“I Deserve It? Question Mark?” | Self-Care
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Welcome to More Better, a podcast where we stop pretending to have it all together and embrace the journey of becoming a little more better every day. Or at least, we're trying. We're trying to. That's Stephanie Beatrice. That's Melissa Fumero.

Hey. How are you doing? How's everyone at home doing? How are you doing? Are you doing the things? Are you living the lives? We're doing the things. We're living the lives. I find summertime very just like freeing. I don't know if it's like...

The artist part of me is like the schedule gets looser. I let them stay up a little later, let them have extra treats, just like whatever. And I kind of thrive in that a bit.

than when we're in the like rigid schedule of school during the year, you know? I totally understand that it's the opposite for some people and summer is really hard. And it's definitely like, listen, I put my kid in camp. I keep him busy. Like, you know, I still am not trying to like have him home all day every day. Like, you know, set up the play dates, whatever.

I don't know if you want to mark this, if our producers want to mark this moment here for Melissa's children to look up in the future for their therapy. Yes. Yes. You just want to time mark this part. Yeah. Where I'm saying I don't want them home all day, every day. I don't want my home, my kids' home. Again, when they have children, they will understand. And I love them dearly. If they choose to have children, they will understand. And if they choose not to, they'll be like, I don't know what you're talking about. Hopefully you really fucked me up. Yeah.

You know what? I'll pay for the therapy. It's going to be okay. I trust. How are you? I'm good. I mean, you know, my child is going to start.

preschool actually it's the opposite she's gonna start she's only doing like a little bit because we have to leave the country because I have a job oh yeah um but she's gonna do like a month of preschool I'm really I'm really nervous I'm really nervous that's totally normal it's like a it's a milestone moment it

It comes with a lot of feelings. You're totally going to cry on the first day. Oh, my God. And possibly the second, third, fourth, fifth day. Oh, yeah. I already know that. And she will also cry. I already know. But then it'll be great. I will cry. You know when I'm going to cry? The first time that, like, because she's like, bye. No, the first time that, like, the teacher calls and is like, your child is a bully. Oh, my God.

producers, please mark this moment in the podcast for Stephanie's child when she's older to discuss in her therapy session about how her mother thought she was a bully. Listen, we have a very strong-willed little child and she loves to say, go away and stop. That's Miss Rachel. Please stop.

Yeah. And that song that was going around for a while. Please stop. Oh, yeah. I don't like that. I'm feeling uncomfortable. I need more space. Not around me. Don't take it personally. That's a boundary. That's a boundary. I love that song. I mean, it is. But also, I get if it's used all the time. If it is abused. I don't, personally, I don't want her to say, please stop. I need more space. Like,

That's okay. Like if she's being polite or whatever. But on the playground, I want her to be like, back the fuck up, bitch. Like I want her to be like, get away from me. You know what I mean? Don't touch me. Keep your hands to yourself. Did I tell you some kid hit her in the head at the park? Oh, no.

big kid, like a six or seven year old. Oh. I was picturing like another toddler. No, no. I saw it happen. I looked up because I heard her go, stop, like that. And I looked up and this kid reached out and popped her one. And I was like, oh shit. And I was like, what am I going to do? You know, I'm like having all these thoughts really fast. And then

Then she goes, stop it like that. And the kid hit her again. And I was like, hey, kid, like super loud, like all the moms on the playground turned around, like the dads, too. You know, all the people. Yeah. All the people on the playground turned around because they were like, oh, shit, it's my kid. That's so real. Oh, no. Is it mine? Oh, no. Is it mine? Yeah. Anyway, that's what's going on with me. That's what's going on with me. What have you done lately that's like more more better?

For yourself. You know what? For yourself. For anyone else. I am getting a massage later today. Oh, Snip Snap. And it's been a minute since I've gotten one. And I got a crick in my shoulder. And I'm real excited. And this masseuse does a little bit of Reiki. Is that how you say it? No. What's that?

So it's like some real woo-woo stuff. Wait, is this that thing where they put their hands over your body and they move the energy? Yeah, kind of.

Is this real? Is that bullshit? I have no idea. So the way that she kind of does it is, yeah, she kind of like, it's like she says she feels my energy and she feels like whatever traumas or negative things are coming out. And then we like release it and then like get into the massage. But I would tell you this woman is a witch because she a couple times. I love a witch. Has said something.

The thing that is in the back of my mind that has been like pulling me down.

And so, yeah, it's like that. And then she just like does this little like woo woo, like, and we're releasing that, we're releasing that. And then it's just like kind of nice. It's like, it's warm and fuzzy and I'm into it. And I'm also just like, listen, it's either doing nothing at all or it's doing something. But all I know is the massage is amazing and I do walk out feeling lighter. So I believe. And I do sleep really good.

I'm open to all the things. If it's not going to do harm or be negative in any way, if it's going to do nothing or it's going to help you, I'm like, let's fucking try it. What are we discussing this week? We are discussing self-care. I already knew, but we got to tell everybody. Yeah, that's what we're diving into. We're diving into self-care.

Ah, self-care. How do you feel about self-care? Well, we wanted to talk about this because like we're equally shit at it. I mean, I did start this episode by being like, I'm getting a massage later. So like today I'm doing great at it. You're doing great. That is actually great. That is great. I think I'm not consistent with it.

It's very up and down for me. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I think we both wanted to talk about this because we both struggle with the same thing, which is like, how do I do it on a regular basis? How do I do more of it? What is it for me? What is it for you? Can we like exchange ideas about, you know, how like, yeah.

I feel like I need help. I have a nice little definition here. Oh, great. Love that. Webster's Dictionary. Webster's Dictionary definition of self-care is the self-care is the practice of doing things to promote your physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health and well-being. By this definition, I have done this the other night when I watched Vanderpump. Yeah, exactly. Okay, great. I'm ahead of the game. You're nailing it.

It can help you manage stress. It can reduce your risk of illness. It can increase your energy. It can improve your happiness and it can strengthen your interpersonal relationships. That's real. I mean, I remember after having...

the baby, I was, like, really not able to take care of myself in any kind of way, shape, or form for, like, a while because I was just so focused on keeping the baby alive, you know? And, like, I hated Brad for a while there. Like, I really hated him because...

Because I didn't have, I felt like I didn't have any like time to do anything for myself. And I could see that he was doing things for himself and he didn't feel guilty about it or anything. Yeah. And I hated him for that. And once I took the opportunity to do things for myself.

I stopped hating him for that because I was like, oh, that's up to me. I choose to do those things or not. Yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. I remember speaking of like having babies. I was really good about self-care. I meditated every morning before work. It's the only time in my life that I ever meditated every morning. That is bananas to me. It is bananas to me now. I don't know how I did it.

I worked out until I had really bad back pain, but then there was a wonderful prenatal yoga class that I went to. I like, I ate, I like adjust. And there was something about,

like it wasn't for me really. It was for like the baby. It was like, you know, I was doing it for this other person. Um, and then when I had him, I didn't do any of that really. Right. Um, it all just kind of went away. And then I did it again the second time I was pregnant, not as well as I did the first time. Cause then, you know, I also had a child, but

I wasn't meditating every day, but I was just like prioritizing taking care of myself. And then I was like, why don't I just do that anyway? Why don't I? Because you don't have the like mind pressure of like, I'm growing a human. I'm growing. Right. It's just like, it's like, I'm not growing an ear right now. I'm just like being myself. So like, I don't need it. I don't deserve it. Fuck it. You know, it's like. I don't deserve it. Ooh. Ooh.

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I don't deserve it. That's what it is. That's what it boils down to for me a lot of the time. It's like, do I deserve to go get my nails done? That's expensive. Like, you know, it's like two hours. Like, I don't know. But that is something that, I mean...

I can't always go... I can't even always get my nails done. But, like, I can't always, like, go do stuff for myself. But, like, my nail tech is in my neighborhood. She's amazing. She's so nice. She's also, like, Latina. And she's a mom. And she gets it. And so...

I feel like I'm on vacation. I feel like I'm doing something for myself when I go get my nails done. Like, I really do. Yeah. And I know not everybody feels that way, but, like, for me, it is something... You know, I'd rather do that. I'd rather go get a manicure than... Most of the time, I'd rather do that than, like, get a massage or something. Like, I'd rather...

Because it's like just time for me and her to like sit there. And sometimes like we'll chat the whole time and I'll make her laugh. And then other times we're just like,

quiet, you know? Yeah. But I walk away with this like beautiful manicure that lasts me multiple weeks and I can look down on my hands and be like, hmm, look at that. That's so pretty. You know, I did that for myself, you know, as opposed to a massage, which like it feels good for me when it happens. And don't get me wrong, I love a massage, but like it doesn't I don't have anything to show for it. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? Like I want to be able to like

No, what do you mean? Yeah, I did it. Oh, like the, uh-huh. Yeah, okay. There's not a physical, the way like your nails, like you can look at it and be like, I did that. But see, I feel like when I get a massage, I also like the kind of massages that like are like a little, like really like- Hurt you? Yeah.

I want to fall asleep. Oh, God. What a waste of time. No. I don't want to fall asleep during a massage. For someone that doesn't sleep, it's not a waste of time. That's true. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. No, no, no. No, I know. And for some people, it is that. For me, it is like...

Yeah. I want to like hurt a little bit. I want you to work out all the things. And then that feels like an accomplishment. Like I feel like I took care of my body and like I like a good massage to me as I'm walking away feeling like realigned and like taller and like there's space again and like whatever was bothering me physically is gone. And like I feel very accomplished and that I also like took care of myself. Yeah.

Whereas, like, I sometimes go crazy if a nail appointment is going too long. I'm just like, oh, my God. That is so funny. Can you please get done? Oh, my God, girl. I could sit there for three hours. Oh, my God. No. I live. I live. I could sit there for, I mean, if… There is no chair comfortable enough to sit as long as you have to sit sometimes for your fucking nails. I don't even think about it. Honestly, you should also, you should go to… No, I should. I should, yeah. Because she is, she's not, this didn't take two hours, you know, like it was…

pretty, she's really quite fast. Especially, like, if you tell her you have to be in and out. Oh, I love a fast nail. But she's also, like, a really fantastic artist. So if you want to get, like, nail art, you could sit there. Yeah, no, your nails have been so, you've been going to her for years and your nails have been incredible. Yeah. Yeah. She also, just side note, she does, like, press-ons. So, like, you can get her, like,

You can have her size them to her, like, your hand so they, like, perfectly fit. And then she could, like, send you a box of, like, hand-painted nails. I'm just like, boop. Like, anyway, this is now an ad for Guadalupe, but I love Lupe. I think she's the best. I feel like most of the time, though, for myself, I'm cheating the system because...

I'm telling myself like, this is self-care and it is, but I'm also like, I have to get my nails done for work. You know, I have to like, I think I fit it in because I fit it in because it feels like something that

You have another excuse in your mind that justifies the self-care. Yeah. So like one thing that I count as self-care and it's not, and I've realized that it's not really, or that I've like turned into self-care is getting my roots done. Because like my hair is very dark, right? Like I have dark brown hair. And my dad started to grow gray when he was like 30. So like my grays are coming in hot. Same.

I used to be like, Brad would be like, oh, you're going to get your hair done. I'm like, no, I'm getting my roots done. You know, like I would, I'd be like pissed off that I had to do it, you know, because of this society, this like male dominated society that needs me to look young forever. And I'm an actor. But now what I've done is I take my iPad and like,

I will online shop and like read articles and like do nothing during that. Like when she's doing, and I'm like straight up honest with them too. I'll be like, so this is my me time. I hope you don't mind, but I am just going to like,

kind of like do internet stuff that I can't do at home. And they're always so nice about it. They're like, oh yeah, sure. No problem. Yeah. Cause they're like, great. I don't have to chit chat. I don't have to small talk with you. Honestly, that's it. I appreciate it. I think that's it. I think they really do. Like last time I was there, Darlene, I was like, oh, do you like this belt? And she was like, oh, I really liked that one, but it's so expensive. And she was like, go on Etsy. And we had a nice little conversation about that, but that

Feels like taking back something that I quote unquote have to do. I don't have to dye my hair, but like, yeah, you know, taking back something that I have to do and making it something for me, you know, using the time that.

That I have to be like somewhere and using it for myself. Yeah. And it's like how do we let go of this sort of like guilt and shame that's like around taking. Girl. Listen, I recognize we are incredibly privileged because I do have the – because of the nature of our job, like when we're on and in something, it's very difficult to – I mean sometimes you do self-care to just like –

help you get through the 12, 14 hour days. And like, you know, it works itself in that way with your job. But, but I also have times in between jobs where like, you know, like today I have this afternoon off. And so I can go get a massage before my kids come home from school. That is like a crazy huge privilege that like people with nine to fives and, you know, other jobs, other careers,

don't have. I was recently speaking to an old friend who's going through a really hard time and some health stuff. She works full time and she has older kids who are in sports. She's dealing with a lot. I was like, how are you managing your stress though? What are you doing? She was like, I'm not doing anything. I don't have time. When am I going to take time? How am I going to... It's

really hard because, right, it requires like paying some, spending money, like to maybe have someone pick up your kids to take them to practice so that you can get an hour, you know, or asking your partner to like leave work early one day if they can to, you know, give you time. Like it's really hard to find the time or on a weekend, like, you know, just saying like, guys, I need two hours this Saturday to just...

A hundred percent. Go do something, you know, like. No. And then we feel all these, especially as, you know, as parents or caretakers or just humans, I think, feel so much guilt around asking for that. But I do think it's incredibly important to do it.

Especially if you're dealing with a lot and you're treading water and things are hard, right? It's like it becomes – But that's when it feels like the worst. But then it – Right. When you need it the most. You feel like, well, everybody needs me. I need – you know, everybody needs me. I'm like, how dare I leave? How dare I? How dare I say I'm tired? Right. You know? Because I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. I'm doing my dream job.

I'm not allowed to say I'm tired. I'm not allowed to say that. And like, that's something that I would tell myself. That's something strangers tell you on the internet. They go, how dare you? How dare you complain? How dare you? You know, how dare you? How dare you? And it's like, you got to sort of, it's very, very hard to quiet that thing. It's like, you know, like, how dare you take a shower that's

a little bit longer because we're running out of clean water. How dare you use like a single use face mask? How dare you? You know, it's this like mental game that you have to play with yourself. Like, like I said, like I deserve it. Question mark.

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And I think that that's really, you know, to step into our nerd corner. Yeah. There was a study conducted by Kelton Global and funded by the beauty box company Birchbox, which shout out Birchbox. I used to get Birchbox. It's such a fun freaking box to get. They surveyed over a thousand adults across the country. Two in five people, 40%, feel they rarely have time for themselves each day.

45% of parents compared to 32% of childless people say that they simply don't have enough time to engage in caring for themselves. And singletons were more likely to regularly make time for self-care than those who were married or in a relationship, 42% versus 30%. And so I think this is something- Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why are we so mean to ourselves? Also-

Like, you know, it being higher for married people and for people with children, it's like I'm almost to myself like saying, oh, I should try to also remind my partner to do it and he should do that for me. You know, like, hey, go take a break. Like, hey, go, you know, whatever. Things have been stressful. Things have been hard. Yeah.

um, you know, go have lunch with your bestie this weekend or go, you know what I mean? Like figuring it out as a family and like trying to notice, I mean, this is something we should do for ourselves, but I think it's also something we can do as a community with our friends, with our loved ones, even with our parents, like, right. Like,

Little room of like, Hey, when was the last time you took a break? Hey, what are you doing to like manage this thing you're going through? Like, can I help you figure out some solutions or how to find some time? Like, you know, um,

I straight up told my mom, like, take Facebook off your phone. That is making you an insane person. You're not going to sleep on time. You're like in. My mom is like a 14 year old with her phone. Like, I don't know what. I don't know if it's because she's an older person and like they didn't get them until, you know, they were older. Boomers love the tech. They love the tech. Yeah. Yeah. My dad's on his iPad all the time. He needs a break. Yeah.

You need a break. Like, take a little break from being constantly plugged in like that. It cannot be good for you. I mean, like, speaking as someone who's, you know, doesn't... I don't have TikTok on my phone anymore. It has been good for me, though. It has been good for me. I swear to God, it's been, like...

I mean, that has been a form of self-care because, you know, compare and despair. I'm just looking at, you know, take it off, remove it. It is not good for me, man. It's like, and, and like, I still post, like I'll still post and do stories and stuff, but I'm not like looking at it because it's so easy to just like open your phone and like, boop, like look at it. And like,

You get those little dopamine hits, but it's not in the long term. And the time lost. It's not good for your brain. It's not good. It's not. It's not. I find it really hard when I'm busy to, yeah, it's just like, can we just give ourselves permission? You know what I mean? Even if it's like doing it when it's not convenient for the rest of our family. Yeah.

That's the tricky one, right? That's hard. Like asking someone, can you like put an extra effort and time so that I can go do something good for myself? Because I don't want to do that for you.

Because personally, I don't want to do that for you. I don't want to put in the work. Don't. No. So you cannot do that, but I will be doing that. And you will all benefit from it. Thank you. Imagine. Can you imagine? I mean, I do. Brad is really good at, my husband Brad, is really good at taking care of himself. He doesn't.

He is not afraid to ask. You know, I think a lot of men, I don't know, maybe. No, yeah. I think, yeah, David is better at it than I am too. A lot of brads and Davids just ask for it. Better is a little bit of a male thing. Yeah, that, uh... Yeah.

And I think we're a little bit more conditioned to, like, us last. Right? Like, we take care of everyone else. And then if there's time, we'll take care of ourselves. But, like, if there's not time, it's fine. Squeezing it in when I get my roots done. Like, there's something kind of like, that is a way to do it. But, like, I wish I would, like, do it a little more. I wish I would, like, you know? Like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Mm-hmm.

I don't know. I don't know how to get... Honestly, I don't know how to get better at it because I just don't... I mean, I'm not going to join a fucking...

You see that thing that Isis sent us about the collective napping experience, the nap ministry? The nap ministry is so horrifying to me, but God bless. Everybody, you know, I shouldn't yuck somebody else's yum, as my sister says. Okay, because listen, girl, I am into it, okay? The nap ministry was founded in 2016 by Tricia Hersey and is an organization that examines the liberating power of naps.

Now listen, I love a nap. I absolutely love a nap. I would take a nap every day if I could. In fact, when we were doing Brooklyn Nine-Nine, usually we had a 30-minute lunch. I was just going to say, do you remember how good we got at napping at Brooklyn? Oh my God. I used to be able to just lay down. I would scarf my food in five minutes. Not great for my digestive system. And then lay down and be out. Out. Trained my body to take a 20-minute nap at lunchtime. Yes.

It was heaven. Oh, it was so good. It was the only way I got through some of those really, really long days too because like I wouldn't have made it. I mean, I was called at like 5.30 sometimes. Yeah. No, yeah. The lunchtime nap was essential. I remember I got really good at it when I was pregnant on the show. But then I was able to like maintain the skill. Yeah.

Yes. It is a skill, I feel. It is because you know what? At night, I cannot lay down and just close my eyes and go to sleep. But I can do that shit in the middle of the day. I don't know what's up with that, but... If given the opportunity, I would nap every day. Do I want to nap in a club? No. I want my... This is the thing about self-care for me. I...

I am not trying to do self-care in a party setting, in a group setting. I'm not doing it. It's for me, me, me, me, me, myself, and I are the only people who are invited to my self-care party. You know what I mean? I will say the yogi part of me is somewhat intrigued because there are times at the end of a yoga class when you're all laying on the floor in savasana.

And you're doing that like last final meditation that almost feels like a collective nap. And there is something. If you've never taken yoga, savasana is basically like you're just laying on the floor with your eyes closed and your legs are splayed out and your arms are splayed out and you're just like relaxing. Yeah. It's like almost like a little mini meditation at the end of class. Yeah. And…

Especially after a very rigorous class and you're all laying there and there's something collectively beautiful and powerful about laying really still with all these people that I have been moved by. That's nice. I kind of get it. I kind of get the nap ministry. Me over here. Oh, that's nice. That's nice for you. Yeah.

Oh, good for you. That's great. That's good for you. No, I see it. Like, I think that's why my mom goes to church because like there's something beautiful in the collective, the collective joining together of people in this moment of like focusing on something other than, I don't know, something. Yeah. And I think that that is another form of self-care can be community, can be

Getting lunch with your besties, spending friend time, you know, or just, you know, social gatherings that aren't, that are fun, you know, that aren't, you know. That's real. Can be really. I went to a birthday party the other day and it was like, I was, it was like I had gone on a retreat. Yes. I mean, I felt like a new woman when I got home. It fills your cup. It was amazing. Like, yeah, you walk away just like re-energized and, and. Yeah. It can be really, that can also be really important, especially as,

you know, kids and life and work and we get so busy that like I find I have to really make an effort to like see my friends and like make time for that because it does make me feel so good when I'm with my people. Yes. Yes. Totally. Yeah. That is a form of self-care that I hadn't really thought about. Like the friend thing. The being with a friend which like how it fills you up. Yeah. Like you said, it fills up your cup. It fills your cup. More, more,

What'd you learn today, man? I learned you're a freaky deke and you want to nap with other people and you want to nap with strangers, which is like, whoa, okay, girl. And I learned that maybe, I don't know, maybe I need to maybe take additional steps to self-care for myself. I think I'm doing okay, but I think there's room for improvement.

I don't want to say improvement, but I think there's room for more, I guess, or like different versions of it. I'm doing okay the way I'm doing it. I'm like squeezing it in, but maybe I could like make more space for it. Yeah, I think that that's what I'm realizing as well is that I can make more space for it and I can also maybe try to like do some different things, you know? Yeah. And maybe discover, just like try some new things, you know, that maybe will...

fit into the schedule or fit into the routine a little bit more easily. Like just, just make a little more effort. Maybe like a three hour nail appointment. Oh God, no, not that. Heaven. That would be heaven for me. I would love it. My cuticles would be amazing. Yeah, no, no, thank you. I'll take my painful massages over that any day. Do you feel more better?

Yeah, I do feel a little more better. Not a ton, I'll be honest. I want to step up my game. I'm realizing that I'm not slacking, but lacking. I'm lacking a little bit in the self-care department. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that's how I'm feeling too. I feel, oh, I gotta, I gotta, we gotta...

I'm glad I talked to you about it, though, because I don't think I don't I don't I don't trust the magazines and stuff that are like 10 ways to do self-care in 10 minutes. You know, like I know what my real life is. So, like, I'm glad I talked to you about it because you have a real life, too. You know, I don't need like shortcuts. I need like real, real, real, real talking about how we feel about it. Yeah. Real, real. And like ideas. Yeah.

Shout out to us. What are the things that you listeners like to do for self-care? How do you squeeze it in? What are your creative ways? Let's share ideas and tips. Yeah, because I think that's what I got out of this. Everybody's different, right? So the things that I would gravitate toward are not the things that you would gravitate toward, a.k.a. nap ministry. But like...

I think like by talking about it, it's like you get clearer about like, oh, what feels good? And like, where am I lacking? Where could I do it more? And, you know, I want to carve out some space. Yeah, like this almost made me want to ask more friends about what they do for self-care, manage stress, or like what are they doing lately? You know, I like that. Hondo. All right. Well, thanks, friends, for joining us for that little adventure. And we're serious. We really want to know. So email us at...

morebetterpod at gmail.com. And we'll see you next time. See you next time. Bye, friends. Love you. Bye. Love you. Bye. Do you have something you'd like to be more better at that you want us to talk about in a future episode? Can you relate to our struggles or have you tried one of our tips and tricks? Shoot us your thoughts and ideas at morebetterpod at gmail.com. And include a voice note if you want to be featured on the pod. Ooh.

More Better with Stephanie and Melissa is a production from WV Sound and iHeart Media's My Cultura podcast network. Hosted by me, Stephanie Beatriz, and Melissa Fumero. More Better is produced by Isis Madrid, Leo Clem, and Sophie Spencer-Zavos. Our executive producers are Wilmer Valderrama and Leo Clem at

WV Sound. This episode was edited by Isis Madrid and engineered by Sean Tracy and features original music by Madison Davenport and Halo Boy. Our cover art is by Vincent Remis and photography by David Avalos. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. See you next week, suckas! Bye! Un poquito.

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