people pleasing, advice session
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Well, hey there, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean anything, you want advice on. And I give you my own professional advice. And today's topic is people pleasing, which is something that I struggled with for many years, but I'm slowly but surely getting better at managing.

Being a people pleaser in theory is a good thing. You're pleasing people. Come on. How could that be harmful? But it is ultimately harmful to oneself to be a people pleaser. And I learned that the hard way time and time again throughout my life. And I still to this day learn that the hard way over and over again. But over the years, I've gotten a lot better about it. And so I feel somewhat...

ready to give you advice about the topic. So without further ado, let's begin. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. If you ever wanted to create a custom website, say for yourself or a business idea, Squarespace makes it easier than ever.

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I feel like as somewhat of a people pleaser myself, I understand this struggle, right? It seems like there's no obvious way to stand up for yourself without creating conflict. And to be honest, that is kind of true. Whenever you stand up for yourself in any capacity, you have to be okay with the fact that the person that you're standing up for yourself to is

might not respond warmly to that. Even if you do everything perfectly, even if you stand up for yourself as politely and respectfully and admirably as you possibly could, there's still a chance that the other person is not going to respond to that very well. And you sort of have to accept that. That's just inevitable.

But when it comes to the act of standing up for yourself, how do you do it without being mean? Well, it's simple. It comes down to your tone and your wording. When it comes to tone, I think it's very important to try your best to stay calm, to keep things somewhat casual in a way. In my experience, confrontation...

goes the best when the other person doesn't feel attacked, right? Instead of being like, hey, hey, you did this. What? Instead being like, hey, you know what? You did this. And it's like the immediate response from the other person when you approach the conversation in the second tone is

that I displayed is automatically going to be 100% better. The second that somebody gets yelled at, before they even can comprehend what's being said, they're putting their defenses up. They're like closing themselves off. If you approach a conversational conversation with a respectful, kind, non-threatening tone,

the person you're talking to will not feel defensive. You know, their immediate response will not be to get defensive. They're going to respond to you like they normally do. You know what I mean? I think tone is very important. And chances are, if you're a people pleaser, you're not going to have a hard time with that because I feel like people pleasers are

tend to communicate nicely, if even at all. I think the average people pleaser is not raising their voice, is not yelling in confrontation. So chances are you'll be fine. But now let's get to wording. Now, listen, you don't want to beat around the bush and you don't want to sugarcoat things because for a long time, I think I told myself I was good at communicating and good at confronting people.

But I really wasn't because I was beating around the bush and I was sugarcoating things and I wasn't being 100% firm in confronting the other person. I was kind of wishy-washy with it. You know what I mean? I was kind of too gentle with it. So you don't want to be too gentle, but you also don't want to be too mean, right? I think it's important whenever you're confronting somebody to remember this is another human being. They have feelings.

They make mistakes. They're not perfect. And they deserve a second chance a lot of times. Not always. Not always maybe a second chance. But they deserve...

at least like an opportunity to be confronted and then speak their mind and explain where they were coming from. So when it comes to the wording of everything, my suggestion would be to instead be pointing the finger and be like, you did this and you did this and you are bad and you suck and you stink and you, and you're, and you're poop and you smell like poop and you're poopy and you don't wipe. Instead of being like you, you, you, you be like,

Keep a nice balance between here's how I'm feeling. Here are some of your actions. Here are how those actions made me feel. Can you speak to why you did these things? Okay, now that makes more sense to me because I thought that you did these things because of this, but you actually did. You know what I'm saying? Instead of pointing the finger and saying, you did this because you're a bad person. Be like, you did this. It didn't make me feel good.

why did you do that? Like, instead of pointing the finger, balance a little bit of pointing the finger with sharing how you feel and also asking questions, asking, why did you do that? You know, I think the combination of a respectful tone and thoughtful wording can make standing up for yourself not less scary, but undoubtedly polite. Like, you don't have to feel

guilt, like, oh, I'm confronting them. I'm standing up for myself. You know, is this, am I doing the wrong thing? If you have a polite tone and you balance your wording and aren't just, you know, attacking this person and pointing the finger, you can't go wrong. All right, next. Somebody said, advice about how to say no as a people pleaser. Ooh, this is hard. This is hard. I still really struggle with saying no.

And to be honest, a lot of times when I say no, I'm usually making some sort of excuse. Like if somebody asked me to hang out and I don't want to, I'll be like, oh, I'm working today. Am I always working that day? No. Sometimes I am, but sometimes I'm not. You know, if somebody, if I'm single, let's say, and somebody asks me on a date and I don't want to go on the date, you know, I might say, oh, I'm still kind of getting over my ex or, oh, I'm...

I'm not really looking for anything like that right now. And I'm so sorry, but I'm just like, I'm not ready, like whatever. I'm usually making some sort of excuse. So to be completely honest, I don't think I'm gonna be able to give the best advice here because I'm not actually super good at being honest and just being like, can I be honest? No, no, I don't wanna do that. No, I'm not gonna do that because I don't want to. I'm not good at that, okay? I'm hesitant to give this as advice, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

I think if you're a people pleaser, the best place to start is to just find any way possible to say no. Because if you're a people pleaser, if you're a yes man, I used to be like this.

It is like agony to say no in any capacity. Even if you're fully... Let's say somebody invites you to their birthday party and you're on a family vacation in Aruba. You're literally 12 hours away, okay? There's no... On a plane, okay? There's no possible way, unless you live in Aruba. There's no possible way you could go to this party. If you're somebody who feels terrible saying, oh my God, I'm out of town, you're...

you are a real people pleaser. You are a real yes man like me. I literally have such a hard time. Oh my God, that just reminds me. Somebody invited me to their birthday party and I'm out of town. The birthday party is next week and I need to text them and say I can't go because I'm out of town and I feel so bad and I don't want to say that, but I have to because I am actually out of town. It's not even an excuse. If you're somebody who really struggles with saying no in any capacity, if you're somebody who's like, I wish I could fly home to go to a birthday party that I have to miss because I feel so bad, I'm not going to do that.

then you're in such a place that you need to figure out any way to say no. So if that means making an excuse at first, if that means, you know, making excuses that are maybe not 100% true, they're not harmful lies, but maybe they're white lies.

My suggestion is just to get comfortable with saying no and to show yourself that people aren't going to hate you if you say that you're busy, that you can't make it, that you can't go. You might need to start by lying at first, saying, oh, I have a dinner I have to go to. Oh, I have a meeting at that time. Oh, I can't go on a date because I already have a boyfriend. Lie. That's my advice. And you know what? I'm never going to give you the advice to lie.

ever again, probably. This is probably the only scenario in which I think lying is okay. If you are a people pleaser and you don't know how to say no, you might have to lie in the beginning just to get comfortable with saying no. And then you can start to challenge yourself with being completely honest. And that's something I'm personally working on right now is figuring out, okay,

what do I do when I'm actually just too tired to hang out? Or I'm not interested in this person romantically at all. Or I find somebody annoying and I don't really like hanging out with them. How do I start being more honest? I mean, the truth is, am I ever going to tell somebody that I'm not romantically interested in them? Probably not. Am I ever going to tell somebody that I think that they're annoying and that's why I don't hang out with them? Probably not. But maybe there are ways to

you know, potentially say no without having to lie. I don't know. And maybe the answer is, is just to learn to be comfortable with saying no with no explanation. You know, we don't owe anyone explanations in life. We don't owe anyone anything. Sometimes it's nice and even more polite to give an explanation, but sometimes it's probably less polite to

to give an explanation. You know, in the case of, oh, I think this person's annoying. I don't want to hang out with them. Oh, I don't feel physically attracted to this person. I don't want to go on a date with them. Maybe it's actually more polite to just say, oh, no thanks. Maybe that's my next step in my saying no journey is getting comfortable just saying no and being okay with not having an explanation or an excuse. Maybe that's the ultimate form of saying no. But I think practice makes perfect. The more that you do it,

And the more that you realize that everything's okay after, the more confident you'll become in your ability to say no. But I think in the beginning, it's okay to make some excuses here and there.

Next, somebody said, how did not feel guilty when I have to say no to people? Okay, very similar questions, but a little bit different. How did not feel guilty about saying no? Because saying no is one thing, but feeling guilty about it is another. Well, I would say when it comes to guilt, I think it can be helpful to put yourself in the person that you're saying no to's shoes, okay? How would you feel if the roles were reversed and somebody said no to you? Really think about it.

chances are you would be fine. And you know that. You would be totally fine. Okay? So think about yourself and how you'd be fine if they said no to you and let that eliminate some guilt for you. Okay? We don't need to baby each other. In fact, we shouldn't. I don't think it's good to baby each other in life.

Being rejected, having people say no to you, having people be honest with you, this is very important to maintaining healthy relationships in life, becoming more independent as a person. If somebody says no to hanging out or going on a date with you or...

whatever, like that forces the person who got the no to find something else to do. Like it's saying no is very important for everyone's character development. The person who's being said no to and the person saying no. So don't feel guilty. This is a normal part of life. And you would be okay if that person said no to you. So don't worry, they're going to be okay too. But also, I think another thing to remember is if you're saying no, it's because you're

you feel uncomfortable by something. You don't want to do something. And that is completely valid. Validate those feelings for yourself. If you feel like you don't want to do something, that is okay. Like take a bit of the empathy that you have for the person that you want to say no to and put that towards yourself. You deserve a bit of empathy as well.

you not wanting to do something is valid. If the person that you're saying no to said no to you, you'd be cool with it. You'd be like, oh yeah, no worries. It's all good. I empathize with you. I understand sometimes you don't want to hang out. Sometimes things don't work out. Like it might feel kind of shitty, but you'd understand, right?

you would have empathy for them if they even said no. Do you see what I'm saying? So I don't know, have a bit of empathy for yourself. I briefly paused this episode of Anything Goes to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is brought to you by ChatGPT.

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Get it now at chatgpt.com slash students. Restrictions apply. Now let's get back to the episode. Next, somebody said, how to drop friends that treat me like shit but not cause a big scene or argument. Again, I'm kind of hesitant to give this advice because I'm not sure if it's the perfect method, but it's what I've done in the past.

I think the best method of breaking off a friendship or breaking off from a friend group is to sort of slowly let it fade away, you know?

stop asking those people to hang out. Stop responding to the group chat. Start to make new friends. Hang out with those people more often. Instead of seeing your friend group every week, maybe dial it down to once a month. Slowly but surely back away, you know? And here's

Here's the thing. It's really hard to confront somebody and say, hey, I just don't think that this friendship's working anymore. It's really uncomfortable to do that. And I don't always think it's necessary. Sometimes friendships just aren't making sense anymore and you're just less drawn to them. And well, in this case, I forgot. I actually forgot that you said that your friends treat you like shit. So they don't deserve an explanation. It's totally fine to just drift away.

And if they're treating you like shit, chances are they're not going to be like,

wait, you're hurting our feelings. Like, come hang out with us again. They're probably just going to be like, whatever, fuck it. She doesn't want to hang out. Okay. They don't sound like super gentle, kind people if they're treating you like shit. So chances are, if you were to back away and sort of slowly pull back, they're not going to come begging for you back. And I'm not saying that to insult you. I'm just saying that it sounds like that's the type of people that you're friends with. And if they did come back to you in sort of a condescending way, why are you hanging out with us? You could...

you know, consider being like, uh, cause you guys treat me like shit, but you could also be like, oh, I don't know. I'm just doing other stuff. You know, I'm just busy doing other stuff. I have other friends and you know, it's no, no hard feelings, but yeah, it's just not working out as much as it, as it used to. That's my method. And sometimes a scene and an argument is inevitable and

But I think the best thing you can do is focus on what you can control, which is how you manage getting out of the friend group. And I think doing it subtly and gently and...

with no real confrontation is probably the best start. And then if they ask for an explanation, then you can make the decision of whether or not you're going to bring it up to them with the slight risk that they might confront you and cause a scene and cause an argument. But at that point, it's out of your control. You know, you tried to exit the friendship gently and

subtly, you know? And if they choose to cause a scene or an argument, you know, that's just one of the inevitable shitty parts of the ebbs and flows of friendship. It's just inevitable. Okay, next. Somebody said...

I constantly feel guilty for everything I do and I don't know why. It has been like this since I was little. It's always there and it affects everything in my life. I never feel comfortable. I will say this probably has something to do with the way that

you were raised, your relationship with your family. You know, I feel like a lot of times, at least with myself, when there's lingering negative feelings that have stuck with me for more than a few years at a time, I know that there's a good chance that it stems from something developmental, you know, like when I was in my developmental years. And so I do think this is a good one to bring to a therapist if you have one. But

Actually, I'm curious. I want to Google this, actually, and see what comes up. According to Healthline, chronic guilt...

This type of guilt happens from prolonged exposure to stress. Chronic guilt affects a person's ability to regulate their emotions. A teacher, for example, may feel overworked and emotionally drained and can affect relationships with students. The resulting guilt becomes a symptom of chronic work-related stress or burnout. Some researchers argue for the inclusion of guilt in clinical evaluations of burnout. Chronic guilt can also occur with episodes of major depression.

It sounds like you have chronic guilt because there's other types of guilt according to Healthline.com. There's natural guilt, which is guilt that occurs after you did something morally wrong. Chronic guilt, which is a type of guilt that happens from prolonged exposure to stress, which I just described prior to natural guilt. Collective guilt.

This type involves a sense of group or shared responsibility. Residents of a city may experience collective guilt about people experiencing homelessness, etc. And last but not least, survivor guilt. Traumatic events such as witnessing a large-scale tragedy may cause feelings of remorse and sadness. This could look like somebody surviving an accident and then feeling guilty for the people who did not. So it sounds like you have chronic guilt.

I really do think that, you know, a lot of times these sorts of chronic feelings of prolonged distress, whether it's guilt or it's low self-esteem or whatever, like a lot of these things stem from something in your past. And so...

I think if you can find somebody to talk to about it, whether it's a therapist or, you know, a family member or a friend, try to get to the bottom of where it stems from. You know, do you feel guilty because maybe you feel like a burden because of something that happened when you were a child? Is it because, you know, you had a traumatic event maybe where...

somebody in your life passed away and you never got to say goodbye? Like, is there something in your past that has clung to you so tightly that it's not allowed you to let go of that guilt? I think becoming aware of the root cause can be so helpful. And I think it's hard to do alone. So if you can find somebody to talk to, ideally a professional,

I think that can really help. And then from there, I think really my greatest piece of advice would be to try to retrain your thought patterns. You know, something that I do anytime I have routine negative thought patterns is I start to try to get into the routine of correcting my negative thoughts. So in your case, anytime you feel guilty and

instead of allowing yourself to sit in that guilt, take a little bit of action and think to yourself, wait a minute, I have nothing to feel guilty about. And instead, name three things in your head that you're proud of yourself for, that you're grateful for. Like basically by becoming aware of your negative thoughts and anytime they come up,

pivoting and doing some other more positive exercise in your mind, you're slowly but surely sort of training your brain to stop thinking like that in a way. And listen, this is hard to do and it isn't always the solution, but that's something that I've done that has helped me on occasion with having negative thoughts. Like for example, with, for me, anxious thoughts, catastrophic thoughts,

as my mom calls them, scary thoughts, where I think about bad things happening to me, to my loved ones, where I think about tragedies happening, where I think about just catastrophe. I have a tendency to obsess about scary thoughts, as my mom calls them. And this is, as a result of my anxiety, something that I really work on is every time I have a catastrophic, anxious, sort of tragic thought, like I'll just be like sitting, recording a podcast, and then I'll think about like

I'll imagine like a graphic scene of like me getting in a car accident and dying or somebody I love getting into it, you know, and then I have to knock on wood because I'm fucking superstitious. I'll try to close my eyes and think of a happy place. And I know it sounds cringe, but yeah,

I'll try to think of a happy place and I'll be vulnerable here and share my happy place. I think of me in my childhood bed. I close my eyes and when I close my eyes, I see me laying in my childhood bed,

from an aerial view, from like, if there were a camera attached to the lamp or to the light fixture in the middle of my room pointing at my bed, that is what I see. I see me curled up cozy in my childhood bed. And I just sit there and I imagine that. And sometimes I'll even imagine my parents

sitting there, maybe rubbing my back. Like I will really think about that. I'm like getting choked up. Fuck. It's very comforting for me. And now I have to move on because I'm getting emotional. I got a little choked up thinking about my happy place. Now my ears are burning. I really do think that there's value in trying to pivot those negative reoccurring thoughts. Next, somebody said, I feel like I'm being annoying when I ask to hang out with friends. How do I reframe that?

I totally get this because I hate asking people to hang out unless I'm like really close with them. Like if it's like my boyfriend, actually, I shouldn't even say that. I've been nervous to ask boyfriends to hang out. I've thought I've been like, oh, they think I'm annoying for asking to hang out.

But in a healthy relationship, I'm like, I'm not, it's never weird to ask to hang out with a boyfriend. In healthy friendships that are really close and really deep and really intimate and almost family-like, you know, I'm not feeling weird or guilty about asking to hang out. But with people I'm a little bit less close to, you know, people who aren't in my most close inner circle, I still struggle with this at times. I don't necessarily feel annoying sometimes.

but I feel like I'm smothering them or something. I feel like I'm, but I also feel vulnerable because I'm like opening myself up to being rejected. And it's hard for me. It's always been sort of hard for me. But let's reverse the roles here. Imagine your friends asked you to hang out. How does that make you feel? It's not annoying, is it? No, it's awesome. It's like, fuck yeah, I want to hang out. Let's hang out. There's nothing annoying about asking your friends to hang out.

I think it's annoying if you ask your friends to hang out and they say, oh no, we're busy. And then you say, oh, well, can you cancel your plans? Like, let's hang out. Yeah, that's annoying, but you're not doing that. You're just saying, hey, what are you guys doing today? Want to hang out? They say, yes, let's do it. Or they say, no, we're busy. And if you respond and say, okay, no worries. Sounds good. That's not annoying. There's nothing about that that's annoying. So remember how it feels when others ask you to hang out and let that comfort you. It's never annoying. Are you ever annoyed when people ask you to hang out? Probably not.

So keep that in mind. But I will also flag that it is a bit concerning that you feel annoying when you ask your friends to hang out. That could also mean that you're not compatible with your friends. If you're really, really tight with your friends and you trust them and they make you feel safe to be yourself, chances are you're not going to be nervous about asking them to hang out. You're not going to feel annoying because you're beyond that

in your relationship. You know what I mean? You're not worried about being judged by them. You're beyond that point. So, you know, I think that this might be an invitation for you to reevaluate your friendship because if you're worried about being annoying, chances are there's something that they're doing that's making you think that you're being annoying. And that's sometimes a red flag. Could also just be that you're really nervous and you're really afraid of being vulnerable in friendship. And

You know, so you always think that you're being annoying. But in my experience, like a lot of times in close friendship or relationship, if you feel annoying when you ask, chances are it's because you're not compatible and these aren't the right people for you. So check in. I might be wrong. It might be more of a you problem.

but there's a chance that it might be them. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. I take care of my mental health for a multitude of reasons. Number one, for my overall quality of life. Number two, so that I can be a good friend and family member to those in my life. Number three, so that I can be productive and have the energy to get stuff done. And the list goes on. Mental health care has come a long way, but there's still room to grow.

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So in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, let's encourage everyone to get help if they need it. Because the world is better when people are happy and kind to themselves and each other. We're all works in progress. Therapy can help you learn how to set boundaries, teach you self-awareness, and how to express emotions to help us improve. If you're worried about starting therapy, don't be. BetterHelp makes it easy. They have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist,

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If you're a college student, ChatGPT Plus is free now through May. So during the worst part of the year, you can ask it to help you in unlimited ways, like getting ChatGPT to quiz you on your notes or explaining a problem in a way that works for you, maybe with extra graphs or charts. You can even ask it to help you with your meal plans and workout schedules. ChatGPT Plus is a game changer, and it's free for college students through May. Get it now at ChatGPT.com slash students. Restrictions apply.

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Somebody said, how to feel less like a burden to your friends. I want to tell people the hard stuff in my life, but I don't want to bother them or burden them.

Well, interestingly enough, I find that when people are vulnerable with me and share their challenges and share their struggles, it makes me feel less alone. I am all about vulnerable conversations with my friends because not only does it allow me to understand them as a person better, but it also puts into perspective my own struggles in my life. Wait a minute. Okay.

Okay. My friend is struggling. I'm struggling. Everyone's always struggling. You know what I mean? This is just life, right? I really do think that sharing the hard stuff with your friends is the way to build a deeper bond and also genuinely beneficial to both members of the friendship. It's beneficial for you because you get to vent and

and open up to your friends and, I don't know, show another dimension of yourself to them. But it's also beneficial to your friends because they feel less alone. Their struggles are put into perspective. Everyone wins. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel annoying. Don't feel weird about being vulnerable. As long as you're not putting it on them to solve the problem,

you have no problem. Listen, if you're like opening up to your friends, like, I'm really sad. My boyfriend cheated on me and I need you to help me. That's not good because what is your friend supposed to do? Like that's an impossible ask. Then it becomes burdensome. But if you just want to vent and tell your story, nothing about that is burdensome. Nothing.

I can almost guarantee that they will be touched, that you feel comfortable enough to open up to them and it'll actually make them feel less alone. Vulnerable stories are the great connector of human beings, I think. And so don't stop yourself because you feel like a burden.

And last but not least, two people asked me questions about how to stop letting people walk all over you. Someone said, how to deal with feeling like people are walking all over you and taking advantage of your kindness. I love being kind, but I hate being treated like that. And someone else said, how to set boundaries and not let people walk all over you. Okay. So I really do think that one of the best ways to...

stop letting people walk all over you is to exit these types of situations. If you're hanging out with your friends and all of a sudden they're asking you to get them a glass of water and then they're making fun of you and using you as the butt of the joke and then they're asking you to give them a back massage and then they're like, hey, can you run and get us all coffee? Like,

leave, leave that situation. Say, you know what, you guys, I'm actually, I think I'm going to head home. I have stuff I got to do. I'm out of here. Or say, no, I'm not going to do that. I don't want to do that. I want to hang out with you guys. We're all hanging out together. Maybe we could all go grab the coffee. You know, maybe we could all book a group massage and we could all get a massage. Like I'm not doing it. These are horrible examples, but you get the idea.

subtly, gently, even more subtly and gently than the tone I just used, because that was a bit more sarcastic, subtly and gently be like, I got to go or no, I don't want to do that. Actually, you can still be a kind person and draw the line and be like, okay, that I won't do.

And when it comes to being kind and doing helpful things for others, there are times when that feels really good and that's something that you wanna do, right? And you don't need to stop doing that, but it's when you don't wanna do it and you feel like people are taking advantage of your kindness and they're taking advantage of the fact that you'll say yes to anything, that's when you put your foot down, right? You can still be a nice person, you can still be helpful, you can still do people favors, but only when it's something you feel comfortable with.

ask yourself every time somebody asks you to do something for them, is this something I really want to do? Do I feel like I'm being taken advantage of? And if the answer is yes, then unfortunately, because it sucks for us people pleasers, you have to be like, all right, no, I can't do that. I'm so sorry. I love you, but no, I can't. Or, you know, you guys like, I'm going to head out or, oh man, I actually don't have time to do that right now. Like whatever. It's

And it sucks and it's hard. But I think over time that will actually create you'll you'll find that people respect you more when you have boundaries. People respect people who have boundaries. And then over time, people will just stop taking advantage of you because they'll learn that they can't. But there's this uncomfortable jump where you have to start saying no, you have to start walking away.

And that's really uncomfortable. And I think if you feel comfortable enough to confront people when they do this, great, do it. If you feel like somebody is taking advantage of your kindness, confront them if you feel comfortable doing that. But I think most of us probably aren't there yet in our lives. And so I think in the meantime, walking away or making a little excuse and setting the precedent, nah, I don't do shit I don't want to do.

I don't let people take advantage of me. That goes a long way and it makes it easier down the line because people just stop doing it. And that's it. That's it for today's episode of Advice Session. If you enjoyed it, new episodes of Advice Session every other Sunday, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.

And anything goes is on social media. Anything goes, I'm on social media at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is Chamberlain Coffee. And you can find it online and in person and in various different places. Okay. It exists. It's out there. You can find it. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It's always a joy to get to hang out and chat and give you my unprofessional advice. And I hope that you enjoyed today's episode. And if you did, don't worry because I'll be chatting to you very soon. Okay. I love you all. And I'll talk to you later.

Bye.