Answering Your Questions: Hiring, Hustling, and High Standards | Ep 280
29:02 Share

It's the thing is like people who are successful go through just as much hardship as people that aren't. The only difference is how they respond to it. And the difference is that they get back up and they try again, they don't take it personally.

What's up guys, welcome back to Build and today I'm going on my Sunday stroll and I'm going to be answering your questions while I'm doing so. So I posted a Q&A on my Instagram asking for your questions, anything, whether it's about me, about yourself, about business, about relationships, whatever it's going to be. And so I'm going to randomly select these questions. Here's what I'm doing guys, I'm scrolling through the questions. I have my eyes closed. And then whatever one I land on is what I'm going to answer. So I'm not pre-selecting these. So let's go ahead and go for the first one.

My favorite quote. You know, the first thing that comes to mind for a favorite quote of mine is, I'm sure you've all heard it. It's the tale of two wolves. I'm going to find it right now. It just always resonated with me because, and I had like this huge poster in my first office, and I actually had one in my dorm room when I was in college, because I just felt like

It's a constant battle, and I think all of us have it, that we fight. But it's not something a lot of people talk about. So I'll read it to you guys. The Tale of Two Wolves. One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, My son, the battle is between the two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, doubt, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,

Man, it's funny. That's a quote. That phrase, whatever you want to call it, it's longer than a quote.

it gives me chills every time I read it because I just think it pains me when people ask me, how do you do this? How do you get rid of doubt? How do you get rid of fear? How do you get rid of anger? How do you do this when all these things are going wrong? You know, I have all these thoughts. I have all these feelings. Like, how do you get rid of those so I can succeed like you? And it just makes me sad because I'm like, I don't have any less of them, guys. Like,

That's my entire, like that's what makes anything in life hard. What makes becoming an amazing athlete, becoming an amazing CEO, becoming an amazing leader, spouse, et cetera, what makes all those things hard is the fact that you have those two wolves. It's not that I don't have those. I just have learned that I don't need to believe them. I don't need to take them as directions. I don't need to make them commands over my life. And so I can have those

you know, crappy thoughts and feelings that I don't like, that bother me, that maybe make me uncomfortable, that maybe make me pissed off, frustrated, upset, sad. But I can also just take a step back and say, I don't want to feed into it.

I don't want to feed into it. I want to feed into the good thoughts, right? And that's been the story of my life. I don't think that I'm, I think there's some people who are naturally born with like, they're just really happy and really excited and really optimistic. And like, that's not me. That's just not me. That's not who I've been. And so like my entire life has been rewiring myself to

not indulge in the negative emotions, not indulge in the fear, in the anger, in the anxiety that I feel, not indulge in the self-defeating thoughts. And it's funny because I think still to this day, that's going to be the never-ending journey of my life is how do I continue to succeed in a way that I enjoy, in a way that feels good to me and not give in to those things? Because at any level that I'm at in my career, in my marriage, in my self-development, I recognize that it's usually one of these

false beliefs or negative thought patterns, that's what's stopping me. And I have to continuously uncover those things. And so, you know, when you're asking this question, what's your favorite quote? That's my favorite quote. And it's because that's just been the story of my life. That's been my focus on for the most of the part. And, you know, maybe you are somebody who's wired more positively. Amazing. I like fucking love that. I try to surround myself with those people. But maybe you're not. And you're more like me and you're like, you know, I'm wired a little more negatively. And

And if that's the case, I think just keeping this kind of stuff forefront of mind is really helpful. Okay, I'm going to spin it again. Spin and land. Advice for someone hiring a leader for the first time, not a tactical task manager. This is from Shannon. Shannon, my best advice for you is that how you manage a leader is not how you manage a task doer. You have to change everything you do from how you interview, how you onboard them,

and how you support them. Because you have to show them that you expect more of them. So it's almost like when you bring on somebody who's more tactical, they're more of a doer, you know that they're going to rely on you. When you bring on somebody who's a leader, you want to train them not to rely on you. And so it feels very contrary, especially when you've been onboarding a lot of people who need you, who rely on you, who need more direction and clear task giving.

And then you switch to having somebody who doesn't. And it can feel foreign at times. It can feel like, what do I even tell them to do? Like, how do I do this? And that's because when you're onboarding a real leader, you have to expect more of them. So the first thing that you do to show that you expect more of them is that you don't give them as much training, as much help as you would an individual. Now, this doesn't mean you don't give them context. Context is how the business operates, how you operate, how you prefer to communicate, how you do things here.

It's like, what are the rules of the game? They might have been playing chess, now they're playing checkers. And you need to explain the difference in the rules. However, you don't train them how to move the piece on the board. You don't train them how to manage their direct reports. You simply give feedback, of course, but you need to expect more of these people coming in because the main reason you're hiring a leader is so that they can lead people. What's the prerequisite for leading people? Ah, leading yourself.

If they can't lead themselves, it's really unlikely they're going to be great at leading other people. And so you need to have somebody who comes in and you see that they lead themselves through the onboarding process on their own. Now, that doesn't mean without your help, you're still going to be touching base and adding a lot of context, but you're going to be doing a lot less handholding than you would if they were an individual. So I would say the way that you start the conversation, the way that you

start them in the company is going to dictate if they succeed or fail. Because if you spoon feed them, if you hold their hand, then they're going to expect that. They're going to think that's what you want. You're a micromanager. You're really hands-on. When in reality, it might not be. It's just that you don't know how to do anything else. And so the first thing you have to do is retrain yourself on how to manage somebody and contextualize how you manage an individual versus how you manage a leader. Let's go. Okay.

Hi, what's your favorite animated movie or TV show? Well, Alex knows this about me, and so does my intermediate family. I don't watch anything animated. I don't know why. I just... It's not my thing. It's not my jam. If he wants to watch something animated, like, I think he watches the Star Wars sometimes. Every once in a while, every, like, you know, quarter for, like, an hour. I just leave the room. I don't know. I'm just not into it. But, like, if I thought back to when I was a kid, I watched tons of animated stuff.

like, I think my favorite movie if I had to pull one was, like, The Land Before Time. I don't know if you remember that movie. That was just, like, so much nostalgia when the mother and the baby long neck and her mom dies. Like, it was, like, the saddest moment of my life. I remember feeling so devastated. So, I don't watch any of that. All right, let's spin again. How do I figure out what interests me and switch careers when I have no experience? This is kind of ironic. Okay, how

How do you know what interests you when you have no fucking experience? I'm sorry. It's just like, you don't know what interests you when you don't have experience because we only find out what we're interested in when we get experience doing the thing. I can't tell you guys how many times someone would bring something up to me and be like, fuck, I'd never want to do that. And it's like half what I do now. I remember someone bringing up to me like, what if...

Like, I think you'd be really good at doing more speaking and more events and more like making content. And this was like forever ago. And I was like, that sounds terrible. I would never want to do that. And then I gave it a shot and I was like, oh, I actually really like a lot about this. I like the challenge. I like how I feel after I accomplish something. I like learning a new skill. And so I just truly don't believe that you can figure out what interests you when you don't have experience. Your main objective should be try and get as much experience as possible.

And challenge your own beliefs. You think you're not going to like something? Fucking try it anyways. You just really don't know until you try.

And so I would say try as many things as possible. It's like taste everything, commit to nothing. When you're really trying to figure out what interests you, that's kind of the mentality you take. And then once you really figure out what you like, then it's like keep eating that thing because it's going to deliver the results. But until then, taste everything, commit to nothing. All right, let's spin again. Do you believe in work-life balance? How important is it very early in your career?

I get a lot of hate for this, depending on how I talk about it. Here's the thing. I think that in the beginning of your career, I believe in being unbalanced. You're young, you have time, and this depends on your ambition. If you have a low ambition, be balanced. If you have high ambition, I would say, I don't know that many very, very successful people who were balanced in the

because you have so many skill deficits. And if you really want to do something incredible, it's just going to take a lot of time and a lot of reps to get those in to accelerate yourself quickly enough. And the thing is, is that the landscape in any career, in any job, in any business changes so quickly now. If you don't work faster...

then you are not going to be at the top of your game. And the reality is, is that somebody else is going to be that committed and they will beat you. And I just don't think that people like to hear that. But I think we also need to give ourselves a little bit of tough love, which is like, if you want extraordinary results, you have to put an extraordinary effort. And so when it comes to early in your career, I believe in going all in. I mean, I didn't

paint my nails. I didn't get my hair done. I didn't, I spent every penny I had on reinvesting myself, books, courses, mentors, trainings, like literally everything. Because I was like, what's the point? Like I need to invest in myself now. I want to set myself up for success.

And a lot of people always say like, what I should have done in my 20s. Guys, I actually am so proud of how I lived out my 20s because I set myself up for success. I learned the foundations of marriage, of business, of fitness, of personal development. And I worked so fucking hard and it has made my life much easier now because of how hard I worked then. Now,

Does that mean that I'm a little more balanced now? I am more balanced now. People see how hard I work. I don't, I don't work the same as I worked when I was 23. You know, when I was 23, we were traveling up and down. Like I didn't think about food. I didn't think about sleep. I didn't think about relationships. Like I did not even have any investment in any of those things. I was like, fuck all of it. I'm just going to run myself into the ground to make this work.

And that's what I did. I did not have any consideration for my health. I didn't have consideration for my relationships. I didn't have nothing. Now, it's like I will not sacrifice my health, my personal relationships, my personal development for a goal. Because I, at this point, feel like I have, I can recognize, and this is for me, not for everybody, and for most people, it's not the case.

But I also get more out of my judgment than my work ethic at this point. I have very high work ethic, but sometimes that works against me because I'm willing to do work that other people should be doing, and therefore I become a crutch. And so I try to default towards working on my judgment now rather than my work ethic. Now, this has been after I've been doing this for a decade.

Right. And so it's just a very and it's not it's not like it's a 50 degree switch or change. It's a couple of degrees that I've changed and I do a couple every year because I have to recognize what's going to serve me at this point in my life. So, again, I'll say this.

early in your career, I think you should just go all fucking in. I think you should go all fucking in if you're an ambitious person on trying to figure it out. And I think that you should just say fuck it. Because the thing is too, you're young. You bounce back fast. I mean, it's crazy. But as you get older, you start to realize I'm a little more tired. Like when I wake up, I don't have quite as much energy as I did 15 years ago. It's just how life goes.

And so take advantage of your 20s. You're never going to have more energy, more freedom, and less consequences than you do them. All right, let's spin. What were the things in your life that you had to unlearn and unwire from your system? I would say the first thing, I wouldn't say I've unlearned it, but I've learned new things because if you know how the brain works, you cannot unlearn things. But I think I learned from a really young age that everything was my fault. And I actually think it was

It served me, but it didn't serve me to a degree because I really learned. I had a lot of people when I was young that were, you know, my mother and other people in my life who blamed me for a lot of things. And I really internalized it. Like, I thought that every single thing in my life, in their lives, was my fault. And I took too much of it all. I felt really heavy a lot of times. If somebody's life...

wasn't good, that was close to me, I felt like it was my fault. And so I've had to learn not to take things so personally. If somebody I love is in a bad mood, that's okay. That doesn't have anything to do with me. Hey, even if they're in a bad mood because I did something that they didn't like, that's okay. I still have to live my life. And so I think that's the first thing. I would say the second thing I've had to unlearn is not that I've unlearned, but I've learned new things.

is that structure is good, but flexibility can make you a lot happier. So I'm really great at being structured, but when it gets to the point where I'm very rigid is when I start to feel like, ooh, I don't like this. And I recognized that about five, six years ago, where I was like, okay,

really good at being structured, rigid, doing everything no matter how shitty I feel, like the kind of person who would run a marathon on a broken foot type of thing. And then I realized that at some point it becomes masochistic to a degree. I've had to learn that it's okay to take care of yourself. It's okay to say, you know what, at some point this is actually just smart not to do this. Like

Maybe it's smart if I don't run on a broken foot because you know what might happen is that I might have to deal with that broken foot for the rest of my entire life because I decided that I wanted my ego to get in the way of me resting. That's a lesson that I've had to learn and I've learned it the hard way because I have, I do have physical injuries, for example, like I did races where I said, fuck it. And it hurt and I knew it wasn't good. And now I can't grip anything with my left hand for the rest of my life. Like I have to use straps.

And it's like, I just literally think back to that. I'm like, it was just from ego. And it was because I thought that suffering and enduring that kind of pain in the moment was heroic. And now I look back and I'm honestly, I think it's stupid. Like, I just don't find it to be admirable anymore. I think it sets a bad example for people. And I don't think looking heroic for an hour of your life

is smart when it's going to affect the rest of your life. Whether that's in physical sports, whether it's in business, whether it's in your marriage, like I just, all areas of life, I just don't find that to be, I don't think it's cool anymore. I don't like it. Let me think of one more. So something I've had to unlearn, I've had to unlearn

how to, you know, I used to close people off a lot. So I was, I had like a huge guard up, a big wall. I didn't let people in. And I realized that because I'd have all these feelings, I didn't know how to vocalize them. I also was essentially trained early in my life not to vocalize them because I would get punished. People would yell at me and say, it doesn't matter. And why am I complaining? And so I just shut down and I learned to shut down. And so I

You know, when I was in my early career relationships, Alex and prior to him, I would just put up this wall. And I didn't really know how to let people in. And it wasn't until I married Alex or got into a relationship with him that I learned that I had to lean into that discomfort and let people in, even though I didn't want to.

Because what I realized is that shutting people out and going cold, essentially stonewalling, just completely disconnects you. It offends the other person. It doesn't lead to a healthy relationship. And so that was the third thing. I've had to learn to not give in to that. And I actually, you know what's funny? It's like saying that out loud now. If I look at myself 10 years ago, I did that all the time. And now I don't do that. Like I actually feel really proud of this moment. Like I don't do that ever anymore. Like I really don't.

I cannot think of the last time I did that. I really worked on that one. I really didn't want to be that person. Like, I didn't want to be cold. I didn't want to be the type of person that because bad things happened to me, the world made me bitter. I just was like, that will not be my story. That feels good. Okay, let's spin. How should I pick my Layla? Lord, how?

Guys, I get this question a lot, and it's... Of course, it's flattering that anybody would even say that, but it is also offensive to a degree, because it's like, people... Okay, there's a few reasons why, right? People ask me, how do I pick my Layla? How do I find my Layla? How do I get my wife to be like Layla? And there's a few things that I just want to say, and I'm probably never going to address this again. I'm only doing it because I just randomly picked a question. I'm not going to fuck around. So...

One, flattering. I appreciate that you think that I am a suitable spouse or partner. Second is a lot of people don't recognize that in order to gain somebody of that suitability, you must be able to also be of that suitability. And so I had a very real conversation one time with a guy who came to one of our workshops and he said, how do I find a girl like you? And I couldn't even do it like word vomit. I was like, well, I wouldn't date you. It's

And he was like, what? He's like, you, even in the beginning, you, and I was like, nope. He's like, why? I was like, you don't have certainty. You don't have a plan. It's not like, like there has to be something there. And so it's like, if you want somebody that really inspires you, you have to look in the mirror and say, am I really inspiring? Am I an inspiring person? What have I done? What have I overcome? And you know, when I met Alex, we had both overcome a lot. We had both transformed ourselves a lot. And we had both

uh, been working on becoming inspiring people. And so it's like, match what you want. Don't expect somebody else to carry the weight. That's the first thing I would say. The second thing I would say is, I get this, the follow-up to this is, and I see the other questions around it, which is like, how do I get my girlfriend, my wife, whatever, to be like Layla? And you don't. Like, it's not like I was like, oh, I became this

for Alex. Like, some like, oh my gosh, I've transformed myself into this person for him. It's like, no, this is who I am. This is who I've always been. This is what I've always wanted to do. And

We talk about you want to find somebody who has the same vision, the same mission, the same values as you. And that was something I literally had it written out. And when I met him, I was like, this is it. This guy has it. Like we have all these things matching. It's not like I was like, oh, let me become this person so I can get this guy to be with me. Or, oh, this guy has this big vision. I have to become this new human to make it happen. It was like, fuck, we both got big fucking dreams, big fucking goals. I have to do this to make this happen for me.

And we just happen to be together. And the last thing I'll say is this. Me being in business with my husband is not one for one with supporting. Like we are business partners, right? We're also husband and wife. If we didn't work together, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be supportive.

So to everybody who has a really supportive spouse, or maybe it's a supportive husband even, supportive husband or supportive wife, just because they don't work for you or work with you doesn't mean that they're not supportive. There are so many people that are amazingly supportive that do not work with their spouse. And here's the thing, guys. Most of the time, I do not suggest people do it.

Like, we started this way from third week in dating. I don't even know what it would be like not to work together. And maybe one day we won't. I don't know. But what I will say is this. I don't see working with each other as that is the only way to support somebody at all. And I can tell you this. It's fucking not. Because we can work together and not support each other. Different skills.

Because also, how you support somebody as their spouse is different than how you support them as their partner. And oftentimes, and many times, they're going to contradict each other. So it is quite a dynamic to manage. So please be careful what you wish for. It is much harder than it looks. And nobody here has seen, because I didn't document it, neither did Alex, the first three years of our relationship that was hard as fuck. We had so much work to do. It was so messy. There were so many uncomfortable conversations. It was worth it. But it started off same.

same mission, same vision, same values. We had a ton of work we had to do in the beginning. It was super uncomfortable. And I just don't think a lot of people can handle that. If I'm being really honest, I just like, especially looking at nowadays, how people are dating, how they're just like bouncing from person to person. I'm just like, I don't think anybody can handle this anymore. I feel like it's like a dying breed. And so,

There's my rant. I'll move on to the next topic. Oh, another relationship. Do you believe in destiny? Your relationship looks like destiny to me. It's too well matched. Nope. Don't believe in destiny. I really like, I believe that you could go on a deserted island and if they stuck you with somebody and you were there long enough, say two months, I believe you'd be in love with them. Why? I believe a lot of love is from proximity. It's from circumstances and that you can do a lot to facilitate it. I don't believe that it's destiny.

And I also certainly don't believe it's destiny from swiping on Bumble. I believe it's two people with high standards finally finding somebody who meets their standards and they were able to wait it out long enough to do so. I do think a lot of people lack patience when it comes to finding somebody and they also lack persistence, which is, you know, anytime somebody says I can't find a guy, I'm like, I really just don't think anybody believes me and anybody hears me. Like I went on a date a week for a year and a half, a date a week for a year and a half.

Do that and come back to me. And if you haven't found somebody, like I remember I tried to cancel the date without. I was so over it. I was so sick of it. I was like, I'm done. I don't even know. This guy's gonna be a fucking fuck boy, whatever. Like I don't, I'm not even gonna try. And what do you know? That last date that I tried to cancel ended up being the person

that I've now spent the last eight years with, nine years with. So I'll just say that. I don't believe in destiny. I think it's a really sweet idea, but I believe, truly, I truly believe if I died, Alex would find somebody else that he could be super happy with. I don't know if he'd want to, but I think he absolutely could. All right, let's spin. What supplements do you take? I don't take supplements. I take gummy bears, like, what do you call them? Like the gummy vitamins, you know? Because I don't know. I don't like the pills. It's just like,

But the gummies, it's like a little treat in the morning or at night. I have like the women's multivitamin. Probably not even effective, but it tastes good. All right, I'm going to do, how do I regain the love I had for my dream? That's tough. I think for a lot of people, when they think of like the love they have for their dream, I think that they have, you have to kind of take a step back and say, think about like this. Questions, I'm sorry, feelings are fleeting.

Right? And so to say, how do I get the love back? That's just a feeling. And oftentimes, feelings are circumstantial. And so usually when people say they don't have love for their dream, it's because things got hard. Like they were trying to make their dream come true, and it was harder than they thought it was going to be. They were on their way to doing something great, and then something really bad happened. They had somebody really supporting them, and then it went to shit.

And so usually it's not that you've lost love for your dream. It's that the process has been so hard that you said, I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know if love's enough. That's really what you're saying, right? And so what you actually have to do is you have to act your way back into love. You have to do the reps when there's no desire to do them. You have to strip away all the outcomes, just focus on the process. And then the thing is, is that the love for it will return when you stop chasing it.

And you just start doing the actions that you did when you were actually, quote, feeling in love with it. It's like emotion follows motion. So you probably stopped doing the things that made you love it because you started doing other things and those things led to punishment. And now you say that you don't love it anymore. And so the question is really like, what did you stop doing, right, that you used to do when you felt like you loved it? Or what did you start doing that you didn't do when you used to love it?

And then you trace your steps back. That's it. That's why like a lot of people, I mean, if you were to equate it to like a relationship, they're like, oh, we have to start dating again. It's like, oh, let's think of all the actions that led to us loving each other. And then people realize, oh gosh, we stopped doing all that. You know, we used to date, you know, it's like, oh yeah, we just have to remember what were those things and let's go back to them. All right, let's do another spin. Layla's personal thoughts on the business influencer space.

I don't really think about it. This might be hard to believe, but I do not even really know who's in it besides the couple people I'm friends with. I just, I will, if I find somebody and they have good stuff, I will follow them. But I'm always really cognizant because I just don't want to like accidentally absorb their juju or start saying things like somebody else will say. So like, I don't look much into it. I don't listen to other people's content. I don't know the last time I watched a YouTube video that wasn't mine or Alex's.

I don't really listen to a lot of other podcasts. I don't get my inspiration from other people in the business space, nor do I get a lot of what I'm learning. You know, I have my own mentors, coaches, you know, that help me. And I usually a lot of the stuff I learned that applies to business is just stuff that I learned for my life. So my thoughts on the business influencer space, I would say this, like anybody who's putting good content out there, who's helping people, I applaud.

I think it's unfortunate that there's a lot of people that don't do that, and that are just shitty, and lying, and faking it. Those people I fucking despise, so I will not hold that back. Like, I definitely have met those people. I definitely have seen them. They definitely, like...

Yeah, lots of snakes. So if you are somebody who's looking for somebody in the business influencer space, and you're like, I would like somebody to help me grow my business, like vet the fucking people you're talking to. Like make sure what they say that they've done is actually what they've done. Most people just do that. They don't actually, they haven't actually done anything. It's like, they don't even like they're, they are making a business off of giving you advice about making a business.

So be careful. All right, let's do one last one. Will the pain from enduring hardships last forever? No, it will not. If you don't keep beating yourself up and keep ruminating on it. It's the thing is like people who are successful go through just as much hardship as people that aren't. The only difference is how they respond to it.

And the difference is that they get back up and they try again. They don't take it personally. They don't ruminate on it. They don't let 10 minutes turn into 10 days, turn into 10 years, turn into like a decade, right? And oftentimes, if you look at people who feel a lot of pain from hardship, it's because they lack resilience. It's not that you need the hardship to be less hard. It's that you need to be harder than it. How do you become harder? Resilience.

Like being able to let the hardships make you better, not worse. And that's how I measure my own resiliency, which is like, does it make me better or worse? And I've had a tough year and it's not over yet. We're not even halfway through. But I'd made a really important mental switch for myself, which was like, yeah, this is probably the most, some of the hardest stuff I've gone through in a while, but how can I use it to make me better? And that frame alone turned it from

feeling like a hardship to feeling like valuable lessons, to feeling like a period of my life that taught me a lot. And I think it's just having that frame shift. Like, your circumstances changing aren't going to make this any better for you. I promise you that. But you changing how you look at your circumstances will.