lessons from heartbreak
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It's missing in action. So I had to impromptu record an episode now while my daughter's in the next room. Bit of a stressful situation. So basically, I hosted a book swap in Galway this evening and my friend Molly was supposed to come. She's just home from Abu Dhabi. Then her mom tested positive for COVID. I was thinking, no, we better keep it safe. Better safe than sorry. So I had to bring my daughter because Jason's on a fucking lads holiday, if you don't mind.

enjoying yourself is it having a great time no in fairness all his lads are like very innocent do you know what I mean I wouldn't be it's not like that sort of lads holiday so I hosted a book swap social at Galway gorgeous event lovely I wasn't on my A game I'm usually very quick with it

funny, open. Yeah. But at the back of my head, I was going, she's about to throw that porcelain elephant. She's about to knock her head off something. She's running away from me. Her legs are in the air. Do you know that sort of stuff? I had brought her to a bookshop before when I hosted it. And we went with Molly. This was in Belfast. And she was brilliant. Like she wasn't even talking that much, but she was saying a few words. And when I got the microphone out, oh my God, good night. Good night, Irene. She wanted to go of it. And that was brilliant. Whereas tonight,

She was still sort of like, how can I make this about me sort of buzz. She was hogging, let's just say. So she then started squawking because it got her a good reaction. And she proceeded to do that then for a good half an hour. But anyway, it was a good bit of entertainment. She got her 15 minutes of the limelight there anyway. So straight into stage school for her.

now I love that because I'd feel bad if she was one of those see I couldn't bring her to one of those things if she was one of those kids that's hiding behind the leg now she does do that the odd time if there's like men trying to approach her I think fair enough do you know what I wish I could hide behind your leg when a man makes eye contact with me but anytime a man looks in her direction she's like it's time for me to go behind this leg mammy and I'm like I wish I had somewhere to hide and then I'm crouching down behind the buggy I'm only messing

So that's kind of her buzz. But other than that, she's just like, give me a go with that stage immediately. So I wonder where she gets that from. Anyway, so in Galway doing the book swap, I'm not on my A game. I have to do this little bit of a podcast. It's now it's 9pm. That's grand. Had a coffee. And I've had, I'm getting a weird vibe today, like profusely sweating. First of all, it's not even that hot. I'm like wearing a little innie bitty skirt.

But driving down, I was listening to the audiobook, Rememberings by Sinead O'Connor. And people have been, sorry to interrupt, people were recommending this to me for a long time, Rememberings by Sinead O'Connor. Especially now after her passing, God rest her soul. I love Sinead O'Connor, like as a person, but I never really listened to her music. And then I was thinking, why don't I listen to this? Because she narrates it. And oh my God, I felt like I was on drugs.

I literally was checking my water to see if I'd gotten spiked. It was that good. I was like, I'm on such a love buzz right now. I started tearing up in the car. Bea was like talking to me in the back. She was like, Mama, can we play Wheels on the Bus? And I was like, shh, you're listening to greatness. So anyway, I won that battle. We kept Remembering Zahn by Sinead O'Connor. She did get it. Bea did get into it eventually. But it has to be one of the best autobiographies I've ever read or listened to. Oh my God, absolutely. She's very similar in the way she writes to Kit DeWall.

Anyone familiar? Very similar to her. It was just brilliant the way that she writes. Obviously, it was going to be fantastic. I don't know what I was expecting. But anyway, it made me love... Well, it made me understand... It just...

how it highlighted really for me how cruel Ireland was, especially like for our parents' generation. And we kind of forget that now. And I kind of understand now why boomers are like, oh, Gen Z have nothing to be given out about. You know what I mean? Like, obviously the struggles are just different. But back then, Jesus, whoa, Nellie. Whoa, whoa, Nellie. And that's sort of stuff like your parents would say to you in passing. Like my mom would be like, sure, obviously they were kicking, obviously they were kicking the shit out of us. What did she talk, obviously they were,

She wouldn't be saying it and being like, oh my God, I have to process my trauma. Now, obviously that's coming out for her in different ways. We need to work through it.

as she gets older she's getting better but it would just be like sort of a trauma dump in passing she'd be like that was it back then you just got her fucking smacking and you went on with it do you know what I mean she's like of course there were creepy uncles obviously it's Ireland Keelan like what are you talking about you spoiled spoiled brat and you know what now thinking back I'm going you're dead right like what do I have to be giving out about nothing you were oh what you didn't hug me when I was seven you didn't go to my you didn't go to my communion do you know what I mean anyway

Fantastic book. Now again, Galway. So basically, this was supposed to be next week's episode, but I thought might as well just lay it all on the table now while it's on the tip of my tongue, fresh in my brain. So it was going to be learning from loss. And the reason why I wanted to talk about this was is because I love reminiscing and ruminating over past relationships. What did I do wrong there? What could I have done better there?

Yeah, maybe that was my fault a bit, actually. Now that I think about it, maybe I am to blame. That sort of stuff. Maybe sometimes it goes a little bit too far where I'm like, I'm a piece of shit and maybe I'm not worthy of this life, dare I say, a bit too deep. I'm losing you. Okay, let's bring it back, bring it back. Okay, so I was thinking learning from loss because my best friend Ash was here, right?

As you know, she surprised me from, well, I don't know if you do know that. She surprised me from Australia. Jason basically organized this surprise engagement party, which he did inevitably have to tell me about like four days beforehand because I was also speaking at Whale Fest on the exact same day. Anyway, it worked out in the end. Logistically, he still had a big surprise for me. The reason why I had no idea that that was happening is because he said to me, he was like, oh, I don't know.

when he told me about the engagement party he was like I tried to get Aisling to try and see if she was going to be home for that and I tried to ask Molly who's also an Abu Dhabi now Molly had obviously been texting me and she was like I'm so like she genuinely was like I hate myself for not being able to be there but like she's a teacher obviously she couldn't take time off and blah blah blah it's a fucking huge flight whatever I was like I totally understand like it's not a big deal and then Ais the little the little scamp

She was texting me being like, oh, I think I might be home for... She was throwing me off. I think I might be home for Altogether now. Let's come together, which is in August, obviously, the festival. And I was like, oh my God, this is going to be our big blowout. Like a sort of a...

a last hurrah, if you will. So then I'm thinking to myself, Ash is going to come home in August and that's where we're going to celebrate. So then, anyway, Ash surprises me in the bedroom. I'm screaming, it's fantastic, whatever. Spending the whole night with her. Fair play to Jason. It did make me question, though, his ability to lie. He's a little bit too good at lying where I was like, how do I turn this into a fight? I wonder what you're asking.

Anyway, best fiancé ever. Whatever. Second time around. I did train him in. Let's not forget. So Ash surprised me and then she was home for five weeks. I was like, this is brilliant. I can clear my schedule. Now she did a week in Spain anyway, so I was still like doing a few bits, you know. But when she was home, she had like a going away drinks. Ash is one of those people where she is literally, like you're walking down the road,

And she'll bump into like 100 people. She's famous. Like, you know, like someone who's socially famous. Everybody knows her. Everybody loves her. Every single person in my family. And I get real territorial because I'm like, I know that's my best friend. And then I'm getting paranoid. I'm like, wait, no, she's definitely loads of people's best friends. But anyway, she is my best friend. Fist clenched, but...

She's one of those people, everybody is obsessed with her. She's just like the best person ever. Everybody loves her. She can work a room. So at her leaving drinks, I was like, I can't believe there's this many people my age that are still in Dublin sort of thing. I was like, this is like a reunion. So basically the way I met Aisling is I was going out with this guy when I was in my late teens who used to be my friend. I'm obsessed with the friends, lovers trope. That's my obviously favorite relationship archetype. So I was friends with this guy

Then I started going out with. And then, but around that time, I didn't really have friends. I was about 17, 18, 19, that era. No friends to be seen.

Like my sister was my best friend sort of thing. And I was one of those people who was like, okay, you're my best friend now to my boyfriend. So then I started hanging around with his friends. Now his group of friends, he's literally still friends with every single person that he was friends with since he was like five. Like, you know, those lads are just like my mates from school and that's it. And we're going to die together. Like he wants to marry the lads sort of thing. No, love him. He's a great guy. Anyway, I'm not slagging him off. He brought me to this party one day and we were,

sitting down I luckily was sat next to Aisling Williams and we just fell in love and that was it it was love at first sight I think I was about 17 or 18 and that was it maybe there was a few years there where it was a bit of distance but like we'd always we weren't like besties I think at the start but anyway it how did it move on from that how did the relationship progress anyway but we ended up living together then just as lockdown was easing up and that's when we proper were like sisters vibes but

when she had her going away drinks, my ex who introduced us was there. And I was like, do you know what? There's so much that you can learn from an ex and so much good that happens, even though that didn't work, that specific thing didn't work out. Because I was going through a period or an era where just this one particular person, I was like, I wish you were never in my life sort of thing. Like you absolutely tore it apart, ruined it. You were using me and all these horrible things. But then upon reflection, I was thinking, actually, it taught me a lot about myself.

there were parts of that relationship that were good to like process that pain. We turn it into something negative. So we'll look back in hindsight and be like, well, actually this was wrong. And you know, like an inside out where it's sadness is touching all the memories and all the memories are turning sad when we're trying to process pain and grief. When actually as time moves on forward, you can look back on those moments and

And see them, look at them fondly. And I think I was experiencing that over the last year. I was holding a lot of anger. And then when I, when I bumped into my ex at this party, at these leaving drinks, I was thinking, actually, like, I got so much anger

from that relationship with you and it was such a nice period of my life even though it didn't work out or whatever I got ashening from that whole experience do you know what I mean and it's like we can sit down and have a conversation and catch up with each other and I think that's just beautiful because the hardest part of going through a breakup or losing someone in your life is that there's always going to be moments where you wish you could text them or a joke reminds you of them or you want to send them something that's funny and it's just you're not sharing your life with them anymore and it's still that's I suppose because I'm a really sentimental person

there's still moments in my life where I'm like, oh, I wish I could tell this person, like, and I haven't spoken to them in six years. It's pathetic. But there is always positive sides to everything. And hindsight is a beautiful thing. But anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. So coming into Galway, when I was coming into Galway, I have a complicated relationship with Galway as well. So in a past life, I did live in Galway during my many eras. And being in Galway always reminds me of when I had a mullet.

I had an orange at one period of my life I had a bright orange mullet that I cut myself it was absolutely diabolical I had beautiful long bleached hair which was like strong enough it wasn't falling out or anything it wasn't snapping off it was in good nick I was oiling it a lot

My dad had a fecking shower filter. And then once I moved out and moved into Galway, I was like, it's time for me to hack my hair to pieces. Probably a bit of the old mental illness. But I do still have a complicated relationship. Every time I come here, it's like I'm going to shit my pants, but also I'm getting sort of a Sunday of a festival vibes. Sort of everybody is kind of on edge, but like still love each other.

Did you know? Does that even make sense? My maternal side of the family are all living or from Gowie. So whenever I was bold as a teenager, my parents would send me down to my Granny Violet in Barnet.

So I would say I'm well accustomed to the 424. So I used to always like get the bus into town, do a bit of dilly-dallying, get up to no good. And then I actually moved here when I was in my early 20s. And that was a really, really dark era of my life, I will say. But when I was here, when I was living here, now when I was a teenager, I had a great time. But when I moved here, I got it.

And this has never happened to me before and it hasn't happened to me since. So I feel like it has to be something to do with Galwegians, unfortunately. Even though I do love Galwegians, every time I do a bookshop social here, it's fantastic. I have friends from Galway. My cousins are here. You know, that's fine. But I've gotten heckled twice

And the only two times it's happened is in Galway. And the same thing happened to my sister, Saoirse. She got heckled when she was here as well. Anyway, the first time some drunk girl... Now, this is a Spanish arch and everyone was drinking. I don't think I was... I think I was sober at this point. I was probably like on a healing journey. Anyway, some girl walked by and she's like, yeah, I'm Keelan Moncrief. Fair enough, because ouch. That actually did hurt my feelings. And I still think about it to this day. And that was probably about five years ago. And then another time, again, this girl was inebriated.

in the smoking area of electric I used to live over electric so anyway good times I was in the smoking area of electric I was actually sober at this point because I remember my sister Ellie was there and we were doing sober November or sober October one of those either way we weren't drinking so I remember all of this this girl came up to me and she was like me and all my friends slag you and your and your videos I was like oh that's perfect ouch again okay hit me where it hurts I

I'm still thinking about it to this day. Now, in fairness, she did text me after and she was like, why did you block me on my main account? And I was like, because you came up to me and said that you and your friends all slag me. And she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I have no recollection. And I was just like, ha ha, trying to laugh it off. And I pretty sure she tried to get with my boyfriend as well. But anyway, onwards and upwards, growing a thick skin as we go on. But anyway, that's my little bit of a beef with Galway. I'm sorry about that.

Anyway, so I do get a bit like I'm a bit on edge when I go out in public.

I did spend a lot of my time in the hotel here. I went to Charlie Burns bookshop. Obviously love Charlie Burns. She also loves the bookshop in there. She like for some reason she's obsessed with Charlie Burns, the kids section. So I do a little bit of food. I went to Rubin, stunning Korean fried chicken. Then went to Charlie Burns. Then straight back to the hotel and have spent my entire time here. I'm not, I don't think I'm going to do any dilly dallying in the city tomorrow because I was on it. I even went, I went to go bring her to the playground.

in air square and i was thinking there's cursed energy this playground is cursed and i don't know i can't remember if i used to play there as a kid but i was like i'm getting really really dark energy so anyway in fairness everything was getting played with by like older teenagers so i was thinking maybe we should back it up let's back it up now in fairness i've gotten to the stage where my child is now like i want to she wants to go to the cafe over going to the playground and

I don't know why. Obviously it's to do with the sugar. Like she's thinking I'm going to get a chocolate croissant in this situation. So she's saying, why don't we go to a cafe, mama? She's literally like, and when we got back to the hotel, she goes, I'm hungry, mama. And I was like, okay, I can order room service, baby. This is the sweet life. This is what it's like living like a VIP, baby. What do you want? I can call a phone and we can get up some food up in this bitch. We're like, she's at a really good age now where we're actually having a bit of fun.

And she said, oh, no. And she looked at the minibar and she's going, I'm actually hungry for something chocolatey. And I was like, oh, here we go. She has me wrapped around her little finger and it worked. It actually did work because I was like, that's hilarious what you just did there. You're you're hungry for something a bit chocolatey. I'm sorry, I'm sold. Take whatever you want.

It's hard because I want to talk about something a little bit depressing. This is like every episode. It's like I want to talk about something depressing but like have a bit of a laugh as well. Like keep the things a bit light because everything is a bit dark. Like real life is too dark. So let's lighten things up guys. Let's bring up the mood. But I wanted to talk about grieving my grandmother. I'm hopping all over the place with this. But anyway. So basically my granny is still alive Violet.

You would have heard me talk about her before. I don't know if you're a listener of my last podcast. Every time someone comes up to me and they're like, I love your podcast. I'm like, you mean my last one, don't you? You don't mean this one. Even though the stats are pretty much the same, but it's like, I'm going, no, you like the old one, babe. You want to get it back together. That's not going to happen. Anyway. Anyway.

So my granny violet. Okay, so I wrote down a little description of my granny violet because I don't think I was doing it justice when I was talking. I feel like I can form my thoughts a lot better if I have it written down somewhere, either typed or handwritten. If I'm just speaking out loud, I'll probably just fuck up. So I'm going to read off a little bit. Sorry if this sounds so scripted.

But anyway, my grandmother, who didn't like to be called Granny or Nono or Nana or any of those cute pet names you have for your parental figures in your life. She was just Violet. And subsequently, I called all my grandparents by their first names, which by default caused a bit of distance between us. A lack of affection as a formality or politeness. And it feels wrong to be using the past tense to describe her, but a large part has gone, slowly deteriorated away, which is a confusing kind of grief.

I was not close to any of my grandparents, not in the minding me after school or baking cookies kind of way that my peers had growing up. But with Violet, it was a special kind of relationship that everyone formed with her, nearly out of spite. We'd be sent down to Violet when we were bold, which past 13, I almost always was. When I'd be caught drinking in fields or mitching from school, I'd be shipped down to Violet for school breaks or summers where my parents knew I couldn't be getting up to no good while they were at work.

I'd also just started sneaking out at night at this point, so there was no holding me back unless I was chained to something. Violet lived in a long bungalow with a wide porch supported by arches and pillars, which I always thought was very fancy. It was a stone's throw to the beach and shop, so I'd always offer to do odd jobs like post a letter or pick up the milk just so I could take the longer way and walk along the pier.

The front garden was a gravel driveway with crooked steps down to a spongy patch of grass and wildflowers with the small stream running through it. As a child, this place always felt very special to me, like a magical secret garden. I did convince myself at one stage that I saw a fairy hop across the stones along the stream and run under a mossy rock. The last time I saw the garden, the bushes were bare and the stream had dried up and I remember thinking it looked much smaller.

Inside the house, like every Irish hallway, it bore a Mary statue supporting a half cup of holy water, which dried up years before I started coming there. It was obvious from an early age that Viola feigned her interest in God. She was adamant we all attend Mass, but she would make us rush out straight after Communion. It was probably more about being seen there by the neighbours rather than repenting our sins. The house was cold, but there were electric blankets on every bed.

I would actually get scared at night at the lack of noise and light because at home there would always be a faint sound of sirens and street lamps that would leak through the curtains but at Violet's it was pitch black and quiet unless the wind was howling. It always smelled of dust and dove soap and sometimes boiled potatoes. If you were cheeky she'd threaten the wooden spoon but I never really saw her angry.

But Violet's house is what tied us all together. Every Christmas or summer we'd come down. Even when I was there to repent my sins, there was always someone coming or going, which I lost without even noticing.

Violet who would scold you for tattoos and send you newspaper clippings about how sex is a sin but would always hold your hand when crossing the road. The grief that comes with dementia or Alzheimer's is confusing and slow and cruel. So I wrote that because obviously I have a bit of a complicated relationship with Violet. If you listened to my last podcast, I did have an episode on there about how she poured Heineken over my baby's head when she was a newborn because we told her that Jason wasn't a Catholic. Oh no, it wasn't that Jason wasn't a Catholic. It was that...

We weren't going to get her christened. And she was... But like I said, she kind of feigns this really strong religious... But she's actually not to her... Like, she's not religious. Yeah, she was really feigning disgust at the fact that we weren't christening our child. So then she was like, OK, I'm going to do it. And then she tried to pour Heineken over her head. Now, in fairness, she was...

She was not with us at that time. Like she was, she was losing it a little bit. So I forgive her. But there was a long period there where I was like, okay, that's the end for her now. I don't think I could forgive her after that. But then I was like, actually, she's an old woman. Do you know what I mean? She didn't mean it. I have gone to visit her a good few times with my daughter and she doesn't know who I am anymore. So it was kind of like a really slow loss because she's still there.

but also not. But anyway, I'm going to read some of your contributions that you sent in about learning from loss. Someone said that you have to stop trying to control everything. Life, people, the future, especially early on in a relationship. You should see someone through every season before you can begin to know if they'll be around for all of them.

I think as well, it's such a testament to your relationship if you go something, if you go through something difficult because my mom was saying as well, like it's literally, when you have a life partner, it's literally the basic shit that you go through, you know, losing a job, losing a family member. That's like a given that that is going to happen in either of your partners, in either of the,

members of the relationship in either person's life and you have to be able to deal with that and support them through that and it is a testament to the future of your relationship and the longevity of your relationship how either party reacts to that sort of life event and it's the same thing with having a child you don't know how the person is going to react to that until you actually do it and there isn't really

a formula or a test that you can use to see how they will handle that because it is really different for every person and depending on the stage of your life that you're in. And it's not even like that the love isn't there. Like you could love each other a lot, but it's just the person is not meant for you because you needed a different reactor and never a different support system. And that's kind of like what a partner is. It's someone to rely on

And support you when you need it. And I suppose if that's not there. Then it's like. What's the point of the relationship? Sort of thing. Even if you do really love them. So it's kind of sad. When sometimes relationships end in that way. Because it's not as if.

there's an absence of love there or an absence of feeling. It's more just that you're not getting the whole package with that person. And they can learn further down the line sometimes. But that's also why sometimes the breakups have to happen. And even, for example, if I wasn't a perfect partner for someone and then we broke up for whatever reason, I would then reflect on that relationship and then consequently would be a better partner for my next person that I was in a relationship with.

with. So I do think sometimes this experience of pain and heartbreak is very valuable because you do, it does force you to reflect on your past behaviors and improve your behaviors in the next time. And I will say, if anyone is going through one of those breakups right now where you're in so much pain that you feel like you can't live without them or that you can't breathe and you don't know how you're going to go on and you feel as if you're never going to experience love in the same way, because I think we've all been there.

We've all been there. I know I lost my mind during one breakup and every time I've lost someone in my life, it always does get a bit easier the older you get because you learn like coping mechanisms and also you learn to detach from people and you can hold on and cherish those good memories without feeling this like great pain or sadness

that hunger to latch onto it because I think when I was a bit younger, it was like, no, but what we had was so good. How could we let that go? I'll never experience this kind of love ever again in my life because I think when you're a bit younger, you think that that's the end of the world. It's like when toddlers cry when you leave the room or babies cry when you leave the room. They genuinely think that you're not coming back.

They're like, they don't have object permanence. They don't know that you're going to come back into the room in a few minutes. And we're still kind of learning those things as we get older as well. Like when we go through our first heartbreak, we think that we are never, ever going to see that type of love. We're never going to feel that intensity of emotion ever again. When obviously that's not true. Like you can emulate, emulate those feelings. Maybe not with the exact same type of person. Like you can,

I don't think people are replaceable whatsoever because every single person is so different and so unique in their own way. You learn different things...

from different people, from different experiences. And also they give you different things, whether that be positive or negative. But you can feel those emotions because that's all in there. I'm pointing to my heart right now. It's all in there. If you were able to feel that emotion, that means that you can do it again because it's coming from inside your heart. Yes, it could have been, that person could have been the catalyst of that emotion, but that doesn't mean that you can't feel that again. It's definitely inside you there somewhere, but also you do learn

as the years go on, just naturally by osmosis, you learn how to cope with those feelings and like the bad and the pain and the heartbreak because you know that you'll survive it the next time. I've been through this before already. I know that I can get through it and I know it's not the end of the world. So I would urge you, you don't need to, like you don't need to be running after someone who doesn't want anything to do with you.

And I think that is such a valuable lesson that I learned over in the last four years and something that I've actually put into practice because I think in theory, I had this idea in my head where I had this level of detachment and I was like...

They don't owe me anything. Everyone was within the right to not like me or not want me in their lives. I think that's fair enough because there's people that I don't like and there's people that I don't want in my life. So I have to understand where they're coming from and that I don't like the saying being like, it's not personal because it absolutely is personal. Like people don't like you for who you are. It couldn't get more personal than that.

But we do have to understand that it's just fair enough. It's a rite of passage. It's just a part of life that people are not going to like you. Like you can't please everybody. And that's just a fact. I would like to add that you don't need to run after people and chase people who don't want anything to do with you. And I definitely in the last two years in particular, I don't care about... Obviously, I would like to know mistakes I made, but it's not their job to explain that to me. I think the moment that you...

start running after someone or start chasing someone or trying to find the answers as to why someone rejected you or didn't like you is the moment that you start losing yourself and you'll start molding yourself to fit this sort of perfect image into

to be more likeable by that person that you find attractive or that you want to keep in your life. And that is not going to be helpful whatsoever because you're always going to feel this level of dissatisfaction. And imagine they reject you then after that. After you've changed everything about yourself and they still don't like you, how are you going to feel then? I'd rather be disliked for who I am than disliked for someone that I fabricated in my head or this fantasy that I made

to try to appease this person. We've all been through that phase though as well. I think that is also a natural, normal part of life when you're growing up. Like when you're a teenager or in your early 20s, you're trying to figure things out. You're trying to figure out who you are. You're trying on different sorts of

styles of personalities and interests. And you don't really know who you are either. So it's a bit of like a test, I suppose. But I have gone through like really desperate attempts to try keep people in my life or to try get a specific type of person to like me when actually I wasn't even paying attention to whether I liked that person. You know what I mean? I think I just liked the idea of them in my head. And I do think that people have

pursued me or gone out with me even because they liked the idea of me whereas if they actually got to know me they're like wait a minute I'm like okay you just wait until you get to know me a little bit more but I did have have this huge thing when I went through my really really bad breakup I was literally going through all the motions I thought that no one was ever going to like me again I thought that the more people get to know me the more likely they are to run away from me or abandon me or not like me I thought I was never going to experience that type of love again and

I thought that I had absolutely no idea who I was because I completely mirrored the type of person that he was. I was single and heartbroken and growing out a mullet. It was a disaster. Whereas now, obviously, in hindsight, I can look back at this. I have a child. I'm engaged. I'm really happy. And in such a safe, stable, loving relationship, I'm

where he my partner like Jason now knows me more than anybody in my life like knows every single bad side of me has seen me at my worst has seen me shit myself on a table and is still obsessed with me and now looking back I'm like that was crazy that I was gone

That reaction I had. Now looking back, I'm like, that was so nice that I was able to feel that pain. And also, it's not like I didn't get anything good from any of the relationships that I've been in. I mean, my first boyfriend now, that was absolutely like a diabolical, really bad person. Let's just say really, really bad person. Like I said, the town pervert. I mean, I did learn a lot from that. Who to avoid, par exemple. I really, I think that experience fundamentally changed my type forever.

Whereas because I never went out with or even was attracted to that type of person ever again, even though it was sort of like my type, I'm doing quotations. He was like my type. And then once I did it, I was like, oh God, no. So now every guy I've been has been like a little bit rough and ready, but also soft and very gentle. So it did help me in developing my taste for what you're supposed to look for in a partner. And then the second boyfriend was,

He taught me a lot how to be treated and loved. Very good guy. Third boyfriend taught me to be myself. And that breakup with Jason, it was very much like, I think the breakup with Jason taught me that there are good things that happen with loss, even though we did get back together in the end. But also it taught me that sometimes y'all do need to break up for them to learn. And I always say that I'm like a little, who cares about what other people think? That little breakup helped us

substantially. I just think it was really good for the two of us because sometimes people need to learn how to live on their own without being dependent on each other. It was a really difficult time for the two of us. We needed to get our heads together and we needed to get our priorities straight. And what we figured out was family above everything. Family, family, family. And also me and Jason never stopped loving each other. That was never an issue. It was like other things. So I do think that even getting back together with Jason helped me with

healing relationships and resentments that I held against even my parents or like other family members and I thought you know what none of that it's not worth it the fighting I'm not confrontational where I'm like let's hash things out I'm more like let's have a fight and not speak to each other for six months do you know what I mean I'm like let's just stop talking to each other because I can't I need to form my words and then I'm like actually let's get back let's get it back together sometimes the fighting is not worth it like I just want to be on a good buzz with everyone I want to be able to love everyone

even with their flaws and all because I'm a deeply flawed person as well we all are I have my issues I'm sure you're aware of them yourselves from listening to me but yeah okay sorry I'll read more contributions if I hadn't had heartbreak my entire life would have been different I would have lived as a girlfriend and not an equal I wouldn't have gone on to do the biggest things that ever had ever happened to me without realizing going through my first breakup change shaped and was fundamental to the life I have now I'm so glad it happened fuck knows where I would be

Losing my mum at 14 really taught me the value of platonic love and family that you can choose and still have such bonds with your friends. And having comfort of people who know you so well and feel like family when you don't have much family can be equally as crucial. Always a reminder to me of how important it is to build your community with not just a partner and family, but lots of streams of people and cherish these relationships because they aren't inclined to owe you anything, but they still show up regardless, out of choice, and that's so special.

Someone else said, I'm estranged from my parents due to domestic slash childhood abuse. The things I've gained in such a deep friendship with myself, nobody except me will ever truly understand the emotions that I went through during that time. It showed me the most important relationship in my life is myself. Girl, you should really listen to, what's it called again? Becomings? What's it called?

What's it called? Rememberings. Why do I keep thinking it's called Becomings? You should really listen to Rememberings by Sinead O'Connor. I think you will really like it. Okay, let's go on to the next one. That in order to become whole again, I had to walk away and find myself truly for the first time. Discovering my own dreams and passions allowed me to stop centering romantic relationships as my litmus test of worth. That was good. That's actually brilliant.

Brilliant note.

I love that. Last year, I decided to walk away from the group of friends I thought were my forever friends. The group of people I thought I was going to spend my life sharing. It was a terrible realization that the people I thought had my back were actually talking behind it and not including me in things for reasons I just didn't know. And if I even searched for those reasons, I don't think I'd get the answer I deserved at that time. I think that taught me

was that I can make the hardest decision in brackets to leave and that the hardest decisions are the ones that make you feel the most free at a time they were the people that made me love myself and who I was around them that changed and it was so difficult to detach but once I left I began to love myself without desiring the validation or other perspectives on me they might hate me or some part of me might hate them but I want to see them bloom and grow just not in my garden

I will say a friendship breakup, I said this before, is so much worse than a romantic breakup. Oh my God. I don't think I'm ever going to get over it. I don't think I'm going to get into it because people ask me being like, do you have any tips for a friendship breakup? And to be honest, no. I've just been like, I'm just going to pretend this isn't happening. And if anyone knows, you know.

Like, I feel like there are people out there who know every layer to this, but it is, it's really, really layered. No, I don't think I'll ever recover. So I'm hoping that if I just ignore it, it's going to go away and it will stop at some stage. Someone said, people are experiences and not possessions. I think it's so beautiful to love and learn from each other and all past lovers are etched into your soul. We are a mosaic of who we loved before and that should be celebrated rather than seeing it as a loss. Or maybe I'm just a typical Gemini Venus, obsessed.

I'm a Scorpio Venus talk about crazy I remember going through like a really bad break and be like well yeah I'm Scorpio Scorpio's and Venus or when I remember I had there's loads of stuff that I actually forget I just push out of my memory so I had my period blood in a little vial that Jason would carry it way around his neck

like what's wrong with me and I remember someone texting me being like that's because your Venus is in Scorpio I was like you actually talk about abdicating accountability my Scorpio is in Venus I don't have any issues whatsoever that's just it that's just who I am anyway friendship breakups slash separations sometimes it's okay for things to fizzle out forcing friendships when there isn't a connection there doesn't do anyone justice but

Girl, forcing friendships when there isn't a connection there just doesn't do anyone justice. Sometimes we aren't meant to rekindle with people just because we've known them for years. Feel like especially in Irish culture, we feel we owe people so much because we've known them so long and it's okay and this shit just happens. You don't need a set reason or justification. Sometimes people are meant to drift apart so you can let more love into your life. That's beautiful.

I was in a long-term relationship between the age of 19 to 24. We had a bad breakup. It honestly should have ended a lot sooner than it did. My ex did not get on with my sister's friends. Oh, my ex did not get on with my sister's friends, etc. Red flag. Ah, I know. I'm sorry. I don't think I could do that. It's because like if you're in a relationship with me, even all my friends are like friends with my sisters. Do you know, I don't think I could do that. I went out. No, actually, no. All of my exes got on with my sisters. But like maybe some were more shy than others.

But I think that's crazy. Like, how could you go out with somebody who's not, how could you go out with somebody who's not friends with you, who doesn't get on with your sisters? Anyway, for that long, for five years. Okay, it put a massive strain on my relationship with my sisters. We were very distant for years. I'm sorry. You are in the bin. If I feel myself growing distant with my sisters for a man, I'm sorry, in the bin. I would like live with my sisters over a male partner any day.

Sorry. The boot. Anyway. Okay. I look back at that time and it makes me so sad how bad of an influence I was as an older sister. The positive thing I got out of that breakup was my strong bond with my sisters now. It taught me a massive lesson that no one will ever be able to influence the relationship I have with my sisters. Our connection is stronger than ever now and I'm so thankful. There is no bond like a sister's love. So true. Now that's all of them. If anyone wants to leave their thoughts down below feel free to

I really enjoyed recording this episode and I hope you learned something, especially if anyone is going through a breakup right now. It is can be so difficult, especially when it's like after the three month period and people are treating you as if you should be over it. They're like, are you not kind of over this now? Like or people are asking when you're going to start dating new people. I remember when I kissed someone else and I started crying like into his mouth all night.

Oh my God. It does take a long time. I was even talking to my friend about this the other day and she was like, like we broke up years ago. I don't know why I'm still interested or not over it, but there's always going to be a part of you that's kind of interested in someone's life that used to be so present in yours and was such a big part of yours at one stage. Like I've never, maybe other people are better with dealing with this sort of thing than others. But I know for myself personally, I've

I am always interested in sort of what my exes are doing, past friends are doing. I want to know what happens. Like, even if I get a bit of gossip from my primary school, I'm like, oh my God, I'm so interested to know how their lives are going. You know what I mean? If I hear one of them is pregnant or like got married, I'm like, even though I haven't spoken to them in 10 years, maybe even longer than 10 years. Oh my God.

I'm 27. I'm always still interested in my ex's lives. I mean, who are we kidding? I'm not putting on a front. I'm not acting. I'm not trying to act cool about this. Do you know what I mean? I want to have a combo. I want to know who you're getting on. I'm so happy in my life, but I want to know the tea. Like, what's the tea? Hope you enjoyed this episode. Love you so much. Sorry, a few announcements. A few things to say before I end the podcast. I forgot to add this in. I have a podcast show next week.

So the first segment is going to be growing up with Alex Morgan and Sam Kelly. They're my two guests. So they'll be talking about their like teen hate. So sort of everything that I talk about on this podcast, like just little life anecdotes about breakups or embarrassing stories. The first time they were drinking or like did something bold. I want to know that sort of shit because I kind of miss doing podcast shows with people. It's so much better and more fun when you have other people involved because it feels more like of a musical sort of like, oh, my God, we're a family. We should do this again next year.

So I have those two on for the first segment of the show. Then the next segment, I have a sex educator. So she's going to be answering all your questions about like intimacy, relationships, you know, all those sorts of things that we don't know who to ask. Like say if you have a different libido to your partner, well, how many times a week is it normal to be having sex?

how to feel intimate in a relationship without actually doing the act of having sex. Because you know the way sometimes you can avoid kissing your partner if you're not in the mood because you think that it's always going to lead to sex. But that's not exactly true. You know, foreplay of how to feel confident in your body. She's a women's health advocate as well. Olivia, she's brilliant. She's called Sex Launch on Instagram. So you can ask me questions anonymously. I'm going to do a questions box over the week on my Instagram stories. And Ian, ask your questions there. And I'll be asking her, obviously,

all anonymous and she'll be answering the questions on stage during the show. So this is next Sunday, next Sunday the 13th of July in the Mill Theatre in Dundrum. It'll be so fun. I'm going to rent my dress from Droby this Saturday. It is pretty last minute. I was only asked to do it like a couple of weeks ago. So usually if I'm doing a podcast show I would give it a few months in advance so I'm sorry that it's so last minute. But this will also be my last podcast show for probably a few years. I never know how to announce these things. Uh...

So basically, I'm just going to leave this because I feel like people who listen to the end of things are like the OG, are actually the real motherfucking Gs. So I'm giving you this little bit of an insight into my life rather than the people who bounce off halfway through a podcast because I see you guys as well. But anyway, I'm actually emigrating in August. I wasn't going to say this because I was like, I don't know if it's, it was like sort of in the back of me and Jason's head for the last year, especially the closer we got to buying a house in Ireland, we were kind of like,

I don't know if we actually want to do this. So we've decided to emigrate. We're going in August. We have our accommodation booked. Jason sold his car. I'm giving away all my things. So I'm going through the process of like selling all my things and giving away loads of stuff. So I'm emigrating in August and...

B is going to be starting school and stuff so I'm not going to have as much time to like be flying back and forth and doing all the stuff and events and all that stuff that it afforded me the opportunity to do that now because she wasn't in she doesn't have a strict routine whereas now she does have a proper like Monday to Friday routine she's going to be in play school so

I won't have time to be flying back and forth and doing all those sorts of things that I am doing now, which is why it feels like I'm fitting in a lot of stuff. Like I have a book swap in Dublin on Tuesday. I have the podcast show then on the Sunday. At the end of July, I have another book swap in Cork and then I'll be moving in August. So I'm trying to fit in as much as possible. So this will probably be my last hurrah for a couple of years anyway.

Because I'm moving to a different country. But thanks so much for listening. And I'll still be continuing the podcast, obviously. And I'll be YouTubing away this whole experience. And I'll be launching my app in the next few months too. So it's all... It's very busy. I don't have time to be doing this, like events and all that stuff that I... I love doing those though because you actually get to meet people. Being self-employed gets kind of lonely when you're just at home all the time. But the next few months are going to be crazy. So...

I won't be able to do anything then after that. But thanks so much for listening. And thanks so much if you are coming to the podcast show. Thank you so much. I'll probably be getting, I probably will get a little bit of a moat, to be honest. And the last book swap as well. Will that be? No, I'll probably do one more book swap in August in Dublin. And then that will probably be the end of it. But yeah, thanks so much for following me on this journey. And I hope you enjoyed this episode.

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