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cover of episode How to detach and end toxic cycles in 2025 - choose your PURPOSE over a PERSON.

How to detach and end toxic cycles in 2025 - choose your PURPOSE over a PERSON.

2025/1/27
logo of podcast Date Yourself Instead

Date Yourself Instead

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Lyss: 我知道放下深爱的人有多难,特别是那种你曾以为可以共度一生的人,那种每天醒来都能看到的人,你最好的朋友,你生命中的挚爱,你无法想象没有他们的人生。我理解这种感受,因为我经历过,我经历过几段认真的感情。 我从14岁到22岁经历了一段长期关系,大约八年,期间分分合合。这是我第一次体验到什么是糟糕的关系,但那时我还年轻,我们都在高中。我们高一认识,年龄相同,都很年轻。显然,14岁时你并不真正理解真爱的概念。那时没有社交媒体,没有Instagram,也没有播客、工具和Spotify来获取建议,来了解约会和真爱的概念。 这段经历塑造了我对爱情的理解,也让我在未来的恋爱中不断重复同样的模式。这段关系是我不断重复有害模式的开始。我的第二段感情也重复了很多第一任男友身上的模式,直到分手后我才意识到。我感觉我是在和同一种人约会,只是换了不同的躯壳。 我30岁时结束的最后一段感情,我们断绝了所有联系。我意识到即使那个人也包含了我第一任男友的一些特质。这段感情也展现了我第一段感情中感受到的有害模式。 我意识到,年轻时与伴侣的最初经历会真正奠定我们对正确关系的认知,这就是我们开始这些模式和循环的方式。然后我们依附于它们,当我们重复这些模式时,它就变成了同样的叙事和烂摊子,最终以失败告终。然后我们再次心碎,再次崩溃,再次被打败。我们想,为什么这种事会发生在我身上?我做错了什么?如果你一直重复同样的有害关系模式,你会理解这个概念。 因为这种情况很常见,我收到很多关于这个问题的私信,我经历过,我理解。这就是我恋爱史的背景,我肯定可以更深入地探讨我生命中每一个约会对象,但我不会在这期节目中详细说明,因为我想直奔主题。 我只是想让你们了解一下我的经历以及我的信息来源。因为我也经常收到这个问题。你是治疗师吗?你获得心理学认证了吗?你到底是什么人?我会说,不,我开始做播客不是因为我学习过心理学,我从未想过要真正学习。 全职做这件事。我一直想做,我喜欢说话,我喜欢分享我的智慧和知识,但我开始做播客不是从专业的角度出发。我是为了与他人建立联系,从友谊的角度出发。我觉得与他人建立联系、分享我的建议是我的热情所在。我并不是说我在人际关系方面是专业人士,但我有很多经验。我认为当你经历了很多个人经历时,它会塑造你的性格。它会给你所需的知识和智慧。我认为亲身经历与不同类型的男人打交道,处理不同类型的人际关系动态,我确实有很多见解和知识带到播客中。 所以,如果你喜欢它,并且觉得它很贴切,请继续收听。我很感激你在这里。但我希望创作这期节目,首先是为了验证你的感受,如果你正在经历非常痛苦的心碎,并且觉得很难放下和忘记你真正爱的人。其次,我想分享我的一些生活经历,向你展示沉溺于他人是多么容易,以及你可以做些什么来改变它,你可以做些什么来摆脱它,并开始专注于你的使命和未来的自己,而不是你如此依恋的那个人。 我今天也决定提出这个话题,因为回到伦敦重新开启了我以前在这里的许多人际关系。去年我在伦敦和一个男人约会,他回到了我的生活中。我一下飞机,就收到了他的信息。 他试图和我见面。他给我发信息说他想和我聊聊,说他觉得我在故事里很漂亮。我想,你还记得吗?你还记得发生的事情吗?你还记得你如何在获得纽约免费假期并利用我的公寓后把我甩掉吗?有时你就是不明白一个人大脑是如何运作的,因为如果你有任何正常的同情心和人类同理心,你最体面的事情是首先道歉。这是我最重要的事情。如果你搞砸了,如果你犯了错误,我认为重建联系最简单的方法是从承认错误并道歉开始。嘿,我犯了一个非常严重的错误,如果你有时间,我想和你谈谈。但是没有。 那并没有发生。发生的是几个月前我断绝联系时处理的同样的废话。我的一部分自我想回复,因为我还依恋于“如果”的想法。在那段时间里,当那些事情在夏天结束时,我真的很心碎。 如果你听过《如何从心碎中恢复过来,你值得更好,我也是》这期节目,那期节目涵盖了我当时经历的很多事情。你可以在我的声音中听到。你可以听到我有多悲伤。你可以听到我有多疲惫。现在我的状态完全不一样了。几个月后,我已经完全恢复了。我很好。在退一步之后,我意识到那个人对我来说是最不相容的人,不值得我花哪怕一丁点精力。 即使我知道所有这些都是合乎逻辑的,而且我内心深处也相信这一点,但我内心深处仍然有一小部分想要回复,说,你在做什么?发生了什么事?你为什么给我发信息?但我深吸了一口气。 我镇定下来,不断提醒自己我在疗伤方面取得了多大的进步,以及即使我和这个人坐下来吃晚饭,并就发生的事情进行交谈,我认为也不会改变任何事情,因为当一个人本质上不好时,什么也不会改变。我认为 每种情况都不同,但如果你依恋于一个不想要你,并且内心深处不关心你的人,那么继续依恋不会改变任何事情。继续想着他们,把你的精力放在他们身上,并希望事情会有所好转,这不会改变任何事情。你内心深处知道是否有人关心你。 你内心深处知道。你知道他们是否像你爱他们一样爱你。你会知道的。因为我有这样的好朋友。我有这样的家人。即使在最糟糕的时候,最糟糕的时候,这些人也会支持你,为你撑腰。所以,如果你和他们吵架,或者和他们闹翻了, 你知道,如果你最终能够再次沟通,那么沟通是值得的。重新联系是值得的,因为你知道你们彼此相爱。但是有很多听这个播客的人…… 他们依恋并把自己的精力投入到那些不以同样的方式爱他们,不以同样的方式希望他们过得最好,不以同样的方式支持他们,不为他们撑腰的人身上。你为什么把宝贵的、美好的精力投入到那些不为你撑腰,不以同样的方式爱你的人身上?是的,我理解感受就是感受,情绪是有效的。你感受到的一切都是有效的。 我没有否定这一点,因为我经历过,我理解爱上一个感觉不一样的人是什么感觉。感觉不好。但让你感觉良好的事情是最终学会如何将这份爱投入到你自己身上,因为我知道这很老套,但要把它投入到你的目标中。把它投入到让你兴奋的事情中。 当你找到一个让你每天都兴奋地起床的激情、目标和使命时, 当你把你的精力和爱投入到那些看不到你价值的人身上时,那个人会变得越来越小,越来越不重要。我要把它和这个男人的例子联系起来,因为它太近了,太新鲜了。他就像给我发信息,关注我。我想,发生了什么事?他只是把自己重新带回了我的生活中。 我甚至三个月都没和他说过话……我想现在已经三个月了,在那件事发生后,我完全没有联系他。他对我做了很糟糕的事情。就像…… 我当时太善良了。我认为我当时对他结束事情时说的话非常宽容和理解。他说,你知道,我,你知道,我很困惑。我正在处理我的生活,等等,无论他说什么。我现在甚至完全不记得了。但我当时想,哦,是的,我明白了。是的,是的,我明白了。然后在我摆脱困境后,我想,到底发生了什么?我简直不敢相信。 有人竟然敢这样对我,在我如此出色、充满爱心的情况下,这样把我从地上拉起来。 体贴、富有同情心、善良的人。我爱自己。我真诚地爱自己。在我的能量场中甚至有这样一个人,竟然敢这样对我,这真是太不应该了。我认为对我来说,这种疏离来得很快,因为我足够爱自己,知道自己的价值,知道自己 我再也不容忍这种事了。也许两三年前我会。也许几年前的我容忍过这种事。我认为尤其是我最后一段感情,我经历的以及被严重背叛为我设定了一个新的自我爱标准,因为我想,我再也不会和任何人经历这种狗屁事了。如果我再经历,我会立即断绝联系。所以对我来说,我确实断绝了联系。而且…… 我更生气的是,在我对自己做了所有努力之后,竟然还会在我的能量空间中容忍这种人。我想,绝对不行。这是我最后一次机会。再见。疏离来自于…… 不仅看到了我的价值,并且在内心深处知道这一点,只是知道,好吧,这个人现在无关紧要了,因为我知道我的丈夫永远不会做这个人做的事情,或者根本不会成为这个人。就像,我的丈夫永远不会。但这把我的愤怒、我的痛苦、我的悲伤以及我对这种情况的任何感觉都投入到了我的目标中,对吧? 我催化能量,并把它投入到我的目标中,那就是播客,对吧?现在,这可以是你想要的任何东西,但你必须弄清楚你的人生使命是什么。你最热衷于什么?你最兴奋的是什么?是什么驱动你?是什么激发了你的创造力?然后专注于此。这就是你将把精力投入到其中的东西,当有人对你不好,欺骗你,和你分手,伤你的心,无论是什么。 由于另一个人而产生的任何负面情绪,我都希望你将这种能量转化为创造力,看看你会感觉好多少。现在,这并不是最终的、万能的疗法,因为显然,悲伤是很重要的。感受事物是很重要的。但这是我的疏离技巧。这是关键。这是疏离艺术的一部分,是将你的心碎投入到使命和目标中。 这实际上就是我的播客最初是如何创建的。我当时正与伤害我、摧毁我、背叛我的人们经历着有害的废话。我说,我该如何将这种能量转化为目标,转化为项目?这就是艺术家们如何生活的。这就是艺术家们如何生活和呼吸他们的痛苦。他们把他们的痛苦转化为艺术。音乐家们,他们把他们的痛苦转化为音乐。 画家们,他们把他们的痛苦转化为画布上的绘画或其他形式的艺术,无论什么。运动员们,我相信当他们对某事非常情绪化和激动,并且正在经历糟糕的事情时,他们会把自己的精力投入到这项运动中。 你必须转化能量。如果你在床上躺几个月,如果你停滞不前,如果你仍然沉浸在这种迷雾中,我无法相信他们这样对我。我不知道该怎么办。我感觉很糟糕。我感觉自己一无是处。你明白了。如果你停留在那里,你就会停留在那里,你总是会悲伤。我认为把这与…… 我想在2025年更多讨论的一个方面联系起来,那就是抑郁症的概念。 这就是抑郁症的根源。这是我的观点。我知道它的一部分是遗传性的,因为我确实做了一些检测。我认为它与你的23andMe或其他什么东西有关。但我做了一些DNA检测,我收到一份报告,说我的母亲那边家族有躁郁症。我已经知道这一点,因为我从小就患有抑郁症。我会出现这些疯狂的不规律的情绪波动。 小时候的状态。我记得很清楚。一会儿我很好。下一分钟我就感到这种沉重和抑郁。然后字面意义上一个小时后,我又好了。这从我非常非常小的时候就开始了。所以我确实相信存在遗传因素,当然。我也相信 另一方面是控制它,不要让它控制你,通过能量工作进行一些严重的代际疗伤和解开创伤。我已经做了很多工作,我已经到了我的位置。我已经把我的大脑调整到不再波动情绪的状态。这是一个多种因素的组合,对吧?但是 对我来说,我注意到,当我感到沮丧、低落、感觉非常非常糟糕时,真正有帮助的是转化能量。 有时你必须强迫自己去做,因为当你处于低谷时,你不会想去做。你不会想起床。你不会想离开沙发。你不会想离开你的公寓。你不会想和任何人说话,因为你很沮丧。抑郁症非常有趣,因为它会告诉你,它基本上会告诉你你很糟糕。它只会告诉你不要费心做任何事情。就待在家里,痛苦吧。你会以不同的视角看待世界。 然后当你摆脱困境时,你会想,哦,我的上帝,我怎么会认为自己什么也做不了?就像,我很棒。我爱自己。就像,我为什么要这样想?但是抑郁症会影响你对自己的判断,它会让你做一些你不会做的事情。它会让你想起一些你通常不会想起的想法。它几乎感觉像是你无法控制的。但我学到的是,你必须与之抗争,与之抗争。 采取强烈行动来对抗它,以摆脱它。说起来容易做起来难,但我越来越擅长掌握它,并理解当这些想法出现时,当我感觉这样时,我必须强迫自己,推动自己摆脱它。然后一旦我做到,当我到达更轻松、更明亮的另一边时,我会想,谢天谢地我救了自己。谢天谢地我把自己从困境中拉了出来。我必须成为我自己的英雄。 正如我所说,这并不像听起来那么容易,也许我说的那样容易,当然,我理解。对于那些与心理健康作斗争的人来说,你们都理解。这不是一场轻松的战斗,但是…… 有一些应对方法。有一些处理方法。我认为对我来说,我所做的,把它与这期节目联系起来,就是转化能量。所以当我离开,在我今年的疗伤之旅中,只是试图真正治愈我的心,并弄清楚我最后一段感情的事情,因为我一直在那里储存和埋藏了很多创伤。 我和一群女性参加了一个仪式,其中一个女人认出了我,然后我们开始交谈,然后我发现她认识我的前任,她知道他是谁,他当然对她编造了一堆关于我的谎言以及所有的事情。 我很震惊她竟然知道他是谁,因为他只是一个没有社交媒体存在感的普通人。我甚至不知道我怎么会不知道这件事是怎么发生的,或者她是怎么认识他的。这很可疑。与此同时,它像是在极度地激怒我。 在我把所有的时间和精力都投入到治愈我的心之后,遇到这个女人,这对我来说是最大的考验,因为那一刻感觉像是让我退步了,我度过了非常糟糕的一天,我非常沮丧,我非常受刺激。我记得当时感觉就像是一团沮丧、愤怒、焦虑。那天我整个人都不 好。我茫然地走来走去。我想,这是怎么回事?为什么这件事又浮出水面了?我来巴厘岛是为了疗伤。我来巴厘岛是为了他妈的疗伤。现在我遇到这个女孩,她告诉我她认识我的前任,我不知道他们做了什么。他们在一起了。我不知道。我他妈的不知道。我字面意义上不知道。 因为我现在很难相信别人。所以我就想,你知道吗?我需要对这种能量做点什么。我不能停留在这种情绪中。而我做过的最难的事情就是去……听起来有点傻,但这改变了一切。我去水疗中心,跳进冰浴中。无论如何,我付了20美元,无论多少钱,买了一张水疗通行证,跳进冰浴中。 听起来如此简单,如此愚蠢,只是大声说出来。但我告诉你,当你以任何方式、任何形式改变你的能量时,它会改变你的时间线,改变你的情绪,改变你的心情,改变一切。然后你就会开始吸引新的体验,并根据你的思维方式改变你的现实。所以当我这样做的时候,我在冰浴中遇到一个男人。 然后我们开始交谈,和他交谈,告诉他发生了什么事,然后同时感到寒冷,这完全改变了我的心情、我的情绪、我的现实。我让自己回到了一个对一切都感觉很平静的地方,我再也不受刺激了,感觉很好。我 我的抑郁症消失了。我突然变得更快乐了。我从冰浴中出来。我太冷了,甚至悲伤都感觉不到了。你知道我的意思吗?你必须做一些会震惊你身体的事情。你也可以洗个冷水澡。 然后听听自助播客,或者给一个你知道会帮助你摆脱困境的朋友打电话。但是要做事情,采取行动来转化能量。再次强调,关键是要把这些消极的想法、情绪、模式,用你的力量摧毁它们,因为你比它们强大。你比这些想法更好。你比这些想法更有力量。你可以控制。 然后只转化能量。将这种能量转化为积极的东西。而这种方式会让你感觉就像,哦,我不想这样做。我最后想做的事情是在我非常生气的时候跳进冰冷的浴缸里。我不喜欢那样。那不是我醒来后想做的事情。我知道有些人喜欢,哦,我喜欢泡冰浴,挑战自己。我想,不,我不喜欢,我不喜欢挑战自己。我不喜欢挑战自己。我喜欢待在舒适区。如果 如果由我决定,我会在冬天裹着厚厚的舒适毯子坐在沙发上腐烂。我会的,但我知道从长远来看,这对我的心理健康来说会很糟糕。所以你必须强迫自己改变能量。这与疏离艺术有关,因为当你转化能量时,你实际上是在从你所依恋的东西中分离出来。 无论你依恋什么想法,无论你坚持什么糟糕的能量状态,因为你想停留在痛苦中,你现在都允许自己与之分离,并转移到一个你感觉良好、感觉更好、感觉更扎实的新现实中。你不会沉溺于悲伤的情绪,你也不会依恋这些消极的想法。而且…… 很多人会问我,我无法忘记这个人,或者我似乎无法摆脱我所处的这个工作环境,或者我的老板讨厌我,我在工作中很痛苦。当你与前任一起工作时,你会怎么做?人们会经历很多情况。他们必须面对他们处于非常具有挑战性的情况。但我给你建议,让你分离,真正掌握移除能量的艺术 就是转化它。把能量用起来。如果你对某人感到困扰,如果你心碎了,如果你因为一段感情或另一个人而处于痛苦的低谷,你能对这些感受、这种情绪和这种能量做些什么,并把它转化为创造性的东西?你能做什么?你对什么充满热情?现在就写下来。拿出你的手机备忘录应用或纸和笔。 或者你可以只是想想,但我强烈建议写下来,因为写下你的想法对你的潜意识很有好处,它能帮助你处理事情,你可以回头看看,很容易记住。作为提醒,你对什么充满热情?你现在能为之努力什么?你现在能做些什么来转化你的能量?想想看。 你小时候喜欢做什么?在你遇到那个人之前,几年前你喜欢做什么?你对什么充满热情?我认为我学到的一件重要的事情是,我倾向于分心和偏离正轨,我与错误的人一起放弃了我对生活的热爱。这也是你如何知道某人是否不适合你,如果你开始放弃的不只是你自己,还有你的激情,还有你对生活的热爱,让你兴奋的东西。 我以前骑马。我打网球。我小时候打排球。我打篮球。我游泳。我上声乐课。我参加音乐剧。我烘焙。我小时候做了所有的事情。我的父母,他们让我在学校参加了很多课外活动。我唱了10年歌剧。也许我会重新开始。我接受过歌剧的古典训练。我参加过比赛。我参加过骑马比赛。我 我全身心地投入到生活中。我全身心地投入到我的激情、我自己和我的生活中。我小时候真的就是这样。我可以这么说,因为我知道很多人可能没有这种特权。所以我非常、非常感激我拥有过。这并不是说我非常富有。这并不是说我的父母有很多钱。他们没有。他们没有。但他们希望我拥有生活体验。他们把钱优先用于给孩子们提供体验和良好的教育。这就是…… 一件美好的事情。正如我所说,我对此非常、非常感激。但我约会男人期间失去了所有这些。就像,字面意义上,我失去了我最热爱的生活,做有趣的事情,为了坠入爱河而做很酷的事情。我并不是说我后悔任何事情,因为我没有。如果我没有经历这一切,我也不会在这里做一个播客,谈论约会自己而不是别人。但是 这让我经常想起我的童年,因为我想,我现在快32岁了,我能做些什么来培养那个内心的孩子?我能采取什么措施来重新点燃那个内心的孩子,再次成为自己人生的明星,再次爱上自己,做一些让我早上醒来感到兴奋和快乐的事情?我现在正在考虑这个问题。 2025年是我再次全身心地投入到我的激情中的一年。我要做很酷的事情。我要创作艺术。我要创作音乐。我要用很酷的人创作更多播客节目。这让我兴奋。当你如此专注于使命和目标时,你就能摆脱废话,因为你对自己的使命如此兴奋,以至于那些人会从地图上消失,他们不再是你时间线的一部分了。对。 如果有人让你远离你对生活的热爱、你对生活的热情和你的激情,那就再见。他们不应该出现在你的生活中。这不仅仅是,哦,他们对我不好,或者,哦,他们没有真正回复我的短信,我不知道他们是否喜欢我,我对这段关系感到困惑。不仅仅是这些。当你躺在病床上时,看看更大的图景。你想记住你的生活是一个从一段关系跳到另一段关系,有害模式和有害循环的人,并且如此依恋那些看不到你价值的人吗?或者你想被记住是因为你的他妈的使命、遗产以及你被赋予来到这个世界上要完成的事情吗?让我重复一遍,因为这是这期节目最重要的部分。你想被记住是一个粘人、需要、执着于 过去的关系和模式,总是被一段关系和一个男人的能量所吞噬的人,以及一个无法尊重你、善待你的人吗?或者你想被记住是因为你的遗产以及你被赋予来到这个世界上要创造和成为的东西吗?你是超级巨星。你是一颗超级巨星。如果你生命中有一些人让你远离这一点,让你远离你有多特别和重要, 你必须离开,而不仅仅是为了,哦,你值得更好。你在这里有目标。你有一个使命,你现在还没有完成,因为你太专注于某人不像你想要他们那样想要你。是的。这就是真相。这是我不得不面对的事情,因为我的一生都是如此。我的一生都在迎合人际关系,并且 想着我的伴侣,我和每一个约会对象都有美好的回忆和教训。是的。我不会收回任何事情,因为正如我所说,我现在不会在这里谈论它。但我现在在我的30多岁时已经达到了一个新的阶段,我想, 不再这样了。不再浪费我的精力或我有多特别,也不再把我的超级巨星能量投入到那些看不到我有多特别和重要的人身上。有什么意义呢?有什么意义呢?这将如何为我和我的未来自我服务?不会。 所以,甚至没有必要考虑它。这就是我如何疏离的。这一切都与疏离的艺术有关。它知道你为什么在这里,你的目标是什么,以及看待更大的图景而不是更小的细节,比如,哦,我真的很喜欢他,他不喜欢我。好吧,当你85岁的时候,这真的重要吗?当你90岁的时候,你就像我说的那样,接近生命的尽头,你 这重要吗?那重要吗?生命真的、真的很珍贵,时间是珍贵的,你的能量非常宝贵,你把能量和时间放在哪里真的很、很重要。我已经在每一期节目中都说过这一点,因为我想把它灌输到你的脑海中,它非常重要。如果你没有专注于你的使命,而是在专注于一个男人,你必须扭转它。你必须摆脱这种专注于错误事情的概念。 底线,我来这里是为了帮助你做到这一点。它也与我最近的一次经历有关,我与我在伦敦认识的一个男人约会了几次,他从夏天就在这里,情况还不错。我对当时的情况没有什么不好的话要说,他很好,等等。但是。 感觉好像有什么不对劲,对吧?你无法真正指出它。我想,我不知道。只是这种联系……这不是我想要的。我知道当我遇到我生命中的挚爱时,我会知道的。这将是一种天赐的联系。我会百分之百地投入其中,而且很确定。我知道另一个人也会在非常深的层面上理解我。所以当你约会时,你多少会知道它不会成功。对这个人没有什么不好的话要说。但是…… 我只是……我发现某些事情不是我想要的。我想,好吧,我不会继续了。我想说点别的,但我心想,不,这就是句子的结尾。我不会继续了,因为…… 它只是让我分心,让我无法把所有时间和精力都投入到我的品牌、我的播客以及我现在所做的一切中。是的,他很好。如果我无聊,我可以占用我的一天时间,和他一起出去玩,和他一起喝咖啡,和他一起吃晚饭吗?是的。从技术上讲,我可以利用我一天中的一些时间,并投资于这个人。我可以。但是当你有一个使命…… 把它与疏离联系起来,真正知道把你的能量和时间放在哪里,当你拥有那个目标和使命,并且你心想,等等,我可以做这个。我可以从事我的新业务。我可以追求我的梦想,无论你生活中想做什么。把精力放在建立那个帝国上,而不是一个我知道可能不是我丈夫的男人身上,更容易疏离,只专注于自己。对。 因为你还有别的东西。你需要别的东西来代替你所关注的东西,以便向前推进。我认为疏离伴随着拥有其他替代品。它不是另一个人。它不是用另一个人来代替那个人。它是用你的激情和使命来代替那个人。这将比跳入另一个关系或跳入另一个伴侣或其他任何事情更能帮助你疏离。 那会自然而然地发生。我爸爸总是说的话,请求我爸爸尽快在2025年参加播客。我爸爸总是说,当你专注于自己和你的工作时,那个人会自然而然地出现,你会知道的。 我已经知道这一点,但当他说出来时,它就像是在提醒我。就像它,它在我的脑海中根深蒂固,因为父母在某些事情上是最了解的。我每天都感谢我的父亲,因为他知道我的前任。他比他更早知道我的前任,出于某种奇怪的原因,他知道一切。他只是,这就像父亲的事情,我认为。他总是对我说,当你专注于你的工作,也就是我的使命时,那个人会来,因为那时你已经准备好迎接它了,因为你已经准备好了。 你自己,你会成为一个如此高版本的自己,因为你如此专注于自己和你的目标,你自然会吸引适合你的人。但你过去吸引了谁?想想看。你当时处于什么状态?我知道我总是潜意识地寻找,不是绝望地,不是绝望的方式,但我总是幻想遇到那个对的人。而且 我从未真正把我的全部精力,比如百分之百的精力投入到我自己身上。从来没有。因为总是像,下一个,下一个。好吧,我们分手了。下一个男人在哪里?我们分手了。下一个男人在哪里?而不是说,不,我们分手了。就是这样。 我现在有一个使命。我现在有一个目标,我将完成它,我将完成我的他妈的命运和我被赋予来到这个世界上要做的事情,因为我不想带着遗憾死去。而对的人会来增强这一点,并帮助我实现我的命运。我们可以一起工作,成为一个团队。但与此同时,现在这一切都很重要。 不再有约会应用、滚动和绝望。我的意思是,显然,你可以在应用上遇到那个对的人。我不是说约会应用不好,因为我知道很多人通过这种方式遇到了他们的人。但重点不是把你的全部精力都投入到其中。投入如此多的精力。投入如此多的精神空间。把精神空间投入到你的使命中。 投入到创造力、艺术、为自己而玩乐中,为你。然后你就会散发出如此金色的光芒和如此快乐的能量,因为你如此专注和驾驭自己的力量。你自然会吸引适合你的人,无论是朋友、同事,无论什么,新的工作环境或浪漫伴侣。当你如此驾驭自己的力量时,你会吸引正确的人。 说到这里,今天的《约会自己而不是别人》节目就结束了。如果你还没有,请务必查看我的大师班,《身心灵魂重置》和《敢于分离》。这两者都是提升、重置和改变你整个生活在2025年的最佳组合。在这两门大师班中,我们都有一个很棒的社区,结合学习这两门课程将帮助你在新年取得新的高度和新的水平,这绝对是保证的,并且 我创建这些大师班是为了让你成为你他妈的最佳版本。同时,把它与疏离的艺术联系起来,《敢于分离》是目前最受欢迎的大师班,因为我知道你们很多人都在试图与前任分离,与有害循环分离。这门大师班的设计就是为了在短短四天内做到这一点。你将被改变,分离,成为一个全新的人。在学习《敢于分离》之后,你将处于完全不同的时间线,生活在 完全不同的现实中。当你把它与《身心灵魂重置》结合起来时,这门课程是关于你的身体焕发光彩、精神焕发光彩、精神焕发光彩,你将变得面目全非。如果你有兴趣参加大师班,你可以访问节目说明中的链接,或者访问我的Instagram @Date Yourself Instead 或 @Dare to Detach。所有链接都在那里。如果你有任何问题,你也可以随时给我发私信或发送电子邮件至[email protected]。 此外,请务必在Apple和Spotify上评价播客,并在Spotify上关注它。这对我来说意义重大。它确实有助于节目的发展。如果你也喜欢这些节目,请在你的故事中分享它,与朋友分享它。谢谢。谢谢。谢谢,一如既往,感谢你来到这里。我希望这期节目引起了你的共鸣。我希望它对你有帮助。我爱你,下周一见。

Deep Dive

Chapters
The episode starts by discussing the difficulty of detaching from a long-term relationship, even when it's toxic. The host shares her personal experiences with toxic relationships, starting from her teenage years, and how these early experiences shaped her future relationships. She emphasizes the commonality of repeating these patterns and validates listeners' feelings.
  • Early relationship experiences can set the foundation for future relationship patterns.
  • Repeating toxic relationship patterns is common.
  • Understanding the root of the problem is crucial for breaking the cycle.

Shownotes Transcript

Translations:
中文

The art of detachment is knowing your purpose and creating love for your purpose instead of over another person. I know how hard it can be to detach from someone you love that you thought you could spend the rest of your life with.

And that one person that you literally woke up next to every single day for months or years and you felt like they were your best friend and the love of your life and you could never picture your life without them. I get it. I've been there. I've been in several serious relationships.

For those of you who are new to the podcast, I'm going to give you a little background on my story just so you have an idea of where my knowledge and experience is actually coming from. I don't know if I've actually made this into one episode and made it crystal clear, but I wanted to give you guys a little background, even if you've been listening to the podcast for a very long time. I think this episode is going to...

really making everything more clear for you as far as why I started the podcast and also my background and relationships and what I've learned from

dating people for long periods of time and then going through breakups and going through heartbreak and having to come out of those situations as a spiritual warrior because I get it. I know what it's like to be at rock bottom, to be heartbroken, to be bedridden and feel like you don't even want to get out of bed and take on your day because your heart is hurting. So

I was in a long-term relationship from the age of 14 until about 22, which is roughly eight years, I want to say. And it was on and off. It was definitely my first experience of what a toxic relationship is. But I was young and we were in high school. We met

My freshman year of high school, we were both the same age and we were both very young. And obviously, when you're 14 years old, you don't really understand the concept of what true love really is. And back in the day, when I was 14, there was no social media, there was no Instagram. And we didn't have access and resource to podcasts and tools and Spotify to listen to podcasts.

relationship advice and to go to different resources to understand the concepts of dating and what true love is really about. So back then, I know it sounds like I'm speaking as if I'm 90 years old, but it really wasn't that long ago when we didn't have access to these resources and tools the way that we do now and we didn't have access to the internet the way we do now. So it

I just remember during that period of my life, it was my first experience of love, what true love to me felt like at the time at 14 years old. I consider it my first love. I consider it my first real taste of what having a boyfriend was like and having a romantic partner was like. And it was interesting because even though it was a relationship where

everything was kind of blurry because when you're that young, you're kind of navigating puberty. You're navigating kind of figuring out who you are, what you want to do when you graduate. You don't really know your direction. You don't really have a purpose. You don't really have a clear sense of self in that time frame. So I feel like for me, it was actually a

a relationship that was kind of just setting the foundation for my future relationships because that was all I knew. And when I think something is all you really know and you're conditioned by it at such a young age, you tend to repeat the same patterns and cycles over and over again because that's what's ingrained in you as the foundation for relationships. So

Coming out of that relationship and starting it at such a young age and then having that set the foundation for eight years straight of what I thought a relationship was like, it really did affect my future relationships. I believe that relationship was the start of how I kept repeating toxic patterns and cycles. And...

My second relationship repeated a lot of the same patterns I saw in my first boyfriend, and I didn't even realize it until I was out of it.

But I felt like I was dating the same type of person just in different physical bodies. And then with my last relationship, which officially ended when I was 30 and we cut off all contact and it was just something that I have yet to really dive into on the podcast. I realized that even that person...

had parts of what my first boyfriend was to me. And even that relationship showed very toxic patterns and cycles that I had felt in my first relationship. So something I've realized is...

When we are young and we have those initial experiences with a partner and with a person, that can really set the foundation for what we think is right and what we think is the right thing in our relationships. And that's how we start these patterns and cycles. And then we get attached to them. And then when we repeat them, it's the same narrative and shit show where it doesn't work out.

And then we end up heartbroken and we end up crushed again and then we end up defeated again. And we're like, why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong? X, Y, Z. If you've been someone who's repeated the same toxic relationship patterns, you will understand this concept.

because it happens and it's common and I get a lot of messages about it and I've been there and I understand it. So that's kind of the context of my relationship history and I'm sure I could dive into much deeper details of each relationship and each person I've ever dated in my life, but I'm going to spare you the details on this episode because I want to get straight to the point.

But I just wanted to give you guys a little bit of background on what I've experienced and where my information comes from. Because I also get this question a lot. Are you a therapist? Are you certified in psychology? What is your deal? And I'm like, no, I never started the podcast because I studied psychology or I never even thought I was going to really study.

Do this full-time. I always wanted to and I love speaking and I love sharing my wisdom and my knowledge but I wasn't starting this from a Professional standpoint. I was starting this to connect with other people on a friendship standpoint I feel like it is a passion of mine to connect with other people share my advice as a best friend I'm not here to say that I'm a professional by any means when it comes to relationships but

I have had a lot of experience. And I think when you go through a lot of personal experience, it builds your character. It gives you the knowledge and wisdom you need. And I think being hands on and dealing with different types of men and dealing with different types of relationship dynamics, I do have a lot of insight and knowledge that I bring to the podcast.

So if you do enjoy it and you do feel like it's relatable, keep listening. And I'm very grateful that you're here. But I wanted to create this episode really to, one, validate your feelings if you are going through a really painful heartbreak and you feel like you're having trouble detaching and letting go of someone that you truly love. And two, I wanted to...

give you some of my life experiences and show you how easy it is to get lost in someone else and what you can do to change that and what you could do to pull away from that and actually start focusing on your mission and your future self versus that person that you're so attached to. I am

also decided to come up with this topic today because being back in London has reopened a lot of relationships that I had in previous experiences when I've been here. I was dating a guy this past year from London and he came back into my life. The second I landed and the second I stepped off the plane, I got a message from him saying

And he was trying to meet up with me. He was messaging me saying he wanted to catch up, saying that he thought I looked beautiful in a story. And I'm like,

Do you remember? Do you recall anything that just happened? Do you remember how you just debted me and kicked me to the curb after you got a free vacation in New York City and used me for my apartment? Sometimes it's just like you don't understand the psychology of how a person's brain works, because if you have any normal sense of compassion and human empathy, the most

decent thing you could do is first start off with an apology. That's my biggest thing. If you fucked up, if you made a mistake, I think the easiest way to rebuild a connection is to start off by owning it and issuing a sense of sorry. Hey, I made a really big mistake and I want to discuss it if you have a minute. But no.

That never transpired. What transpired was the same bullshit that I was dealing with several months ago when I had cut it off. And there was a part of my ego that wanted to reply because I was still attached to the idea of the what if. And at that time, when those things ended over the summer, I was really heartbroken.

If you listen to the episode, How to Heal from a Heartbreak, You Deserve Better, So Do I, that episode covers a lot of what I was going through at the time. And you could hear it in my voice. You could hear how sad I was. You could hear how drained I was. And now I'm in such a different place. Just a few months later, I've fully recovered. I'm totally fine. And after taking a step back, I realized that that person was like the least compatible person for me and didn't deserve an ounce of my energy.

Even though I know all of that logically and I believe it at my core, there was still a tiny piece of me that just wanted to reply and be like, what are you doing? What's going on? Why are you messaging me? But I took a deep breath.

I composed myself and I kept reminding myself of how far I've come in my healing and how it would never even be relevant or worth it. Even if I sat down and had dinner with this person and had a conversation with him about what happened, I don't think it would change anything because when someone is just not good at their core, nothing is going to change. And I think that

Every circumstance is different, but if you are attached to someone that doesn't want you and doesn't have your best interests at their core, nothing is going to change by staying attached. Nothing is going to change by continuing to think about them and put your energy into them and hope that things are going to work out. You know deep down if someone has your best interests at heart.

You know it at your core. You know if they truly love you the same way that you love them. You'll just know. Because I have good friends like this. I have family like this. Where you know even in the worst of times and the shittiest of times, those people are going to stand by you and have your back. So if you have an argument with them or you have a falling out with them,

You know that if you eventually get to the point where you're communicating again, it's worth the communication. It's worth reconnecting because you know that you have this love for each other. But there's so many people listening to this podcast that...

attach themselves and bury their energy into people that don't love them the same, that don't wish the best for them the same, that don't support them the same, that don't have their fucking back. Why are you investing your valuable, beautiful energy in people that don't have your back, that don't love you the same? Yes, I understand feelings are feelings and emotions are valid. Everything you're feeling is valid.

I'm not canceling that out because I've been there and I understand what it's like to love someone that doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel good. But what will feel good is eventually learning how to take that love and not only put it into yourself, because I know that's super cliche, but put it into your purpose. Put it into something that excites you.

When you find a passion and a purpose and a calling that excites you to wake up every single day,

And you put your energy and your love into that instead of another person that can't see your worth. That's when your life will change and you will become a brand new fucking human being. You will love yourself more just by following your purpose and your passion. You will love yourself more by following your calling and following what you were put here on this earth to do. When you discover that, you will...

Not invest as much as you used to invest in other people because you were so focused on the mission. The art of detachment is knowing your purpose and creating love for your purpose over a person, over another person.

When you love your job and you love your work and you love what you're building over a person, the person becomes smaller and smaller and smaller and less significant. I'm going to tie it into this example of this guy because it's so recent. It's so fresh. He was like messaging me, followed me. I was like, what is going on? He just kind of like fired himself back into my life.

And I haven't even spoken to him in three... I want to say it's three months now that I went completely no contact after that whole thing happened. I was done dirty by him. Like, it was...

I was like being too nice at the time. I think I was being very forgiving and understanding at what he was saying when he ended things. And he was like, like, you know, I'm, you know, I'm confused. I'm working out my life, blah, blah, blah, whatever he said. I don't even fully fucking remember at this point. But I was like, oh, yeah, I get it. I do. Blah, blah, blah. I get it. I get it. And then after I pulled myself out of it, I was like, what the fuck just happened? I cannot believe this.

That someone has the audacity to flip a switch on me like that, to pull the rug out from under me like that when I am such an amazing, loving person.

caring, empathetic, kind human being. I love myself. I genuinely love myself. And to even have someone in my vibrational field that had the audacity to treat me the way that he treated me was very uncalled for. And I think for me, the detachment came really fast because I loved myself enough to know my worth and to know that I was

that I don't stand for that shit anymore. Maybe I did two, three years ago. Maybe a version of me a couple years back tolerated shit like that. And I think especially with my last relationship, what I went through and being severely betrayed set a new bar of self-love for me because I was like, I'm not going through this bullshit with anyone ever again. And if I do, I'm cutting it off immediately. So for me, I did cut it off. And...

I was just more mad at myself for even entertaining this type of person in my energetic space after all the work I had done on myself. I was like, absolutely fucking not. This is my last straw. Goodbye. And the detachment came from...

Not only seeing my worth and knowing it at my core and just knowing, okay, this person is just irrelevant now because I know that my husband would never do what this person did or be this person in general. Like, my husband could never. But it was putting my anger and my bitterness and my sadness and any feelings I felt towards the situation into my purpose, right?

I catalyze the energy and I put it into my purpose, which is the podcast, right? Now, this could be anything you want for you, but you have to get clear on what your mission is in life. What are you most passionate about? What are you most excited about? What drives you? What sparks your creative side? And then focus on that. And that is what you are going to put your energy into when someone does you dirty, fucks you over, breaks up with you, breaks your heart, whatever it is.

Any negative emotions that you're feeling because of another person, I want you to take that energy and channel it creatively and watch how much better you feel. Now, it's not the end-all, be-all cure because obviously it's important to grieve. It's important to feel things. But this is my hack to detachment. This is the key. This is part of the art of detachment is putting your heartbreak into a mission and into a purpose.

That's literally how my podcast was created in the first place. I was going through toxic bullshit with people that hurt me, that destroyed me, that betrayed me. And I said, how can I alchemize this energy and put it into a purpose, put it into a project? This is how artists live their life. This is how artists live and breathe their pain. They take their pain and they alchemize it into art. Musicians, they take their pain, they alchemize it into music.

Painters, they take their pain, they alchemize it into painting on a canvas or into different forms of art, whatever. Athletes, I'm sure when they're very emotional and wound up about something and they're going through shit, they channel their energy into the sport.

You have to alchemize the energy. If you sit in bed for months, if you stay stagnant, if you stay in this fog of, I can't believe they did this to me. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel shit. I feel worthless. You get it. If you stay there, you're going to stay there and you're always going to be sad. I think tying this into...

an aspect that I want to talk more about in 2025 is this concept of depression.

This is where depression stems from. This is my opinion. And I know part of it's genetic because I actually did some testing. I think it comes with like your 23andMe or whatever. But I did some DNA testing and I got a report back that bipolar disorder runs on my mother's side of the family. And I kind of knew this already because I grew up with depression. I would have these crazy irregular mood swings.

states as a child. I remember it very clearly. One minute I would be fine. The next minute I would just feel this heaviness and depression. And then literally an hour later, I would be fine again. And it started when I was very, very young. So I do believe there's an element of genetics, of course. And I also believe that

Another side to it is taking control of it and not letting it own you and doing some severe generational healing and unpacking the trauma through energy work. And I've done so much work on it that I've gotten my place. I've gotten my brain to a state where I don't fluctuate in moods anymore. And it's a combination of things, right? But

For me, I've noticed what really helps when I'm depressed, when I feel low, when I feel really, really shit is alchemizing the energy.

And sometimes you have to actually force yourself to do it because you're not going to want to do it when you're at your low. You're not going to want to get out of bed. You're not going to want to get off your couch. You're not going to want to leave your apartment. You're not going to want to talk to anyone because you're depressed. Depression is really interesting because it will tell you that it will basically just tell you that you suck. It'll just tell you don't even bother doing anything. Just stay in and be miserable. And you kind of see the world in a different lens.

And then when you're out of it, you're like, oh, my God, how did I ever think that I was like incapable of anything? Like, I'm amazing. I love myself. Like, why would I think that? But depression can cloud your judgment of yourself and it can make you do things that you wouldn't do. And it can think of thoughts that you wouldn't normally think about. And it almost feels like it's out of your control. But what I've learned is you have to fight it and fight.

take intense action to fight it in order to get rid of it. And it's easier said than done, but I've gotten better at mastering it and understanding when these thoughts come up, when I'm feeling this way, I have to force myself and push myself out of it. And then once I do and I get to the other side where it's lighter and brighter, I'm like, thank God I saved myself. Thank God I pulled myself out of this. I have to be my own hero.

And as I said, it's not as easy as it sounds, as maybe I'm making it sound, of course, and I get it. And for those of you who struggled with mental health, you get it. It's not an easy battle, but...

There are ways to cope. There are ways to deal with it. And I think for me, what I've done, tying this back into the episode, is alchemize the energy. So when I was away and I was on my healing mission after this year and just trying to really heal my heart and just figure things out with my last relationship because I had stored and buried a lot of trauma there.

I went to a ceremony with a group of women and one of the women recognized me and then we started talking and then I found out that she had known my ex and she knows who he is and he had crafted, of course, a bunch of lies to her about me and everything.

I was like shocked that she even knew who he was because he's literally just this random man with no social media presence. And I don't even know how I don't know how it happened or how she knew him. It was pretty sketchy. And at the same time, it like triggered me beyond belief.

after I had put all my time and effort into healing my heart and then to meet this woman, it was like the biggest test for me because it kind of felt like in the moment it set me back and I had a really bad day and I was just super depressed and I was very triggered. And I remember feeling just a mix of like depression, anger, anxiety. And that whole day I was like

Not OK. I was walking around in a daze. I was like, why is this happening and why is this resurfacing again? I came to Bali to heal. I came to Bali to fucking heal. And now I'm meeting this girl who's telling me that she knows my ex and I don't know who knows what they did. They hooked up. I don't know. I have no fucking I literally have no idea.

because it's hard for me to trust people at this point. So I'm just like, you know what? I need to do something with this energy. I cannot stay stuck in this emotion. And the hardest thing I ever did was go and... Sounds kind of like silly, but it changed everything. I went to the spa and I jumped in an ice bath. And whatever, I paid $20, whatever it was, got a spa pass and jumped in an ice bath.

And it sounds so simplified and so silly just to say it out loud. But I am telling you, when you shift your energy in any way, shape or form, it shifts your timeline and it shifts your emotions and it shifts your mood and it shifts everything. And then you'll start to attract new experiences and change your reality based on the way that you're thinking. So when I did that, I met a guy in the ice bath.

And then we started talking and talking to him, telling him what happened and then being freezing cold at the same time completely shifted my mood, my emotions, my reality. And I got myself back to a place where I felt very neutral about everything and I wasn't triggered anymore and I felt completely fine. And I

My depression went away. I was suddenly happier. I got out of the ice bath. I was like too cold to even be sad. You know what I mean? You have to do something that's going to shock your system. You could take a freezing cold shower and do this too.

And then listen to a self-help podcast or call a friend that you know is going to help you get out of it. But do things, take action to alchemize the energy. Once again, that is the key to take these negative thoughts, emotions, patterns, and destroy them with your strength because you are stronger than them. You are better than these thoughts. You are more powerful than these thoughts. You can take control.

and just alchemize that energy. Change that energy into something positive. And the way there is going to feel like, oh, I don't want to do this. The last thing I wanted to do was jump in a freezing cold bath while I was pissed off out of my mind. I don't enjoy that. That's not something I wake up and want to do. I know there's people out there that love, oh, I love taking ice baths and challenging myself. I'm like, no, I don't like, I don't like to challenge myself. I don't like to challenge myself. I like staying comfortable. If

If it was up to me, I would just sit and wrap myself in a thick, cozy blanket in the winter and sit on my couch and rot. I would, but I know that's going to be terrible long term for my mental health. So you just have to push yourself to change the energy. And this ties back into the art of detachment because when you alchemize the energy, you are essentially detaching from what you are clinging on to.

Whatever thoughts you were clinging on to, whatever bad energy state you were holding on to because you wanted to stay in the pain, you are allowing yourself to detach from it now and shift timelines and shift into a new reality where you feel good and you feel better and you feel more grounded. And you're not dwelling in sad emotion and you're not attached to these negative thoughts. And...

A lot of people will ask me, I can't get over this person or I can't seem to get out of this work environment that I'm in or my boss hates me and I'm miserable at my job. And what do you do when you work with an ex? And there are so many scenarios that people go through. They have to face where they're in really challenging situations. But my advice to you to detach, to really master the art of removing your energy and

is to alchemize it. Take that energy and do something with it. If you are feeling stuck on someone, if you are heartbroken, if you are at rock bottom in pain over a relationship or another person, what can you do with those feelings and that emotion and that energy and channel it into something creative? What can you do? What are you passionate about? Write it down right now. Get out your notes app on your phone or pen and paper.

Or you could just think about it, but I highly recommend writing down because writing down your thoughts is really good for your subconscious mind and it helps you process things and you can go back and just look at it and remember it very easily. As a reminder, what are you passionate about? What can you work towards right now? What can you work on right now that is going to alchemize your energy? Think about it.

What did you love to do growing up as a kid? What did you love maybe a few years ago before you met that person? What were you passionate about? I think a big thing for me that I've learned is I tend to get distracted and sidetracked and I abandon my love for life with the wrong people. That's how you know too if someone's just wrong for you is if you start abandoning not only yourself but your passions, but your love for life, what makes you excited.

I used to horseback ride. I played tennis. I played volleyball growing up. I played basketball. I swam. I took voice lessons. I was in musical theater. I baked. I did fucking everything under the sun when I was younger. My parents, they exposed me to a lot of extracurricular activities in school. I sung opera for 10 years. Maybe I'll get back into that. I was like classically trained in opera. I did competitions. I did horseback riding competitions. I

I was all in with life. I was all in with my passions and myself and my life. I really was growing up. And I have the privilege to say that because I know a lot of people maybe didn't have that privilege. So I'm super, super grateful that I did. And it's not that I was super wealthy. It's not that my parents had a lot of money. They didn't. They didn't. But they wanted me to have life experiences. And they prioritized their money towards giving their children experience and good education. And that's...

a beautiful thing. And I'm so, so grateful, as I said, for that. But I lost all of that in the midst of dating men. Like, literally, I lost what I loved the most about life and doing fun things and doing cool shit for the sake of falling in love. And I'm not saying I regret any of it because I don't. And I wouldn't be here on a podcast talking about dating yourself instead if I hadn't gone through all this. But

It makes me think and reflect back on my childhood a lot because I'm like, what can I do to nurture that inner child now at almost 32 years old? Like, what steps can I take to reignite that inner child and become the star of my own life again and love myself again and do what makes me excited and happy to wake up in the morning? Now I'm thinking about that.

2025 is a year where I go all in with my passions again. I'm going to do cool shit. I'm going to create art. I'm going to create music. I'm going to create more podcast episodes with cool people. That's what excites me. And when you are so deeply focused on the mission and the purpose, you are able to detach from bullshit because you're so excited about your mission that those people fall off the map and they're not a part of your timeline anymore. Right.

If someone is taking you away from your love for life and your zest for life and your passions, goodbye. They're not supposed to be in your life. It's more than just, oh, they don't treat me right or, oh, they're not really answering my texts and I don't know if they like me and I'm confused in the relationship. It's not just about that. Look at the bigger picture when you're on your deathbed. Do you want to remember your life as someone who just

jumped from relationship to relationship and toxic pattern and toxic cycle and was so attached to people that didn't see your worth? Or do you want to be remembered for your fucking mission and legacy and what you were put on this earth to accomplish? Let me repeat that because it's the most important part of this episode. Do you want to be remembered as someone who was clingy and needy and holding on to

to past relationships and patterns and was always consumed by the energy of a relationship and a man and someone who couldn't respect you and treat you right? Or do you want to be remembered for your legacy and what you were put on this earth to create and be? The superstar that you are. You're a superstar. If you have people in your life that are taking you away from that, taking you away from how special and important you are,

You got to leave and not just for the sake of, oh, you deserve better. You have a purpose here. You have a mission here that you're not fulfilling right now because you are so consumed by the idea of someone not wanting you the same way you want them. Yep. That's the truth. And it's something that I've had to face myself because my whole life was that. My whole life was catering to relationships and

thinking about my partner and there's beauty and there's lessons learned with every person I've dated. Yes. And I wouldn't take back a thing because as I said, I wouldn't be here right now talking about it. But I've reached a new point now in my life, in my 30s, where I'm like,

No more of that. There's no more wasting my energy or how special I am or investing my superstar energy into people who cannot see how special and important I am. What's the point? What would the point be? How would that be serving me and my future self? It wouldn't.

So there's no point in even entertaining it. And that's how I detach. It all ties back to this is the art of detachment. It's knowing why you're here, what your purpose is, and looking at the bigger picture versus the smaller details like, oh, I really like him and he doesn't like me. Okay, when you're 85 years old, is that really going to matter? When you're 90 years old and you're literally like, as I said, nearing the end of life, you're

Is this going to matter? Is that going to matter? Life is really, really fucking precious and time is precious and your energy is very valuable and where you're putting your energy and your time really, really matters. And I've said it on like every episode because I want to drill it in your head that it matters so much. And if you're not focused on your mission and you're focused on a man, you have to reverse it. You have to get rid of this concept of focusing on the wrong shit.

Bottom line, and I'm here to help you do that. And it kind of also bleeds into another experience I had recently where I went on a couple of dates with this guy that I've known since the summer here in London, and it was fine. I have nothing bad to say really about the situation I was in and he was nice and whatever. But.

It almost felt like just something was off, right? And you can't really put your finger on it. I'm like, I don't know. Just the connection wasn't... It's not really what I want it to be. And I know that when I meet the love of my life, I'm going to know. It's going to be a God-sent connection. And I'm going to be really 100% in it and sure. And I know the other person is just going to understand me on a very deep level. So you kind of just know when you're dating and it's not going to work. And nothing bad to say about this person. But...

I just... There were certain things that I didn't find were super compatible. And I was like, all right, well, I'm just not going to continue. I was going to say something else, but I'm like, no, that's really the end of the sentence. I'm not going to continue because...

It's just straying me away from all the time and energy I could be putting into my brand and my podcast and everything I'm doing right now. Yes, he's nice. Could I occupy my time if I'm bored and go hang out with him and get coffee with him and go to dinner with him? Yes. Technically, I could use some hours of my day and invest in this person. I could. But when you have a mission...

tying this back to detachment and really knowing where to put your energy and time, when you have that purpose and that calling and you're like, wait, I can be doing this instead. I could be working on my new business. I could be pursuing my dreams, whatever it is that you want to do in life. And putting energy towards building that empire instead of a man that I know is probably not my husband, it's so much easier to detach and just focus on yourself. Right.

Because you have something else. You need something else to replace what you're focused on in order to move forward. I think detachment comes with having a replacement for something else. And it's not someone else. It's not replacing that person with someone else. It's replacing that person with your passion and your calling. That's going to help you detach much better than jumping into another situationship or jumping into another partner or whatever.

That will happen. That will come naturally. Something my dad always says, petitioned for my dad to be on the podcast ASAP 2025. Something my dad always says is when you focus on yourself and your work, that person will come naturally and you're going to know.

And I kind of knew this already, but when he says it, it like reiterates it to me. Like it, it ingrains it in me because parents know best with certain things. I thank my dad every day because he knew about my ex. He knew about the ex before he, he knows everything for some weird reason. He just, it's like a dad thing, I think. And he always said to me, when you focus on your work, which is my mission, that person will come because then you'll be ready for it because you'll be so ready.

yourself, you'll be stepping into such a high version of yourself because you're so focused on yourself and your purpose that you're naturally going to attract the right person for you. But who have you attracted in the past? Think about it. And what state were you in? I know that I was always looking subconsciously, not like desperately, not in a desperate way, but I was always fantasizing about meeting the one. And

I never really put all of my energy, like 100% of my energy into me. Never. Because it was always like, on to the next one, on to the next one. Okay, we broke up. Where's the next guy? We broke up. Where's the next guy? Instead of being like, no, we broke up. That's it.

I have a mission now. I have a purpose now and I'm going to fulfill it and I'm going to fulfill my fucking destiny and what I'm put here on this earth to do because I don't want to die with regret. And the right person will come along and enhance that and help me build my destiny. And we can work together and be a team. But in the meantime, this is all that matters right now.

No more dating apps and scrolling and being desperate. I mean, obviously, you could meet the one on an app. I'm not talking badly about dating apps because I know a lot of people meet their person that way. But the whole point is not to put all of your energy into it. Invest so much energy into it. Invest so much mental space into it. Invest mental space into your mission.

into creativity, into art, into having fun for yourself, for you. And then you radiate such golden light and such happy energy because you're so focused and harnessed in your own power. You will naturally draw in people that are right for you, whether it be friendships, colleagues, whatever, a new work environment or a romantic partner. You will draw in the right people when you are so harnessed in your own power.

And with that being said, that concludes today's episode of Date Yourself Instead. If you haven't already, be sure to check out my masterclasses, the Mind, Body, Soul Reset and Dare to Detach. Both of those are the most amazing combination to uplevel and reset and transform your entire life in 2025. We have an amazing community in both of these masterclasses and taking them combined will help you reach new heights and new levels in the new year guaranteed and

These masterclasses I created so you could become the best fucking version of you. And also tying it into the art of detachment, Dare to Detach is the most popular masterclass of the two right now because I know a lot of you are trying to detach from your exes, detach from toxic cycles. And this masterclass was designed to do exactly that in just four days. You will be transformed, detached, and a brand new person. You will be on a totally different timeline and living in an

entirely different reality after taking Dare to Detach. And when you combine it with the Mind, Body, Soul Reset, which is all about your physical glow up, your mental glow up, your spiritual glow up, you will be so unrecognizable. If you are interested in joining the masterclasses, you could visit the link in the show notes or go to my Instagram at Date Yourself Instead or at Dare to Detach. All of the links are there. If you have any questions, you could always send me a DM or email daretodetach at gmail.com as well.

Also, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify and follow it on Spotify. It really means the world to me. It does help the show grow. Share it on your story. Share it with a friend if you're loving the episodes as well. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, as always, for being here. I hope this episode resonated. I hope it was helpful. I love you and stay tuned for next Monday.