I Choose...Not Giving Up On Love with Kaitlyn Bristowe
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Hello everyone. Welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about the choices we make and where they lead us. My guest today is someone we all fell in love with when she was on The Bachelor and then later when she starred as The Bachelorette. Some people say the best Bachelorette there ever was.

Since then, we also got to see her dominate on the dance floor when she won season 29 of Dancing with the Stars. Amazing. She's founder of her own wine company, Spade and Sparrows, and the host of the podcast, Off the Vine. Please welcome Caitlin Bristow to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for being on the I Choose Me podcast. This is so exciting to have you here.

I want to start by asking you, why are you such a badass? Oh, I don't think anyone's ever said to me. Sometimes I think I am, and other times I'm like, no, I feel like a fraud. That's natural. I do feel like just like life will put you through, you know, life be life in sometimes. And I feel like that only makes you stronger. And I feel like maybe...

A little hint of where I grew up with the way I grew up mixed with like being, I don't know, chewed up and spat out on a reality TV show made me. I love that you just, you don't give a fuck. You know, you put it all out there. I mean, even before the reality, The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, were you always like this? Were you an outgoing kid?

You know, it's funny. I always think about this. I was painfully shy when I was little and I couldn't even make eye contact. I couldn't be in like I got stage fright and I was a dancer. But I don't know what happened. Something switched in high school. I remember like the 12th grade being like unbearable.

I'm going into being an adult, as I thought. But at 18, that was the legal drinking age in Alberta, in Canada, where I grew up. So I was like, I'm going to be an adult. I have to put myself out there. And I just changed my mindset. And I remember being like, just do what you think you're scared of. Nobody cares. Nobody's looking at you. Nobody's staring. Nobody's thinking anything. It's not that deep. And I remember switching my mindset to,

um, in like out of nowhere in the 12th grade. And then, um, all through my twenties, I just remember having this best friend who was, she was probably seven years older than me. And I feel like she just inspired me and she didn't give a fuck. And she just lived her life so authentically. And I saw the way she just, um,

I lived this authentic life and she was just so grounded and happy. And I was like, I'm going to learn from this woman. And still to this day, she's one of my best friends. And I feel like I still learn from her. And I always-

I always try to give her credit and she's like, you did it, Caitlin. And I was like, Caitlin, you helped me. That's the best. You said at 18, you kind of had this epiphany. Did you have any therapy prior to that? Oh my gosh, I would have been even more advanced. I thought I had it figured out at 18. Also, like a blessing and a curse because you haven't experienced it.

things at 18 that you're going to do. But at 19, my world kind of got rocked. I lost my best friend and we were like sisters and we had attaching fences in our backyards and our sisters were best friends. Thank you. And our parents were best friends and it was just like a pretty big loss for me. And then I...

Went to Vancouver. I was living in a very small town in, it's called the Duke, Alberta in Canada. And I went to Vancouver because I had gotten a dance scholarship. And so I was going to dance with this company and do some auditions. And I ended up dancing with this company and also being a CFL, the Canadian Football League cheerleader. And I just would always be like, how would Lindsay be living her life? Was my friend that passed? And I feel like I chose to kind of like

because we were so similar and because we were like sisters, I kind of chose to live the way that I think she would be proud of and the way she'd want to live in the way I was inspired to live through her. So I feel like that kind of rocked my world and set me up for, for the path that I went on. And I ended up staying in Vancouver. And if, if it wasn't for all these little tiny shifts in my life that happened, nothing, you know, I wouldn't be here where I am today. So, you know,

Like I said, right at the get-go of this podcast, it's kind of like when life gets you, that's when you learn how resilient you are, I guess. For sure. And you just have to learn to listen to your instincts and follow the path that's unfolding in front of you. Did you feel like when you were a kid, you were destined for something bigger than... What's the name of the town? Ladoop. Yeah, Ladoop. Yes, I really did. It was so funny. My sister and I could not be more opposite. She's like...

honestly the loveliest human I've ever met and she's so selfless and I'm not saying I'm not but like she was always just craving this life of staying in the small town having a family that was just like that is her happy place and I was always like get me out of here I felt stuck I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there I felt like I was supposed to like when I moved to Vancouver still you know it's kind of it's not massive but I was like I'm in the big leagues now like this is a big city

And I just, I felt like I was always called to do, um...

Like scary things, but to me, it didn't feel scary. Like going on national television to a lot of people would be scary. And I was like, oh, it was a little late. Like I'm almost 30, but okay, here we go. Like I just, I knew something like that was going to be in my life. I don't know how to do that, but I think, you know, women are intuitive. But I also just, sometimes you just have that feeling. Like there's a reason you asked, right? Because sometimes people do have that feeling. Yeah, I mean, sometimes it's,

It's not us. We need somebody else to see that potential in us. And for me, it was my manager, Randy James, who I met when I was, I think, 15. Yeah. And I'm still with him today. Yeah, we're still together. Go away.

But like who was your biggest cheerleader when you were growing up? Who was there to make you take those big swings? Yeah, it was definitely my mom. My mom was a professional ballerina her whole life. And so she taught me dance. She used to have a dance studio. She's beautiful, by the way. Oh, and she's such a firecracker. She looks fun. Yeah, she is so fun. And she's just always been like –

encouraging to kind of like dance at the beat of my own drum. She's never told me to follow some sort of path. I mean, I do think she was very happy that the path I was on was like kind of her path and she was living vicariously through me. I actually loved doing what I was doing too. So I feel like she was always, her and my dad, they were very much like, you know, like they kind of

always had me believing that I was so unique and I needed to follow my own path and Caitlin's going to do what she wants to do and and let's kind of like encourage her instead of stop her they never forced me to go to college I was like no I'm going to be a dancer and they kind of just they always supported my dreams and and my quirkiness I would say like I just I feel like they never made me feel like I was supposed to be anything else but myself and I feel like

That's kind of, you know, when you just live, living true to yourself, things align. And that's so cool that your parents were so supportive like that. I wanted to ask you, since you've come onto the scene, you've always just been authentically you. I think that's why so many people are drawn to you. You've been really open. That hasn't always been an easy road, I think was-

When you were in your 20s, you said you struggled with an addiction to Valium. Can you share with us how you got through that one?

Yes. Again, that's where my parents will come in. But I, you know, growing up in my 20s in Vancouver, I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get some sort of dance gig. I always thought I would be like traveling the world as a dancer. And as I went through like, you know, 20 to 25, I was doing the grind. I was living for people in a one bedroom apartment, dancing at night, working at a restaurant in the day, doing auditions, all of that kind of thing, which I

I'm sure you're familiar with as well. And I, at 25, 26, you know, the old story of I met a boy and he was this Canadian hockey player. And in my mind, I thought, well, I'll just, you know, go wherever he goes and he's successful and I'll live his life and that I'll just find my own thing to do along the way. And I think I completely lost myself to that.

this person I financially, emotionally, spiritually, in every way relied on this one guy and thought, you know, this is it for me. I'm going to get married. We're going to have a family. And I was kind of all over the place with him. We were in

um, Winnipeg, Canada, and then Anaheim and then, uh, Newfoundland, Canada, and then Germany. And I just, you know, in Germany, I, I had no friends, uh, the German team, all the wives were German. They kind of all had their friends. And, uh, I, I thought, you know, I'm going to travel Germany and I worked two jobs before I went, but I just started getting stuck in this

Little room that we lived in, this is so crazy to think back on, but I was totally addicted to Call of Duty, like video games. Oh my gosh. I never would have thought that. It's so funny to think back on because I'm like, oh, that poor girl. I just want to go for a hug so bad, but I would just sit there and I would...

drink and I would play video games and I would just wait on him to get home from practice. And then he'd go on the road and I would just sleep all day and I became shell of myself and I couldn't work. And I realized that I am such a go-getter and I love to do things and, you know, meet people and all these things. And I wasn't doing any of it. And, um,

we ended up breaking up because he basically looked at me and he was like, you are not meant for this life. I see how miserable you are. I got very depressed. And on top of being very depressed, he left me and I had no education, no job. I could not go back to dancing. I

I, my whole world just felt like it got rocked because that also, it does sound silly, but I know how real it is to lose somebody like that is also going through grief. And I loved, I loved him so much. And so my mom said, I'm booking you a flight.

She lived in Phoenix at the time and I was not okay. I was saying very scary things and she picked me up at the airport with my stepdad and we didn't even go home. We went straight to a walk-in clinic and I had to take a bunch of tests and paperwork and

It was basically a test of how suicidal were you. And I had never felt like that in my whole life. I was always pretty fun and outgoing, and I was just rock bottom. And they put me on, without even really talking through it, they put me on Valium and an antidepressant. And when you've never taken anything like that before and you start feeling completely numb, that is a...

beautiful feeling compared to depression. And so I thought I can just take this pill and not feel anything. And I would, nobody gave me a limit on it. Nobody really walked me. You know, my mom didn't have too much information on this. So she just so heartbroken watching me just be the shell of myself. And every day I would just sleep and take a pill and go back to sleep. And that happened for

honestly too long. And my parents really had to like do something about it because I had to wean myself off and I,

It was probably, you know, I ended up being sneaky about it, not telling them when I was taking it. And they just kind of were there for me during all of it. And they said, this isn't you. Like, go back to Vancouver. My friend said I could live on his couch. I just, I stayed on my friend's couch and I just got myself like little by little. My mom said, no.

Baby steps. Baby steps is all you need to do right now. We're here to support you financially. And I took little baby steps. If I got out of bed that day, that was a small win. If I walked out and got a coffee, that was a small win. I eventually worked myself up into going to a restaurant and filling out an application to host, to work my way up in a restaurant. And just little by little through, you know, the support of friends and family and then therapy. That's when I got into therapy. Yeah.

baby steps got me where I needed to get to be. You should be so proud of yourself. Not only for how far you've come, but also for being really vulnerable and sharing that part of your life with the world, because it's that kind of honesty that creates impactful connections with people all over the world who are dealing with similar things to you perhaps.

Yeah, I actually couldn't believe. So I think also a part of how I grew up, I didn't, I didn't, you know, grow up doing auditions for TV. I didn't know how TV worked. I didn't know what overnight success looked like with a platform. And so I think I've just always been like, well, isn't everyone this honest and has gotten me in trouble, but that's also built a beautiful community. And I always say vulnerability creates connection. It creates community. And I, um,

couldn't believe how much people were craving that in a world of social media. I was like, oh, I didn't even realize the impact that could have by sharing a story. Right. It's wild. You don't think it until you do it. And then you just feel so connected to the people who are in similar situations. Yes. And just hearing like,

I used to get a little bit overwhelmed if people would come up and be like, because, you know, on The Bachelorette, you get pigeonholed, you get pigeonholed into this one dimensional character. And I got overwhelmed by people coming up to me and saying, like, I can't believe what you did and this and this. But then it started turning into you, you know, your podcast has really helped me or how honest you are has really helped me. And now I just like want to hug everyone I meet.

I just like love it so much. And the people are like, oh, I was scared to say hi. I'm like, no, please like run and jump in my arms. I just think it's so cool now. It really is.

Hi, it's Jenny Garth. Feeling confident in my skin is non-negotiable, and that's why I choose Perricone MD. Perricone MD's triple retinol renewal face and eye serums are powerful but gentle, boosting cell turnover for visibly smoother, firmer skin. Since I've started using these serums exclusively, I've noticed that my skin is more radiant, it's glowing, and people are asking me more and more, why?

What do you use on your skin? Having confidence in the way your skin looks starts with Perricone MD. Visit perriconemd.com and use code JENNIE for 40% off your order for a limited time. perriconemd.com code J-E-N-N-I-E. We all know how important it is to take care of our physical and mental health. But what about our sexual health?

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How do you choose to show up for yourself now every day? I was thinking how good of timing this podcast was because I just came out of a three-day therapy retreat that I did in Nashville. I ended up actually doing some equine therapy with a horse. Oh, my God. I'm so jealous right now. Oh.

Oh, it was beautiful work. Like, I've done some really heavy stuff. I did this program called Hoffman, where I did some inner child work. And I've done a lot of therapy. And I love it so much. And I just choose...

like, I think at this point in my life, I really understand kind of, it's kind of clockwork for me when I have tough times. So I suffer pretty badly from hormonal depression. And, um, I don't know why it took me so long into my thirties to realize that's what it was like every time, same, same time every month. I'm like, Oh, uh, so I just, I really choose to, um,

like look at where I'm at in my cycle, if I'm being completely honest and give myself grace for certain things. And I feel I have therapy I do once every two weeks. And even if I don't feel like going, and even if I feel like I have nothing to learn or nothing to say, I always walk away being like, I'm so glad I did that. It's kind of like, you know, moving your body or going to the gym. Or I always joke about how it's like,

Going to the gym and having sex. It's like, why did it feel so good once you get there? Why were you so hesitant? It's like, that's for me too. And I felt like another thing that I really do, I lift heavy weights and I never thought I would do that. I always hated working out. And now just, I feel so mentally strained.

strong after coming out of a workout that that's become something I really do for myself and how I show up for myself. And then I would say the last thing is, and I still struggle with this, but I will have pep talks with myself in the mirror. Like if somebody was watching, I live by myself and sometimes I'm like, I should have brother cameras in here. It is hilarious how I talk to myself. I'll look in the mirror. I'll be like, oh, you look so, and then I'm go, no, no, no, we don't talk to ourselves that way. And then I'll find something I love about myself. I'll give myself-

High fives. I'll like go do a gratitude circle with my freaking dogs. Like I'll hold their paws and-

I love that. It's like over all the years of doing things, you know, that learning lessons and you kind of just build up this, as they call the toolbox, you know, for people who know what that is, obviously who listen to your podcast and you know, it becomes easier over time to snap out of it. But there's nothing wrong with not snapping out of it either. Right. And I think once you really determine like,

I am a person that's a little chemically imbalanced and you've gotten specific about it that it's connected with your cycle. Once you nail it down and figure it out, it's less scary. And you know, you can accept that about yourself and not be shameful of it, you know, because there's a lot of shame around depression, I feel like. And I still do, even though I could sit here and talk about it all day, like I still do find myself having shame around it, even though, you know how...

we have this thought and I know a lot of people bring this up lately is that two things can be true at once. I can suffer depression and I can also be very vulnerable and I can also be very happy and I can also be very sad. And I am a human being feeling the full spectrum of emotions in a day. And it's, I do feel shame around it sometimes, but thanks to podcasts like yours and people talking about it, it's like, there's really nothing to be ashamed of. And I,

I also do have the chemical imbalance and obviously I'm not a doctor, but like going on medication for me changed my whole life because, and what the doctor said to me and what I've heard a lot is people say,

If you had a heart condition, you'd take medication. If you have a balance, take medication. Again, talk to your doctor and whatever you believe in. But for me personally, helping myself through medication and therapy has changed my whole life. I'm so happy for you. It sounds like your toolbox is full of great things to get you through tough times like that. And yeah, also in relationships, if anybody ever makes you feel

or like you're too much or you're just – I had this a lot, Caitlin. I was always told I was too emotional. Yeah.

And it was hard for me because, you know, I played like this character for 10 years in my very formative developmental years who was experiencing trauma after trauma after trauma on the show. And that definitely had an effect on me. But I came to the place where I was like, yeah, I am emotional and I'm going to switch it to say I'm emotion full. And I actually love that about myself now. Yes. And how long did it take you to love that about yourself?

Gosh, I am going to say not until I was out of a relationship where I didn't feel good about myself. It was in my early 40s.

Yeah. Yeah. See, and that's so inspiring because I think a lot of people think there's an age on where you should be. Oh my gosh. Or with, with where you're at in life and not only career, but emotionally, financially, everybody has this idea of where they're supposed to be. And I'm like, I bet you all get on my deathbed, hopefully I'm like 105 and I'll go, I still don't think I got it. I mean, truly it, it, it,

Everybody's on their own schedule. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And relationships really will –

make you believe something that is not true about yourself, if it's not one, you know, and it's, it's, the benefit of hindsight is always looking back and saying, Oh, I just, I actually wasn't even myself in that relationship. And what what that person was making me feel bad about is actually something that's, that's part of who I am, that's part of my DNA. And that's

That can be something that's actually beautiful instead of... Exactly. Exactly. You said something about society. Do you feel that the bullshit societal pressures that we are all put under, but specifically that you should be in a certain stage of life already at your age, how do you handle that? Because I think so many women are like you, living fierce, independent, cool lives, but they still...

feel stuck or like something is wrong with them because they haven't got the husband or the kids or whatever else it is that they need, quote unquote, to have. Yeah. I once in a while will like go into a like, oh God, because I'm turning 40 this year, which I feel like that's like

I've always been made to feel like that's scary, but then I'm like, I still feel 25. And I just, I, I almost feel better than I did at 25. Actually. I'm taking better care of myself. I have more like wisdom and knowledge. I'm more, I'm more evolved version of myself. And I always heard people talk about, you know, forties are the best and it just gets better and better. And now I believe it. So, but I do, I still have moments where I'm like, I kind of like giggle sometimes when I look around and I go, Oh,

I'm, I'm hyper independent. I'm almost the opposite now where I'm like, I think I could have a baby on my own. I think I could just do life on my own. Like my therapist will be like, that's also a trauma response. Cause I'm like, but it's an option. Yeah. It's awesome. And I think that's empowering because I'm, I'm just, I did this whole visualization the other day with, I have a

Talk about tools in the belt. I've got a therapist. I've got a spiritual coach. I have this, she's like an intuitive coach and we're doing this visualization. And she was asking me to picture like you can wake up anywhere in the world and you're with anyone you want. Like what is your perfect day? And it was so funny because like,

it's a perfect world. So I can make it up. I have, you know, it can be outrageous. And I was in Hawaii for like one hour of the day. But what I found was I was like, well, I woke up in my own bed in my home with my dogs and no one else. And she's like, isn't that beautiful that that was your actual, like you got...

into a meditation you were picturing your perfect day and you were with yourself and I'm like that is really cool and I wouldn't have said that five years ago you know yes it's you've come so far I'm so proud of you I know I want to go through the screen and give you a hug

Hi, it's Jenny Garth. Feeling confident in my skin is non-negotiable, and that's why I choose Perricone MD. Perricone MD's triple retinol renewal face and eye serums are powerful but gentle, boosting cell turnover for visibly smoother, firmer skin. Since I've started using these serums exclusively, I've noticed that my skin is more radiant, it's glowing, and people are asking me more and more, why?

What do you use on your skin? Having confidence in the way your skin looks starts with Perricone MD. Visit perriconemd.com and use code JENNIE for 40% off your order for a limited time. perriconemd.com code J-E-N-N-I-E. We all know how important it is to take care of our physical and mental health. But what about our sexual health?

I've been there, feeling stuck and frustrated because I was never in the mood. That's why I started taking Addy. And let me tell you,

I've seen firsthand what a difference it can make. Addi is the only FDA-approved pill for certain premenopausal women frustrated by low libido that's clinically proven to increase our interest in sex, give us more satisfying sex, and lower the stress we feel from low libido. Reconnect and rediscover your sexy self. Talk to your doctor or visit Addi.com.

That's A-D-D-Y-I dot com to learn more. Individual results may vary.

We'll be right back.

That's A-D-D-Y-I dot com to learn more. At Amica Insurance, we know it's more than just a car or a house. It's the four wheels that get you where you're going,

and the four walls that welcome you home. When you combine auto and home insurance with Amica, we'll help protect it all. And the more you cover, the more you can save. Amica. Empathy is our best policy.

Hi, this is Joel. And Matt from the How to Money podcast. We're almost out of the cold winter months, and the way I plan to help myself make it through is to think of the great travel I have planned this summer, like the road trip I want to take with my kids out west. I'm going to take the whole month off, head towards Seattle for my cousin's wedding by car. I'm already plotting all the way to Seattle.

all the different airbnbs we can stay on along the way nice i think that's a great idea there's nothing like a cross-country road trip during the summer months and staying at airbnbs is a great way to experience all the different towns and cities on the route plus while you're gone for this long stretch of time you could also be hosting guests in your home on airbnb making some extra money in the process i was an airbnb host myself for a while and i loved it

It was easy and it gave me the chance to make some extra cash. And now hosting your home is easier than ever on Airbnb with the co-host teacher. Access a network of high quality local co-hosts who can help you handle everything from getting your home ready to helping your guests once they arrive with whatever they may need. Find a co-host at Airbnb.com slash host.

Can we talk about relationships a little? People have followed you finding love first on The Bachelor, then on The Bachelorette, you know, and you were engaged and that didn't work out. Right. And then you found love again. Yeah. And that didn't work out. Right. Which, by the way, is absolutely okay. Totally. I'm with you. We have to try things on first to see how they fit. You know, when I was like single and in my 40s, I went through a number of

let's call them ill-fitting relationships. And I learned so much about myself and I feel like you are, you know, you are living that right now. Yeah, I honestly...

I go back and if I could talk to that ex that absolutely broke me, I would thank him because that alone, that one breakup made me think I can get through anything. Anything. Yeah. Through, you know, between losing my best friend and the guy I thought I was going to marry, I was like, okay, I didn't think I could get through those two things. And I,

I came out of it more spiritual. I came out of it much stronger and knowing myself a million times better. So now I just think like,

the relationship that ended from The Bachelorette, I had a hard time with that one, but again, not as bad compared to that breakup from The Germany Times. And I went, this is awful, but I'm going to get through this and I know what I deserve and that wasn't it. And then the second one was like more of, if I'm being completely honest in this moment, I think I was caught up in everything this guy was doing

Because he was everything that one wasn't. And I just thought, well, he does this and he does this and he has this on paper. And the internet seems to support us. And I kind of like fell into my own little trap of what was real and what wasn't. And I think that I changed a lot through that relationship. I think that person changed tremendously through the relationship. And we just were not compatible at all whatsoever at the end. And it was...

Yeah.

You're preaching to the choir. Yeah. I'm just like, it scares me now because I'm just like, you know, you think you know somebody and you think it's right. And three years down the road, that person could not be right for you anymore. And it's scary. Do you think you give in to, I call them my non-negotiables, right?

Like I made a list of what it was that was just not ever going to work for me in a relationship, what I didn't want. And I was, you know, being very specific and kind of like, whoa, I'm really narrowing this down. I don't know who's going to fit into this category, but have you done that? Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh. And I laugh every time at my list because –

It'll be like, no more bachelor guys, Caitlin. Oh my God. Okay. I'm so happy to hear you say this. I'm really feeling like you need to go elsewhere to find a love. Okay. Or that. I honestly don't know. I just feel like I have a list, like obnoxiously long list. And some of them I go...

Caitlin, like don't, you can bend on that one, but I'm just like, am I making it too hard on myself? Wait, wait, wait. What's one you could bend on? Like, I don't want them to have a podcast. I feel like the podcast actually like tore us apart in my last relationship. Okay. Get a guy that doesn't have a podcast. It's not that hard. Every guy has a pod. I feel like every, you know, that trend where people would be like, hey, there's a guy without a podcast. And you're like, where? Because every...

He has a podcast, which I love because I love the podcast community so much. But I'm like, why is that? Why is that on my non-negotiable? I guess because I have trauma from it. Yeah. Yeah. I feel you, though. I was married to an actor for a long time.

I'm always around actors and I was trying to make the actor thing work, but it did not work for me whatsoever. Yeah. You probably have this common bond with somebody if they're in the same industry as you and you've been through similar situations and you do. It's exactly that word. You bond over it and then...

It's like, oh, they understand me and I understand them. And I don't know. You get a little fooled. Yeah, you do. I feel like I've been bamboozled in the past. Bamboozled. That's such a good word. You've been so open though, like with your journey to love and breakups. How are you feeling about another relationship? Will you let it be in the public?

I probably won't until it is like, you know, I always talk about the foundation of a relationship. And in my last two, the foundation was built on trust.

Like in front of people. And I just feel like I really would like to try a different approach this time. And although I am, I kind of find myself feeling guilty about that because I do share so much. And I do feel like that's part of who I am as an open book and sharing everything and not caring what people think. But when it comes to...

uh, dating right now. I just, I just feel like I want to keep it so sacred. Um, same thing with my, my house. I, you know, I thought about doing this big house tour and showing everybody. And I'm like, I think I'd like to keep my like relationship, that part of my heart and my home sacred for me right now. And, um, not open it up to, um,

even though it's so much love and support and joy, there's a lot of criticism and I'm just like wanting to, to just build this healthy foundation first. And then I'm sure eventually I would share, but, but in this moment right now, I think I want to keep it to myself. Yeah. I think your instinct is absolutely right because you're right. Being sharing and being open is such a beautiful, vulnerable quality and,

You have to honor that in yourself, you know? Yeah. I just, I'm like, you know, when you see people online where you're like, and then they break up and you're like, what? And it's so shocking because you like were inspired with them. You look up to them. And I have to tell myself, just because like, even in my other relationships that I've shared online, those things still happened. There was still those moments that we shared, but there's always something. Absolutely. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Yeah.

And I just, I think that's part of a relationship to me feels like I need to put all beautiful things out there because I don't know if people want to even see messy things like that or be like, well, why are you sharing that? So I feel like, you know, right now let's just keep it all to ourselves. I like that idea. We do. Do you think that any of your relationship ups and downs have changed your outlook on marriage in general?

Maybe, you know, not going public is a step in the right direction. But I just like I really do.

I was never one of those girls that grew up being like, I can't wait for my wedding day. And like, I was always like, oh my gosh, really? Yeah. Yeah. But I think you're like me. You love love. I love love. I really do. I am a sucker for it. I really am a sucker for it. Me too. And so I do like the idea of marriage. I do like the idea of having a family. But I don't know if anything's changed. I feel like I still have the same like,

Sometimes I think I need to soften up a little bit on, because I do love love, but I try to be too tough sometimes. And my friends always call me an undercover softie because I act so hard on the outside with like, yeah, I don't know if I want to get married, but they're like, you are a lover. Like I really am deep down. And I just think I've always...

I don't know. I think I've always had the same beliefs and thoughts and ideas of what love is. It's just I think I've maybe gotten more secure in my own self so I can talk about it differently now. Yeah. I mean, I'll say this with all sincerity. I know it's hard because I've been through it all. Yeah. When you go through all of that heartbreak though, how do you –

choose love again? I don't know.

I honestly, I don't, I wish I had an answer. I don't know. I feel like I talked about that this past weekend at this. It's like an intensive, it was so beautiful. It was so cool. It was so scary. It was so messy and great and lovely. Sounds awesome. Yeah. But I did talk about that. I was like, you'd think the older you get in the more wisdom, the more heartbreak and the more lessons you would feel more confident going into another relationship. But I actually feel like

um I'm more confident in myself and I'm less confident and more insecure about real love and I think that's okay because that's where I'm at right now and that's where you're at yeah and I still like I feel like I'm always this walking contradiction I have so many different thoughts at the same time so many different beliefs so many ideas and things that I go why I just said the opposite and then I'm saying this and I do it all the time but I'm like that's just part of who I am and I I'm

I just have so many different thoughts around relationships and love that I actually don't know how to answer that question because I don't know how to believe in it again. I just, I do. I just don't know how to explain it or do it or I don't know. I think you're exactly right. You are in this space of loving yourself right now. And in order to do that, you have to be all in, you know? Yeah.

You don't need somebody else's opinions or parameters defining you getting to love yourself. Yeah. I've been there. It wasn't until I was after my second divorce and I had been with him for a long time. We had three beautiful kids together.

And it wasn't until after that that I started to do the journey and started to do the work and find who I really was because I had no idea. And it was in that.

That I fell in love with myself finally. And all I wanted to do was hang out with me. Yep. And like my dogs and my kids. Yeah. And then that seemed like, and I know they've said this before, but that is when it happens. Yeah. I believe that. I totally believe that. And I think, I think, um,

Finding somebody who's also done the work and been through their own, you know, things is important. And I just, yeah, that's, I mean, that's shown up in my life right now. I'm not, I'm not, not dating. I'm, you know, I've, I've,

I've been consistently on a date with somebody and I'm just, you know, that's like as much as people know. And it's really like kind of helping me believe in people again. I think that's also my problem. I think it's not even love. I think it's humans. I grew up in such a loving environment with people.

true friends and I think real people real people and I think going on TV and being in a world of social media has rocked my world with trust issues and using the word bamboozled again like where you think you know somebody and their intentions aren't what you thought and it's just like it rocks my world so I don't even know if it's about love I think it's about people and I'm just like kind of what you said I'm like how do you leave this hi I have a dog with me too right now it's

It's just the best. It's the absolute best. And especially dogs, because my friends and family always laugh at me because they go,

babies dogs and old people are like your three favorite things because they can't hurt you and i was like that's so true it's so true i think that's an okay list of things people to hang out with and i don't i don't even stop at dogs i'm like i want a horse now after this last weekend i'm like i am destined to to have a horse all the animals i just love it that's so great

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all the different Airbnbs we can stay on along the way. Nice. I think that's a great idea. There's nothing like a cross-country road trip during the summer months, and staying at Airbnbs is a great way to experience all the different towns and cities on the route. Plus, while you're gone for this long stretch of time, you could also be hosting guests in your home on Airbnb, making some extra money in the process. Uh,

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Um, I've, you know, what's so funny is I've, so I live in Nashville and I've never dated. Like I haven't been on a date with somebody here. Nope. We got to go to New York for that. I feel like, I feel like there's, or Canada, good ones in Canada and New York. Um, I've only heard through the grapevine of friends dating in Nashville that it's the worst, but I'm not sure why. Um, I feel like Nashville is, um, uh,

the new LA. Like it's a mini LA. Yeah. I feel like Nashville is starting to do LA better than LA does LA. It's full of LA guys. Yes. Yeah. It's full of musicians, two categories that are dicey. You're right. It's the, yeah. And everyone's here just to like live out their dream of being a musician. So yeah, I don't, I have heard it's rough out there. Yeah. I don't envy you.

I've already said if I have a divorce from my husband now, which I hope that doesn't happen, I will absolutely live the rest of my life just with my animals. I fully am going to Doris Day it. Just move out of town. Honestly, I think about this all the time. I'm like a ranch in Montana with animals sounds like – Dreams. Yeah, right up my alley. Absolutely. Okay. You know how patterns repeat themselves in relationships? Yes.

After you've been in and out of relationships, good and bad, you start to recognize patterns in other people. Like, have you been able to say, oh, look at this. Here are my patterns. Oh, yes. Oh, I – like –

I call it being an awareness hell after you do this therapy. Like it's almost, I'm hyper aware of my patterns and I work on them so much, but there's, it's like ingrained in me and it's, it's, it's wild, but I think it really does stem from, so my parents divorced and then I lost my best friend. So I think I'm just truly like,

terrified of loss. And so I find my pattern is to look, look for either the other shoe to drop or an out because I'm always having, you know, my guard up and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And I do feel like I punish myself by doing that. I find that and you know, it's another funny thing that I learned from being with a horse this weekend is I

That sounds so weird. So what I learned from being with a horse is I was trying to lead this horse and I was

pride myself on like being an animal lover and I'm like horses love me and so I was trying to walk this horse and the horse wouldn't go with me and she was like what what is coming up for you and I'm like I'm I'm being needy like impatient and needy where I'm like come on all animals love me like you come with me like you're embarrassing me and she was like does that come up for you in your life and I'm like

I think I have been needy in my past and I think the hyper awareness now of that being a pattern, I'm so the opposite where I'm like, I find the neediness embarrassing and I don't think it has to be.

It's kind of just like about being aware of it. But it was interesting that that came up because that's something that I've noticed in my past. Just like, even though I'm this independent, strong, you know, all this, but I can be really needy in relationships and that's when I start to lose myself. Yeah.

So I think that would be a pattern. But the biggest pattern that keeps patterning for me is probably the fear of loss and sabotaging it myself. Yeah. It's so interesting, your story, because you said when you were younger, you experienced these huge losses. And then your life's work has become to – you just have been sent more and more loss in these relationships that haven't worked.

And so something is really sending you a very strong message on what to focus on. Yes. And allowing yourself that grief.

Yes. It doesn't have to be so scary. Like I can, you will survive. And I've, I've keep showing myself that, but what did they say that like, there's some saying is like what you don't heal will be revealed or something. Like, it's just going to keep showing up until you heal that part of you. And then, and then what I'm like, well, if that part of me is healed, I'll just find something else to focus on. Yeah.

Nothing else to destroy. I know. There's always going to be work to do on ourselves, I think, until our last breath. Sometimes I'm like, oh my God, I'm so tired of evolving.

I know it's exhausting. It's exhausting. It's so it's I compare it always to I always try and think of my body as my home. This is where I'm constantly living. You want to take care of it, but there's always maintenance. Something will always be wrong. There's always going to be something you need to fix or broken wood on around the windows. You got to get it painted. Yes. No matter what, there's always something. And that's

also a blessing that I have live in a home, you know, that I can fix and take care of. And, and I have to treat myself like that too. Yep. Yep. Okay. You're going to be, uh, this big thing's coming up for you. You're about to enter your forties. Yes. In June. What, what's the date? June 19th. June 19th. Yes. That is a big milestone birthday. What do you hope to gain in your forties? And what do you hope to leave behind in your, from your thirties?

Okay. I hope to, I hope to gain a little more softness because I think, I think that's part of my life lesson is to soften and like even, even,

you know, when I think of myself and like you said at the beginning, and I'm, it's like my favorite compliment, if somebody says badass, like that still means that I can be soft, you know, like that still means that I can, and, and not that I'm not, I really am soft, but like embracing that. And I think I, I think I need to let go the fear of loss, like, and that comes in every form. Like I, I do grief counseling for when my dogs go because I'm so scared of losing them. Like it's,

And my best friend said something to me the other day, and I was like, whoa. She goes, do you think this is your last life? And I was like, why do you say that? And she was like, because I feel like you really are trying to find your life purpose. And she said, and you are so sad of loss and time, the passage of time. She's like, more than most people.

and she she lost the same it was our best friend together so she she's lost her dad she's had so much loss too but um she's like you take it harder than than most people i know and so i'm like oh my god is it my last life i have to figure it all out but i do that i don't think that has anything to do with it being your last life well i'm okay with it if it is because i feel like i'm i feel like this is a very good one and i'm happy with it um

And I do feel like I'm on this like quest and search to find like the meaning of life. And I love that. But I think I need to, with all this therapy I've done because of the loss and with seeing every single time how I get through it, I think I need to stop focusing on it so much. It's almost like I manifest loss because I think of it so much. I think I would like to loosen up a bit there and maybe leave that in the past and then gain in my forties. Oh my gosh.

I think I want to, the simple thing of, I think a lot of people are doing this right now is saying no to the things that like you don't really want to do. It's so hard. It's so hard. And I feel like, especially I do the comparison thing sometimes where I'm like, why am I not on that carpet interviewing people? Or why am I not doing this? Or why am I? And I'm like, I've actually created,

craved this downtime that I'm in right now for so long, for, I mean, so long, 10 years, I've been like, okay, go, go, go, go, go. And in my forties, I think I want to just like reap the benefits of the hard work and still work hard, but like kind of like take it all in, in my forties. Appreciate it. Yeah. Appreciate it. Yes. Appreciation is the same as gratitude. And I found so much peace in

In allowing myself to have gratitude because there were so many times in my life that I thought I was, in most people's eyes, I've been so lucky or I've had this life that I felt almost ashamed of it. Yeah. Yeah.

I understand that. I mean, you, you have had a really beautiful career. You're so talented and your, your voice is so soothing by the way, like podcasts. I'm like, Oh, it's just like, there's something very peaceful about your energy. But it's, yeah, it's, it's, that's, that's a good way to think about it is to appreciate that.

All the hard work and not that you're like, okay, I'm done here. Like you're podcasting is hard work. You know what I mean? But it's appreciating where you've gotten to and loving what you do. I think that's another thing. Like choose the things that I love to do. I love podcasting. I love...

Dogs. I love doing, I love sharing stuff on social media. I really do. I love doing it. I just, I need to cut back on the consuming of it, but sharing I love. Yeah. It's the consuming that gets you. Yeah. I just, I see myself in you so much. I think because you love so hard is the reason you grieve so hard at a relationship. Because I know for me, I'm the person that

hangs on. Like I'm the person that never wants to break up. And what can I do? And how can we work on this? How can we make it better? I know we can fix this. And because I am a very, very hard worker and I think if I put my mind to it, I can fix anything. And so I think that's why it's so hard for people like us that the grief is

And just how it really hits you hard. That's a good point. I don't know if I've ever put those two together that when you love hard, the loss is hard. Like that's a good point. Do you know what you are on the Enneagram? What's that?

Tell us. Oh, you need to do it. So Enneagram is actually so hard to explain. I had like an Enneagram expert on my podcast years ago to help me understand it. But it's basically there's like numbers one through nine, like a personality test. Yes. My daughter just told me about this. She's studying psychology. Yeah. Oh, cool. That's amazing. I know.

put me in touch with her. Um, and yeah, I'm, I'm a four with a three wing and I feel like there's so many similarities between us with that. Like I, I would be shocked if you weren't that because a four like really has big feelings, very sensitive. Um, that's just a couple there's like, there's good and bad to every number. Um,

but a three is also like a hard worker and a go-getter and the achiever. And, and I'm so a mix of those two things. And I felt validated and seen when I read those two types of personalities. Cause I'm like, why do I think I'm the only one out there that feels like this? I'm not, there's so many people that feel the same way. And it was just, it was really validating to read about my numbers.

Yeah. And what you were saying before, it's so, so, so important to remember that one, no is a full sentence. And two, you can be strong and still be soft. Like you said before, two things can exist at the same time. Yes. Like when I need to stop calling myself a walking contradiction, I'm just like the true definition of maybe five things being true at the same time. Yeah.

I feel like you're really curious. You're really curious about yourself, about relationships. Like I've always also said like I suck at relationships. I just – I can't do this. Like I am a person that cannot have a healthy relationship no matter what because I will do something to bust it open. Yeah. Yeah. Same as – and I don't – and just learning that about myself and then I'm able to sort of step back and watch –

When it's happening and like try to turn it around. Yes. I have out of body experiences sometimes where I'm like, I'm doing the thing. I'm doing the thing. Yeah. And there are like, obviously you found love and, and you know, there, there are,

people out there that see that as the beauty that it is. You know what I mean? Like that is, that's what makes you, you. Yeah. And yeah, I just, it's so important to me to have somebody that loves all the parts of me. Yes. Oh my God. The damaged parts, the parts that other people see as extra or too much. Yeah. I mean, I watched my mom be too much all the time and she's like one of the biggest inspirations to me.

Yeah. And now as you get older, you're like, she's not being too much. She's just being her. And that's so amazing. Yeah, exactly. She is so, and that like, I think she is going to live the longest life because she just enjoys it so much. Yeah. Yeah. I hope so. Okay. Before I let you go, Caitlin Bristow, what was your last I choose me moment? I would say this past weekend where I

I, you know, I, I have a little bit of guilt because my best friend in the whole world, it was her husband's 40th birthday. And, uh, I would have had to travel to Canada and I had to say no, because I had to choose me and go to this retreat that truly just, I, I, I was like, what more can I learn about myself? This is so fun. And I learned so much more about myself this past weekend. And, and, um, I just, I'm just such a believer in that kind of work. So, um, I think I really chose me this weekend. Yeah.

I love it. I love it. I love you. I think you're awesome. Thank you so much. And I just send you so much positivity and support. Same to you. I honestly do. There's some sort of special energy about you. And I mean that. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Thank you for having me. I really mean that. I appreciate it so much.

Hi, it's Jenny Garth. Feeling confident in my skin is non-negotiable, and that's why I choose Perricone MD. Perricone MD's triple retinol renewal face and eye serums are powerful but gentle, boosting cell turnover for visibly smoother, firmer skin. Since I've started using these serums exclusively, I've noticed that my skin is more radiant, it's glowing, and people are asking me more and more, why?

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So what really makes relationships last? On this episode of Dope Labs, poet and relationship expert Young Pueblo breaks down the psychology of love and provides eye-opening insights and advice we all need. You should not be postponing your happiness. Your greatest happiness is not necessarily going to like come from a relationship. Your partner should add to your happiness, but your happiness is really coming from within you. Listen to Dope Labs on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our iHeartRadio Music Awards are coming back Monday, March 17th on Fox. Starring Bad Bunny. Glorilla. Kenny Chesney. Money Long. Nelly. Your host. iHeartRadio. LL Cool J. Are you guys ready to have some fun tonight?

Plus iHeart Innovator Award recipient Lady Gaga. iHeart Icon Award recipient Mariah Carey. And iHeart Breakthrough Award recipient Gracie Abrams. Watch live on Fox Monday, March 17th at 8, 7 central.