My Favorite Cowboy - Chris Waldhaus
41:43 Share

The big game or big mods? First date or first big brake kit? Binging that new show or watching install videos? When you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious. eBay Motors has the parts you need for the ride you love. Brake kits, bumpers, roof racks, and engines.

And with eBay guaranteed fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Plus, at these prices, you're burning rubber, not cash. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply. Guys.

I'm a professional comedian, allegedly. So believe me when I tell you I know what is and is not a joke. You know what's not a joke anymore? Boost Mobile. I know what you're thinking. Don't they sell those burner phones I used to call my mistress with? No. I mean, they did, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Boost Mobile's offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month forever, so you can laugh all the way to the bank. Actually, don't laugh all the way to the bank. You'll look crazy. The Boost Mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks, which cover 99% of the U.S. population. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost unlimited plan.

For 25 years, Brightview Senior Living has been dedicated to creating an award-winning company culture so residents and families receive best-in-class services. Across our 50 communities, Brightview associates help deliver peace of mind, safety, security, transportation, daily programs, delicious food, and high-quality care if needed.

Discover how our vibrant senior living communities can help you live your best life. Visit brightviewseniorliving.com to learn more. Equal housing opportunity.

How often are you getting thrown from a horse? Every day. Really? Yeah. How's your body handling that? No, you're not. How old are you now? Are you 40? Close to 40. Close to 40? Oh, you're not 40. Yeah. All right. You can't keep flying off horses. No. Good morning. I'm Daniel Tosh, the host of

Of Tosh Show. Eddie, I hear you have got a video that you are dying to show me. So excited about this one. All right, let's watch. What happened? What did you do? What happened? What happened?

Even the dog can barely walk. Thank God that truck was there. Jeff would still be stumbling all the way to the ocean. The most interesting thing about this video is that they're probably 38 years old.

Yeah. People are like, oh, you look so young. No, no, I don't. I don't look that young. I look 49. You look old as shit. Maybe eat better, sleep more, do some exercise. You gotta, you gotta take care of yourself. Jeff doesn't deserve to have that pickup truck. You know, you need to be a man, drive a pickup truck like that. I don't pretend to be a man.

That's the end of that statement. When I'm in Southern California, I'm barely a man. When I head up north, when I get to the mountains, oh, got my hatchet, my splitting maul, that's when I become a man. Although I've never had to chop wood yet. I had a cord. It's been like five years. I haven't gone through it yet.

It's like, how much, how much wood are you supposed to burn? Being a man's tough. People depend on you when you're a man. That's why I always try to announce I'm barely a man. Let's get the expectations back. Don't ask me to do things. I'll call a man. I'll pay for a man to do something. Me? No, I'm not. I'm not the guy.

You know, sometimes when I'm up in the cabin, the power will go out and my generator won't turn on. And I go out there with my little portable jumper and I hook it up and I jump it and I get the generator going and there's power in the house. And I'm like, look at that. And then when the power comes back,

The generator turns off. Everything gets tripped in the house. That's a pain. Then I got to go to the garage and I got to undo this panel. I got to flip this big, this big switch. And every time I flip it, it shocks the shit out of me. Oh, things I can't do. I mean, that, that list is too long to go over. Protect my family. Nah, can't do that. I can outrun them.

You know, so I can tell the story of what happened. Honor them with a story. I've got a tale to tell you.

I could learn a thing or two from today's guest. Enjoy. Say yes to summer and get cash back on many of your favorite brands with PayPal, which, let's face it, comes in very handy during the summertime. Everyone is ready for summer activities, which is why using PayPal is a great way to say yes to the summertime fun. Say yes to getting an extra jet ski for your summer cabin. Say yes to getting one of those adapters that you hook to your jet ski that makes you fly up in the air. Heck, say yes.

say yes to getting another jet ski. Nobody's ever been like, that's too many jet skis. Use it to pay a babysitter so you and the wife can head downtown to that new buffet that just opened up. You can also send money with PayPal to friends, which means going halfsies when your bros visit this summer. With even more cash back in your pocket when you pay with PayPal, saying yes to summertime fun just got a whole lot

Make sure to download the PayPal app. An account with PayPal is required to send and receive money. Redeem points for cash and other options. Terms apply.

For 25 years, Brightview Senior Living has been dedicated to creating an award-winning company culture so residents and families receive best-in-class services. Across our 50 communities, Brightview associates help deliver peace of mind, safety, security, transportation, daily programs, delicious food, and high-quality care if needed.

Discover how our vibrant senior living communities can help you live your best life. Visit brightviewseniorliving.com to learn more. Equal housing opportunity. Are you catching the big game or making big mods? Going on that first date or installing that first brake kit? Binging that new show or watching install videos? When you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious. eBay Motors has you covered with over 122 million parts to fit your number one ride or die.

Brake kits, turbochargers, LED headlights, exhaust kits, bumpers, roof racks, and engines. Whether you're into speed, power, or style, eBay Motors has all the parts you need for the ride you love. Plus, at these prices, you're burning rubber, not cash. And with eBay Guaranteed Fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply.

My guest today has quite a life story. I'm going to attempt to relate while he talks about some real man shit like hunting for food and breaking wild horses. At least we both love animals. He's one of the best looking fellows west of the Mississippi. Please welcome Chris. Thank you. Thank you for having me, Tosh. Okay, this interview is going to be all over the place. Your life story is fascinating. Let's start.

that you grew up on a reservation in Colorado? Outside of Durango, the Ute Reservation. Okay. My mom and my dad kind of had a lot of turmoil, and she went to the reservation and stayed there for help.

And so I ended up being born there. We ended up growing up there. We stayed there for probably maybe six years. And then we moved to our own spot in Colorado off of like Ute Trail. So we were in the sticks. Aspen? Yeah, there's a lot of aspen trees there. Oh, this wasn't aspen. I got you.

No. You're talking about Vail. You grew up in Vail. Outside of there, too. Uh-huh. No. I got you. You grew up without electricity? No electricity. For how long? No running water until we were about 14. We hunted for our food. We got our water off the side of a mountain, so it kind of melted down into this drainage pipe, and we would collect it at the pipe. How'd you take hot showers? No hot showers. You never had a hot shower? We had hot baths. How'd you—oh, okay. We put the water over, like, a fire and warmed it up and then put it in. You know those— They were cooking you. Yeah.

Do you know those kettles? It's almost like a stew kettle. You just basically boil some hot water in there and throw it in the tub. I mean, we washed our clothes with a washboard. We had an outhouse, had a fruit cellar, basically grew up off the land, like eating cactail roots and dandelions and just weird stuff. You know everything that you can eat when you're out in the wilderness? Quite a bit. My mom was really like...

savvy when it came to picking fruit and just different stuff like roots and berries. It was pretty interesting. What about school? Homeschooled all the way up until about sixth grade. Legally homeschooled? My sister was the teacher. Okay, so not legally homeschooled. No. Anybody pop in? Any visits from like... No. Interestingly enough, I mean, we were so far out. I don't even think they knew we were out there. They don't even know you existed. Yeah, they didn't even know. How many siblings did you have? Eight of us.

Eight of you. So seven, yeah. I have five sisters and two brothers. That's a lot of people. I mean, it's like a school. It was. Did you guys get Comedy Central? No. Oh, that's a shame. All right.

Are you part Native American? Yeah. So my mother is African-American, Native American. Her mother's Cherokee and her father's African-American. My father is German and Native American. So his father's German and his mother's Hopi. So maybe like 50, close to 50%. Are you getting a government check or no? No. By choice? I never applied. Apply? It takes too much paperwork. I don't care. You're owed. You're owed.

Yeah, no. What's the amount that they... Do you even know the amount that they give? I have no idea. All right, I'm going to ask you to talk about your stepfather now. I'm going to turn the microphone off and just listen for the next hour because I think it's fascinating. Yeah, what an interesting guy, right? Have you ever seen Davy Crockett? Like the movie? I just know of Davy Crockett. Yeah, like the movie, like the... No, I never watched the movie. King of the Final Frontier. Uh-huh. Yeah, so Dave was like Davy Crockett. Okay. I mean, he was super ingenuitive is the best word I could give it. He...

He never told us what he did, but where we lived, he had us like sifting for gold. You know how when you get into the river and you can kind of sift? We always found like these little tiny specks of gold. And we were kids, so we had no idea what fool's gold was. But he'd like come up with these big fool's gold nuggets and be like, yeah, I'm going to town to turn in the gold. But he was actually a meth cooker. Oh, yeah.

That's so much different than a prospector. Yeah.

So he would disappear for like weeks and then come back and bring groceries. And we would get cool stuff from town. Because most of the time we were eating rabbit. Was he making the meth on your... Honestly, I really don't know. But he didn't have... I'm pretty sure he was because he didn't have any teeth. He always had ether and mercury, just weird stuff. I mean, we played with that kind of stuff as a kid. I remember the mercury we thought was cool because you could like spread it out and...

It would come together, and then Terminator came out, and we saw that they were using mercury to make that Terminator guy. You know, as kids do when you're playing with mercury. He had a lot of ether, too. Our dogs would always get into it with porcupines. He would just have a bottle of ether on hand, pour some in a washcloth, and stick it over the dog's face and knock them out, and then take his little needle-nose pliers and just pull quills out. Did he know the amount that you were supposed to put?

He must have been like some kind of chemist. Did you lose any dogs? No. You want to ask? Okay. Never. I even saw this man pick up a horse one time. He like... That seems like childish revisionist history. Well, he put the horses like front of a body on his Chevy and then he like...

Went to the back and lifted up the back and threw his back out because he was hurt for a while and then pushed the back end of the horse onto the – because it had died. I'm thinking old age, but he like – he picked the horse up and put – I watched him do it. I was just like, geez, this guy is – I thought he was the coolest dude on the planet. I mean, Davy Crockett. He taught me how to fish, taught me how to hunt, taught me how to track. He was very –

outdoor savvy, I'll say. He knew how to get around. Do you hunt for sport? No, I don't hunt for sport. We did do it for food, though. Do you eat a lot? Do you like food? I do. I'll eat anything. Do you have any food allergies? None. As a kid that grew up eating ants, is there anything you're like, oh, I don't enjoy eating this? Grasshoppers, ants, crickets, no food allergies. Crawdads. I used to think crawdads and grasshoppers were the best thing. What's the fanciest food that you can't get your head around why people eat it?

Yeah, me too. That doesn't seem like it serves a purpose. I never ate snails when I was growing up. I just didn't see a purpose. We put salt on them and let them just kind of like shrivel up and die. I had a friend. This guy was, he would pick birds up and like bite their heads off. You were friends with Ozzy Osbourne? No.

I won't say his name, but yeah, he was strange. Sure. I mean, we were eating crawdads and ants. Right, but he wasn't biting heads off. He was just biting the heads off of them. He wasn't even eating. How was he catching birds just out of curiosity? Just climbing up the tree. And grabbing a bird? Out of the nest. Oh, it was a baby bird. Oh, that's even worse. This story just gets horrible. I'll tell you a story about cigarettes. Remember back when they used to sell the cartons in the store? Yeah. As kids, we were bad. We used to steal the whole cartons. And one of my buddies got caught smoking by his mom.

And she was like, all right, you're going to smoke this whole carton. And they made us smoke the whole carton. And I quit smoking cigarettes after that. He still smokes to this day. I had enough. I think they've proven that that's not the right way to parent.

You know who's got a great joke about that is Norm MacDonald. Oh, he talks about getting caught and then his dad injected heroin into the eye of his cock. It's a good joke. You should look it up. All right. How'd that father-in-law story end? You know, actually, he got killed by bounty hunters. Okay. It was pretty...

It was pretty weird. That's about what I thought. Arkansas Dave. He was from Arkansas. You know the bounty hunter that killed your stepdad? No, no, no. My stepdad's name was Dave. Oh, sorry. And he was from Arkansas. So I wonder, like, was that Arkansas Dave they were talking about? No, I don't know, though. Apparently, he pulled a knife out at a gunfight and got shot. Ugh. Well...

That's horrible. I mean, you're definitely arguably the realest man I've ever had on this show. How long do you think you would survive if there was a zombie apocalypse? I think I could make it. I mean, as long as I was pretty far out and they weren't even interested in coming out there, kind of like child protective services. All right. Yeah.

Now, you are a cowboy? Yeah, I would say so. Now, the term cowboy with indigenous people, Native American, those don't necessarily go hand in hand. You know, that's the second time I've had that question. Okay. When was the first time? Did you kill that person? No, no. We were in Santa Fe. We were shooting this thing for Filson, and there was myself and a couple of the cowboys there.

And they were like, well, do natives call themselves cowboys? And I was like, you know, everybody that works horses or cattle calls himself a cowboy. Okay. I think that the word came from, this is just what I've heard. So back in the day, cowboys, black and white.

The white cowboys were called cowhands. The black cowhands were called cowboys. And the natives kind of just got thrown in there, whatever. So if you were working on a ranch and you were working horses or cattle, you were just a cowboy. How did you get your land out in Joshua Tree? I basically wrote the contract for a lease to own for the first two years with the first right of refusal.

And I wrote that contract during the pandemic. So I had pandemic prices. Tell people exactly what you did. You were buying a large amount of acreage to open a horse sanctuary. Yes. For wild horses. For Mustangs. I got the guy to sign the contract and then I ran with it. So I had the first right of refusal after two years and I was renting the land first for $800 a month. That's a good deal. So during the pandemic, people were trying to get out of the city.

And they wanted to go and be outside, right? And if you remember, we couldn't celebrate Christmas. We couldn't celebrate Thanksgiving. I don't remember that. People couldn't celebrate their birthdays. What? So they were all coming to the ranch and renting campsites and celebrating there. Okay. So we had like 30 people every weekend there. Oh, so you guys were like a super spreader. It was...

Maybe. All right. But it was really nice. And so we first started renting the dirt and I was building fences. So then I built the fences and then September of 21, I got my first two horses. You know, they say what you think about you attract, right? So the first two horses I got were very special horses. They're called Nez Pierce Blanket Appaloosas. So I took these two reservation ponies and the guy who sold me the reservation ponies gave me two horses. Wow.

So September of 21, I had four horses. And then my estranged uncle, I hadn't talked to him in forever. And he called me. He's in Palm Springs. And he's like, hey, I heard you're out in Joshua Tree. Are you killing Mustangs? And I was like, what? I'm saving Mustangs. He was like, oh, okay. Because I've heard a lot about Mustangs and like people are shooting them. And I just wasn't sure what you were doing with them. And I was like, why don't you come up and see what I'm doing?

So he and his wife came up and they saw and they were like mind blown. I'll say this also. A lot of people come and lose their shit. Like they get there and they cry or they just like go into this like meditative, like start having –

I don't know, downloads, if you will, like just feeling like the universe is talking to him. So I think that happened to my uncle. And he was like, how can I help? And I was like, well, why don't you save this Mustang from Colorado? And he was like, okay. So he bought the Mustang out of the kill pen and shipped it to us. So I went from four horses to five horses. And then another lady called and was like, hey, I got a Mustang. I can't train.

Can I give her to you? And I was like, sure. Six Mustangs. Now, do you break that Mustang? Yeah. We don't even call it breaking. Okay. I don't know. That's the only word I knew. We call it starting. Uh-huh. So we start them, build a solid foundation, and then let them go from there. Well, why don't you just let them keep running wild? Why do you have to – I don't know.

I don't know the rules. So in America, we have a high respect for horses. Unless you're at Santa Anita. Even there, they really respect them and they love them. But it's just that the thoroughbred is so selectively bred and inbred that its hooves are really small.

And its body's really big. So that big body on those really small hooves is hard on the legs, and they break a lot of legs. And that Santa Anita track isn't really giving, so it hurts those thoroughbreds. But on top of that, thoroughbreds are raced at two years old, and their racing career is over by five or six. And that's a long career.

But a horse can live 25 years past that. The life expectancy for a thoroughbred is actually 19. So they don't live much longer because they really run them hard and into the ground, right? But while they're running at Santa Anita, they're very loved. Everybody takes care of them. They appreciate them. They baby them. But then when they're done running, they go to a thoroughbred farm where they're thrown out with 30 or 40 other thoroughbreds that are retired and they're fighting for their food and they just don't have such a great life anymore. Yeah.

It's kind of like a supermodel who, when she's 16 to 19, everybody loves her. Right. And then when she's 24, you're just like, oh, oh, look at this old hag. See if she can fight for some food.

So you opened this sanctuary and just right away started just rescuing horses or having people bring them to you? How was this working? So I opened the sanctuary in October of 2020. What's the name of it? Cascade Trails Mustang Sanctuary. Do people ride your horses? Yes. All of them? We have five that are not rideable right now because they're under the age of three. I can ride it. Yeah.

I've ridden one horse. In your whole life? Yes, my whole life. I love horses. I love all animals. I love horses, but I don't need to be on them. I just like to look at them. There's an energy that exudes from horses that's so calming. Like I said, when people come there, they lose their shit. And it's just, I think it's just the energy that's there. I've always wanted to adopt a couple Clydesdales just to look at those things. Those are called drafts.

Drafts. I want one of those. Do you have a drafts on your lot? I have two drafts. You do? They're called, I'm sorry, not Pertrons. We have two Belgians. How many hands high is that? Good question. What do you know about hands? I don't know. So hands are measured like this. Yeah. It's four inches. Uh-huh. And you go one, two, three. Yours is bigger than four inches.

Mits. You got to do three fingers with your mitts. So we have two Belgians. One is 19 hands and one is 17-1.

The other, the biggest horse that we had prior to that was the Thoroughbred. She's 16 hands. Okay. So yeah, two Belgian drafts. They look a lot like Clydesdales. I just like those commercials when the bud light or beer commercials at Christmas time that make you cry. Yeah. They're awesome. No, they are awesome. How many sayings in the language that we have are horse related? Let's talk about that for a second. Okay. Do you say champing at the bit or chomping at the bit? Chomping at the bit.

It's champing. Wait, really? Yeah, the term is champing. But everyone says chomping at the bit. That's right. But the actual term is champing at the bit. That's interesting. I mean, it kind of is, except for the people that fight me on it. Because you think of just chomping at a bit, but it still comes from the same thing, I believe. Well, the two thoroughbreds kind of, they do that, champ at the bit. So thoroughbreds are trained to run into the bit. Most horses, when you pull back, they think stop.

But a thoroughbred, when you pull back, they run harder because the jockey's standing up on them and using the reins as leverage, and he's pulling. And he wants the thoroughbred to run through that. What do you weigh? About 240. Nah. You ever dream about being a jockey?

No, never. Maybe when I was a kid, but no, never. They're tiny little fellas, huh? Yeah, they are little fellas. Holy cow. That's not normal. No. Well, why don't they just, tell me why they don't just use girls? That's a good question. I mean, nowadays with sports incorporating women into everything. Right, it seems like easy to get a 105 pound girl. That's a no brainer. That's strong enough to do it.

What's your love life like? Are you married? No, I'm not married. You ever been married? Yes. You have? How long? It lasted two years. Two years? The divorce took longer. Uh-huh. Did she get half of a Mustang? No. I didn't have anything at that point, so she was just happy to get rid of me, I think. Uh-huh. Okay. Kids? Yeah, we do. We have two kids. Are you done having children?

I don't know. If I met the right woman and she was interested in that, then I would be open to it. Are you in a relationship right now? I have a girlfriend now. Is she the right person? We're working on things. I got the perfect person for you.

She's just, all she's into is horses. But she's 37. She wants to have kids, though. That's about the age. You have to have kids with her. You know. Do you want to hear her voice? Do you want me to call her, see if she's interested? No. I think you might like her. Let me know. We'll see. I'll check in on you a few months from now. We'll see if you need to...

another somebody to date. I got, I got a perfect person. Do you call your motorcycle a steel horse? I do. You ever dabble in pony play? I don't even know if that, you don't have pony play. Those are the weird people on the internet that like pretend to be horses. Oh no. So the ones that have the stick horse, is that pony player? No.

Pony play actually pretends to be a horse. Right, hobby horsing. Hobby horsing is when you just run around on a stick and pretend jump and all that. That's weird. Yeah, that's pretty weird. It's also emotional, though. Sometimes you'll see them and just cry. Have you always been into horses? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I grew up watching He-Man, and his companion was Battle Cat. I couldn't really ride a lion, so yeah, the horse was my Battle Cat.

I mean, sure. If you had a large cat, that'd be awesome. I once worked at a sanctuary out in the desert out there with some guys that had illegally, you know, taken a bunch of tiny tigers so people could take photos with them. And then they grew into monsters. And they're like, what are we going to do with them now? And so we had to, you know, send them to different rescue places all over the country. So I'm out there working probably...

50 to 100 big cats and in cages that wouldn't hold a house cat in them. And I'm just out there volunteer. And they're like, just cleaning, cleaning all the shit out of there. They're cannibalizing, eating each other, you know, because there's not enough food. The reward for working there was at the end of the day, you got to you got to hose them off.

And they were just in heaven to have water. And I'm just like right, just standing next to a huge tiger with a hose and he's just eating the water like crazy. I was like, oh, this is great. You remind me of, I just dug this pond for him. So I have a pond in front of the water area and it's like-

it almost looks like you're catching a glimpse of them feeling like, oh, this is what freedom was. We get to splash in the pond and it's tough. Yeah, but their space, they're still getting...

A bit of the good life. You get a little bit of both worlds, too. Some pampering that would have never been there. True. Very true. What is the average day for you like on your ranch? It starts at 5. I clean the pasture. I feed the horses. I fill up water. I give them the buckets. By the time I'm done doing that, it's about 8.30, 9 o'clock. Then I'll feed myself.

I actually have a raven now, so I feed the raven. When I feed myself, I'll bring her and put her on the goat pen. What does it cost to feed a horse every day? I broke it down. I think the buckets end up being like $3 or $4 a bucket. But hay fluctuates. So a bale of hay can be anywhere between $20 and $30. And if you're smart, you'll cut the middleman out and you'll just go direct and buy the ton of hay.

But you can get 150 bales of hay for about...

$2,000, and you can get 500 bales of hay for about $4,000. So I usually try to get the 500 bales, and that lasts me a lot longer. Horses, are they expensive to take care of? They are if you don't know what you're doing, because somebody that doesn't know how to make the feed themselves, they're going to buy all that different feed, and they're going to scoop it out individually and end up spending $500 every two weeks just for feed. Right.

Whereas I can spend $500 in two weeks and make that last four weeks. So I'm cutting my costs in half. I mean, it's just a full day. This is just breakfast time. We're just at nine. Yeah. What time do you go to bed? I'm usually done right around like nine, nine o'clock. Jeez. This is so much work.

How often are you getting thrown from a horse? Every day. Really? Yeah. How's your body handling that? Because I know you're not. How old are you now? Are you 40? Close to 40. Close to 40? Oh, you're not 40. Yeah. All right. You can't keep flying off horses. No. But people that train horses, they learn how to not fly off, right? Mm-hmm. You can control a jump better than you can control a fall. Okay. So I'm jumping. If I think it's getting bad, I'm jumping. You ever see that Mr. Hands video?

No. This guy. Guy was killed having sex with a horse. Wow. It was disturbing. That sounds disturbing. Apparently it was legal, though. It was in the state of Washington. There was some, like, bestiality loophole. Doesn't matter. How many times a day do you say yeehaw? Hardly ever. Never? Okay. Can you play harmonica? I can. Do you play poker? Yep. How many times have you seen tumbleweed just roll by you? A lot in the desert. How hot is it?

It gets triple digits. Your horses don't have a problem with that? It's pretty awesome they don't. I mean, and I only know because sometimes I don't wear my shoes. I'll run around. We call it grounding. What? It's called grounding. So you barefoot, you just let your feet touch the earth. We just call it bare feet. Yeah. There's a technical term now. Okay. But one day I was out there and it was, I, we could probably leave this out too. Yeah.

So I have a campground as well. And we get a lot of campers that come and they like, they don't use all their party favors, right? And people in the desert like to participate in the dark arts. Sure. So they come out there with like bags of mushrooms. I'm going to leave this in just so you know. Okay.

So he comes, he's leaving, and he gives me like this Ziploc bag of mushrooms. I love them. So the guy gave me these mushrooms and he was like, hey, we couldn't finish these. You want them? And I was like, sure. I'm sitting there. It's probably maybe two or three in the afternoon. I just start eating the mushrooms. Okay. Just dry eating them. You thought it was a snack for real? I just thought it was food. I thought it was mushrooms. That's what you thought he gave you. So I eat these mushrooms and...

Six years later. Obviously, the effects of it took a little bit, but it started. I noticed after that the ant pile was like pulsating, and I felt like the ants were like,

marching one by one, and I could see them dancing to the rhythm. They knew you were about to eat them. Is that the last time you've done mushrooms? No. I prefer the tea now, actually. Okay, well, that's fine. Somehow, in between growing up on a reservation in Colorado and being a cowboy in the desert, you lived...

In L.A.? Yeah. Of all places. Did you hate it here? You know, L.A.'s a lot like the desert. Beautiful, but brutal.

A lot of people come to L.A. with high hopes and aspirations, and L.A. just beats them down. But I really just came to work. My brother had gotten into a motorcycle accident, so I left Colorado to come here and kind of help him recover. No spinal neck or back injuries, but he was bedridden for like four months. And I basically had to be like his housemaid. Did you have to wipe him? Everything. It was crazy.

My brother had to wipe me once when I was in college. I'd broken both arms. I couldn't get behind. Wow. Well, what a good brother. But then you moved to L.A. So did you have culture shock when you first got here? They shaved me. They cut my hair off. It was like I looked like a caveman, right? I'd been riding horses and training horses the whole time I was in Colorado. And so when I got to L.A., they were like, you're not going to be able to get a job looking like that. You've got to shave and shave.

trim your hair or something. So I ended up getting a job doing security at the Roosevelt Hotel and I was working security at the West Hollywood Edition and

So my L.A. experience was different from most people's L.A. I just went to work and kind of take care of my brother. So opportunities just opened. And while I was taking care of my brother, I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't really have a job. He required 24-7 care. So finally, when he got back on his feet, he was like, I'm leaving Hollywood. There's no structure. I don't like it. I'm moving to Australia. And he said I could have his apartment for a month. And then the lease was up.

So I'm in Beverly Hills. The lease is ending. That's where he has apartments in Beverly Hills? His apartment's in Beverly Hills. Your brother was doing great. He was doing really well. He's still doing well. Well, he's in Australia. Well, he's back in LA now. Okay. In Beverly Hills. From eating ants to living in Beverly. You guys are the real Beverly Hillbillies. You know, I just kind of was like, this is, you know, this is a culture shock for me because people there were like, even some of the girls I talked to, they were like, I would be like, you want to have lunch? Yeah.

And they'd be like, sure. And I'd be like, let's meet at Subway. And they're like, ugh. Yeah. I don't eat Subway. And I'm like, what? Well, it's disgusting. All right. And you know that now, right? It's sandwich. Do you know it now? They make, I don't know. No, I don't know what they use, but. Are they a sponsor? That is a great sandwich. It was pretty interesting. All right. So you didn't do well. You didn't do well dating here? Not at all. It was just kind of tough because like I said, some of the girls, they, even down to like where I grocery shopped,

I would go, I would be like, let's, let's go get something to eat. Let's pick up some groceries at Ralph's. Ralph's. That's not good enough. We're going to Bristol farms. Okay. That's what I'm talking about. That's what you're, you can't have an apartment in Beverly Hills and go to what your next year is telling me that you went to John's.

You know, Vons is garbage. Then John's is below Vons. I've never been to John's. There's a John's. Oh, it's not good. I used to take a girl every now and then on a date. We'd go to just the food court thing in Whole Foods where you just take a box and you fill it with whatever you wanted. I thought it was fancy enough, but that wasn't good enough. They didn't like that as a date. Anyway, you worked security at the Roosevelt Hotel, and you believe you saw the ghost of

of Marilyn Monroe. So first of all, my ninth question that I ask every guest, do you believe in ghosts? - Absolutely. - You absolutely believe in ghosts and while working at the Roosevelt Hotel, you believe you saw the ghost of Marilyn Monroe, true or false? - True. - And you tried to hit on her. - Gosh, that's true. So I'm working at the Roosevelt, my shift is two to 11. I've been there for probably maybe three months now. And there's like, you do what's called a perimeter patrol.

As I'm doing the perimeter patrol, you go out and around the entire hotel, and you come back through the back, and you go in through the back gate, and it brings you into what's called the beer garden. And the beer garden is underneath the bridge that overlooks Tropicana. So Tropicana is the pool area, and there's the Marilyn Monroe suite, which is where she lived for quite some time, right there on the edge of the Tropicana pool area. Yeah.

So one night I'm walking through the beer garden and out of the corner of my eye up on the bridge, I see this woman wearing like an old white gown and it just looks totally out of place for 2018. And she has a really nice figure with no, like just doesn't look like she fits. Okay. So I walk around, I go up the stairs and I get up to the top and no one's there. And I'm looking around like, where did this lady go? But the Roosevelt's known for being haunted. So there's like

There's a few different places where people see apparitions. When you said, do I believe in ghosts? I think ghosts are, I know this is going to sound desert woo woo, but I think it's energy, right? So because Marilyn was there so much and so many people knew she was there and loved her being there, there's like this collective energy that she's able to manifest there. And so that's the best way I can explain her being there.

But that wasn't the only, like, ghost situation there. So at the Roosevelt, there's this room called the spare room. It's like a bowling alley slash bar. We had a security officer at the spare room get possessed. Basically, he—I don't know if he was on drugs or what, but he, like, started foaming at the mouth, talking this weird—

I guess you would call it tongues, just being extremely weird. We had to remove him from the spare room and then send him home because he was really... Because he was having a stroke and you didn't want to call the hospital? No. He was having some type of episode. I hope it wasn't a stroke. Yeah. Maybe they should have called 911. But there was a lot of weird stuff that happened at the Rosemont. Of course. I mean...

I mean, debauchery. Oh, gosh. I could tell you stories about the Roosevelt all day. So one time, John Legend's there. They're having a party on the rooftop. One of the guys who's there, I hate that I have to say this, but he was like, like his head was on his shoulder. So his whole, his whole, both of his shoulders seemed like they were shifted this way and his head was like over here. And people were saying he was a god.

From some outer space star series, some crazy stuff, right? You ever see those conjoined twins that one of them was a cowboy singer, a country singer, and there's like a little one attached to the head, and she was a country singer. She was like small, and then there was like a big person that wasn't into country music. You never saw them? No. All right. Well, you look that up sometime.

Yeah, this guy was strange. This guy in that world. And there were people who were backing his story. Okay, well, they're all idiots. I always give guests things that are on my show. You ever use a lip balm? Mm-hmm. But in the desert, it's hot, so you need this little lip balm cooler, okay? That way. I have a lip balm with me right now. Yeah, you're going to put that in here. Let me see. That lipstick might be too big. We'll see.

That almost looks like a... Yeah, that's perfect. A toy. No, my friend. No, it's not a sex toy. My cousin's...

I don't know, cousin's cousin. He invented this. It's got my initials on it. I'm giving it to you. I love it. It says chappy. I don't, but it's so your lip balm doesn't melt out there in the desert. Thank you. Also, you need a lint roller. My wife buys this stuff in bulk and I don't like it. No, I don't know if this is going to fit you or not, but I had this one West, this, this, you know, it's kind of like a good looking denim. We're right. I was like, I haven't even worn it. And I go, I'm not going to wear this shirt. I go, I gotta get, I gotta pass it on.

But I don't know if it'll fit you because you're way broader than I am. You don't want to wear that? Come out to the ranch and wear that. No, no. I give you this shirt. This is amazing. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. You can just set that all on the ground there. That doesn't matter.

This is actually pretty cool because Chapstick does melt out there a lot. Well, of course it does. Not anymore. Now you got yourself a cool little cooler. Somebody's going to think this is a toy. It doesn't matter what they think, okay? You're a man. You can handle having a little pink dildo in your pocket. Okay.

What do people need to do to help your horse sanctuary? Come and visit, interact with the horses, see that there's a benefit. Like you said, you don't have to ride them to get the benefits. You currently have 25 horses? 25. How many could you actually—what was the max number you could probably hold there? When I reverse whiteboarded this, I did it from 90. I could easily hold 90. But there's myself—

How many employees you got over there now? I have a handful of volunteers and two employees. So I have a young lady that runs the back office and a young lady that manages the campground. I heard you had a high desert Danny out to your ranch. Yeah. That's our snake lady friend. She calls herself the rattlesnake wrangler. And a wrangler works horses. Okay. So I was like, hey, if you're a wrangler, come ride horses with me.

And she was like, I've never been on a horse. I'm scared of horses. I was like, it's okay. You can come out here. I'll help you out. So she came out and I put her on her trail ride and she did great. Then she came back. She brought a lot of weed and snakes and it was fun. Are all these stories true? Or are you just a brilliantly trained character actor? No, they're true. Yeah. You've lived quite a rich life. It is impressive. You sure you don't want to take a run at my wife's cousin? Yeah.

No, I appreciate it. I'm telling you, man, I think you're going to like her. I'm going to send her out there. She's just a whore. I mean, she's in a relationship too, but... It's not just like trouble. Well, it doesn't matter. Listen...

She wants kids and she loves horses. You guys are just two peas in a pod. That's all I'm saying. Oh, you're going to love her. Then we're going to be family. That's going to be weird. Listen, we appreciate everything you do. All the best. Daniel, thank you so much for having me. All right, man. I'll see you at the next family reunion.

Say yes to summer and get cash back on many of your favorite brands with PayPal, which, let's face it, comes in very handy during the summertime. Everyone is ready for summer activities, which is why using PayPal is a great way to say yes to the summertime fun. Say yes to getting an extra jet ski for your summer cabin. Say yes to getting one of those adapters that you hook to your jet ski that makes you fly up in the air. Heck, say yes to getting a jet ski for your summer cabin.

We'll be right back.

Make sure to download the PayPal app. An account with PayPal is required to send and receive money. Redeem points for cash and other options. Terms apply.

For 25 years, Brightview Senior Living has been dedicated to creating an award-winning company culture so residents and families receive best-in-class services. Across our 50 communities, Brightview associates help deliver peace of mind, safety, security, transportation, daily programs, delicious food, and high-quality care if needed.

Discover how our vibrant senior living communities can help you live your best life. Visit brightviewseniorliving.com to learn more. Equal housing opportunity. Are you catching the big game or making big mods? Going on that first date or installing that first brake kit? Binging that new show or watching install videos? When you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious. eBay Motors has you covered with over 122 million parts to fit your number one ride or die.

Brake kits, turbochargers, LED headlights, exhaust kits, bumpers, roof racks, and engines. Whether you're into speed, power, or style, eBay Motors has all the parts you need for the ride you love. Plus, at these prices, you're burning rubber, not cash. And with eBay Guaranteed Fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply.

I want to thank Chris for being on the show. I can't wait to get out there and ride that horse. I don't think I'll do it. I'll be honest with you. I'm not, I don't want to be on top of a horse. I'll stop by. I'll say hi, but uh, no, no, I'm not going to get on a horse. How about you? You ever ridden a horse, girl? Can a dog ride a horse? That's a great question. What's going on? What have you been up to?

You watching Wimbledon? Huh? I'm watching Wimbledon. Sinner, you know, the new current world number one. Alcaraz, love him. Love Alcaraz. Now, you know, his haircut's getting a little better. It started out very poor. Now it's getting better. Sinner, the problem I have with Sinner, I've seen him play several times. I can't wrap my head around a redheaded Italian. Yeah.

It's just weird. And then when he talks, I'm like, oh, I keep forgetting you're Italian because he's got red hair and I just don't think of Italians as gingers. But sure enough, they've got gingers over there in Italy. Speaking of tennis, I watched that movie the other day. What's it called? The one with Zendaya? Oh, yeah. Challengers. Challengers. Didn't know I was embarking on a little soft core porn thing.

Just all kinds of sex in that. I thought Zendaya was great. There's no chance that she should...

get an award for that but uh the story the story was silly and ridiculous my problem with it was i i couldn't believe the time spanned that she was you know 16 17 in the beginning and then she's 30 something in the end it's like well you look the exact same it's like oh your haircut you gave yourself a bad bob and now i'm supposed to believe you're older that ass ain't 30

Mm-mm. Showing her sweet cheeks in that movie. You believe that? That was uncomfortable. I was just sitting next to my wife the whole time watching this movie going, oh, this isn't necessary. I don't find that attractive whatsoever.

You know, tennis, very sexual game, apparently. That's why I like pickleball. You know, it's less about the sex and more about just hitting a ball back and forth over a net. All right, what's going on? BoysWearPink.com. Check out our clothing line for toddlers. The GOAT, all episodes available now on Prime. We're going on tour. We're doing shows, different places, New Orleans, Florida.

Shows in Hawaii. I think we're going to add something in December. We've got to find a place to go in December. Another one of my son's bedtime stories. See you guys next week. A little story tonight because I'm really sleepy. No, that's too short. Give me a nice story about... I know, I know. Okay, go ahead. Maybe you won't really like this one very much. Well, I'll be the judge. One surprise.

Then...

That was awful.

Does money stress you out? Let Facet flip your financial chaos into clarity. We feel way more confident and secure in our finances. And with that comes a sense of freedom. Financial planning from Facet is here to help you improve your life today, tomorrow, and every day after that. Facet.

FACET was really the place where we saw all of the tools and the people coming together. Visit FACET.com, F-A-C-E-T.com to learn more. This ad is sponsored by FACET. FACET Wealth is an SEC-registered investment advisor. This is not an offer to buy or sell securities, nor is it investment, legal, or tax advice. These testimonials are from current FACET members who were not compensated. All opinions are their own and not a guarantee of a similar outcome.

For 25 years, Brightview Senior Living has been dedicated to creating an award-winning company culture so residents and families receive best-in-class services. Across our 50 communities, Brightview associates help deliver peace of mind, safety, security, transportation, daily programs, delicious food, and high-quality care if needed.

Discover how our vibrant senior living communities can help you live your best life. Visit brightviewseniorliving.com to learn more. Equal housing opportunity.