13: Moments Healing Somewhere That Hurt You
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher, premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Hello, my beautiful people, and welcome back to the Moments Podcast. I have missed you guys, and I'm so glad that we're back in action, but recording this episode is so weird for me right now because my whole family is here from, like, New York, and they're all inside right now, and I'm sitting in my van recording, and I just keep thinking that people can hear me, and I know that they can't.

But if you've been listening for a while, you know that that weirds me out. Like I can't listen to my own voice and I can't stand when other people can hear me talking. Yet I have a podcast. That doesn't make that much sense. But some things in life just don't make sense. And that's okay. But some of you guys may know that I'm going back to Hawaii in less than a week from now.

Which is insane because when I originally went to Hawaii, if you guys don't know that whole story, let me just give you some rundown. I was supposed to go out there for like two and a half months, like two months, and

And two weeks into that trip, literally not even a full 14 days into that trip to Hawaii, I ended up signing a year lease. My parents were like, no, don't do that. Like, what if things change in six months? I'm like, no, I never want to leave here. It's perfect. It's amazing. It's the best place on earth, which it is. But I said, no, I'm signing a year. So that's what I did. I signed a year lease. I was out there for six months, almost seven. I came home once in that time period just for Easter.

And because I had to pay taxes, you know, fun stuff. But overall, I really just randomly decided one day that I was... I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I really don't know why I thought it was a good idea to move 5,000 miles away from my home when the first time I went away to college, which was a seven-hour drive from my home, I got homesick and came home once a month. I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking there, but honestly, in Hawaii, I didn't get homesick, but I did struggle with, like, a lot of other things.

My mental health over there was not it. At first, everything was great and dandy because, well, I mean anything new in life is great and dandy and everything's exciting when you first get into it. But after being out there for a while, I just got into a really, really, really bad headspace.

And I was really struggling to find the good around me, which when I was going through it, I wasn't really aware of how I was feeling. I don't even know how to put it into words, but my emotions were so unable to process because I was spending all this time on like the most beautiful place ever, going to the beach all the time, living out my dream, kind of. I've always wanted to run away to an island. I've always joked about it forever and ever. And I did.

And I thought when I got out there, it was going to be perfect forever. But sometimes that's just not how life works. I found myself the most insecure I've ever been in my whole life. I was so anxious all the time. I was trying to keep up with work, but also trying to keep up with my social life. I was living with new people. I was making new friends. I didn't have any of my comfort people with me. And it was just tough, really tough to navigate.

And I don't think that it's something that's very talked about. Like even when your outside environment is perfect, you can still struggle with your mental health. And a lot of people won't get that. And a lot of people will just say, get over it. Just go outside. Look how beautiful it is. But I think that we all know that sometimes we don't have control over the way that our mind works and what our brain does. Especially when we let it get to a point where we're so far gone that

by the time we realize that we need to make a change and i think that that's what happened to me in hawaii for so long i was trying to hide my emotions and pretend that i was fine and pretend that everything around me was great and that i was as happy as i've ever been until it got so bad that

I couldn't do it anymore. There was a point when I was out there and Lissette, my best friend, if you guys have listened to all the podcasts, you guys know my Lissette. She came out and we had so much fun, but my mental health was just already so far down the drain that not even her visiting me healed me, which is what I thought I needed. And it definitely helped, don't get me wrong. But at that point, I was so burnt out from work and stress that when I did finally allow myself to like have fun, I had a new thing to stress about.

And it's all very hard to explain. I've definitely processed my emotions now, which is why I'm even able to talk about it. Because for a really long time, it was really hard for me to talk about what I felt like there because, again, people are just like, you were in Hawaii. You have nothing to complain about. And I'm not complaining. I don't have anything to complain about. I had a really, really incredible time. But my mind just didn't for a few months. All that being said, I am doing this podcast episode and...

Since it's my last episode that I'm recording at home, I think I might squeeze in one more at home just so I don't have to stress about getting one recorded right when I get back. But I wanted to just talk about going back to a place that hurt you or learning to heal in a place that hurt you or moving backwards. I don't exactly know what I'm going to title this episode yet.

But I know that a lot of people were very interested and a lot of people have the same struggle on like a different level, whether it's going back to college or coming home from college or so many different things. But I know that there's a lot of people out there who have had to feel like they're moving backwards. And it's really just going somewhere that you've already been, but as a completely different person. And honestly, we're going to talk through this one together.

because I haven't done it yet. So it's not like I have all this crazy great advice on how to do it, but I do have ideas and there are things that I've written down that I personally think are going to help me through this next little chapter of my life and I just want to share them. I also am not going to make this episode too long because like I said earlier, my whole family's inside and I'm only recording today because I have to.

And I definitely want to go spend some time with them. Even though I love spending time with you guys just as much, you know what I mean. Also, this is super random, but it's really cool to see how much more casual and normal it is for me to go record an episode. Like when I first started doing this podcast, I would get so worked up and so anxious to go record and now I just feel as though it's part of my everyday life. I just say, bye fam, I'm going to the van to record and they're like, okay.

Really random thing, but it's really cool to just see your dreams become a reality and then just see them become a part of your life. And this goes back even to when I first started making TikToks. Now, making TikToks for me is just something I do every day. It's not something I think about. It just happens.

Random thing to think about. It's cool and it's a really fun thing to experience. Anyways, I've been rambling on for like seven minutes now. Let's just let's hop into the real stuff I want to talk about. Here I go again with saying something about your mindset. But hear me out, okay? I know I say it over and over and over again and I will continue to do it.

But when I first went out to Hawaii, I went with the mindset that I was just going on this vacation. I knew I was going to work. I knew I was going to do content. But at the time, social media was my job, but not to the extent that it is now. When I first went out there, I was getting a couple brand deals every so often. But really, I was just taking pictures all the time and making TikToks. It wasn't sustainable and I wasn't doing it as a job. Yet, I also was.

I don't know. But while I was in Hawaii, I grew a lot across all platforms. And it became much more of a reality for me that if I want this to be something that is a consistent income and that can be my job, I'm going to have to put the work in. But it became really hard for me to shift that mindset when I had originally went there with the mindset that it was just for fun.

And I think that my mind just got very conflicted and very confused and it just led me into a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety. And a lot of times why things happen or why they're connected is unexplainable. And if you've ever struggled with any of these things, you know what I mean when I say that.

You often just find yourself asking yourself, why can't you just turn this off? Why are you feeling this? And it's not always that simple. Sometimes we have to take a lot more steps to heal those things and heal those emotions and figure out how to work through them. But the grass does get greener. But it gets greener where you water it.

That being said, if you're going somewhere that's hurt you in the past or that you've struggled with in the past or you're going somewhere new, honestly, whatever you're doing, even if you're staying put, the most important thing that I want you to take away from all of this is that you have to shift the mindset. And this is something that I still find myself struggling with because what will happen is I'll shift this mindset. I'll get super excited, super happy. I'll be super aware of what I'm going to focus on, what I'm going to do, what I'm going to accomplish, and then I'm going to

I'll have this flashback. My body, I'll physically feel it. And I'll go back to the emotions that I felt at times when I was out there. And then my mindset will go back to the negative. And it's just taken me a lot of practice to keep the mindset, the positive mindset consistent. So by that, I just mean your mindset isn't going to change overnight.

It's going to take time. You're going to have to remind yourself over and over and over again what you're going to work on, what you're going to accomplish, and what you're going to do, and how to think on the bright side. Therefore, my mindset going into Hawaii this time is that I am not that version of myself that I was in the past. That is a version of me that I still love and I appreciate, and she helped me learn a lot, but that is not who I am now. I feel as though I have evolved so much mentally that

And that's what I need to continue to remind myself, that I am not her anymore and that that chapter is closed and that I have healed. So take that as you will. Take whatever you want from it. But personally, I think that that's the biggest thing and the most important thing to do if you're going anywhere you haven't been before or you know what I mean. This is kind of a weird episode to explain because I know that it relates to a lot of people just kind of in a different way.

It's a very versatile episode, if that makes any sense, but I only know how to explain it in the way that I'm going through it. Anyways, the next thing I have written down is that I need to really make a schedule for myself, and it's something that I've always struggled with. I don't know if you guys have ever done the anagram test or the personality type test, but if you have, I'm a seven. I think I've mentioned this in another episode, but I have the brain of a squirrel. I don't do well with structure or with plans.

And I'm very type B, very go with the flow. Each day is its own day. I'm just going to do whatever, whatever life throws at me. That's just the kind of person I am. But in certain, and it's easy for me to be that person when I'm at home, because honestly, when I'm at home, I don't really hang out with anyone unless it's like a break in Lissette's home. But other than that, I'm just hanging out with my family and a friend here or there, maybe once every couple of weeks.

I've also learned that I'm definitely a lot more of an introvert than I used to be in high school. I don't know if that's happened to anyone else, but that's what happened to me. So moving forward, when I go back to Hawaii, I'm not going to be in the same kind of setting. I'm going to be surrounded by people all the time. Number one, because I live with two girls. We have friends who are going to be out there too and probably going to crash at our place every once in a while.

So I have to really focus on making a schedule for myself. I have to know that when I wake up, I have to do this, this, and this, and this, this, and that, and then I can have some free time to do whatever life throws at me. And obviously, I haven't applied that yet. I haven't done it, so I don't know how it's going to go, but it's something that I've had to keep reminding myself. I know it's different, but it's what you have to do in this setting.

As life goes on, we have to just adapt to it because change is inevitable and it's going to happen. And if you want to grow and learn and experience life and step out of your comfort zone, change is going to happen and it's going to have to happen. And sometimes it's going to be great and sometimes it's going to suck. That's just how life goes. And I think at this point, we all know that. We've all been through something and we're all going to go through more. Super random thought again.

I have a friend of mine. She's in high school. She's just been a really good family friend. She's dealing with a lot with like a boyfriend, high school stuff, and it's been absolutely crushing her. And it brought me to think about things that happened to me in high school that absolutely crushed me that I thought I could never come back from. And I compare them to the things that have happened to me now or to what's going to happen to me in the future.

And it just leaves me mind blown. I'm like that thing in high school that I was so worried about that made me miserable, that made me so depressed and so stressed. I don't even think about it anymore. It is not a part of my life or my life story whatsoever. And it's given me hope for when crappy things do happen, like buying a van that doesn't work and being a lot of money in debt. Eventually, it's not going to be a thought in my head because it's going to get handled and it's going to pass eventually.

This episode of the Moments podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Quick little intermission, you guys. We all know how important it is to prioritize the right things in our life. And maybe for you, that's prioritizing doing leg day at the gym or making sure you go for your hot girl walk. But how often are you prioritizing your mental health and making sure that therapy is a part of your weekly routine? If it's something that you've been open to, if it's something that you've been considering, I highly recommend BetterHelp. And thank you so much to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode.

I absolutely love BetterHelp. I love therapy. I have talked about it over and over and over again. And that is for a reason. It is the greatest thing ever. Having an outlet and a person to talk to about what you're going through and getting unbiased opinions and advice is so, so beneficial.

So if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. You just have to fill out a brief questionnaire and you'll get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash moments today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash moments.

Quick little intermission. You guys know how much I love Thrive Cosmetics. I really don't even need to explain it to you because those of you who know me know me, know I've been using their liquid lash extensions mascara for the past three years of my life, and I use it religiously. Even if I'm getting my makeup done, I bring it with me. Not only are their products high performance, but they also give back to the community. And...

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I just get weirded out. But we're stepping out of our comfort zone in 2022 and I'm a big girl and I can handle this. Next thing on my list, boundaries. This is a really big one for me because I have a tendency to be a people pleaser and with that sometimes comes difficulties. I let people walk over me a lot just because I want to see other people happy. Saying that out loud is so like cringy.

I think I, I don't know that I've ever said that out loud, but it's true. I tend to let people hurt me if it's what makes them happy. I'm also scared of people, scared of people, and am very easily intimidated and I'm really bad at confrontation. So if anyone's like that too, we're in this together. That being said, I need to set boundaries for myself, which also kind of goes into the schedule thing. I have to know, okay, I can't do this.

just because this person is doing this or just because this person wants me to do this. I have to realize what I need to do and what I need to focus on because I have to keep myself the number one priority. And I did not do that last time. I listened to everything that anyone told me. I did what people told me. I just, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what planet I was living on. And I don't know why I was doing that.

And at the time, I thought it was normal. And I look back on the way that I acted and like how I was treated in some scenarios. I'm like, what the heck? Why? Why did I allow that? And I think that this time, not that I'm going with a wall built up or a guard, but in a way I am. And I'm not letting people get through to me this time. I don't care what negativity comes around. I'm not putting up with it.

It's really just as simple as that, and it also, here I go again, comes back to your mindset. I can't go into it with the mindset that that's going to happen again. What I'm trying to do is go in with the mindset that it's not, and just see what that does, and see if it helps. But boundaries are important, and it's something that I'm still coming to learn, and I'm still very bad at setting boundaries.

But I'm definitely a lot better than I was, and I think I've found a lot more security in myself lately. That if I do need to confront someone or stand up for myself, I feel that I'd be more capable. I guess we'll find out. Hopefully we don't have to, you know? Moving on. Time alone. This is a good one because I know there's a lot of people who hate time alone, and there's a lot of people who need time alone. I would classify myself as one of those people who definitely needs time alone.

I enjoy drinking my coffee all alone in the morning or going to the sunrise and having a dance party or reading at night. I need to organize when I'm going to have time alone, whether it's in the morning or the afternoon or at night. I'm a big believer that alone time is what heals the mind. And it's one thing to not like enjoy being alone or to get more energy from being around people. But if you're struggling with being alone, I can promise you that what you need the most is alone time.

A lot of people fear being alone because we get so in our heads and we think so much about our thoughts and our feelings. And a lot of people want to avoid those emotions, so they avoid being alone, where they're kind of forced to think about them. But what I would advise for you to do if you find yourself in that position, and what I learned to enjoy in being alone was writing down all those thoughts and feelings. Because when you keep them in for so long, they're never going to pass through. You have to get them out.

whether it's speaking it or writing it, but you can't just think it. There's so much more power when you physically get something out of your mind. So I want you to try that. Next time you're in your room at night alone or whenever, start writing, start journaling. You guys know I always preach by journaling. It's the best. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot.

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Get started with Greenlight today and get your first month free at greenlight.com slash Spotify.

And I'm saying that from personal experience. I promise I'm not just making this stuff up, you guys. Journaling has actually started to change the way I see the world even more. Like, I didn't really think that it could, and it did. So just trust me on that one, okay? And one day, I know I've said this in a bunch of episodes, I am going to design that journal, and it is going to be the best guided journal you guys have ever seen in your life. I believe it.

I want to put prompts in there and quotes and inspiration, all that stuff. Anyways, we'll get into that at a later date. The next one I've written down is just having healthy coping mechanisms. When I was in Hawaii the first time around, I don't think I did. I don't think I knew what a coping mechanism was. And I think any of the ones I had were probably unhealthy. But in my eyes, healthy coping mechanisms mean going for a walk,

And just having set things that I do for myself if certain feelings come around. Like if I feel a lot of anxiousness, I think a good idea would be to make it a plan to go for a walk. Anytime I feel that common feeling of anxiousness. And if it's stress, maybe the coping mechanism is to listen to music and have a dance party. I just want to have things that are assigned to each feeling.

just to give myself a little bit more structure versus feeling an emotion and then not knowing how to handle it or not knowing what I'm supposed to do. And obviously I can go off of that if I need to. Like it's not going to be required for me to go for a walk every time I'm anxious. Maybe I want to go swim. But you guys, I think you're picking up what I'm putting down. Something to help me get past whatever it is that I'm feeling. Preferably things that I know have made me feel better in the past.

And the next thing I have written down is have people to talk to. What I do when my mental health is really bad is completely isolate myself and I don't really talk to anyone, even my mom, my friends. Even when my mental health is good, I don't really call my friends, which is something I'm working on. It's one of my New Year's resolutions. But one thing I learned from being in such a low mental state is that

People actually do want to talk to you, and they actually do care about you, and I don't know why it's so common for so many of us to just start to isolate when we feel upset instead of trying to talk to someone. And I think it's because we don't want to feel like a burden. Looking back at how all my emotions and how everything played out, I really do think that that's what it was. I didn't want to come off as someone who complains or someone negative or...

Yeah, I just didn't want to feel like a burden, so I didn't talk to anyone. But six months later, I realized that I should have talked to someone. Anyone. Because there were people out there who wanted to talk to me, and I just decided to push them away. And I know, I've been in the headspace that feels like no one wants to talk to you and no one cares about you, but I'm also just here to tell you that that's not true. That's you being in your head. It's you overthinking everything.

And I can only say that so confidently because I know that exact feeling. And I've grown from it and I'm not there anymore. So just trust me. Trust me. Nothing that I ever tell you guys or give you advice on is something that I don't feel confident in sharing. So just know that. I just want to see us all happy. I think that that's really it. Now, the next one I have written down is learning how to say no.

And the one after that is learning how to say yes. Contradict each other just a little bit. But one of my struggles, I think I've already talked about this briefly, is that I didn't say no to people. I did whatever anyone asked me to do. I really didn't think twice. I just thought it was, you know, what I was supposed to do until my mental health was so far gone and I realized that there was a lot of things I should have said no to to just focus on myself and what I actually wanted to be doing.

But obviously in the moment, it's a lot harder to do that. All of these things are so much easier said than done and we all know that. But still, it's worth a shot. Now, as far as the learning to say yes, this goes back into play with stepping out of your comfort zone. There were a lot of opportunities I had in Hawaii to do photo shoots with new people or go on hikes with different people or meet new friends out there.

And I never did. And I think that that's because I was really insecure with myself and I didn't think that people were going to like me. And then when I wouldn't meet new people, I would forget how to be myself because I was just so insecure and I lacked so much confidence that I get super anxious. And that still happens sometimes. Like whenever I meet new people, my social anxiety just spikes up like an insane amount.

And when I tell that to people, a lot of people are like, what do you mean? You post so much of your life on the internet and you overshare like a crazy person. I'm like, yeah, but not in person, like not in real life, not when I first meet someone. So that's also another thing that I'm working on is just being secure enough with myself to beat the social anxiety and just be able to be myself in front of new people.

And kind of just stop caring what they're going to think of me because that's what really sets me back was trying to be good enough for someone else. And the last thing that I wrote down on my iPad is to work on being confident in myself in the place that hurt me.

And it's one thing that stresses me out a little bit, freaks me out a little bit, is that I've gotten to a place. This is a little bit vulnerable. I know that all of this is, but for me, I think it's harder for me to say this out loud because I don't want to think about it, but I know that someone else out there is feeling it too. I have gotten so confident in myself in this setting. Being home, being with my friends from home, being with my family, I'm very comfortable here. I'm very aware of who I am.

But I'm going back to somewhere, and the last time I was there, I was so miserable. I wouldn't look in the mirror. I would take 10 hours to figure out what I was going to wear because I felt gross and everything, and I never liked what I looked like. I had social anxiety to an extreme because I never liked what I looked like, and I'm

So many other things. A lot of personal things that I'm not going to share about my experience in Hawaii. I mean, overall, you guys know it was just a lot of mental stuff that kind of came out of nowhere and hit me like a truck. But that's just life. That's how it goes sometimes. And we learn and we grow every day. Okay, I'm going to wrap this up because I hear my family now right outside the van, which means I'm getting super stressed out, which means we're just going to cut this here.

But I'm very excited to record an episode for you guys when I get there and just kind of take you through this journey with me because I know that I'm going to learn so much along the way. And especially when I get back, we're going to see if all of these things helped me, hurt me. We're just going to see. Okay, we're in this together.

But I want you guys to know that I love you and I appreciate you and I am so grateful. And I actually am thinking I might record one more episode at home. So we'll talk again before I'm in Hawaii. But then the next one after that, we will be in Hawaii. And I'm going to have a bunch of awesome people come on the podcast when I'm there. I know you guys know Miss Ava Jules. She's one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. She's going to come on here.

Then I'll do a little roommate thing. We're going to do a lot. You guys are going to meet a lot of people. And I'm really excited to start having guests on the podcast again besides my mom and Lissette because obviously they're going to come on. They're like my favorite people in the world. But yeah, I love you guys and I'm grateful for you guys. And if you didn't know, we are still number three on the Spotify charts for education. Isn't that crazy? I think it's crazy. I've been scared to check the charts because when we first launched the podcast, we were up there.

We're number six on Spotify's top podcast in the country. And I've been scared to check ever since because obviously in the beginning more people listened than they do now. So if you're still here, I freaking love you. Thank you for holding on tight.

It's only going to get better from here, I promise. But I just thought that it was really, really amazing. And I'm so appreciative of you guys listening and supporting. And if you haven't already, go follow the podcast on Spotify. Go leave a rating on Apple Podcasts. That would mean the most to me if you guys want to go do that because, I don't know, it's just awesome seeing how many people rate it and leave a message. And anyways, I'm rambling.

I'm just getting stressed out that people can hear me. So I will talk to you next Monday. I love you. And I hope that you guys have a beautiful day. And I hope that you're smiling. And I hope you know that everything's going to be just fine. Every little thing that you're struggling with is going to pass. Start looking forward to the future and living in the moment. Okay? I love you. Goodbye.