Best of Hope Ep. 4 - Hoping to Parent with Intention & Having Hard Conversations
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What's good? It's Colleen Witt and Eating While Broke is back for season three. Brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. We're serving up some real stories and life lessons from people like Van Lathan, DC Youngfly, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, and many more.

They're sharing the dishes that got them through their struggles and the wisdom they gained along the way. We're cooking up something special, so tune in every Thursday. Listen to Eating While Broke on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by State Farm. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Yo, it's Big Bank. Check out my podcast, Prospective with Bank, on the Black Effect Podcast Network. Each and every Monday, Prospective with Bank podcasts will feature individuals, all walks of life, who come together to share their unique perspective and engage in enlightened conversation. This podcast will explore all type of conversations from everyday people, your favorite celebrities. Every Monday, listen to Prospective with Bank on Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple

Can we get a little practical this week? Because who else wants to know if they're parenting right or if some things are better left unsaid? Don't all raise your hands at once, but these were the questions I would grapple with before licensed therapist Nedra Tawwab gathered me right on together.

As a mom, it is my greatest hope to serve my children with integrity and intentionality, even if it requires me sitting in the tension. For those of us who are hoping to parent with intention, I like the way you said that, that

when we have these moments where like our generational parenting ancestors rise up and say snatch that child and we instead say no we're going to let them be free and communicate do you think it's better to err on the side of openness than it is to shut them down with that goal in mind of them being able to advocate for themselves in the future absolutely i think you know i've

the first half of my career, I work with kids and teenagers. And the things that they talk about is probably a lot of stuff that we thought about as teenagers, their friends, tattoos, dating, you know, that stuff. And it's really harmless, but they need to be able to express it. And what I noticed that parents would do, you can't date nobody, you can't get no tattoo, or you can do a lot of

conversations about something without having to say no because once you talk to them about some things it's just a conversation it's not necessarily a goal it's well what would you want one of where would you want it now what kind of job do you want oh have you ever seen somebody you know just asking them questions not saying you can't do it but people can talk themselves out of things kids

and teenagers are very reasonable and thoughtful human beings. And if we allow them the space to have conversations and opinions, you'll be surprised of the good decisions that they can make.

Okay, that's so strong. I recently moved back to Dallas. I was living in LA with my husband for eight years. And Dallas is the city where I was raised. It's where my dad built his ministry. And I got pregnant here. All of these things exist here. And so being back here has been me kind of like understanding from a more holistic perspective, some of the trauma and stress

silencing that was required in order for us to like

present this picture. And I think that I am learning that that silencing really has been something that I'm like learning to undo in my own relationships, and really using my language to show up. So I am applying it to like my 13 year old daughter, and inviting her to have a dialogue with me. She told me the other day, she's like, Mom, I think I'm gonna wait at least until I'm 16 to do things. And I was like, Well, wait a minute, let's talk

about that. Like what happens at 16? But the fact that she was even open to having that conversation with me, sometimes I wonder like, am I doing this right? Am I doing it wrong? But I do love what you're saying about being able to have that conversation. So they are exercising their own mind is something that I really hope to continue to inspire in them. I want to ask you a question though, because you're talking about annoyance and how that's perfectly human, perfectly normal for us to experience that emotion.

What is the line between I am annoyed and I am constantly being angered, constantly being...

intentionally picked at because I think when we take it out of the concept of like mother and child and something that we know is pretty common in raising children and then move it into adult relationships with siblings or parents, even romantic relationships. And this is beyond annoyed. This feels like an intentional, intentional,

desire to see me act out of character or to make me feel insecure. How do we know when we've moved past annoyance into something that has some abuse or I don't want to use violence because that may be too strong of a word, but like this is bigger than being annoyed. I feel like someone's intentionally inflicting pain on me. Hmm.

You know, I think with emotional abuse, often there are these underlying things that we don't recognize, like the backhanded compliment or not even receiving compliments, not being appreciated sometimes, especially when someone is able to show appreciation for others who are doing the same thing as you.

There is this dismissing of how you feel, a dismissing of what you think that certainly can weigh on your spirit. And in those situations, you know, we started with how do you have hard conversations with

I think when a person does something, that's when we, you know, go standard is that's when we say something about it. That's when we say, wow, you just dismissed me and I was saying something that was important to me and you cut me off or you told me I should think this way about it. If you can't do it right away, I would say when you find yourself like thinking, thinking, thinking about how offended you are about what someone did,

the way to stop being offended is to talk about it. So it could be 24 hours, one week, two days, whatever timeframe, work up your courage and just let them know how you feel. You know, I've certainly had situations where I felt like, oh, that felt like a dig. And I might've, you know, just sat with it and maybe talked to two people about it. And they was like, girl, it's a dig. And so, you know,

I've called people and say, "Hey, I saw you yesterday and you said this thing." And to me, it felt like a dig. And I just want you to know that I don't like it when you say that sort of stuff to me. Now, sometimes people get defensive, but what tends to happen is they don't do that exact thing anymore because now they know I see you.

How do you think that there's a certain level of fear of rejection that you have to no longer possess in order to have those conversations? Because I can hear people in my head, but like, but then they're going to be acting funny or then we're not going to be able to go to lunch anymore. So it's better that I say nothing at all. You know, I am a sensitive sleeper.

I don't know about you, but if anything happens, I cannot sleep. If you get on my nerves for too long during the day, I'm waking up at night. So the way I love my sleep, it's just I have to have peace of mind.

And a part of that is, you know, we don't think about the impact of not having those hard conversations, the impact to our self-esteem, the impact on our sleep, the impact on our appetite sometimes, the anxiety we experience when we have future interactions with that person. There's a lot of things that happen when we don't speak up that we kind of gloss over because we don't want to miss lunch.

So so I understand that this person is going to behave this certain way. And and I get that that's really tough to allow them to have that reaction because some people aren't mature enough to hear anything negative about themselves. They can't believe, you know, a lot of defensiveness is like, I am not a bad person.

I am not a bad person. You're not about to tell me that I said something mean to you. And it's like, well, you did in fact say something mean to me. That's exactly what I'm saying. And you're still a really good person and you make great pie, but you also say mean stuff sometimes and you did it yesterday. So, you know, I think we can't not say things because of how they'll respond. What typically happens in relationships is people cool down.

And we have to maybe we have to call somebody else to go to lunch with on that particular day. We will have to miss lunch with them because we know how they'll respond or we'll have to endure the silent treatment for two days or whatever it is. But what they're doing in their behavior towards you is really manipulating you to not say anything to them.

You know, people are teaching you not to say anything to them with those sort of behaviors. Like you cannot tell me about how I treat you because if you do, this is what I'm going to do to you. So guess what? If it works, you will never be able to say anything to them. So you have to decide, do I want to be in a relationship with someone I can't talk to? Or will I, you know, advocate for myself and say, Hey, look, I understand you have your process, but I will still say this.

Okay, so I should have known that this was probably gonna be like somewhat of a therapy session because that's what you do to us all day any day. So, you know, I'm gonna go ahead and throw myself on the altar, you know, because I'm definitely one of those people. I feel like I've grown a lot, but I do feel like I'm one of those people used to be one of those people.

who struggle with like anytime someone says something bad about me, now I think you're saying I'm a bad person. I don't know that I would necessarily verbalize that to them, but I think I would internalize any level of criticism as you telling me like I'm not a good person or I have failed. I think it's rooted in a lot of like childhood things. And so I think how do we become the type of people who can separate

from this idea of being perfect or like acting in a way that never offends or not being accountable for the moments where we did say something mean or we did say something immature and hear that feedback without responding. Well, I don't know if we can respond without being defensive,

Like, how do we open up in such a way? We talk about having tough conversations, like we're the ones communicating with someone else. But how do we receive tough criticism, tough feedback about ourselves without it damaging our self-esteem or making us feel like, well, I just quit altogether? Mm-hmm.

You know, you have to put yourself in more uncomfortable positions. You have to allow yourself to make mistakes. You have to try new things that you're not good at. You have to open yourself up to receive feedback. You know, there are a few times a year where I'll text a few friends and say, girl, what do I need to work on? Yeah.

Like, what am I missing? I just can't imagine it. But okay, I'm gonna do better. I do my homework, so I'm gonna do whatever you tell me to do. But that just feels like, keep it to yourself. Yeah, you know, I asked a friend that recently, and she said, you know, I think you leave relationships, but I've seen you stay for too long. I said, ooh. Wow.

Because I guess she, you know, she's hearing for years of complaining. She's probably like, girl, it's been eight years. You won't dump that friend yet. So, you know, I think sometimes, you know, adults, we don't necessarily put ourselves in uncomfortable situations. We feel really great doing the things we're good at.

And the opportunity to try something new is like the scariest thing ever. You know, like to try skiing if you've never been, to try a new recipe. We are creatures of habit because we're good at stuff. And so there is some benefit to learning something new and not being good at it.

First of all, Nedra, she's giving very much so homegirl and we love to see it. All right. So what are we hoping for after that discussion with Nedra? To have the hard conversations, to ask more questions, to use our language and to stop being easily offended.

Those, my friends, are some practical tools to walk away with. You can thank me later. Make sure you purchase the new book, All Hope Is Found, Rediscovering the Joy of Expectation today and continue to receive more inspiration and practical tools for your hope journey.

And many more.

They're sharing the dishes that got them through their struggles and the wisdom they gained along the way. We're cooking up something special, so tune in every Thursday. Listen to Eating While Broke on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by State Farm. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Yo, it's Big Bank. Check out my podcast, Prospective with Bank, on the Black Effect Podcast Network. Each and every Monday, Prospective with Bank podcasts will feature individuals, all walks of life, who come together to share their unique perspective and engage in enlightened conversation. This podcast will explore all type of conversations from everyday people, your favorite celebrities. Every Monday, listen to Prospective with Bank on Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple

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