My Best Friend Left Me For My Ex
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Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Pretty Lonesome. At the end of last week's episode, I started banging on about how I'm really good at forgiving people in like their absence of an apology, the absence of change behavior, yada yada yada yada. And I would say to an extent I am. But then I was like, okay, I'll talk about that next week on the podcast. And then the more I dwelled on that, the more I was like, I'm actually still fucking stewing

over the wrongdoings of other people towards me, no matter how minor or major. But then I was also like, okay, but like, I'm not as heated over it as I used to be. So I feel like I'm still pretty good at it. Like forgiving people that don't change their behavior, don't apologize for their behavior. One thing I can handle, this is going to be, I'm going to get riled up, but one thing I can fucking do is argue with a fucking smart person. Like you, like,

I can argue with someone who is competent all fucking day long. The second you're stupid, I actually can't talk to you. Like, it makes me feel like I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Like, I will throw a temper tantrum. That is how insane it makes me feel. Like, I can't process the emotions of a stupid person. And they frustrate me so much that I genuinely, like, I will start pulling my hair out. Like, I'll gouge my eyeballs out. I don't care. Like, I cannot deal with it.

And unfortunately in my life, I've had to deal with like so many dumb bitches. So...

Let's talk about it because oh my god, it gets me riled up. And even though I like to sit here and be like, oh my god, I'm so healed. This is how you forgive someone and this is the way you can do. I actually am just in the mood to bitch and moan and I need to tell someone because they never righted their wrongs. How unfair is that? So I guess we're better to talk about it than to thousands of strangers. You know what I mean? Because my friends are sick of hearing it. Okay, so let me take you on a journey, okay? The

The one person in my life... Oh, no, there's two. No, there's three. And they all fucking love each other. Right. And they're all friends with each other, which to this day actually turns me sick. Like, genuinely. You know what I mean? Anyway. So...

I'm not going to go into the dirty little grainy details about what went down between me and these people, okay? Because I feel like that's to an extent boring and unfair, although it's not boring. I could write novels on what happened between me and these three people because one is my ex-best friend, one is my ex-girlfriend, and one is this random bitch that had no reason being there. And I could talk about what went down between my ex-best friend and I for, genuinely, I think probably...

If you just let me talk and never interrupted me, I could probably talk for three straight hours. And the weird thing is that she wasn't even my ex-best friend. Like, okay, she was my ex-best friend in the way that we were friends in, like, childhood, and then we just, like, drifted and then became friends in adulthood. And then she did me for filth in a way that actually, like, round of applause because it's kind of unique. Anyway, it's not even unique. It's just, like, interesting. Like, what... How did you...

think up that one. Like, I don't know. And hey, here's the thing. I'm never one to like, I don't know, like...

fully hate someone because they wronged me right like shit happens whatever you can make a mistake I don't care like well I do actually care very much but you can make a mistake and I'm not gonna hold it against your character for the rest of your life I mean I am in a personal sense because like I don't want you anywhere near me but like I can acknowledge from a distance a safe distance you know maybe some bars between us that you are maybe not that person you can heal and you can grow and you people make mistakes whatever it's fine

But at the same time, I genuinely hold it against them. In a very personal manner, I don't care. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewellery becomes something we only bought on special occasions...

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There's like two versions of me. There's like an angel and a demon. And the angel knows that they've probably, I don't know, grown since. Anyway, but...

When these three people came together to collectively piss me off, I'm pretty sure they had fucking group meetings about it before they pulled that little stunt because the way they worked in harmony was almost like one of those in-sync dance routines. You know when they go in the water, the dancing. I don't know, it's like an Olympic sport now. Anyway, it was kind of one of those synchronized swimming teams, the way they pulled this off so flawlessly. And I just thought, wow.

Wow. Again, I'm not going to go into the dirty details as much as I would fucking love to. I don't think it needs to be broadcasted online just because I don't want to get myself in any trouble. And hey, look, like I said, I think they probably have grown because I've wronged people in the past. You know what I mean? Like I've done things that I look back on and I fucking cringe. Nothing to the extent that they did. I mean, yeah, no, that was kind of wild. But

I've wronged people, definitely, especially when I was a teenager. And, like, I would hate to think that there's anybody out there that still thinks that that's me or still holds that against me in a deep way. Like, so, like, I don't ever want to do that to anybody else. But at the same time, I'm like, you've actually never apologized, so I'm going to hold it against you. You know what I mean? Like...

You've never even made an effort. Actually, it's not true. One of them, my ex, she made an effort to apologize to me once. Okay, let me take you on a story. So after we broke up and everything went down between the four of us, the three of us, whoever you want to count, really, it was me, my ex bestie and my ex girlfriend. And he's still calling her my ex bestie. She's gonna think I'm crazy because we really weren't besties at the time. But it's like I kind of hold it to that standard because I'm like, we were best, best, best friends in childhood. And that's just like a level of innocence you're not meant to betray by doing what you did. Anyway,

so like what happened right so everything goes to shit for reasons I won't go into and then and then it's a case of me being like what the fuck I didn't know people could treat me like this I didn't know people thought like this I didn't know people acted like this especially these people like this is wild to me and it's so unfair and in it really was it was

It was insane. Like, it was just one person that had the complete control over the narrative and just, like, completely was just out to get me. And it was the person that I had broken up with. And they were just so...

viciously out to take everything and like I guess play a victim because they were so not the victim in the circumstance and I don't care about anything enough to ever be like I was the victim shut the fuck up but like in that situation

She had wronged me and I had just reasonably left her for it. Like, there was nothing too crazy, nothing too deep. You know what I mean? Like, it was just a run-of-the-mill kind of bad breakup. Like, it would have blown over in three to six months and we probably would have just, like, been cool with each other. Like, it really did not need to be that deep. I swear to God it did not need to be. But then, like, this, like, what I understand from Quora Digest to be something close to a smear campaign...

pursued after and I was like what the fuck is going on like this does not need to be like what like shut the fuck up like what is going on I was so confused and then I came to realize that this one person just so probably deeply felt terrible about what they had done to me because it wasn't a good thing that they've done but again it wasn't the worst thing in the world like

people cheat. Like, I will survive. You know what I mean? Like, I really will thrive and survive. You don't need to worry about me. Give me three months. You know what I mean? And I'm on to the next. Like, but I think they felt so bad about what they had done that, and they hadn't even really cheated. Like, it really wasn't that deep. It did not need to get this deep to the point I'm talking about it on a podcast three years down the line. You know what I mean? Like, it did not need to get this fucking deep. So, like, I had just left. Like,

Cut it off. I'd left. We'd had one very upsetting night. You know, classic. Like, I'm yelling. They're yelling. They're feeling bad. They're crying. Whatever. And I'm like, fuck you. Never speaking to you again. And I drive away. And that was it. Like, that was all that needed to be said and done. And, you know, you just move on separately. Whatever. It's shit. It happens. It's like run of the mill. You know what I mean? It's not mind-boggling. So tell me why I'm talking about it on a podcast three years later. Because what Pursued After was just fucking... Like, it was insane. It was insane.

So again, I said, I think like this person felt so bad about what they had done that they needed to victimize me, not only in their own head, but in everybody's head. And unfortunately, it just really worked. It worked a charm and...

I spent a whole year basically like questioning whether I really was not seeing the situation for what it was if I was the crazy one or if they were the crazy one. I was like, hold on, because this doesn't align with my reality whatsoever. And like, I've never been crazy before. You know what I mean? So like, why am I crazy now? This makes little sense to me. And like, I had seen what this person had done with previous relationships. So I was kind of inclined to believe that this maybe was not

personal. And this was this own person's problem. This was my ex's problem. And I was like, okay. Anyway, it wasn't that easy for me. I went through PTSD therapy because I was just so, I actually got to the point I think I was traumatized because I was like, this makes no sense. I can deal, like I said, I can deal with fucking arguing with smart people. I can deal with people who exist in the same somewhat realm of reality as me. Like I can deal with things that are, I can fight with you if you make sense.

I can't fight with crazy. Like, I really can't. Like, I don't know what... It does something to me. Like, it... And I think it does something to me because of this girl. Like, I had never experienced this emotion before of feeling like I just completely defenceless. Like, gaslit to the extent that you can't even think...

in English, borderline, like I could, I genuinely think I forgot the English language. I was so stunned. Like I genuinely forgot how to like have an argument or how to speak because I felt I was questioning myself so deeply all the time that I, like I couldn't deal with any confrontation in this period because I just would break down and be like, oh my God, I have no idea what my perspective is. Is my perspective completely wrong? Am I insane? Yeah.

Because these people made me think I was fucking crazy. Turns out I wasn't. Turns out they're just rude. And the thing is, it was never even that deep. But the reason that her friends are supporting this crazy is because they don't care. Like, it's just not their problem. Like, that's the baseline. Because what I was doing was going home every day sobbing and being like, but if they put this fact and this fact together, and if they just saw it the way I see it, they would realise...

That I'm not this person, that this person is making me out to be. And I would never act like this and I would never do this. Like, why can't they see that this is the obvious truth? Also, these people have known me.

for years and yet they're still believing what this person is saying about me when it's blatantly untrue. Like, I remember I got a message from my ex-best friend and she was like, this is so out of character for you, what they've just told me that you've done. I genuinely could not believe you would do this. This is the least I would have ever expected from you. I am absolutely surprised and shocked. And I was like, and you can't apply that surprise and shock that you feel as someone who's known me for the best part of my life.

and apply it to the fact that maybe, just maybe, this rumor isn't fucking true. If you're so shocked and stunned and horrified by something you've heard about me through a person who has ill taste towards me, do you not think that you could just use one, one brain cell and realize that maybe the reason you're so shocked and why it's so out of character for me and why it so doesn't make any sense...

is because it's a fucking lie. And this was the most frustrating thing for me because I was like, I know you know this isn't real. There's no way. You've known me since I was six years old. There is no way you think what this person is saying about me or saying that went down in our relationship or saying that I've made them feel...

is real and I was like this is crazy how can you possibly abandon everything you know about me and not even come and ask me first like you just want to cut me off because you've heard one bad thing and I could not get my head around it and it took years to realize the reason they did that to me was just because they didn't fucking care they didn't care to put it one and one like one and two together they really didn't care to do the math they wanted a friendship with this other person because this person came with perks they came with money a little bit of fame as well and it was just like

You obviously have picked the side that you want to stick with and you know that this is too ugly for me and her to ever share a friend, right? Like it wasn't like we were going to have mutual friends after this. It was going to be that, I mean, I wouldn't have ever made it like this, but this person was pretty insistent that it was not going to be easy like that. So it was like you pick me or her. And at the time...

Yeah, he didn't have any perks. I was just a girl, you know, working in a grocery store. And unfortunately, they picked their side. I hope it bites them in the ass. Anyway, so I was left with a lot of residual anger, understandably, towards these two main characters in this story, right?

and just confusion and hurt. And I went in circles trying to put meaning to their actions. And unfortunately, it was just that they didn't care. Like, it wasn't their problem, and that's fine.

And it is fine. And to be honest, I don't hold it against them that much. I just think they're stupid. I just think you have a low IQ and you can never change my opinion of you in that sense. And that just kind of sucks. You know what I mean? Anyway, so I went round and round and round and round in my head trying to figure out why people could do this to me, why they could make me feel this way about myself, why they would do any of what they did, right?

When ultimately I was, not to toot my own horn, completely fucking innocent. Like, I did nothing to you. I did nothing to you. I never did anything to you. I was your friend since I was six.

And I never did anything wrong by you. Right. And I didn't step wrong in that relationship. The worst thing I did was stop loving the person and leave accordingly. Like that was my offense. And unfortunately, it was it put me in for a fucking world of hurt, like a world of hurt. Because if I'm honest, in that relationship, I was completely absent towards the end. And I should have left the second that I recognized that. But I didn't. And I guess that's a mistake I've learned from.

And it eventually led the other person to feel dismissed, which, again, fair enough. But that's normal shit anyway. Like, I did nothing to deserve that. And you knew me, and you knew me as a nice, sweet girl who...

I genuinely did not deserve that. There is nothing you can ever say to me now to make me think I deserved even a quarter an ounce of the way that these people treated me. Because they made it feel fucking personal too. They made it feel like I had earned every piece of what I got from them. And I hope they eat that for the rest of their lives. Like I genuinely do. And I was never going to make a podcast about it because like every time I talk about it, the anger comes back up. Like I was driving to the woods today to film this episode and I was like in a good mood. I was like listening to my music. And

And I was like, I really am not, like, in the mood to, like, talk about forgiveness. Like, I don't care. I've forgiven them. Like, I'm not... It's not nothing, like... No good content is going to come out of me talking about it because, like, I don't really care anymore. And now I'm sat here and it's like it's three years ago. I'm fucking riled up. I told you I would get riled up, bitch. This is bad. Anyway. Anyway. Um...

So like I said, I went round and round in my head and I ended up actually having to go to therapy for PTSD. And I think the reason for that was I probably it was probably an overreaction for me. Like a lot of people maybe wouldn't have felt as distressed as I felt in that situation. But it was almost like the shock of the severity of the things that incurred from that breakup was so intense.

It's mind-boggling for me that I could not cope. I felt like my whole reality had shifted. Like, I didn't understand. I didn't know what was left and right. Like, I didn't know up and down. Like, I really felt completely lost. And I just didn't know how. Like, I felt like I couldn't read anyone. I felt like I had no idea where anyone's intentions were, if someone I'd known for so long. And also...

thought highly of. Like, my ex-best friend, I'm speaking more about here, not my ex-girlfriend, I kind of always knew she was trouble, but my ex-best friend was one of the sweetest kids I have ever met in my life. The way we met...

was I was had joined her school and I didn't have any friends because I'm very shy and I'm just not good at making friends especially when you join a school midway through the year as a kid like everyone's already got their friends like no one really fucks with you they'll fuck with you on the first day and then you're kind of on your own after that unless you're really good at socializing and so I joined the school and I'd had friends like the first few days and then I didn't have any friends after that I didn't manage to like stick with them and

We had this thing called a friendship bench at my school, which is like a thing in the UK and a lot of primary schools where it's just a bench. And if you have no friends, you're meant to go sit on it. And then the other kids are meant to come up and ask to play with you. So it's one of my many lunch times where I'm alone. I used to run around alone in the playground. And this time I decided I'm going to sit on the friendship bench. And this girl runs up to me and she invites me to come and play football with her and her friends.

And we were best friends literally since that fucking day. Like, she was the nicest, sweetest,

sweetest and we'd met before that day we'd met in a sauna which is really random because our mums knew each other and me and her we ripped off our clothes and we jumped in an ice covered swimming pool outside of this sauna it was like this rich person's house and we'd gone there just to use their sauna and our mums were butt naked and we were grossed out so we ran outside and jumped in the pool and then

When I was on the friendship bench at school, she recognized me and she came up and she asked if I wanted to play. And she had this whole big friend group. And I think eventually she ended up more or less ditching the friend group and we just became best friends. Like we were like an impenetrable little unit. I mean, she still had her other friends, but we were really best, best friends. Like I would sleep over at her house like all the time. She named her cats after me. Like we would fight like...

What's the word? Fight like a married couple. Not even a married couple. We'd fight like a toxic young couple. Like, it was insane. The fights we would have over email, because this is like the fucking olden days, we'd have fights over email. And I wish I could find them. I wish I knew like what email address I was using at that time. And like go back and find the emails because they were foul. ♪

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In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. We would fight and we would make up. My mom once told me I came home from school with either a bruised knee or a black eye. My mom was like, what the fuck happened to you? And I just said like, oh...

And then my ex-best friend's name, I was like, oh, she hit me. And my mom was like, okay. Because that was our friendship. It was very strong. It sounds terrible, but it was very strong and it was really cute and it was very transformative for me. It was very important. It was one of the most intense friendships I've ever had until we went to secondary school and we drifted. She was very popular. She was a very, very cool girl. And I was the exact opposite of that. And so I retreated into...

a friendship with a girl who was much more fitting for me at the time she was we were both super fucking weird like I wish I could get someone from my secondary school on this podcast one day to sit her and vouch for how fucking weird I was in year seven like I I didn't hiss at people I think it wasn't that kind of weird but it was like it was borderline that bad like me and this girl

We don't need to get into it. I don't need you guys to know that I'm fucking secretly really late. But like we drifted in secondary school and then the next time we were friends was... Well, we were friends the whole time, but like the next time we would like see each other all the time...

was when my ex and I were dating. So I'm like, bro, I had a clear judgment on you. I don't know. Like, it's sad to me. And I see it all the time when people go from kids to adults and they just become shit. Like, and it goes for a lot of boys because I remember a lot of boys in my primary school class. They were so sweet and they were so nice and they were so respectful and they were my friends and they grew up and I didn't talk to them for...

I don't know, the entire of secondary school. Then the next thing I'm hearing is that they're a fucking convicted sex offender. Like, what?

What happened between then and now? Or hearing, oh yeah, he touched this girl up, or he's got this allegation. And it was like, I don't want to say the vast majority, but too many for comfort of my old primary school male friends that were in my class of 20, 30 kids, or just kids that I knew from around that age that grew up. And I would just hear the most horrendous things. And I was like,

Like, what happened to everybody? Like, where did everybody go? Like, what's happened in the last seven years that I'm not aware of? Like, what's going on here? Anyway, I think it's really sad. People grow up, things change. Like, I still have so much empathy and love for this person who wronged me so much because I'm like, no, but I saw the real you and I know you're better than this. And that is what, like, hurts my heart so much because I'm like, I don't know what's gotten to you or why you've become the person that you've become or why you're acting the way that you are. But, like...

I saw your heart when you were a child and I feel like that's the best representation of a person because yeah a lot of things can change you in adulthood but I feel like the more I grow and the more I go to therapy the more my goal is to become who I was when I was six years old again because that was the purest most loving most kind most genuine version of myself her interests and

Her hobbies, her reactions to things, like I'm trying to get back to them. Like that's the best version of me. And I knew this girl at that age. And I'm just thinking like, why are you so far from that person? Because I feel like maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like that's the genuine version of her. And that's the version that I still have a lot of love for and still care for.

So it's weird. And like, I don't know. She was just like, like, there's people that I've known. Like, I come from a small town, right? So like, a lot of people I've known from birth or like from preschool. Like, I've known a lot of people the whole way throughout their whole lives. Like, we've never moved house. I've known a lot of the same people my whole life. And so I always think of this one girl that I knew. I'm not going to specify like anything about her. But like, when I tell you this girl is fucking mean, she came out the womb.

nasty like she's just mean and rude and uptight and her energy is fucked like she's just an off person I've never liked her and like I've known her genuinely my whole life like or

Yeah, my whole life. And like, she's always been mean to other kids. She's always been rude. Like no major behavioral issues, like nothing really wrong with her or her life. Just plain mean. No other word for it. You're just mean. And like, she just came out mean. And I'm like, I think it's genuinely possible. Like, I don't know what's wrong with you, but you make my nose stand up. And it's like this other girl, this ex-best friend that I'm talking shit about,

she came out the womb good and a funny story I actually saw her for the first okay so I always think that the universe has protected me from seeing her and I believe in that stuff a lot like someone something has protected me from seeing her because I was far too fragile to see her like I don't know what I would have done if I'd have seen her when all this was going on I was traumatized and I didn't see her like maybe I caught a glimpse of her once or twice but I did not

I wasn't in any position to come face to face with either my ex or my ex-best friend ever. Like literally, I used to see them everywhere. I used to see them in the corner shop. I used to see them walking their dog. I used to see them at the pub. Like I wouldn't plan to see them, but they're at the pub. I wouldn't plan to see them in the shop. They're at the shop. Like they were everywhere. I would see them a couple of times a week, just bumping into them. Not once.

Isn't that fucking weird? And I think it may have been four years. I don't know. I can't do maths. It's been like at least three or four years since this all went down.

I have seen both of them individually once. Isn't that crazy? And we live in the same tiny town. Like, I genuinely feel protected. And the first time that I saw her face to face was recently and it riled me up. Okay, so let me get to the point. I was ruminating on this for over a year. No, not ruminating, spiraling. It just got worse and worse and worse. And I remember one day I was crying in my bedroom, as I always was.

And I remember saying, I feel like I have tripped and fell and literally just like gone through a portal and fallen into the wrong version of reality. Like, I kind of cautiously believe in the multiverse theory and...

I do think that there can be like, I don't know. I don't know. I kind of I believe a little bit in a lot of things, right? It's not the craziest thought to me that you can jump maybe in realms. I mean, I don't know how that would work. But it's like, if I'm traumatized enough, I might start thinking like that. You know what I mean? So I'm like sat in my room and I'm like thinking about discharging.

did I fall in, I actually lost my mind. I was like, did I fall into the wrong realm? Like, am I somewhere that I did not previously live? Have I died in my original life and like come to this one where the rules are different and these people are just not the people that I knew and these people are just not the people that I thought they were? Like,

and have they always been like this? And I'm shocked because I'm not from here. Like, am I an alien? Like, I was so confused. I was like, I feel like everything I know is different. The rules are different. The way people act are different. These aren't the people that I knew. This isn't anything that I knew. These aren't rules that I understand. This is not how I thought life works. It's not how I thought people could act. Like, I,

I did not understand. I was so confused about how they could act this way, about how anyone could act that way. And to be fair, I'm still a bit baffled, but I think it's just an unpleasant awakening. You know, now I'm a little bit more pragmatic and emotionless about it because it doesn't scare me anymore that there are, like, cause I was really scared. I can't believe I thought these people were my friends and they've wronged me so deeply. And I can't believe that I trusted them and, and so many things that I just couldn't

It scared me because I was like, oh my God, how am I ever going to trust anyone again? Is my judgment way off? Or can people just genuinely switch up on you like that last minute? Like, did they actually switch up or were they always like this and I'm the idiot for not seeing it? Like, what is the situation? What situation am I in? You know what I mean? Like, I didn't know what situation I was in. So I would like calm her down. Like, I literally was, I would have done anything for communication during this time and they gave me fucking nothing. Like, they gave me not anything.

They would, there was nothing I could do. They completely shut me out. And to be fair, and then I shut them out and it was, you know, there was no chance of communication. Now I have this anxiety where I think people are going to die and then I'm going to have left it on a bad note. So...

After about three months of us being broken up, I unblocked her number in my phone and she never called it. She never texted it. She probably didn't know she was unblocked. And then one night I got a text from them and it was all this just like a bullshit apology. And I'm so proud of what I said because I said something along the lines of,

I will never accept an apology from you until I've seen that your behavior has changed. And it was coming from the place that you don't want to apologize to me for my sake. You can't handle what you've done to me and you are desperate for me to relieve you from that. Because I think it was at a point where it was starting to become clear to them, you know, the fog had lifted, whatever.

And I think they were starting to have some deep breaths and look back and go, oh, my God, what have I just done? Like, it was like a plea for me to forgive her. She just wanted forgiveness to relieve herself. And if I wasn't ready to give that forgiveness, then I absolutely was never going to kind of cut her free from the chains that...

She had put us both in. Like, I'm not... What do you mean? Like, why the second that you demand it should I relieve this pain for you? Because I have begged you for months to stop what you're doing to me, to stop this literally abuse, and you didn't. But I'm not forgiving you right now. And I was so proud because I was, like, cold and somewhat unemotional. I was logical. I was...

I was calculated. I took, like, a week to reply to because I really wanted to think about what I was going to say. And then I just sent, like, a half of a paragraph. Like, I didn't even go over the top. Genuinely, I wouldn't even be that mature now. Like...

I've gone down. Like, I don't know. I'm more relaxed now. I just don't care. Like, I don't know. Like, if an ex texts me that bullshit now, I'd be like, well, actually, like, I don't know. I was so, like, I was actually fucking traumatized. Like, it's not even funny, but it's kind of funny. But it's not funny. But anyway, have I said anything of substance or have I just bitched and moaned?

I think I've just bitched. Anyway, forgiveness. I think forgiveness should only ever serve the person who is giving it, not the person who is receiving it. I've been in both positions, right? I've needed to be forgiven and I have deeply needed to forgive. And I would not encourage anyone to ever rush themselves to forgive a person because

I remember one time my good friend was going through a pretty shit breakup and I remember talking to her about it and trying to be like all wise and be like, look, you don't need to forgive him right now. You can sit on this. You know, it might take months, years for you to get over this and nothing is too long. Nothing is too quick. And she was like, no, I need to forgive him right now. I need to forgive him tonight.

Because I don't want this hurt. I don't want us to end badly. I don't want to have to find forgiveness for this person. Like, I'm forgiving him right now. And I was like, damn, I completely get where you're coming from. Because for me, I ruminated on it for a year before finding an ounce of forgiveness in me.

And honestly, like it nearly killed me. And I don't know, to an extent, I'm like, I healed better in the long run. And I became a much better version of myself for suffering. I'm a big voucher for sitting in a feeling. And sometimes I take this to the max and it's kind of toxic. Like I'll sit in a feeling for too long and it'll completely consume me and it'll become like an actual part of my psyche. But I do think a

neglect to sit in a feeling and I think that can be just as as bad for your long-term growth I am not at all avast to discomfort if I know that I'm gonna come out better from it whether that's sitting and not being able to forgive someone in order to like fully experience the pain that they cause me in order to fully experience the pain that they cause me or if it's

I don't know. I don't know. It could be in any form. Like, whereas my friend took the approach of, I don't want to sit in this feeling. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want this to be our story. I'm just going to forgive him. I'm just going to get over it tonight. And it wasn't the end of the world what he had done to her. So I see how that could have been physically possible for her. But also I was like, okay, love and support you. You know what I mean? Like, I've never seen anyone do this before, but I love it. Obviously they broke up, God bless. But

forgiveness is a really interesting thing. I wasn't able to give it or to even start to think about it for a long time because I had to first of all reduce some of the effects they had had on me. Like I couldn't possibly be so deep in the trenches as I was and be thinking about forgiveness as if it's

Like, it was going to benefit them if I forgave them. And that was my... I couldn't be thinking about that. Like, I was genuinely completely unable to function, completely unable to move. I remember one day... So I was working at this grocery store at the time and I was bagging up someone's groceries and it was a really old school grocery store. Like, you had the manual scales for, like, every item and it would weigh up by price because it was all...

What's it called? Like we wouldn't bag anything. Like everything was an individual item, so we'd have to weigh everything. And I remember picking up, I don't know, some fucking potatoes or something from this person's basket and going to put them in the scale. And at that moment, I had another thought about the breakup. Whatever it was, I don't really remember. But it was another piece of, you know, when you kind of put two and two together or you think about them doing something, whatever they did and with whoever they did it with and you get a mental image and it's like a sucker punch to your fucking gut. Whatever it was, I remember I thought about something

And it made my body so physically weak, the thought, and this would happen multiple times a day, that I dropped the potatoes all over the floor. Like my body genuinely was giving up on me. My whole body swelled to twice its fucking size and it was just stress related. Like no one really knows what it was. I'll put a picture up one day on my Instagram or something, but it was like my lips were double the size, my eyes, I looked like I've been stung by a bee. Like I looked like I was having a massive allergic reaction. I don't know, it must have just been stress related because it's never happened to me since and it's never happened to me before.

And I broke out in the most severe cystic acne. Again, I can only presume that that was stress related. And I used to when I'd take my breaks at work, I used to just like run my petrol down in my car because like if I sat still for more than 10 minutes, I would have a shaking panic attack, like not my normal kind of panic attack, but like whole body vibrating, teeth jittering, body completely tense, like

nothing is ever going to be okay again kind of panic like an emotional panic attack as opposed to like my normal which is like a fear one of like I'm terrified of something happening this one was just like completely overwhelmed of emotions so I couldn't sit still I couldn't not do anything and my breaks at lunch were an hour so I used to get in my car and just drive in circles around like the little town that my job was in for the entire hour it was really really quite tragic.

And I remember my best friend, after this was all kind of said and done, she was like, I was so fucking worried about you during that period of time. Because we do this thing where we'll just text each other like, I love you, if we don't talk for a couple of days or whatever, just to like, let them know we still remember who they are. And she was like, every time you would message me, I love you, I would genuinely think you're about to like...

stirring up and I remember at the time because she'd always be like are you okay like every time I'd mention like I love you she'd be like why you okay and I'd be like yes Millie I'm absolutely fine but like she was concerned she's like and she'll bring it up now she'll be like do you remember when you used to just like go for drives just like I was genuinely so fucking worried about you you'd just sit on the forest all day and I'm like yeah

Because even now, like, now I'm sat on the forest, like, near where I live. This is where I used to come. Not this exact pull-in, but, like, one up the road. I used to just go there and just sit and just stare. Like, I did not... I was completely... I was fucked. Like, I did not know what to do. Like, I did... Again, I didn't know which way was up. Like, I really...

I completely froze. And so like forgiveness, it was not on the cards for me. Like it wasn't, it was a complete waste of time to even think about. And I do think forgiveness has an element of relief for the person who is

doing the forgiving because you can sit all day and try and put logic to somebody's behavior and you can make excuses for them and you can give them reasons and those reasons and those excuses can make a lot of sense and everything can start adding up in your head and that can be peaceful in its own right but it I think that still has the ability to make you feel pretty unwell and still be a very unpleasant experience and then forgiveness

It's kind of like a releasing of all of that. You know what I mean? It's like, I think forgive and forget. I know a lot of people say, forgive, don't forget, blah, blah, blah. I think the reason forgive and forget is even a saying is because when you forgive, it's easier to forget because you stop going around in your head and you stop caring. Like once you've actually managed to genuinely afford somebody forgiveness, why would you care anymore? You don't hold them...

That, I mean, it's, I don't know. It's like, do I still hold her responsible even though I've forgiven her? Like, yes and no. Like, I mean, I know I get passionate about it on this podcast, but it's like, have these people apologized to me in the way that I would consider genuine? No. Have they ever shown me that they feel remorse or give a fuck about what they did to me? No. Do I forgive them regardless? No.

Yeah, like I and I don't know what it is, but it's just like I came to an understanding of we're all humans on this planet and you are on your own journey and I would be.

crazy to criticize anybody's journey I believe that a lot of journeys are mapped out before we get here not in a super religious way but I do think that there's I don't know some kind of intention of each individual life some kind of experience to be had or lesson to be learned and I think that

you get there by the people that you interact with. And I believe a lot in soulmates. And so I'm sounding crazy, but I think when people hurt me in a way that is significant enough to change the trajectory of my life, I kind of think it was meant to happen. And I can sit here for the rest of my physical realm life and be mad and be bitter that they did that to me.

Or I can acknowledge that, hey, I'm not a victim unless I choose to be. And something great came out of that. And I became a better person. And it doesn't suck for me. That was just part of an experience that changed me. It doesn't need to be negative or positive. Yes, it was hard to get through. But I wasn't looking for an easy life anyway. I wasn't looking for a life with zero pain. And if you came to me now and offered me a life with zero pain, would I accept it? No, I would think that doesn't sound very good. So...

What am I angry about then at the end of the day? Do I want to be around these people? No. That's just...

basic intelligence I don't want to be around people that have a I believe taught me exactly what they were put here to teach me and b could potentially wrong me again like at that point it's your fucking fault if you get hurt because you have to you also have to take an ounce of responsibility like yes I believe certain things are mapped out yes I believe in soulmates yes I believe in some kind of higher power but I also believe that I am that higher power to an extent and if I'm putting myself in a situation to get more hurt that's my fault because I also have free will

But it's like something like that that happens, that unfolds. I don't know. Like, I'm not going to sit here and play a victim and be angry about it. I mean, I know I sounded angry in a lot of this podcast and it's kind of still a frustration because I just thought these people were better than they were. And it's hard to kind of accept sometimes that A, I was wrong and B, that they're not the people that I want them to be and strive for them to be. But

I actually can't be mad about it because it's not my worldview. Like, it's not, I don't believe anything like that should solicit anger for an extended period of time.

I have sat in the emotion. I've dealt with the emotion. I have got to the other side and my life is blessed because of it. Like I wouldn't have started social media if these people didn't fuck me around like that. I wouldn't have had like the revelation that I needed to have because for the entire year after that happened, honestly, more than a year, a year and a half, stretch it to two years, honestly.

I was so unhappy and I went through such an incredibly painful transformation where because I felt like they just completely knocked me down like a fucking Jenga brick or some shit. Like I had to build everything back up. I had to build up my idea of the world, my idea of people, my ability to trust, my ability to love, my ability to feel love, my ability to feel trust, my ability to see things and have a firm perspective because they made me feel like I didn't see things right or...

They made me feel like I was making errors that I didn't know I was making in terms of who I was putting my energy into, because I was like, God, how did I not know you were like that? You know what I mean? And so I felt silly and I felt like I couldn't trust myself to pick company. I had to rebuild everything. And I went through so many personal upsets.

fucking healing crises during that time. And it was such an intense period. And it was very painful. And I don't even like to look back at pictures on myself from that time sometimes because I'm like, ouch, God, I don't want to think about it. But like, it was so transformative for me. And thank God it was because I wouldn't want to be the person I was before that. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, she was great. She was innocent.

But I wouldn't want to be her and I wouldn't pick her as a friend because I think sometimes you have to have bad things happen to you in order to become the version of yourself that you need to be for yourself and for other people. And it's like I had qualities prior to this happening that I wasn't aware of. I said for a long time, there's like when I was still kind of going through the real hard emotions of this experience, I used to say there have been bad things that have happened to me before that I would never take back.

this I would take back this isn't fair like this is too much for me and I don't see how this much trauma can ever lead to me being a better person you know maybe a stronger person but I don't need to be a fucking stronger person you know what I mean when something happens and it makes me better and it's a little bit tough and you get through it and you you know you're better off for it great when I was going through this I was like this I don't think this needed to happen I think

this is just pain you know what I mean and great I'm gonna be fucking stronger but why do I need to be you know I was fine before and sometimes you just have to wait it out you just have to gain the perspective and see how your life unfolds and then you can look back and be like no that was worth it I I'm hasty to say it needed to happen because a lot of the time I'm like do I excuse people who maybe cause me pain in the name of being like well at least I grew from it like

No, but I think this was such a big learning experience for me that I genuinely couldn't have gone without it. And I don't know if this is the wrong thing to say, but a lot of the time I feel like

I do have the career that I have because of this, because it made me into a person that maybe was... I just had a better energy at the end of it. I don't know. I was more self-aware. I had a very protective and intense love for myself. And just a completely different worldview. Like, I can't possibly sum it up in one podcast. Like, you just have to enter my brain in a little submarine and look around for yourself to know what the fuck I mean when I say it changed me. But...

If you've had an experience like that, you know what I mean. You know it changes everything about you, your literal brain chemistry. Like, I built new neural pathways because of this, and it's amazing, and I would not take it back for the world. So do I forgive them? Yes. Do I trust them? Do I like them? No, and I don't think that it's my job in life to do so. I don't think that they care if I like them. I don't think I care if I like them, and I don't think I need to. I don't think it's a necessary part of healing to...

think that they're good people. You know, they're not my problem anymore. They're out of my life and I don't need to worry about why they are the way they are or who they are now or what they're becoming and are they better people now or are they the same people now and should I be hurt by that if they are just as shit as they were back then? It's not relevant. Like, it's fine. I don't need to worry about it, you know?

It's okay. And I just relinquish any emotion over them. I relinquish any responsibility. And you know what? Actually, this has just come to my mind right now. If you're going through something similar to this and you believe in manifesting, I encourage you to do this. So what I used to do, and I'm going to sound fucking crazy. So I used to go on hot girl walks almost every day of my life. I'd put my little headphones on and for an hour, hour and a half,

hour and a half, even in the dead of winter, I would do a hot girl walk. And sometimes I wouldn't even listen to music. And in fact, most times I wouldn't listen to music, I would just enjoy the silence. But that's because I listened to music all day because I was studying and I can't study without music. So I don't know, do whatever you want, music, no music. But what I used to do is I would walk in the middle of nowhere. So maybe this is tricky if you're in a city, but no one could hear me because I was in the fucking literal middle of nowhere in Kent. And

I would say out loud to myself among many other manifestations that I had going and this I'm always hesitant to share that I've hadn't done because I feel like I don't know people could evil eye it people could I don't know like it just kind of scares me because it's so deeply personal and the powers that be I don't know how they fully work so I'm like I don't think I should share it but look I used to do this okay

I used to say, I cut my energy ties to X person and I cut X person's energy ties to me. And then I would visualize a wire that kind of connected us or two wires and I would cut my one and then I would cut their one and then you kind of see it fall. And then I would finish it off with something like there are no, there are now, all my energy is now cut off from X person.

And I would just talk. I would just say it and say it and say it and say it and say it. And I swear to God, I did it with my ex-best friend, I did it with my ex, and I saw difference rapidly. Like, rapidly. And I'm even quite sure...

that they sent me the apology text after I started doing that. Because one thing I am sure of in this world is that a person with narcissistic traits or a big ego or anyone that generally needs to feed off the energy of another person because they cannot supply it for themselves, anyone that is that kind of a vampire, they feel that shit. Like the second you cut your energy to them, even if it's in a minor way, like you've gone on a new date and you genuinely enjoyed it and it's been a few months since you broke up and you finally got on a date and you've enjoyed it.

Or you've had a great conversation with a friend that's left you thinking, yeah, no, fuck that. Or you saw a picture of them and you thought, ugh, for the first time. And it's like a little revelation. I am...

I'm absolutely convinced that these people feel that shit because it has happened one too many times to me where it's like I've been absolutely miserable, yearning for this person to come back to me. And then the second I finally get to the point where I'm like, you know what? I don't need them. I get a text. My phone dings the second that I finally let go. And I think it's because they feel...

it's like they they suddenly start receiving less energy like their body can sense it and then they're like well what's my best plug for like it's all subconscious and they're like where did it where where my my energy had been coming from where and they know it was from you and so they reach out and they try and lock back into that energy source don't let it happen anyway use that little manifestation if you're struggling to get over someone because it really helped me and then just start saying other things too like I cannot recommend a hot girl walk enough

And I used to, I remember when this whole thing happened to me, I was, again, so traumatized. I went to Millett's, right, which is a camping store in the UK. I'm pretty sure it was Millett's. And I bought a little one-man tent and I bought a little blow-up mattress and I packed my car up and I went camping completely by myself. And I hung up a little, like, dreamcatchery thing in my tent and I had a book and I made it cozy and I traveled for...

I mean, I traveled, traveled is a generous word, but I mean, I traveled down the coast of the UK on my way to Cornwall for like four or five days and just like stayed over in places at night and drove during the day and read my book. And I didn't really have my phone on me because I had no charger. I had a little flip phone.

And I just camped by myself and I would walk. I would go for these long, long, long walks in the middle of nowhere. And I would just talk out loud to myself and repeat everything the person had done to me. And because like your friends only want to hear it so many times, there's only so many outlets for it, right? Even your therapist, maybe you can only see them once a week or every other week. And so I would just walk around telling myself what happened and explaining as if there was a camera crew on me or like as if I was with someone interviewing me or with a friend even, right?

I would explain what happened as if someone was listening, as if someone was hearing it. And I was trying to make it articulate and I was trying to say it in the right way. And I would do that as a hobby. Like I would do that daily, multiple times a day. I would just walk around in the middle of fucking nowhere, like explaining things to absolutely no one. And it was really therapeutic because sometimes you just need to get it out. And sometimes the more you articulate something too, um,

you can come to realizations through speaking because like a lot of times you can get caught up in your head and then you know you'll have a good conversation with a friend and you'll word something in a specific way that suddenly like your brain clicks and you're like oh wait that makes a lot of sense now that I say it like that um

So I highly recommend hot girl walks and just kind of talking to yourself, saying manifestations, getting your energy back up, because if your vibrations are low, it's not good stink. We need to like you need to go and listen to some music and get a little pump, like get a, you know, get walking, see some nice views, turn off the sad music. That's OK for a while. But then you need to start getting your vibrations high.

higher you need to start saying manifestations you need to start getting excited about life again and everything else will start to fall into place around that but I deeply believe in manifestation and I think if you're looking to start and you're going through this kind of thing right now a good thing to start doing is working on cutting those energy ties because bitch they're real I swear to god they're fucking real okay anyways I'm gonna end this podcast right here that felt really good like that felt amazing I might we might have to do another take of that just so I can keep fucking talking shit but like

Anyway, that felt great. Okay, I'm so hungry. I think I'm going to go get a Tesco's meal deal and, I don't know, eat it with my dog. Thank you guys for being here and listening to me absolutely vent. And I hope you're not going through something similar. But if you are, I hope maybe this brought you a little bit of comfort because it weirdly comforted me. So anyways, I love you guys so much and I will see you next Monday. Be there or be square, bitch. Love you.