relationships with anybody, including chips, one of the patterns that i've noticed, especially among some of my friends that are nice guys or recovering nice guys, is a desire to do things right, of course, to like a task inner of itself. Uh, I would guess that nice guys are probably more orderly than the Normal person. Sources will be stacked in the, in the right way most.

Because, again, you think that, you think that, okay, I got to do IT right, I ve got to do IT orderly. But, you know, i've got my kite camera angle where you can see what's all side. It's the mess is is, is not terrible, but um IT IT is mess here on the size, and IT is behind me.

And so again, a lot of the nice guys I work with, they may have perfectionism expectations of themselves and some work really hard to to to meet them and there in a set of anxiety all the time. But others, I know they go haven't made my bed in years. You know I don't pick up after myself.

I came over the last time I I checked my bank account baLance. So you think there would be that but but ironically um there's not here's a piece that IT makes something odd on on the surface of IT. But when I talk with nice guys about their fears and their anxieties, I think when the biggest anxiety, fearing that the typical nice guy might have, isn't so much of fear.

Failure for your foolishness, looking foolish for your loss, for your making a mistake, is fear of success. Because what happens if I do get IT right? What happens if I rise up to a level of success? And then you know there's things that can happen.

All of us, the barge rates, the expectations are hired. I'm in a rider spotlight. I might get attacked.

I'm more visible. Um there there's so many that I I lose control over my time. All of these built in an anxieties of what if are too successful. So again, a lot of times the nice guys will unconsciously I don't really like the words self sabotage, but they'll get in their own way of living up to to their full potential. And keeping things messy around you is actually a pretty good way to, you know, you know, not live up your full potential, not checking your bank account by now, then you buy on the out sooner later.

Isn't interesting that .

the .

almost universal ity of high ability of this honest jono, do you need to saw the dog? This he's a regular occur and I can see .

she's usually in the room with me and and she's a dear is my brain chicken chill? Yeah the problem is she's upset because somebody's out front and i'm the only one home and I don't want to go deal whoever might be up OK I could just be my wife getting home with my daughter from school. So yeah SHE just been a good girl.

Let me know. Exact puppy. There's somebody out there. There's somebody out there. This go, this go. And IT may be you just saw a cat. So you I don't .

I.

I don't know. sorry.

SHE what you yeah it's interesting that there is a this almost universality of a not having healthy boundaries of being dishonor to being manipulative. Although you don't think that you are overly liable in a way that means that you change yourself to get the outcome that you want from people. But IT seems, at least based on what you ve said here, that there appears to be a boundary, at least typically among the nice guys where this doesn't outside of relationships, friendships, family dating at such a this doesn't spread out into A A overbearing desire for for orderliness and and sort of perfectionism, all areas of life you know, with regards to an obsession about getting IT right .

about being. And I just what i'm trying to says is not .

where is the stuff is yeah, but it's what IT shows at least what IT says to me is that something IT it's obvious that ground zero for this stuff is relationships.

You know that that would have been my first thought as well because IT is for me and IT is for many nice guys. But you know what, i've i've seen guys who are total nice guys in relationship and they get on the job and they get as you know, that the highly successful at work.

I've known other people that IT showed up you know um at work where are told nice guy and going along to getting along and never really step up up never launching you know that that business and but at home you know there are why could say he's not a nice guy you nice everybody else being not nice to me so IT IT can be interesting and and that will work again. When I started working with nice guys, I just swim. There's a one piece fits all and and is really not now there are those certain commonalities, but I think partly because we're also dealing with temperament that for example, maybe you and I had very different life experiences.

Maybe we have some similarities of temperate, some differences, different life experiences. We're not going to turn out just the same. We may still have those tendencies of, you know seeking approval, avoiding conflict, you know kind of, uh, oh, you know, i'm so good. Why does not everybody like me and everybody tried to be just like me? Um there might be some similarities, but we might be very different and still relate to this as, yes, i'm a nice guy.

understood. What about hidden behavior? They keep things hidden from themselves. They keep them. Why is that so common?

Why is IT common? Because you know those two things. You know, when we first started, you asked me, you know what? What is the nice guy? And basically, and I said, he's a guy trying to get everybody's approval and validation and hold new Franker up the switches, the wind blowing.

But the other piece is that hiding things about ourselves, you know, hiding anything, for example, that might get that look on my wide face, you know, h SHE got that look. I must have done something. I Better not do that.

And I get that big at a very, very early age when getting that look from somebody important to us might result in getting slap, getting snap, getting rejected, getting yelled back, getting shaken, whatever so nice guys is, is part of that. I ve got to hide whatever there is about me that tends to create these negative reactions around me. But often there's another peace, not, again, not universal, but often for nice guys in their family system, somebody has been defined as the needy person.

The most important person could be dead, could be mom, could be sibling, and their needs were more important. All the attention and focus went on, you know, making sure dad never get pissed off, making sure mom did go on a tiring, making sure you know, brother doesn't, you know, whatever, you know, he's sick or he's he's out of control. So often for nice guys, we will try to become this needless, wordless, never rock the, but never be a moment's problem kind of person.

So what we interpret is us having needs, trust, too much attention and and you know, my there are need more, more important in mind. And so nice guys, again, trying to avoid that negative reaction. The two things we often outside our needs and wants in our sexuality, in the sexual I is kind of easy to to put a finger on.

We know we we live in a culture that we're bomb barred with sexual stimuli everywhere you go. But still there's still that you know that religious message that is bad, evil, save IT for the one you love. And yeah, it's the whole shame or after our sexuality.

You think that would have gone away by now? But but it's not. It's strong as ever. So for the the, the the very Young nice guy, when kind back up a little way back to to the child development, one of one stuff again, every child when the experience discomfort of any kind and the hungry, they don't get fed wet, their diet, they mess, and their diaper, they don't get change, or cold, they don't get help. Then the other stomach, he, they don't get whatever.

When every child experience is comfort, their children are narcissist by nature, emotionally, they assume, this is me. I, I am the cause of this. I did something wrong.

I'm bad. They don't think IT. Because the thinking brain is an online at this early age, the emotional brain, flight, flight, free survival brain is.

And so a child will try to do two things in a very primitive way, a non thinking, nonrational, purely emotional way. They will try to medicate the feeling states they're having, socket, fun, eat, cry, sleep, smart, whatever to try, do not feel bad right now. And again, in a very, very, very primitive preval kind of way.

Try to do, try to not do whatever that was IT caused the unfortunate, or do something different. And so that begins in in a really early age. And so the child, this, this, this shame is, is inaccurately internalized at an emotional level.

I must have done something wrong. That's why this is happening. So I got figure you how to do that different and not do that.

I and so all of this comes h so early as part of an emotional language. And emotional Operating system is not in words, is not in picture memory. And IT is primitive.

So here we are trying to figure out how not to have these uncomfortable experiences and prevent them from happening again. And one of the best things are a primitive brain came up with is hide, hide. You know what? Whatever I have needs, or I needs I, I get a mongers.

When I needs, I get slapped. Oh, there need more important in mind. So just hiding is part of that, because we think IT must be about me causing these painful negative experiences to be happening to us.

Does this mean the nice guys often have coping strategies? Maybe they're overreach. Maybe they'll be compulsive with social media use, or porn of video games or substances or whatever.

The thing about that model I just gave you a child development model, every human does that. Every human we all just pick. You see, again, based on temperament and maybe just life experiences in birth order, we all pick what are we're going to do, how we're going, trying to manage this.

And I suck to my thumbs. And kinney think maybe I was trying to deal some more comfortable and cell saving exactly, trying to manage some anxiety there. So that's what I did. Now we we go through childhood. We hit adolescence.

And now where we really want people approval, want to fit in and and be noticed in our attention, all of this really, you know gets a fuelled with with with our ormonds indeed, for attention where you know didn't really get solidified. We preach Carry these routines into adult so yeah, trying to be perfect might be what you know trying not to be perfect because my brother was perfect and I couldn't know compete with him. So i'll be the opposite or all.

I'll make the math um yeah when I eat I sure do feel Better when I spend all my day and I playing video games, I I don't feel stress and I oh is important amazing. I didn't know that this exist ted. Look why how I feel um oh you know if I get straight days, look I I finally get some validation but I don't know this ever enough.

I Better keep you know succeeding performing you know I Better get into great amazing shapes so I can be valuable oh i'll never get in good shape so who cares of this? Skip IT can take so many different forms. And the only real logic to IT is that the infant logic that you and I and everybody else had at a few weeks and a few months old.

why are nice guy? Is bad receipts.

Because we think that makes us bad. You know, the the thing is, is IT, as I said, most of us is most nice guys internalizes belief. Well, I because I have needs, that's why I I have these bad things that happen to me.

I don't have the inspired. Things won't happen. And often, again, they, I I could, I could look around in my family.

Oh, dads need your more important. Well, this all make your dads okay. Oh, now mms unhappy. This all make your mom's okay. My little brother was a general fuck up at pretty much everything. Oh, okay, you know, we got to make sure little brothers OK because he's going to fuck up and I can like, oh, if I don't help me, if I just kind of a do everything right, i'll be the golden child. I'll get some validation, you know, I won't get notice too much and get in trouble and and so again, that was my story is not every nice guy story.

But there's some fundamental piece in there that if if is visible, people know I have needs like that makes me vulnerable IT puts me risk, gets people control over me, all, all people, something. So in my own personal work, one, the only things I just start doing was was making me a priority where I put what I did for me, I, I, I do for everybody else. But I I wouldn't make me a priority and i'd make sure, you know, my wife and kids, they all went to the dentist.

I wouldn't know the dentist. You know, I saw someone say I buy for them. I went buy for me. So I just start taking good care of me. The next step that that kind of came with, that I came little bit later for me, was actually beginning to surround myself with people who wanted to help me meet my knees, and then actually letting them that was really anxiety producing to let people do things for me. And I I had a conciousness just go, okay, as as simple as like i'll take the garbage out and we got take the garbage from the kitchen to the front gate is twenty sheet got unlocked the gate put her down on the street i'm taking the garbage and my wife ago, you need help. H, no, I don't.

I don't need any help to take a bag garbage from the kitchen to the and I and so I might get responsible to say no but then I realized, well, I don't need any help but he wants to be with me he wants to accompany me SHE doesn't want to think i'm doing all the world what? She's not SHE 边 有 hard work I go， yeah yeah, come help me that do I really need to help? No, but that was actually IT took, 没有 换。 I'm so that we you know she's not really think that I did help taking the garbage out. He just wants to come take the garbage out with me just to walk to the street with me and back, you know okay, well, might to say no to that.

That's the thing about being bad. Receiver IT robs people of the enjoyment of helping you.

You you've stole my words when I get I get divorced in my late forties after twenty five years of marriage to two different women and and again, when I started dating and started meeting nice girls, you know, who want to do anything for me, wouldn't ever say what they wanted, wouldn't IT this? I, I, I add empathy for my two x wives, what I put him through, where we've been, an ice cap. But I remember I was dying.

One woman and I matter because he told me shoes at nordstrom and SHE. So he works in retail fashion sales. And one time he came over, my partner and I done some laundry elected on my couch. SHE started follow in my laundry and I said, you don't have to do that.

Shows, no, I like doing IT and shows, and i'm good at and you so he pulls on my laundry person, al stack, on the end of my bed is because I want to put IT away for you and said, i'm not put IT away either. I'm leaving IT out there. Remind me somebody loves me, you know, that that somebody wanted to do something nice for me.

After that, I started leaving my clean laundry on the couch so he could have the joy of coming over because they gave her pleasure. Now that who am I A rapper of that pleasure? And I need to work on IT, because how am I gonna receive great things in this world? If i'm not good at receiving, I can can let somebody fold my laundry.

How am I can receive the blessings of wealth, of fame, opportunity, adventure? So it's is a very conscious practice. What's for me? How do I let people give and let them have the pleasure of doing IT?

So the solution is not being a bad guy because a lot of people.

and you can you can try.

So you know, nice guys finish last. The bad guy gets to the girl. Um you know women will um sleep with the alpha but marry the bitter. Pick me.

Come up with and IT seems me i'm going to trying to interpret what I think the you your philosophy is and let me know if I get IT right. I think. The downside of being a nice guy, although settling often completely opake to the nice guys themselves. Yes, a kind of evident given um can become evident given enough crowd sourcing of sense making so people in community come up with memes and and characters and T V shows and stuff like that right? The solution that the low resolution solution that then gets proposed is if X X being nice guy is bad and doesn't get what you want, then opposite of X Y, which is bad guy must be good so the prevalence of and you know uh treat her like you don't like her uh like why women love chats like that kind of more um lothario approach to attracting women and and and getting what you want in life. And so if you know being ruthless and stuff, is that a an ironic solution to the problem of nice sky ness?

It's the a core problem with what you just proposed is IT is equally and authentic and and the other, and it's equally attached to some external outcome by trying to figure out how to do IT right. Have I just do this right again? Then i'll get the women to approve of mate, we're still in the same boat or just look of a different right way of doing IT.

Now as simple as this sounds you like when I do like interviews with like a female coach that that maybe we're to have met and and I say something that you know a generalization like the feminine, meaning all things feminine, you know where member, dogs, cats, babies, opportunity, money, whether whatever i'll say is highly attracted to a man who's comfortable in his own skin, nose, worries going and looks like he's have a good time going there and women, you know, coaches, interviewers by gasters on the old go, oh yes, I know, okay, that they're reacting, kind of their nervous system is reacting to that thing. I didn't say the guys can ask all. I didn't say treat women bad.

I didn't say, didn't give a fuck about he. He is centered in his own body. He is different, tied.

He's asking him, so what do I want? What's important to me following through on that? You not leaving the message behind, not trying to be perfect, not seeking anybody he's approve, he's on mission, he's on purpose. And in my experience, the feminine is highly attracted that you don't have to work at, at getting the family to be attracted. And now you always going have family approval.

I told someone the other day, this never come out of my mouth before, but he said, actually, there is no standard of feminine approval, but the feminine is not about standards, is just about whatever is moving masculine and standards. You go into the master world, you know, when you've lived up to the standard, when you hit the ball out of the park, when you scored a touch yang, when you made a, when you, you know, made x of money, the massu in doing standards are clear. We go into that world to go, I ve achieved.

admit we we have the stand rigorous, it's orderly.

require something of you, there's discipline, the fact there is no such thing as famine and approval. I mean, ask any guy, even a woman, who approved of them dearly in one moment, i'll ask him, have you ever had experiences for the very next moment he was on approval of you and nothing about you, a change. Do anything that.

And guys, i'll go. Yeah, isn't that the way IT always worked? Yeah, you know, one minute I when I was dating, I had women tell me, Robert, you the most amazing man.

I'm so glad I met you am so grateful. I'm so happy and then never hear from them again. Or say, Robert year after two weeks i'm i'm taking a break from dating or i'm giving my eggs another try.

What has happen? That's the world of the feminine IT does IT isn't nail down in orderly so we we have to quit seeking feminine approval. Um one of my certified coaches wrote a booked that that that I really like, but there's a line in there.

He said that a man does not mature until he quit seeking the love of a woman. As long as we're seeking love as a feminine trade law, as we're seeking to get that approval, that love, that validation from a woman, we're in a loop that there's no escape from. But when we, when we can self validate more on purpose, more living life on our terms, all of a sudden that makes us very tractive to the family.

IT will come to us. That's my experience. IT will come now soon as you turn to go. Oh, is here.

How do I keep IT? How do I make? No, no, no. He just blew IT.

They are also now they're going to get that look your face again, like I got, what are you rock? So if we take to how do I get the women approval out of the equation, you're more likely to get as that mean. You just don't give a thought, don't care whatever is not. What I poor again is not black and White.

We men want to make a black and White must be this, or must be that? No, is this? This is another level that we rise to that lets us put a det in the universe, that lets us live with purpose and passion, that let us connect deeply with others, that let us be vulnerable and courageous, that actually invites the love into our life that that we desire rather than seeking IT.

Well, ultimately, I was watching this video from a lando button from the school of life. Do you know that guy, british philosopher, phenomenal.

And you were the second person who mentioned him in the last two or three days. I always pay attention. went. So whenever I hear someone the name, like, you know, when I, whenever you heard you need to get on Chris wood ams and show, when I heard that three times in the same week, you know, I thought, way to .

make that name .

sounds familiar.

I use.

I say what you're referred to. He wrote an open article in the new york times maybe ten years ago. The title was .

why you will marry the wrong.

wrong person. I love, I love. I copied.

He's outstanding. Uh I he's on my mount rushmore or of of of guess he's very formative for me. Um one of the reasons that gonna go on a tangent about Violet ver and bottom on one of the reasons that I really love him is he's so softly spoken and he's so embodied in the new ones of being fallible of how our emotions run the show.

He's not posture. He's unbelievably smart you know very, very well worst in renison s art and history and poetry and sculpture and and and and all this stuff but there's no postering from his left brain yeah there's none of this sort of over rationality. He he accepts .

with .

complete face value the fact that we can be self contradictory and embarrassing and and all the rest of IT. But anyway, he has this line in the video that was watching recently where he talks about a person whose greatest achievement would be after their death. People would say they never made a fuss.

Oh, they didn't make a fuss. They didn't, you know, they didn't cause any ripples. They didn't make any way. And he's talking about largely a an equivalent of the nice guy, this person who's, you know, overly applied, who's concerned about upsetting others, who's doing all of this stuff.

And I just really a really sort of struck home like, oh my god, like that the that's the inheritance and the legacy which is waiting for you and ultimately you can make IT to the end of your life, having either made all of the message in the world or made zero messes at all depending on you go bad guy model d um but like your legacy as you look back on your life is going to be one of you playing a persona. You're never going to really be able to connect to any of the things that you do people, accomplishments, praise, compliments, adoration, money. Because IT wasn't you that earned that you didn't earn your money. The role that you're playing earned the money. The role that you're playing got the marriage, the role that your playing got the relationship or the job rays or or created the family or the the billion dollar company IT wasn't you wasn't .

you ask I kind of message with your head, doesn't that scary? You know, when you are describing and I can pronounce his name.

pronounce and the bottom .

is beautiful. When you are describing and i'm sitting, they're taking on a straight guy and that I sounds sexy is help the .

way you are destroy. I mean, he's got the classic philosophers build, but so he he's something else so he's something else that i've had in my mind um since looking at your work and kind of i've spent a lot of time over the last three years looking at evolutionary psychology, mating dynamics so and so forth.

We don't see, especially from women at the moment, many conversations online about nice guys, about guys being too nice, about guys being too liable, a lot of the conversation skills toward guys being too toxic, guys being too immature. But it's immature. Red IT IT tends to be in in a toxic manner.

It's sort of the use and discard, the use and abuse, the the very sort of transactional nature. What is the reason to think that there isn't as much popularity? If if, and I don't disagree, I think that a huge problem will be the liability and and dishonesty. And nicest of men is IT just less tweeple to to have that is the reason that you can't find that i've got all of these men that keep bending over backward and keep doing things is IT that is kind of publicly unpopular for women to call that out because IT seems like they're being yg grateful. But you what do you think IT is?

Well, because i'm not a woman's head. I, I, I, because i'm not on social media.

I also but I do know you're talking about, of course there are means that that that that run and I I do you know because I get a google, uh, notice every time nice guy, you know pop somewhere, I I do see where when a does pop up but usually pops up in right wing republican writing um most often but when women do right their blog articles about nice guys IT is most often how nice guys aren't nice of how they used basically the cover contracts up. Oh, i'm in this. You talk about your problems.

I'm going to pay your car payment this month. I'm pretend like I care about you. And then when they, you know, ask the woman out and wanted have sex that goes, no, never thought of you that way your friend do you know and then the guy, of course, that all that resent from this that past of the great, that the rage comes out.

And so, you know, that means does show up. But but I still ends up being talked masculinely. Here is my thought, and sounds like you've looked a lot at this, and you might even have a Better perspective than me. My thought is that I grew up during whatever the wave of the angry feminism was in the sixties and seven. One of the first wave, second wave, but you know, every man's a rape.

Is the directions a sign of aggression? And you know that already buying my mother, you know, my mother's generation, with the first, I think, true families SHE raised my, my sister did not need a man, raised her boys to be different from their father. You know, that was kind of the beginning of that movement.

and. So from that I grew up. I don't be like as bad men that women are complain about. So so kind of the toxic mass energy mean has been around for a while IT just didn't have social media and now mainstream media, mainstream.

I I can't even listen like N, P, R anymore, because this kind of IT is gone so much to like. This is run flood articles, you know, a flood stories and stuff like that. Agree, I think there had to be a pendulum swing.

You know, most of us directed at patriarchy, you know, now you just say patriarchy, and like we all understand exactly what that means, this evil, right? But patriarchy was also providing protect. You know, IT was also positives, a part of IT.

And was her an ownership mentality? Yeah to that lead colonialism and you know, abuses towards women and children. Yeah, a racism.

Yeah, so yeah, all of that. Well, you know, when we make a social change, we tend to throw the baby out of the bath water. So yeah, list was rail against this big idea of pura chy toxic mass energy. Do you know man's planning, man spreading everything that men do is bad kind of stop? I think maybe I had to go to an extreme and and I think most social gist that look at big shifts and society say when you have an impressed people um downer IT almost has to become like a revolution that has to be at the extremes IT doesn't needs .

to be a correction .

yeah it's not like a gandhi that just you know this is suddenly create the shift um so I think there has to be that over correction and and so we went to the hashtag me too where, you know men or you know you know accused tried, you're prosecuted. You know, in the media lost jobs, lost status clearly because some woman said, oh, I want to join the me too crowd, you know and yeah there was a lot of abuses that we were addressed.

Should they be address to social media? I don't know. That was, you know, all the most democratic way to do IT, but if I would have done. And then, you know, yeah, if you you know, publish something that gives a lot of likes and a lot of follows and yeah, other people are going to publish IT.

So yeah, I went the insides like to .

make that happen. Course they do. And social media is all about algorithms. Know more something shows up, the more you see of IT as why I don't what are the reasons I don't like social media um but I actually think that we're actually making an adjustment. You know I I saw articles yeah a couple years ago like an anything had to do with men's work to like that goes the balloons .

jesus Christ, you said that I did think I was gonna. Have you managed to make balloons? Come, I stop doing IT.

I I wish I yeah, I can't click, move in my hands. The thun will probably go up, maybe, maybe comforted. All right, right. okay. So even just couple years ago, I saw articles about linking the january six in right, oh, you know, in marsh and dc to anything happen to do with men's work like complain that that all came out of the men's movement.

And i'm going and this was in made is washington post and an article like that, right? So it's main three media I think actually that I think maybe we've reached that for for extreme and I think maybe starting toward all of the son that's losing his interest is IT seems to, you know oh, okay, there's another meme about toxic. There is another meme about Andrew.

There is another, you know, ba ba, ba. And people do get bored. And now maybe in this cause, i'm in the middle of men's work, is what I done three years.

And I I mean a mense program myself. I built a mense program, I believe in IT. I I really do think were moving to a Better space that is men become more cautious um of the things that I think you know I teach that are valuable.

Um you're being honest, being transparent, making your needs of priorities surrounding themselves with people on how we get their needs met, living with purpose, living with passion, you know, being generous, making the world a Better place, being open, hardly been loving, you know, quality, good qualities that I think is changing the world is shifting the dynamic women. I think we will begin to go that that's actually really attractive and sexy. That's Better. I like that and and I think we'll still be a few ones hanging onto, but I just all still stay at at men. Listen, this still in after while.

You know, one of things that really was a big shot to me, I was probably in my forties when i'm talking to, you know, and I mentioned somebody who identified as a famine as a woman, maybe on an airplay, and and I said, well, here's a feminist, I grow up and SHE said, oh, you mean that every mental rappers you, you, you like a little now I go, well, sure was so good. I was just a few angry pistol of women. They got a lot of attention.

I go, that's all IT was not all women felt that way. So no, and they still know I know that's actually good to know that maybe all that noise you know gives a lot of likes and follows. Maybe that doesn't represent that. Even the majority of .

women is a really wonderful term that I heard last year called the terri of the minority. And IT happens yeah I think that explains IT. So another way of .

putting IT is a slow as dumb sheet on the free way, going to control how fast everybody can go.

Very good. yes. Yes, we are controlled LED by the extremes in the idiots. Um it's interesting to think about why that might be the case. I I think you probably probably not far wrong but it's still so popular too fit men into the oppressive tyrant patriarch, overbearing, dominating, controlling role that if women if if a woman was to post online something which is more more honest perhaps which would be um I keep going out for men who are overly applied and because that's supplier, i'm concerned that they're not being honest with me. What does that sounds like? Well, that sounds like a call for men to be less liable, which is not far away from men, to be more aggressive.

more control. No, r guy, why would I write a to be not nice? We do.

We do live in a black and White world. And again, media, social media, loves the black and White. IT doesn't like new, subtle. Ty.

that's the dangerous, the real n word twenty twenty four is new ones. That's the real one that you shouldn't be said. All right. So getting into getting into relationships, which you're obviously, I think ground zero for a lot of this stuff, you know you can kind of hide things away from yourself when it's on your own and you're in and out of work and all the rest of IT.

If you know everybody is emotionally connected with that work and everybody is motionless connected with how organized deb source of is relationships real grounds? zero? What do nice guys not understand about how female attraction works?

Well, most of us are believing what our mothers told us. You know, if they told us anything would just be nice to grow this. What my mother said?

B, and okay, make sense. You know, be gentleman. And I am, I am a gentlemen, but a woman taught me this one.

Uh, I always open the door for women. I don't wait for me. Open your door.

Now, if you really break IT down, that may be dominant. You know, I tell them what to do. Wait for me.

I'm not open your door. And of of the several hundred women who are told to do a way for me, open your door. All in one has pushed back against IT. And SHE pushed back for a wild.

Then all of a sudden SHE quit and kind of decided to really actually light, uh, actually, what he did as he jumped my bones in a public place in a very, I I don't we need to take this somewhere else after while you've been pushing back against my dominance. So for there to be attraction, there has to be a polarity. And polarity involves dominance and submission. I know those are evil, terrible words, you know uh because we think about dominant men, you know making women be so missive .

you're you're in a safe space here.

I'm not i'm not sweating uh but yeah is IT is going out on the internet, which is fine, you know and what's happened as a polar, they just switched where the female to become dominant, dominant players, and the guy to become that, the submissive players. And then the women go, how can I can't find the guy that turns me on? And the guys are going, how can I can't seem to turn women on? Well is reverse to polarity.

You you can have polarity that's attraction without dominance and submission. And the more thought that is, the more subtle ly attraction is, the more latter is then to be, the more intensity attraction is. We're probably all experience that in one where another, I tell people, can have sex without dominance and submission.

Otherwise is two bodies line next to each other waiting for something to happen, you know, yeah, good. Yeah, yeah. You a top in bottom, you have a picture and catcher, right? There's got to be a polarity.

Now the beauty is that polarity can, you can put IT around, you know, back and forth. And I think in very conscious relationships that that happens beautifully. My life is very strong.

He grew up eight out of ten kids in poverty. In what harm? Mexico alcohol. Father got beat on by family members, beat on by neighbors. You abused by family members, abused by police.

You know, SHE he'd been through, you know, he goes to the gym two hours a day. He can not squat me SHE then my die. I don't, I don't, I don't picture up um you know, he can get shit done.

I grew up in a middle class White bread neighborhood of seat washington, surrounded by boeing engineer family. He said, 就是 yeah I I ever had a fight for anything okay， so she's tough, but he doesn't. She's always told my love.

And when you tell me now, SHE goes, I don't actually, I I don't want to be in charge. I know you don't exact me what you know, what do you wanted to SHE likes? You want to make we walk into a restaurant and, you know, here in mexico.

So he'll say, should I ask her, should I get the waiter say, shall I give him a menu in english? SHE goes, no, he lives in metrical. Given one in spanish, i'll say, yeah, I give, give my wife and kids the menu in english and then they hand her a menu SHE goes, no, he's my boss, you'll order forming and I was lapped about that.

I say, yeah, I get to be the boss when he says I can, you know, we get told those stick down but the truth is he is strong, shit, powerful. SHE can get shit done. SHE can kick off.

But SHE doesn't want to be in that mode all the time. SHE wants to to be LED. He wants to submit. SHE wants to open SHE wants to be done to an emblems ful kinds of ways.

Well, that's my job, right? So and even though i'm kind of more that i'm i'm go along to get along, I you know I H yeah this is that either ones okay, with me, i'm kind of more that way. SHE doesn't like IT one on that way.

So for her, she's happy as when I will play the default lead the default decision maker but you'd likes to the best one said, here's what I was thinking. What do you think you know? I don't just say, what do you think you know? What do you want? I say you, i'm thinking a White with a little bit tend to gray in IT.

What do you think? You know, SHE wants me to lead that identical field, the polarity intial tell me what he thinks her once. And they use, say, you decide, okay, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Pick out the paint. Um am I being abusive toward by being dominant? No, I had so many women tell me, when the guy leaves at all of IT and too compliant, the women feel burdened by that.

Most are in their masculine dominant role all day long in the world in their career. Raising children, even mothering, is a masculine dominant state to be in. You're taking care of kids needs. It's not permanent.

I don't know, want to have to take care of your partner after that.

Yeah then then when the guys is, I don't guess you wanted have sex tonight, you what do you want for and this is one more thing that they got to check out there to do this. Ah they don't want that now. And I making a generalization, yeah is IT fluid yeah is IT no once yeah is that okay? The guys always gotten be the dominant, the woman.

But no, that's not what i'm saying. But for for men, when I start talking about them, consciously setting the tone and reading and relationship, when I say that to a nice guy, the response he used, the ill ponder, and okay, not to. Glover, what I hear you say, when you say take control, I don't know.

No, you did not hear me say the word take control. I did not say that I don't believe in IT i'm dying by. You need you set the tone, you say what you want, where you want to go, where you want to eat in and give a chance to follow. Like on the dance floor, SHE can follow where you don't lead, gave that, and then be open to a discussion, be open to her taking the new 设定 的 超能 威力。 But it's not about but guys nice guys will say when you know when you said take control is more new once than that but again, so that that is my job is helping guys apply the the nuances that that word of two thousand twenty .

four what is the role of emotional attention?

Oh, you've done some research. Um yeah that's .

a kilo wink but I just flooding .

with you, I just and they provide the boys due to I I live in a very gay community so you know I know how was um okay. So the role of emotional attention that we go where we just had a motion tension going on right there. You i'm i'm going to make a generalization that doesn't apply to everybody, but IT does seem to apply to a lot.

And that the generalize statement is, is that in general, for women to experience attraction towards a man arousal and to stay attached to that man over time, he has to experience some kind of emotional tension she's gotten, feels on the buttons, flies and the that the drama that does he love me, doesn't love me. And we men can can understand that a little bit. We can't like detention.

We feel, oh feel it's nice. You like a boos, whatever you know. That creates attention for us. But in general, men don't like emotional attention, especially in relationship.

If you even think about, you know, our sporting events where we do dead attention and clocks on them now, we know is gonna end at this time. That's why baseball fAllen out of favor. That's why they put a clock on baseball.

They put they put the pitch clock last year.

Yeah, you know, problem, how many times you can throw the first? You, because all we got to have IT on o'clock, you know so, um so extension is on the clock. Oh yeah.

I I, I, I know this. You know this this adventure flick on watching in the hero. This is happening.

I know he's going to get out of IT. It's going to be done in thirty five minutes. You know, it's done.

We're done. Shoe, go home, kick back and and nothing in this, right? The feminine never gets tired attention.

The feminine, if if IT isn't feeling tension, is bored, they will create tension. And so that was hard for and understand. You know, we think being nice to women will make them be attracted to us.

But nice credits, absolutely no attention, no attention really, for anybody, men or women. But we think, well, that's what mom told me to do, be, be nice to them, as well as what I endure hio. The women were complaining about those George, who create attention for them.

And so I listened to have a complaint about the jerk. So you get going back to the jerk even after, you know, I was such a nice guy. So in general, women need that emotional attention.

Why did they created within themselves? Um and and we guys, if we have any kind of attention between us, we just have IT out, maybe punch each other and there will be done. But we have a bear is all good, you know, uh, we don't need to keep going back into that attention state to have a bond of a connection.

Well, we will go do something together. We may go compete. We may go bring our a game and leave at all on the field, then we walk off ARM in or, you know, so it's is the the different twin that mand feine.

So the hardest part for men understand is that the women need that attention. So even when I say, wait for me, all open your door. And now I created a bit dominance and SHE waits for me. That tension is just a little bit a little subtle, you know, even like, you know, say, hey, put the mini day hold order for us tonight. There's tension.

And then not being nice is actually creating some what is he going to order for? Is he going to pick something? And I like, do I trust him? Is he going to be an adventure? You know, I tell guys know guys will think is game playing kind can look like that.

But the real thing is actually just is how do we get more conscious? So tell a guy example, you know, a woman sends you a message, text message or calls you, and if you reply right away or you pick up the phone and answer, how much tension will the woman experience through that? Well, well, now we've related IT. Soon as we answer the phone, attention went away.

But what if you didn't answer IT? What if you call her back in thirty seconds or five seconds an hour? And SHE goes, where were you? Why didn't you answer? And what if you didn't give her an answer to that and she's going, why didn't the answer? What was he doing? Now, here's a thing, because those guys, ten, if we do have emotional attention, we would like what I call positive emotional attention.

You know, IT IT IT feels good to us. Where you're had for the for women, they don't care is IT positive emotion tion net or t they don't care emotional tension and emotional attention. And so, you know, that means, you know them starting a fight, you know them doing something, knows they knows a pieces of it's kind of like they don't care.

They got our attention and and that's all the matter. They got our attention and their attention. And even the thing guys is like listings to women talk about the problems I tell guys 就是说 inverse negative relationship between the amount of time a man spends， listened to woman talk about our problems.

And the likelihood is gonna late. What you mean? That means that if you certainly sten to talk about your problems, you actually relieve gall of attention, tension, flog completely out of SHE, talk to talk to talk, all, all the tension came away.

And what I tell guys is in you end up like, uh, her girlfriend with a penis. And odds are SHE doesn't want to have sex with her girlfriend. So anything we do to relieve their attention actually works against us and robs them come like we talk about earlier. Are we going na rab them of the joy of doing for us? Or are we going na rob them of the emotional tension that they have to have to feel, to feel something to to want to engage?

You had this fantastic example of how emotional attention is enjoyed differently by men and women, by the story ocs of romantic comedies and how many women? Uh, experience experience that. Can you explain that what you mean?

Like, you know you you you take your woman to watch the antic and SHE titanic. You know, she's already seen at eight times and SHE walks away with her panties wet. And at that and guy, the guy is, watch chicken.

His phone is on you. How do I get here? I I thought .

what what was particular interesting was you explaining IT really sort of hit home to me that, uh if you're a man who is watching a romantic comedy, you see um regulation at the beginning, everything is is fine. Then you see this regulation, something happens and everything goes up in the air. Then you see regulation again or not, like middle movie regulation, whether the couple of first starts to get together. And you're like, what I mean.

that's IT like.

we got home. The movie is done. Yes, done. Whether what the woman then once is this protracted, oh, but the x girlfriends back in the picture. But oh my god, he hasn't got his right VISA and he's going to and how are they going to to keep the relationship going. And it's just protracted and protracted and protracted and protracted. And then I I don't know what it's like to be a woman at the end of a wrong come, but I may be unsatisfying for that to be a conclusion. It's like, could we just let's roll in another three hours that just continue to extend this end?

Maybe what where bollywood figure that out this just do the wedding scene, everybody's dancing to a real upbeat song we know is over. But now do apart too of IT. You know, women i've been in relationship with learned, don't take me to a romantic comedy I am sitting there going, is so lucky, unreal, that going happen in the real world.

How come every guy has a job he doesn't actually have to go to? How come every woman of fashion editor in every one of these, yeah, I know he loves dogs who lives in this new york lock and makes canoes. That's how he supports himself. Come on. That's not real. yes.

Yeah, you don't want to go to romantic comedy with me because i'd live in the world of, could that really be real? Could that really happen? Do people really do that? Uh, no, you know, that's not how the real world work, but IT creates emotional tension.

And so that's really what this is all about, is not about reality. The masculine wants to go resolve all the emotional tension to get us back, hinder reality. So yeah, I is really hard for me to watch your romantic command. Is twitter like them? Ms, and just not not say anything I crediting .

so thinking about this dynamic that we have this emotional attention, this amount of of dominance and and direction um and suggestion that comes from the man. Um there will be women listening and out there who they're writing .

a blog article about us right now.

Fine, it's fine added to the list, but there will be women listening who may be a little conflicted or there will be men who imagine that the woman might be conflicted because you say, well, SHE wants SHE comes home. She's had a difficile day at work because Kelly, that bitch in the cubicle next door, is done that thing again, the pieces are off and the woman wants to be able to vent. SHE also wants her man to listen to her.

And it's this odd duality of not knowing what's best for us and of the things that we want, not always being in our best interest. And you quoted the best onion article, which is woman turns man into a partner. SHE doesn't want to be .

with the article. The headline alone is, is enough, right, you know? And and again, this is, this is the dance of relationship.

Wouldn't IT be great if, you know, we say, guys, just start this way. Every woman is going to like IT. No, and he doesn't work that way.

And but what what you said, what was really true is that, yeah, the example. No, the woman in your life been in her masculine, all they do at work putting up with assoil managers, asso customers, assoil client, asso core workers. And now you know SHE comes home. This is one more as hole house putting the man's on so for example, um the woman that follow in my clothes that I mentioned get a matter at the mall as he saw misuse and went after we started dating. Um one of the things that we really collect SHE like baseball I like baseball IT .

takes a ranger is fun. I could have been part of a three .

MIT would have been great we go, you flooding again but but you you lost to me as soon as you said texas rangers, you know but I those of us with .

the world series champions yeah ah you you're .

the way you're the homer yeah we we want the world series. Let me see the same man in the ring and so um SHE liked baseball. So you know, SHE bit off for four five o'clock in the afternoon.

I already have a bar stall take out at the ruth Chris, that was right next. You know where he were. Couple baseball games are already on the string at the bar.

They have this great half Price hamburger during happy hour SHE come in and he would just start, you know, I already have the wine order sitting there. The appetizers come. And she's like this about day, like she's been in her mask all day.

I would take out my, falk said, in five minutes and say, you have my undivided attention for five minutes. Put the phone on the bar. I would give her I contact, I would face or I would listen undivided attention.

SHE would run out of steam before five minutes was up because she's gone on. I said her complain, but there's a baseball game on. There's a glass of wine sitting here. What do I prefer before? And if I didn't put her on the clocked five minutes, IT was a game.

Is me being dominant? But in lovey playwood, if I didn't parole clock, SHE might be crabber on that long and SHE would not enjoy herself because one of things I found is IT up for somebody who identifies feminine to being a must land all day are often not good at getting themselves out of that masks. Now I got to go home and White dishes and get the laundry dunk those things we ve got to do.

But I gotta to go to work tomorrow. Sit down. Have a glasses of why. Tell me about your day.

Let me rubb your feet i'm a big fan of of, in a sense, leading her back into her feminine, out of that master and rigid, get shit done kind of state of mind and all the son SHE begins opening and sh'll tell me your attention. I might even say I want to talk me this. I'll say, you know what I wanted hear about your day, but give me the guy version.

You know, I never had a woman asked me, what does that mean? I'll say, you, you, you want me to be your guy, right? Yeah, yeah, right.

Then I need the guy version when you tell me about the day about how Kelly in the cubicle next know and I why SHE does that? Because he just insecure. She's always wanting attention and he always takes IT down to me.

And I, dear, I love you. Give me a guy version. Kelly pissed me off today.

great. Now I understand why you had bad day. So, you know, get playful with that. Get playful with that is definitely one of the .

common threads that i'm noticing through a lot of the dynamics, is a degree of playfulness .

and is my nature. So IT is what I bring in. You know.

it's helping. Helping is helping to relieve the tension, relief, attention, helping to relieve the seriousness of everything that IT. IT gives more play.

IT gives, like in the engineering term, IT gives more room within the system for things to breed. You make a suggestion, but it's not it's not done to rigid a fashion. This movement in there and it's done. It's evident the reason that you're doing IT and it's not in a mocking way. It's not in a passive aggressive way. It's not in a condescending, a patronising way, but the reason that this I think works is IT shows hey, luck like we're here to enjoy our time together way you're here to to enjoy this and whether it's someone's had something good happens, someone's had something bad happened, someone's sad, someone's mad, someone's whatever the appropriate amount of playfulness, I can struggle to think of really many situations in which IT doesn't make IT Better.

Yeah, I that doesn't mean getting silly and everything is joke. Look, and guys were kind of like, oh, you mean make a joke about IT and go and again teaching men to to be like hearted but that that that can be a pretty daunting task yeah now what's funny though, you get men with men and and let them just kind of begin to let her hair down. Guys get silly with each other and you know and but we're I think we afraid of showing that to women. Oh yeah, I want, I want to appear manly. I won't be this .

a degree of a degree of competent, I think, uh, I certainly notice this you know who Charles hop is from chism on command. He's got a very big charisma channel on youtube IT really, really great guy. E very ebola ed tone of sales work, tone of men's work um and he uh helps mostly men but also women are become more charismatic so he he is land the principles of of confidence in Christmas.

And one of the best tools that he teachers is when people ask a question, the best answer isn't always the right one. And you know he used this example of um how to overcome your discomfort around trying to be funny and he says, if you walk out of the house and you're with people, you walk out of a bar or whatever and the weather is one extreme of by the hot cold. Make a joke about being the opposite yeah and like it's the chest joke IT is the worst is a pure dad joke but he said it'll get a chuckle out of people.

If you walk outside, it's freezing heart you got did wish I brought some shorts today. This is great like people have a little bit of a chocolate. But I really, really showed me and I have a friend, George.

He's been on the show a lot. He a lot of the time, if you're playing can't like, again, a tannis. So you're playing a game of tennis, which involves a linea conversation.

Here is a question. There is an answer. Here is a question.

There is an answer. Here's another answer. Here's another question. And he played this back in fourth. He regularly hits the ball sideways. So he'll call back to a thing that happened a couple of weeks ago. Or he'll say, oh, you know, I bet that such as such, a famous person from the media would have I whatever.

like he'll ripped the .

conversation out like a flog anally from where IT is. And there's play in that he is not answering the question because he he has the comfort in himself to not need to get validation by being I am the person that always knows the answer, I am the person that is always able to give the the correct conclusion that draws the line, that puts the full stop and dot the eyes and cross the ties.

I don't need to be that person and it's such a breath fresh because you are having this conversation and and you like i'm excited like I don't know what's going to and I find engine is not in you as well, but there's definitely like good boy energy and nice sky energy. And I will answer the question properly. I will ensure that this somebody has asked something of me. And to deliver IT, I shall. And that removed the .

playfulness. Yeah, you know, when I work with guys around this, again, I when I learned a date in my forties and fifties, I I was never good with women and I got one.

I kept them way too long and I started getting successful, you know, with dating and getting laid and guys, that Robert teachers, i'm not a dating room, but that what you're talking about is that again, for most of them I work with, they get so afraid i'm going to do something wrong. I want to make a mistake. I want to pieter off blow IT and then it's irreparable.

And i'd say, you know, just touch her, don't you know if if you have the import to touch your touch her, you have the import to teach teacher, you have them both to tell her come out to do this. Don't hold back. It's crazy.

That sounds, I tell guys blurt and act on impulse. You you think that's a recipe for disaster, but the truth is IT lets them be themselves because they are automated. Self comes out and you had so many experiences, you know, I want to reject, I just boarded, acted on impulse.

yeah. I remember one woman I dated on the second day where we're going to go for a walk and she's said, let me go use a restaurant, uh, a restaurant SHE went, the restaurant came back and I, so I ago use the restaurant. I said, by the way, enjoys watching you walk away from me. As soon as I said that as the offer, I probably blow IT you know, after we broke up we say friends and should months later said you member, when you said that to me so yeah I thought I blew IT he shows, oh no as I loved IT well I I just bored IT right I didn't hold IT back and remember another another woman or early first day we're walking and he said something about her, her sister, sister in law there there having a shoe party. You know, when women get together in, look at shoes like .

the latest thing and I think of a shop latest body in history.

And so I lud without thinking, oh, you shop in his weapons porn. SHE turned and looked at meals and he goes, you get IT you want, you know? And and and so guys will say, well, i'm not funny and i'm not, i'm not, you know, I can't i'm not about telling jokes.

I'm talking about whatever that thing that came to the tipper of your brain but you held him back because you're RAID that might be the wrong thing to say, the wrong thing to do. As soon as you held IT back, you killed the tension. You're putting that out there.

And sometimes you crash and burn, you know, there's a sweat flops. You got all man that didn't get one laugh, you know, but you gotto take that risk. Every comedian, you know, I had plenty of bombs, but man, that one landed and and its not about trying to get right is about taking the sensor resolve and letting that you that maybe just speaks to the obvious out there. And people people relate order they .

want IT seems a lot like one of the key tactics for rebilitate, a nice guys learning to kind of get out of your own way .

as a good way to put IT. Because what we've been doing is, again, go away back to where we began this. They've been trying to manage your shame.

I'm i'm bad. I'm not good enough up and maybe found out i'm going to die. They're anxiety. Oh no somebody react negatively. There will be pain involved and so that is what's driving the buses or shame in their anxiety.

And so who is really in there? You know who is the person? Um one of the things that comments I get from people that they work with me, or you know who come to my workshop for seminaries, do calls with me those I Robert, I appreciate how authentic you are and I go nobody would have accused me of that thirty years ago.

Nobody would have said, Robert, I love how real you are, how authentic you are, how you just share yourself, how you share your mistakes. You fuck cuts. I didn't and and I couldn't tract a woman to save my life.

You know, back back in those days, I I can't go IT, but I I didn't know that what I was, what I did, that my attracted a woman. But I wasn't real. I wasn't authentic. I was holding my finger up, checking the way, you know what's what's going to give me the most laughs.

So was going to give me, you know, kind of go over well, but not too well that you know, now i'm not on the spot that I ve got to follow through and manages take the sensors off and just blur, act on impulse. B, U, I think is such a powerful rehabilitation. And since most nice guys, their sensors are the most prominent with women as a great place to go practice.

One of my, that the same friend I was talking about before, instead orthogonal tennis game, George, he has this idea called, only the irrational behavior survives what he's talking about. What he's talking about is the imagine um being at the funeral of somebody that he knows and he thinks about the conversations that the people are having around the room and they are not having the conversation.

The washing was always folded and he turned up on time and all the rest of IT, he uses this example of his mum. He says his mom hates fighting, just really does, does not like physical fighting. Big, big problem.

And once his brother was in the car, Younger brother was in the car with her. They were driving somewhere. And SHE, I don't know, fifty year old woman, Normal british woman, saw two eighteen year old boys, so of squaring up to each other and pushing and and trying to fight whatever.

On the side of the, on the pavement, SHE stops the car in the middle, traffic gets out and runs over. And the brothers is like, mom, what the fucker you doing? Like, what do two guys twice your size? And the SHE runs over and he gets in between them, physically gets him between them.

Like, no fighting, no fighting. Gets back in the car. And the brother's like, mom, that was insane.

You could have been hurt. You could be, I don't care, I don't care. Just don't like fighting. No one's fighting. And he said at her funeral, people will say he was the sort of person that would stop the car in middle traffic to stop two boys fighting. And it's like that only the irrational behavior survives.

Is is similar to what you're talking about, that there are rough edges to our personality in our behavior, but ultimately that is our personality and behavior. Like if your goal, your goal should not be as a person on this planet to smooth out any of the things that make you anything into this sort of vanilla a morphs blob that kind of like just glides through. It's like, no, you have things that you want to say and actions that you want to take and changes that you want to make and just the faith to be able to do that. An incumbent is that what life is?

Yeah IT IT takes support. IT takes practice. Um yeah yeah I thought in no more, mister nice guy. But nice guy is being tough on man. No stick. You know, not that our only thing is stick to me, but we do connect, as you said, around our refugees. You know, what we remember about people might not even be always, if that IT IT might even bug this or got on our nerves when they did IT more around them. But IT is also the thing we miss.

I mean, you know, but none of the pit bulls back at my my door again and i've had french glass doors so I can see her outside my office yeah, when he barked during, you know, i'm on an interview of podcast IT really bugged me but you know if I didn't have her and I notice. Oh, I mr. Bark, you I love when you would go crazy.

Let me know that somebody was out front our our handy man, the the water guys deliver what they called my dog's name because they know show bark differently when she's had her name called and and I would miss that if if I ever was, I go, what's wrong with doa and SHE doesn't bark people outside anymore. Refresh is more, you know, all that smooth. Get IT right now. Yeah, it's boring.

Why is your first sexual experience so important?

You, you, you got .

my mind.

They come .

on even that's too far for me. yeah. First, sexual experience.

Why is IT very formative? Okay, you know. That that is a good question, is also difficult want to answer because our our first sexual experience is probably conception.

You know, I say bird, we're born sexual. Well, the the essence of who we are is sexuality. Every living thing is built to reproduce after its own.

So our sexuality is the essence of who we are, what we kind of live culturally thinking. Well, you know, children don't become sexual until you know that particular age, whatever that might be. But the truth is, you know, little boys, little girls discover their body parts that are very agent.

There's pleasure before you. You know, they understand the words of parents to stop doing that. You know, they're finding the pleasure in in, in their own body parts. And the essence of our psyche is, is, is, is sexually.

You know, if if so many great teachers in all the way from, from prayed to David data to ocean, to David smart people, at least I value talk about the the most profound way into who we are Young is to our sexuality, because IT is the essence of who we are. So to bring that back to answering your question, I will often ask people like an workshop. You know, again, i'm a primarily worked with men these days. Well, one hundred percent work with men these days.

I asm, what was your early as sexual memory? And IT doesn't matter what IT was first time in direction for kiss, for wet dream first also you mind you show me your first whatever ah and and I can bury you, but I just say, what is your first number and then automatic declar your mind, what was IT? And then I asked them, did they occur in the open? Could you go tell you folks about IT? Could you be celebrated? Did your parents say that's amazing? Little let's go get pizza.

That's the little stone um or was a hidden, was a secretive, was a guillory den, was a shame based, uh even worse that I feel good but you felt bad about IT feeling good, right? So for about ninety nine point nine percent of the people on the planet are early as sexual experience was wrapped in shame and in hidden darkness killed on bad. I can't nobody find out.

So our sexuality gets cross wired with those features. Is bad, is evil. I did repressed IT don't lit IT out. And then that takes, you know, is many different forums, is there are people in terms of how that manifests from from there. So then we get to be adolescence and adults and can't figure out why sex is so messy, so difficult, so chAllenging. So, you know, and work, how is not easy?

Yeah, people who think that they have A A low sex drive might actually just be psychologically scored from the way that they perceived IT.

That's very possible. I i've often said, you know, a all get personal I didn't discover, I didn't know I could actually master bake myself to edit lation. I was a freshman in college as pretty late compared to to most and and you know it's kind of late bloomer in a lot of ways around sexuality and always as well that just me but yeah is very likely be growing up in a fundamental prison church where I heard message is really early that if you lost after woman's breath, you go all you could help for all eternity you were, you know, my mom taught me to be not be like my dad or, you know, I listen to the woman that he's a jerk. He only wants one thing, you know yeah, there might have been some scoring that went into the, you know and trying to work you know, it's Better to not have a sex drive oh, my penis betrayed me again by getting a what stop doing that you know.

you know, i'm trying to work from a first sexy experience perspective, my first that the first time I had sexed the goal who I worked with at the local hotel, there was the room service. Boy.

do you .

know what fucking what was IT? If A V W. Lupo is, it's opa looper. It's like the side. It's smaller than a feet five hundred. And IT was three door and IT was in a, like an an industrial estate halfway between .

you have section .

a lup I had。 If you think that having sex for the first time is difficult, having sex for the first time in a car that's like half the size of a jumper just turns the turns the divulge level up to eleven. Um but yeah I maybe maybe that's I don't know what that means.

We were next to a like a Mercedes benz mechanics maybe that's why I love f one so much. I'm not sure I keep get an interaction whenever I see lose out. I'm not sure, uh.

we could really spend my, my, my person attempt was in A A chevy vega, you know, probably slightly bigger, slightly bigger. The next time I tried that, he was on a park school bus.

I got smart, right? Yeah, very nice. Very good. I in the school bus but um yeah it's it's is very interesting to think about how we sort of eternal ze these stories and I had a you know who doctor paul hunt is that was stanford.

I've heard that name that is but I ever the name so he did .

a four part series with Andrew human last year. I heard that name too. Yes, yes.

everybody says that name all the time is fantastic.

The fantastic tic and pole is evidence based unconscious work, trauma and and and such from a very medical time point. And he was talking to me, he gave me this really lovely frame, very interesting about how formative experiences in our past can reshape the way that we see the entirety of that world. But importantly, they reshape a memory of what I was like before that as well.

So for us to say something like, uh, I get in a car accident when i'm twenty five, and then you get travel and anxiety, which causes you to not enjoy driving or to feel elanco ous when you are driving. And then at thirty five you tell yourself i've never liked driving. You would like, no, until the age of twenty five you loved IT you not remember you did that think it's like, no, no, no, no. I was anxious the whole time. And this disability that like the falaba in the malliver ly of our own memory and sense of self and our understanding ourselves, the fact that sufficiently formative experiences can like manipulate those and mold them in a different way, I just thought, was, so it's fascinating, but kind of brutal as well.

Well, and maybe this is the same, another way of explaining the same thing. Every time we recall a memory, we fundamental change the memory because every time we recall IT, we're now in a different emotional state, a different position, different surroundings.

We accurate memory does not exist, right? Even even as we think we remembered in our early as sexual experience, you know, there was actually a camera they're filming IT we might find out is completely, totally different surrounding wise. And we thought so every time we recall a memory, we're altering IT.

So our members keep changing over a lifetime so um but but what happens at that trauma were talking about what I call cross wiring that's happening in emotional level. And so IT doesn't matter even if our memory is accurate in terms of a digital way accurate, what what matters is emotionally how we move forward with IT. And so now if you we've been a sexual creatures since birth, and all of a sudden something happens at sex is hidden, well, i'd Better keep a hidden from from here on out. And we don't make that as a conscious decision. This is an emotional roadmap that we .

start follow very, very interest. okay? So we identify this and people .

are sitting listening to unite, talking very openly about sexual experiences in their going you're not supposed to do that. You're not propose to talk openly about those things that they're not going on their emotional wiring of how you're supposed to you know beer about sex yeah well.

like the vw looper opens all sorts of doors.

Three of my ji, precisely.

right? And then I can come out the back honestly. Ted, I, I and I remember how not far the passenger seat went back as well. I thought this is got to do .

in the past sek, because with the sterling wheel, but you guys have the stern wall on the wrong side of the car.

Speak your self. Look, we gone through this littery of problems, right? There's big, big, big, big list. And we don't have enough time to prescribe the panache of all of the nice guys listening. Given the fact that you don so many seven coaching sessions working with people. What have you found if you we were to give the biggest movies of rehabilitation for nice guys? I don't .

think I never use that exact word.

What what are the a the practice is what are the places that they should focus on in order to start to embody themselves more honestly?

Okay, yeah, be their authentic self. exactly. I'll just like you through what I did.

Number one, I tell people, find safe. People don't try to do this on your own. You didn't become a nice guy.

Social isolation, don't try to get over IT in social isolation. We have to say, to say people to start releasing our shame, to tell people i've got this story about myself. When people go, it's not bad.

It's not terrible at all, you know, as Normal what you're described. So we need safe people to support us, release our shame, perhaps mentor's encouragements. Help us face our fears.

So I tell nice guys, go find a coach therapies men's group. I love men's groups in a big chunk k of my own personal rehabilitation in in mense groups. I was leading five men's groups a week when I was in private practice of seattle.

Um I did. I'm a believer. So fine. Men's group don't try to do this alone.

How do you so just to intact CT that, how do you know if it's a good men's group or bad men's .

group that that's a good question. And IT is somewhat subjective because something a group you love might not work promise. um. When I started looking for something about all that existed at that time was the um the Robert bly mythical poetic go out the woods.

Peter DRAM have the talk in stake and say hope I did that I ended up in a twal step program is where I started but not was a by choice of just where I landed um I I got lucky. I landed, as in a man's group, play by a woman or sexual shame who liked men and so that was good for me. I tried his mother men's group sit.

I just never connected or resonated with a core peace. I would recommend what you're looking for, a coach, a thera immense group, is find somebody who leads IT who's actually done their own work. You need an embodiment quite a bit, somebody who's actually gonna work on their own stuff.

You know, I I became, uh, a therapy. I I got my P. H. D. Emerging family there be at twenty nine years old. T started a few years later, started doing, you know, trying to do real therapy. I never been a therapy. And you know, if I wasn't til I got in the therapy and men's groups and started working on my own toxic shame of my own anxieties and my own patterns that I could actually really help you so you know um IT doesn't hurt to check out, you know ask the person what's your journey?

You know where if you worked on yourself and then just see, do you connect with them as you a good place to you connect? So go find a coach therapy script project group, something where you get to go, start revealing you releasing total shape, start being honest, nice guys, think they're honest or anything but honest. I remember pretty early in my process, I realized almost everything I told my then wife was whatever won't rock the boat.

So I told her i'm my work. And being honest, whenever ever I catch myself making up a story to tell you, i'm going to come tell you, I was gona lie to you, here's a lie. I was going to tell you, here's the whole truth.

So I started doing that. And actually I used to told her middle me out to be overreact concepts, what he did in every the funny thing was what I actually just start telling the truth about. SHE actually go, okay, thank you telling me that I didn't lie to me.

And, you know, wow, that's different. You know, when I was trying to get a night to overreact, SHE did. When I just told her the truth, yeah, okay, don't like me.

I was IT. So work on being honest. And here we need safe people usually to do that.

Uh, work on making your needs a priority. Started asking yourself, what I want was important to me. You know, I M, I do, I do.

I need to go the gym? Do I need to go the dentist? Uh, do I need to take some time to relax? Uh, do I need to rest my eyes? Do I need to go really a good book, do I? How do I get my knees met and how do I let people help me get my needs met? And how do I still around myself with people who want to help me get my needs made?

H start working on boundaries as as a big one for nice guys is, well nobody grows into adult who knows how to set boundaries because nobody teaches children how to set boundaries um because in in the real world the big people need to do what everyone wanted, a little people. And because we were all little people, we never learned you could say, no, stop that. I'm going to remove myself now.

So learned about boundaries. I was in my theorists in my second marriage with A P H D before. I never even heard of boundaries, a therapies.

I went to talk me about them. Ah so start working on boundaries. And then I just I think the one of the pieces are throughout there. And I think just so fundamental persue for guys, for nice guys, go connect with men, go build a tribe of men.

I've had to do that a few times in my life, but seven years ago, when I got marry Daniel, mexico, not yet fluent spanish, my wife always speak spanish. And i'm living at here, working at home. I I had no guys in my life, and I was seeking in bounded ent program and joined IT.

yeah. Now if you look at my text messaging, my calendar, my email, i'm on zoom, i'm messaging with buddies, all the frequent type and IT just IT makes everything about my world Better. I'm i'm more on point with with my work, my relationship improve on a Better health.

I'm happier. So build a connection with me. So 那个 就是 什么 five things。 Pretty good start.

Doctor Robert lover, ladies gentlemen, Robert, I adore your work. I think it's very much ginned. It's so fascinating that it's been around for quite a while, you know.

And yet this single thread of guys being overly liable of resenting, despite the fact that playing the game correctly, they think that are doing all the rest of IT is a is so fascinating. And I i've today's been phenomenal. Where should people go? They want to keep up today with your work. Got throw the internet.

Yeah, doctor glover dot com, you know, a good place to start out the process of rebuilding IT. But you will find good stuff. Uh, integration, nation dot net, my human's program.

Uh, my co author said, be sure to mention the big stick. This, uh, go find a big stick. Tony endowment is a certified coach.

I, I, I ask them a few years ago, tony, what you think about digin into everything i've ever created and trying to put in one book egos. Yeah, i'm up for that. go.

okay. And he did did a beautiful job. So dr. Glover, 点 com integration ation dog net， big stick .

holier robot I appreciate you.

Thank you very much. Is a blast. Thank you so much.