Comparison is the thief of joy (and why)
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Beautiful people, this is the Moments Podcast and I'm your host, Lexi Hidalgo. I hope you're ready to learn a little bit something new about yourself or the world or feel a little bit more seen, heard, and understood because you are. And you are beautiful and valuable and I want to be your big sister and your best friend and I'm going to remind you of that hopefully in each and every episode that you listen to. So tune in and enjoy the moment.

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Reporting live from under my blanket, I'm Susan Curtis with Duncan at Home. Breaking news, pumpkin spice iced and hot coffees are back. I'll pass it to Mr. Curtis with his blanket for the full story. That is so right, Susan. You know, it's never too early to get in a spicy mood. I'm talking cinnamony goodness that's so tasty, people don't want to leave their blankets either. Back to you. No, back to you. All you.

The home with Dunkin' Pumpkin Spice is where you want to be. Hello, my beautiful people, and welcome back to the Moments Podcast. I still have no office, so I'm reporting to you live from my bed, which is honestly kind of awesome. But with the move going on and everything, it has been kind of my last priority to get the podcast room done, and I don't know why that is. It should be my first, but...

There's a whole lot of things going on, okay? And it really makes no difference where I'm recording. And why would I compare my little bed studio and my tiny little mic to Andrew Huberman's crazy podcast studio with thousands of dollar mics, you know? Which leads me right into our topic of today, our conversation, one that I'm sure we've had on here before. But like most things, like most episodes...

Sometimes we got to go over things more than once to really feel them, grasp them, understand them. And honestly, the way that I talk about things and bring light to things and give advice on things is probably going to also change depending on where I'm at in my life. And sometimes someone can tell me the same thing one week and the same thing the next week in a slightly different tune.

And I'll actually understand it. And I'll hold on to it. And then maybe I'll let go of it and need somebody else to fill me in on that same exact topic. So that is why I will constantly, constantly, constantly go over topics more than I need to. Probably. But...

This week's episode is all about comparison, how it is the thief of joy, how we need to learn to clap for others, and it's kind of an interactive episode because I post on my Instagram story asking for you guys to tell me how comparison affects you, what it does to you, what it does to your mind, your drive, your passion, your motivation, your self-esteem, your desire, whatever it may be. And I kind of...

I've been really pouring into figuring out a way to make a mindset shift when it comes to comparison because I think I've tried a million and one times to stop comparing myself to others, to stop wanting to be as successful as other people or as beautiful as other people that I see online. And it feels impossible. And if you're somebody who has worked through completely destroying this bad relationship with comparison,

I'm always open to hearing how because for me, I think it'll be an everlasting journey and something that I'm going to be working through for probably my whole life. And I know that I'm not alone in that. I did make some really good discoveries. I had a few epiphanies that I think might be valuable to share with you and maybe they won't be, but I'm going to share them anyways because I know that somebody out there needs to hear this. And I

I first made a list. I did a little outline for this week's episode. I learned that I do function better with an outline. Sometimes I just like to not have one because I like to see what circles my brain can go in. I don't know why. Probably drives you guys insane. But we do have an outline for this week's episode. Trying to bring some structure into the rink, you know? And I think we're doing pretty decent so far. First question I wrote down, things I want to give you points on, is what does comparison do to us? And now this list alone I think is going to help you understand

let go of comparison like when we look at this big long ass list of the things that it does to our mind and things that it does to us as humans it should make us really want to just let that go and move on and find better ways to think and better things to focus on but I know it's never that simple I just hope this list can make you recognize that it is not good for us it is the thief of all of our joy and it is in my eyes the devil and I know a lot of people say that comparison can be good

But for me, at least I haven't figured out how to do that because we'll get into it in a second. First, let's go down this list. This is a combination of your answers and mine. One, and this is mine, and this is the biggest one for me that makes me want to take comparison and put it down the freaking garbage disposal, then put it through a shredder, then put it in the garbage can, let them smash it and put it into a landfill. When I compare my life to others, I take away so much from my own life.

I stop focusing on my world because I begin to get so obsessed with other people's worlds. And who wants to do that? I am ruining my own joy, happiness, success, love, passion because I'm just so curious about what somebody else is doing with their success, love, and passion. And we all do that and we all just take away from our own joy because we care so much about others.

And that alone for me is the most toxic thing about comparison. It takes, of course, yes, it's a thief of joy, but I stopped focusing and pouring into my own life, my own desires, my own goals, just because I want to see what somebody else is doing with their goals. It's crazy to me. It's really crazy. Um, next one. Comparison makes us think that we'll never be enough. We live in a world where it's very common to think that we're never going to be enough. There are

One million directions for us to be successful and the world makes it seem like if you're successful in one you failing at another So I understand this feeling I really do it makes us feel lesser. It makes us feel less than another person another career another Hobby another body. It just makes us feel less than we should takes away our energy to even try and this is another really big one for me that I wrote down on this list and

When I find myself so deep in the comparison trap, and this kind of relates exactly to the first one, I lose my motivation to even try. Because I just see so many things that even if I completely switched my life around will never be attainable for me.

And I give up on what I can do and who I can be because like even for example, if I get so deep into a trap of comparison, I'll be watching a woman's soccer player and I'll be like, well, I should have done that. Why didn't I do that? Look at her doing all this and she's so strong and incredible and amazing to watch and she's changing the world by doing a sport that she loves. I could never do that.

Girl, I have never in my life even wanted to play soccer. Why am I going to compare my wonderful, created life or your wonderful, one-of-a-kind life to someone who I don't even know, who plays a sport that I've never even touched? It's crazy, but that's what happens when we let the trap get so, so, so big. It's going to be the root of our lack of motivation, our lack of drive, and I think that it's so important that when you are feeling those things, to figure out

What it's causing. What are the symptoms of your comparison? You know? Okay. Next. It takes away from moments. It takes us out of the present moment. And I feel this one very strongly as well. When I am also deep in this comparison trap, like I will go to events. I will go to things with other girls, with other people, with other couples, with

And just be thinking like, oh my God, they have this and I don't have that. Or they look like this and I look like this. How does their hair look so beautiful and mine's frizzy and getting curly already? How does their makeup look like that and mine just looks like garbage? Why am I going to take away from a once in a lifetime experience? Because believe it or not, every single mundane thing that we do is a once in a lifetime experience because you're never going to get that moment back.

Why would I take away from that just worrying about what my makeup looks like that nobody's going to remember? You feel me? It makes me bitter towards others. I think that comparison can make us... I'm kind of combining the next two. It makes me judgmental. These are all the things that were in the little square on the Instagram story. I think that when we compare, it turns us into people that we don't necessarily want to be. And I notice this within myself. I get really self-aware when I am being...

negative towards someone or I'm judging someone or I feel like I have a say upon someone's life is usually because I am comparing I'm projecting my insecurity onto this person and I don't like what it does to me. I don't like the way that it makes me treat some people like internally and It makes me hate myself, which is another thing comparison makes us Feel so it takes away all of the self-love that we work for

It holds us back in so many ways. It makes us, and again, these aren't for everybody. One of these situations might apply to you or all of them might. It's different for everybody. That's why I want to share them all. It holds me back sometimes. Like if I know that I'm going to be really insecure somewhere about something, I just don't go because why? You know, why would I put myself through that kind of torture? But that's holding myself back.

I want to be able to go anywhere with anyone and not have to feel like I'm comparing myself and not to let that ruin my experience. It makes people scared to commit. That was a really, really, really big thing for me when I first got into my relationship. I was terrified to commit to somebody because I thought they would see parts of me that they weren't going to love because I didn't even love those parts of myself because I was always comparing those parts of myself to other people.

Makes sense? It makes everything feel like a competition. Why? I understand. I love a friendly competition. I am a competitive girl and I always have been. But our life should not be a constant competition. That puts us into constant stress mode, constant overwhelm mode, constant fight or flight.

It keeps our heart racing and our blood moving way too fast than it needs to. Life is supposed to be, at times, peaceful. And if we create it to be a constant competition, we're never going to get to experience that. You feel me? It prevents me from trusting. It ruins relationships. Comparison of other people's friendships, other people's relationships, can destroy so many things.

Every relationship is individual to you and that person. And I'm not just talking romantic relationships here. I'm talking relationships with your family, relationships with your, um,

What's the word I'm looking for? Your friends? Like, if you look at my family online, right, we are the most happy, wonderful family, which we are. Most times, like, I love my family and we play and enjoy and have a lot of fun, but there are still times that the internet does not see. That my dad has made me cry, my mom has made me cry, I have made them cry, we have argued. I have so many deeper-rooted family issues within my

my extended family that the internet will never know about. And I know that there are people out there who compare their family life to mine. And I know that there are families that I look at that I compare my family life to theirs without recognizing that they are also only posting their highlights. And even if they do throw in some realistic moments,

for the most part, people aren't recording and sharing the worst parts of their relationship with their family, of their relationship with their spouse. Even if I'm honest about Gabe and I getting in a fight or arguing constantly, like if you listened to last week's episode, I talked about how we argue all the time, but like, I'm still not gonna sit here and push to my audience, and nobody is doing this, how the lowest parts of our relationship. Does that make sense?

So never compare your relationships to another relationship. Moving on. I'm getting really ahead of myself. This is literally just supposed to be the list of how it affects us, not how to heal each part.

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Quick little intermission, you guys. We all know how important it is to prioritize the right things in our life. And maybe for you, that's prioritizing doing leg day at the gym or making sure you go for your hot girl walk. But how often are you prioritizing your mental health and making sure that therapy is a part of your weekly routine? If it's something that you've been open to, if it's something that you've been considering, I highly recommend BetterHelp. And thank you so much to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode. And I'll see you in the next one.

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You can also ruin your self-talk. And this is another one. And I think that I'm really passionate about doing this episode right now because I've been in this phase of not pouring so much into myself. I have been pouring into my life in different ways. I've been renovating a house. I've been traveling. I've been in love. I've been hanging out with my family, rescuing dogs, planning events, whatever.

But I haven't been boring into myself fully, which has led me to a lot of comparison. And I kind of had a wake up call this past, let's say week that it's kind of taking, not kind of, it's taking away from a lot of different aspects of my life. And I want to change that and I want to fix it. And I want to love myself again so much that I can properly love others and be the person that I want to be. I think that

When we can fall so deep into the trap of comparison, it can make us ugly people on the inside. It makes us talk ugly to ourselves. And when we talk ugly to ourselves, that is the stepping stone to start talking ugly to the world. And I don't want to go down that path. And I know that you don't want to go down that path. And I know that it's not a future you can foresee. Like if I hate myself, you would think that doesn't affect how I'm going to feel about the world, right? Wrong.

The second that I start treating myself poorly, without even recognizing it, I treat the people around me more poorly, and I treat the sunshine more poorly, and I care less about the nature around me and the love that I have. Everything slowly becomes darker when we treat ourselves with darkness. Okay? Okay. Now, what causes our comparison?

I'm no professional. I am no psychologist. I cannot sit here and give you the science, but I can tell you what I know because I do my research and I also have personal experience in this realm. And that's the most important thing to me about this podcast is I'm not here to be a neurologist who can tell you all the exact things that happened in our brain, but I can tell you what it feels like as a 23 year old girl.

to undergo these things and how as a 23 year old girl can i speak no girl i work towards fixing these things because i don't know i don't know moving on why why do we compare one uh we have unrealistic standards set up everywhere everywhere there is no escape

Everything that I post is an unrealistic standard to someone in the world, someone who lives somewhere completely different than I do, with a completely different life than I have. And everything that people I follow post is a completely unrealistic standard for me.

We consume so much and don't get me wrong. I think that I shed a lot of hate towards social media once in a while or often probably because I know what it can do to us. But it is also the most beautiful thing to be able to see people doing things around the world that we never even thought were options. I follow this person on TikTok who like basically lives on an African safari and looks out front and sees drafts right outside.

Like, that is something that is not realistic for me. And I think at a point, I can choose to see that as, oh my God, why do I never, ever, ever get to have that? Or, wow, that's beautiful. Period. End of the sentence. Wow, that's beautiful. End of the sentence. Not, but I'll never have it. I'll never be able to do it. I don't deserve it. I could never just pick up and leave my face. Or judging that person.

But it probably cost them so much money. But they probably... I will never take that video from here on out because I've become self-aware of this and find a way to judge that person for what they have to make myself feel better. Anyways, that causes it. Also, mean people. Mean people, end of story. There's bullies. There are nasty people out there. And it's important to remember that 90%

nine percent of the time the people who are mean to other people are the people who are internally struggling with the same battles that we are facing they've just gotten to a level of it where it shows they're not afraid to show it and they will project onto other people i think that yes there's people who are like naturally mean but nasty people are nurtured to become that way

And truthfully, all you can do is pray for those people. And if you don't pray, you can just send them love, send them some healing energy. And I know that that's easier said than done. I've dealt with bullies in my life. And the first bully I ever dealt with is now the person I'm probably the most grateful for in this world. And I'd love to sit down and have dinner with her because I would not be here had I not went through what I went through in middle school. Where else was I going with that?

Oh, it's easier said than done in the sense of now when people have nasty things to say about me. There's a whole freaking Reddit world, crazy world out there where people have dedicated pages towards hating on others. And that's fine. It's not something that I personally would ever get myself involved in. But I can't do anything except pray for those people and send them love. And I have to recognize that the things they say about me are not personal.

it's not personal and I don't have to let it affect me and change me and ruin me. I don't. And there's one book, Four Agreements, I've told you about it many times before. You have to read it. I really encourage you to read it because it emphasizes how and why we should not take things personal. And the

You know, I need to read it again, basically, is what I'm telling myself right now. Also, the media. We live in a world where the media is going to continuously... And by the media, I don't just mean, like, social media. I mean all of these clickbait, e-news, whatever it may be, magazine articles saying you need to be this thin to look da-da-da-da-da. Like, I thought all that ended, and I was in the grocery store checkout line reading the magazines, and there's still...

1 million magazines that say how to shed weight fast how to have abs like blah blah blah how to how to look like j-lo how to never wrinkle like the media still pushes it upon us that we aren't allowed to age that we aren't allowed to have a human body that we aren't allowed to just sit back and relax once in a while and like take a deep breath and just accept our body the way that it is and like understand that i can have some cellulite on my legs and it's not the end of the world

but the media still pushes it upon us that it is the end of the world. So it's no wonder that we compare ourselves when that's when is that's what is being pushed down our throats. Also the constant constant consumption of people's best moments. Like we've touched on this already in this episode, we only post our highlights. Yes once in a while we post a bad moment. I will get really real on TikTok and especially in this podcast

about what I go through in my mind sometimes and what I feel and I will be vulnerable and I will be open. Still, consuming that is no, no, no, in no way a proper representation of what it actually feels like to go through that. And I'm trying to figure out how to word what I'm trying to understand in my own brain right now. When we...

Watch five seconds of somebody being vulnerable and struggling with anxiety. We're like, oh so they just dealt with it for one day I have to feel like this every single day like the chance that the truth is the person you're watching who posted that five-second video Probably is struggling with it more than those five seconds. Does that make sense? But it's hard for us to recognize that when we're just watching the five-second video five-minute video, whatever it may be so I'd say about

Half, if not a little less than half of influencers, people we follow, social media creators, celebrities these days have gotten more real and vulnerable on the internet. But there's still a half that hasn't. Therefore, I'd say 100% of the time we're consuming more of people's best moments than their worst moments. And it's going to be easy to compare that. But recognize, it's all a highlight reel, okay?

Also, our mindset causes it. Believe it or not, hate to break it to you, hate to break it to myself, I have the control. I do. I do. I could change this. I could literally switch it off. I could wake up tomorrow and say, "I'm done comparing. I'm fucking awesome. And I am chasing my dreams. And nobody else's shit is going to affect me." Yeah, unfortunately, we have that power.

We do, but I think there's a lot of things that get in the way of it. And I'm not going to sit here and give you that tough love that's like, nope, it's all up to you. You have to change it all. I don't care what's going on in your life. Because I do. I understand it. I know how hard it is to tackle that beast in your mind. But I also know that you do have the power. It's going to take a lot of steps. But you can do it. You really, really, really can. Doubt. A lot of us compare because we just doubt.

A lot of us compare because we want to. Another tough one. I read this a long time ago. I actually didn't even write down what I just said, but it just came to me. Because I remember reading this and just not wanting to take it in. We live in a world where a lot of us, the depression, the anxiety rates are through the roof. They've never been higher. But the reality is a lot of people are more comfortable staying in that pain

than experiencing change. A lot of people would rather hurt for the rest of their lives than make a change big enough in their life to stop feeling that way. Because change is scary. It is intimidating. And I think that that's a lot of the reason that a lot of us compare. We choose to do it because we're too scared to make changes for ourselves and in our own lives. So take that how you want. I'm going to need to process that one for a second because scary but true.

A lack of self-love. I think that a really, really, really, really big cause for us to compare and probably one of the biggest is that we don't love ourselves enough. When I love myself properly, and I know this because I felt it, I have felt really, really good about myself from the inside out. The last thing I've thought of is to wonder or compare myself to someone else that I watch on the internet. Tough one, yeah, but it's true.

The more I dislike myself and treat myself with bitterness, the more I'm going to compare myself to things on the internet. So, loving yourself, she's important. Now, ooh, sorry. Last but not least, it also lies in our evolution. I wanted to look this up because I was curious.

Is comparison something that happens naturally or is it 100% something that has been nurtured? I think 1 million percent it has become so strong and powerful because of how we've been nurtured and taught as we grow. But the internet, it was a reliable source, okay? It was a .org, not a .com. But it does. We are naturally, we are genetically created. We have evolved to compare.

Like comparison can be good, but it does lie in our evolution. That gives you some peace of mind. Like we're going to be able to change a lot of our comparison into good and delete a lot of it. But what will still lie there, we need to learn to shift around, make it something valuable to us instead of horrible to us.

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Now, within the same article, it talks about the two types of comparison. There's upward comparison, which is where you ask yourself, why does this person get to do this? Or this person that got chosen for this project and I didn't. They're so much better than me. I'm terrible. I'm the worst. And then there's downward comparison. I'm so much better than this person. Look at this person's only going on this trip. Here's where I'm going. Or wow, my abs are so good. That person has work to do.

Disgusting, first of all. That's secretly projection. We know this. And I think that one of those builds ego and one of them lowers self-esteem. I don't see or deem either of those things to be good. I don't think that your ego equals confidence. I think that your ego is superficial and it is fake and it is toxic. And I don't want to live and think with my ego as much as I do, as much as we are trained to do.

The world where we're being taught to one-up each other constantly, go, go, go, do this better than that person. Like, no, that's our ego acting and we don't want that. Let's be humans again, right? Anyways, I want to give you some reminders in some how to help it, in some how to change it, and some how to stop comparing ourselves.

Do not. Well, actually, I'm going to give you this first one first because this is a huge factor that I wanted to include and part of the reason I even wanted to record this episode. I have been watching a lot of people in my life do really awesome things, be really successful in their careers, in their goals, changing their lives, doing things they've dreamed of for years. And on the surface, I'm so happy for those people.

Like truly, I am. But subconsciously, when I watch other people be successful and happy, there's a part of my brain that goes, why don't you have that? Why haven't you done that? Why aren't you there yet? And I've been working on it for a long time now. And I'm really feeling a shift in my life. Hence this episode. The second that you learn to clap for other people,

The second that you learn to truly be happy for people without letting it affect your life and your mind and your thoughts is the second that your life is going to change for the better. You are going to feel lighter. You are going to love your own life and appreciate your own life more when you can really, really just feel joy for other people and compassion for other people. And I don't blame the people who...

have felt this, you know, like, I think that it feels weird and vulnerable for me to share that, like, I get jealous of other people's success once in a while. But it's not in any offense to them. It's like my own battle that I face with myself. And for some reason, I felt embarrassed to share that. And I'm sharing it now because I've kind of worked through it. But I know for a fact,

If I am going through mental battles like this, somebody else is too. But we need to learn to clap for others and be so happy for them from our core because the more joy you can feel for other people, the more joy you will feel for yourself. The same way the more hate we feel towards ourselves, the more hate we will feel towards other people. It begins with you in every way.

Give more love and more joy and more happiness and more congratulations to the world for the good that is happening. You will feel better in every single way. Sorry, I'm like getting really into this and I'm like hitting my bed, tapping my pen. I'm talking with my hands. So sorry if you're hearing a bunch of background noises. But clap for others and learn to water your own grass. We...

Often get really caught up in how the grass might be greener elsewhere the grass is greener if I had this person's life or this person's Body right? That's what we think we think the grass is greener everywhere But what if we just like you know, maybe tried watering our own maybe stopped losing ourself because we're constantly comparing ourselves to others and started focusing on ourself watering our grass things so busy and

Watering our grass and watching our flowers bloom that we don't even need to look at what other people's have other people have in their garden Okay, they might be growing freaking tomatoes and strawberries and roses Okay, but maybe in your garden you want to grow peaches and cilantro. I don't know an avocado Can you even grow an avocado your gardens look different for a reason? You got different purposes and different things to bring to the table. I

And everybody can go into their gardens and collect all of their fruits and vegetables and bring it to the table and there is going to be a full course wonderful meal. Everybody adds something to this world. There is not one person who can maintain a garden of every fruit and vegetable by themselves. The way that the world works is because we all bring something different to the table and if you can remember that, when you choose to remember that, you're going to feel better.

I promise you. I mean it. I really do. So water your grass. Care for your own fruits and vegetables. And recognize that yours are yours for a reason. You have a purpose. There's also only one you. There is nobody. Nobody. Simply put, scientifically, DNA-wise, there is only one of you. Yeah, you know, you could do similar things to other people, have similar passions, but there is nobody who is you. And when you recognize that,

You'll stop being hard on yourself. You'll stop judging yourself so much. You will be proud of who you are. You feel me? Also, last thing, not last thing, there's a couple more things on how to help this. Use your critical thinking skills. This is one I've had to focus on. Use your awareness. Use your understanding that, like I've said 15 million times in this episode, social media, yes, it's real, but it's also fake. It's curated. Even when people are being raw and vulnerable on the internet, they're still...

talking to their phone and crafting up a video. Like when I'm having facing my anxiety and I am having panic attacks and it's hard to breathe and I'm filming it to share that with somebody, I'm still filming it and editing it and then sharing it. No matter how real and vulnerable someone you follow is, it's still curated and that's beautiful. That's something that we should really appreciate about creators. They are taking the time even in their struggle

to share it to make someone feel less alone. But it's also important to recognize that even that, even the lows that people post are edited in some way, shape, or form. So think about that. Treat yourself with compassion. Talk to yourself with love. Remember your strengths. Remember what fruits and vegetables only you can bring to the table.

Set goals that are personal, that aren't affected by anybody else but you. And last but not least, most importantly, in every single thing that we talk about in this podcast, mental health or not, the most important thing I think we can do in this lifetime is to live in gratitude, to live in appreciation, to be the person who is obnoxiously happy to exist and

who loves the grass and the trees and the lizards and talks to animals and talks in a baby voice to a worm on the ground. Be that person and don't be ashamed to be that person because life works in every single way. You start somewhere. You start small. And if you can give love to a worm, you'll eventually be able to give love to every human ever. You see things differently when you focus on the good.

It grows. And I know people are probably sick of hearing that. When you focus on the good, the good gets better. But tell me now, that's true, right? Like when you focus on the fact that the sun came out yesterday and pretty much everywhere in the United States, I heard it was like 70 and sunny. Winter's coming to an end. So you focus on that and then you focus on what the future holds and all of the joy that you have right now. Everything gets better.

Now, that's all for my TED Talk on comparison. I hope that there is something you could take away from it. I hope that you know you are worthy, valuable, and loved in every single way. And I am here to just talk you through it all to the best of my ability. And of course, I'm no professional, but I am a human. So I love you with my whole heart more than you will ever know. Thank you for helping me build this life and create it and sticking around so that we can have this community together forever and ever and ever.

I'll be in the grave recording these podcast episodes. Thank you for everything. And I'll talk to you next Monday. Let me know in my DMs what you want to hear next. And also, follow The Moments Podcast on Instagram, on TikTok. I'm trying to get it all consistent because I do want to see this podcast grow. I want to reach as many ears as I can in hopes to just help one person out there. So, I love you so much. Bye, bye, bye.