Getting It Right This Time
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The talk around GLP-1s is inescapable these days, but are you familiar with Future Health? They've made accessing qualified doctors who specialize in GLP-1s easier than ever before. My friend has struggled with their weight for many years. It was always up and down. She tried fad diets, never saw lasting results. So she started using GLP-1s and not only did she get better, but she also got better.

only did the weight come off, but she also gained more energy to do all those activities that she loved the most. I'm all about feeling my best and living my life in a healthy way. It's incredible how science is able to help us achieve that healthy lifestyle that we are all striving for. Future health gives millions of people a

affordable access to knowledgeable providers who really know weight loss medications for less than $3 a day. Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in three minutes at tryfh.com. That's tryfh.com. Tryfh.com. Future Health is not a healthcare service provider. Meds are prescribed at provider's discretion. Results may vary. Sponsored by Future Health.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. ♪

I Do Part Two is a unique podcast that is all about divorce and heartbreak and the idea that you can find love again. I'm one of your hosts, Jenny Garth, and I know that the path to love isn't always an easy road to travel. A theme that has come up on this podcast a lot has been about self-reflection and growth that goes hand in hand with divorce.

All of a sudden, you're forced to take a hard look at things. And sometimes the best way to make sense of it all is through therapy. Therapy! Therapy!

I want to bring on today Dr. Hilary Goldsher, an incredible psychologist who does in-depth work in the arena of relationships to have an honest conversation about all the things divorced people should know or be asking themselves when getting back out there in the dating scene. So with that, hello, Dr. Hilary. Hi, Jenny. So nice to meet you. Thank you for coming on our podcast today.

My pleasure. We need you. We all need you. As you already probably know, this podcast is all about people that haven't gotten it right in love before. They're divorced. Maybe they're a single parent, but they haven't given up on the idea of finding their person. So I wanted to chat about all the things or questions that divorced people have

that are ready to date again should be thinking about or asking themselves. Love it. Sound good? Head up my alley. Let's go. Let's do this. How do we heal from the pain of a divorce?

Big question. I'm starting out swinging. Yeah, just a one sentence answer. No, I'm glad you're asking that so distinctly because it gives me a chance to say the following, which is that in my work, I like to conceptualize divorce as a trauma. And

This is relevant regardless of the divorce, if the divorce is amicable and mutual or if the divorce is high conflict and one person doesn't want it, right? The shift in paradigm and the resultant change in orientation and related stability and sort of spirit and soul is typically pretty shocking to both parties thereafter. Right.

Particularly women, and that I guess is gender stereotypical, but it is often true in my experience. And so having an opportunity to think of it like that gives women going through it an opportunity to heal in a very intentional, prolonged way.

And so when you think about like, well, how do you heal? You begin by realizing that your heart, body, mind, and soul are going through something traumatic and profound. I love that. I love that because it gives people the opportunity to say, wow, this is, I'm in trauma, like you said, and I need to be kind to myself in this process, take care of myself. Yes. Yes.

I like to call the season post-divorce the, quote, after marriage, because there's an entire relationship with the season of post-marriage. Who you are, who you want to be, how you feel, separate.

And disentangling finances and kid stuff, if they're involved, it's an entirely other relationship that you, in some cases, get to co-create with your ex and in some cases have to create on your own if there isn't an amicable relationship. So it gives an opportunity to think about what do I need to stop?

soothe myself? What resources do I need to mobilize to help myself through? What are the different phases that I'm going through? And what do I need in each one of them to sort of help myself develop into the person I want to be in this new season of my life? Oh, that's going to be exciting. We're going to get into that. But I want to talk about accountability. I think that

How do we take our own accountability for the things that happen in the marriage and not just point the finger, not just blame the other party? So slowing that process down is painful, but critical.

There is absolutely room to identify the pain points, the frustrations, the hurts, the betrayals, the infidelities, whatever occurred. Talk about them and hold them up and feel them in a safe environment with friends, a therapist, family, et cetera. It's not only important, but mandatory, necessary. It is okay for part of the process to be anger-inducing.

That's how we move through it. We don't dismiss it. We don't suppress it. We don't paint it with a pretty color. We dance with it. We hold it. We decide what it's done to us and what we want it to do to us moving forward.

So I could talk a lot more about that, but I want to really be specific about reserving a space for all of those feelings and being really deliberate about it. It's a critical part of healing. Having said that, it is also really important to say, well, what about me? What about me? Because two things can be true at the same time. You could have been betrayed and let down and hurt, mistreated.

Disrespected. All of those things can be true and devastating. But there's some way in which we co-created, even if the quote only way we co-created is that we allowed it to happen for too long. We didn't advocate. We didn't say no more. We didn't say you're not listening. I'm staying in it until you do.

And so being able to recognize what our part is in co-creating this sustained dynamic is critical for healing and to not repeating it in future relationships. So it's an interesting dichotomy because if you were mistreated, disrespected, cheated on, et cetera, the understandable premise might be this is on him. I don't need to look at this. I'm just the victim. And in many ways that's

portion of that is true. But what I just said is critical or the healing is not robust and not, and doesn't have longevity. We need to figure out what we co-created, what we in, what our input was to make this dynamic occur over and over and over again. Yes. I always say, stop pointing the finger and start pulling the thumb. And so it works for me. Exactly. Yeah.

It's really important to allow for both. That there's something really, I'll use that word again, robust and fulfilling about both, allowing space for both. We get to be mad and frustrated, angry and hurt, and we get to say it to save others. But we have to also figure out how do we contribute? We have to, or our healing is not going to be complete and some version of the pattern is going to repeat again, whether it's an after.

romantic relationship or friendship or professional environment with your kiddos, it will reveal itself again until we tangle with it. How do we know when it's time to date again? I mean, should people try dating even if they don't feel ready? Yeah. Glad you're asking that because

This is a topic where I feel like it's so important for people to practice relying on their own intuition, because there's so many cliches about this question. Well, you should wait a certain amount of time or you're not healed or you should get out there. You got to get back out there. Get on the horse. Yeah. Right. Or you're not really healed.

yourself or taking care of yourself. Neither of those things are absolute truths. There is no, I'm a clinician, I'm a doctor, this is what I do. There is no, here's the answer. The answer is within you and your first guess at it may be wrong, right? You might decide I

I'm ready. It's important that I get out there. It's important that I start this and you try it and it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel fulfilling. It feels stressful or anxiety provoking or in some way uncomfortable. And so we check in again with our intuition and go, Oh, that wasn't a match. We, we pause, we surround ourselves with comforts and safe people and known quantities and we try, right. And if, uh,

The sort of edict that like, right, if you go out there too quickly, you aren't dealing with your pain and your trauma and you're covering up your feelings with other people and the dynamics that that can create. Something to watch out for. That can be true. But allow yourself to discover that. It's really important post-divorce to start discovering.

carving your own path and carving your own path doesn't mean just an upward trajectory where everything just keeps getting better and better and better and more successful. Building a tolerance for carving your own path and stumbling. Oh, that didn't work. That didn't feel good. Actually didn't make me feel more expansive and more grounded. It made me feel more destabilized and disoriented. Good. Yeah.

Good that you were able to recognize that and have that insight and go back and try again. So my answer is look within and take your best guess and honor yourself as you do that. And if it isn't a match, if it isn't resonant, honor your ability to go back and shift it. It's so much of what we don't do in a marriage that doesn't work.

Look at your intuition, honor it, shift and change. We get to rely. I was going to say it's after that kind of trauma and you're in the grieving process, it's so hard to rely or...

trust your own instincts when they come up, you know? So you're saying it's a good idea to really listen deeply to your own instincts. Yes. And to your point, which is so critical, when you're destabilized, which is going to occur post-trauma or during trauma, right? There's something

my world would be called like trauma brain, which is exactly what it sounds like. Like can't think the way I usually do. Can't remember what my errand was. Can't remember my kid had soccer tomorrow, right? You just think and focus and orientation is off either intermittently or like on the regular. And so to your point, it will...

will probably be difficult to access intuition. And so not stopping there, but saying like, right, my road to my intuition is a little rocky right now. It's a little stumbly. It's a little unclear. That's okay. I'm like going to, you know, sort of hike through it and make my best guess and adjust as I recognize it either fits or doesn't because the, um,

extreme of that is to either stay completely paralyzed and do nothing or to not think at all, not reflect internally at all and just sort of act impulsively. And sitting with that messy middle of like, I'm not sure, but this is my best guess about what feels right to me. And I'm here for myself if I find out that's not true. ♪

Thursdays on ABC, get ready to move that bus. The beloved series Extreme Makeover Home Edition is making a triumphant return to kick off the new year. Join the Makeover mavens Joanna Teplin and Clea Shearer as they hit the road on a mission to transform the lives of deserving families whose stories will truly touch your heart.

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Can you believe all this talk about GLP-1s? Of course you can. It's all people are talking about. But have you heard of Future Health? They make access to qualified doctors that know GLP-1s easier than ever. My friend has struggled with her weight for years. With GLP-1s, she really noticed a reduction in cravings and felt more in control of her eating habits, which led to weight loss, physical health, and feeling more optimistic about her future. Health

and wellness is very important to me because when you're healthy, you feel good. And sometimes you need a little help from science to get to that healthy weight. It's a win-win. With Future Health, just take their quick three-minute survey. From there, if approved by a clinician, you'll get prescribed and get meds delivered to your door within 24 hours. Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in three minutes at tryfh.com. That's tryfh.com. Try

Future Health is not a health care service provider. Meds are prescribed at provider's discretion. Results may vary. Sponsored by Future Health.

health. I'm Jason Alexander and I'm Peter Tilden and together on the really no really podcast our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus is

Does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's what I'm talking about.

The opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. ♪♪♪

Okay, can I just say, I really wish I had you about 10 years ago, because we're just talking about it now, and it's taking me back to that trauma. And it's, I feel it in my body like that. I feel tense and a little tingly. And it was just, you're so, it's so true what you're saying. And I never gave it any of these thoughts when I was going through it. I was doing all the things I probably shouldn't have been impulsive and

distracting myself and blaming all the things. Yes. You're giving me the chills when you're talking about it because I have such a passion for women going through divorce and the lack of this kind of conceptualization that I think would be so useful and grounding. And even what you're saying that you did 10 years ago, none of that is quote wrong. It's just your perception and conceptualization of it at the time probably felt

Really internally disorienting and the opposite of grounding, right? That had you had the language and the sort of conceptualization that like, oh, this is okay. This is part of trauma. This is my trauma brain. I'm noticing it. I'm dealing with it. As I said before, I'm dancing with it.

I'm pausing. I'm reflecting on my intuition. I'm stopping. I'm turning around and making a different choice. It's not that had you had this information, you wouldn't have done all those things. That's trauma. We're not avoiding the hard parts. We're not avoiding the blaming, the distracting, the depression, the making of the wrong choices, the like disobeying our intuition. We're still going to do it. This is trauma. Yeah.

This is trauma. So trauma is messy, but you had language to go, wait a minute, let me pause. Let me slow this down. Let me be more intentional. Let me rescue myself from this mission. It's not working for me. Right. And so I just want to hold that space for women out there going through it, that,

Having this conceptualization doesn't take away the pain and the journey and the tendency to do all the things you're talking about. It just gives a language to talk about it to ourselves so we aren't shamed and to rescue ourselves when we notice we're going in a place we don't belong. So good. What if the idea of dating...

repulses me. I mean, you. I remember thinking I would rather lick the bottom of my shoe than go on a date. No, I'm not going to do that. Yeah. Yeah. My answer to that is, well, before I say this,

People around you will encourage you to adjust your perspective in that regard and hold tight to what feels nice for current experience. If it feels repulsive, let it feel that way. And what it was going to say with that context is get curious. Oh, that's so interesting. That's so interesting. Tell me much more. Although you're talking to yourself, tell me much more. Like why, why, what about it? Like,

all the dirty details of what you're thinking, what makes it feel so awful and so intolerable and so completely unsustainable. Get really curious. Don't shame it. Don't try to shift it. Don't try to change it. Don't try to modify it. And I would offer conceptualize it as a season rather than a lifelong conception. If it turns into a lifelong conception, I don't know. We'll think about it then. But it makes a lot of sense

that post-divorce and in trauma, particularly if you were blamed and shamed and disrespected, and there was infidelity, all of that. And even if you weren't, that the idea of putting yourself in a vulnerable situation again, and trusting yourself to show up in a way that is steeped in self-care is scary. And so having a lot of grace and compassion for yourself and allowing that to be so. So my goal is,

for a person sitting in front of me who had that going on wouldn't be to change their mind, but would be to get really, to build a relationship with that truth, right? To get to know it and follow it. Does it shift? Does it change? Does it dissipate? Does it deepen? How interesting, right? And then if it becomes something that is completely unshakable over a long period of time, maybe we go deeper. We start thinking about, does this bump up?

against other experiences in your life, childhood dynamics, abandonment, being devalued, not seen, betrayed as a child or in other relationships. And do we need to look at that intersection and start to work to reduce the hold on that? My goal as a clinician is to help people access connection and love and community, assuming that's one's goal and it is most people's goal. And so it's

If it comes to a point where someone is really keeping themselves from those things, then we look at that. But that initial feeling should be paradoxically completely honored. Yeah, I think you're saying get curious, ask yourself questions about things. I think for me personally,

After it happened, I didn't want to talk to myself. I didn't want to ask myself questions. I don't want to trust myself because I felt damaged and hurt and I couldn't trust myself. Yes. Yes. I'm so glad you're talking about that because I think that feeling state is ubiquitous for divorced women. That's sort of like, I don't want to get close to it. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel the hurt and I don't want to feel the

self-blame or shame that we cultivate around what we did to contribute and where we are and society's reflection about where we are now, all of that. And again, I wouldn't

Try to suggest that we can make that feeling go away, but rather, and this is the hardest part, but rather just get a little bit closer to it, a little bit closer to it. What is that? Why am I so afraid to go to the feelings? What's the worst that's going to happen? What do I think is going to occur? You know, if I just take one step closer to it and what I'm about to say is super practical, but I think useful, which is that when we are in avoidance mode of feelings, setting aside five minutes,

to sit with the feeling, literally, I mean, taking out your phone and setting five minutes and whatever feels right to you, whether it's journaling or talking with a friend or just thinking, um, uh,

about something that feels tricky and then just being done with it, gently urging the feelings back. It's going to be there when I'm ready again. And just for the purpose, even if it doesn't change much of our feeling state, for the purpose of interrupting our neural pathways that are well-traveled, we get the feeling and our immediate response is to not go to it, denial, suppression, avoidance.

That's a neural pathway we travel over and over and over and over again. We want to interrupt that so we have more choices for other things over time. And even if we interrupt it with like five minutes of like gentle thinking about it, we start to change our brain chemistry around it. Okay.

Say it's time to date. We've gotten to that point. What do we need to do emotionally, physically, mentally, so that we don't make the same mistakes? You know? Yeah. If we were married to someone who wasn't right for us, how do we know how to not do that again? Yes.

So my answer is going to be a little tricky, but based in reality and anecdotal experience and clinical experience, I suppose.

That is not totally the question because that question is a pretty big setup for failure at the smallest event, right? How do I not do this again? And then you're at dinner and you say something to impress someone rather than being more authentic. Now, all of a sudden you're doing it again. And you failed. You failed, right? And you go out with someone and...

you know, you overtext them and are needy or clingy in your estimation, you failed again. And so the question is not, how do I not do the same thing? The question is, how do I get, how do I stay close to my process? So I continue continuously evaluate how it feels to me and how it's going and where my blind spots are and where my vulnerabilities are and where some of my less adaptive behaviors show up and I can,

step in and interrupt them or correct them or repair and go back and try again, right? So the idea that we can just, and I know you weren't saying exactly this, but the idea that we can just flip from like doing it wrong to doing it right is way too tricky. We're flawed humans. Yeah, that's kind of unrealistic.

Yes. And even in the best relationships, we have stuff and we show up in ways we don't feel good about. And we're like, oh, I did it again. I did that thing where I snap at my partner. I suck. Yeah. I suck, right? What's wrong with me? So the question is just how can I track myself?

How can I hold myself accountable in a gentle, loving way? And when I say accountable, I don't mean like not having a misstep. I mean, like, how am I feeling about going out tonight? How do I feel when I'm with this person? How does he make me feel? How do I feel when I'm sitting with them? Do I feel like interested and compelled? Do I feel bored? Do I feel a sense of like, um,

I don't know, like groundedness, safety, orientation, or does it seem like I'm not being listened to? Or like just getting curious about how you feel in scenarios with dates and men, right? And getting curious about how you show up. Wow, I like really talked a lot or I didn't talk.

at all or like, gosh, I was so triggered once we said goodnight. All I could think about was him texting or calling, right? Just noticing the stuff that comes up. I think the edict people put on themselves is trying to

avoid having any of these things happen. And when they do, feeling guilt and shame, embarrassment, judgment, self-criticism, as opposed to like, oh, so interesting. What's that about? And how do I feel about it? And that doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel good to me that I'm overvaluing if this person is going to contact me again, for example, right? What's that about?

What is it connected to? How do I feel in my body when I think about it? Are there resources, tools I can put in place to help manage those tricky feelings when they come up via friends, via self-soothing, meditation, therapy, right? What can I do when I notice something is not serving me well?

And so that is how we mobilize a path that is different, is staying present and in it and close to our feelings rather than some macro sort of edict that we have to show up a certain or a different way. Mm-hmm.

Thursdays on ABC, get ready to move that bus. The beloved series Extreme Makeover Home Edition is making a triumphant return to kick off the new year. Join the Makeover mavens Joanna Teplin and Clea Shearer as they hit the road on a mission to transform the lives of deserving families whose stories will truly touch your heart.

With the help of the design team, Ariane Belisere and Wendell Holland, they have just four days, a race against time to rally communities, demolish old homes and rebuild not just houses,

but lives get ready for those heartfelt moments filled with tears of joy as Joanna and Clea dive deep into the emotional journeys of these families, uncovering their struggles and beginning the healing process. It's not just about remodeling homes. It's about rebuilding hope one family at a time. So don't miss out on this incredible journey. New episodes of extreme makeover home edition Thursdays at eight, seven central on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. You won't want to miss it.

The talk around GLP-1s is inescapable these days, but are you familiar with Future Health? They've made accessing qualified doctors who specialize in GLP-1s easier than ever before. My friend has struggled with their weight for many years. It was always up and down. She tried fad diets, never saw lasting results. So she started using GLP-1s and not only did she get better, but she also got better.

only did the weight come off, but she also gained more energy to do all those activities that she loved the most. I'm all about feeling my best and living my life in a healthy way. It's incredible how science is able to help us achieve that healthy lifestyle that we are all striving for. Future health gives millions of people a

Thank you.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, is

Really? That?

It's the opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

When is it the right time to start talking to the new person about our ex or the bloody massacre that was the relationship or what happened in our relationship? Or even if we have kids, like that's the second, I would think the second thing you would talk to them about, but like, you know, what's the timeline for those kinds of things? Like how, when do I talk about my ex? When do I talk about my kids that I have? Yeah.

That's a good one. And I'll probably be a little more prescriptive about this. Look, I mean, before I say what I'm going to say, again, intuition, if, you know, it feels right and there's a sharing and a flow, maybe it happens. And I'm going to respond to him this way. Yeah.

trust yourself if that feels right and if you end up regretting it that's an example of what we were just talking about. There's no like this is the answer. Having said that, I think in this arena it's almost like PHI, like private health information, you know what I mean? I think about PHI, right? You're not like sharing other people's health information without intention,

And so think of it as kind of your private health information, right? And you wouldn't give it to just anyone. It's a sacred part of who you are and it's fragile, particularly post-divorce in the year or two afterwards, like 10 years afterwards, it's less so. You might be able to just make a joke about it casually to an acquaintance you just met, right? But in those first couple of years, it's really sensitive and fragile and treating it with care

I think matters to the healing process. There's like a gravity and somberness to it that relates to that trauma we were talking about. And not using it to garner sympathy or to fill in idle moments on a date. Right. Not giving up

more of yourself too soon, you know, establishing a connection and a sense of who this other person is and determining if your fragile health information is, you know, sort of feels right sharing. And I was about to use the word safe and look, it's tricky. We've met someone two times, five times, 10 times. Do we really know for sure if they can promise like a robust sort of

period of safety. I don't know. We all know plenty of stories where it seems to be true and it ends up not being true. So I would just say, proceed with care, continue to notice how do I feel with this person? How do I share around them? How do they seem to communicate notions around their own feelings? What is their emotional intelligence level look like? Start

You know, start slow. You don't have to give the whole story up. You might say that's, that's a painful period and I'm still processing it. And like, you know, over time, perhaps I'll share more. Right. If, if your body is still telling you, I'm ready here. And kids, I think I would look at it sort of two ways. I think it's a,

factually important to sort of say, like, I have a, you know, a 10, eight and five year old and, you know, they're the light of my life. I have them half time and like huge part of who I am and how I move through the world. That's true for you. I think it's important to have that truth be proudly conveyed. And, um,

implicit in that is that if you're interested in getting to know me, that's, that's part of who I am. Right. That's important. So you, you know, weed out folks that are like, I don't want to be with someone that has kids that little, or I don't want to be with someone who has three kids versus one, right. Whatever it is.

So I would embody that part of your identity as a mother pretty quickly to support that part of the process in terms of your relationship with your kids, your relationship with your ex, how you co-parent. Again, you might give like a macro like,

It's a work in progress. It can be tricky and it can be amazing. And, you know, perhaps more information, you know, to come in the future, right? Okay, I love these answers you're giving because they're things that people can actually say. And if you're listening...

I want to do this and I'm not even going through a divorce. I want to write these sentences that you're telling these responses down and just like have a cheat sheet in my pocket on my day and be like, hold one second. Let me just check. Oh yeah. It's complicated. And I'm. My clients do that all the time. Right. Right down the sentences. That's, that's one of the ways I love to work. Yeah. Yes. I think it's nice to have something prepared and to not feel pressure to share more than you were ready and to really, yeah.

own and embody the truth without sharing too much, which is like, it's tricky right now, tricky season. And perhaps over time, I'll share more, you know, and that's it. That's enough. That's enough. You don't owe more and it reflects your truth. You're not shying away from it. You don't have to say you're co-parenting beautifully and over the divorce if you are not and you are not.

but you also don't have to share and explain everything you can own. I'm in the messy middle. I know it. I accept it. I'm taking it on and like more to come. So good. Okay. So say you have kids, right? I love though that you should pretty early on let them know your situation. I have two kids and two dogs or whatever, because you don't want that to

bite you in the ass if you haven't told them. That's right. That's right. And you own that. You own kids. It's a big part of your life, if it's true, is with them. You don't have to say that, but meaning the latter part, but just owning, I'm like a

It's an amazing part of who I am. I'm a mom of two kids. They're five and seven. And I got going on and that's it. Right. That's so good. So good. What, what, how much of a say should your kids get about you dating again? And that's hard because it just, I'm sure it depends on like the age of the kids. I know when I started dating, I had young and I had a,

16 year old who was very opinionated about every move I made. Yep. So I'm going to answer this in like gradients because you're right. It really depends on the age of the kids. So if you have little kids and like I'm defining, I'm eliminating like

babies and like really small, but you know, if you're like in the like four-year-old to like, I don't know, like 10 year old to the extent possible, you're not updating your children on your dating life. There's really no need for them to know. In my clinical opinion, I would only introduce the concept if, and when someone important came into your life and you planned on introducing them, which is a whole other topic we can talk about.

And I have a whole approach about what that would look like. But there's if they come to know you're out on a Thursday with Joe for whatever reason, I would just frame it as a friend and leave it there. There's no reason to burden young kids with adult information unless it's relevant and important. And your date with Joe on Thursday is not relevant and important unless Joe becomes your person. Right. Right.

And you have a much more deliberate conversation, which, as I said, we can talk about. So I'm saying a version of like, keep it from them. There's no reason for your little kids to know that you're dating.

And your older kids who might even proactively ask the question or just come to know because they are conscious beings and up and going out. Right. I think it's really important to have a conversation with your kids and not on the night you're going out with Joe. Like, how do you feel about this? I'm leaving in 30 minutes that like if they're talking about it or it's in the atmosphere that you sit down with them and go like, huh, like,

Tricky. You're thinking about the idea that I might start dating and you're right. And that has to feel like really weird, really, really weird and hard. I know it feels weird and hard to me. So I can imagine what it feels like to you. I want to sit here and like, tell me everything you're thinking about it. I want to hear it.

And just open up a space. I mean, if you have a kiddo who will talk, right? I'll talk if you don't. But if you have a kid who will talk, great. And I don't like it. I want you and dad to get back together. I think it's so lame. I think it's so gross. I want you to keep your time. I can't believe you leave me to go out. Like all the things that you just validate. You don't try to change their mind. You don't try to justify it. But I'm here all the time. It's just two hours. You lean in.

I feel so bad. Like no matter how often I'm here with you, it just feels so bad. It feels so awful. Of course you wish your mom and dad were together. Like I get it, get it. And this is a reminder that we're not, I get it.

I feel so emotional because I can just remember all of this and trying to navigate it the best I could without these amazing tools. Yes, it's so difficult. But for the kids, and this is not age-dependent, all they're thinking is,

All the time, especially at the beginning is I just wish my mom and dad were together. And we are a version of over it because we're the adults and we've thought about it and we've been ideally intentional about it. And we're working to move through it. We have decided, or at least have been told that we're not going to be with that person. Our kids,

They have no say and they don't get to move on like we do. They don't get to move on. It's a chronic trauma that their parents aren't together. And our parental edict is to like imagine or facilitate our kids not suffering, you know? And so we just want to see, but they seem okay. Like I'm not going to bring up that this might be painful for them because they seem fine.

in many ways they are fine and functional and thriving, but they're never fine that their mom and dad aren't together. And it's never not a good time to say, I get it. I know that's still on your mind. Even if you're 10 years out, you know,

You know, you're a new person, right? That you're still, I know this still might bump up against this wound. That's painful. It's never okay from your standpoint. I get it. And so the messaging in that moment about your date with, you know, Joe coming up is not about the date with Joe and trying to explain, you know,

that it doesn't mean a lot. It's, I know this matters that this is going to start happening. And I know it matters because you're in pain and I see it and I feel it and I can't fix it, but I want you to have a space to talk about it. I want you to know that I love you. Your father loves you. What I'm about to say, if this is all true, there are many complex scenarios where it's not, but it's,

And we are still a family because we'll always be our mom and dad. We'll always co-parent and we'll always all have that connection. Having said that, it's not the same. And I know that's what this brings up.

Let's take a pause right here. I want to continue this conversation because there's so much more that I have to ask you. If you want to call us for advice, 1-844-4IDOOPOD, that's 844-443-6763. Or you can email us at idopod at iheartradio.com. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at idopart2pod.

And be sure to check out all the information in our show notes. Make sure to rate us and review us. I do part two, an iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the main objective.

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Thank you.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.