The Truth About Approval and Identity | Ep 291
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The question that you want to ask yourself is, is this thing that they're approving of me of, is this aligned with my values? If it is, that's amazing because it's like, great, now me acting in accordance with my values also is something a lot of people tend to like. But we don't want to do it just because other people like it if it's not in alignment with our values.

What's up guys, welcome back to Build, and today I want to talk about applause and criticism. So the reason I want to talk about this is because I have been sent recently like quite a few things from people. People just, you know,

talking about me on the internet, which, you know, don't Google your name if you have following on the internet, because I never do that stuff. Like I'm aware of what people say. I just don't go looking for it. You know, the person who sent me was a friend and I think she was trying to like look out for me. She's like, Hey, I just want to send this to you because I don't know if you've seen like this person is like talking about you and look at all the stuff they're saying. And to be fair, like I never send people negative things people say about them because I just don't see the point. I'm like, what is somebody's opinion? It is what it is.

And I was reading it and I was like, I completely understand why this person sees me this way. Does that mean I liked it? No, I definitely didn't like it. Like I don't like reading things about me that are negative, but I'm like not incredibly bothered by it. And I really want to just like walk you guys through why that is because it was absolutely criticizing me and just trying to dismantle like things I talk about online, the way I live my life, et cetera, which again, I don't understand why people do that, but like, you

It is very common. So here we are. And I wanted to give you guys kind of the frame that I've had to take over the last four years of being more public, of not just like running the company, but also like documenting, running the company, documenting my life, you know, knowing that I was going to get criticism. I just want to share some of my frameworks for that, how I think it through and what my perspective is. And I also just want to preface this with this. For those of you who haven't been following me for a long time and

And maybe you're like, I don't know what you're talking about. A lot of you're like, oh my gosh, I just love you. Like it was not like that in the beginning, guys. Like it was not like that in the beginning at all. People did not like me. Like I think it was like I really noticed a shift around when I had like, I want to say across platforms, like 300,000 to 500,000 followers. But like prior to that, I got shit on left and right. Specifically, I got shit on for like a couple things, which is like number one was my voice. Like people were constantly criticizing my voice. They're like,

you sound like Ben Shapiro or you sound like you used to be a guy or you sound like you're a smoker or you're on steroids. And that was not something I anticipated. Like I knew my voice was like deeper and raspy, but like I've never had anybody in real life say anything like that to me. So like I didn't anticipate it. The second thing people said is that people were like, you're just Alex's secretary. Like you don't know what you're talking about. She's riding his coattails. She's a gold digger. And that was like actually just as bothersome to me because, you know, when I met Alex,

we did not have any of this, right? He had his gyms and it's not like he had a ton of money saved up for that. And that wasn't why I wanted to go out with him. And then we built everything together, but I wasn't public. I wasn't the public eye. I didn't talk about it. And I didn't, I've just always been insecure. And so I never took any credit. And so people just defaulted to this. And of course, because we're partners and he's my husband and he is who he is. And he's very powerful and an amazing man. I think people just assumed that I could not be my own person and that

I'm his secretary, right? So that was the second thing. And then, you know, the third thing that I got was just like, I'm too intense. I'm too serious.

I'm too whatever, right? And all of those things combined, like really bothered me for the first 12 months, maybe 18 months I was making content until I embodied these perspectives and principles and like really believed them. I think that's what it is. It's like, I just believed them. Like, I think I heard them in the past, but I just didn't believe them. And so many of you reach out to me and you're like, I started posting content and I get so much criticism. I started posting content. I started saying these things to my team. I want to, it's like,

you want permission to do the thing you want to do, but you don't need permission. You could do it, but it's not that you don't want permission is that you don't want judgment. Right. And the reality is that I've just realized is like the more that I don't seek to ask for permission as to like what content I want to post, how I want to run my company, how I want to run my life, what I want to wear, how I want to act, how I want to talk, what kind of content I want to make. Like I get more criticism, but I also have more myself and I'm happier.

And I like who I am more than when I'm succumbing to the criticism or praise of others. And so here's the truth, right? The truth is that if you let people define you, good or bad, right? Whether you're getting applause or you're getting criticism, you spend your entire life

your entire life becoming a reflection of their preferences instead of a reflection of your own. Because what you're doing is you're living your life in a way where you try to avoid them saying anything bad about you, which means that you value their opinions of you more than you value yourself. So what does that make you? What do you become? You become a reflection of their preferences. And

And so that is what completely changed my view about judgment and criticism and how I live my life according to my values, because I realized that no matter how much success you stack up, no matter what you accomplish, no matter if you accomplish all the things that you think are going to prove all these people wrong, because guess what? I've been there too. And I sometimes have a trip on my shoulder and feel the same way. You're still going to be misunderstood, right? You're also still going to be applauded, but you'll still be torn apart.

And often by the same people. You're gonna have people who clap for you, and then you have people who talk shit behind your back. And sometimes it's the same person.

And it sucks. And so the reality is this: what I've learned is that if you don't anchor your identity somewhere solid, somewhere that can't be defeated by what they say about you that's good and what they say about you that's bad, you will drift into becoming a reflection of the preferences of other people. And I don't think there's a greater hell that you can live in other than one where you are literally just a ghost that exists because you are trying to be what everyone wants you to be.

And so I broke this down into like three sections that I want to talk about with you guys. The first one being that applause and praise is not a North Star. I think that oftentimes, especially now with social media, like I'm really grateful that I like had a life prior to social media. I'm still very immersed in it, but like it's not some

something I feel like addicted to, right? And I think a lot of people came up in this. And so it's really easy to get to see that there's no other perspective other than that, right? It is the real world. There's no separation between the two. And because of that, it's like praise and applause actually become one of the easiest addictions to justify, especially when you're building something, whether it's like yourself, your business, a relationship, and people start to notice, right? And especially if you grew up and you were not applauded for much, like I completely understand that. Like I was made fun of, I was bullied, I was not applauded for,

But here's the thing. It's not a North Star for you.

Because somebody else applauding you, somebody else praising you, is just someone else expressing a preference. It's not a value. It's not a law. And it's certainly not a truth. It's just they're applauding you because you are acting in a way that they prefer you act. Really think about it. Like, try and dismantle that argument because I don't see anything being closer to the truth than that. And once I realized that, I felt like, holy shit.

Even when people applaud me, it doesn't mean that I should keep doing the thing. It doesn't mean that I should live my life that way because maybe I don't like doing the thing they applauded me for. Maybe I don't want to fuck with it anymore. Maybe I'm just over it. Maybe I liked it for a minute, but I want to change. And so someone liking what you said, what you wore and posted on social media, how you run your business, how you speak, that's just their preference and their interpretation of the situation.

It's not like objective confirmation that you're on the right track in life. And I know that sounds obvious when I say it, but we don't treat it that way. We treat people liking our posts as this is what I should do more of just because other people like it. And it's not objective confirmation that we're on the right track because it probably

Because preferences, right, they're based on emotions, not on values. Values are based on principles. And so if you're constantly chasing preference because what it gets you is approval, you're not going to get results. Because when people, for example, now, right, when people cheer me on, I appreciate it, but I don't need it.

Why? Because I've already decided what I stand for. I already understand where my values are rooted. I already know what I want for my life. And sometimes, sometimes I, for example, make content and everyone's like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. We need to make more. I'm like, oh my God, I'm never making that again. And they're like, why? And I'm like, it's just not, it's something I really want to talk about. Like, it's just not something that I like feel comfortable

excited to make content about? Did it hit? Did it hit with the platforms that people want to hear it? Sure. But like, I just don't, I just don't fuck with it right now. And like, if other people like it, great, but like, I don't. So it is what it is. It's not aligned with my values. And so as you are living your life, whether it's your company, your spouse, your friends, whoever it is, just because somebody likes something you're doing doesn't mean it's something you should keep doing. The question that you want to ask yourself is, is this thing that they're approving of me of,

Is this aligned with my values? If it is, that's amazing because it's like, great, now me acting in accordance with my values also is something a lot of people tend to like, which, hey, that feels good. I'm not going to say it doesn't feel good. It does. But we don't want to do it just because other people like it if it's not in alignment with our values. Now, the second side and the side that I think many more people talk about and will continue to talk about and I will spend a little bit more time on is criticism. And it's this understanding that, and I really want you guys to like,

Please fucking just listen to what I'm saying here. Like, really hear this message. Criticism reveals so much more about them than about you. Now, hear me here, okay? On the flip side, criticism can sting and it can suck and it can feel fucking terrible and...

even more than praise feels good, right? But what is that, right? What is criticism really? Criticism is often when something about you, something you did makes somebody else uncomfortable and they don't know how to manage that discomfort. And so what do they do? They outsource it.

They blame you. They label you. They diminish you. They demean you. Judgment is often another word for unmanaged discomfort. I really want you guys to think about this because we all judge people. I am not...

And by the way, I judge people too, for sure. In fact, I judge people who judge people. When I saw that post where this person was just dismantling me, I clicked on their profile and the first thing I'm thinking was like, well, you're never going to fucking have this or have that or have my life or this or that. You're going to suck and you're never going to find what you want. My brain goes there for sure. I just don't say it on social media. But for the...

first three seconds that I read that post, I'm like thinking of how I'm going to dismantle this person and make them feel like absolute shit. And then I'm like, I pull myself out of it. I'm like, oh my gosh, they are just uncomfortable with the way I live my life. They would prefer I live my life another way. And so they are criticizing me for the way I live my life because it makes them uncomfortable. Now, here's the next thing I want to say. Why does it make me uncomfortable to read her criticism? And why does it make her uncomfortable to watch my life?

It makes her uncomfortable to see my life because there's likely something about it that makes her uncomfortable because it contradicts the way she sees the world. It conflicts with the truth. Maybe it's because she wants to believe that women who are married in a relationship cannot be successful business people. You have to be single to grow a successful business. If you do it with your partner, it's not you that gets the credit, right? It's actually your partner who did it.

Right? You can't be a strong, empowering woman when you're married to a man. Maybe that's her belief about the world. And she sees me and then she says, well, fuck, that contradicts my belief. I want to tear her down.

I want to tear her down and say all the reasons why she's not actually who she says she is. She's not actually that good a business. She's not actually in love with her partner. She's not actually these things because then I feel better. I get to keep my belief, right? I get to keep my belief. And that's what we're all doing most of the time. We tear people down. We're trying to defend our beliefs so that we don't have to widen our perspective to say life is uncertain and there are so many things that work and don't work.

Now, why did I, in my mind, criticize her after I read that post? Because I was reading it and hearing the way she was speaking. And essentially, as she was dismantling why I was not successful, there were pieces to it where that made me really uncomfortable because I felt like

well, gosh, could some of that be true? Oh, gosh, like, is there any truth to this at all? And at the same time, I'm uncomfortable with the fact that somebody who talks poorly about other people can succeed. And that's what I really dismantled mine down to, which was like, oh, my gosh, is there truth to this? I don't know. And then I was like, I mean, maybe, yeah, there's definitely truth to some of it. Like some of what she's saying, I can totally see that. Yes, I am that way sometimes. Yes, I can see how somebody wouldn't like me for that. Okay, fuck, I get it. But then I was like,

wait, why am I so uncomfortable with this? And that's when I realized that that was the real reason. It's because I have a hard time accepting that bad people can make good things happen in their life, that bad people can be successful. I thought like, oh, if you're bad, you're eventually going to not succeed. You're going to get caught. And I have learned, I know how naive that sounds, by the way. I've learned that being a good person doesn't mean that that's the only thing that's going to cause you to succeed. In fact, bad people succeed all the time. And she contradicted that belief because she was clarifying

criticizing me, tearing me down, et cetera. And she's somebody who's successful. And so I felt uncomfortable. I was like, I can't believe that this person who's talking shit, who's not adding any value to the world is successful. And of course I kept that to myself. But what was that for me? That was just unmanaged discomfort. Now,

Now, luckily, I have awareness of this. And so I was like, obviously, I'm not going to go on there and go unhinged and just like light her up on social media as she did me because I don't even know this woman. However, it was really good for me to realize that because, guys, you can take this for any situation. When somebody criticizes you, what belief does their criticism or the fact that they're expressing criticism contradict about what you believe to be true about the world, right? And then when they're criticizing you, what did you do to make them so uncomfortable? Oh.

Oh, I had this guy, you know, he's relentless. I think on every platform he's made a post about me and just like how I'm very intense, how I work too much, how I must be miserable. And he promotes work-life balance and how to make like 10 million being a solopreneur and like only work four hours a day. And I'm like, dude, I, one, like live your life like amazing for you if that's what you want to do. Like,

that's just not, it's just not for me. It's not what I want to do right now. And I was, but at the same time, I was like, okay, what is it about me that makes him so uncomfortable? I'm like, I think what makes him uncomfortable is the fact that I am as successful as I am. And I don't talk about the things that he would prefer I talk about. He,

He would prefer that I talk about, you know, how to balance work and life. He would prefer that I believed that the world should be fair and we should be able to have an immense amount of success and not sacrifice things. Like all these things that he would prefer I believe so that he can keep his beliefs. And so if you see the pattern here, it's just like criticism always reveals more about them than it does about you. And because they're not even talking about you. They're expressing a feeling of

that they don't know how to regulate. That's it, right? This woman doesn't know how to regulate her emotions, so she has to talk about me in order to regulate them. So take this for what it is. If somebody says to you, hey, you're too intense, you're too masculine, you're too hard charging, you're too feminine, you're too soft, you're too insert anything they say. That's not a value statement.

It's a preference. So they're saying, I don't know how to handle this intensity. I don't know how to handle this competitiveness. I don't know how to handle this softness. I don't know how to handle this femininity, this masculinity. And that is their discomfort. That's not your problem. And so

You don't need to ignore all the feedback, ignore the criticism, but you do want to filter it through your values. And I think that's the important distinction because when somebody criticizes me, I ask myself, well, does me acting in this way that I'm acting right now that they just criticized me for, does it align with my values or not? That's the question.

And if it doesn't, if I was like, nah, I was a little unhinged that day, like it doesn't really align with my values. I'm like, all right, fuck it, move on. Right. I learned from that. But if it does align with my values, I'm like, great, then I'm going to also move on and just keep living my life how I live my life. And so at the end of the day, like you are the filter for your values. And I think that's the biggest distinction. Right. Which brings me to my last point that I want to make for you guys, which is that you choose your values. Right. You don't inherit them. One of the first things that

that I ask myself when I'm doing something, when I'm reflecting on the things I do, where my time goes, how I spend my life. I ask myself this question, are you doing this because it aligns with your values?

or because it avoids judgment? In the past, I didn't have very good answers to that question because a lot of the time, I didn't even have one, clear enough values. Two, I realized that I did a lot of things to avoid judgment. And so what I live by now is this. Values are not feelings. Values are decisions. You don't find them and you don't feel them. You pick them intentionally. And I think it's hard because like a lot of people inherit values from their parents, maybe religion, maybe institutions,

Instagram. And then they're like, I don't know why this feels so terrible and off track, right? I'm living a life of my values. But it's because they didn't consciously choose their values. But when you consciously choose, like these are the values I want to live my life by, and then you act in alignment with them, life gets so much simpler. And I wouldn't say it gets easier. I think sometimes it gets harder, but it does get simpler. Now, why does it get simpler? One, you stop chasing applause.

You're not looking to get applause from other people. You're looking to live in alignment with your values. The second thing, you stop running from criticism, right? You recognize that part of the equation, like the trade-off you make for having really strong values is that you will be criticized. And you actually understand that being criticized is sometimes...

a good thing because it means that you're so potently living out your values that people that don't fuck with your values, don't align with your values, don't have the same values will run away from you. And then you just get to do what's aligned with you. You get to do the stuff that makes you happy. You get to do the stuff that lets you live your life in a way that feels good to you and is aligned with the decisions that you want to make to be the person you want to be.

And I really think that that's where real confidence comes from because a lot of people ask me, how do I get over criticism? How do I deal with all these people judging me? And it's like, you don't. Like, it happens.

You just anchor so deeply in your values that it makes all the criticism worth it. I don't know what else to say to that. And I will say this. I think that that's the kind that really matters because I think like the I'm amazing and I'm beautiful the way I am. Like all those things like that energy that doesn't work for me. I don't I don't like have the fake confidence energy, but like grounding energy, the kind that comes from like keeping the promises we make to ourselves, being the person we want to be behind closed doors, no matter how other people respond.

Like that's what matters to me and that's what makes me feel like I have lived a full life and I'm proud of who I am. And so just remember the next time somebody says you're too this, you're too that, you're too much, you're too intense, you're too soft, you're too feminine, you're too masculine, that's how they manage their discomfort. It doesn't mean that you need to believe them. It doesn't mean you need to do anything about it. As long as it's aligned with your values, you just keep living how you're living. So you don't need people to understand you. You need to understand your values. Applause

doesn't mean you're right. And criticism doesn't mean you're wrong. And the only judgment that matters is your own measured against what you've chosen to stand for. I appreciate you guys listening today. I hope this helps you if you're getting criticized by people. Or maybe if you need a lot of praise and it's for something that you don't even enjoy doing, it isn't really aligned with your life. I hope this helped you. Send it to a friend if you know a friend struggling with this. I hope this helps. I love you guys. I'll see you on the next one.