I Was Diagnosed With ADHD
42:06 Share

Okay, girlies, we've gone for a little bit of a cozier vibe tonight. Okay, welcome to Pretty Lonesome. I look like I'm about to tell a horror story and it's because I kind of am. I'm sorry if this is a weird setup. I wanted us to be cozy and have a little date night in the car, but honestly, I don't know if this is what we're always going to be doing because I don't know if I like it. Honestly, I'm kind of scared, but...

Drum roll, please. What happened to me today, which was I went to an ADHD assessment. Full transparency, I didn't think they were going to tell me my results on the spot, but they did. So that was kind of ghastly. But it turns out, now I don't know if anyone could have guessed, but I have got ADHD. Yeah.

Congratulations me. Honestly, big relief because when I first thought about the fact that I might have ADHD and I'll talk about why, but when I first thought about it, I was like, oh my God, I really obviously don't want that. Like I don't want to have anything that might make my life more difficult. But then I dwelled on that thought some more and I was like, actually might be kind of good if I do have it because that means that I'm not just like this for no reason. There

Then like the week leading up to this appointment, I was like freaking out because I was like, oh my God, actually, what if I don't have ADHD? And it turns out I'm just really fucking lazy. But turns out I have it. And I forget he said there's three subtypes. And he told me that I'm the one where there's like no motivation. And I don't really understand why.

like a whole lot about ADHD yet. Like I don't really, I've not done my research, but I'm going to. So let's talk about why I thought I had it. So I have this friend and she's like a lifelong childhood friend, right? Well, she's actually my sister's lifelong childhood friend that I then later also befriended because turns out we're exactly the same fucking person. So we probably met when we were like six or seven. She moved in on my street and then her and my sister became friends because they're the same age and I'm a year younger than both of them.

And I didn't really know her as a kid. Like, she was just my sister's friend. Our parents, we later came to find out, to basically have meetings about us as children. And they would say they thought we had the same wires crossed. Because when I tell you, and I only obviously found this out as an adult, but me and this girl have had the same issues our whole life. Like, niche issues. And as teenagers, I kind of knew we had the same problems because...

We won't dive into it, but they were very obvious. You know what I mean? And I knew that she was doing what I was doing. And I was like, oh, yeah.

matchy-matchy and I remember one day I was in one of my worst phases I was like 15 I was an absolute fucking nightmare and I walked downstairs and her parents were in my kitchen and I was like that's weird and it's because they were basically having an intervention on the both of us because neither of them could cope with me and this other girl so we naturally became good friends in adulthood because I

Every conversation that we would have, it was like, oh my God, you're reading my fucking mind. And like, I've never met someone that thinks this same way as me and has the exact same struggles and also can suggest things

like, coping mechanisms because, you know, I would have figured this one thing out where she was struggling and she would have figured this one thing out where I was struggling, then we'd share ideas, we'd take notes, right? We'd exchange notes. And then at one point, she went off and got tested for ADHD and turns out she had it. And she was like, by the way, I've got ADHD, so you should probably think about getting checked. And I was like, that's ridiculous. I don't have ADHD. She was like, bitch, we're the same. Of course you have ADHD. And I was like, you are correct. We are the same.

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Mejuri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online, or visit the website to find a store near you. This episode is brought to you by Joiba Bubble Tea. If you thought bubble tea was just a trend, think again. In fact...

Now you can have it in the comfort of your own home. I have seen it all over my TikTok page. Ooh, bubble tea. Ooh, ooh, ooh. I'm like, okay, what is this? I need to try it. All of my friends are now drinking it. Joiba bubble tea comes in several delicious fruity flavored tea combinations with popping boba, like strawberry lemonade green tea and mango passion fruit green tea. Enjoy your popping boba moment anytime, anywhere with Joiba bubble tea. Follow Joiba.

Joyba on Instagram and TikTok at joyba.fun for fun giveaways and to find a retailer near you.

So it took me about a year of not really wanting to know because I was like, well, do I want to know? Or do I just want to deal with myself holistically? Like, do I just want to, will a diagnosis, will a word help me solve my problems? Just knowing it has a word to it or do I just need to deal with it? Like, is it going to change anything? So it turns out, yes, I have ADHD.

And the friend that I'm exactly like, I'm going to have her on this podcast. I've been begging her, like ever since I knew that Pretty Lonesome was, ever since it was a twinkle in my eye, I said to her, you need to come on my podcast. Like, I'm actually begging you. Like, we'll have a glass of wine and we'll just sit in my car and we'll talk because this is all I do with this girl. Like, every time I see her, we just sit and gab for hours.

hours and she is so soothing to me because we're the exact same fucking person but she's a little bit smarter than I am and she's a year older so I still feel like she's my big sister's cool friend so when she gives me advice I'm like taking the advice whereas usually I don't take anyone's advice but I kind of take hers which is kind of nice so the reason I actually decided to give a fuck enough to get a diagnosis was because of this job because

specifically this podcast, because it was a nightmare. Like, and not even just for me, but for the people that I'm working with on this project, it got to the point I felt so fucking bad for them having to tolerate me, my inability to get shit done, my

horrendous organizational skills. It looks like I'm being rude. It looks like I don't care whether or not I respond to an email or a text or whether or not I get something done on time. And it's like, no, I care. I care so much that I actually haven't been able to eat breakfast because I have a to-do list. And that to-do list is not going to get done. It's not going to get done because for some reason I can't do it. I can't move. I can't do anything. I didn't brush my teeth last night. I'm still wearing my makeup from three days ago, in fact. And so, no, I can't reply to your email. I also can't eat breakfast. And I just freeze. And I told...

the psychiatrist, I was like, I just go into these modes where I freeze. And so I was like, okay, I really need to figure out if

this is a me problem or like a solvable, not so much personal problem. And turns out it's the much preferred latter. There's medication for this. So I'm very, very happy and I'm excited to kind of learn more about how my brain works. Like I'm glad this is a thing where it's like, no, this is how your brain works rather than like you actually just don't care about other people and you don't care about your emails. Like it's kind of a relief.

because I understand very little about ADHD, but from what I do kind of understand, it's something to do with dopamine levels and like your reward system, is it? I could be chatting out my arse, I think I saw one TikTok that said that, but anyway, I'm excited to learn a little bit more. Something that pissed me the fuck off during the, um,

test thing was all the questions I see why women are diagnosed less now my god because a lot of and listen this isn't to bash men but it also is absolutely to bash men so many of the questions were just things that someone who is socially self-aware and high functioning are never going to do

One of the questions was like, do people frequently describe you as being like irritating to talk with or like rude in social situations? Like, do you talk over people? Do you constantly interject when it's clearly not welcome? Do you, you know, will you disturb someone's task just to tell them something? And I'm like, no, but absolutely. Do I have the urge to? Yes. And do I stop myself doing it constantly? Yes. Now, would a man do that? No.

No. So would a man answer yes to that question? Yes. Am I going to answer yes to that question? No. Then I said, listen, I absolutely, like my brain all the time tells me, just interrupt, just interrupt, just say this, just talk when you're not welcome to talk, just talk way too much. Like, hence this fucking podcast. But like,

I'm just not going to do it because I have an extra filter in my head. And like that filter is just a social awareness. Maybe boys lack, especially young ones. And it's like, I so see why it's easier to diagnose men and why so many young women get missed in all of these fucking screening processes because no, I wouldn't do that. And when I told him, listen, I feel that way, but I don't physically do it. There was only like three options for him to take on his little questionnaire. He was like, so would you say...

Often, sometimes or never. And I was like, no, like I'm actually a multifaceted human being. Does your questionnaire not account for that? And of course, no, it didn't. But I was honestly a bit miffed because I paid an absurd amount for that. I paid a thousand pounds. I don't even want to say that, but like a thousand pounds for that.

what the fuck is it called consultation maybe it was 800 actually because I did the zoom one which was cheaper but I paid a lot of money for it I even thought because there were so many questions like that where I was like I know a man would say yes to this and I feel the same way but I just don't do it so I'm gonna have to say no to the point where I even thought I don't know if he's gonna diagnose me with this because I've been saying no to so many things but I know that habit or that impulse is in my head and it exists in my body but I just don't follow through with it right so

And I was like, but then maybe that just means I don't have ADHD, you know, like maybe everyone feels that and everyone has that same filter of no, I'm not going to do that anyway. It kind of pissed me off. I was like, damn, like this is so and I get it if you're you're super, super, super ADHD, maybe you wouldn't have that filter that lets you not do it. You know what I mean? Maybe you would be compelled to do it regardless. But it was just a lot of things I was like.

If it was between me and a man and we had the same level of ADHD, would he answer yes to this question and I would answer no? It's likely. Like, it's more possible than not. Just a lot of the questions were very heavily based in social awareness and how you would come off in, like, almost like manners. You know what I mean? Like...

do you often stand up when you're expected to be sat down socially? No. Do I want to stand up? Absolutely. Do I stand up? No. There's no box to take for that. And it was really frustrating.

So anyway, this is actually really cozy. I hope you guys are enjoying this because I am. So a lot of the questions that he asked me about my childhood were very enlightening. And I'm going to share with you because then maybe you can reflect on your own childhood. And then maybe you'll realize that you need a diagnosis as well. Because I was struggling so much in my adulthood, like all through university, I was just absolutely incapable. Because I think there's, from what I understand, three types of ADHD and two of them. One is like the one that

I personally thought was ADHD, and I feel like it's the same misconception for a lot of people, that one kid in your primary school or... What the fuck do Americans call it? Middle school, high school, the kiddie school. I don't know what you guys call that. Anyway, the one kid that could never fucking sit down and they would be kind of fidgety and blah, blah, blah, and everyone knew them as the kid with ADHD, right? That's what I thought it was. But then there's the other one, which is you have no motivation and you kind of freeze and you don't do anything. And it's lack of...

Lack of something. So there's like hyper and then there's lack of. And then for medication, there's one that's a stimulant and one that's a non-stimulant. So he was like, you need the stimulant because you're not doing anything. And I was like, yes, correct. So I suffered my whole life because of ADHD and now looking back on it and I've reflected on this all day. That's why it's nighttime now because I did this. I had my diagnosis done at like, I don't know, midday, one o'clock, 1.30 was my appointment. And it's now like really late at night and we're doing this episode. So I've been reflecting on it all day because I wanted to have some coherent thoughts. And all through ADHD,

university, I thought I was just depressed. And that's why I couldn't do anything. That's why I didn't do my work. So I didn't go to my classes. And that was largely why. Like, I really was very depressed. And I really, really struggled at university with my mental health. But also, there was a lot of times where things were okay. And I wasn't super depressed. I wasn't super anything. And I just could not

figure out I just couldn't do my work nothing could have compelled me to have done that work you know what I mean and I fell so far behind and I've done that consistently throughout my life so he was asking me these questions about my childhood and

And I didn't think that I exhibited any symptoms of ADHD as a child. I was like, no, it's purely adulthood. This is why I think I'm just lazy because I was not an ADHD child and I'm not an ADHD adult. I'm a lazy adult and there's something wrong with me and you should slap me on the wrist for even thinking I have ADHD. I'm trying to excuse my poor behavior. And he was like, were you often late to things? And I was like, yeah, I was late to everything. Duh. And he was like, okay, did you ever hand in your homework? I was like, no. There were many interventions held

with me and my mother over my homework. And she even left one of my parents' evenings laughing because it was my fourth teacher of the night, fourth and final, and every single teacher had gone in on me for how I had not done my homework and how they just didn't understand why I wouldn't have my assignments and they'd given me so many chances and so many extensions and I still wasn't doing it. We get to the fourth teacher.

And she's so rude to me and my mum about she just doesn't get what's wrong with me. And my mum and me, we do this thing where we will start laughing. And when we start, we're not stopping. Like if she's laughing inappropriately and she looks at me, we're done. And we've been kicked out of therapy for this before. Like I know it's bad. Like I know if this happens, it's bad. So I'm sat there, my teacher's yelling at me. I'm in a bad fucking mood or whatever. I think my mum's going to kill me. And what do I hear?

I hear her go, my heart sank. I was like, no, she's not fucking doing this right now. I side-eye her like this. And she goes... And I knew it was over for me right then and there. And my teacher's just looking at her like, surely not. Surely this mother is not laughing in my face when I'm clearly concerned about her child. My mum snorts. She ends up having to genuinely stand up and excuse herself from my parents' evening.

She pushes her chair away, hunched over. At this point, I'm looking at the floor. I'm like this because I know if I look at her for one split second, I'm gone. Like I will start howling with laughter. So I'm like staring at the floor. I'm using every ounce of energy I have on not fucking laughing because once I let one thing out, like it's over, it's done. One little and I'm gone. So I'm staring at the fucking floor. I'm hearing my mom excuse herself. She's pushed out her chair. She's tucked it back.

When I tell you she walked out the room, audibly laughing, this is a full room. By the way, my entire year group is in there waiting for their appointments. She excuses herself, walks out, hee hee hee, under her breath. What the fuck?

what the fuck and I remember hearing the door slam behind her and laughter coming from the other side of the fucking door and my teacher just glared at me because this woman hated me we had even had an intervention me and this one specific teacher with the entire head of department and head of year where they basically were like you two just need to get on

better. Like they tried to make me apologize to her for something that I had done, which I hadn't actually done. She had basically pulled me aside after school. And I was 10 minutes late to our after school pull aside. I don't know what she wanted with me, but I was 10 minutes late. My bad again, ADHD bitch. And she says, I despise you for wasting my time. Genuine words, despise. I'll never forget it. It's burned into the frontal cortex of my brain. Despise.

Yes, and I was so upset by this that I told my best friend. I said, could you believe she said that she despises me? What a bitch.

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. Anyway, I go home and I flippantly mention it to my mom. I said, yeah.

she told me she despises me didn't think anything of it like I did not want my mum to do anything mum emails the school love mums for that and um accidentally cc's in the teacher on the email thread with one of my nicer like head of mental health for my year group or that person right cc's in the

teacher that it's about, who then accuses me of lying. And then they held an intervention where I had to apologize for lying. And I said, absolutely fucking not. Because I tell you what, I wasn't lying. And also your pasta necklace makes me feel physically sick. I didn't say any of that. I just sat there and cried until they let me go. But I didn't say sorry. So I won. Yeah. And she lost her job two years later. Don't know why. Anyway, we've got sidetracked.

What the fuck was my point? I've struggled with organization my whole life. I think that was my point. Like the more he asked me, the more he was like, were you late with things? Were you late with homework? Were you good at school? I was like, well, no. But again, that's my fault because I am just a sucky person. I just suck. He was like, no, you've just got like a deficit in your brain. You just need like medication because you don't have the correct like dopamine thing. So I was like, oh, well, it sounds nice when you say it like that. You know what I mean?

So that was like a pleasant surprise. And now I'm reflecting on all these many, many experiences that I had. And I'm like, oh, and he even said at the end, he was very sweet. He was like, you know what? I think as someone who's gone their life up until this point undiagnosed,

You've actually done a very good job at mitigating, is it mitigating or mitigating? I never know, the stresses that this deficit can bring to your life. And I was like, really? Because I went to seven different schools or eight different schools because I was so mentally unwell. And he was like, well, I didn't say that to him, but I did tell him about the eight different schools. And his eyes kind of just got wider and wider as I took him through the treacherous tale of my life up till now. And he was just like, okay.

I don't know, honestly, I don't think he needed the questionnaire. I think he had made his decision after the first 20 minutes. I think he was like, yeah, this bitch has the... There's no abbreviation for it. I guess it is abbreviation, but you know when people say they have autism, they say the tism? I don't think there's no good alternative for ADHD. Like, I want to say I've got the D, but that doesn't sound good. So anyway...

So aside from being very bad at organizing things and all those like very typical anecdotes from like ADHD, the one thing I fucking hate about it is the way it makes me go into what I call pause mode. And I'm going to do more research on this and find out what the fuck it is.

because my friend who also has ADHD, the same girl that is exactly like me, she does this thing too where she goes into pause mode. That's what we've dubbed it. Well, it's what I've dubbed it. And the thing is as follows. We will go into a mode that I refer to often as rotting. And this is why I say my friends are rotting girls. And I was deepening that term today because he said, do you struggle with depression?

And I said, no, not really. Like, I've definitely had phases in my life where I would say I was depressed, especially at university. But I'm very lucky. Every depression phase I've gone through has been very circumstantial, right? I've lived in a horrible place. I've been actually having a terrible time, right? I've been at university in a damp house with no sunlight and I'm miserable and I have reasons to be miserable. And then it just spirals into a depression and I don't get out of bed for months on end and I...

rot right but generally I don't feel that I am somebody who could say I suffer with depression consistently because I feel like every time that I have been quote-unquote depressed it's like well yeah I mean I don't blame you you haven't seen the sunlight in four months and

and is that because you're depressed or are you depressed because of it again questions for the gods I could not tell you but I do feel like my baseline state is relatively happy and I know like I suffer with panic attacks I suffer with anxiety I can say that with my heart soul and chest like I that is my thing would I say the same about depression no I feel like it's something that I've struggled with on and off but it's not something that I think about when I think about my mental state like when I think about what is it that

I feel it kind of defines me. Panic, anxiety, it's not so much depression. Granted, the last few months for me have been really hard and I've not been the happiest that I've been, you know, ever in my life. Like it's, I've been going through a breakup, I've been going through various other personal situations and it's just like, yeah, no, I've not been at my best, but I do this all the time. This isn't circumstantial. This is how I behave and I don't enjoy behaving like this. I don't like living in filth. I don't like not getting out of bed until 2pm. I don't like

smelling rotting food next to my head every night when I go to sleep because I've not been able to clean my room for so long and there's dirty dishes and dirty coffees and like I don't like this and I think it's ADHD and I think I go into these phases where I'm overwhelmed and

And I shut down because I have tasks that I need to complete. But for whatever reason, my brain is not letting me complete them. And then I get so overwhelmed with the stress of knowing I'm not doing the things that I need to do that I need to then take time off. But then what I do is I don't take the time off.

and I lay in bed not taking time off but not doing anything either. And what I should do is say to my team or whoever I'm working with or whoever is working with me, hey, I'm so overwhelmed right now. I'm going to take three days off or I'm going to take a day off.

and then what I should do is clean my environment, take a bath and sit there and intentionally not do anything. It's when you're not intentionally doing nothing and you're just doing nothing and stressing out about the things that you have to do, that is not relaxation. I know it feels slightly better, but it's not. You're stressing yourself out more

Because you're laying there, not affording yourself time to actually rest. You're just laying there worrying about the tasks that you have to do while more time passes and the stress increases and the pressure increases with every second that you're not doing the thing. But you're not giving yourself any fuel to be able to do the thing by laying there and rotting. And that is what I fucking do.

also just I need to change my living environment because like I said I still live with my mother and actually today I placed an offer on a flat because I was looking at my room and again the state that was on in my Instagram and I was like this like it's still exactly like that if not worse because it's been a few days and I've not cleaned it at all I've just added stuff to it so I was like I need space I need my own place I really need to get out of my childhood bedroom I

just can't see it's doing me any favors right now and so I have put an offer on a place I don't know if I love the place like it's kind of small I don't want to pay for something crazy and I don't know I'm very very very very money conscious and spending money makes me genuinely feel very sick but it it's nice like it's a living room dining room situation and then it's a one bed no storage because it's in London so you don't get that but it has a balcony for my dog and

So what more can you really ask for? But it's actually like it's a cute place because there's a lot of places that are like bigger, but they're dingy. And then sometimes you get like a smaller place that is really like

stylish and I think that's kind of what it is like it's kind of stylish like if I get some art and I like put it on the floor because I saw in the reference but no one cares but I saw in the reference pictures of the flat that the previous owner had art on the floor and it was really nice but I think that changing environments for me is the first step to becoming a better version of myself and then getting on some fucking medication um I've never taken medication in my life I don't know I think I grew up with a very medication conscious mother

because my mom is a baby of thalidomide. If you don't know what that is,

You could Google it. It's basically like it was a morning sickness pill. And then so my grandma took it when she was pregnant with my mom. And then my mom subsequently did not grow arms. Well, she grew some arms, just not full arms and not really hands. And then there's a whole group of people with as the little my babies. And it ranges in severity of their birth defects. So my mom is one of those. And she has spent her whole life campaigning to basically get some kind of compensation from the government because the government controversially

what's the word? What's the word? Like they kind of knew what it was going to do to the babies, but they gave it out anyway. Because back then you didn't have to test the same way you have to test now. And actually, I should really know this, but I'm pretty sure thalidomide is the reason that we have the testing that we have now. I think that's why you have to do human trials now. I'm pretty sure. So naturally, my mother is a skeptic of medication. And so growing up,

she didn't let me go on anxiety medication and that was the best thing she could have done for me and I genuinely mean that now I suffered in my whole teenage years and I think maybe at some points medication would have been good but what it meant was I faced it head-on and for me personally that was the best thing that I could have done because the specific thing that was causing my anxiety needed to be dealt with head-on otherwise I was literally going to spiral for the rest of my life

And I would have become very, very, very dependent on medication. So I'm glad that for me, she didn't let me go on it. But it's kind of like ingrained itself into me as an adult that I'm also a bit of a skeptic about like mental health medications. And I tried anti-anxiety medication like, I don't know, five or six years ago. And I absolutely hated it because it flattened my sex drive out. And that is something I will trade for nothing.

Truth be told, I am actually very shocked at the diagnosis because and I'm kind of sad because I'm like, if it wasn't for the Internet, I literally never would have known because I feel like there's such a misconception around it. Like I remember one of my exes from years and years ago, she had ADHD.

And she was your classic case. Like, obviously, she was diagnosed from a very early age. So we all knew she had ADHD. And it was, you know, it's really cute. Like it was like she was very, very quirky. We'll call her quirky because I don't have that many good things to say about her. So we're going to go with the quirky line. But so so when my friend was like, oh, I think you have ADHD. I was like, I'm nothing like her. Don't ever suggest that. You know what I mean? Like I hate any idea that I could be anything like her. Also,

Also, because when we broke up, she did me for filth. And again, we're going to talk about that in another episode. She did me beyond wrong in that breakup. And when I was absolutely spiraling and I was so crushed and so heartbroken, I tried to give her every excuse I could because I was so in love with her. I was so desperate to find a reason for why someone could hurt me like that, how they could possibly do that. I was

really trying to excuse her behavior because I could not come to the terms with the fact that she just did that because she doesn't fucking care and because she's a bad person. I just did not want to come to that conclusion. Ultimately, that was exactly the conclusion I fucking came to, wasn't it? But I couldn't at first. And so, and by at first, I mean for an entire year post-breakup, like I spiraled out of control. Oh my God, it was really bad. Anyway, one of the things that I ended up Googling on one of my many binges on Quora Digest was that ADHD people can have some

really intense emotions and that it's a lot more than just like impulse. Well, it is about impulse control, I guess, and how they can have a problem with emotional permanence. And this is something that I will also talk about in relation to myself. Emotional permanence and regulation is, I think, effectively kind of the idea that

that when you feel sad, you can't ever imagine being happy again. Vice versa, when you feel happy, you cannot possibly imagine how you could ever be sad again. And for neurotypical people, I think that's like a...

a no-brainer but I think for a lot of people it can be that can be a really confusing feeling of like because I even experience it like whenever I'm happy I genuinely cannot imagine being sad it's like when I'm hungry I can't imagine ever wanting to stop eating um and then it's like your eyes being bigger than your stomach but in emotional form like when you feel sad you just don't think you're it's ever gonna end and you cannot imagine a world in which you are ever happy again and I put it down to this is what my ex essentially was feeling and

And then it's been interesting because I know about that because of her. I was like, oh my God, is that what I do? Like, do I also have that? And is that because of my ADHD? And it's just been so interesting. Like there are so many new words to put some rhyme and reason as to why I do the shit that I do. And I would not say I'm impulsive. One of my little strategies lately that actually is a really good strategy is

for ADHD, but also just life in general that I implemented and it really fucking worked. When bad things happen to me in my life, like a breakup or like any unfortunate personal situation, my mechanism to cope with that is shut people out.

So like my best friend Millie, she's kind of the opposite. She's really a girl's girl. Like she'll lead on her girlies or her family. Like she's, I've never felt like I'm banging on her door trying to get her to talk to me about a hard situation going on in her life. Whereas I feel like she does that with me a lot. And I know this about myself. I know that when hard things happen, I just disappear because I don't find other people that comforting. I mean, I do and I should, but at the same time, I just want to

when bad things happen I just want to disappear I just want to make a little hole in the ground and I want to sit in it and I just want to cry and I want to be alone and I want to indulge in that sadness so much it's something really toxic that I do I will feed into it I'll listen to really sad music I'll be in that emotion for so long and then I kind of get stuck there and then it gets to the point where I'm tired of being stuck there and what I have to do

is very much scoop myself up off of the floor. You know what I mean? And it got to a point where it was affecting the flow of my life because at a point where I was super happy and things were going really well for me, I would feel discontent because I would be like, but I know when something bad happens the next time because it's inevitable, I'm

I am going, this is all going to go away because I'm not going, my life, it's not linear. Like I get so isolated and I get so unhappy and I just cope so badly with things that I know I'm going to get to another phase in my life where I lock all this, like I shut all of this out and I'm going to do that thing again. So it's like, it's kind of like in a toxic relationship, right? Yeah.

If you've ever been in one, you'll know what I mean. When you're laughing with this person, but they've really fucking hurt you, they've done something really terrible to you and you're sat there and it's a good day, you're having a great day and you're laughing and you think this is so great. But in the back of your mind, you just can't really enjoy the moment.

anymore and you just don't find things that funny anymore because you know they've done this thing to you and you know that it's not actually a good situation even though the joke was hilarious and you're laughing and things feel comfortable in that moment you actually know I'm in a bad situation right now and

yeah it's nice right now but I know it's actually not nice and that's kind of how I was feeling about my life in general I was like I know I'm having a good time right now but I know something's gonna come up and I know I'm gonna treat myself like shit when it happens and I know it's gonna be another really hard time for me because that's how I cope when bad things happen and it interrupts the flow of my life and I can't keep letting it happen and what I did was when I was going through my recent breakup I very intentionally did not let myself rot because I was like I I

I'm not in a phase of my life where this is what I deserve to be doing. Like I deserve to be grabbing life by the dick right now and I'm going to lose myself and I'm not going to do it and it's not okay. And I just don't want to have to scoop myself up off the floor anymore. I don't want to get to the point where I'm laying down and dying over something sad.

it's not fair to myself I'm just tired of picking myself up off the floor and so I want to get to a point where I have strategies that I don't ever get on the floor in the fucking first place you know what I mean or at least very infrequently get on the floor where it's like a once every three year kind of thing you know so when it happened I was like listen as much as I don't want to fucking see anyone right now I don't want to tell anyone this has happened I don't want to talk to anyone about it

I am going to do the absolute opposite of what I want to do. So I made sure that I informed my best friends and I made sure that I was talking to them about it. And what I actually did was it was New York Fashion Week, like maybe a month after. So it was still pretty fresh and fresh.

I have a friend in New York and I said to them, do you want to come to Fashion Week with me? And do you just want to like sleep in my hotel the entire time? And I was there for two weeks. I was like, you just want to be with me 24-7? And they said, yeah. So they were just always with me.

So I would go back to my room after a very long day and I just needed rest and I needed silence. Like the days at New York Fashion Week were so long. I've never experienced anything like it. And I would be so tired and so drained. But they would have just been doing not much all day. So they were ready to talk and they wanted to go get dinner and...

It was the best thing for me because it meant that I stayed on this level. And rest is important. And we slept at night, so I was rested. But it's like, there's also another type of rest that's important. But I felt like I needed to do this for just these two weeks of like, don't stop. So I stayed more at like this kind of level rather than going like this and then up and then down. Like I just kind of...

And it was unpleasant at times because I was like, oh my god, right now all I want to do is lay here and sob. And all I want to do is not fucking talk to you and not put on a friendly face or like... I don't know. But then we would just start talking and I would just be like, no, I'm so glad they're here. Like, I thought I was going to be too tired. I thought I was going to be ratty. But ultimately...

Every time we would sit down and just have a conversation, I was just happy to be having that conversation. I was just happy that someone was there. And I am someone that needs downtime, so I wouldn't opt for that like all the time. But it really helped me get through what I knew was going to be a hard little stage.

Especially being in New York, I knew it was going to be tough for my head. And I actually bothered to do something to mitigate that. And I am so proud of myself because usually I will just take the easy road and be like, no, I'm going to dwell on this. I'm going to feel like shit. And, and

and I'm going to do the unhealthy thing and I'm going to order fast food and I'm going to sit in my bed and I'm going to not shower and I'm going to do all these things that are easy for me to do. But I didn't. And as a result, I was so much happier by the end of it. And I felt supported and I felt loved and I didn't feel insane. And yeah, it was still hard, but I didn't have to pick myself up

But I didn't have to pick myself up off the floor at any point. And then by the time New York Fashion Week was over, it was Milan and Paris. And I flew through those and I was so just in such a good mental space. And I made new friends. I met new people. I even went on a few dates. And I was just so happy. And I don't know if that's an ADHD thing. I don't think it is. I think that's just a life thing of like,

Sometimes you can't let yourself fall into the abyss. And I have a real big tendency to fall into the abyss. I would love to just have the peace of mind of knowing when things are going good for me that I have the means to sustain that. And that nothing can come in and knock me off of my feet. Because it's a really scary feeling knowing...

that you're knockable. Like, I remember the first time I was so knocked by a breakup. I really hope no one will ever be able to shake me like that again.

Because I wouldn't be able to live a happy, normal life with the knowledge that I could go back to being how I was or how I felt or how I behaved during that period of my life in the aftermath of the breakup. Because that was so terrible and it took absolutely everything from me. And it's like an important thing to know that you have the ability to live a consistent life.

even when hard things happen to you. And that's a skill that I'm only just learning. And it's really exciting to finally be figuring out how to do that because I feel safer in my everyday life now, feeling like I actually kind of have my back and I can do hard things to ensure that I'm OK rather than just doing the easy thing and then really suffering as a result of it. And inviting my friend to Fashion Week was

was a display of that to myself and also a show of respect to myself because I definitely disrespect myself a lot in my personal life. But that was kind of like a display of like, look, I'm respecting you again now and I'm actually doing what's best for you rather than what feels good or what's easy. And it just translates in so many ways. Like I've grown a little bit with my best best friend Millie lately, like

experiencing what I've experienced in the last year and not blocking her out of it and bringing her along for that experience makes me feel safer because there is a consistent in my life and it's her and it's always been her and I hope with some luck that it always will be she is the only truly consistent in my life like I mean obviously other than like my mom and my sister but like

She is the most consistent person. And like I know no matter what bullshit I text her with of like this just happened to me or I just did this. She is always going to be there with a calm head and it makes me feel like I can get through life.

And I kind of want to take the consistency that I feel in that friendship and be able to give it to myself by knowing that when bad things happen, I'm going to still stand on my own two feet. I'm going to do things that benefit me and I'm going to get through them and I'll never be knocked like I was in that one relationship four fucking years ago.

And you know what? I don't even have any animosity. Like, I don't have a single ex that I genuinely dislike. No, that's such a fucking lie. I dislike a lot of my exes, but I don't hate any of them. The one thing that I've learned about hatred, and I've learned this definitely the fucking hard way, is that it only does a disservice to you. And it's only going to eat you alive. It's not going to eat them. And so I've really had to work on, like, forgiveness. And it is not easy. And maybe that's what we can talk about next week.

forgive don't forget bitch and the thing is also forgiveness will also only serve you and it should only serve you because when someone does thing something that needs forgiveness in the sense that you also cannot go back to them right like they're done they're gone and you have to find a way to forgive them in spite of their absence their lack of apology their lack of change behavior whatever when you have to find it purely within yourself to forgive them for your peace and

That is a challenge and it's taken me years to master, but I reckon I have mastered. In fact, I know I've mastered it. Yes, I have. We'll talk about it next week. That's it for this week. Thank you. I'm fucking freezing cold. I'm so cold. I'm in just a t-shirt and this blanket that I had to shake out to check there weren't any Spideys in it.

Anyway, thank you so much for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. I will be back next Monday with another episode. Maybe we'll talk about forgiveness and anger and bad breakups because I've had a few. I mean, it completely changed me as a person and I've had to find so much forgiveness. So we'll talk about that because now I'm all riled up. I might have to film the episode right now and put it out two weeks from now. Anyways.

I love you guys. Thank you for coming. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. I'm absolutely freezing. I'm going to go inside. Or maybe I'm going to go to McDonald's. No, I'm not. I'm going to go inside. Thank you guys for coming. I'll see you next week on Pretty Lonesome. Okay. Okay. Love you. Bye.