Wake Me Up
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What is up, everyone? Welcome to the first ever, ever, ever, yeah, ever of all time. Wow, that's very formal. The first ever episode of Wholeheartedly with Kendall and Gailey. I hate saying my own name. That makes me uncomfy, but we're going to do it. I'll say it. It's with Kendall and Gailey, and we're so excited to be here. And also, if you are listening to this or watching it on YouTube, review, like, subscribe,

We really like positive reviews. I do believe in the thumper quality of life. If you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all. But apparently that hasn't happened in society lately. So positive is great. Yeah. And we already have a lot of reviews on Apple, which I'm not sure how because all we released was the trailer. But somebody did give us one star, which is not good. We want five. But I kind

of love that they did. I appreciate the energy, right? That they're like, I'm going to go there and I'm going to hit something. No. Yeah. No. But like, no is better. Like, indifference is worse than love or hate, right? That's true. And they don't care. So if you care to give us one star. Write nice things, please. And you can follow us on Instagram at wholeheartedlypod. And thank you to the 20,000 of you who are already following. We were literally texting each other just in awe and shocked because...

We haven't even posted anything yet. So thank you so much for joining us there. We promise to make it worth your while because we want to reward you for following us there. And thank you for the blind faith in our abilities that we have yet to express. So here we go. So we're doing it. So where do I will say it's a little weird not having Kendall in motion. I feel like whenever I feel really she's talking, she's always like on a bike moving and now she's just like,

Like static. Still. You're still. Physically still is still. Mentally unstill. And unstable. But, you know, we like it that way. That's a constant. That's a constant state of mind up there. And that's something we're going to get into because we really want this part to be about our mental health journeys because, boy, has it been a journey. And the things that we're going through now, the things that we've already learned in our journey,

our journeys. It's such a cheesy word, but I don't know what else. I don't know the other word. I guess you could say mental story path. It all sounds very haughty and kind of like my journey. I don't know why I went into, I don't know what voice. Yeah.

But no, seriously, the word journey, like it makes it seem haughtier and more astute than what it is. Truly, like it's just our life. We're literally just waking up every day like everybody else. Trying to figure it out. Trying to figure out what the heck we're doing. Yeah. And every day I feel like I am building a plane while flying it. And it's terrifying and it's not easy and it's really stressful. It's why this vein is popping out on the side of my neck. You see this as I'm talking about this.

about? Is that your, is that your, it's like my anxiety, like cue. So everybody knows, like, you know, some people get flushed, some people sweat. Like I get this vein that pops out when I think about how stressed out I am. So I currently have a throat patch, like an eczema patch that's over my, I guess it's my throat chakra. Hi, Californians, little hippie here. But I've had it since January and it's now starting to finally calm down after I officially quit my job.

but which is like a weird thing to say, but it still is a little dry and flaky. So for those who have followed along on social media, yes, I've been waking up with a dry eczema face, which I think is a sign of high cortisol levels. So we're going to have to work on that. Yeah, cortisol is something that I feel like I'm constantly battling. But what's interesting is like how our bodies –

physically tell us that something is not okay. Because you have stress hives. You've gotten stress hives. I get stress hives. I have to go to the emergency room and get shots, and then I have to go on prednisone for seven days, and it's awful, and it's all from stress. So that's a big thing that we really want to focus on, and I think – I don't know if this is like a post-pandemic thing, but –

I feel like we're all more stressed than we've ever been. Yes. I think because we came out of pandemic with this weird pressure of I have to make up for lost time. But time completely shifted. Like everyone's like, oh, we're on a different timeline. I completely agree we are. Because the world pre-pandemic and the world now just feel like two completely different paces and two different energies. And I think that's what's interesting is we've all kind of felt like, oh, I lost these years. I lost three years of my life. I think we have to reframe it.

Because we're not going to get that time back in the way that we were expecting to have it. And now we're just figuring out what the new normal is still. And there's a lot of that. I think there's a lot of people on edge right now, a lot of people who are feeling behind the ball and behind the curve.

So rather than play an old game and that game's shut down, it's like we just have to build a new one and we have to find a new kind of pathway through it. And I think we're all just kind of taking baby steps to figure it out. Is part of the new normal also battling ADHD? Because there's so much conversation about it. I don't know if this is because of...

TikTok and social media and shortening our ability to have longer attention spans because we just have this like all you do is just one touch of your finger and you like scroll up or scroll to the side and the next video is coming. The next video is coming and you decide in one second if I don't like it or I'm going to keep going. And so it's created this really, really shortened attention span. And now I feel myself in the morning like I go out. I have a routine. Yeah, what's your morning routine? I go outside. We're actually sitting in my kitchen right now because

The whole rest of my house is getting remodeled. It is. It's kind of like my thing. And so... You're living in a construction. I'm living in my kitchen, sleeping on a couch that's right over there since January. Yeah. For real. That's why when Kendall comes down to visit, I'm like, I don't have a place for you to sleep yet. I would sleep outside. Not right now. I'd be eaten alive by mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are really bad.

But I wake up, I drive me neighbors crazy because I get my blower and I blow up all of the leaves in the yard every single day. And then any yellow leaves that I see, I cut them. I pick up the dog poop that was dropped probably while I was blowing the leaves. And I have this whole thing. Yeah. But what's happening with my self-diagnosed, I can't say I was clinically diagnosed, but my self-diagnosed ADHD is I'll go out in the yard.

I'll start to blow it off. And then I'm like, oh, I think there's a frog swimming in the pool. Oh, you do the cycle. You do the cycle. And then I like put the blower down and go get the little net and I save the frog. And then when I'm setting the frog down over by the side of the house, I see that like the window caulking has like molded a little bit. I'm like, I need to bleach that. So then I set the net down. I go in the garage. I go to get the bleach. And then when I'm in the garage, I'm like, you know what? I feel like I need to blow out the garage because there's sawdust. Yeah, I see where you're going with this. And I go get the

Yeah.

I've been through it all. But I do think the social media then creates a new neural pathway for our brains where we've gotten so accustomed to getting immediate feedback or immediate dopamine so quickly because of a short attention span that then that translates into our lives. So I'm with you. I do the same thing. Like my morning routine after I have two things I always do in the morning. The second I wake up,

Before I leave bed, I have a gratitude journal on my phone. I would love that. And I immediately do the three things I'm grateful for. There's like one affirmation for the day. And then one thing that I can do to help like win that day. Like what's one task? Like maybe it's,

It used to be I hated doing expense reports because who loves them? They suck. They just irritated me. I don't know why. I was very bad at that. Do not miss that. No, not fun. I'm not going to miss that either. Now it's just looking at my bills and being like, it's all an expense report. Great. Lovely. It's a real life expense report. It's like, oh, I'm paying for all of that. Wow. Wow. Okay, cool. But I would do that and then I would either do something like either like a journal or like I have an app on my phone that has like a Bible verse every morning. So then I knew I did two things.

that one, I was not engaging with social media yet. And I have to do those two things, even if I take a moment. And sometimes I'm better at it than others. So did you do it this morning? I did. I did. It's helpful because if I get, it's the one way I can start my day and I feel like, okay, I got something done before my thought spiral goes. And then I let myself do it. Like if I'm making breakfast and Shadow Man is here in the...

Oh, we'll get to shadow. We'll get to shadow man eventually. But she, he kind of laughs at it too. Cause like, I'll be like making breakfast. And then in the middle of cooking the eggs, I'm like, Oh, let me wipe out this countertop and let me change this laundry. And it is, it's a thing with ADHD, I guess, where you have to group tasks by their relation to each other. And you just go through the cycle and you do a little bit of each. So I do like two or three things at once. So it's like usually making the bed and making breakfast and like

you know, doing another cleaning pass on the kitchen or laundry. It all happens in like this weird symphony. Something, something I feel you on that. Something that's helped me and my friend Shosh, you know, Shosh, we went to dinner in New York. I love Shosh. She said she has, she struggles with the same thing. And she said that as soon as she starts doing something, when her mind goes to the next thing, she tells herself, finish the task.

finish the task, finish the task. And so I literally will catch myself like mid dropping the vacuum to go get the caulking gun. And I'm like, finish the task, finish the task. And then I like just stay with the vacuum until I finish that. And there's something that is...

That's like, I don't know, I'm almost like calling it out and acknowledging it to be aware of it. And then that helps me address it. Totally. The brain is not self-aware of what it's doing. It's going to keep doing whatever it wants to make it feel better. And whatever feels like it's going to get that natural reward. Like there's that other thought too about habit stacking. So like if you do a task, you do two tasks together.

And that way there's like something about your reward center. When you do the first task and you immediately do the second one and then you give yourself a reward. So whether it be like, okay, I'm going to go for that walk around the block or I'm not going to have my coffee and make that really nice cup of whatever until after I have it stacked these two things. And there's something about, I guess, doing habits together and making a relationship between the two tasks that helps balance.

I don't know. I guess it helps motivate you to do it and get it done better. I totally buy into that. Oh, you know the other one? This is so funny. Do you have house shoes?

Who doesn't have house shoes? Thank you. Thank you. Okay, no, this is a very real thing. So I have shoes that like slides. Only for the house and you don't wear them outside. And they are not to touch the outside world. They're storing things outside. Like if I could be bringing in out, I'm not doing that. Yeah, there are literal house shoes. But what's interesting, they say there's a difference if you have kind of, I guess, like a spicy ADHD brain or a spicy brain in general, which I just think.

Spicy brain? I call it spicy brain. My brain's spicy. That's not a brain. That's a spicy. Other direction. That's a spicy other body part. God bless. Good luck. No, my whole body gets hot. Do you realize? Yeah. You're not a spice girl at all.

If you were to be like a Spice Girl from the group, who would you be? Speaking of ADHD as we completely jumped multiple. Literally, that is what's happening in real time. Is that ADHD? We have some spicy brain. You would be Sporty Spice, right? You know what, though? Yes and no. I don't think I think I have Sporty Spice tendencies, but like my I feel like my truest self, maybe because I love I just love Victoria Beckham.

be honest be honest i freaking love them so much i feel like i have a little bit of posh in me oh you totally do because i don't like i don't wear track pants all the time contrary to popular belief everybody just because i wore them every single day of my life for the last five years but i'm not very posh today i am wearing real i think we're both a combo of sporty and posh spice yeah and posh for me you have some babies because you're such a sweet you're such a sweetheart you really are

I am not so much like because of my style, but more because I think of like the designs that I make. I try to make them very elevated and elegant. Yes. Right. Whereas like you dress and like you have amazing style clothing and things like that. But also, you know, like I was a college athlete. Like I feel like I'm sporty too. That's what people don't know about you, which makes me laugh. Like you're like weirdly athletic.

Like you're very talented athletically. The way that I will never run, let me just let this be known. Amazing if people do marathons. Not for me. I will cheer you on. I will run a stretch with you. I'll do like a little three mile like job with you. After that, nope, done. Like these dams, these hips, which are very sore.

These legs, these short little legs of mine, they have motor, but they are not meant for distance. Meanwhile, you're like, oh, I ran like this. So we will like, we'll be the perfect duathlon team where I'll run and you'll bike. Oh, give me the bike. Give me the bike. Give me the swimming. I like the swimming too. I like swimming too, but I'll let you swim. Yeah.

Okay, cool. Okay, where did we go with this? We started with spicy brain. Okay, no, but- Oh, house shoes, house shoes. See, it always goes back to the tree trunk. You have to have house shoes. Apparently, when you wear house shoes versus just being barefoot, it puts your brain, when you start this habit, you put your house shoes on and then it's like you're getting your tasks done.

So it gives your brain a signal. Oh, once I put my health shoes on. Yes. Uniforms are important. It's very helpful. I mean, hello. You know your uniform. Hat, overalls, check. So I think something I read, I don't remember if it was the Wall Street Journal or New York Times, but one of those journalistic places. And they were saying that they pulled –

some of the biggest CEOs and they asked them, what are the habits? What are the things that you do every single day as part of your routine? And I think nine out of 10 of them said that they start every morning by making their bed. And I remember sitting there thinking like, you have millions, if not billions of dollars. Why are you waiting, spending minutes making your bed? And what they determined was that

they all got in this habit of starting their day out with something productive. So from the moment you wake up, if you do one thing productive, which PSA is not scrolling on Instagram as much as I want you to watch my design videos or watch one of Kendall's amazing commentaries on the bike. Instead of starting your day off with something like that, do something productive that's also physical.

It's not like, "Oh, I'm going to check emails." That's productive because you're still laying down, you're still in bed, and now you're commingling your sleep life with work life. That's not healthy. It's not an active choice. It's still a passive experience. Since January, I woke up every morning and I took the blanket off of the couch and I put the pillow back in the corner of that couch. Then I pulled the blanket and I set it over there next to my refrigerator.

because i am literally living in my kitchen for six months now um can i at least get you like an like an inflatable no i'm good we're good i got your i'm trusting when i do projects for clients like i you don't need sleep i sleep on their couch at the install it's like this but i don't waste time driving home because i'm a couch sleeper now like by by profession by

I train. Is that a, you claim it. Yeah. I really love that. But it sucks because when my boyfriend Dale is here, he's like six foot three and he is not going to fit on my couch. He's a big guy. No, we do not fit. So he, I just fold a bunch of blankets to try and make it really thick and he sleeps on the floor. You think he's

And basically can't and like will fall asleep in my hand will be hanging off the couch and his hand will be holding on. So we normally fall asleep cuddling. So now we fall asleep just like holding hands like Titanic. But like eventually his drops off because he's on the ground and like gravity where I can never let go. Jack. Jack, let's go every night about like five minutes in. Dale, let's go. He just totally like fades away.

Okay, when can we fix up your, at least can we get your bedroom done? Can we prioritize that just for like your personal life and your sleep? Yeah, but what happened was the client on this install is really, really difficult because she keeps changing her mind. She keeps adding new things. Oh, the client being yourself. Yeah. Sorry, I was a little slow to the update. So I just keep adding more things. So right when I think like, oh, I'll get the bedroom done and then I can move in,

I end up you ADHD brain it and decide to go to the hospital. My little woman is like a result of my ADHD. Oh, and my dog Patch is here. I know for those of you who aren't watching on YouTube. I love this. So if you hear that noise. Bowie could never be this large. Hi, baby.

Hi, baby. Bowie would want to do this. He'd just yelp at me until I put him off on my lap. Oh, you talk Bowie. He's so cute. So the very first question we were going to start out with before we even addressed it because we ADHD'd so hard is I wanted to tell our origin story of how we met. Because so many people follow both of us and have been on this journey

with us, but they had no idea that we were actually friends and confiding in each other. They probably thought it was like a fake social media relationship. You know what I mean? And what's crazy is this all happened before either of us had over a thousand followers. Yeah, I remember watching your Instagram. And we can talk about this in a second. You can talk about it. No, tell it. I watched your Instagram post

literally go from, I think like 2000, maybe 800. Yeah. I think maybe it was 800 from the first time I met you. And literally I watched it grow to the point that I was like, did she buy followers? Cause it happens. No, I didn't, but it just happened so fast. No, no, no. But then, I mean, and the social media person in me who like used to do that for work for a while, I was like, I looked at all of your, all of your likes and comments. I was like,

Oh my God. She's like, she just went viral. And it was so fun to watch you blow up and see like all of your designs really start to take off. And I'm like, I know her. I'm like, yes. I was like, this is so badass. So anyway, do you want to talk about how we met? Are we allowed to say where? Oh yeah, we can say where. I'm not under contract with anybody now. I'm afraid of wearing.

So I was with my ex who lived in New York and he was big into boxing. So I was taking rumble classes with him, which is like, it's just like a, now it's kind of everywhere. But at the time, it was like the spot.

In New York. And it was where you went to take boxing classes and work out. And who was the instructor? The beautiful, the amazing, the powerful Kendall Tull. But that was like early in my fitness career. And it was so, so much of a kicking ass. Thank you. Because I love the boxing part. I love the teaching part. But I look back at like some of my social media posts.

So cringy. Dude, every everyone's are so bad. Everybody's old social is so rough. And I just think like the captions are so bad. Oh, the captions. Remember how hard you work? I used to rhyme everything. Oh, were you like the alliteration? I guess. I literally would not write a caption unless every other word rhymes with the previous word. And then I would do hashtag that rhyme. It was crazy.

It's mortifying. When I look back at it, it's mortifying. We'll have to do that. I thought it was so legal. I thought it was so cool or different for doing that. I mean, yeah, you did the work. Mine was just, I was kind of told they're like, listen, if you like want to build a fitness following and like for the brand, like you really have to look like a badass. You really have to look hot. Some of the photos I took of myself on self-care, I'm like, absolutely not. Like if that were my daughter,

In the future. I'd be like. Take that down. I've removed a lot of them. They were. They're archived. It's scandalous. It's not. They weren't like. By no means. Were they like. Only fans territory at all. But they were a little Instagram. Like they were like. Fitness Instagram girly. A little bit. Because that's what it was at the time. Yeah. And I was like. Look back. And I'm like.

You know what? Fake it till you become it, but damn. I'm happy I didn't really become that. I love that you just said fake it till you become it instead of fake it till you make it. See, rhyming. Oh, yeah. We're not rhyming anymore. Yeah, no, we're done rhyming. No rhymes. No rhymes. No, I love that. Fake it till you become it.

Yeah. A dance teacher told me that. And you are. You did. Yeah. I think delusion is – are you ready for another one-liner? Delulu is the salulu. Oh. I hate that. Wait. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that. I take it back. I take it back. I hate it so much. I love it. Yeah, right? It's so bad. It's good. Yeah. But it is. You have to be delusional about it. I think a lot of it, I wanted so badly to be in fitness and build this life. And I was working in tech and in media and was not happy at all. Yeah.

And I did a vision board and I've talked about it before in like an article a long time ago, but I did a vision board and I put like all the fitness girls I really looked up to on there and like what I wanted the brand to look like and colors and things like that. And it's wild how a year later and a mentor of mine was like, hey, do this. Look at it every morning and every night and watch in a year from now, you'll be living something very similar to that. Manifesting is so real. And it's priming your brain. It's no different than what we're talking about with like the morning habits.

Like when you have that moment in the morning, it's like putting on a setting spray or putting on good skincare. It sets you up and then your brain looks for things that connect to what you've placed in it. To your point about the neuropathways. Yes. Right? Like you're telling it what you find. When you're manifesting something, you're literally creating the pathway in your brain neurologically of like this is what I'm going to achieve. This is what I'm going to follow and you're creating space for it. Yeah. Yeah.

So how did you do that when it came to, because obviously we met, I met you through those rumble classes. Well, yeah, we have to talk about. Well, because you, look, I love you. You were unleashing on those bags. Like, you know, there was, it was my favorite class. I think it was at the Nolito one or the NoHo one with the really long hallway of bags, which by the way, that studio was for sure haunted. There was someone kicking around those bags in the middle of the night. We had it on the footage after we'd have like a late night training session for the newer instructors, one of whom ended up at Peloton.

way later which was really fun callie who was also a florida girl who we love she's such a sweetheart but callie when we were training callie sometimes late night in that studio we'd leave and then we'd get like an alert on the cameras one of those big aqua bags that's like 45 50 pounds would just start swinging it was the creepiest thing they have tv shows about this yes they do paranormal activity uh check out that studio there's stuff going down but anyway i remember ironically i

You were on one of those hallway bags, which is what we'd call it the hallway. So it was a pain in the rear to try to coach down there because you get hit by somebody or a bag. It's so dark. Yeah.

And I remember seeing you go off on it. To the point like your boyfriend at the time could not hit the way you could. I was like – I remember being angry. Like at the back. Not in my relationship. No, like you were getting it out. Like you were like – I was like, oh, she's got stuff going on. But I had a lot of respect for her. It's so cathartic. Yeah. It's so cathartic about working out and especially something where you're physically like hitting or punching the bag. For me, I'm like hitting the ground because I'm a runner, right? Yeah. So I'm just like – I'm just –

me and the pigment are going at it every time I run. And I think that there's something that...

allows you to get out of your brain because you have to focus on what you're physically doing, right? Yeah. Like the vibration. You're getting it. Well, you're getting the coordination. Yeah. And that's what's cool about getting them back. It's a little bit like meditation. Yeah, it is because you have to be present when you're doing it. There's no choice. If you get in your head, you're going to hit it the wrong way and you're going to get responded to immediately. Like the feedback from that is so powerful. But yeah, I remember meeting you two and

And being like, I'm curious about her. I'm like, she's really interesting to me. And I think you started following me. I creep – I stopped and found you because I was like, she's really cool. And then I started following as you were redoing or doing the Connecticut house. Yeah. And I remember the first thing I saw, I was like, dang, she's really talented. And I sent it to my mom who you met earlier today. Yeah. So sweet. And you scavenged in the backyard for these like twigs or something. Yeah.

You scavenged her. And you wrapped them around and made this mega cool, like, badass wreath for over one of the fire – like, I remember this so vividly. And I was like, damn, she's talented. Like, maybe I should scavenge for a wreath. Little known, I was in New York, and if I scavenged for anything, I probably would have had, like, dog poop and –

some type of other feces, urine. You drug paraphernalia. Don't scavenge in New York City. Don't do that. But it was amazing what I saw you do. And then from that point, I kept watching just you were sharing your journey of building that house, which I know I can see it on your face.

Yeah, and feel it all because that was a rough time in your life. That was a journey, ladies and gentlemen. That was a journey. That was a full ass book. Yeah. Yeah. No. So, you know what? What's interesting too is as you're talking about, you know, like you started following me and you saw that I was making these reads and creating all these things and it looked like I was living this amazing life in a mansion in Connecticut with my fiance who is now an ex-fiance for those of you who don't know me yet.

And I was living this fairytale life out on social media. And, you know, I worked in finance. I worked at Goldman Sachs. And I was an executive. And I had this powerful job. I had this handsome fiance. And we had this beautiful mansion. And I was making these – You guys were like Barbie and Kat. And I was like growing my account like barely, right? It went from 800 to like 1,200 followers. Yeah.

creating these things and like you were watching it, showing your mom, saying how amazing it looked. But on the inside, I was literally dying with my eyes wide open.

I was struggling so hard and I was working so hard to do things to impress him to try and feel like I was worthy of being loved. And I was trying so hard to get his approval because I looked up to him and I admired him so much and I just wanted – I wanted to feel like I was worthy of him. And something I realized in my life now, like years later, is that I think part of why I work so hard and –

to an unhealthy extent. It's like I'm just – I had this epiphany literally yesterday. I think I'm almost like working to justify my existence on earth. Like I'm trying to justify why I deserve to be here. And in my friendships, I work so hard to make sure like they're happy and I'm doing a good job because I feel like I need to –

Like you have to prove it. Yeah. Like I have to earn their life or their love or something. And it all boils down to being really insecure. And I think that's where like a lot of the mental health stuff that I know we're going to get into at some point. Yeah. In the podcast episodes. But yeah.

I think that it all comes down to like me being insecure and struggling and just wanting to make other people happy so that I feel like I deserve to be in their presence. And it's wild because I hear you talking about like following me and how amazing. But that's where it's so fascinating, right? Because I can completely relate to that. Like so much of my life leading up to my big –

really terrible almost moment in college where for those of you who don't know I've talked about this very publicly this is my spiel like I'm pretty good at getting it out pretty quickly but like I have anxiety and depression I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 11 and that manifested more fully in college I was the same way like I had straight A's I was a cheerleader I was in the film program at USC which is like incredibly hard to get into from the surface level everything was great even my closest friends some friends I had to this day like one of my best friends Kate she's like babe

Babe, I had no idea what you were going through. But it was that. I was keeping up this facade and playing into this mask because I felt like I had to prove it to be worthy of, again, I think it really does go down to existence. Like I was this high-strung individual and I had to perform. And sitting with myself and then getting to that point, that very terrible night, which, by the way, it'll be 10 years. Oh, wow. This November. Wow.

which is wild. And a shoot I did recently, actually for Lululemon, that's going to come out for World Mental Health Day, which is wild. Base camp was right next door.

to the apartment complex that I lived in and almost in my own life out that night. I was, my mom was on set. We were bawling. It was like this beautiful full circle moment because I've avoided that place for years. Like literally it's been, I haven't set foot anywhere near like a four block radius from that apartment complex since that night. For base camp and the trailer and everything, I walked out and I looked up at the roof line, which was where everything went down.

So for the people that don't know you and don't know your story, like, can you walk through what happened that got you to that point of standing on the roof and having that conversation with yourself? Yeah. How did you build up to that spot? And then more importantly, like, what changed your direction from that moment? What was that moment to stop that? Yeah. So...

It was a slow going process. And I think a lot of people who've been through to a really dark place mentally, we know this. It's not like a light switch where it all of a sudden just happens and it just hits. It's a slow burn and it's very subtle. So for a long time, the best way I can describe it was like I was losing color out of my life. Oh, wow.

Right? Oh. Mm-hmm. It's funny because when you say it to somebody who knows that feeling, it's like... It's perfect. That's exactly what it is. It just is like, you know when you're editing a photo or something or doing something and you're watching it go from full color, like Technicolor, down to like a sepia tone and then down to full black and white? Yeah. That's what it was. And it happened over a course of time. So like I grew up as a kid actor, which probably really screwed up with my head. I had great parents who protected me from...

lot of the stuff but I do have stories and it makes me really sad actually to know all of what's come out about like the Nickelodeon and Disney kids and knowing like I had friends who were on the Dan Schneider shows and it makes sense in hindsight seeing the hell that they were going through and I feel really bad being like I was in that circle I was never I never was successful enough to end up on those shows which I guess is a huge blessing and

In hindsight, right? Like, thank God I wasn't. Anyway, very failed kid actor. So I had this very high strung, like, I have to perform. It's an audition. You have to turn it on. You have to be always ready and on camera. And then I got into college and this film that I was that I did, I did the short film and then it turned into a feature film was supposed to, you know, be at Sundance and all this. It was a Sundance short project.

And it had a poor kind of, it wasn't, it was received okay. It was at the Berlin Film Fest and did semi-decent. It was on Netflix for a blip of a period of time. You want to see my natural brown hair? Check it out. Yikes. Yeah. So I just felt like I had failed.

Like I had in my head, you're going to make it before you're 18. I had agents who told me you're not going to complete college. Like your career is going to take off all of this. And when you're that young, when you're that young, you don't have the tools. You don't have the tools to understand. And you also don't understand yet that like you're probably not alone and other people feel this way too. And then you feel even more isolated. Yeah, because everyone's performing. It was the perfect performance.

performance. Isn't that high school? Aren't we all just performing and trying to act like something's okay when it's not? We're supposed to be. Exactly. And the root cause of all of this is all of us are trying to be more than what we already exist as and what we are is more than enough. But learning to fall back in love with who that is and that imperfect person is a lifelong process. And anyway, so all this led up

I knew it was getting close to senior year. It was my senior year. And yeah, it was November of my senior year leading up to Thanksgiving. And I just, I started isolating myself from my friends. I wouldn't go out. I wasn't a big partier anyway. I always was like mama bear. I'd look after everybody. I didn't like the like hyper drinking culture. It just wasn't for me. I did love a lot of the relationships I built there, but then I just started self-isolating. I would pretend I was too busy with school. I would pretend, oh, I have this like film product, whatever. That wasn't it. I was just,

So like it was hard to shower, all those things that started to get really difficult. And then, yeah, I mean, that night, I just – Was there like one thing that happened that kind of put you over like the metaphorical straw that broke the back? I was sharing a room with a roommate at the time and we were just completely polar opposites. Her life and my life were different. She wanted to go out all the time. She transferred into the school. So I think she had this like I have to catch up for old times sake. She was very, very messy. Yeah.

And unclean. I would die. That did not help. That did not help. And I just felt like I couldn't really breathe. And a lot of it, I think I was probably prickly and self-isolating to other people in hindsight. And it was, you know, me trying to protect myself. But also, to be fair, I think it's very hard to be kind to other people and gentle. When you're in a dark place. When you're attacking yourself.

Totally. With your personal internal. You're being tortured. Granted, it's by yourself. But when you're being tortured, you do not have an ounce of energy to put in to be kind or present. Or the little bit that you do, it's so surface level. And then there's that Taylor Swift song, which is so funny. I'm becoming a Swiftie, I think somehow, which you're happy about. I know that.

but the do it with a broken heart. It's like I act so, you know, I'm so depressed. I act like it's my birthday every day. And it's nice. That's exactly it. Like you're playing such a role that you over index, right? Like you're over positive. You're over cheery. You're over, you know, bubbly. And that would be my alert to anybody. If you notice someone in your friend group,

who really seems like they're on the high of life and it's extra amazing, please check in with them. Yeah. Because that's usually, I think, a defense mechanism. Yeah. To something really deeper going on. Anyway, so leading up to this, I think I just got to the point I'd had these thoughts running through my head for a while. And I just, I don't know, I felt like I needed to get air and I went up onto the roof and then, oh God, I'm like,

See, we knew we were going to have tears in one of the podcast episodes, so I didn't think it was going to be me. But yeah, I got up onto the roof and I put my phone on do not disturb. And I just was like, what's the point? And it's funny to be a grown woman now, to be the age that I am and have it almost be 10 years ago and know that that girl like and that mindset still is in me. God, we're going to cry. Yeah, I'm crying now. Yeah, I'm not helping. Yeah.

And, um, it just, I was tired. I was exhausted. I was tired of not feeling like myself. I was tired of putting on a show and I was just exhausted of it. And, um,

There was no color. There was no color. It didn't seem like there would be color ever again, too. I think your brain tricks you. There's a hopelessness, but it's this really quiet hopelessness that it just, it's like just an emptiness. It's like, oh, it's just time for it to close. It feels like the end of a movie. And you're like, I guess it's just the movie's supposed to end. And climbed over the fence, the sledge, and

And I kid you not, I had this flash. It was funny because for how numb and black and white my world was, this was Technicolor. And it was a series of like snippets. It felt ironically very like Christmas story or whatever it is, or Christmas Carol of what would become of my mom, of my dad, of my brother. And that did it. And I turned around and like,

Grabbed the rail and turned around. I looked at my phone that I swear to God I put down. I was on silent. My phone was lit up and I had like 15 or 16 missed calls from my mom. She knew. She knew. And I saw it and then it like I was like, oh my God. And it was like I had a breath put like someone slapped me across the face. It was like, whoa, wait, how did I end up here? And then went back over, looked at the phone.

And she was calling again and I picked it up and I was like, hey, can you – she's like, what's wrong? Like she knew immediately. And so I picked up. I'm like, can you just pick me up? And then the next three months, I don't remember anything. I apparently – my mom emailed all my professors. Of course, my grades were fine. They're like, she doesn't even need to take the final. Like everything is like a 95 to a 98. Not that that's a flex, but it shows you that you can still –

Yeah.

And my dad came up to my room and we have always had a family saying, I've said it a million times on the Peloton. I closed out my rumble classes with it. I know you remember that. I remember when I changed my career from being in tech and media into fitness. I posted it one day on my Instagram way back in like 2017 or something.

And he looked at me and he leveled with me and you could see how worried he was. And he was like, look, kid, I love you to pieces. But he is like, I need you to get up and get out of bed. I need you to start trying or your mom and I are going to have to put you in an inpatient and we're going to do it. And it might take you a little bit longer to graduate because we're going to do six months and make sure we get you right. And I just was so afraid I'm not graduating on time. Like I still have stress dreams that I don't graduate on time, which is so stupid. It's been years.

Anyway, and he just looked at me and he's like, you know, what do we know in this family? Like, it can knock us down, but it's never going to knock us out. And I need you to get back up. And seeing my dad, please, shit, I didn't think I was going to cry this much. Seeing my dad really beg me as a grown man and my father, like, I was like, dang, I'm really, I need to take care of this. Like, I have a responsibility to the people that I love. And so, yeah.

Yeah, I was in therapy probably two to three times a week. Really was isolated, moved into a – it's now been torn down, but it was like an old Spanish, which is why I love Spanish LA architecture. Yeah. An old Spanish little tiny cockroach-laden place.

studio apartment that I loved off of Hoover Street, off of Hoover and Jefferson, South Central LA, that I loved more than my life. It was my favorite. I call it the chateau. And I had little cockroaches. Chateau, yes. Yeah, cockroach, chateau a la cucaracha. We're going to mix French, we're going to mix Spanish. And I got through that final semester and

and really worked on my mental health. And it was a very contained existence. And then I found a way to graduate and started moving on with my life and continuing therapy and then second media and then that went south and then fitness by proxy. There's layers. We can get into it as we go. I've already chatted this whole thing. But yeah, I think that mental health moment was simultaneously the biggest change in my life, but it was my biggest wake-up call because I

I never want to live my life numb or in black and white ever again. So I'd much rather do things that scare the hell out of me and risk it and show up and be fully present and maybe stick my foot in my mouth or maybe say stupid things rather than not live at all. Because that trying to be perfect and trying to present, literally, it stole years from my life. I didn't live my life. I was living...

to try to exist as something otherworldly other than myself. And the freedom that's come from just being like, yeah, I'm not perfect. I make a ton of mistakes. I'm still figuring it out. I'm going to say things that are going to hurt people. I'm going to say things that

you know, I need to grow and learn from, but at least I know I'm moving in that direction. And I'd rather be unfinished than like finish it out myself because I didn't live up to an expectation I thought I should have existed in. I just want to start by saying I am so grateful that you exist and that you are here because you're touching so many people, but, you know, especially me.

And I just can't imagine if that story had gone a different way. Do you know how many people wouldn't have benefited from getting to know you and experience you and the lessons that you share? It's the butterfly effect. That ripple that you've created is a tsunami now. And it's the most beautiful one. And it's why you're supposed to be here. And I think...

a big takeaway from what you went through is that there is something so dang empowering about being so low because it instills a sense of fearlessness in you. You kind of already know how bad it could go. Oh, this is like the worst I have ever felt. This is the lowest I have ever been. This is the saddest. This is the darkest. This is the most lacking color and hopeless I have ever felt in my life.

And if I survived that, then why the heck won't I go after everything else I ever wanted? Because if the result is I end up here, well, I already know I can survive that. Exactly. Yes. Because your life is proof of it. And I think that's the biggest takeaway. And thank you so much for that. And I really appreciate that. And I'm inspired by you and knowing...

the layers of stories, some of which will be revealed. We'll get into that. We'll get into those. Not today. Too much deep stuff here. Yeah. That's why we have a whole every weekly episode to get through a lot of it. Every Wednesday. That's what's beautiful is getting to have friendships and meet people because you also recognize people immediately. You and I recognize each other immediately without ever having the depth of this conversation. It's a sense. When you know someone's been to hell and back and you're

It just, you see it in their eyes. It's almost like you saw me punching that bag. I knew it. And you were like, there's something deeper here, but also like, I like her. And I felt the same way about you. And I was only following, you know, 30 people and I followed you. I know. I noticed. I was like, oh, I really honored. Yeah. And you, you like, I only had 800 followers and you followed me. And it was like this instinctual, there's a couple of people in my life, like show, should we talk about earlier? There's a couple of people in my life who right when I meet them, I'm like, I don't know you, but I'm just both.

too. Yep. And I'm not letting you go. It's like an instinct. I'm not letting you out of my sight, at least not electronically on my social media. You know, I'm keeping you in my metaverse. And I think it just goes back to like, it takes one to know one. It takes one to appreciate one.

So when you see it, you just instinctively know it. And those are the people you want to hold close because you aren't having to translate who you are and how you think and how you talk because you're speaking the same language. You're on the same vibrational level. Yeah. Your frequencies are so in alignment. There's that really interesting...

It's on, it's gone through Instagram and TikTok, but it was like, you know, the little, what do they call it? The balls. The balls. The metal balls. The metal balls. The droopy metal balls. The droopy metal balls. They hit and then they- Then hit and then the energy goes to- It's like equal opposite reaction, right? Yeah, yeah. Like it's physics. It's physics. But there's like, they hit like a tuning fork and it said when you're with people that aren't your vibe and the tuning fork was at a different frequency than what the metal balls were hitting each other with. It sounds terrible.

but and the metal balls didn't move but then when the tuning fork with the same vibrational frequency as the metal balls I can't metal ball but when the tuning fork was hit then then the balls so hit the fork with the ball hit the fork with the balls and the balls before like how everyone just the lesson is your frequency is real and your vibe is real if it's the right vibe the balls will move

Speaking of, you know, vibrations and kind of being on that same frequency. Yeah. What's so interesting is that we met without really knowing each other and much about anything other than like I was taking it out on a bag and you were coaching a class. Yeah. But we have been living these parallel lives. Uh-huh.

Where I was in finance and you were in – I was at Peloton. At Peloton. And we were living these parallel lives in relationships, in social media growing, in building careers, and then both leaving our jobs. Very safe, cushy, comfortable, successful life.

Well-respected jobs. Yeah, exactly. And we left them to bet on ourselves. And I think that's a big thing that we're going to focus on in the pod is kind of betting on yourself. And we did it in kind of different ways. Like I had this career at Goldman Sachs. I was a finance executive for a decade. And I was so scared to leave that I started a side hustle. And I kept that going for years.

four years. I don't know how you didn't sleep for four years. While keeping my day job, I did not sleep for four years. And Kendall did what I think is the more brave move. But I think that... She full geated. She just geated right out of there. Like right off the seat. Just woo!

with her iced coffee. And, and I, I feel, I feel like there's something there that might be additive to somebody because I learned so much in the process of doing that when I called double, I'm a prepubescent boy whose voice cracks that, that actually happens when I get nervous. So now everybody knows that too. But, but I was double Tarzan-ing, which is,

what I... I feel like... That sounds like something way worse. Don't. Hear me out. Hear me out. So Tarzan is in the jungle and he's staying off of the floor because he's holding on to the vine, which is like his lifeline. Yeah. It's protecting him from...

all the lions, tigers and bears underneath. And it keeps them safe. And I feel like that is your day job. Your day job is giving you shelter. It's keeping you safe. It's probably giving you health insurance. And it's predictable, right?

And I felt like I was double Tarzan-ing where I had my lifeline at Goldman, which maybe not a vine. It was more like golden handcuffs that I was hanging from. Yeah. And I'm swinging through the forest and I saw this other vine, which was design and... And your passions and what you're great at. That you discovered how great you were at it. Like...

I think this is what floors me. You weren't designing. I never designed a day in your life until you started posting that on social media when you were building that house in Connecticut. I was trying to impress somebody else who I didn't feel like worthy of that love. You found your insane talent. And so I was holding on to this other vine, right, at the

same time and I was waiting for literally four years to figure out if this other vine could support me enough that I could let go of the main one. Yeah. Like, but I was so scared that I was literally hanging on to both vines and I was like,

dying, dying. That's a lot of upper body strength. Yeah. And I do not have Kendall tool arms. So I was really literally dying, trying to hold on and support myself. And I was so scared to let go of my lifeline to bet on this other one because part of it was like questioning myself and my abilities and if I was worthy of it. Yeah. The other part was like,

And my employer's going to cover my mortgage. So you're like, can I afford to live my life from this health insurance and this really amazing job that I have? And like, that's so easy for me to do now because I've done it for so long. And it was it was scary. But you just.

left Peloton and you like you you already have because you're an overachiever and a baddie you already have all of these other things that you're planning on doing like this podcast is one of them but we didn't start this until after you resigned so like yeah you literally just were like I'm I was like you literally let go and just trusted that you're gonna catch another vine yeah before you hit the ground yeah and I but with that too I think there's always there's

There was a lot of reasons. There was also a lot of limitations for what I was able to build concurrently while I was there. So part of it was just how the timing was going to work out. But it was also too, it's like, you know, when it's time, you know, when you're like, all right.

Have I extended myself to the max capacity with which I feel like I can expand and grow and really take this to that level? And I think for me, it was at that point of, and I said this quite a few times in class, so many chapters in my life were forced in a dark time. And I still ended up

Okay. In fact, I ended up great. Yeah. And I'm just a big believer. Like there's, there's more happening behind the scenes for your life than what you can even perceive at the time. And like when I, when my mental health went South and I thought I wasn't going to graduate school, I was like,

That was a huge gift that now I understand why I went through that in some parts because now when I got to teach so many people at Peloton and now extended to social media, now the podcast, now other things that are going to start being revealed, I have something to speak about. I have something that relates to people. I was supposed to go through that so that I could talk about it so that just like you were supposed to go through your battle so that you can talk about it and you can help people and talk about how you channeled that and poured that into not only a business but into an active service.

Like you love helping people so much. It is your biggest joy in life, making people happy. It's like so fun to see. And it's from a beautiful, healthy place. I think how you're harnessing it now because it's not, you're doing it out of true service and love. Like you love watching people love their homes and,

oh my god yeah I know and I literally watch my reveal videos in slow motion like on their faces and I just like zoom in on each person's face and I just want to see the look in their face yeah and their eyes light up eyes open and I do it for each project and I like it's how I go to sleep at night literally watching their faces yeah and knowing it's making an impact and making a difference and it makes me so happy yeah and that's I think we all have that ability we all have that

I really think everybody has a purpose. I think the way that the world determines purpose is so BS. It's usually like, oh, you have to make millions of dollars and have millions of followers, all this. F that. That's so not it. It's helpful in certain areas of work for sure. And it's a byproduct in some ways. But everybody has that thing, whether it's like

working in hospitality, or maybe it's being a nurse or a doctor and you're literally saving lives or you're caretaking somebody in their final days and you're making that transition peaceful for their family and their friends. Like there's so many things that I think people are called to do. And what's really incredible is when you're able to close a chapter in your life

not because it's forced and it was just the way that you were kind of shoved out and you didn't have a choice, to have a choice to move on from something and be able to look back in something so positive. In many ways, I think the same thing with you and Goldman. You could have stayed there for another 15, 20 years. I could have. And I would have just been making wealthy people get wealthier. And I wouldn't have really felt like I fulfilled a purpose

that was meaningful that was meaningful to you and what you're capable of doing and I think that's really it's the same thing it's like okay I could continue sure to teach classes and classes that I love to teach I enjoy I'm gonna miss it so much I'll find a way we'll discuss there's plans there's plans people but like we got to be thoughtful and mindful and you know contractual contractually contractually sound on that front

It's that, but how can you take that to do more? You were helping people gain more wealth, which is lovely, but now you're helping people gain more wealth in a different way. You're giving them a home space that they can make memories in, that their children can grow up in, that they can come home from work and feel a sense of safety and security and joy. Home is the most important spot in our lives, and you're giving people a home. I also think it's really connected to your mental health. If you don't feel safe,

and comfortable, happy, proud in the space that you come home to every single day. How are you going to exist? How are you going to be able to take care of yourself and feeling better when you don't feel good if you already don't physically feel good in the space that you're in?

I've watched families go from never hosting anything for their kids' birthday parties or family events because they're embarrassed to have people come over to their house. And now after I've come in and renovated it for them in a weekend, they tell me that they are the hub. They have all of the birthday parties there. They have all of the family things, gift comes and Christmases. And they're so proud to be there. And also they're proud to have their kids there.

Like grow up in the memories in this. Yeah. And to be the house. Like that is my dream one day. I want to be the house. Like the house where everybody wants to go over. There's always fun snacks. You know me. I'm going to be shuffling it up. Making like little healthy treats. But still. And side fun note. I'm designing Kendall's house. And we are going to make it so beautiful. So all of it will be on our social. On our social. So get ready. Yes. People who have predicted that I bought a house in Florida. Yes, I did. I did buy a house. It's getting built. Oh my gosh.

I know, we need to put that in. Yes. So very excited for that. And to get to experience that and our friendship in that way too. You're incredible, y'all. Decisive AF. Like, you need inspiration. You're going to see a different side of me. For sure. Like, and a good side. I'm excited. Where, like, I'm in, like, work mode.

Yeah. And just the thought process of everything is so exciting. But yeah, I think for anybody, what the podcast is going to be, and this is our first episode where we're sharing some of our heart, there's going to be a lot more that comes out. Lots more tears and laughs and some crazy stories. But what's, I think, most exciting is getting to find people that you are in alignment with.

that are at your vibration, that you get to have those parallel lives. And I think those people are put in your life at beautiful timing whenever you need them. So I hope that this inspires somebody to reach out to that friend after this episode and say, oh my God, I love you so much. This reminded, you know, Jaylene Kendall reminded me of us and like where we're at because it's just important that you pour into those relationships because really at the end of the day, when you get old and decrepit and life, money goes away, fame and all that stuff goes away or influence or jobs or anything, but like,

All you have is the amassing of your relationships. And in hindsight, with where I was kind of numb in my life, I didn't pour into those relationships as much as I wish I could have. So now it's, I need to, that's one thing I'm working on, I think, for myself. Now that I have my free time, well, somewhat free time back and, you know, really can focus on what I want to build for myself, I think prioritizing those relationships and really filling my world with that.

is going to be helpful, not only to resub my cortisol levels, which are just going to say, we got to get back. Yeah. The cortisol is what happens when you are really stressed out. Your cortisol level goes really, really high and it's really, really unhealthy. Yeah. And it's something that we both

We're both going to work on it. I'm going to send little breathing protocols and sleep and all that good stuff. But yeah, I think one thing I'm really excited to look forward like working on is leaning into those relationships. And I'm excited because this is a way to do it too. I know. And they get to be on for the journey for it. So if you guys haven't picked up, we're ending every episode with us talking about something that we're working on. I started by thinking like it should be something that we're battling. But like I don't.

think of it as something like that has a negative connotation. I want to say something that we're proactively working on and trying to better. Yeah. And creationary, not like negative. Yeah. Yeah. And we don't, we don't need to end this pod negatively every time. So how I've been thinking about my trying to work so hard to justify my existence is I realized that like, if somebody isn't treating me well,

No matter how hard I work, I can't make them treat me better. No, it's a reflection of their own self-worth. Yes. And that's not just treating, but like respect. If somebody isn't respecting me, no matter how hard I work, I'm not going to change their mind. They're not going to respect me more. And if somebody doesn't just like me, no matter how hard I work, it's not going to make them like me more because I think that the

way that I am and the way I show up in the world is enough to at least deserve being treated kindly.

and with respect. And so if somebody's not giving me that, I am no longer, this is what I'm working on, I am no longer going to try to work so hard that I earn that. Instead, I'm going to remove myself from the situation and say, I respect my heart and what I bring to the table more than working my ass off just trying to get you to like me back. And so that's, that's,

That is what I have been doing the last few weeks. Hell yeah. And that is what I am working on. Well, for the record, screw everybody else, but I don't just like you. I love you. I think you're an amazing and I know your heart and I know how hard you work.

And anybody who doesn't see that or doesn't get that, I think their vibration just can't accept and see that quite yet. And so you wish them the best. And I've had to learn that too. And there's good days and bad days. Trust me. But for the people that don't show up and see you, I just hope and pray that they see themselves first. And I'm like, you know what? If I have to be your punching bag today or I'm your trash can, bring it. Don't take it out on the people around you. Like,

You can try to shit in my cereal, but I don't eat cereal. So shit in your own. Damn it. I need like a yeet button where I'm like, oh my gosh, like an ejector. See? Yes. I eject out. Out of my life. Wouldn't it be fun to like, you're not getting my work ethic anymore. You don't deserve it. No, you cut off the supply. It's great. No, but don't.

truly, you're an absolutely fantastic human. And I can't wait to be along the journey and help you remind yourself of that too. Just like you help remind me myself, me self, like just like you help remind me of things that I need to see in myself and be so supportive, especially through my decision to move on and all of the phone calls we had and

I could not be more proud of you for the decision that you've made. And I know firsthand how terrifying it is to let go of that support line and just like fall. And it's really scary, but it is so dang inspiring to watch you betting on yourself and all of the words you say, all the motivational things.

on the bike, like you're putting it into action. Like you are not just words, you are actually living it. And I, as your friend, I love that I get a firsthand seat to this. Thank you. You're a superstar. And we just really want to thank with our wholeheartedly

whole hearts. We want to thank all of you for being here and being on this wild ride. These conversations are going to be all over the place, but that's because our lives are a little messy as well. Yeah. Putting it all out here. So thank you for being with us. You can follow Kendall at Kendall tool. I'm a gaily Alex, but most importantly,

You can follow the pod at Wholeheartedly Pod on Insta, on TikTok, Facebook. And we'll be here every single week on Wednesdays. On Wednesdays. You're getting your Wednesday drops consistently. Showing up with all of our heart on the table. And yes, if you can do us a huge, huge favor because it really helps when we start out. Yeah. If you can like, if you can review, if you can hit those stars, we'll be here.

Comment. Share it. Put it on social. We'll reshare it. We just like, we appreciate the love and you guys have already been amazing and you're outpouring. So thanks for being OGs from day one. Send over some questions too. Oh, we'll be doing that on the pod Instagram. We'll be doing lots of stories where we want to get your feedback. We want to get. We want your opinion. Yeah, we want your answers to our questions so we can share it. It'll be all there. All right. Bye.

Bye.