Defining "Wife": You Can('t) Define "Wife" for Yourself
Imperfectly Phenomenal Woman
Deep Dive
Why did Carolyn choose the topic of defining 'wife' for herself?
Carolyn chose the topic because she recently got married in October 2022 and her husband moved overseas for work. She faced societal pressure and expectations about what it means to be a wife, especially since she didn’t immediately join him. She wanted to explore how to define 'wife' on her own terms rather than conforming to external opinions.
What societal expectations about being a wife did Carolyn grow up with?
Carolyn grew up with societal expectations of a wife being a supportive partner who cooks, cleans, and takes care of the family, often depicted in TV, movies, and books. Her mother worked a high-profile job but still made time to cook, while her grandmother embodied the traditional 'throwback' definition of a wife focused on domestic duties.
How does Carolyn balance independence and unity in her marriage?
Carolyn believes it’s important to maintain independence in a marriage. She emphasizes having a support network outside the relationship, such as friends or hobbies like singing. She also values boundaries and respecting each other’s need for personal space, acknowledging that being together all the time can be overwhelming.
How does Carolyn define 'wife' for herself while being in a long-distance relationship?
Carolyn defines being a wife as supporting her partner emotionally, such as being there to listen or encourage him, while also prioritizing self-love and maintaining her sense of identity. She rejects the societal notion of a wife being a 'supporting player' and instead focuses on mutual support and personal growth.
What are some of the outdated or problematic definitions of 'wife' Carolyn found on Google?
Carolyn found definitions on Google that described a wife as a 'helper' to her husband, with archaic terms like 'an old or uneducated woman.' She also encountered stereotypical categories like 'the nurturer,' 'the little girl wife,' and 'the bossy wife,' which she felt placed women in secondary roles and didn’t reflect her own experience or values.
What is Carolyn's reframed belief about defining 'wife' for oneself?
Carolyn reframes the belief 'you can't define wife for yourself' to 'you can and should define wife for yourself.' She emphasizes that individuals should choose their own definitions, let go of others' opinions, and maintain their sense of identity. She believes that defining 'wife' on one’s own terms is essential for a healthy and authentic relationship.
What is one of the biggest lessons Carolyn has learned from being married?
Carolyn has learned the importance of communication in marriage. She stresses the need to express one’s needs to avoid resentment, listen actively to her partner, and compromise when necessary. She also highlights the importance of knowing when to prioritize oneself while still supporting the relationship.
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