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cover of episode Throwback: Why You Should Stop Saying Sorry | Ep 293

Throwback: Why You Should Stop Saying Sorry | Ep 293

2025/7/4
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Build with Leila Hormozi

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Leila Hormozi: 我认为,与其仅仅口头道歉,不如用实际行动来证明你已经认识到错误并决心改正。口头道歉显得很懒惰,而制定行动计划并努力改变自己的行为,这才是真正的道歉。不要把精力放在道歉上,而是要努力避免犯错。如果有人做了错事,不要用“我不是故意的”来辩解,因为行为本身就定义了你。重要的是你的行为和别人对你的看法,而不是你无法证明的想法和感受。如果允许某人说了道歉的话后继续之前的行为,那么这个循环会一直持续。没人会故意欺负别人,重要的是你的行为。你的行为定义了你,而不是你的意图。如果道歉后没有行为改变,那么道歉毫无意义。如果某人欺负了别人,并且屡教不改,为什么还要留他在团队里?欺凌行为会对团队和业务产生负面影响。不愿承认某人是欺凌者,会导致业务受损。帮助他人改变行为是有前提的,要考虑自身能力和投入产出比。即使你有能力帮助别人改变,也不意味着你应该这样做。帮助他人改变行为要考虑范围和投入回报,将精力放在最有潜力的人身上。重要的不是是否犯错,而是犯错的频率和趋势。比起原谅,更重要的是如何防止再次发生。可以直接说下次会怎么做,而不用道歉和原谅。过度沉溺于负面情绪是一种反刍,对前进没有帮助。关注未来和行动,而不是过去的负面情绪。不要沉溺于情绪,这是一种自我设限。用行动来道歉,展示你已经吸取了教训。改变行为才意味着真正吸取了教训。降低情绪反应和减少道歉是两个重要的个人成长方向。有时候道歉只是习惯,并没有实际意义。用其他更有效的表达方式代替“对不起”。专注于未来,而不是过去的错误。指出下一步该怎么做,而不是一直强调过去的错误。

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Leila Hormozi challenges the notion that simply saying "sorry" constitutes a genuine apology. She emphasizes the importance of demonstrating change through actions and concrete plans rather than relying on empty words. This is particularly relevant in professional settings where bullying-like behaviors are addressed.
  • Saying sorry without a plan for change is ineffective.
  • Actions demonstrate learning and commitment more than words.
  • Consequences for bullying behaviors should be implemented, regardless of intent.

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If you really want to apologize, show them with your actions that you agree it was unacceptable, if it was. And I think that saying words to somebody seems lazy, in my opinion. Committing to an action plan and putting in the work to change your behavior demonstrates an apology, in my opinion. It means they learned.

How do you create an unshakable business? I crossed $100 million in net worth by the age of 28. Now I'm growing acquisition.com into a billion dollar portfolio. In this podcast, I share the lessons I've learned in scaling big businesses and helping our portfolio companies do the same. Buckle up and let's build. There's been like multiple situations recently where different people have acted a certain way that has been mean, just like bullying.

But then they apologize and then say, that's not what I meant to do. And I'm like, I don't give a, like instead of getting good at apologizing, get good at just not doing the thing, you're doing something else. And so that was kind of where it came from was when I was talking about like the jealousy one, I think was top of mind a few days ago, but this one was probably more top of mind because it felt like, I think there's this fallacy that like, oh, if somebody says these words to me, I should then ensure there are no consequences because

I'm like saying words like you don't need to apologize, demonstrate that you've learned. And I think that a lot of the times it also means like people say, because I didn't intend to do something that I am not a bully. I didn't mean to bully the person. Therefore, I'm not a bully. Okay, well, what constitutes a bully? And it's just frustrated me lately because I think I've had a lot of conversations with people who have said, no, I am not punishing. Well, you are because you do it.

And you cannot prove the existence of these thoughts or feelings that you say that you have. And even if you do, they are irrelevant to the fact that you acted in this way. Therefore, you are perceived in that way. And so I think it's interesting because it's something I noticed on the quarterlies too, which was there was a decent amount of leaders that

exhibited bully-like behavior to their teams. And I was on there and said, "I do not think this person is a good fit. "It has been clear that they have shown us "that they will say these words, "you allow them to keep doing what they're doing, "and then they just do it again, "and then say these words, and then you, "there's no consequence in order." And so the cycle continues to happen.

And because of that, they say the same thing every time, which is, well, they didn't mean to do that. They didn't mean to come off that way. They didn't intend to be mean to the person. And the question I shoot back at them is, so who does? Does anybody intend to be a complete bully to people? No, they do the thing. And so like the thoughts that are coming through your head or the feelings or the

desire for something else to occur is irrelevant because now you are a bully to that person because you acted as one. I wouldn't say you are a bully, you acted as a bully in those situations. And so it's just been a really interesting because I've noticed this cycle of somebody does a thing that is, I would say like puts their job at risk.

Then they apologize for doing the thing and they're very good at apologizing. And so everyone says, oh, they didn't mean to. And now they get to keep their job. There's no punishment. There's no consequences, nothing. I wouldn't say punishment. There's no behavior change. There's no feedback given. There's no, and then on their side, sometimes there is feedback given and there's no demonstration of change. And so why is this person still on the team if

They have bullied somebody. You have told them not to bully somebody and told them what to do instead. They have not done that and instead just done the same thing again three times. Now the whole team avoids them and hides from them and you keep them on the team anyways. And I just feel frustrated about it because I can see this behavior and now I think it's really interesting because what I see is that that department that that person represents is

Is what you would say is like the most prominent or strong department. And then all of the others of those, like, for example, there's one where it's like a marketing department. And then the two closest departments, sales and customer success, have gotten worse while this department's gotten better. Do I think that's because of the skill of the person or the fact that this person bullies these two people?

And so you see how it translates into the performance of the business, which is frustrating because they all point like, I think it's the onboarding deck or that. I'm like, it's the fact that Sally is a bully and she bullies the head of sales and the head of customer success. And so then they don't perform in their job. They don't apply discretionary effort. And because of that, the business suffers. And it's the unwillingness of somebody to say, hey, you know what? That person is a bully. They're acting like one. And so I don't want to have them on my team.

And the next national thought is a lot of leaders like, but I should be helping them change. Do you have the skill to help them change? Do you have access to somebody who does have the skill? Is that within the scope of your job? So there's a lot of questions that it leads to. And it's just, I have realized that there's a pattern a lot of people have, which is if somebody says, I'm sorry, then is like, okay, there are no consequences and there is no feedback. Oh, they're sorry. We shouldn't do anything. If you behave like a mean person, people perceive you as a mean person.

No thought or feeling that you claim to have had, which they cannot prove the existence of, is going to change their mind. They just have the evidence, which is that you acted in, you said these words to me, you raised your hands, you raised your voice, you threatened me, you told me you were going to fire me if I didn't do these things. And so to that person, you have acted like a bully. Whether you meant to or not, doesn't really matter. I think most people do things because other people do things. So...

It is, in many cases, socially acceptable or it's normal that when somebody says, I'm sorry, we excuse the behavior and do not expect them to change or anything. We don't put a plan in place. If somebody was really sorry, they would change their behavior. Like I've realized for myself, even with like Alex, for example, I will say I'm sorry, but I actually say, I am sorry. Here's what I'm going to do moving forward. And then I commit to a plan with myself of how I'm going to change my behavior.

And so I don't think, oh, me saying I'm sorry is going to change the relationship or make it better, right? Saying I'm sorry isn't going to make our relationship better. It's not going to change my behavior. Me putting a plan in place and determining what I need to do differently is going to make it better. Hey guys, if you already don't know by now, I am actually fairly active on LinkedIn. I may go so far as to say it's actually become my favorite platform. So if you'd like to connect with me, just send me a request or hit follow. And shout out those who've been sharing my posts and tagging others.

I would say it's commitment to a plan, which you could make on your own or you could collaborate with the person depending on what kind of relationship it is. The same goes for intimate relationships, couples fighting. A lot of the time, somebody will do something bad or unethical to the other partner and then they will say, I'm sorry, and then they get back together. And then...

Eventually after like, because punishment fades, say four or six weeks later, the same thing happens. They say, I'm sorry. They get back together. But the frequency continues to go up and it happens faster and faster until eventually like something happens, right? Which is usually ends. But it's like, wouldn't you want to end it before that happens? But I think the way to resolve it is what I've given advice to people who have asked me is, what are you going to do differently due to this mistake or mishap? Like what behavior will you change?

And sometimes that means asking the person, asking your boss, asking your spouse, asking your friend, what can I do differently next time? If you don't know, ask. I find value in trying to understand what somebody was thinking when they made a mistake. I find less value in treating it differently because I know why.

For example, on a team, if somebody does something that exhibits punishing behavior to my team, and I represent somebody who I don't do that with my team. I do not intentionally punish people or threaten people to get them to change their behavior, right? And I think we all know that. If somebody else on my team were to do that, and then later, and they did it in front of a team, say in front of a group of people, 10 people, 15 people, but then later they tell me why they did it, and it was a reason that

I'm like, okay, them thinking these things, it made sense because in their past, they were reinforced for acting that way. Okay, well, how long will it take me to change their behavior? How long will it take for the team not to be terrified of that person? Can I afford that in my business?

And so sometimes in business, it's like you sacrifice one for the many. It's like determining who's on and off the bus, I think is really imperative. And it's, the world is not perfect. Like even if I have the skill to change someone's behavior, I have to ask myself realistically, like how much time is that going to take? What's my ROI? What's my return on my effort for changing that person's behavior? Could I get a larger return if I put my efforts onto the people who don't have these adverse behaviors?

Or if I got somebody new, because maybe it would take me six months to change this person's behavior. And all the meanwhile, like the team probably like still isn't going, they're not interacting with that person. They're not having those interactions. They're not seeing any progress made. And so they just have this perception that that's what is okay with Layla. I think a better question to ask is like understanding, like for me, it's understanding what is within my scope as somebody's boss.

in terms of helping change their behavior. Because I tend to reach outside my scope because I have the ability and I've demonstrated that to myself in many relationships in my life that I could. But just because you can doesn't mean you should. And so I think

It's asking yourself, like, given this relationship, what is within my scope of work? What is worth my return on effort? If you took that effort that you put to helping that one person change for eight months and you had the likelihood of like maybe 50%, whatever. But if you took that and you spread it around all of your team or onto the two people with the most potential, like how much more return would you get on your effort? Nobody is perfect. But my question is,

How frequently does it happen? If somebody f***s up one time a year, more than one time a year, within the context of a certain situation, if they f*** up once a year, okay. But if they f*** up every week. So I think it has more, like for me, it has to do with the frequency of the f*** ups. And if, is the frequency going up or down? And so if it's going down, I would say that's progress. If it's going up, I would say that that's not progressing. Like, what does it mean to forgive somebody? I think a lot of the times when we say like, oh, I forgive you. It's like, I excuse that behavior.

I think something that would be more productive would be like, I understand you are human. What can we do to prevent that behavior from happening again? It's interesting because it's like, what's actually happening with somebody when they apologize? Like, I don't know, this is occurring to me the day. I'm like, somebody apologizes and somebody says, I forgive you. It's like nothing, nothing's happening. And so if no action is coming from that, people are just saying words to people, what's the point in either? You could just skip all of it and just say, I will do this differently next time and here's what I'm going to do.

You could not even apologize. And they could not even forgive you. You could just say, I'm going to do this differently next time. I don't know if you can physically release an emotion. What I have found for myself is that I was told for a very long time, you shouldn't bottle up your emotions. You should really feel them and allow them to move through your body and really allow yourself to really...

to really feel the experience. And I actually think that that is a form of rumination in many of the times. I also don't understand what is that doing for me? I'm reliving something that was a negative experience and like,

feeling more sad or more depressed or more frustrated? How does feeling more of a negative emotion help me move forward? I'm just speaking from personal experience. Like I've had therapists who were like, we want to think about your, I'm like, I don't know anything about anything. But what I have noticed is that when I focus on the future and what I'm going to do next, I'm much happier. When I'm focusing on an emotion tied to a past event, I feel much more anxious and depressed. I really try and I think I've gotten a lot better at it and a lot faster.

to not indulge in an emotion. I think that's the word, indulge in an emotion. It's a disempowering stance to be in. It's like purposely making yourself the victim of a feeling. Why would I ever purposely make myself the victim of anything? And so I think that when you say,

I didn't like that. That felt bad. But I'm going to do this moving forward. Or, hey, I didn't like what that person did. It felt bad. It's obviously not that bad. If you really want to apologize, show them with your actions that you agree it was unacceptable, if it was. And I think that saying words to somebody seems lazy, in my opinion. I think committing to an action plan and putting in the work to change your behavior demonstrates an apology, in my opinion. It means they learned.

A mistake occurred, they changed their behavior. That means they learned. You can't say you learned your lesson until you do something differently. You did not learn the lesson because if you did, you would act differently. I think there's two things that I focus on as of right now, which is one, lowering my emotional reactivity when I'm upset. So remaining neutral and not showing my emotion because I do not think it's helpful if I'm upset to show that I'm upset because then the other person gets upset and then it escalates.

And so I try really hard to focus on that. And that is probably like, if I were to look at like my job and where I get the most return on effort, lowering my emotional reactivity has had like the highest return on effort that I've had with anything for all of my relationships, both work and personal. I would say a second piece is probably yes being, I would say yes being less apologetic, mostly because I think when I say it, I say it because I've always said it, not because it means anything.

Like, I think that it's a, I could probably be more articulate in those situations, but it's usually like in a moment where I feel guilty for something. And then I say, I'm sorry, rather than avoiding the apology because I don't see how that's a positive for the person I'm even delivering it to. Because the moment, if anyone actually catches me and says like, you don't need to apologize. Like, why did I do that? I think that I often apologize for things that happen to people that I love that are outside of my control. Why? I don't know.

I don't think it means anything. I think you just say it because other people say it probably. I think if I really wanted to change that, I would probably just find a different word to say rather than like, I'm sorry. I think that it would be more effective if somebody stated what they learned and what they're committed to doing next. And then you just focus on the future. Even if like when I mess up, I think I've gotten much better at not dwelling in my own mistakes because

I just focus on, well, all that energy that if I spend it dwelling on the mistake I've made, I steal it from the energy I could have taken to move myself forward. I think it's the same for other people. If Alex makes a mistake, if a direct report of mine makes a mistake and I continue to have them focus on the mistake, I would say that that's probably more likely they'll make the mistake again, not more likely that they're going to improve and commit to and be successful in the next steps that they take to improve.

Because they're too busy fixating on the feeling, the mistake, feeling crappy about it because I'm pointing to it. But if you point to do this next, then they're focused on what they do next, not on the thing that happened. The only thing I can give you an example of is like when somebody is, means to send an email about someone who like, and then they send it to the person. I think it's just that. So