MOTHERHOOD unfiltered: struggles with identity, PPD & wake windows
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I thought it was very fitting for me to record this while I look like this because I'm having one of those days where you're just sick of it. I just want to lie down for three days and for no one to ask me any questions whatsoever. No one ask me where something is. No one to tell me what their needs are. I just want to rot and be ignored for three days. But I know that if I take an hour to myself, I'll probably get over it and I'm gonna, yeah.

But anyway, this episode is about the realities of motherhood because obviously I know some of you might listen to my mother podcast where I'm interviewing other mothers talking about their experience but I haven't really gone into detail about my own experience or a little bit of an update since for a while. I have. I was very much open and honest about my experience and then some

something made me want to hide away a little bit more. It actually does change by the day your experience of parenthood and I know parents listening to this will know what I mean because one day you're like I'm the best parent in the world I know exactly what I'm doing and then by the end of the day they've skipped their nap or something and it's almost as if you have this demon that spawned out of nowhere and you're thinking I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing and I've gotten lots of contributions from parents mostly mothers I think the majority of them

our mothers and I got a good mix. Majority of them were saying the same thing, but I did get a good mix of like positive and not even, not really negative experience, but more honest experiences. But I'm gonna answer the questions that I asked in my story and I'll answer them myself. So the first question is, in what way did it surprise me? So I think for the toddlerhood, how much fun and laughter I've had in the toddler stage. I was anticipating something terrible happening

and it being really rough. Now, don't get me wrong. There were meltdowns. There were tantrums. I did have to chase her out of Super Value once when she ran into traffic. Sure. She does cry if we want to leave the playground. You know, stuff like that. But...

the usual crack. It's not like nothing too strenuous. But I felt like because I had such maybe a difficult time with the transition of the newborn phase and becoming a mother and going through a breakup and all of that, I think with the toddler phase, I was anticipating something really bad happening. But it was, dare I say, getting easier. And maybe it's because I just started to trust myself a little bit more. And also, I was talking about the parenthood experience

very candidly and honestly about with other parents around me and I do think that's the kind of support system it's not necessarily that you're looking for advice or that you're looking for someone to take your child away for a few hours so that you can have breathing room yeah that obviously helps but even to just have that space where you could talk about parenthood honestly share experiences with each other it did really help me in a way where I was feeling less isolated and alone and also I knew to trust my

intuition and my good instincts as a parent, because majority of the time other parents are having the exact same experience as you, but you feel like you're all alone. You're the only one who doesn't know what they're doing. You're the only one who's getting it all wrong. You're the only one who maybe you feel as if you don't even deserve to have your kids because you don't know what you're doing that much. That were, they were kind of the core messages or self negative self-talk that I was having, especially after I had postpartum depression. And

anyone who had postpartum depression or experienced it, those thoughts that you have

are so scary and frightening because it really goes to the depths of hell the thoughts that you have. The level of anxiety that you have for your child, the level of danger that you see all around you and also the amount of danger that you feel for yourself because you're thinking, oh my God, I need to stay awake now for the next three months so that I don't accidentally smother them. Do you know what I mean? Am I a good enough parent?

Would they be better off without me? You know, really terrible, frightening thoughts that you're having. And I know from my own experience, it's hard to describe what postpartum depression is like to someone else in your family or maybe your friendship group that haven't had friends or haven't had kids yet. But then even to seek help, there's such limited resources for that.

Even mental health in Ireland, but for postnatal mental health, there are really limited resources. And I know everyone working in that, not really industry, working in those services, they are trying their absolute best because they know how detrimental it is to parents to experience those things. But unfortunately, because there's not enough staff to help with those services, their initial reaction is to prescribe you with antidepressants or antipsychotics or whatever it is.

I got prescribed sertraline literally just from one phone call after describing my symptoms of postpartum depression. I think most people's experience would be similar to mine in Ireland.

But anyway, but what did surprise me is because when I was going through all of that, I was thinking, oh, Jesus, I don't know if I'm equipped for this or adequate enough to continue my experience of parenthood. I don't know if I'm able for this sort of thing. But then after I got what actually helped me with the postpartum depression, like it's all of the things that annoyingly therapists will tell you. And I have done a fair share of talk therapy when I but when I was experiencing postnatal depression, all I wanted to do was talk to someone and I felt so isolated and I felt like

really lonely in that experience because I didn't know who I could speak to, especially about the dark thoughts that you're having. And because you're so anxious, you think that your baby's going to get taken away from you if you express those feelings or thoughts to anyone. Or you'll think that you're going to be like locked away in an institution if you start speaking out loud to your friends and family members about what you're actually thinking. But I do think all I needed was to talk to someone. So the things that I did and

because it's the postpartum depression is different to normal I have experienced normal depression before before I had a daughter so it was probably a high likelihood I was going to get it anyway but

But what the difference is, is that with the postpartum depression, I wanted to do every single thing in my power to be happier and to be better and not to be happier, but to get over it. Not get over it is the wrong word as well, but to be able to get through it and continue on to be the best parent possible. Whereas with normal depression, I was kind of scoffed

kind of leaning into it because I knew it would eventually be over but I wasn't putting there's less motivation to like be over and done with it quicker so with the postpartum depression I was putting in the groundwork basically

And as hard as it was, it's like you have this person that you have to look after, that you have to show up for. So it was a very different experience. Obviously, every single morning that I woke up, it was fear, still lack of sleep. So I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was rot in bed. And some days I did have those days. Some days I still do, where I put the telly on all day and lie down next to her just because I actually can't cope, won't cope. And that's something that

Number one, felt guilty for, because I was like, she's not getting the best experience possible as a child growing up in the world or experiencing the world. Number two, I was so scared of getting shamed by other parents for doing this or even admitting this. But it did actually help me if you're getting really burnt out. Now, obviously, those days are less and less and far and few between. Like I'll do it when I have the flu or whatever. But when I had postpartum depression, it was probably once a week where I just want to lie down

and put the telly on a rot away. Now I have a lot of support from my family because as she got older and when I stopped breastfeeding, there was less pressure for me to be the 100% caregiver. So now it's fantastic because I have

the breathing room to work and to do things for myself. Like there's always someone there that not only is willing to take her but wants to take her for those hours is also very respectful to me in knowing that they're not like doing it, you know, rolling their eyes up being like, oh, taking her again. They're kind of like, enjoy yourself, you know, relax. And this is relevant now because I'm having one of those days. Now she's at her Nana's house because I need to record it and edit a podcast anyway.

When she's at her Nana's house, all I wanted to do was lie down. And I knew I'd feel guilty if I was just putting the telly on all day so that I could just... So that I could relax. But most of the time, it is such a good motivator to get out. But when I had postpartum depression, another few of the coping mechanisms that I had was they only really start getting a routine maybe after three months when they realize the difference between night and day. And like wake windows and all of that. But up until three months, she didn't know...

her arms from her elbow like she didn't know if it was night or day she was just kind of you know newborns are just kind of frolicking about you know hanging off you but that and that's fine so I was prepared for that but then when it was time to get into a routine and what I've always struggled with even with myself because I've been self-employed for a long time I don't have a good routine even with myself so to try make this routine for her a solid substantial routine following her wake windows and people who don't kids it's like you sound like a nutcase talking about these wake windows and like

how strict it is but it does make such a significant impact on your parenting experience if you follow the wake windows and I was kind of like oh that's a bit that's all bullshit I'm going to be child led and all that stuff but if they're showing signs of tiredness you can't just let them fall asleep like it's a whole rigmarole to try get them to sleep and I didn't that's one of the things that I didn't expect with parenthood

especially after I stopped breastfeeding because usually I just breastfeed her to sleep but after I stopped breastfeeding it was such a hard transition where I didn't know how to put her to sleep then without breastfeeding her I was like this is a whole new learning experience I have no idea what I'm doing whereas Jason already had that routine because obviously he can't breastfeed he'd already built up the skills and how to get her to sleep so now how it works is with our routine at home

He just puts her to bed like he does night time. He's always on night time. But then when he's away for the night or like he's at football and I'm left to try to put her to sleep, I'm still like having those moments where I'm going, oh God, you know, it's a bit trepidation thinking about the night time routine. Going, I don't know if I can do this. But I have gotten into my own swing of it. I actually, I just have to lie down in bed with her.

lovely lazy girl bedtime routine lazy mom bedtime routine getting the solid substantial routine with her and it also tremendously helped with my own mental health because a lot of it was say for example we'd wake up in the morning we'd have our breakfast

we'd get ready for the day straight outside big long walk so in my dad's estate where I was living there was a playground there was like these like play kitchens and playhouses now at that stage I don't know if she could walk yet so it was kind of just in the swing walking around a little bit just while she's in the buggy getting some fresh air then we go back home have a snack after the snack then we do a food shop and I was never doing one one big food shop a week because it was like

an activity to go to the food shop and I would always be talking out loud to her so I do think this is why she has such good communication because obviously I'm a yapper but when I was out with her I'd be speaking out loud to her as if like she was a sentient being well I suppose she was but like I was talking to her as if she could reply to me and I still do that now with her which also I think made me go a bit loopy as well because I was I didn't know how to socialize normally for a while I had to like practice again because I'd be like yeah and this

And this is an orange, you know, but we walking down, I'd be saying like, look at the green grass, explaining the weather, explaining like if I saw a squirrel or a cat or a dog, you know, every single thing. And then in the shop, I was like, these are blueberries. They're blue. They're healthy for you. You can put them in pancakes or yogurt or part, you know, stuff like that, walking around the food shop. And then when she was able to walk and kind of communicate a little bit more, she'd be out of the boogie. And it would take a long time in the,

with the food job yeah of course it would take a bit slower but I was never really in a rush to get anywhere to be able to slow down and spend that time with her and be completely 100% present and I think now I do struggle with that now is I'm not as present as I was during that phase just because I have to work a little bit more obviously I kind of took

a little bit, like I was only doing the bare minimum of work, you know, and because I was co-parenting, I had the weekend to do that. So when I was with her, I was able to be 100% present, but was walking around the shop with her, explaining all the food and the colors and the prices, the nutritional benefits of things, and just like talking and talking and talking to her. Then after the food shop, we'd go home, we'd do a bit of playing. So we'd do big puzzles. I'd do her flashcards, we'd do reading. And then after that, we'd bring

we'd have our lunch and then after lunch we'd go on our big long walk. So I'd walk along the seafront and sometimes I would run that after I felt a bit stronger I would do a run and I'd bring the dog with us. So we'd do the big long walk and then by the time we got back it was usually time to make dinner because I would

would actually put in the effort to make dinner this was usually the hardest because she was getting very you'll know parents will know this I don't know if this is actually I don't know if this is common but when she was 10 months she just wanted to be held all the time now keep to

To be honest, I got absolutely jacked. Like I was ripped. My biceps were the biggest I've ever been because I've never been into like that rigorous exercise. I was only kind of like a leisurely walk at a yoga girl. But then after she got so... I realized how weak I was when she wanted me to hold her all the time. I was like, this is crazy because my arms are about to fall off. But then from that, I got much stronger. And then going on runs and stuff, I got much stronger. But when I was making dinner, this was probably the most difficult because...

She was getting a bit crankier closer to bedtime. I was really burnt out from like speaking to her all the day and kind of, it's kind of like a performance where you are teaching them and you have to be on your best behavior and you're taking on every, you know, every cry and whinging and giving out slight tantrums, like,

kind of starting then at that phase you're at that stage of the day you're both really overstimulated and also I had had no other adults to talk to so even though my mental health was improving it was the loneliest I'd ever been because I was so separated from all my friends and family out where my dad lived I wasn't talking to Jason I had no really other adults um

to talk to. And once my dad and stepmom got home, I felt uncomfortable being in like the shared living spaces. So I would kind of hide up in my room. At that stage, the day was so hard. And I also did struggle with getting her to sleep when I stopped breastfeeding. But once I did, then I was making a conscious effort to not be on my phone. I'd leave my phone downstairs and then go up to a different room and read.

and I had the baby monitor on and she'd usually sleep through the night because we were bed sharing anyway. And the only reason she wakes up is like for a hug. So she was sleeping well at that stage. And then in the morning I would do it all over again. Now I did this for about six or seven months. I was doing this exact routine. Then at the weekends I was making videos or whatever I had to do, doing content and then getting to see my sisters or my friends. After a while, I really started to see the benefits of having that solid routine.

putting in the groundwork for like really good mental wellbeing, getting exercise, getting fresh air, reading every day, not doom scrolling on my phone, being present with my daughter. It really did have so many benefits for me and something that I'm actively trying to do now, but I do find it difficult, you know, accessibility wise, I have to work a lot more at the moment because I just have more responsibility trying to earn more to get a house and

so many more pressures because paying rent and all that's added pressure. Not living near a big park or a walkable park or walkable to the sea. So it is quite different accessibility wise. But I will say even without all those things

the access to those things. I'm finding toddlerhood so much more fun, less lonely. There's so much laughter because she's so funny. Now, the only thing is with the introduction of tantrums, I will say I've been quite lucky. She hasn't had too many huge meltdowns. A thing that dude really helped me was listening to the... I listened to it as an audiobook just...

It's called no drama discipline. Now, sometimes it's like they over-explain things, but I do think it actually is helpful that they give so many anecdotes and different scenarios for each situation so that you know how to approach it. And there's loads of different examples. I did have to try out a few different methods for the tantrums that she has. Ones that she's more receptive to and ones that feel the most natural to me to do as a parent. But it did really help with the tantrums because then I found when I was using an approach that...

she was receptive to and felt natural to me, her tantrums became less and less. And to that point, then I was able to actually prevent them. And then even when they were about to start, you know, when you can feel the like tension switching where it's like very volatile, very volatile energy between you. I knew when to kind of nip them in the bud and make sure that they weren't going to blow up. When I was doing all of this, I'm only speaking from the perspective of me as a mother.

So I felt very accomplished in terms of getting the routine, my approach to parenthood. I was basically devoting myself to being a good mother during this period for the first 18 months. But what I lost was identity. The relationship and my friendships had completely changed or were falling away and I hadn't even noticed. Obviously, the end of my relationship, I literally could not focus on any other relationship other than the one that I had with my daughter, which is fantastic. And I also do think she has

we both reaped the reward to that where she's like very well equipped and has really good emotional regulation. She's very like well good at communicating. Her attachment is very good. I would say I can see the benefits that she's received from the work that I put in. But then once she got a little bit more independence, I found that I didn't have much to say. My brain had also kind of

slowed down or because I was only working on my brain to one sort of capacity in terms of like trying to be a good parent and like educate her in a way. If I wanted to talk about adult things, I didn't really have an opinion anymore. I was looking to other people to have that opinion for me. I didn't know how to dress. I didn't know what my favorite song was. You know, loads of things where a lot of ways in which I would

define my identity or attach to my identity, I'd lost along the way. During that period when I was looking after, like putting my all into my parenting experience,

I was obviously I was just wearing like athleisure wear and I know that's kind of it's kind of a meme where moms are like wearing leggings and fleeces but it literally was like the only thing I wanted to wear and I'm still like on that buzz now where I have all these clothes rotting away in my wardrobe and I don't have it's like I don't have the confidence to wear them they don't feel like me I feel uncomfortable I don't know how to dress myself that was the main thing the first noticeable difference

But then when I found like if Jason came home from work, even when we got back together, it was like I didn't know how to make conversation in a normal way. I didn't know how to be like, how was your day or whatever or engage in normal conversation. Now, I've definitely built up that back up those skills from socializing more and having time away from the family unit and building up those other layers of my personality.

personhood where I'm not only a mother I'm also Keelan I'm also like a friend I'm also a sister I'm also a daughter do you know all those things but I'd lost that in my mothering which I do probably think is a very normal experience and I'm not like begrudging it in any way it's just the fact of what happened but

And now I'm kind of getting back into the swing of it. But then now, even when you get a little bit more confidence in yourself and like you get a bit more of your identity back, then all of a sudden it's like you're getting the broody. You're going, maybe I could have another baby now.

I don't know why we put ourselves through that. We're like, I think it's actually time to get pregnant again. I think it's time to put another bun in the oven, guys, so we can go through it all over again. But overall, because when I was... Like, you know when you're in the midst of... Just, you're in the midst of labour. And I haven't forgotten the pain. I know that...

they said that the chemicals are released. But I think because I got an epidural, it disrupted some of the natural chemical releases in my brain where you're supposed to forget about the trauma of birth. But I have not forgotten, guys. You know when you're in the middle of labor and you're thinking, I don't know how I'm going to do this. You know when it's like the contractions are so bad. I think I was about, before I got, I think I was about six centimeters dilated when I got the epidural. So I kind of remember the pain up until then, if you know what I mean. And I think at six or seven years,

you are feeling, obviously it gets, I can imagine it gets more painful after that. But I did what felt like to me the height of the pain where I was almost like passing out from the pain. And I was thinking, I don't know how I'm going to go through with this. Like this, I haven't even felt the ring of fire yet. You know, when you like the heads coming out or like the shoulders or whatever. I was like, I don't know how I'm going to go through with this. And it's that,

fear that apparently makes you makes the whole experience more painful anyway overall and then with my stitches getting infected the postpartum depression all of that I think now I've gotten so resilient and my mental well-being is so much stronger I feel physically so much stronger obviously from focusing a lot more on exercise and wanting the strength to be able to like lift my baby and like and lift shopping at the same time and do all these other things I feel

so much stronger than I ever have before. And I don't think I would have ever reached this level of emotional resilience, actual physical resilience, strength if I hadn't had a child. Yeah, another thing that just surprised me was how heightened all of my emotions have been. And I always thought that before, but maybe everyone thinks this when you're like, I feel feelings

so much deeper than everyone else like when I'm sad I'm sad when I'm happy I'm fucking manic happy when I'm you know what I mean when I'm anxious I'm like want to tear my hair out you know that kind of way where I I felt as if every motion that I was feeling was really intense and more intense than the average person but that was probably just a bit of like self-absorption and not really that other people have similar experiences to you you know after I had her and it's obviously a hormonal change and probably a survival instinct when you feel anxiety or anxious it's

It's so bad. It's so, so bad. But then again, back to the resilience thing where it's like, I can do this and I can, it's actually not that big of a deal. Because when you're having these intense feelings, before I had her, I'd be like, how am I going to survive? Whereas now it's like, I know I'm going to survive and I know I'm going to get through this. Like it's absolutely grand. And I also know the coping strategies to help me through it. So it has helped me tremendously after I had my daughter in terms of coping with things and

and seeing things from a different perspective. And actually with, you know, your brain is wired in a completely different way. So it's like my problem solving has really improved so that I can be the, because obviously my survival, my problem instinct is like, I need to be the best parent for her. I don't want to harm her in any way. So I need to try figure out how I can do this without turning into a

a toxic bitch you know every emotion is heightened but I also have the knowing that I can go through it the largest challenge for me and it actually has nothing to do with the actual parenting the guilt I knew this after I was co-parenting and the difference it made when I could get and I know this sounds terrible when I could get those two days a week when I had Saturday and Sunday I

baby free but what was different about this was I didn't have the guilt because I knew that she had to spend time with her dad I knew that she wanted to spend time with her dad and it was like designated time that we had to do apart it was it's very different to if you're in a relationship and you're going away every weekend obviously the difference of that is the guilt and this probably the shaming you'd get so because I wasn't experiencing guilt or shame which is very different to

my situation now because me and Jason re-engaged, re-engaged, happy as ever, like beautiful family unit. When I had those two days every weekend, it was designated time, me time,

It was designated working time without feeling guilt, without like a toddler hanging out. You know, that sort of thing. Designated time that you could have with your friends. I wasn't having that guilt, which made such a difference in then my parenting experience when I got her back on Monday because I was missing her so much anyway. I was missing her so much. I'd had that time for myself. I'd had like...

time away where I could not I didn't have to be a parent because when you're broken up like Jason wasn't asking me for help obviously because we were co-parenting I was sleeping on my own I was not thinking about the meals to make for the next day you know all of that sort of thing the responsibility attached to being a parent it really did help me deal with the postpartum depression and also just build up the strength that I that I have today and be a better parent for her does make you such a better parent even though you're going to get the guilt or you might get shamed for it it

does make people better parents. I know that there's a lot of mom shaming surrounding that and this is what the worst thing is because even if you know something is good for you and your family, you're always going to be scared of the scrutiny or the shame that you might get for the surrounding

people in your life but I found what is surprising to me actually another thing I haven't got that now I probably have gotten mom shaming like behind my back but that's like grand because people because the only thing I can think of is those people who are shaming other mothers like parents who are shaming other mothers imagine how hard they are on themselves and how hard they are even on their children if they're being judgmental and just

speaking about other people that they don't know, I can only imagine how difficult it is, their experience as a parent is, do you know? But another thing that did surprise me actually is the support from, not like governmental support or anything like that, but actually support from the mothers around me. How many mothers after I gave birth or like when I was pregnant, how many mothers reached out to me? How many mothers I made friends with through the internet? How many people that were willing to help and like in a non-judgmental kind way

loving way and they wanted to support each other and be there for each other. It was just the best experience ever. And the friends I've made since becoming a parent have been so fantastic and so life changing where I never would have probably met these people otherwise, you know, and we're going through similar experiences. It's just been fantastic. And probably my favorite part about becoming a mother, becoming a parent is everything

meeting the women that I have and how lovely and supportive and nurturing they are. Another thing that has shifted

which I never thought I'd have before that and maybe something that I do miss about myself a little bit more but I used to be now I thought I was but maybe I wasn't because you know sometimes your idea of yourself is a bit distorted but I would have felt that I was really creative and in touch with myself creatively which is why I started reading The Artist's Way in the morning because I really felt like after I became a parent that I lost that and maybe it was because the shift

or they're refocusing so much on productivity and making enough money for stability, which is not something, obviously, if you don't have the responsibility of children, it's not really... Now, some people have this ingrained in them anyway, but like just to my nature, my default has never been like, I need to be stable and safe, you know, or like financially secure. I was just kind of like, I'm going to do random things here and there. You know, if I'm paying my rent, that's the most important thing and that's all I have to do. Whereas now it's like,

really focus on my finances, making enough money, making sure I'm saving enough money, making sure that I'm stable and secure for the future, looking at the longevity of my career and making sure that I have enough to have a house, making sure that I have assets, getting my will in order. You know, all of this sort of stuff that is really doesn't feel like me. It really feels like someone else or I was maybe conflating stability and

security with monotony and also boringness before I had a daughter. So now that I'm actually actively acting, I'm actively...

leaning into those sort of things really doesn't feel like I'm being myself even though I kind of have to do that for survival like you do need stability when you have children and obviously I want to give her the best experience possible like I want to be able to be able to afford her to send her to Irish college or like if she wants to do ballet lessons you know that sort of thing so they're all the things I'm thinking about I'm trying to give her the best life possible so it is really stressful to

trying to get to that place for her, which I am doing, which does feel, I do have a level of accomplishment because I am achieving those things. But it also feels like I'm even losing myself a little bit by doing it. But I haven't felt as creative or like in touch with my creative side as much as I did before I had a daughter. And I know the book

motherhood by Sheila Hetty really is a really good depiction of that now she's not a mother but she's talking about like could you equate the fulfillment you feel from

your art with the fulfillment that you have when you have a child. Having a child does feel fulfilling. It does make you feel like you have purpose. But can you find that purpose and fulfillment in other things as well? Because I do think women particularly are sold this idea that it will solve all your problems if you have a nuclear family. If you create a family for yourself, that's what we're meant to do. When obviously we have...

In 2025, we have progressed as a society enough where we don't have to go down one specific avenue or one specific path. We have so many paths available to us where we can feel a purpose and fulfillment through other things, not just parenthood. But if you want to choose parenthood, that's okay as well. It's not like one or the other is right or wrong. It's like we all have the...

the ability to choose for ourselves what we think is right for us, which is why I don't like the shaming people for being childless. And I also don't like the childless community shaming people for having children because I have found great happiness, great fulfillment, great purpose from having children, having a child. But I also have found purpose and fulfillment through other things. That doesn't mean that it was like right or wrong or that I should have chosen one path. So I do think there's a lot of like fighting at each other to try prove

something but I also think that there's space for both like we don't have to pick one or the other I'll always be honest about my experience because I know that my experience wouldn't suit a lot of people and that's why I think I think we need to have open and honest and non-judgmental conversations about people's choices and whether they want to have children or not and about the realities and to not shame people into thinking like oh I always see comments about our parents they're always just giving out whereas like we can't be selling this

fake facade of parenthood. Like it is very difficult because you're doing a really tremendous, huge thing. Like you're raising another person. Obviously that's going to be difficult, but it's not as if like we want to give up or throw it all out the window just because it's hard. Like most things that have good rewards or like a huge reward benefit at the end are going to be difficult. Like getting a degree, getting your master's, getting a PhD. You know, if you wanted to build a house, obviously that's going to be difficult, but you'll have a house at the end of it. It's the same with raising children. Like

It's going to be difficult, but you have to do layers brick by brick. You might make mistakes. Oh my God, I'm using a house analogy for raising kids. But you know, you learn along the way. You ask people for support and for help. Obviously, the more support you have, the easier and the better and the quicker it's going to be. But if you don't, you can still do it. Like you're still able to do that. Oh my God, that actually is a good analogy, building a house and raising kids. But yeah, and then another thing on top of that

I haven't even read anyone's contributions. This has all been about me, me, me. Another thing that did surprise me because me and Jason's relationship was so solid. We were obsessed with each other. It was really good when we were pregnant. And then there were so many resentments after when I started breastfeeding. Just because...

they actually can't do anything like here all your baby wants is you and I thought like I remember when I had to time her feeds because I wanted to go to the dentist like it was crazy I was so stressed about going to the dentist because that was going to be the longest time that I'd spent away from my baby but I had a cavity and I needed to go to the dentist and I was scared about if I was going to be able to breastfeed her and get my face numbed at the same time whereas like if you're

exclusively breastfeeding you actually cannot get the support that you need because all your baby wants is you it was crazy and I think now see if I had another child I'd be totally mentally prepared for that and also because even the

the prenatal courses that I was doing online with the breastfeeding it was very much about like latching feeding every two hours cluster feeding yeah but I didn't realise how constant the cluster feeding would be for the first three months I wish I had just leaned into that and surrendered to the time that you needed to give like I should have actually I always make a joke where I'm like doing the

the lying down challenge because I absolutely love lying down and I'm I'm actually sick of pretending that I'm not a lazy girl because I am I love lying down now don't get don't get me wrong love adventures love being active going for walks doing things with my daughter but I also love a bit of lying down and if I had just allowed myself those three months and I was like I will be active again my body will feel better again my hair will grow back again I'll feel

strength again, I will get sleep again. If I just was, could go back and tell myself that, give myself a hug and just be like, allow yourself to just lie down, read and breastfeed, have microwavable meals ready to go, you know, order myself Deliveroo and just lie down. Like I remember before the public health nurse came over and I didn't know at the time, but I had infected stitches and I had ashing over it.

my best friend and I was holding Bea, breastfeeding her at the same time because you know you get real stealthy. You get real creative with the ways that you can breastfeed and do things at the same time. You get very good at one hand if you know what I mean. But before the public health nurse came over and I remember Bronte was saying this she was like oh yeah I literally thought the public health nurse was going to take my baby away for having a messy house like fully even though like obviously they're going to be used to that but because I was like I was like I have a cat she's going to take my baby away because I have a cat.

I was standing up breastfeeding Bea and like trying to tidy things up and clean the house, even though it kind of already was clean. I was like putting away laundry, you know what I'm saying? And there was loads of visitors coming to the apartment. I was just like getting real stressed out that the place wasn't spick and span. Whereas I wish I just allowed myself to rest and lie down and beckon just breastfeed and eat as much as I want. You know, and that's why I think the second time around, I'd be way more equipped. But enough about me. Let's hear what some of you had to say. Also, just to add before I say this,

I listen and I don't judge. If you want to vent about your kids, if they're driving you demented, if you want to vent about your husband, if you want to vent about your wife...

As long as it's not in a malicious way, usually it's not. You just need to let it out of your system. I'm always here to listen and I'm never going to judge. If anything, I'm going to encourage it. Get it out of your system. Sometimes your kids do drive you mad. Sometimes your husband drives you mad. Sometimes your wife drives you mad or whoever it is. Whoever you're going to be in close proximity to for your whole life every day, obviously at some point is going to drive you mad and you just need to let it out. It's not that you're being mean or sometimes you have to

Talk about it. It doesn't mean you hate them either. Of course you still love them. You're never, and also, you never have to disclaim. If you're going to talk about one of the challenges of parenthood, of motherhood, of fatherhood, I want people to know you never have to disclaim, especially to me, you don't have to leave a disclaimer that you love your kids so much and that the best things ever happened to you. I already know that's a fact and that's the pre,

precursor of you explaining what the challenges are. That doesn't mean that if you start talking about the challenges, it doesn't mean that the other doesn't exist. Anyway, I love being a mother, but no one tells you how hard it is to lose your every sense of yourself. It's like you grieve the person you were and the life you had before motherhood and then have to try and navigate this new life that you've landed in. I found this very tough.

Like I was saying, when I devoted my time to speaking like a toddler,

I would literally turned into the Irish Miss Rachel in real life, but constant and I couldn't break character. I was like, I was method acting every day and I couldn't break character. I was stuck in there. Imagine that's actually purgatory for me. If you're stuck talking like Miss Rachel for the rest of your life. And then I forgot what I talked like. I forgot how it was to socialize with people. Do you know that kind of way? Someone said, I have a five-year-old boy and a seven-month-old baby girl.

I had my boy at 19. I didn't actually find being a young mum hard as such. I didn't really go out much anyway. Can be overstimulating, of course. But one thing I really struggle with now is how deeply I feel emotions. I literally lie in bed and will sob if I see anything upsetting on the news slash internet that involves children because I have my own I'm so tuned in where as before I was blissfully unaware of the world and its fucked up problems.

Wish I could rescue each and every single child out there that needs help. Also wish the government would do more to help children. I can't believe it's 2025 and we haven't gotten a hold of it. Someone said, biggest surprise was the feeling of mourning my old life. Wish I did more with my time pre-child. In the first two weeks, me and my partner didn't understand how other parents hadn't complained more about how difficult it is. Obviously love my child, but I really underestimated how difficult daily things would be, like having time to do dishes, etc.,

Someone else said, I have a three and a half year old and an 18 month old.

18 month, 18 month old. My life has flipped upside down. I was already in the midst of an identity crisis and motherhood added an extra layer to this. I always thought I wanted to be a mother. I also loved being independent and following my multifaceted curiosities and passions as an artist. I feel like it's taboo to talk about, talk about the difficulties of motherhood. Hence, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Every time I utter how genuinely I

I feel some days. I always feel the need to also throw it out there that I adore my children. It's been hard AF. And when they say there is not, there is really not a right time to have children, I don't believe that's true. Someone else said, being the only one out of your friends to have a baby can be really lonely and isolating. None of your friends truly understand what's going on and can often breeze past when you're trying to tell them something is difficult. They just don't get it. I love being a mom, but found it hard to connect with my friends afterwards.

Someone said...

It's a lot harder than I thought. I feel like women hide that from each other. Way more is expected of the mum than the dad. Even if he's had a good relationship before, it just naturally falls that way, unfortunately. I feel I've had to give up a lot more than him. And if I go to work and leave the two of them, I feel guilty. Totally underestimated how much more responsibility I would have constantly.

compared to him. And now someone, this is a great perspective. I would give anything to go back to the young days. I had my son at 19 and I just worked and worked to keep things going. I'm 45 now. I'd love to go back and enjoy him more. They were really the best days. Someone said, I would say motherhood has far exceeded my expectations in every way, highs and lows. Never realized I could love a human as much as I do and wouldn't change a single thing. However, I have definitely struggled with as cliche as it is,

as it sounds, not finding time for myself. Also being a toddler mom and working full time in a constant state of overwhelm slash overstimulation. Nobody talks about how hard toddlerhood can be at times. I would say, especially when they're dropping their nap. I was not prepared for this transition. It's like, so they'll either fall asleep. Well, anyway, B is like this.

sometimes she'll have a nap at 12 and that's like absolutely perfect that was like like I remember the days when she was having two naps a day and I'm thinking back to that going I had so much time and in fairness back then I was reading so many books I was doing so many things I was baking bread while she was asleep like I was doing so much during those naps going on big long walks you know yourself but anyway now she's got to this point where I'm having a lot of fun with her where we can actually do things when they're a baby you can't

do as much like I'm bringing her to Explorium we're going to Messy Fun we can go swimming together there's a lot more that we can do and it's a bit more interactive because she can actually have the chats with me like she has opinions on stuff like she says that's my favourite movie that's my favourite colour like I'm on a buzz keep it going I want to know more now she's

so she's I would prefer if she just stopped with the nap completely I don't care about having that hour like 45 minutes to an hour to myself I just want her to be a sane person after 5 o'clock because it's either she's going to fall asleep at like 4pm in the car ride home then she's going to be up till 11 or she's going to fall asleep at half 6 and then wake up at midnight and be up till 3am or she's not going to have a nap at all that day but after 5pm she's going to be like the antichrist

screaming about everything, crying all the time. Nothing's the right thing. She won't eat anything. You know, it's really difficult to manage. That's the only thing I found the hardest part of toddlerhood is the nap. Because it's like she needs a nap, yeah, but she needs to have it before one o'clock. But most of the time she's on such a buzz, she doesn't want to. And I've tried everything we've tried. Like she's been up at 6 a.m.,

And we've tried that the whole shevang. The only time she ever naps like before 1pm in the day is if she's been up all night, you know? Anyway, moving on. It's nothing like I thought it would be. So much harder and all-consuming, but also the best thing ever. I was most surprised that it's 24-7. Stupid, I know, but like I can't just leave a room to go for a wee without making sure they are okay and safe first.

I'm literally never alone I never thought about the logistics and intensity of it all before I became a mum one of my things actually one of my oh I'm so glad all the mams have entered I

I love having the communities of moms to talk to because you know exactly what I'm talking about. Phantom crying when you're in the shower, first of all, and having nightmares then that you've left your baby at home. I was having these like consistently all the time. I probably still do have these nightmares where I'm falling asleep and I'm like, I've left her at home and I'm out in the car or I'm in the car or I've left her at the shopping, at the supermarket or something and I've left her behind. And then I wake up and I'm like...

Since becoming a mother, I feel like that's all I am. I completely lost my sense of identity. For example, I feel like I don't even know what foods are like, but I could tell you what my son ate by the color of his shit and how to style myself. But again, my son is always dressed accordingly. Oh my God, I never thought about that.

Bea's outfits always slay I always get compliments on her outfits her outfits are always really good but I am in fairness I'm dressing her like a child but I just cannot dress myself for the life of me like sometimes I'm like well I just wear a suit today even though I'm going to be at home lying down the whole day do you know that kind of way I'm like I don't know what to do with myself

And I always feel like I'm either look like mutton dressed as lamb. My mom always says that mutton dressed as lamb, you know, where it's like, I feel like I'm dressing like a teenager, even though I'm a middle-aged woman or I'm dressing like I'm a granny and there's no in between. Like, I don't know how to actually dress first. How does a 20, 27 year old dress anyway? What's age appropriate? Like I watched American Psycho last night and he's 27. I didn't know that. I like, I,

I don't know why I didn't... Like, I'm 27. Am I supposed to dress like that? Am I supposed to wear, like, shoulder pads? Obviously, it's, like, from the 80s or it's based in the 80s, is it? And my mind completely blanks when I try to think of how I passed the time before my son. Also, the phantom cries were something nobody warned me about. Sorry, I literally just said that. I always think that as well because I barely didn't... Like, in the grand scheme of things, before I had my daughter, I didn't achieve anything major. Whereas after my daughter was when really things started...

kick like taking off for me in terms of like I was doing so much more than I ever have before organizing groups together went on a girls trip like I made the conscious effort to actually experience life to the fullest extent because

maybe because she just gave me that sort of motivation to want to live life in the best way possible and I never experienced any of those things before I had her like I never went on a six-year holiday I was such a homebird I was never really doing much well I suppose like maybe I tried but I was never really succeeding at doing the things that I set out to but I've had this new lease of like motivation now that I've had my daughter to like experience life to the fullest

And have the best fun possible that I can with her. And I love doing the like child friendly activities and everything. Like it really... I actually do really enjoy it. And I thought that that would be...

it would be boring or something because I always hear my parents being like oh your day once they start these you know like dance or stage school or sports the weekend like you won't have any your weekends will be completely gone but I actually love doing that stuff I don't know maybe I'll get sick of it it's like when you you know when you get your license for the first time and you love driving and you're like you'll give people a lift anywhere because you just got your license and it's really exciting but then after a while you get sick of it

I don't know. I just haven't lost the momentum or the want to do all these fun things with her. I just think it's really fun. I actually love doing it. I feel like I knew what it entailed, but I only understood the demand emotionally and mentally after my son arrived and as he grew. The mental load of bottles, fees, sterilizing laundry, cooking, sleep schedules, finding me time, finding couple time, work-life balance was definitely a huge undertaking to come to terms with. And only now, two years on, I feel more at ease with it.

In all honesty, I'm kind of dreading that part of going again in a year or two. I do feel like by your second child, though...

Not from experience, but what I've observed from friends or like people online is that you do kind of find your groove with your second or third child because you know what the routines are, you know what works and you trust yourself a lot more. So I do feel like that experience. Now, obviously, it's a lot more to juggle if your children are close in age and that sort of thing. And if you haven't experienced the full spectrum of parenthood, but like once your kids are you feel like you've experienced it all and like gone through it already with the first child.

I feel like it would be easier. Correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe the parents of two kids now are going to watch this and be like, no, don't do it. But I feel like with the second, I would be much more prepared, especially because my daughter now is two, two and a half.

So I feel like even if I was going to try having kids by the time she's three, I'd be well equipped. Like she'd be in Montessori and all. I don't know. First time mom to an almost two year old gorgeous boy. He was planned and honestly, I had the best pregnancy ever. Same, I love pregnancy. I worked full time also, got my degree on a full time course and thought this was

This has been such a breeze having a newborn won't be difficult. Boy, was I wrong. I was determined to breastfeed and after a really traumatic birth, I was going to give up even with zero support from loved ones around me or medical professionals. Then all of them constantly trying to push formula. My mental health was on the floor, but not from the baby, from those who were supposed to be supporting me.

Then you're met with friends who don't have children who suddenly ghost you once you have the baby and then add in the pressure of going back to work as a breastfeeding mum at six months. It's impossible. Thankfully, at this point, I've seen who's who and don't let it bother me. It's such a shame because the only ones missing out is them because he's honestly the best thing to ever happen to us. My baby. Oh, my God. Congratulations. My baby is 10 days old. Oh, my God.

Oh my god! I can still remember when my baby was only days old. Aww, she was so small! My baby is 10 days old and I didn't expect the postpartum anxiety to be this intense. My hands are all burnt from washing them so much in hot water. Oh my god, look after yourself! Now, I do remember the emotions around that phase.

I was so angry and upset, like it was really heightened emotions, crying from happiness, crying from sadness, really frustrated. I remember crying because I couldn't find a matching pair of socks. So angry as well. Oh my God. And it's all just your hormones. Like you're going through the biggest hormonal shift that you'll ever experience in your life, that any person will ever experience in their life.

it's really a lot to take on and then you're like you have a tiny little thing to look after as well motherhood is such a paradox because I feel like we expect the normal things example sleepless nights but no one prepares you for when you're on the toilet and they're pulling at your ankles as you're trying to do your business or when it's 4am and you're both crying because you're both tired and overstimulated it is the most beautiful yet hardest journey that I'm on I feel like there's a lot more judgment around parents who don't look like they

look like how their idea of a mum should. Tattoos, piercings, etc. I didn't expect to have to almost prove to other mums that I am capable, etc. I do definitely think you can find your community of mums where they're not going to judge you for things like that and it's like very...

ignorant to think that having tattoos or piercings or whatever it is inhibits you somehow from being a good parent. Like obviously that's not true. Some people just have different aesthetic preferences. I always, always, always have wanted to be a mum but the reality of how overwhelming it can feel to be needed 24-7 has been quite a shock. My son is two and I love him so much but sometimes feel sad that I'm not the energetic, fun and playful mum I envisioned. I know I can be these things sometimes but...

that when you're with your child all the time, you can't show up in that way constantly. You know when you're like, I can't be a parent right now for the next two hours. Do you know what I mean? I'm not even going to get you to sit down for dinner. Like, who cares? I just can't do it right now. But it does change on a day-to-day basis. You can't be 100%

present, engaging, you know, you can't be 100% the best person that you can be possible every single day of the year. So obviously you're going to show up as different versions of yourself to a slightly more censored way. If you are having a bad day, you're not going to be as your happiest energetic self. That's completely fine. But like your children, it's not that you have to be 100% perfect, entertaining, like,

perfect angel saint mother every single day. Like that's not realistic. And also your children, you have to trust that your children are building those skills to have emotional regulation and that someday down the line they will be able to self-soothe and like be a good contributing citizen in the world and that mommy isn't going to do absolutely everything for them because mommy is 100% perfect and mommy has it all together. I think it's really important to accept that you're not going to be perfect

It's completely unattainable. That does not exist. The perfect parent, like 100% perfect all the time. You can be perfect in moments of your life. Absolutely. Like there are days where I'm like standing ovation. That was absolutely fantastic. Had such a good day as a parent. Like I'm actually the best parent ever. The next day I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe that I'm like the shittest parent ever, you know, putting the telly on like burnt out, you know? But as long as you're accepting the fact that

You're not going to be imperfect. It's all... That also allows for improvement, allows for learning, allows for you to apologize to your children. I know that when I'm really frustrated, I don't... Actually, I get more emotional if I'm like listening to whinging and how, you know, if Bea's having a tantrum, I'll actually get more upset than anything. I won't get angry. I get actually upset because I'm like, I can't believe... I'm like, I can't believe this is happening. Do you know what I mean? But...

Sometimes, obviously, I have once or twice been like, please stop, you know, please stop whinging. But immediately after, because I've accepted that, I know that's a bad reaction for me. It's a bad emotional reaction. But immediately after, I'll apologize and I'll say, I'm really sorry that I behaved in that way. It's not nice. I know it hurt your feelings. Mommy loves you so much. I love you so much. It's just that I was feeling very frustrated in that moment. I can see the benefit of those kind of conversations with her sometimes.

Where she is so... I don't know how to describe her. But maybe every parent... Obviously, every parent thinks this. Where they're like, she's very advanced. You know, she's very... She's an observer. She's very empathetic. But, like, my daughter is really good at understanding emotion. And being like, are you okay, mama? Or she'll say sorry to a child in the playground that's crying. You know, and go up and go, are you okay? Which I just think to see that...

Is such a huge reward for me. And I know that it is benefiting her in some way. Now obviously every. Different approaches to parenthood. Can achieve that same thing as well. But I think accepting that I can't be 100% perfect. All the time. Has really helped my parenthood journey. And my motherhood journey.

and listening to other mothers' experiences, not taking what you see online as gospel because obviously that's only a tiny snippet of the day. Like even I don't feel my daughter having tantrums because I think it's inappropriate. Like you have to take that into consideration. So it may look like

In my videos, like it's going swimmingly all the time. Also, a lot of times when I'm recording these things, she's, you know, she's with the childcare provider. She's with her nanny. She's with my sister. So it's not 100% the whole picture all the time. Obviously, there's days where she's whinging or like,

driving me mad. But I'm not taking the phone out to record her because I'm trying to be present in that moment and for the both of us to learn from it. That's why it's not being put up online. And it's not that I want to try portray this perfect image of I have the most perfect child in the world and I'm the most perfect parent. It's just that that's what I choose not to upload because that's what I choose not to record. We do actually, in fairness now, I think I'm living my dream life at the moment as a mother. I really think...

I'm having such a good time. I'm able to have really good quality time with her. Now, some days, obviously, I'm like, I can't be arsed, but I really am loving being a mother. My personal experience has gotten me closer to the people who are important in my life, like my family members, Jason's family. I have so much fun with her. I've never laughed this much, like an actual real laugh. Like, I feel like I've been fake laughing my whole life because I've

I proper laugh now when we're together. I'm learning so much every day and it's just such a joy to be able to watch her grow up. It's just fascinating how much children absorb and then act out in their everyday life. The overarching message of this podcast is that having a child, having my daughter in particular, has enhanced my life in so many ways that I never expected it to.

Like my perspective on the world, the way I treat myself, the way I treat others, the way I see having fun and...

the way that I enjoy myself, even my relationship with like nature and other things and it's less tied with needing things or trying to impress people. It's very much allowed me to just focus on my inner circle and the community around me and focus on myself rather than trying to impress people or trying to be cool or that I need to have a certain car to be worthy or having a certain amount of money to feel worthy. It's more so just about

looking after my family and protecting each other. And even though there's obviously hard days and days where I'm like literally crying, majority of the time, I would say 95% of the time, I'm having such a fun experience with being a mother. And I love it so much. And I wish everyone the same. And a lot of it has to do with, I'm very privileged to have people around me that are willing to support, people around me that love her as much as I do and are willing to be in her life every single day without me having to ask.

And the support from my friends who are moms who I've made over the last few years, having a community to be able to have open, honest conversations about our experiences of motherhood, having open and honest conversations with my partner, Jason, about my motherhood experience has really helped me

the whole journey and helped me be the mother that I want to be. And obviously, I'm always improving every night when I put my head on the pillow and I'm going through the day. There's always little things that I can improve on, like I could be more present with her. I know I could be a little bit more fun. Maybe it'll be a bit more lighthearted, pay more attention, all these other things. But for the next day, it's always a fresh slate. And I always find that in the

It does light up my world. It has made me the happiest person ever. Okay. Hope you enjoyed this episode. Love you so much.