Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Hey guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. You've caught me on a good day today because I had a therapy appointment, which means I have things to talk about.
This was my second appointment with my new therapist. And I like her because she's hip and cool. Actually, she's not. No, she is. What if she sees this? No, she's cool. She, my old therapist was like a 70 year old man. And my new one is like, I'm going to say 40 year old woman. I've only seen her twice. And I've never been honest with a therapist in my life. I lie to them. I don't know why I do it. Like I'm paying. I don't know why I'm lying. But this one,
I made an agreement with myself. This is why I got a new therapist because I was lying to my old one so much and I was in such a deep web of lies. I was like, I have things that I want to tell you about and talk to you about because I'm struggling. But then you're going to know that I've been lying to you for the last eight months and I'm embarrassed. So I can't tell you. So I got a new one that I can just be honest with from the start and not be embarrassed. So the first time I saw her, it was one of the worst days of my life.
That's a bit too much. No, yeah, it was a top 10 worst day. I'd say it makes it up there. The way I felt was bad. Like I did not, I was not, we weren't good. So I rock up to her, to the appointment. And I think she's expecting someone kind of coy, like you usually would be on your first meeting with a therapist. Like you're not going to tell them everything on the first session. Like you need to build trust. You need to figure out if you even like them. I literally sat in her chair
And she didn't even get a word in edgeways. She was like, so what's been bothering you? And I was like, well, let me fucking tell you what's been bothering me. And then I did my soliloquy. And then she was like, okay, well, let's do a second consultation in the new year. I was like, okay, second interview, got it. So I went today. And again, not a word in edgeways, not one. I talked and talked and talked. And it was so funny because at one point she interrupted me and she's like,
Last week, when I asked you about this person, you called them a colourful character. But that's not what I'm getting this week. This sounds, I think she said it sounds like a difficult relationship or a deeply stressful relationship. I said, exactly colourful. That's exactly what I meant. Anyway, it was a very interesting session.
And one of the reasons that I was inspired to get a new therapist, other than the fact that my old one was literally not helping me, was a conversation I had with my friend. I talked about this in my last vlog, but...
I said to my friend one day, just like flippantly, I just like worded something well and it struck a chord in us. I basically was saying to her like, I'm so sad because I'm in my 20s and I've always looked forward to these years of my life. I've always looked forward to being in my 20s, my early 20s. And I'm here and I'm doing these amazing things and I'm living an amazing life and I'm dragging my fucking feet from place to place. Like I'm having an amazing life and I'm doing it miserably.
what the fuck is that about and I said this to her and her literal face dropped and she was like oh my god you've just made me feel sick she's like because me too like I'm I'm doing things but I'm doing them miserably and I was like and if it was up to me I like I said in my vlog I would have just like said that and then continued doing it and been like he
Like I can vocalize my emotions so well and I can tell you exactly how I'm feeling and I can like sound like I know exactly what's going on. And then the logical thing after hearing me speak like that would be like, oh, she must be fixing it or solving it. No, like I'm just aware of it. I'm not going to change it. But it bothered her so much. She was like, I can't believe this. And she actually off the back of it started to change her life in like quite drastic ways, actually. Yeah.
She started to like make changes because she was like, oh my God, you've made me feel so fucking sick. Like, I think she stayed up that whole night being like, oh my God. And then I was like, oh, you're right. We probably should change this. So I have been making changes to basically stop being
a miserable version of myself because the better my life gets for me, I go out my way to make my personal life a living hell. And I've always done this. It's like if I feel well within my body and I'm happy and I don't have any brain fog and I'm eating well, I'll go out and I'll buy a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even fucking want a cigarette. I do this all the time. I
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joyba on Instagram and TikTok at joyba.fun for fun giveaways and to find a retailer near you. I don't really drink anymore. I do drink sometimes. Literally the last like three episodes I've been drinking, but like I typically don't drink and I'll be like doing really well. Haven't had a drink in ages and I'll be like, I should go buy a bottle of wine.
Why? Like that is the dumbest shit ever. And I do it all the fucking time. And you know why? I think it is a form of self-sabotage. Or it could be like almost like an addiction. Like, oh, I'm so used to being uncomfortable that I don't know what to do when I'm comfortable. So like, let me go give myself nicotine rush and a panic attack. None of which I want, but I'm going to go do it. And I can't stop myself. Like, what the fuck is that? Because I'm not, it's not even like I'm addicted to smoking like
If I feel like shit, I don't even want a cigarette because I already feel like shit. The second I start feeling good, I'm like, hmm, a panic attack sounds good right now. You know what'll give me that? A cigarette. So I'll go get one. And then my mouth tastes like shit. I stink. I feel horrible. My skin gets bad. And I'm like 10 pounds less wealthy. I once had a therapist and I told him that I do this. And he was like, you know what? I actually think this is healthy for you because I
What I do is I have ADHD and I either can't do anything. Like I have two different states with my ADHD. One is I can't do anything. I can't function. Literally can't even respond to a text. Can't brush my teeth. Can't make myself food. Completely useless human not contributing to society in any way. Or everything is done.
ahead of time everything is pristine i brush my teeth seven times a day my clothes are folded they're washed i do my skincare i buy new skincare i go on walks i take i go jogging i go to the gym i text my friends back immediately i put all my notifications on my phone back on i unmute everyone in my contacts do not disturb doesn't even exist to me i only need eight hours of sleep to function i'm awake i'm bright i'm smart i have ideas i'm creative i'm
There is no middle ground. If I stay in the happy place for too long, I burn out so fucking violently that I will be in this place, the bad place, for an extended period of time. Like, this is like a severely extended period of time. And I know what it is. It's burnout, but it's like ADHD burnout. It's like, I didn't actually do that much to burn myself out, but like, I burn out so bad. So I think my theory is, and this is what my therapist was like, I think it's good that you
allow yourself like obviously he wasn't encouraging me to smoke this is when I used to like smoke smoke but he was like yeah like it's okay that you smoke and it's okay that you do these things because when you're in this state of like super productiveness you need a piece of this so that you can kind of reach this like middle ground of like I can still do this thing and this thing and have them together and then maybe I don't ever have to reach crazy ends but I don't think he was right I lived under that rule for ages and
Actually, it wasn't his rule. It was my rule that I told him and he was like, you know what? I was going to tell you to do that, but you've kind of just therapized yourself. And I was like, you're fired. But now I've like reached a point where I'm like, no, this is actually ridiculous. Like, I don't know why I do this. Like over Christmas, I've been the healthiest mentally that I've been in. I'm going to get a solid two years props because I've been going insane. Like before Christmas, I was an insane version of myself.
I was not pleasant to be around. And then I took a break over Christmas and it rejuvenated me. And then the first day that the corporate world came back, I felt this, we'll call it rage, bubbling in my chest. My phone was pinging and I immediately felt so overwhelmed that it turned to anger. And I was like,
you know what? Fuck this. I'm not doing this again. I can't go. I can't burn out again. Not on January the 3rd. Like that's insane. That's just like a bad omen for the rest of the year. So I took to my diary and I started writing down all the things that worked for me over the Christmas break. What made me feel good? Well, I saw my friends a lot. I had my car. I drove around a lot. I ate semi good food. I wasn't spending my money too much. I...
Oh, I cut out all criticism. Guys, you know, my last podcast when I was like, I'm going to stop being a bitch. You know what? I'm actually not a bitch. I like take back everything I said in that video because that was like criticism from a bitch. And it wasn't even me that was being the bitch was them. I take it back. I'm actually not rude. They're just insane. I'm actually really nice. No, I'm kidding. I can come off rude definitely in social situations because like
I do do the thing where I don't say hi to people. Yes. I cut out criticism over the holidays because I have a couple people in my life who like to point out things to me about myself. And normally I appreciate it and I like it. I feel like this is an obscure relationship to have with someone because if anyone else told me that they have someone like this in their life, I'd be like, what the fuck? Like, cut them off. But I don't know. I feel like it's part of my job almost to have someone that criticizes me. So I appreciate it. Like, I...
I know I want to learn how to conduct myself better socially because it is a part of my life that matters. Like I feel like I do. Yeah, anyway. But I was like, you know what? Stop it. Over the holidays, because I was such a low version of myself. I was so down on myself. I was so miserable and self-loathing that I was like,
If anyone criticizes me, I'm literally going to go insane. Like I can't hear one more thing. I can't hear anything. I was so sensitive. I was like, no one say anything to me. No one speak to me. And I cut it out and my confidence went up so much better. And I, here's the thing. Oh my God, this is kind of sad. I feel like this is actually what I was...
I made a whole TikTok video about this and then I deleted it because I was like, this is too deep for TikTok. What the fuck am I doing? But it was basically a video and I was alone on New Year's Eve. And so I was saying, let's share our highs and our lows. And then I never put it out. But let's do it now because it's so fun. But the point that I was making in the original video that I filmed was the low of my year. And I was basically saying...
That I basically just like lost myself in 2023, but not my sense of self. No, yeah, my sense of self. But it was more like I stopped being a friend to myself. Like I was my biggest bully. The last six months of the year, I was literally...
Like if anyone spoke to me the way that I was speaking to me, they would have been cut out in a heartbeat. I was being so mean and nasty. And the one thing that's always got me through like any hardship that I've had in my life was that I can always like come home to myself at the end of the day and be gracious with myself and be empathetic and like meet my needs and or at least, you know, love myself and be comfortable with myself. Like I was someone that I always looked forward to spending time with.
with me. Like I was enjoyable for me to be around and be with. Like I laughed at my own jokes. I loved getting coffee with myself. I just loved being alone. Like I've always loved my own company. And towards the end of 2023,
I could not stand this bitch. I did not want to be with myself for a second. I was bullying myself. I was being mean. I had no empathy for myself. I had no grace for myself, no space for myself. I was horrible to myself. And then I literally like realized, I was like, you are your only friend in the world. Like this is something I truly believe. Like I have great friendships. I have great people in my life, but the only person I can rely on
literally till death do us part is me. So if I'm not even on my own side, who else is like, no one else has your full best interest at heart because they shouldn't, they should have their own. And that doesn't mean they have to go against you, but like, come on, like you have to be your own best friend. And I was not, I was not close. So I was like, okay, something needs to change because the situation is literally going to have me like, this is going to kill me.
So that was when I got my new therapist. And that is when I started to take note on why I felt better over the holidays, what relaxed me. And it was, it was spending time with friends, it was having my car, it was not being in the city. It was eating a little bit better, a bit healthier, having some semblance of a schedule, waking up early, but not early. I mean, waking up by 10am. It's either I wake up at 6am or 1pm in my life normally. Again, two extremes.
I never do things like in the middle, but a good 10am like that worked for me over the holidays. I think it's very important to be self-aware about when you're in a good or a bad space. I think what it came down to for me was, do I want to be successful or not? Do I want to enjoy my life or not? Because it was that bad. Like, do you want this or do you not? Because like you're not
you're not doing anything to create a good life for yourself right now. You're bullying yourself, you're letting terrible things happen to you in your personal life. You're, you're literally acting like, I don't know, it's like I had everyone's best interest except mine. I was giving everybody every bit of energy I had, and then saving literally none for myself. And I don't, I mean, I do know exactly why I did that. But that is not for a podcast. But like,
It just got to a point where I was like, what the fuck is this? Like, it's affecting my income. It's affecting my relationships. It's affecting the way I treat my loved ones. Like, this is bullshit. Like, this isn't fair. And then I had to get a little bit angry on my own behalf, like do the whole self-righteous thing of like, hold on.
And it's all weird because it's all like, it's like me versus me, evil me versus nice me. Anyway, I don't know. But in 2024, I am bringing back self-awareness because I literally stopped being self-aware. I used to have a diary that I would keep almost every single day and I would write in it how I was feeling. I'd manifest. I just like complete self-observance. And then I think I burnt myself out from it. And I was like, I never want to observe myself again. I'm bored. I hate this. I've burnt out.
And then I was like, I'm going to indulge in just living blindly for a while. And then I'll go back to the healing self-awareness thing when I have the energy for it again. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions...
Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women. In 2020, the brand launched the Mejuri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals.
Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. For me, the first thing that goes wrong when I'm on the path to the bad space is, I think it's, you can always tell if I'm not responding to my phone, it's not good. Like,
The thing is, I get so overwhelmed by my phone. I fucking hate my phone because it's I spend my whole life on it. I work on it. I play on it. I keep my friendships on it. Like it's the most overwhelming object. I hate it. Like also it's like my friends will be messaging me like, oh, my God, like this happened, this happened, this happened. And then in another group chat right above it, I have like three things that I need to do for work and like six people trying to reach me. And I'm like,
Both of you, fuck off. Like, I can't respond to either of you because I'm stressed about the fact that I have to respond to both of you. I have to do the work and I have to respond to my friend.
And for some reason, it's like, because you guys are in the same location, I can't do it. If my friend was in my living room telling me, oh my God, this happened, I'd be like, oh, no way. Then I would get on my phone and do my work. But it's like, because you cross over in the same place, I'm like, oh my God, there's so much to do. I can't please everyone. I'm just going to please no one. And I switch off my phone because I get overwhelmed. And it's like,
If I want to relax, then I have to go on my phone. But if I'm on my phone, then I'm in my office. And if I'm in my office, then my friend's text is also right beneath that. And it's like, I just get... If I don't respond immediately, then the stress of that, I know in the back of my head, oh, I need to respond to that text. And then that stresses me out enough to the point where I'm like,
I can't respond to that text now because I've thought about it for so long. I've thought about it for six hours. And then it's a day later and I feel bad about the fact that I haven't responded, which stops me responding. You'd think it would do the opposite, wouldn't you? No, not for me. Like then I can't respond. And then I just get deeper and deeper and deeper into I've not responded to anybody in three or four days.
And it's terrifying. When I'm in the bad place and I'm going back to the good place, it tends to happen very quickly for me. Like there are things I can do to help me get there. And they're the obvious things like you can clean your room so that it's like if I set up myself a success for the next day, like my room is clean so I don't wake up and immediately see filth. And I've got food in the fridge so I have no reason to not get up and look forward to making breakfast. Or
I don't know, I've cleared one space on my table for me to go and sit and work. Like little things help me get back on track. And then when I get back into the good place, I can't ever imagine being in the bad place again. I'm like, no, why would my productivity ever end? I'm on top of this. All my emails are answered. All my texts are answered. Like everyone is taken care of. Everything is good. Like I'm back on track. I've caught up with everything.
I have a schedule. I'm like, I'm not going to get overwhelmed. I'm not going to get overwhelmed with work again because I have this schedule that I can just keep to. I write a schedule and it never works. I always go back. I always fall back into this pit of I literally can't do anything. I can't move. I can't do anything. So that's why I observed myself more intrinsically over Christmas. And over Christmas was the first time, by the way, guys, where I have actually had thoughts in my head
in the last six months. That's why, like I filmed two vlogs because I wanted to because I was like, Oh my god, like life is fun. I'm a human being. I have thoughts and I have things to say. And like, this is just fun to film and fun to edit and fun to make and I have time on my hands. But there's things that could put me more easily back in the bad place, which is like, not responding to texts, not responding to emails, because I'm can't be asked, or I'm just doing something with my day. And I don't want to respond to them just yet.
And then that's fine once. It's fine for one day. And then before I know it, it's been three days and I still haven't responded. And now people are like following up with me and I'm stressed and then it's overwhelming and then boom, bad place. I don't know.
But I do think a change of scenery helps. I think leaving my flat where I'm all by myself all the time and going back to my mom's house was good for me where there's a house, she has a garden, I can park my car right out front. There's no stress. I can get in my car, I can go get coffee. I can live that independent life that is just not like
possible in London like if I want to go anywhere I'm gonna have to call an uber and then I'm gonna have to walk three minutes away from my flat to get in the uber and those are such small things that aren't hard but if you're in a state of like depression and like oh my god I can't do anything and like just to go and run an errand is like gonna not only cost you money I mean assuming it's not within walking distance which nothing in London fucking is but
It's just like you just such small, stupid, tiny, irrelevant things that actually aren't hard to overcome at all. If you're in a good space, build up and build up and build up until I literally lay in bed and I'm like, I'm not even a fucking human being anymore. So like I said, I think a change of scenery can be good if you're in a slump, which is why I've booked a flight to LA and I'm moving there for two weeks. I'm going to LA because I have a brunch. So I'm going for two weeks.
And then I'm flying from LA to New York because I have a dinner. So I'm going there for two weeks as well. Love being a girl. Basically, I'm looking forward to going to LA and I think I'm going to hire a car. Nothing fancy, but...
I don't have anything to really do there. So I mean, I'm going for work. But like in between that, there's not much for me to do. And I don't have many friends there. So I think I'm going to get a little car and then drive out of LA and go see some of like, I want to see like, oh my god, what do they call that? They don't you guys don't say countryside. You say...
Maybe they do. No, they don't. I want to go out and explore the rural Californian landscape because I'm intrigued and it's pretty and it's going to be warmer there. And I'm going completely by myself. Maybe that's not a safe thing to put on the internet, but I am. Oh yeah, I'm excited to go to that one-sower house in Malibu. I don't actually think I'm allowed in. I think you have to have a special permit.
It's a challenge. I want to get in. I want to go see it. I've been in there though. How the fuck did I get in? I was with some random person. I, oh my fucking God. In-N-Out's so fucking good. You know the reason that they don't, I learned this on TikTok, the reason that they don't branch out and have more, um,
like franchises is because they require all their meat to come in on the same day that it's sold. And that's like really costly and difficult to have the factories close enough for that to be possible. So they just like don't bother. And I think it's also because it's like a marvel of the LA thing. Oh my God, In-N-Out. If you like put it everywhere, it's like, oh, In-N-Out. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? But I go In-N-Out once.
I had a driver and I was with my friend and he was like the most chivalrous older man I've ever met in my life. And we asked him if we could go to In-N-Out. And he was like, of course. And I fully did not think like we were going to pay. Like we offered him burgers. We didn't want anything. Like I wouldn't have ever thought that my driver was going to pay. And then he just tapped his card and we were like, no, like, what are you doing? And he was like, my mother taught me that as long as a woman is with me, she'll never pay for her food.
Just this like random driver and I was like... Moving on. That was a good burger. I don't even really eat meat, but I did eat it for In-N-Out and it was yummy scrummy. But like I get nervous eating meat from fast food places. I just think that's like you're asking for trouble. But I know I have food OCD. Don't ask me. But it was yummy. I don't think I quite got the hype, but it was yummy. And I feel like it's an iconic location. Like you kind of have to go.
One thing I like about going to LA is revisiting all the places that I went when I went to LA when I was 11. I just find that kind of fun. I feel like I'm close to her. We went to Venice Beach. I'll never revisit that because it's scary, but I went when I was like 11. Where else did I go? Hollywood Walk of Fame, not all that it's cracked up to be honest. I was scared. I did experience fear whilst enjoying the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Okay, so after LA, I'm flying straight to New York and I'm staying there for just under two weeks.
And what I fucking love about my, whenever I go to New York, is I get to go in the fancy buildings where, when I went as a tourist to New York, when I was like, actually, I went when I was 18 because I used to work at a summer camp and I took a day trip to New York. And I was like, what the fuck is the hype with this place? Like this place, not only you can't access any of the buildings, like they're all off limits because they're all offices or residential buildings or the big fun tall ones. Yeah, you can't go in them. I was like, not only that, everyone's mean.
And it doesn't smell the best in the middle of summer. It doesn't smell great because your garbage heats up on the street and it's interesting. So I was like, what the fuck is the hype? Like, it's cute and it's fun. And I like the energy here, but I didn't really get it as a tourist. I was like, I could get it if you were a local. If you lived here, I would understand the vibe. But as a tourist, I was like, no. And then I went there on a work trip and I was like, oh my God, I get it now because they let me go in the buildings. I had access to the buildings, all of them, every single one. And they let me go in and then they let me go up to the top.
And then I could see New York. It's much more fun when you're allowed inside of the buildings and not just your hotel or a coffee shop. I enjoy it. I like New York.
I'm excited to spend time with my friend because she's coming out to see me and see me. No, she's fucking coming to buy a Rolex and she's bumming my hotel room off of me. She's coming to see me in New York and we're going to hang out. We're going to get dinner. I want to go back to the hotel Chelsea in New York and I want to get the steak again. I don't even eat meat. I've said that twice on this podcast after saying that I had burgers and steak. I don't even eat meat.
It was like almost a raw steak with some kind of sauce on top, like a peppercorn, but like peppercorn with like the best... I think about this steak all the time. And if I could just bring ciabatta with me and put the steak in it, oh my God, the world would explode. If you live anywhere near Hotel Chelsea, go.
So something else I started doing is I was in the shop. I think it's called Tiger or Flying Tiger or something. And they had this like little book stack and it had journals with one, two and three written on them. And it's journals for one year, two year and three years. So you can start whenever.
And the reason that I don't, I have a diary that I've kept since I was 12 that I will treat you guys to at some point. But I, it's so precious to me. I only want to write in it like every couple of months when I have like a lot to say. I used to write in it all the time before it became like this precious thing to me. But I don't want to like do a big diary entry every single day. Like that's overwhelming and no one's going to keep to it. We're not going to do it.
So when I saw these diaries, I was like, oh my God, this is perfect because they're set out. So it's like you basically write half a page of writing
And there's enough pages for you to do like a couple a day if you want to or one a day, however many you want. Like you can I think there's probably more than 365 pages in that, but it's so small. It's like less overwhelming than trying to fill out a whole page with things that you feel and what happened in your day, because most days like nothing interesting happens and you probably don't feel like anything crazy.
But I was like, I'm only writing about the big things in my life. And I'm not remembering any of the small things. Like I never just write in my diary when it's a small thing. And I was like, this could motivate me to remember like the everyday things. And it's a goal of mine now to like try and write more days than not. Not every day, because if I set a goal like that for myself, it's just fucking unattainable. And then I'll just get overwhelmed and I won't do it.
But to like just it's so much easier when it's just half a page of paper and you just write a little insert like something so dumb. It could be literally like today I filmed a podcast episode. I hung out with my friend. I drove for the first time in London. It was really nerve wracking. Nearly died a couple of times, nearly killed a couple of people, but all good. Live and learn, you know.
And then that's it. And then I would otherwise have completely forgotten that day because it's so insignificant. But I want to just like fill these diaries with tiny little entries so that I get to remember everything. I have my big main diary for like the big entries, like filling people in, like what's going on, what's the bigger picture. But I only write that every now and again because otherwise it's too much.
So that's something fun and I think it's motivating because I see the one, two and three and I know that I want to have three years of my life documented, especially since I'm in my early 20s and I know these are probably some of the like weirdest years of my life. And I just hate the idea that I'm like forgetting them. Even I film so much of my life and like put so much of my life in video form that you would think I would have enough to remember it by, but I don't. Anyway,
I'm excited to keep these diaries and start writing more and also be more self-aware because I feel like that encourages a little bit of like reflection even if it's just for three minutes at the end of the day like writing four lines in this tiny little diary it just encourages me to like think a bit more about myself like oh what did happen today oh how did I feel today because like I said earlier I was completely unselfaware for the last eight months and I want to stop
I, so far, have written a mixture of really detailed entries and then not detailed at all. One day, I barely did anything. I literally wrote that I bought a new perfume and it makes me feel sick and I don't like the smell of it. And that was my whole entry. And then the next day, I actually had a lot to say, so I used up three pages because the pages are so small. I just used three because there's plenty in the book. If you want to do that, you can. And I wrote three pages on my dad's birthday dinner.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah. I said that I was going to do monthly resolutions every month of the year rather than doing a bunch of New Year's resolutions because inevitably most people are not going to see the results or we all fuck up our New Year's resolutions and then you feel like a failure because you overwhelm yourself and it's too much too soon. And then I just feel like it sets a bad tone and it's not enjoyable. So I wanted to like do one every month and there's like a series of mini games for the entire year. So my January...
Did I say that wrong? My January resolution is to spend more time with my friends. Okay, I said this as a resolution because like I said earlier, one of the things that like rips me out of the bad space is seeing other people and remembering that because I'm currently trying to like intentionally improve my mental health, I am trying to spend more time with my friends on purpose. Like not just like, oh, I'll see you when I see you kind of thing. Like I need to know that I'm going to see someone in the near future.
I feel good after the holidays. Like I feel relaxed. I feel slightly rejuvenated. So I don't want to like get lazy and feel like, oh, I'm fine to spend a day in bed. Oh, I'm fine to not respond to my emails today. Like I need to keep up the momentum. I need to see people. I need to talk to people. I need to respond to my emails. I need to respond to my texts. I need to like keep it at a level where it's manageable. My life is being lived rather than just like gradually begin to rot away to a point where I'm like not even existing anymore.
My friends will think I'm dead. I even think I'm dead. You know what I mean? So that's my January month resolution is to spend time with my friends. Also, all my home friends went back to university after Christmas. So now I just have this one bitch in London that I can hang out with. And but you know what, though? It's actually cute. Like I today went to Daniel's house, Daniel Rhodes's.
And because he had my keys to my flat and I just like parked up outside and I ran and he was in his doorway waiting to give me his keys and he gave me a hug and he was like, I'll see you soon. I'll see you soon. Because I couldn't run in because I had a billion packages in my car and I was parked illegally. But even that small teeny tiny interaction made my day like a hundred times nicer because I'd seen someone that
Like makes me feel like I'm not fucking insane. And I remembered that he exists. I think I have that thing where I don't have any object permanence. Like the second I can't see you in front of me or I've not seen you for like a week, you are literally in the nicest way possible dead to me. Like I cannot remember that you exist. I have to see people all the time to like know their real characters that are like actually living and breathing. So me and my friend were talking about how you can have different types of friendships for different purposes and
And you can acknowledge that the friendship doesn't fulfill everything that you would want in the ideal scenario. They don't have to know everything about you. You don't have to know everything about them. But
You don't have to cut people off the second that they do something that you don't like because you can compartmentalize those friendships. Because I was trying to explain that you need to have a community around you and that doesn't happen when you cut people off because they do something that you don't like. And that a lot of the truest friendships come when you give your friends space to...
have faults and have errors and you would love them in spite of that but then it's also important to understand your own boundaries and trust yourself to implement them when that's when it needs to happen so that you know that you can keep yourself safe and happy within all of the relationships that you have that aren't ideal but that's what we're going to talk about next week
Okay, that's all I've got for you this week. Thanks for listening. And next week, we'll talk about compartmentalizing your friendships as a self-aware, overly self-aware person who's terrified of being betrayed. Bye.