This is the Pursuit of Wellness podcast, and I'm your host, Mari Llewellyn.

Hi guys, welcome back to the Pursuit of Wellness and it's about to be Happy New Year. We are about to enter 2025, which is so, so crazy. I feel like this past year has been, I wouldn't say it flew by for me, honestly. I feel like a lot happened, but at the same time, it felt long. I don't know how to say what I'm saying, but it felt long.

like a lot of steps and like momentum happened in my life but in a different way like I feel like between 2016 to 2024 it was very much like a transformative time for me and my like identity and my business and it was very like accomplishment focused and this past year was a lot more

friendship and patience and like learning more about myself from a confidence perspective. And it was like a lot happened business wise too, but you know, I was also on my fertility journey, like the focus sort of shifted. So it was a very interesting year for me and I'm excited to see what's in store for 2025. And hopefully you guys are excited as well. I feel like new years is such a time for relationships,

reflecting, thinking about, okay, where do I want my life to go? Like, how can I

refocus? Am I on the right path? Where am I going? What can I do to take steps to go there? Can I push myself harder? Should I be pulling back a little bit? What areas of my life are important to me and I need to focus on more or less? What things do I want to change? I definitely have things this year that I want to change and focus on more. But I thought for this episode,

for New Year's, I would sort of tell you guys my story from start to finish. And some of you may know it already, but I feel like every time I tell my story, new details come out because I'm just thinking back and remembering. And I've also realized and learned so much more about my journey in the years that have followed it. I feel like the older I get, the more I have new reflections on what I went through and

I can give better advice and better lessons the more that I reflect on it. And I feel like it's been a while for me now, or it feels like it has. And I've had time to really like process and still there's elements of my story that I feel are like difficult to talk about, or I'm not, you know, sure how to, you

extrapolate on. And, you know, there's definitely details that I have never spoken about that I probably never will. I just want to say that because I do feel like, I don't know, I notice on TikTok now and where social media is going, like oversharing is such a thing. And I am guilty of that. I love sharing and I do feel like it is

it's my purpose. And I feel like I can add value to people's lives by sharing my struggles. But there are, of course, details of my story that either involve other people are super private, and I just haven't come to terms with yet. So I speak about as much as I'm comfortable with and able to, and I hope that it could inspire some of you. I

have been through a lot in sort of a short period of time, but it was the most transformative experience of my life. And I'm forever grateful that I went through it as hard as it was. It made me into who I am. It's the reason I'm sitting here right now with a podcast. It's the reason I have a business. It's the reason I met Greg and our relationship got so strong. There's so much to it. And I think I'm

better for it, but there's definitely still some wounds there. So I'm sure many of you can relate and have something that happened to you in your life that really just like changed the direction of where you were going. And I think the biggest thing I want to emphasize before I get into my transformation journey is just taking the pain and really channeling it into fuel and fire and passion. I think

Some of us, and I'm so guilty of this in the past, but like the victim mentality is so easy and tempting to fall into when we go through something hard. And all of us have a story and some of them, you know, bigger T traumas, little T traumas. I think the best thing we can do is

to decide how we're going to react and decide how we're going to move forward from it rather than sort of wallowing in pain. And I do think there's room for like a little bit of, you know, feeling your emotions, allowing those feelings to come through, but then saying, okay, like, how do I want to react? Like, who do I want to be after having gone through this? And that's the moment that can change the course of your life, no matter what you're going through. So I hope that is helpful.

And for anyone who's new to the pursuit of wellness, welcome to the show. Welcome to the community. We are so happy to have you. And hopefully this story will give you a bit of background on who I am, why I'm sitting here on the pursuit of wellness podcast, why I'm so passionate about wellness, mental well-being, physical well-being. And hopefully this story gives you some background on that.

So just to give you guys, let's go all the way back just to give some context. So I was born in London, Chertsey, London, and I lived there for a year, obviously with my mom and dad.

They were desperate to have a baby and it took them like three years to have me. So they were really, really excited. We moved to Geneva, Switzerland for three years. My dad works for the United Nations, the foreign office as it's called in the UK. And there is a United Nations in Geneva. So we lived there for three years. I went to a French nursery school. Some of my first memories are in Switzerland. Like I remember the sunflower fields and the cows and

Um, definitely like singing French nursery rhymes. Like when I think of nursery rhymes, they're all in French. Um, and my sister was born in Switzerland. We then moved back to the UK and lived in a town called Guilford in Surrey in England. And I went to school there, um, until age 10. And I have a lot of memories in my uniform going to school. It was a very like British school experience. Um,

As I said, uniform, ties. I had, I would say, when I think back on that time in my life, I was outside all the time. Me and my sister would play imaginary games all the time. We got to travel a lot. Both of my parents are...

um you know they speak different languages they love traveling they you know have family members all over the world so I had a pretty like international upbringing and just was exposed to a lot of different cultures which I am so grateful for now we would travel all the time um and we moved house a lot that's I think a big theme in my childhood I moved a ton so like we never were really in a house for very long at all I think I've lived in like

11 or 12 different houses my whole life. So moving was not a big deal for us. But moving

When I was 10 years old, we found out my dad got offered a job as a British diplomat in America. And I'd never been to the U.S. before. And all I knew about America was from the TV show Friends. I was like, okay, it's going to be just like Friends. I also had the assumption, and I'm just being honest here, that everyone would be obese and everyone ate McDonald's. Like that was the perception that I had of America.

So it was a big deal. I remember going to school on my last day in England and everyone had signed a shirt for me and made me this book with all of our memories. And it was kind of crazy. So we moved to New York in 2004.

And it was quite a culture shock. The UN actually just chooses the house you live in when you're a diplomat. So we were stationed in Westchester, New York, completely randomly, a town called Scarsdale. And Scarsdale is interesting because it's one of the wealthiest towns in America. And it was not what I was expecting at all. And I had a good childhood, but my family were by no means wealthy.

super wealthy or anything like that so I had never seen wealth like that in my life and didn't even really know what I was looking at honestly when I was that age but and everyone in the town or most people in the town are Jewish and I hadn't met a lot of Jewish people in my life because in the UK I just hadn't met many so you know bat mitzvahs were popping up and just different things that I had never seen before so it was quite a culture shock and I remember fifth grade my first day

Everyone was dressed a certain way. All the kids were friends. And I just felt so different. Like I was saying all the wrong words. Like I was saying, where's the bin? And they're like, what is a bin? And I'm like, oh, a trash can. And I was calling an eraser a rubber, which didn't go down very well. And just feeling like very out of my element. And I was pretty shy as a kid, pretty quiet, pretty anxious, I think.

you know, like moving around a lot, certain things in my household. Like it was a pretty, I guess, tumultuous household and just witnessing certain things. I was just an anxious kid and never really felt like fully safe. So school in America was interesting.

uh middle school I mean by that point I had found a friend who was also foreign she was from New Zealand and that really helped me but I still felt very out of place for a long time and I think that carried through high school I even met someone um who I went to high school with the other day or I ran into them and he was like you were so so quiet in high school like you were like such a shell and he

he was like you're so like different now and I was just thinking back because I don't really think about that time very much and I was like oh my gosh I think I was just really struggling to be honest like I had I'm just carrying a lot of weight with me all the time and I think I ended up really being inside myself and just not feeling safe to be open up and whatever so um

Yeah, I was like a pretty quiet kid, didn't have a lot of friends. I like sat behind the vending machine for a few years and didn't really hang out with people. It took me until like junior or senior year of high school to make friends. And I joined something called the A school, which is the alternative school at my high school. And it was a completely different curriculum. The grading system, instead of just being like an A, B or C, it was like a written up

evaluation and I think I really thrived in that environment we had these like community meetings and it allowed me to feel just much more comfortable and it was a really nice place honestly and it's how I made good friends in high school my junior year my parents ended up separating which was honestly a very long time coming but for some reason took me by surprise and

I think, you know, moving to America with this like small family unit, just my parents, me and my sister. I mean, I fully knew that they were not like doing well my whole life. It was very obvious. But when they when they did split, for some reason, I felt like my world was ending because it was sort of like the thing that made me feel safe in this environment. And we just bought a new house and everything.

It was very confusing to me. And I think that moment was sort of a tough thing for me and my sister. And it was just like a whole thing. Anyway, I don't want to go too much in detail there, but yeah,

From there, I went into my senior year and I should say I always struggled with school. Like school, academics were not my thing. I think English came to me really easily. I've always loved English and writing. Art was very much my thing. I was pretty good at language, like French. Math and science were really hard for me. Like that side of my brain just like does not work.

so I was always struggling with math and science I was put in like special classes for it SATs I like aced the English writing portion but the math and science I did horribly so it was a whole thing um and I think I always just felt insecure around like my academic ability and I was put on you know various ADHD ADD medications and not because I was like acting out but because I was genuinely really struggling um

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So the summer of my senior year, I was like ready to go to school. Like I was ready to go to college. I wanted a new experience. I like wanted to get out of this town. I think I was like, just had a lot of emotions. Like I felt like angry at my situation. And I just, my household was like a bit of a mess at that time. Like my dad had moved out and I felt just really sad about that. He was a big, you know, part of my life. And I was like,

I would like go into the city to visit him and he moved to Connecticut at one point and I would drive all the way out there to spend time with him. And I was just really sad about the whole situation and just kind of angry and confused. And yeah, just, you know, reflecting back, I think I had so many feelings about everything and just didn't know how to compute them and like talk about them and felt like I didn't have people to talk to. So yeah,

I definitely like started drinking around this time. I was using alcohol as a way to escape and I would go out and party and do reckless things. And, you know, I was starting to notice that I wasn't able to handle the pain I was feeling. And I, I always had felt like my whole childhood, I would, I would like fall asleep with anxiety or crying. And I just, I always felt like,

emotionally sort of on edge and like anxious all the time. And I didn't really know what it was. I go to school, I go to college, Drexel University in Philadelphia. And I went into that school with a completely different mindset. I was like, I am gonna say yes to everything. I'm gonna make friends.

I'm going to put myself out there because I did not feel myself throughout high school. And I was like, I'm finally ready to like, get out there and be myself. So I clearly had some sort of like surge of confidence or whatever. So I go to Drexel. And with this mindset, I quickly was meeting people, going to parties, you know, made a best friend and

quickly was like creating like a friend group for myself and a community and was really, really enjoying myself. Honestly, it was a very different environment for me. And I wasn't used to having so much like freedom at school. I think that was good and bad for me because I

you know, with high school, you sort of like have to show up every day. And if you don't have your homework, someone's mad at you. In college, you need to show up for class every day. If you don't do something, that's on you. And I think I was so focused on making friends and honestly, like partying and again, over drinking. And I think we all, I mean, most of us in our college experience drank way too much and

I definitely went through some horrible things during freshman year because of that drinking and that I won't go into detail on that. But like, you know, everyone makes very poor decisions when they're drinking and things happen. So quite quickly, I was put on academic and social probation.

When I think about that, I'm like, geez, like, how did I let it get to that point? But I remember I had to present to a board of professors from Drexel about how I was going to step it up academically. I think socially, the reason I got in trouble because I came back to my dorm like super drunk and did something crazy. I honestly don't remember that.

So yeah, off to a interesting start my first semester of college. I did sort of like get a grip at that point, started going to class, like figuring things out, going to the library, still partying for sure. Like that was definitely a priority of mine. And I think, yes, I was having fun and enjoying myself, but at the same time, I was definitely like escaping life.

I remember I was like, I have been seeing a therapist at that point since I was 14, because when my parents decided to separate, they sent me to her, um, to figure out how to like communicate the news and stuff. But I had started sort of like ignoring her calls and canceling our meetings. So I wasn't doing therapy or anything like that. Um,

So college continued. I joined a sorority in my sophomore year, Phi Sigma Sigma, which is really funny to think about. But it was a great thing, I think, for me, you know, going through Rush, meeting girls, having this community, feeling like I was a part of something. And I felt very connected to this particular sorority. I was so excited when bid day came and I got into the sorority I wanted, you

I ended up moving into the house and having like a group of best friends and really just feeling like, you know, like I belonged somewhere. And it definitely did encourage the partying, unfortunately. Like, you know, when you're, I forget what the term is, when you're new, you're not really supposed to go out and party. But then once that's over, you're going to all these different fraternities. It's a whole thing. And it kind of like added to my, you know, like partying issue, but

And back then I was, I mean, people kind of knew me as like the girl that was always going out. And I always had the itinerary for the night. So people would text me and be like, what's going on tonight? And I'd be like, oh, we're going to this house and then we're going to this bar and then we'll end at this frat. And it's so funny to think about now because no one who knows me now would like ever assume that about me. But again, it, I think going out, it made me feel like,

seen in a way that I'd never been seen before. I felt like people were paying attention to me. I felt it was like a false sense of love and like it was filling an empty void for me. And the drinking was like numbing out the pain. But the drinking did start to get a little concerning, I'd say around my sophomore, junior year, because every time I would get drunk, I'd end up crying or yelling or like calling people.

people in my family, just certain things were happening. And clearly, it was the only time I allowed myself to like feel these feelings, which is very interesting. I feel like I completely like shoved them down. But then when I would drink, they'd all come out.

And that was like my first sign, I think, that things were spiraling a little bit. And I met Greg, my now husband, when I was 21. Oh, no, when I was 20, actually, I turned 21 when I already knew him. He actually went to Scarsdale High School. So we went to the same high school together, but I didn't know him.

And then I got a text from someone from my school saying, hey, you should really meet this guy, Greg Lavecchia. He is at Drexel. And I quickly found out he was in the fraternity house next to my sorority house. And I could literally see through my bedroom window, the fraternity's kitchen. And I could see him in there all day cooking. I was like, what is this guy doing? Why is he cooking? None of us were cooking. We were like getting Subway sandwiches and Chick-fil-A or whatever. And I ended up meeting him at a Halloween party.

Long story short, I see him dancing on a table, falls through the table, actually breaks the table. And if you know Greg, he's like a beefy guy. Broke the table. I like run over and we end up hanging out the rest of the night. He like made me pancakes and stuff. Anyway, that was when I met Greg and it was a very different time in both of our lives. Like we both were just trying to figure things out. And I remember, so at Drexel, it's a...

What do they call it? Co-op program? I forget what the name of it is. I forget what the program is called, but basically you switch between doing internships and school every other semester. So I remember Greg and I were both on our internships and we would take the bus at the same time into Center City and we would see each other. And it's just funny to think about now, but I just remember thinking he was this like

crazy, funny kid with this crazy laugh. And he had this weird bag he would carry every day. He would call his murse, his man purse, whatever. So,

We had a lot of fun together for sure. And we were like talking casually and hanging out. But I was definitely starting to struggle more and more at this time. I was still drinking. And I remember it was around this time that I had my first experience with self-harming. So trigger warning, I'm going to talk about that because it was a big part of my journey. So

I don't know. I can't remember the exact scenario, but it was a night of drinking. I think I was waking up just ashamed, mortified, had, you know, like yelled at someone or I was crying and I just had all these feelings. And I was like, God, like I am such a mess. I'm in so much pain.

I don't even know how to like feel how to fix this feeling I have. Like I can't even describe it now, but it was this feeling of like being a ghost. I was like, no one really cares about me. I feel invisible. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. Like it felt like I was in such deep pain and I couldn't really figure out why I had, you know, some sense of an idea just from like everything I'd been through. But this was the first time I ever self-harmed and my experience

the first thing I ever did was cut my arm. And I remember Greg noticed the next day and was just like horrified. He was like, you need to go see someone. Like this is getting really bad. I can't watch you do this to yourself. So I went to a psychiatrist in Philadelphia. And at this point, I'd already sort of been diagnosed with

which is borderline personality disorder. And I'd never heard of it. And it's funny because I identified with it so quickly when I read about it and I learned about it from my therapist. And I was like, oh my gosh, is this what I've had this whole time? And it kind of was this feeling of,

like, relief in a way that I had an answer. But it was also this feeling of dread because when I read about it online, it was like, most people with BPD end up committing suicide. It is the most painful disorder that you can have. Therapists don't even want to work with people with BPD. They are the most manipulative people and just like these horrible things that I was kind of shocked by and

here I was just sort of feeling like everything hurt and I couldn't get a grip on my emotions and figure out you know I just felt like such a mess and I was reading these things about you know manipulation and I didn't identify with that part of it and I was like this makes me feel really like I'm a monster so I went to a psychiatrist she diagnosed me with BPD and agreed with that diagnosis and ended up putting me and just to clarify I should give a bit more context I

Borderline personality disorder has now been identified as a trauma-based disorder. So kind of like PTSD, BPD comes from trauma. And now that I know that, it helps me understand why I ever ended up with that diagnosis. And I no longer today meet the criteria for BPD. I don't feel like I struggle with it.

mm-mm at all, really. I mean, I have things pop up where I'm like, oh, that was like a little bit triggering. But if anything, I sort of think of that as a trauma response. So just wanted to give context on that. And BPD, the definition, the way I liked to put it was it's like having third degree burns on your emotions. It feels like

everything's painful and unbearable. You have a lack of like core identity. You feel like you need to be around other people. I had a very hard time being alone. Self-harm is very common because it sort of makes you feel like you're alive and you're, you know, it's real. It's a quite difficult thing to describe, honestly. And even now that I haven't experienced it in so long, it's difficult for me to describe. ♪

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Visit clearstemskincare.com and use code POWER. Check out for 20% off your first purchase. Again, that's code POWER for 20% off your first purchase on clearstemskincare.com. The psychiatrist in Philadelphia put me on a bunch of medications and I will say there's no BPD specific medication. So it's not like there's like a borderline personality disorder medication or

So I was put on a cocktail of things that generally they would use for someone that was bipolar. So I was put on antidepressant, anti-anxiety and a mood stabilizer. Looking back, I kind of wish I'd been given one thing to test out and see how I felt rather than this like cocktail because it, and to be fair, I think the psychiatrist was concerned that I was,

was a safety hazard to myself. I definitely was sort of having like, like I was self-harming regularly, having suicidal ideation that like, it was bad drinking. So I went on this medication and I feel like it just sent me into complete dissociation.

I had no grip on reality. I felt like I was floating. I continued to drink on the medication. I don't think I understood how severe that would be, but I would like get drunk very quickly, black out very easily. And the self-harming didn't stop. It didn't feel like it really helped me at all. If anything, it just made me feel completely out of my mind, not aware of what was going on. And

Quickly, I got to senior year and I was a semester away from graduating and failing every class, unable to get out of bed. I'd gained a ton of weight at that point, probably like 50 to 60 pounds. I wasn't someone that ever really paid attention to my body. It was just I growing up.

you know, I didn't necessarily grow up super healthy. We, it was a sort of like European household, like cheese, ham, bread, you know, decent, like homemade food, but nothing crazy. And I'd always been pretty lean my whole life. So for the first time I was like, Oh, I look different. Uh, it took me a while to even realize it, to be honest, I never really looked in the mirror.

But at this point, I was eating just like junk food, like awful, awful food. I was basically really sick. Like I felt really ill all the time, completely out of it, like making crazy decisions, like almost out of my own body. And looking back, just...

couldn't recognize myself couldn't recognize some of the decisions I was making and it was around this Greg and I had actually broken up around this time for like I mean probably almost a year six months to a year and

So I felt so alone and my apartment was just a disaster. Like I couldn't take care of myself. I couldn't, I couldn't do anything. It was, it was bad. The only thing I had with me that whole time was Lulu. And if you've been following me for a while, you know, Lulu is nine years old. She's been with me.

like through everything and she was with me through that and I look back on that time and I feel like I was not the best dog mom I could have been and it kills me thinking about it because I she was so patient with me and honestly it's a huge reason I spoil her so much now because I think about that time a lot and I'm like I was such a mess but um yeah just rock rock bottom um rock bottom and again like there's things that I can't say on here but

The worst time in my life for sure. And I'm shocked that I made it out alive, frankly, like I did not care if I was dead or alive, put myself in really dangerous situations. And I'm just at a certain point, I think. I remember I had a meeting with a guidance counselor who was like, hey, you're failing every class.

And I was like, yeah, I'm so sorry. Like I'm like not functioning right now. And she was like, it's better that you just go home and drop out for now and go, you know, get yourself to a healthy place where you can function again and then come back. So I dropped out of school a semester before graduating. Basically at this point had no friends. Like I had kind of left behind the friend group I'd made because I made a decision that I didn't want to party anymore. I

I just decided that I was needing to fix this problem. I ended up calling my dad and I was like so humiliated and I said, I really just need help. Like I, and I really hadn't asked for help at all the whole time I was at college and felt pretty disconnected from my family, to be honest. Like I really hadn't heard from them much and just felt, I don't know.

So I call him and I was like, I need to come home. I'm really struggling. And he came and got me and helped me move out of my apartment. And we essentially just like threw everything away and got out of there. And I went home to Scarsdale and,

And, you know, when you go home and you sort of have this like reality check and you're not in school anymore and you don't have a job. And it was just like, wow, what have I done with my life? And I think I realized I remember when he took me to a couple like holistic doctors and things. And I just realized how amazing.

this medication had pretty much ruined my life. And that was my perception. And it wasn't the medication, it was me, but the medication wasn't helping. So I and I am not recommending this because I am not a doctor, I'm not qualified, I'm just telling you guys my story. But I cold turkey came off the medication. And that is like not recommended, you're not supposed to do that. This type of medication is hardcore. So my withdrawal coming off of that was pretty insane. It made me

again, like act very spontaneous and do crazy things. Like I think I've shared this before, but my whole life I'd never ever shoplifted, would never dream of it. I was like a goody two shoes. Coming off this medication, all of a sudden I was like taking things from stores and I couldn't figure out why. After researching it later, I found out that that's like a common symptom when you come off of medication like this is like these erratic behaviors. And

So I was doing things like that, just really like had a hard time. But at the same time, for the first time in years, I was really reflecting on where I was at in my life and processing a lot of pain. And I was going to therapy and starting to move in the right direction. And it took a few months, but I sort of had this like come to Jesus moment or whatever you want to call it, like an epiphany. And I was like, wow.

I have ruined my life basically. And I'm in this insane situation. I feel like my life is such a mess and I can't believe I let it get to this point. And at the time, you know, I'd started talking to Greg again and Greg was a really big source of inspiration for me because while we were dating, I watched him go to the gym every day and cook every meal. And he had, even though he was a little all over the place as well, like skipping class and both of us were not great. Um,

he always stuck with his gym routine and always took care of his food and that was like an underlying thing that he always did and I was always very impressed by it like he was the first person who taught me how to grocery shop and whatever and I remember calling him and saying um I really want to get healthy because to me that that was the first step of gaining back control and

And he was still at Drexel in Philly and I was home. I was like, I really want to get healthy. And I don't know if he even really like believed that I would do it. But I remember the first day that I decided I wanted to be healthy. I like instead of driving to the coffee store and getting muffins in a giant iced coffee with milk and sugar, I was like, I'm going to cook my food.

And I made eggs and oatmeal with blueberries. And I copied Greg's meal exactly. I did like six eggs, which is crazy. And I made like a bodybuilder meal, but I was so proud of it. And looking back, I could like cry thinking about it because I like sent Greg a photo and I was like, oh my God, look like I'm being healthy. And that was like the first step in me changing my life. And

I would watch all these fitness influences on YouTube, like Buff Bunny and Taylor Chamberlain. And who else would I watch? Grace Beverly. And it took me a while to get in the gym. I really just started with like walking and like doing little jogs here and there and taking Lulu on these hikes and stuff to get myself out. And the food was definitely a big thing. I feel like the food alone just put me in a better headspace to be able to take on the challenges that I wanted to take on.

And then I was watching these girls on YouTube that were bikini competitors or bodybuilders. And I was just super inspired. I felt like I loved the way the muscle looked. I wanted to be strong. I mean, it wasn't even about weight loss for me. It was like, I just want to dedicate myself to something. And I just want to feel like purposeful again and figure out what I'm capable of. Like, it was really this feeling of like, I have just allowed myself to, you know,

really be the worst version of myself for a long time. And I want to step it up and see what my full potential is. So I started going to the gym. Greg would visit me on the weekend and teach me how to weightlift. So I was really following like a bodybuilder plan, you know, like shoulder day, glute day, lifting heavy. I was doing like six plates on a leg press. I got like up to a two plate squat. Like I was really strong.

I'm really enjoying myself and having this feeling of just like empowerment and oh my gosh, like I'm doing hard things every day and keeping my own promises and waking up early and, you know, walking the dog and getting to the gym and grocery shopping on my own. I felt this feeling of like independence and strength and,

I was very isolated at that point. Like I, and I'm glad that I did that. Honestly, I didn't, I cut out a lot of my friends, which sounds harsh and maybe it was, but I just needed to be alone at that point. I needed to be alone. Greg was gone during the weekend with visit me on the weekend.

And I was just like, focus, like laser focused on this goal, obsessed with fitness, obsessed with nutrition, listening to podcasts all day, reading books, felt like I had this sort of like thing that was mine. Like I was passionate and it was making me feel better and it was making me act better. And I was being a better family member and a better partner. And, you know,

reflecting on things I'd been through and talking about it in therapy and sort of for the first time in my whole life facing the hard things head on instead of avoiding and hiding and distracting and numbing. I was like, I am facing this head on. Definitely stopped drinking during this time. Alcohol was, you know, I barely ever touched it. I was like stone cold sober just putting myself through it and

But in a way that I was enjoying, I wasn't starving myself. I was, you know, tracking my food, getting in enough protein, getting healthy fats, like eating brain healthy foods. I was always very, very interested in ingredients and how they were affecting me. And still to this day, I think it's the most fantastic thing. And I was supplementing and using creatine and protein and, you know, doing all the things and just becoming so passionate about

this lifestyle and you know for like nine months this is all I did and at a certain point I decided I wanted to get a job I was sick of you know asking my dad for money I felt like I wasn't good with money I felt like I would always go over like you know my debit card and my dad you know he's not like

he's not like a millionaire. He's working for the UN and working hard and I didn't want to take his money anymore. So I started working at Orange Theory Fitness, working the front desk. I would get there at like three in the morning to open up for the shift, sit the front desk, have people throw their sweaty heart rate monitors at me. I would clean the toilets. I can still remember the smell of the cleaner we used. Every time I go into a toilet at a gym, I'm like, oh, that is a...

Quick reminder. And I wore that orange shirt every day and I would eat, like I'd bring my meals that I had cooked of like rice and chicken and whatever. I didn't really do the workouts at Orange Theory, to be honest. I would still go to the gym. The Orange Theory things were not my thing. I wanted to go weightlift and I would go to the gym after work and

It was a great learning lesson for me about responsibility and discipline and just how to be a working person in a functioning society. And it was around this time that I decided I wanted to go back and finish my degree in design and merchandising. So I would drive back to Philadelphia twice a week and I would not stay in Philadelphia to this day because

I will not go back to Philadelphia because I associate it with such a bad time in my life that I can't go. Maybe one day I'll go and have like a healing moment there, but I avoid that city like the plague. So I would go there, take my class and drive all the way back to New York, which is like a three or four hour drive. And I did that multiple times a week.

Finished my classes, ended up getting my degree. I never went to graduation, but me and my dad, his wife and Greg threw a little mock graduation at my house and I wore the cap and we went out to dinner and everything.

So, yeah, that was like a really proud moment for me after going through everything I went through. And I remember, you know, at this point I'd lost about 90 pounds, which is crazy to say and was never really my goal.

But showing up every day, keeping your own promises and sort of chipping away, you'd be shocked at what you can accomplish. And I was starting to feel like myself again. I felt like my eyes were bright. I was, you know, capable of finishing a hike and everything.

I felt healthy and I felt strong. I felt capable. I felt like I could do hard things. I felt like I could handle myself, which was the most important part of the whole thing. So I had lost 90 pounds and I had this before and after photo that I'd made on Collageable. And I remember I literally just made it to send to Greg because I was proud. And I felt like I had biceps in the photo, which is really funny. And I put the before and after and I sent it to him. He was like, oh, you should put it on your Instagram.

I was not an active social media user. I pretty much just like watched fitness people on there. I didn't really post. I had 900 followers. I hadn't posted since before my fitness journey because I didn't want to be on camera when I was like not feeling good about myself. And I really didn't really, I didn't really want to post it, but I was also like, I'm really proud of this thing. So I'm going to put it up. And this was November of 2017. Put up the post.

And it got a lot of attention. And I don't quite know why, but I think it just resonated with people. And it was people I knew, people I didn't know. It was getting reposted on big like fitness, weight loss pages, just kind of getting shared everywhere. And I remember looking at my phone and being like, what is going on? Like my notifications were exploding. I had all these DMs. And for some reason, people were resonating with me. And my story...

And I was still working at Orange Theory. And at this point that I was like, okay, maybe I'll like start sharing a little bit. And I, you know, in the way that the girls that I followed did, and I was sharing recipes and meals and workouts and here's, here's how I drink a gallon of water a day. And, um, here's how many steps I try to get and here's the workouts I'm doing. And I

I was getting more and more DMs and the community was growing. I think I hit 20,000 followers when I worked at Orange Theory. And I remember the other staff members being like, are you going to do this full time? How did you grow your following? And I was like, I'm just posting. And it was such a funny moment. And it was at that point that I noticed the community was asking me for

guides. They were like, can you put out some workout guides or recipe guides so we can follow it at the gym ourselves? I was like, yeah, I mean, easy. I can just go. I went to Barnes and Noble, the bookstore, sat on my computer, wrote up every workout I did during the week, made like variations of it, all the plans that I followed, you know, week to week, made it a PDF. And I was like, hey guys, I'm selling my workout plan for $5 if you want it.

and people would PayPal me $5 and I would email them this guide, it ended up picking up so much steam that I was on my phone all day emailing people this guide. And Greg ended up joining me and helping me in this. And he helped me write the plan and everything because he was training me. But he ended up being on his phone doing it too because it was taking too much of our time for one person. So...

eventually we were like okay I think we need a website so we made mariefitness oh no marieasyfitness.com put it on there and this guide was exploding and I was like okay I need to do another another part two as I was learning more about exercise and evolving I made a part two I made nutrition guides I had an Instagram page with videos of every single exercise we filmed every exercise I mean hundreds of exercises put them up on this Instagram page and

And it was just exploding. It was insane. And we were saving all of the money we made from these guides. And at a certain point, Greg was like, you need to quit Orange Theory because we need to go all in on this. And I was like, really? Like, I'm nervous. Like, this is my job. I ended up quitting Orange Theory after a lot of convincing from Greg and my dad. My dad was like, you got to you got to try this.

So yeah, we just continued saving the money, ended up releasing my first physical product, which was a resistance band that we manufactured. I remember working closely with the manufacturer on these fabric resistance bands with the logo that I sketched myself.

Um, we hand packed and shipped the first 900 bands out of my dad's house. I remember Greg and I just for days and I would write a note in every package and I would go to UPS. It was a whole thing.

But it was my first taste of business. And I was, you know, working out, cooking, filming, packing bands, just my whole life exploded. And it was still so small scale, but we were still saving all the money from the bands and the guides and things were really picking up. My following, I think I hit like 600,000 at a certain point during this time.

we ended up starting to sample for supplements in 2018. And the reason being, I was very passionate about nutrition and ingredients. And I would go to the GNC and feel like I couldn't find anything that I liked. And I wanted to create a pre-workout in particular that tasted really good, had good ingredients, didn't make me feel too jittery. And Greg was like, let's do it ourselves.

I was like, you're crazy. Like, I don't think that's going to work. That sounds insane. Found a manufacturer in New York locally that we could go visit, sit with the food scientists. It was third party tested. All the ingredients were tested and sourced very well. And we could meet everyone. And we basically took all the money we'd made from the guides and bands and poured it into sampling for Bloom. And Greg and I worked on it for a year straight.

launched January of 2019 with a website with photos that I took myself and

We designed all the labels ourselves. Like I worked with this graphic designer we found. I think he went to Drexel with us actually. And we just like did it together. I like designed this pattern I wanted. I took photos of the fruits that would be the cover of the label. It was really, really scrappy. But I was documenting the whole thing and keeping the community involved the whole time. And

And the first batch of pre-workout sold out and everyone was just really excited. And we were asking for feedback and what flavors do you like? What, you know, what more can we do? And it was just this beautiful moment of, I think we have something here. And yeah, I don't want to go too far into the business story because that's for a different episode. But again, like this, the hardest moment of my life or the hardest time of my life was

set me up for the best times of my life. And truly, ever since that year, I have never looked back. And it completely, it helped me find out who I am as a person. And I always knew that I had something in me that was

um, special. Like I don't, not to sound like I'm special. I'm better than everyone. That's not what I mean. I just knew that I was meant to do something big and I wanted to do something big. I just couldn't figure out what, and it, it's one of those moments where I really feel like your pain, it can be your purpose and it almost should be. And I feel like going through what I went through, it gave me a fire to share and to help other people and just really embrace this

crazy thing that I went through and and show myself that I can get through hard things and and help other people do the same you know no matter what their journey looks like too and I think I always just wanted to have a career that was impactful and I feel so grateful that I

how get to do that every day I feel like it is such a joy for me to show up on this microphone to post to share um to put out products that I love and I feel like help people and

And it's just been this magical, magical journey for me. And I hope, you know, for anyone listening around New Year's wanting, maybe you're in the spot that I was in in 2017, maybe you're a little further along, wherever you're at on your journey, I hope you turn your pain into fuel. I hope you find purpose in your pain.

I hope you, you know, really start thinking about what more can I do this year? What else, what else have I always wanted to do? What version of me do I want to embrace? And, um, you know, I encourage you guys to find out your full potential. I think life is about living it to the fullest and finding out your full potential. So, um,

I'm sorry, I know I've been talking for a while. It's a long story, but I hope it is helpful to you guys listening in some shape or form. And...

I love you all so much. Thank you for supporting the show. A reminder that if you don't follow or subscribe to do that, we post about three times a week right now. We have some incredible episodes coming in 2025, some big announcements. It's going to be a big year for POW. So stay tuned and I love you guys. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.

Thanks for joining us on the Pursuit of Wellness podcast. To support this show, please rate and review and share with your loved ones. If you want to be reminded of new episodes, click the subscribe button on your preferred podcast or video player. You can sign up for my newsletter to receive my favorites at marilowelland.com. It will be linked in the show notes.

This is a Wellness Lab production produced by Drake Peterson, Fiona Attucks, and Kelly Kyle. This show is edited by Mike Fry and our video is recorded by Luis Vargas. You can also watch the full video of each episode on our YouTube channel at Mari Fitness. Love you, Power Girls and Power Boys. See you next time.

The content of this show is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual medical and mental health advice and does not constitute a provider patient relationship. As always, talk to your doctor or health team.