Picking Up The Pieces
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Thursdays on ABC, get ready to move that bus. The beloved series Extreme Makeover Home Edition is making a triumphant return to kick off the new year. Join the Makeover mavens Joanna Teplin and Clea Shearer as they hit the road on a mission to transform the lives of deserving families. They have just four days to rally communities, demolish old homes, and rebuild not just houses, but

Thank you.

Only did the weight come off, but she also gained more energy to do all those activities that she loved the most. I'm all about feeling my best and living my life in a healthy way. It's incredible how science is able to help us achieve that healthy lifestyle that we are all striving for.

Future Health gives millions of people affordable access to knowledgeable providers who really know weight loss medications for less than $3 a day. Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in three minutes at tryfh.com. That's tryfh.com. Tryfh.com. Future Health is not a healthcare service provider. Meds are prescribed at provider's discretion. Results may vary. Sponsored by Future Health.

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Hey, it's me, Jenny Garth, one of your hosts here at I Do Part Two. We were talking with Dr. Hillary and there was just so much more that I need to ask her. So let's jump back into that conversation. The hardest part for me was the kids of it all. And just that enormous guilt that I was ruining their lives forever. And just, it was really, really hard for me. And I can remember the only thing, the only tool that I

heard from somebody along the way was I would say to them in those moments when they were showing me how hurt and upset they were, I wish I had a magic wand and I could wave it and everything would be okay. But I don't. I love that you said that. So you did have tools. That's a version of what I'm really saying here. And this is the hard thing as a parent that it's

is part of the decision to divorce, or at least had to agree to the divorce, is saying to our kids some version of, I can't fix it. It's the last thing we want to say to our kids, but the best thing to say to our kids. Their reality is that it's not okay. And they don't want to hear all the ways that it's okay. They want to hear that you get it, that it hurts, and that it doesn't feel better yet. Will it feel better? No.

Yes, absolutely. It will feel better. It will feel better tomorrow in a certain way, in a year in a certain way, in 10 years in a certain way. It will feel better along the trajectory, along the journey. We all know adults who are children of divorce and divorce.

They're okay. They find their way, right? But paradoxically, kids of divorce find their way much more easily if their trauma and their ongoing pain is honored and acknowledged and validated and discussed and not tried to make okay. Right. Because that's their reality. It's never going to be okay for a kid that their mom and dad aren't together. I mean, there may be exceptions where something crazy toxic was going on, obviously, but in general-

Yeah. I love that you said that to them. So you offer them something critical, which is I see you, I know, and I can't fix it. And I'm right here with you until it feels just a little bit better. What do you think about bringing the new significant other into

to a holiday gathering to meet your family for the first time. Is that appropriate or is that too much for the new person to handle, too much for the kids, the family to handle? Yeah. So if you come to know me, in general, I'm a clinician that likes to hold both sides and talk about both sides. I am not going to do that here. That is a hard no. Oh my God, I failed. Yeah.

I met my new significant other in the beginning of December and he was at our house for Christmas. Oh, man. Look, having said that, are there stories where...

In theory and in concept where I would say no and they work out beautifully, absolutely. I mean, I have clients who meet someone to introduce them to their kids like the next week, have them move in two weeks later and somehow the beautiful mess became loving. But let me tell you why I'd say no. And that is...

The introduction, it's really about the kids. If there's no kids involved, yeah. I mean, if there's no kids involved, whatever feels right to the adults involved, I think it's just fine. I may have like an opinion one way or the other, but I think it's just fine. When there's kids involved, yeah.

Because it bumps up against what I was just talking about, which is like something much deeper in our minds. We're like, whatever. It's like two hours over like a turkey and a couple of like eggnogs. It's all good. Other cousins will be there. It'll be like so fun. Right. But because it bumps up against this like deeper thing.

This isn't my dad. My mom is moving on. It sort of kicks up the like my mom and dad aren't together. Having your kids meet your significant other in a very small dose in a super chill environment is

is what I recommend as a first step. So like it's in neutral territory, you know, over a coffee or a quick ice cream, depending on age. And it's like an hour. And it's like the discussion beforehand is a version of what I was just talking about. Like, so you've known about Joe for a long time, but this is different. I,

I'm telling you, he's so important to me that I want you, who is the most important person to me in the world, to meet him. And that's a big message. Whoa, bring up a lot of feelings, you know, really. And it's adjusted for the kids 16 versus six, but you get what I'm saying.

So, wow, that's a moment. You know, how do you feel about it? Here's my idea. We're going to meet Joe at the yogurt shop tomorrow after school for an hour. We're just going to have an ice cream and you'll get to say hi and you can show him your picture.

favorite doll and then like that's it maybe we'll see him again another time after right and so that it's really low pressure it has a finite aspect to it and feels kid centered

which I think matters that it's like, I mean, you're not going to say what I'm going to say right now, but some version of like your comfort matters to me, your feeling state matters to me. So this is slow. This is intentional. This is no pressure. And the meeting itself is really more about Joe meeting the kids versus the kids just witnessing mom with Joe. Yeah.

in their new relationship. It's a way to like bring them in as a part of it, as opposed to just like a witness of it. Yeah. Because they are a part of it. Absolutely. That's the intention. And so slow rolling it in the way that I was just describing, I think sets up

the entire system for the most success, but particularly that relationship between the kids and Joe, because it doesn't feel like too much at once and like a here, he's here and accept him. Right. It's, it's the, the initial meeting is not about the kid witnessing your connection with Joe, but rather about Joe and the kids just getting to know each other and then the next time it's,

two hours, you go bowling. And then the next time it's a movie and dinner. And then from there, you're starting to expand. Again, this is super prescriptive. It can work in an absence of all of this, but from a clinical standpoint, now that we have the information we've been talking about, imagine what I'm saying makes sense. And that ideally, and if you're looking for like a little bit of a map, that's the one I would pick. That's a good map. Oh, I was flying mapless. Okay.

What do you think about people who have a checklist of must-haves in a partner? I know I, in my work after my divorce, I had to sit down and think about what was important to me looking forward into another relationship. And my therapist at that time called it my non-negotiables, where there were certain things that were very, very important to me to build that relationship on.

Exactly the phrase I was going to introduce as well, non-negotiables and just to think more about it for the folks listening. These are things that like, they're just deal breakers that have now decided post-divorce with

great intention and analysis you cannot live without. You cannot endure. And I mean, those might be things, anything from he lives a certain number of miles away to he does have kids, he doesn't have kids, to he cares about communication, to his adventurous lifestyle, whatever the things are. And that is personal and concrete. So

those non-negotiables, those deal breakers for yourself. And it sounds like you did in a way that is externalized. Don't let it be vague and amorphous. Like really decide what are those things. And if you sit down with your piece of paper or your friend or your therapist, I don't know. I don't know. Right.

or I think it's one thing yesterday and one thing tomorrow. That's okay. I'm not surprised. You just got out of divorce. It's dramatic. And you're trying to find your feet on the ground. So don't despair if you don't know, or it keeps changing, but don't give up on it. It's a process. And like we were talking about at the beginning, if you think your non-negotiables are these top three things, and then you meet someone and he has kids and you were sure you didn't

want to be with someone who has kids, but like all the other things are so important, let it be fluid. Don't make it...

all encompassing and all powerful in a way that disallows you to be a version of like contrived spontaneity, spontaneous, right? All those things to shift because you will be growing and shifting post-divorce. So start the process, but allow it to flow and shift and change and don't shame or criticize yourself if it does in fact expect it to. Yeah.

Yes. Should you tell the person about your non-negotiables or should you keep them to yourself? Yeah, it's a good question. I mean, I might not just like present it as like a list. Here you go. Okay. Read this and then just sign at the bottom that you actually read it. Yeah. Let me just text you this bullet contract. So I

If you are sure that you want to be with someone who is open to having children, that seems like a non-negotiable that is worthy of sharing. I'm not sure you want to use that as your date opener, but again, I would embody that truth even in that first meeting, certainly by the second meeting. And it's

And I would love for people to, when I use the word embody, it's very deliberate. I don't want anyone shrinking and like, well, I just kind of want to be with someone who has kids. I want you to sit in your truth and try it on. Yes. Even if it changes six months from now. I just know in this season of my life, I'm really clear. I want to be with someone who wants to have kids as much as I do.

It's just something I'm so clear on, which feels kind of great. Right? There's no apology. There's no further explanation. This is my truth. And if the person can't promise it or is turned off by that,

We can thank them for giving us this feedback quickly so we don't have to carry on any longer. And that might be complex and disappointing and feel rejecting and all those things. But if our goal is to be embodied, right, is to figure out what resonates for us and live a life that finally feels like it's uplifting and safe and grounded, we must put these things out there in this embodied way. This is my truth and I'm not going to apologize for it.

And I would attach that same mindset to really any non-negotiable that like, don't apologize for it. You know, I want to be with someone that wants to travel three times a year. I do. Might seem silly, might seem small, might seem nuanced, but that's my truth for now.

How do you feel about travel? Right? That you're just embodying who you are at this season and trying on how it feels to show up that way.

Thursdays on ABC, get ready to move that bus. The beloved series Extreme Makeover Home Edition is making a triumphant return to kick off the new year. Join the Makeover mavens Joanna Teplin and Clea Shearer as they hit the road on a mission to transform the lives of deserving families whose stories will truly touch your heart.

With the help of the design team, Ariane Belisere and Wendell Holland, they have just four days, a race against time to rally communities, demolish old homes and rebuild not just houses,

but lives get ready for those heartfelt moments filled with tears of joy as Joanna and Clea dive deep into the emotional journeys of these families, uncovering their struggles and beginning the healing process. It's not just about remodeling homes. It's about rebuilding hope one family at a time. So don't miss out on this incredible journey. New episodes of extreme makeover home edition Thursdays at eight, seven central on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. You won't want to miss it.

Thank you.

did the weight come off, but she also gained more energy to do all those activities that she loved the most. I'm all about feeling my best and living my life in a healthy way. It's incredible how science is able to help us achieve that healthy lifestyle that we are all striving for. Future health gives millions of

people affordable access to knowledgeable providers who really know weight loss medications for less than $3 a day. Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in three minutes at tryfh.com. That's tryfh.com. Future Health is not a healthcare service provider. Meds are prescribed at provider's discretion. Results may vary. Sponsored by Future Health.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, the

Does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us tonight. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That's...

The opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I had something so, it felt so insignificant, but to me it felt, it was important. I didn't want to be with a smoker. Yep. I didn't want to be with somebody who smoked and then for the rest of our lives was sick from it, always had that smell. Like it was really important to me. And when I met Dave, he smoked. And so I immediately thought, oh, well, he's not the one for me because he smokes.

Silly as that is. And I remember asking, is quitting smoking something that you might ever be interested in or open to? Do you want to smoke forever? What is it with you and smoking? Like I had to, instead of just shutting it off for myself, I had to do what you said, get curious and embody what I wanted, but at the same time, be curious about what he wanted so that I could get that solid information. Right.

I know. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You have to show up for yourself and it's not easy. That kind of self-advocacy is very vulnerable. It's scary. Yeah. And that feeling I want your listeners to understand is ubiquitous. There's nothing wrong with you if that feels scary. It is scary to stand in your own truce and declare them with risk, right? He could have turned around and said, I'm going to keep doing this. If that's a deal breaker for you, then-

I guess this is where we part ways. And that might've been devastating, right? But to pursue something that is like deeply resonating to our soul, which I think is the pursuit post-divorce, right? If we're going to get divorced and we're going to go through that trauma, we better be pursuing something that is like soul worthy, right? We better be. We're going to go through all of that. And so having a conversation like this, yes, scary, nothing wrong with you. If it's anxiety provoking, all you got to do is eke it out.

You don't have to feel confident about it. You don't have to not feel scared about it. You just gotta get the words out, right? Practice it until it starts to feel a little less scary. But I just love that word embodied. It's like just reflecting your truth and allowing for that to shift and change and be influenced by safe others and our own, you know, sort of growth. But that's the exact example. I, a version of the example I had in mind. I,

A dating coach said that you should only go on a date with someone once a week when you're getting to know them. Do you think that's a good rule? In spite of what I've just said about, I've said a number of things that are prescriptive. In this case, no. I don't like overprescribing things.

dating post-divorce, what it should or shouldn't look like. I think it induces a lot of confusion and shame and self-criticism. Look, in its extreme, if you're going out four to five nights a week and not getting a lot of sleep and drinking and...

In and around lots of different guys and that dynamic starts to feel like a little messy and overwhelming and the opposite of grounding. I think that's something to look at. That pattern probably isn't ideal in general and certainly not right in the aftermath of divorce, but I think having like a

Once a week is the limit. And if more, that's bad. If less, that's bad. It is overly prescriptive and not useful and ends up making people feel bad, which I'm not really interested in. Yeah, the rules of it all are not always, yeah. That's right. So again, intuition, back to like, yeah, so lately I've been going out two, three times a week. How does that feel to me?

Is it starting to feel like I don't have as much time for self-care or sleep or my kids? Yeah.

No shame, no criticism. Yeah, maybe a little. I wonder if I should try twice a week. I wonder what that'll feel like, right? You know, and just being curious as opposed to the rules, which I think end up feeling confusing and shaming. I mean, once a week, if you decide that and that feels right to you, that's great. But if you decide to do more when you're getting to know someone, I think that's fine. Look, there's the cleanness

cliche trajectory, which plays out often enough that post-divorce you meet someone and filling in space with that person makes you feel less hard things. And you aren't thinking about your loneliness and your confusion and your anger and your trauma and

We want to watch out for that. If we are unable to sort of reserve time for self-reflection, to feel all the messy feelings and the main culprit is dating and the time spent there, that's something to consider. Getting through divorce in a way that is healing and stabilizing requires time.

time to reflect and heal and feel all those tricky emotions. I don't want to equate it to like, so if you're going out more than once a week, that means you can't do that. I just want to be conscious about it. Am I giving myself enough time and space and mobilizing resources to help myself heal? And if the answer is no, or like a diminishing yes, we should look at that and eliminate the things that are, or at least modify the things that are getting in the way. Right.

Thursdays on ABC, get ready to move that bus. The beloved series Extreme Makeover Home Edition is making a triumphant return to kick off the new year. Join the Makeover mavens Joanna Teplin and Clea Shearer as they hit the road on a mission to transform the lives of deserving families whose stories will truly touch your heart.

With the help of the design team, Ariane Belisere and Wendell Holland, they have just four days, a race against time to rally communities, demolish old homes and rebuild not just houses,

but lives get ready for those heartfelt moments filled with tears of joy as Joanna and Clea dive deep into the emotional journeys of these families, uncovering their struggles and beginning the healing process. It's not just about remodeling homes. It's about rebuilding hope one family at a time. So don't miss out on this incredible journey. New episodes of extreme makeover home edition Thursdays at eight, seven central on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. You won't want to miss it.

The talk around GLP-1s is inescapable these days, but are you familiar with Future Health? They've made accessing qualified doctors who specialize in GLP-1s easier than ever before. My friend has struggled with their weight for many years. It was always up and down. She tried fad diets, never saw lasting results. So she started using GLP-1s and not only did she get better, but she also got better.

Only did the weight come off, but she also gained more energy to do all those activities that she loved the most. I'm all about feeling my best and living my life in a healthy way. It's incredible how science is able to help us achieve that healthy lifestyle that we are all striving for.

Future Health gives millions of people affordable access to knowledgeable providers who really know weight loss medications for less than $3 a day. Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in three minutes at tryfh.com. That's tryfh.com. Tryfh.com. Future Health is not a healthcare service provider. Meds are prescribed at provider's discretion. Results may vary. Sponsored by Future Health.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together on the Really No Really podcast, our mission is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why they refuse to make the bathroom door go all the way to the floor. We got the answer. Will space junk block your cell signal? The astronaut who almost drowned during a spacewalk gives us the answer. We talk with the scientist who figured out if your dog truly loves you and the one bringing back the woolly mammoth. Plus, is

Does Tom Cruise really do his own stunts? His stuntman reveals the answer. And you never know who's going to drop by. Mr. Bryan Cranston is with us today. How are you, too? Hello, my friend. Wayne Knight about Jurassic Park. Wayne Knight, welcome to Really, No Really, sir. Bless you all. Hello, Newman. And you never know when Howie Mandel might just stop by to talk about judging. Really? That?

The opening? Really, no really. Yeah, really. No really. Go to reallynoreally.com. And register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. It's called Really, No Really, and you can find it on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaking of rules, what do you think about books like The Rules or Men Are From Mars and Women Are From wherever other planet? I can't remember. Venus? Venus. Yes. Do those kinds of books help?

Well, look, I mean, I think some of those concepts were created because of patterns that repeat over time. I mean, none of us are strangers for the idea that like men and women oftentimes think differently and are more or less emotional about certain things, et cetera. So I think having like a language to talk about it is, it can be useful, like with ourselves, between friends, with the

partner. So they have utility because they make those things concretize in a way that like we can wrap our brain around as opposed to just like the feeling of all those experiences. Having said that, I think dialogue and conversation and nuance and like the self check-in pattern that we're talking about is your best tool, not a like,

chapter three page, you know, let me just hold on. Let me look at that chapter. This is what must be happening. Instead, look within yourself. What is happening? What do I understand about it? How does it feel in my body? If it's confusing, can I say more about it? And what's ever going on with the person in front of us being able, I mean, it depends on the situation, so I'm overgeneralizing, but to do a version of what you said you did in your circumstance, like 100%,

huh, I'm feeling this thing or I'm thinking about this thing. Like, I just want to say it out loud. What do you think? You know, that we...

If we get our head too into books or like Instagram quotes or it can feel very confusing and overwhelming when the answers eventually come within ourselves and in dialogue with our potential partners. And if our potential partners are unable to sustain a dialogue that is deliberate in a respectful, digestible way, we need to think about that. If you've broken up, if you're going through a divorce,

And you're having trouble, you're having a hard time getting over your ex-spouse. What should we do? I mean, what questions should we be asking ourselves so that we don't stay stuck? Like that's the worst when you just can't get over it. Yes, yes, yes. It is the worst. It's deeply painful to go through all the things that we're talking about and still love the person. Especially if that person...

is already dating someone else, moved on. Yep. It's devastating. And I'll start there, and it's not a pleasant concept to consider, but it's like a death that induces an incredible amount of grief and all of the stages that go with grief, all the anger, all the denial, all the bargaining, all that stuff that is a little bit cliche, but

Like, oh, so true, you know, and there's no avoiding that.

There's no amount of like dating or bashing him or therapy or whatever other tools you might mobilize that can be a shortcut that you're going to mourn it. You're going to grieve it and you're going to feel the things. And that season of life is a little bit of a dark night of the soul, right? It is really, really, really hard to get through. So paradoxically leaning in, here it is. Here it is. I

I'm leaning in and I'm taking care of myself in every way I can think of and not expecting it to feel like better or okay in the short run. And I'm like allowing myself to sit in it so that as it begins to pass through, which it always does, I remind clients all the time, name a feeling state you've had that hasn't changed eventually. Yeah.

No such thing. It does change. It does change and morph eventually, maybe not tomorrow or even like six months from now or 12 months from now, but it does shift and change eventually. And so it's about sitting in it, allowing it to come up and out from your body in a safe way. And just like I said, curating and cultivating as many resources as possible as you get through it, being really kind and graceful to yourself. And when you have time, I shouldn't say time, when you have space to,

To start gently thinking about why this person is not a safe choice for you any longer, right? And if the only thing on the list is because they don't choose me, that's enough. That's not a safe choice for you anymore. Even if everything else about them is amazing, which is usually not the case, but even if it is...

That renders it an unsafe choice for you. And that doesn't mean it's easily accepted, but it's something to start orienting yourself around. I can't choose who doesn't choose me. I can't invest in something that isn't reciprocated and gently starting to understand the part of you that's willing to do that for two or three years.

It reminds me just like this hard, this hard truth that I had when I was going through it was the therapist saying, Jenny, why would you love someone who doesn't love you back?

And that resonated for me in my times of missing and wanting and attaching to things. I would say that to myself and I would be like, I would hate hearing it. Then it started to become like, okay, this is a feeling. It's going to pass. This is temporary. I know this only lasts for like three minutes, this intense feeling of hurt and pain. And then I would replace that with,

He is not an option for you anymore in my mind. That is not an option. So look somewhere else. Yes. It is a deeply painful process to not be chosen. And there's no way around that. But yeah,

recognizing that truth and building a relationship with it is critical because we can't let ourselves orient our heart, mind, body, soul to someone who doesn't choose us. It's the ultimate self betrayal. Yeah. So, um,

It is with great care that we continue to like gently pick ourselves up and place ourselves on another path because that path, we don't get to be chosen. We don't get the love that we deserve. And it's like with great sadness and despair to remove ourselves there, but we must. We must. We must survive. Yeah.

I love our conversation. Thank you so much. Oh, such a pleasure. Such an important conversation you have. Yes. Thank you for being with us. Yes, of course. That conversation with Dr. Hillary was so incredibly helpful for even me. I've been divorced for 10 plus years and I got so much out of it. And I really hope that everybody listening who is in the position of thinking about a divorce, in a divorce, just had a divorce,

I hope that you got some really good info from this pod. And I just, I know you can do this. You will get past this and we are here to help you. So please, please, if you wanna call us for advice, 1-844-4IDOOPOD, that's 844-443-6763. Or you can email us at idopodatiheartradio.com.

Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at idopart2pod. And be sure to check out all the information in our show notes. Make sure to rate us and review us. I do part two and I heart radio podcast where falling in love is the main objective.

The talk around GLP-1s is inescapable these days, but are you familiar with Future Health? They've made accessing qualified doctors who specialize in GLP-1s easier than ever before. My friend has struggled with their weight for many years. It was always up and down. She tried fad diets, never saw lasting results. So she started using GLP-1s and not only did she get better, but she also got better.

only did the weight come off, but she also gained more energy to do all those activities that she loved the most. I'm all about feeling my best and living my life in a healthy way. It's incredible how science is able to help us achieve that healthy lifestyle that we are all striving for. Future health gives millions of people a

Thank you.

I'm Jason Alexander. And I'm Peter Tilden. And together, our mission on the Really Know Really podcast is to get the true answers to life's baffling questions like why the bathroom door doesn't go all the way to the floor, what's in the museum of failure, and does your dog truly love you? We have the answer. Go to reallyknowreally.com and register to win $500, a guest spot on our podcast, or a limited edition signed Jason bobblehead. The Really Know Really podcast. Follow us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.