Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Coffee Corner. Today is your episode 124.

So today I do want to talk about one question I've been asking myself for so long that it got me to certain dark situations a lot of times. So I want to bring this up and share this with you. The question is: Why me? In the last couple weeks, I was in a very very dark hole by myself. I was very depressed and stressed. I had a panic attack and anxiety. I felt like everything was all happening to me all at once.

I didn't know why, and I was trying to figure out why. I'm that kind of type of person. I need to figure out why behind certain things. So I was trying my best to figure out that question. But then I always kind of looped back to the question, why me? One particular example of myself is sometimes I took my kid to bed at night. Every time it was my turn to take him to bed, he would spend longer time

talking, laughing, playing with me. He wasn't refusing to go to bed. He just wanted to spend a little bit more time with me. But again, I had my own plans, my own schedule. I wanted to do my own thing. My plan including putting him to sleep with a short time, coming back, starting my project,

and finish by a certain time, I can go to bed and I can read, those kind of things. But of course when you have a kid, it's hard to keep everything organized. It's very hard to keep everything on track. So I got frustrated. But then I started to feel everything has gone a little bit personally. I felt like, okay, so when my husband takes him, they go to bed, they talk, they read bed stories, and then he falls asleep, and then my husband comes down.

Very fast. And when it's my turn and I do exactly the same thing, follow exactly the same routine, but the story is very different. He would stall, he would really run, he would hug me, he would say mama loves you, those kind of things, just not wanting to go to sleep.

I mean, of course, I have other things that triggered my stress and anxiety. But that particular thing really pushed me to ask myself, why me? And when I started to ask this question, why me? I started to question myself. I feel like there's something wrong about me. Maybe I didn't do something correctly. Maybe I missed a step. And then I start to think about more about why me in terms of other things. So let's say at work.

If I say hi to someone and someone didn't return hi back to me, I started to think, why me? Why did this person not say hi to me? The emphasis is on me, not why. If you switch the emphasis and then you think about why this person didn't say hi, instead of thinking about why did this person say hi to me, the whole mindset shifts. But again, when you're

In that situation, you're so brain fogged and you just can't think clearly about there are certain questions you should not ask. And you just got kind of really trapped in this situation. And then I start to think about, OK, so when good things happen to me, I never think about why me. When good things happen to me, I think about, wow, this happened to me. Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm so lucky. And when bad things happen to you, you think, OK.

Wow, I can't believe this happened to me. I'm so unlucky, right? You would think, oh my God, I can't believe this. Why me? Why? Why me? And you start to think and you start to only focus on this question, which is not going to get you anywhere, which is not going to get you any solutions to solve the problem, which only gets you to think more of yourself as a useless person. And especially if you have the imposter syndrome, then this is just going to get worse.

Then I am thinking, okay, so because I was really having dark moments, I was trying my best to get myself out of the dark hole. I tried exercise. I tried journaling. I tried all sorts of things. I just could not until I realized I watched a movie.

video talking about how why when women hit a certain age it's very difficult for them to lose fat or gain muscles or any sort of things so they started to talk about when women hit a certain age your whole body started to change without realizing there's a change so you think you're still 20 something you still think you're 30 something but your whole body biologically tells you that you're not and

So a lot of things have changed, but you are not aware of it. That's when you get stuck because you are doing things exactly the way you do it when you're 20, when you're even like 15. So for example, hormones change. It can really change how you talk, how you behave, and how you feel about the world and other people.

I think when you are at a lowest of yourself, you start to hate yourself first, of course. You start to think like you should not exist in this world. And you started to hate people around you because you think they are not doing what you want them to do or they're not doing the way you want them to do. And you start to back hating yourself again.

And also you start to feel irritated easily. Even just a little teeny tiny thing and you feel like, "Ugh, I just want to kill this person."

But people don't understand you. People are not inside of your body or reading your minds or anything. They don't understand what you are thinking or what you are processing. Even yourself don't understand, don't know what you're processing at this moment. They just think you are a mean person. Why are you acting like this? And then yourself would start to think, why me? Why this thing happens to me? Why this person treats me like this? Why my kid doesn't listen to me?

And so on and so on. That one particular thing makes you really just focus on this useless question is your hormones. You start to think very low of yourself, very high of other people. You start to think something wrong with you and you want to fix yourself, but there's really no solution to fix yourself because you don't need to be fixed. That is a difficult part.

about hormones. Once you get to the level of just normal, just in the middle, you start to realize, oh, you know what? The whole world is lovely. People love me. My partner, he's so thoughtful. He does everything for me. My kid is so lovely, so alive, and myself is doing great. You know, that people don't realize the change, the shift.

They just think, well, you know, at this moment, all good things happen. That's why I'm happy. Or at that moment, all bad things happen to me. That's why I'm not happy. It's not particularly that way. The thing changes the way how you feel about the world, about other people, anything surrounding you.

hormones. They make you feel sometimes you can tolerate, sometimes you cannot. Small things that when you cannot tolerate at your lowest, you think they're hateful, you think they're disgusting. Small, exactly same thing that happened to you but at your highest level and you feel they're funny, they're interesting. Oh, life is life. That makes

realization, that awareness, once you acknowledge that, once you really, really start to study it, that can change how you feel. It's not going to change your situation. It can help you change how you feel about yourself. I had a PMS. It was really bad. This never happened to me. I felt really irritated. I feel really anxious, definitely high stress,

But I just thought, you know, that one thing got me. I couldn't fix that thing. That's why I'm acting like this. I hate everybody. Life is hopeless. But then once I'm over PMS and I start to feel everything is so light and everything is so bright. And then my son, even he does something bad. I feel like he's just so cute. He's just a toddler. You know, he hasn't changed yet. Right.

And certain behaviors, he definitely hasn't changed them yet. My husband hasn't changed yet. My dog hasn't changed yet. The only thing that has changed is me. But what has changed is my hormones.

When I realize if it's about my hormones and next time when it happens, I can tell myself I am feeling really down this time. I can't think straight. I can't solve problems. I can't deal with this. So I can talk to my husband and say, hey, you know what? Can you do this for how long? Because I can't handle that because my hormones are not stable right at this moment.

This is not going to solve your hormone problem, but this will help you get through your hormone problems is you can ask for help. You can explain yourself to other people saying that I'm not being a mean person. I'm not being ridiculous, but I'm going through this stage that I just need extra help from you guys. Can you help me?

Instead of yourself carrying all the responsibility, including yourself, your emotion, other people's emotions, and you're trying to get through and work through and you couldn't see the light in the end of the tunnel and you couldn't find a solution to this one situation and you just freak out. I think that's what happened to me.

just recently and now I realized so I want to record this to share my tips with you guys if you are going through this or you've gone through this I hope this helps just be aware of your hormones and the hormones of course and you can go find a lot of videos and research about that and I'm sure they're experts they have

a lot of research back up their statements. I don't have any research statement, I don't have any statistics, but I'm just talking about this based on what I've read and how I feel about myself. So I hope that can help and give you a little bit inspiration, something to do. Second thing is your body physically changes.

Some things you can do when you're at your 15 or when you're at your 20s or at your 30s and you start to kind of lose the grip of it.

Without realizing that moment, you just think you can do the same thing. Until you cannot do the same thing, you start to blame yourself. And of course, when you can't do certain things, mentally, physically, you feel very, very exhausted. And bad things happen and you start to ask yourself that question, why me? Why is this happening to me? And of course, there's no solution other than while you're aging, right?

And there's nothing you can do with aging. You just have to let it be. But if you don't know that, you're not aware of it, you're forcing yourself to go back to how you perform in your 20s, which is impossible. Unless you have been exercising and working out so hard to keep the momentum as what you had in your 20s. Well, that's another story. But again,

If you start to age, let's say, you gain five pounds of fat every year and lose five pounds of muscles. And I've been struggling so bad about losing weight.

And you know how bad the influence that social media can give to you. You look at those beautiful figures. You feel like you can do it as long as you eat less and exercise more. It doesn't really happen that way. It's not like you work hard, you get what you want. And it does not always happen. So I've been working out so hard. I did not lose weight. And I actually gained weight. And I was trying to put myself back in the pants I used to wear before pregnancy.

That did not happen super well either. So I've been, I felt upset and part of me feel angry. Part of me feel sad. Part of me feel like, well, I'm never going to go back to what I used to look like.

My husband kept saying that, well, you gain muscles, you look really fit now, you have strength, you have power, you are just, you have energy, you know, you look different. You're not the old you, but you look different in a positive way. But I kept forcing myself to go back to the way I used to look like, which is impossible until I watched this video and I learned that there's certain things you just cannot change because it's nature, right?

It happens that way. It's not because of you. It's because it happens. Then I start to feel a lot better that, oh, you know what? I have quite a donut around my waist and I can't put myself back in those size six pants. I can't wear what I used to wear when I first came to Canada. I was size two. Now I'm size six to eight pants.

Am I happy about it? Probably not. Because some of the styles I owned before, I wanted to recreate them, but I can't put myself in those clothes anymore, which made me really mad. And I started to shop a lot just because I keep telling myself I feel so stressed. I need to buy new clothes so I can fit myself in those clothes.

Those kind of things I feel like, again, why me? Other people can lose weight and other people can do this. Other people can look so slim and other people can look so chic. But why me? Is that because, you know, I had a kid? Because my diet? Because my lifestyle? Could be. Could be anything you can think of on your list.

could be just because you are aging and certain things you can't control, especially woman body is very, very complicated. You just cannot understand the way you understand about a book, right? So that's very different. But anyway, after I watched the video, I started to feel a lot more relieved about how to keep fit. I think my goal from now on is to keep myself fit

fit, keep the work on my endurance and just be myself because guess what? I'll have to eat something delicious that is not good for my health. But to be able to eat something delicious that is not good for my health, I need to have a relatively healthy body. To have a relatively healthy body, I need to work out.

Not just sitting around eating chips, reading books and watching videos. But I need to move around. I need to lift some weight. I need to gain some muscles to just not only look good, but be healthier. You shift your goal from unrealistic to realistic. You shift your goal from what you want to what is best for you.

That is not easy, but try that even just with a small step. I think it works. It has worked for me this week and I feel so much better.

I'm on my period. This is the third day. It's not fun. Every time I have a period, I have really bad experience. Anyway, but I have my workout scheduled on my Apple Fitness+. I want to keep my rings closed in a row so I can have badges.

But normally, I wouldn't exercise during my period, even though they say as long as you feel comfortable, you can have like a light exercise or anything. And also my personality is if I start an exercise, I want to give it all. I want to go all in. Right. So I want to really do it. But my workout is quite intense for my current state exercise.

So I was trying to think, OK, I either do it or not do it. I didn't give myself a third option. But you know what? It is not something mandatory. You can have many options there to modify your workout, to modify your goal. I start to realize instead of giving my full effort in this workout, what I can do is to modify it.

Instead of jumping around, I can just do walk around. Instead of doing a whole punch, I can maybe do a half punch. Instead of doing a full push-up, I can do a push-up just halfway with my knees on the ground. You make compromises, but you still accomplish your goals. You're not giving up your goals. You just did not give a full effort in them because of your current condition.

I think a lot of things that we gave up is because we think about we cannot give a full effort to make it happen, so we stop doing that. It's either in or out. We didn't give us a third option to just finish it because we're such a perfectionist. We want everything to be perfect. When we cannot achieve our goals with perfect process, perfect result, then

Even with the perfect start, you wouldn't want to do it. You would just leave it there and say, well, next time I'll pick it up when I feel 100%. And then we miss a lot of opportunities. And when things don't go our way, when things don't happen, and when we don't achieve what we want, we start to blame ourselves. Say, why me? Why didn't this happen? Another perfect example would be if your friends are throwing a party and you're not invited or

Then you say, well, why me? Right. But because you didn't make an effort to go last time they invited you. Did you say no?

How many times you said no to them because you didn't feel that way, you didn't have your good moment that way, or you just look terrible that moment, so you want to say no to them. Until fifth times they had this party and they said, well, because the last of four times you said no to me, so this time I'm not going to invite you because I know you're not going to come.

Because you missed the opportunity to go to the party and now you are not invited. Then you start to say, they don't like me. Why me? Did I do something wrong? Why did they invite other people but not me? A lot of things are similar at work. You didn't get promoted. Is that because you didn't go all out, go above and beyond? Or is that because other people work extra harder than you?

It could be both. It could be you work really hard and you didn't get this opportunity and this opportunity is given to other person and you start to think about why me. Well, there are many reasons could be that the other person works actually harder than you, that person has more experience that you don't know and that person has special skills that you don't have or that person might have some connection that you don't have. There are a lot of reasons but

It happens for a certain reason, not because you, it just happens in this situation to everybody. And you happen to be part of this story. And that is the difficult part to digest because you will start to think about everything very personally.

Because you think they target you. It happened to me too and happened to me all the time at work, at school, in the past. Why me? And then you start to think, so those people never do something right because it will always be the question, why me? But the why me question will make you feel unfair when you have bad luck and other people don't. Why me? When you didn't get what you want but other people did, you start to think, why me?

And when you didn't move forward but other people did, why me? When you have to take these responsibilities and other people don't, why me? It's all about being unfair. And when you start to feel unfair and you start to hate the whole world, yourself, and start to hate the task you're doing right now and people you're dealing with and even the close ones you are living with. And that's going to be extremely hard because you're just going to keep reminding yourself, why me?

My trick about dealing with why me right now is I have to force myself to do something else to shift the focus on why me to what can I do now.

For example, back to the original example I was talking about, you know, putting my kid to bed. I've been trying. I've been trying. I know probably this sounds ridiculous to some of you. You guys out there say, oh, of course you can't do it. It is very difficult for me to do the whole process. But I'm trying very hard that now when I take him upstairs,

to his crib to to sleep I start to tell myself everything he does is because I am the mother not because I did something wrong he wants to spend more time with me because I'm the mother he wants to chat with me because I'm the mother and he doesn't want to go to sleep because he loves me so much that he just wants to spend more and more and more time with me that's it

Why me? Because I'm the mother. And when I start to think about it, I feel so much better and I feel so good about myself.

Dealing with him and then the other day at night when he went to bed I said I'm sorry, baby I've been acting weirdly around you not because I don't love you. I love you very much I just didn't realize that you also loved me very much To the point that you just want to spend every single minute with me and you want a minute to be like 24 hours

And he didn't say anything. And he just rolled over and fell asleep. I'm like, hmm, that makes me a little bit emotional. Also could be because I'm on my period and my hormones are working myself up. But again, I felt like if you realize you do something wrong because of your hormones, because the question you ask yourself, why me? Because the feeling of

being unfair, you can jump out of that weird circle, weird situation and leave it behind and start to write down why you want to ask yourself, why me? And start to think about what can I do? What can I do this moment? Do I have any solutions? If I don't have any solutions, can I just leave this here for a moment and go somewhere else and then come back and think about it?

but you have to give yourself a break. You cannot only focus on this. It's like when you drive. You drive, you focus on your front and then you start to ignore everything around you. And when you want to change a lane, you just think and check. Oh nothing around. Then you start to change but you forget because you're so focused on driving

you forget about your blind spots and everybody has a blind spots and that blind spots will help you solve the question, why me? And that's what you need to really think about, blind spots. What are the blind spots in your life? What are the blind spots in certain situations when you are in? What are the blind spots when you are involved in maybe an argument, conflicts, or any conversation, engagement?

Did you ignore anything? Do a self-reflection afterwards. It really will help you feel a lot better. Again, it might not give you solutions to those problems, but it will help you do a better job next time. It doesn't matter if you're a student right now, you have a job and you're working, you're studying.

It really helps. And especially if you're a parent. But anyway, this is what I want to share in this episode. Why me? But again, I want to say one more time that I'm very lucky to have you guys. And I don't know why you chose me, but why me? And why not me? Right? So think about that. I'll see you next time. Bye.