739. The Hard Dating + Relationship Truths Everyone Needs to Hear with Jillian Turecki
01:20:44 Share

Welcome to the Almost 30 Podcast. I'm Lindsay. And I'm Krista. And we're your hosts, guides, and friends on this path. Almost 30 is not about your age. It's about the feeling. All of us are almost something, seeking community and resources to support the rumblings of transformation within us. Our conversations are deep dives, shepherded by our insatiable curiosity and desire for connection, enduring inspiration, and a sense of levity that we can all benefit from.

We're looking to find the magic in the human experience. Buckle up, baby. Your evolution is waiting. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Almost 30 podcast. It's Lindsay, and this is my best friend, Krista Williams. We're so happy you're here. How we feeling? Welcome to the show. I'm so excited about this episode with Jillian. It's just one of the best. I just... I...

I love her very direct, but very loving approach to relationships. Her writing is like some of my favorites. I don't know. It's so clear. I literally think about it. Why do I love it? There was a post she did the other day that says, we don't talk enough about how looking at our phones while someone is trying to connect with us is a form of rejection.

Simple. You said the facts and it's so real. So real. It's just, it's just so good. Like, yeah. And I also think she, she gives us, and maybe this is why the subtitle of her book is such, but like she does give us some hard truths with a lot of love and then support behind it. One of something she said the other day about taking a break, maybe it was an email she sent. She's like, the truth is like,

taking a break from a relationship is the end of the relationship. Wow. I don't think it's always 100% true. Wow, that's a good one. But she then goes on to, you know, explain her thoughts behind why. But... Why? One of the reasons, it was kind of a longer in-depth email, but one of the reasons was this inability to...

be in it and face it and actually have conversations about what it is rather than just taking a break from what seems to be really challenging. Oh, that's the biggest. Can we be, can we actually engage on the challenges rather than take a break from them and see if they just magically disappear? Yeah.

I 100%. I mean, as someone that used to run, you know, that was like, it was my limb. I had reached my window of tolerance. You know, you've reached your window of tolerance. You need to take a break. I'm trying to think if I've been on breaks and it's worked. I don't think so. I've taken a break and it didn't work.

I felt like it worked for easing the pain of the breakup. Sure. It supported an easeful transition out of the relationship. Realizing why. Yeah. But it definitely doesn't support the relationship. But yet to go through hard things and lean in further is...

is what we all want. But so many people are not willing to do that. That's the hardest stuff in life. Like you can achieve all these things, but like the hardest thing is sitting in hard relationship. Completely agree. It's so uncomfortable.

Her new book is It Begins With You, The Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. So if you don't know Jillian, she is a relationship coach, teacher, and host of one of the top relationship podcasts. It's called Jillian on Love. But we really... So I polled the audience on their relationship questions. We really go deep on a ton of your questions, which I'm excited to share with you. But

Then we get into the truths that she shares in the book. I want to share some of them with you and kind of see how they land. One of the truths, the hard truths about love is you must speak up and tell the truth.

So I think oftentimes we both, I think, experience this where we aren't saying the thing for fear. Mine is for fear of you'll leave me, you won't love me. It's an ugly truth or it's just something that won't put me in a light that you'll respect me or love me. But she says it's an absolute requirement of love. Yeah.

I was just thinking about a client that I worked with at some point, and I was thinking about their relationship and the codependent dynamics they were in and how the man in their relationship would be like, what are you thinking? Or like, what's going on in your mind? And it's such a sign of codependency to have something that you want to say or think about, but only be able to react to someone, but not actually able to communicate how you feel. So someone saying, what are you thinking about? What's going on through your mind? That person actually can't

verbalize or go into their own experience enough to say what they are feeling and bring it up. So they're trying to react to that person's, what that person says. So how are you feeling? And you're like, oh, I'm okay. And then you can react and then engage. And I was just thinking about that as far as the truth thing, because so many people have no access to their truth.

You know, in codependency, they could have the truth of the basic truth of I'm uncomfortable. Sure. I'm not sure I want to be here. I am not confident about us or I feel this way or feel this thing. But codependency makes it so hard to find your own truth, you know, because your truth is completely dependent on the other person. Yeah. So truth and sovereignty is so different than truth and codependency.

It's like, in truth, the codependency is you're good, I'm good, I'm good, you're good, you're bad, I'm bad, you're bad. You know what I mean? We're both bad together. And I think so many people define how they feel about their relationship on how the other person feels. Completely. That was me forever and ever and ever. For so many people still. Yeah. It's just... So often. And it's painful when you realize that too. Oh, yeah. Because I actually didn't know how to not be that way. Oh, yeah. Obviously, it's a process and working on it in therapy or whatnot, but...

I was like, oh, wow, that makes me sad. Oh, yeah. I don't even know how I feel. I had walked so far from myself. Yeah. I still have to check in how I feel. Yeah. Even right now. I'm like, how do I feel? I ask my girls in one of my groups. I'm like, every day I'm just like, I'm like, how do you feel today? Because I think people that are codependent, people pleasers don't actually know how they feel. Sure. So it's like sitting for 15 seconds. How do you feel?

Yeah. Sometimes there's nothing that comes up waiting long enough till something comes up and like really you're able to tune in how you feel. But the true thing is huge. I'm in conscious, um, conscious relationships. Um, Gay Hendricks, they talk about that too. Like how to have conscious relationship is telling the truth, even when it hurts.

I think it's interesting though, too. You know, I'm always nuanced girly, so I'm going to be so annoying about everything, but what is the truth and what is just your reaction to like, and what is your protection? You know, if you're like, the truth is I want to leave this relationship, but that actually could be you're protecting yourself from being hurt. And the truth is that you're scared. Right. So it's. Yes. Completely nuanced.

Not that I disagree. I'm just like exploring what makes it hard for people. That's what I want to explore. Yeah, it's like what is the layer of...

Because I want to leave this relationship isn't really a feeling. That's a good one. You know, so it's like going... That's a good one. As deep as you can to the feeling rather than like the reaction to the feeling. That's a good one. I think people normally in relationship when they have hard conversations start with something like that. They start with like the...

the hardest thing. They start with like the most intense kind of thing as like protection of like, hey, I'm not really happy. Things are going bad. And then they'll kind of eventually maybe get to, I felt lost. But if you start with the feeling first, it's so much better off. Another truth, lust is not the same thing as love, which we hear, but it's like really...

getting clear on that feeling and what's actually happening when you are lusting over someone and what love really feels like and what it really looks like. I think people can get kind of confused, especially if you are in a place where you're like, I really want to meet my person. And then it's like, I got really confused at like what love was. I thought it was... I thought it was chemistry. Yes. I thought it was chemistry. I thought it was

Like the whole time. Oh, yeah, for sure. 100%. The whole time. Yep. You know, which like to my logical mind, I'm like, that's silly. Like relationships are real. They're dynamic. They're up and down. But it's like,

What I was actually like seeking and hoping for was like kind of the good and shiny all the time. Yeah. I thought it was codependency too. I thought love was codependency. You're good. I'm good. We feel each other, what each other feels. Like we're always on the same page. We always want to do what each other wants to do. Like you're always going to agree with me. I'm always going to agree with you. We're going to have the same opinions on everything. We'll have the same perspectives. We like the same stuff. We want to do the same stuff. Yeah. Like...

Sameness was love. But that's really just safety. It's been interesting since dating. It's like I've definitely had like the spirit of lust sometimes where I can feel it. I'm like, oh, that is the spirit of lust right now. Like that is like percolating. It's so...

It's fascinating to witness it move through dynamics that I'm in. And I'm like, whoa, that is like a palatable, palpable energy that I'm experiencing and that you're experiencing. And you can also see how it kind of moves through committed relationships, quote unquote, where like,

You know, partners can be out in the world and experience kind of this like very sudden, temporary lust for someone they work with. And it's like, you can kind of see how, depending on the person, it could totally sweep you into thinking that that is something. Yeah. But it's actually a natural thing. Lust. Yeah. I think the more you can be okay with it being natural. Yes. I think the better, because I think I used to be so scared of it. I was like, oh my God. I used to be like, oh, if I am attracted to another person, that means my relationship is bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you kind of get older and you're like, oh, actually, I can be a human that's having this lustful experience but also is like choosing to not engage or disengage. Yes. So this conversation is for people in relationship. This is for people who are single. We also touch on, last thing, is like forgiving or making peace with our parents and how that plays a role in your relationships. I'm just laughing at everything. I'm like, wow. Yeah. Wow.

It did. This is what's so annoying is it's so simple. It's so simple. It's so potent, though. Yeah. She's just potent. Potent. Our girl's potent. Direct. But she blends therapeutic strategies, somatic techniques, her client case studies. She has decades of experience, practical tools, tips, and guiding questions, and it begins with you. And I think what I love the most, and I didn't realize that I love this about books, but especially books,

authors like this who have years of client cases. She brings in a lot of those cases to exemplify those points and truths. And it just really hits home the point you'll read a story or multiple that you're like, that's me. Yeah, that really hits. So I just really love her writing style. I adore her as a person. She is so kind. Just, yeah. And she's always willing to help. She was asking about our book and just when you meet these people behind the scenes,

give you a little BTS. Sometimes they're cool. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're not. And we're not going to tell you when they're not, but we're going to tell you when they are. I swear on my grave, I'm going to write a letter to y'all. I'm going to do one YouTube video that's like me in a cabin before my death. That's like, this person actually sucks. This person was so rude. This person's a narcissist.

She's truly the best. She's incredible. And she's doing some of God's work. So thank you, Jillian. Thank you, baby. Jillian Tarecki on Instagram, her show, Jillian on Love, and her new book, It Begins With You, The Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life.

is out now. Congratulations. We love you. All right, guys, we love you so much. Thanks for sending this to a friend, especially ones that are dating or in relationship. This one is just a perfect one to send to someone you love. Also find some of the clips from this, some that we don't share on Instagram, on our TikTok. So Instagram is almost 30 podcast. TikTok is almost 30 podcast. And then the full thing...

And Live and Living Color is on YouTube. Yeah, baby. All right. Zoom in. We love you guys. Thank you for subscribing, rating and reviewing, for loving us for this long. We are so grateful for you. Enjoy. Bye. I just moved and I was going through my supplements before I moved, just making sure that I had...

just the essentials. And I was like, wow, I have so many from JS Health and they have been just incredibly supportive in my life as a mom, as an entrepreneur, as someone who just wants to feel their best at all times. I am obsessed with their magnesium. Y'all, this is my favorite magnesium. It's their Advanced Magnesium Plus.

It's one of the highest quality magnesium supplements on the market and I just feel incredible. It has magnesium glycate, dihydrate, magnesium citrate and magnesium amino acid chelate and it's a therapeutic dose. So this is going to support muscle relaxation and recovery, energy production and nervous system function.

Um, it is my favorite. I take it before bed. It is bomb. I sleep really well. Muscles recover really well. I wake up feeling amazing. So from post-workout to wind down, this is like for you. I also really love and have a few bottles of the detox and deep bloat. Um, this is science backed. It's created for comfort and confidence. Um, and if you're someone who is

just dealing with bloating and just digestive discomfort, this is for you. It doesn't have to do with weight loss or anything like that. It is for detoxification and gut health. So I'm really, really, really excited for you to try JS Health. We have had the founder, Jess, on the podcast many times, and she is just the best. So knowledgeable, so passionate about this brand. They do not mess around when it comes to quality and the ingredients.

This is an Australian brand and I just trust them have taken them four years. So for 20% off your first order or first subscription order, go to jshealthvitamins.com slash A30. You can also use the code almost 30 at checkout. That's 20% off your first order or first subscription. Shop our favorites at jshealthvitamins.com slash A30.

If you are drinking regular water without anything in it, y'all, I hate to break it to you, but I'm really happy because I have the solution. You need minerals, you need electrolytes in your water. Our soils just don't have the proper mineralization anymore, so we're not getting adequate mineralization through our foods.

So we need to add it to our water. And Element has been one of my favorite electrolyte brands. It is just tasty. It's easy. I have the packets with me wherever I go. This is science-backed electrolyte ratio in there. It's 1,000 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, and 60 milligrams of magnesium. There's no junk, no sugar, no coloring, no artificial ingredients, no gluten, no fillers, no B.S.,

And I love all the flavors. I love the orange. That's probably one of my favorites. And I love the mint chocolate chip. I've been dropping that in my warm milk at night and it's great for hydration.

But electrolytes are really important. They facilitate so many functions in the body, including the conduction of nerve impulses, hormonal regulation, nutrient absorption and fluid balance and so much more. If you're someone who's experiencing headaches or muscle fatigue or cramps or sleeplessness, you must, must, must be using electrolytes. So right now Element is offering our listeners a free sample pack with any order. That's eight single serving packets free with any Element order. It's great because you can try out all the flavors.

And you can get it at drinklmnt.com slash almost 30. That's drinklmnt.com, L-M-N-T slash almost 30. This deal is only available through this link. So you must go to drinklmnt.com slash almost 30, drinklmnt.com slash almost 30. And I'll spell it one more time, D-R-I-N-K-L-M-N-T.com slash almost 30. Enjoy. All right, we're here. I've been waiting for this interview for months now. Yeah.

We're here with Jillian Turecki. It's true. I have been. Ever since the last time we spoke, you said to me, book's coming out. Yes, I did. Would love to come back. And I was like, well, you asked me first, but I was going to ask you anyway. Congratulations on the book. Thank you. Your episode was one that I still get DMs about on Almost 30. Oh, yay. I feel like relationships will always be topical. And most importantly, the relationship with ourself. I feel like our community is...

Thankfully, just making that a priority overall and realizing that it's the foundation for everything. So in this conversation, I'm excited. I read the book and I screenshotted so much on my galley on my phone and I'm just going to bring...

just so many things that hit me like a ton of bricks into this conversation. And I feel like will be really helpful for people in our community who are dating, who are in relationships, really everyone in the spectrum. I would love to start with a concept that the book opens with, which is it really starts with you. And I feel like there was a funny part in the book where you're

You're like, hey, I was looking at my past relationships and I realized the common denominator or like the thread was me. The common thread was me. And I think it's a really hard thing for people to come to terms with. It's so much easier to blame. So let's begin there. Let's begin with that. So I think that the common misconception is if I'm the common denominator in all my relationships, then I'm the only problem in my relationships. And that's actually not true.

You could have dated or been married to or in relationship with extremely problematic people, but you chose them. And maybe choosing them was also part of a pattern of yours. So when I say it begins with you and that we're the common denominator in all our relationships, it's not meant to make anyone feel ashamed. I want people to feel empowered because I

What makes us feel so stressed out, anxious and depressed in life is when we feel like we have no agency over our choices, our decisions and our lives.

And so I wrote this book to really help people understand that you have so much more agency than you think. And if your love life, and you can apply this to any area of your life, that's really the point of this book. But if your love life in particular, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're not in a relationship, whatever your relationship status is, if it's not where you want it to be a little bit or even a lot,

That the first place to look is within and your relationship with yourself and looking at your patterns, your habits in relationship. And also simply just recognizing that we were not taught skills of romantic relationship in school. We're taught indirectly by our family of origin. And so...

Hey, here's some skills to help you. But it does, if you point the finger at everyone else, nothing is going to change.

But if you say, you know what, there's some things that I can change. There's some things that I need to heal. There's some skills that I need to learn. You are going to see, I don't care what your past looks like, you are going to see impressive results. Period. Noticing the patterns or the habits within relationship. Can you give examples of that and like how we can really pick up on that?

Yeah, I mean, there's so many. So some really common ones that I've worked with people is, you know, they maybe they don't take into account what's really necessary for a long-term relationship. So they choose partners based on chemistry and that chemistry can be very unreliable. That chemistry could be,

you know, because of some childhood wound that's been unhealed. Or that chemistry could be because the person reminds you of your first crush that you saw in a movie. I mean, it's so nuanced, right? Chemistry is important, by the way. But it can't be the only reason why you get with someone, you know, you could partner with someone. There just could be your pattern of not knowing how to communicate inside of a relationship. So you build a lot of resentment.

And your resentment is the thing that tends to sabotage your experience of the relationship and the relationship itself. Maybe it's a low self-esteem thing. So you don't communicate because of low self-esteem or you choose partners that don't treat you well. Or maybe it's something that you do. Like you're not... You get impatient with your partner. So there's so many different patterns that people have in relationship or in choosing their partners. And so...

What I want, what it's always been my mission to do is to help people to identify what their pattern is or what it is that they need to do to change, to adjust, to heal so that their relationships heal too. The chemistry piece. Yeah. I loved how you talked about it in the book. So-

It's essential and also I think it helped me to understand the truth about chemistry and what's actually happening and how it can change. Yes. Because I think people get a little freaked out when the initial chemistry all of a sudden morphs into something a bit more mundane or maybe not what you expected. So can you explain what's actually happening when we feel chemistry? Yes. So there's a lot. So...

There's a lot that I can say on this topic that I think will be really helpful. First of all, there's different layers to chemistry. There's the chemistry that we're most familiar with is physical chemistry, sexual chemistry, which we call like, you know, physical attraction. But there's also mental chemistry. There's intellectual chemistry. There's emotional chemistry. There's spiritual chemistry. So we feel that connection when we feel really connected to someone, right?

Typically what we're feeling is chemistry in a lot of different layers. We don't feel connected to someone just because we're physically attracted to them. It's like there's something else. Chemistry is very much a mystery.

It's a conglomerate of pheromones, hormones. So there's a lot of chemical things going on. There's smell that's going on. There's also our childhood conditioning of what we find attractive in a person. There's theories, psychological theories that say that, you know, oftentimes if we have a very troubled relationship with a parent,

We will be, we will have chemistry with the person who reminds our unconscious of our parent, even if that person looks nothing like our parent or even presents nothing like their parent personality wise. Um, but that's not necessarily a fact all the time, but it does happen. It's very nuanced. Whoever who can really answer the question a hundred percent will win the Nobel peace prize. You're right. So, um,

It's very nuanced. What I will say is that chemistry is extremely important.

I certainly would not get into a relationship with someone with whom I had no chemistry. And I don't think that, but safety is also really important. You can have both, but if you have a habit of only being attracted to people who are not good for you, that means that something, some sort of internal renovation, if you will, has to happen. Yeah.

So that might mean that it usually points to some sort of self-esteem thing, maybe some sort of unfinished business with a parent. Maybe you don't realize that there's something about this person. They reject you, they hurt you. What is it? A lot of people will go for someone because they present, if you're into men and into the masculine, they may present as edgy and masculine. So you think,

oh, this person is going to protect me. But that same person doesn't have the wisdom to understand that sometimes the quote-unquote bad boy who presents is very protective, who presents as someone who could protect you, which is very attractive to the feminine. If he's the bad boy, that also could mean that he is very mentally weak. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable and emotionally weak. Yes. Has no, doesn't have control of his life or his emotions in any way. He's narcissistic. So that's the person who's very actually far from his masculine and actually is not going to protect you, but he looks like he is. So we have, you know, so I think that it's about

Having discernment that not every person who we're physically attracted to is someone who we should pursue a relationship with and being able to see other things as sexy. Like someone, right? And that's very important. So important. I think it came with maturity for me. Yeah, it comes with maturity. And it also came with experience of...

dating the hot guy. Yes. You know, who either whose EQ was negative or whatever. And just having this experience of or this desire of, you know what, I want more than this. Yeah. You know, and I want something deeper than this. I want something more real than what I'm experiencing in this relationship. And what I started to do was if I got

just a little, it wasn't the ick, but if I started, if I went on a first date with someone and I was like, eh, but I still, I still had a little pull, I would go on a second date. Yeah. And what started to happen was I was meeting people and started dating people who on the outside were not necessarily my quote type, traditionally my type, but there, I was uncovering sexy parts of them. And I was like, whoa. Yeah.

I really like the way that they, you know, engage me in conversation over dinner. It's so sexy. Or the way that they grab my hand as we go through the, you know, it's like... Yes, these little nuanced things. Oh, yes. And I don't think generalization, but I feel like we get turned off

so quickly by the things that we think we need. Yes. And they're not there. Yes. And we go the other way and we're missing out on these like more like really grounded, sexy pieces of someone. Absolutely. And totally. And what I would add to that is it's really hard to...

So if you meet someone and right away, you're like, oh my God, this is my type. Or like, this is even beyond my type. This is my fantasy. Oh my God. Like I'm so attracted to them. They're the hottest thing ever. That's when you need to run. Oh, tell me more. Because that is when, I mean, you know, I don't like to speak in absolutes, but that's,

often the time to run because that's when you're like, I don't even care who this person is. I don't even want to see who they are. And by the way, I'm going to change myself.

in some way or another to be able to seduce this person because now they are the prize. And by getting them, I'm validated. And we are living through our like 14 year old self of wanting to need this person. And we're like, and then we don't even look to see if they're actually right.

And you don't want to be with someone who you can't be yourself with. And so to have that kind of attraction is actually exhausting and it's highly immature. And that's not to put anyone down. I've been there, but it is. And here's the thing.

We're never going to really get the full scope of how attractive we, how attractive a person is and how attracted we are to them until we see them. It's very hard when you're just sitting across from someone, you have to see them interact with family. You have to see them interact with friends. And so I'm certainly not suggesting anyone give someone a chance if you're just like, no, like, you know, like, you're like, no, this is never going to happen. Right.

But it can really, those feelings of connection and chemistry can really grow when you see this person interact with the world, with your friends, when you see how they move in the world. I mean, we are very, we're social animals. So, yeah. Yeah, I couldn't agree more. The piece on kind of abandoning yourself to convince others

that you are lovable, that you would make a great partner, et cetera. I mean, this was my life for so long. Is, I think, a common experience for people and they don't even realize it's happening. I didn't. No. I had, you know, if you would have come up to me at that time in my, say, late 20s, early 30s,

and said, are you a confident person? I'd say, absolutely. I'm confident. I like myself. You know, I'm this, that, the other. But when it came to relationships, I was chasing after the wrong person and I would abandon myself in order to convince them that I'm fantastic. And I just want to talk about what's happening there. This unlovable piece that you talk about in the book that so many of us, if not all of us have in one way or another. Yeah.

So there's a lot here. So one is when our desire to feel connected and loved is stronger than our self-respect, we will betray ourselves. Look, sometimes that urge to be loved and to be partnered and to be in a relationship is so strong and overpowering.

that we will do almost anything to make something work, even if it means not being ourselves, not speaking our truth, not checking in with our bodies and with ourselves and being like, how do I feel around this person? Do I even like this person? Do I even admire this person? Do I even respect this person? So we get like a lot of us will go on a mission because we want to lock it down.

And so the question is, what do you do in that process? So many of us will, you know, especially for women, there's just such a strong urge to connect. And the loss of connection is so incredibly intense for women. It takes a lot of courage and loyalty to oneself, right?

to when they are dating or in a relationship to say, I am willing for this to not work out. I am willing to lose this person if it means that I am telling the truth, that I am saying what it is that I need, that I'm willing to lose this person if it's not the right thing.

I'm willing to lose this person because here's something that a lot of people do. They get a sense that the person is not that into them, doesn't love them as much or isn't emotionally available. And we lie to ourselves about that. And we go on this unconscious like mission to get to be enough for the person because every single one of us, we will not feel enough. Like we ought to be human is to struggle with our value.

But there's a large spectrum there. But there is nothing other than a romantic relationship that will trigger your fears of not being enough. And you could be absolutely with the right person. But when we're angry, when we're triggered, that really is on a deeper layer. When you peel away the onions, that is the fear that you're not going to be enough. And consequently, that you are going to lose love. And because we don't have...

because we are so privileged, especially in our society, to not fear for our lives, physical lives, you know, just walking down the street, the greatest threat, the modern threat is I'm not going to belong. I'm going to lose love. I'm going to be alone. And so this is very real and everyone confronts it on some level.

You want to be aware of that. And you want to be aware of the fact that you never, ever, ever want to compromise what it is that you need and who you are in order to maintain a relationship.

While also knowing that your partner can't make you happy, your partner cannot fulfill you, they can add to it. And by the way, you better know how to meet their needs too. No small task. But it's true. You know, it's so complex. It is. You know, and I think...

I think sometimes we simplify things just because life overall is kind of overwhelming. But I think we are complex. Relationships are complex and they deserve that nuanced, really thoughtful tending to. When you say that, you know, valuing ourselves...

I guess, what does that look like in a relationship? And what does that look like in dating? You know, are there early conversations to have, you know, in the context of a relationship during, say, fights or conflict? Are there certain conversations that need to be had? Because I struggle with this. And I think it's a common thing where...

we just kind of lose the plot in the heat of things. Yeah. Or when the stakes feel really high. Yes. And I don't think they're always super high. You know what I mean? I think we kind of made that in our mind, but can we talk about that? Yeah. Well, let's talk about it first with dating, then we'll get into relationships. So in my view, to value yourself during dating is to know what it is that you want, understand

Be able to distinguish, differentiate between the tolerable and the intolerable because you're going, you are not perfect. And whoever ends up with you is going to have to tolerate some things. So you better be tolerant as well, but you need to know what is intolerable. And then you have to know to value yourself is to say, I am not perfect. I come to the table with certain baggage, but I am deserving of love.

And I am deserving of the kind of love that I want to give. And I'm not going to settle. And so I'm going to get very clear about what is absolutely non-negotiable for me in a partner and in a partnership. And if I meet someone, and even if it's even once I get a little attached, if they are not, if they have, if they don't have any of my non-negotiables and keep that list very compact and tight,

I'm not going to be in a relationship. You know, to value yourself is to say, I want to feel good. I want to feel good. I know that this is going to take work, but I want to feel good. And I am deserving of that. If I am going to bring emotional availability to the table, if I'm going to bring vulnerability to the table, if I'm going to bring love to the table, then I cannot accept anything less than that.

In a relationship, you know, it gets tricky because people can get on their high horses and be like, well, I need to value myself right now. You know, to not lose yourself in a relationship means that you need to have a voice in your relationship.

And some of us have certain patterns of people pleasing or we get so afraid. You know, the people pleasing is simply, first of all, wanting to please your partner is a good thing. Let's not pathologize that. That's a lovely thing. You get two people who want to make each other happy, even though you know that you're not responsible for it. That's a beautiful thing. So, but the people pleasing is I'm going to say and do anything that I can to

Even if it means that I don't want to do that or, you know, whatever it is, or I'm just not going to tell the truth. People pleasing is I'm going to lie over and over again because I'm so afraid of losing you. I'm so afraid of not being enough. So a relationship needs the truth. It needs your voice. It needs communication.

And to value yourself is to prevent losing yourself in it. And to lose yourself is to not speak up. Yes. I think we also forget that within a healthy relationship, speaking up and telling the truth is a way to get closer. Yes. Is a way to strengthen the connection. I think I've forgotten that many times, but I'm reminded every time I actually do it,

Yes. That was really powerful. And they didn't, you know, abandon me. And we're still here. And there's more clarity between us. And there's more respect too. I think the speaking up and really...

advocating for what's important to you is also like another thing that's quite attractive to someone who has a healthy understanding of how that brings, you know, stability to a relationship. Absolutely. You know, it's all about intention. Are you speaking up because you want to be right? Are you speaking up in service of the relationship? Are you speaking up because you don't want to be resentful?

and then destroy your relationship with that resentment? Or are you speaking up, you know, whatever it is. And it's all in the delivery of it. Can we talk about the delivery? Because the book does a great, you do a great job in the book of giving us scripts. Yeah. Little scripts that help to kind of, I need that. Because sometimes I get so like caught up on the words that I'm using. So this is really helpful. First of all, you're allowed to be angry at your partner. And you're allowed to get passionate about your anger.

But there is so much beauty in being able to say, I love you. This is like, I'm here. Like, I'm not going anywhere. And I'm just really, really frustrated right now. We need to talk about this. Like, this was so not okay. And then you calm down and you're like, okay, from my perspective, the story that I'm telling myself is that you...

you didn't care about me when you did this, right? Part of being accountable in a relationship is speaking, is telling the truth and communicating, but it's also being able to say, you know, my mind, and there's a chapter on this, my mind is a freaking battlefield right now. And I'm creating a whole story about how you don't like me or how you don't love me or how you don't care. And I'm really frustrated about this. You know, so you can, that, there's so much wisdom and there's so much like beauty in that.

versus you didn't do this and you didn't do that. Or, you know, maybe it's a conversation where you're sitting down and you can say, you know, I would really love to talk to you about something. It's not going to be the easiest conversation, but, you know, I just want to get a few things off my chest and it would mean so much to me if you can just like be patient and listen and then we can talk about it. Yeah. I loved the...

one of the scripts, a few of them where it's just like, you know, I'm sure you've been feeling similarly. Yeah. You know, I'm sure you've been a bit frustrated too, or maybe you haven't felt heard as well. It's like, I think it's so important in those moments that we also acknowledge like, I'm sure you have some stuff that you want to talk about too. If you feel disconnected from your partner, almost guaranteed they feel disconnected from you too. Yes. Yes.

But we're so in our heads. And this is one of the chapters that I felt was so helpful because I believe it's the mind is a battlefield. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so true. And we know what it feels like to be up there and to be caught there and to be overwhelmed by the looping thoughts and the lies that we're telling ourselves. How can we...

ideally before we have these conversations get out of our heads. Yeah. More into our heart or our bodies. So there's a couple of things. There's something called regulation and there's co-regulation. So ideally you want to be able to co-regulate with your partner. But sometimes what happens is that a conversation will get heated or you feel really heated beforehand.

And that's not when to talk to your partner, right? You want to actually instead... Sorry, I just have like a... Oh, yeah, it's a good time. Just die. You want to instead be like, okay, I feel... You can say, I feel a little crazy right now. I feel really angry. I feel really, really heated. I know that whatever is going to come out of my mouth right now is not going to be nice. So go for a walk.

If you can, go work out. Call a friend. Take a five-minute nap. Take a shower. Anything that will change your physiology so that you can go from your blood pressure being really high to it relaxing. Maybe you need a meal. Maybe you need to eat something because when we are really hungry...

we can become very ungrounded when we eat something, especially if we eat something like, you know, cooked or something like that. We ground our energy and we calm down. Literally, we stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system with some warm grounding food or drink. So do anything to change your physiology and then have the conversation. If you're in the conversation, things are getting heated. Couples are really good to have like a code word that they agree on where, um,

someone feels themselves getting really flooded with emotion, say, okay, timeout. And then you take a little timeout, you take some space, and then you come back to the conversation.

So, but it's also lovely to be able to co-regulate. Like maybe you're having a hard conversation, decide to go on a walk together, you know, or maybe there's like, it's never underestimate the power of just touching each other. Like having, you know, holding hands while you're having a difficult conversation. Yes. I think that's, that's a super powerful one that might be hard for people to ask for, but yeah. Yeah.

It's so helpful for both because I think we can be so far from someone, say across the room and we're...

basically we're in our own experience and we're unable to kind of feel and remember what it is that's important. Sometimes I'll ask my husband, I'm like, can you just hug me? Yeah, I was just going to say a hug. I'm like, I just need to, it's this reminder for me. I know he's not going to leave me. I know that he loves me no matter what. Yeah, but it's touch. It's touch. I'm like, I just kind of need that signal to my body because my body's telling me,

We got to go. Yeah, unsafe. Fight or flight. Yeah. Yes. So that's super, super powerful. I would say to those who are single and dating. Yes. Make sure that that person's hug releases some nice hormones in your body. Tell me more about that. Look, it's not a guarantee. You know, you could date a great hugger and they could turn out to be like the worst person for you, right? So there's no foolproof, but there is something really...

I want people to be more connected to their bodies and how their bodies feel. And like, if we've had a lot of trauma or we've had a lot of pain or just even just the world that we live in, we're so disconnected from our bodies and we get so in our heads and our bodies really do tell us so much and we become so hypervigilant.

And so I really want to encourage all people to connect with their body. Like, how do I feel when I'm with this person? How do I feel when this person touches me? How do I feel when I touch them? What does a hug feel like with this person? Yeah, this is really, especially for those of you out there who are dating, you definitely have those feelings.

sensations in your body, the messages that your body are sending to you. And there's usually a little fight that's happening between your mind and your body that's like, I don't know, maybe you're just, maybe you're just reading it wrong. Also anxiety and excitement are very similar physiologically. So sometimes it's hard to know, but here's the thing. There is, if you have a lot of anxiety in dating, give someone the chance who you actually feel very comfortable to be yourself around. Yeah.

I like that. I especially recommend that. I recommend that to everyone, but I especially recommend that to people who've experienced a lot of trauma, childhood trauma. They've, you know, they are, they choose the worst partners and then they are, they also themselves, you know, you choose that you choose a terrible partner and you're still dating them. Chances are your, your worst self is showing up too.

That is the truth. Because it does begin with you. Because it keeps you right where you are. It keeps you right where you are. And look, most toxic relationships, unless there's a clear abuser and a victim, most toxic relationships are what we would refer to toxic, are really two people bringing out the worst in each other. Yeah. So...

It does. It really, really is helpful for people who have a lot of experience, negative experience in relationships is to date the person who you feel really relaxed around so that you can get, you can train your nervous system to adapt to a new normal, which is, this is actually how I should feel. Now that doesn't, and then, and what I will add is,

Then you can learn how to delineate between the excitement of passion and novelty and that not taking away from safety. Okay. Because you want to be able to, you don't want to, you know, you want to feel a little excitement. You don't want to feel dead inside when you're around someone, but you do also want to feel like you can be yourself. What I'm hearing is it sounds like friendship a little bit. And I think people get a little...

They're like, friends. You know? But I really love what you're saying. And it's so true. So I guess what is the importance of...

that friendship quality of the relationship, both in dating and in your long-term relationship? Well, studies suggest that in long-term relationship, friendship is really the thing that really increases longevity. But we all know that it can easily become like just a friendship. Sure. And that can create a lot of pain too. But I think that if you want longevity and you want to feel like your life feels...

your lifespan is potentially increasing because of your relationship, then you're going to need a good friend. Mm-hmm. Um,

Look, I think that trust and safety are the foundation. Trust and respect, which really creates emotional safety, are the foundation. And so all I'm saying is take the time with someone. And if you have a rocky relationship past, yeah, I would build a friendship first. It depends. If there's been a lot of trauma there, that's usually what I, you know, tell people.

Which feels, yeah, it feels, it's like the proper stepping stones rather than jumping in.

You know, where you jump into your patterns and then sex is involved and then you're not thinking clearly. You want to train yourself to be able to feel safe with someone and to build a foundation of safety with someone. But overall, I'm not suggesting, you deserve both chemistry and safety. Yes. But you need to also have chemistry with good people. And I think understanding what that feels like. Yeah, and understanding what that feels like.

I am so excited to share with you guys an incredible scientific breakthrough to support our long-term health and wellness. I know we're at an age where we're like, we want to live a long time and also be healthy throughout that time, right? And

fatty 15 is what I am taking and telling everyone about. So C15 is the first essential fatty acid to be discovered in 90 years. And get this, studies have confirmed that it's three times better, broader, and safer than omega-3. I know a lot of us out here are taking our omega-3s, but this is three times better, broader, and safer. And I'll

All you have to do is take this tiny little pill, it's kind of crazy. But a new study has come out about the first new nutritional deficiency in 75 years called cellular fragility syndrome. This is caused by a lack of the essential fatty acid C15.

So as many as one in three people worldwide may have low C15 levels and cellular fragility syndrome, which can accelerate aging-related breakdown and impair metabolic, liver and heart health. It's wild. And this is the pure form of C15.

I'm really, really, really excited for you to try this. I've been taking it for about three months now. I'm feeling great. I feel like I'm looking great. I actually just took a... I did an extensive blood testing and my biological age, not to brag, is 25. I'm 37. So about 12 years younger than my actual age, which is pretty amazing. And amongst many things, I think fatty 15 has been a huge...

player in this. So I'm really excited for you to try it. C15 works in multiple ways. So it repairs age-related damage to cells. It protects them from future breakdown. It boosts mitochondrial energy output, which is that like just powerhouse of the cell. And it activates pathways in the body that help regulate sleep, mood, natural repair mechanisms that support our overall health. It's

pretty fantastic, really powerful. So Fatty 15 is on a mission to replenish your C15 levels and restore your long-term health. You can get an additional 15% off their 90-day subscription starter kit by going to fatty15.com slash almost 30 and using the code almost 30 at checkout. That's fatty15, fatty15.com slash almost 30 and use the code almost 30 at checkout.

Okay, I'm a new mom and I used to read a lot and I just don't have the time to pick up the book, flip the pages, you know, like I used to. And so listening to books has completely changed my life.

I love Audible. Years ago, I downloaded the Audible app and intermittently like on trips and when I'm traveling, I get into my audio books and I am absolutely in love with consuming books in this way. But now as a new mom, I mean, on my walks, in the bath, like while I'm folding laundry, I am listening to

to audiobooks and I am so excited. You can explore over 1 million audiobooks, podcasts, and exclusive audio originals that'll inspire you and motivate you and just scratch that itch. If you want to laugh, if you want to cry, if you want to be inspired, they have something for you. For our community, I know you are into well-being, advice,

really just designing a life that you absolutely love. And there are so many leading professionals and experts on better health and relationships, career, finance, investing, and so much more.

on Audible. And I'm so excited for you to try. You know, listening to audio books has completely helped me to reach some of my goals lately. Like for example, recently I listened to The Let Them Theory. That is Mel Robbins' new book and she has the audio book version and I love it because Mel's reading it. And I was able to kind of have it along with me during my day and then actually implement it.

in the moment. And it was so, so powerful. So, all right, new members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash almost 30. That's audible.com slash almost 30. Or you can text almost 30, almost 30 to 500-500. That's 500-500. Enjoy y'all. The sex piece. So I think...

I'll just speak for myself. But when I was dating at a younger age, that for me was my, my in. That was for me what I wanted to do to evaluate the other person and also feel more connected and also show them why I'm amazing. And LOL. Yeah. Yeah.

And so I think a lot of people now, generally speaking, are just thinking more about, you know, do I want to open myself up like that or give that away so soon? Yes. I guess what would you say to people? Let's talk about those that are dating. Okay. So I really think that, and I'm a sex positive person. So whatever really floats your boat.

The majority of people, at least who I've worked with and who I've known through the years, a lot of people wake up feeling empty the next day after casual sex because what they're yearning for is actually a deeper connection. And if you're just having casual sex with people and not getting close to them, that's not going to feel good over time. Women typically...

And this is the role of estrogen in the body. We produce more oxytocin, which is the bonding chemical or hormone in our body. So after we have sex, typically with someone who we like...

Right? Because women can have sex with someone who's highly inappropriate, who they're not really that into, but they want to have a fun night and they want to get laid. Fine. But for the person who they actually like and they're really drawn to, once they have sex with that person, they usually have a lot of expectations that this is going to develop into a relationship, that the feelings are mutual. And so what my whole thing is talk about sex beforehand. And yeah, I don't think...

I think one way that women can value themselves is to say, you know, and this is not every woman, but if you are a woman and you're listening to this and you can honestly say, oh, wow, there are men or even women who I've allowed into my body and to have that experience with me. And when I think about it,

I shudder. I shudder to think that I let that person... If you have that anywhere in your thought process...

then one way to value yourself is to make it so that someone has to earn their spot in your bedroom. And meaning like they need to earn it. There needs to be a connection there. You need to feel good with them. You need to uncover some of their character. So if it's important to you, and again, this is not shaming, I don't want to judge anyone, but if it's important to you that you...

share fluids with someone who you deem to be a good human being, then and that that is what feels energetically and emotionally and intellectually right for you, then wait, wait. And what is that conversation? Or if you get attached really quickly and you've gotten your heart broken a lot, you got to wait. So what does that conversation look like?

Very simple. I'm in a place in my life. Well, first of all, always reach if you're attracted to the person, always reassure them because everyone has an ego. And a lot of times people will get fed that line. A lot of men in particular will get fed that line like I want to wait. And it's very typical for him to be like, oh, she's just not that into me. You know, and we assume that it's because.

They want to have sex sooner than we do. Yeah. I mean, and they may want to have sex soon. They probably do want to have sex sooner. But if they're turned down, they might assume they're being turned down because they're being friend-zoned. Sure. So it's important that if you are attracted to someone, but you're wanting to wait to say, I think you're super attractive and I want nothing more than to go to bed with you or whatever it is, like reassure them.

But I'm in a place in my life where I'm not doing casual sex. I want to get to know someone. I want something deep and powerful. I don't know how long that's going to take, but that's where I'm at. And if the person really likes you, they're going to say fine. And they're probably even going to be a little turned on by that. That's the truth. That is the truth. But if they're not that into you and they really just want you for sex,

they'll be out the door. Yeah. And good. Exactly. Yeah. That's the whole thing about telling the truth and speaking up in this way. Yeah. It really is a nice filtration system at the end of the day. Yeah.

Sex means different things to different people. Why? Why is that? Well, because everything means different things to different people. The meaning that we assign to things varies from person to person. There's no objective reality. There's only subjective reality. So...

What I would urge people is to evaluate where they are in their life and what sex means to you now. And then live your life and date in accordance, in alignment with what your value system is currently around sex. And then you will be good. And know yourself, know your weaknesses, know your vulnerability. If you're someone who gets attached after sex...

Just know that the person you're having sex with might not get attached to you. So you got to know what you're getting yourself into. That's just called personal responsibility. Yeah. And that's a huge message I feel like in the book is just taking responsibility. Your life will be better. Yes, it will. Yeah. Yes, it will. That brings me to the no one is coming to save you truth. Yeah. Which I really think is a hard truth. Yeah.

Yeah, let's talk about it in the context of relationship because in a relationship, that interdependence, that healthy interdependence is, I think, so life-giving and important. And then there are aspects of our own experience that, you know, we can't really rely on others to, quote, fix or improve. So let's talk about that. Let's talk about it because it's important.

One of the hardest lessons, like the most profound lessons I ever had to learn and one that I have found that every single person without fail has had to learn is that our fulfillment is our responsibility. And that there's no one person out there who's going to come into your life

and fulfill all of your needs all of the time and give your life meaning and give your life purpose and take away your problems and take away your anxiety and take away your depression. A person never commit to anyone who doesn't add extreme value to your life and makes it so that you feel stronger to face your own fears. Mm-hmm.

They support you as you face your fears. They support you as you face your obstacles. But no one can give your life meaning. We have to find meaning and we will find meaning in a relationship for sure. But even if you think that a romantic relationship is all you need to feel like your life is meaningful...

It's never, ever going to because you're in a relationship with another autonomous, flawed human being. So if you think or you expect, I should say, that a romantic relationship is going to give you all the meaning that you need in life and all the fulfillment that you need in life, guess what?

But every time your partner displays any sign of imperfection, you're going to hate them and you're going to resent them and you're going to blame them. And then you are going to be a nightmare to be in a relationship with. And this is the truth that people really need to understand.

Because when we have that expectation, like I said, any deviation from who I have projected onto you. Yes. The pedestalling of the person. The pedestalling of the person or what I expect and all my rules and who you should be.

And so we're always straddling this line in a good relationship. Let's say this is a healthy relationship. You're right. You're with the right person. You're not in a, you're not in a shitty relationship. You're always going to be straddling. This is where the self-awareness comes in and where mindfulness comes in, which is,

you know, am I loving you right now or am I punishing you right now because you're not filling all the unrealistic criteria that I have for you? And we are constantly having to check it. We are going to have to check in with ourselves and being like, am I being loving right now?

Or am I being unrealistic or am I projecting onto this person right now? What within us is creating the projections? Is it a feeling, the feeling of like needing more stability or what is that? So it starts with the romantic notion that there is this one person who exists to complete us. Okay. So it starts with that historically. That's what it starts with. Um,

You know, it gets tricky. Women, we want safety, but a lot of women will... A lot of people look for love in the wrong people. It's like, I want safety, but I'm going to go for the person who's never felt safe inside themselves. And so they can never be safe for me. Or I want safety, but I have not done any of the work to feel like I have my own back too. Right. So...

This is why I wrote the book so that people can really see themselves in these different stories and to see, you know, what it is that they could be struggling with. But that projection comes, you know, because here's the truth. When we meet someone...

We think we're looking at this person or even if we're in a relationship, we think when we're triggered, we're looking at this person. But really what we're seeing is our mom, we're seeing our dad, we're seeing our former relationship. We have a filter and that filter is the filter of our past. It's the filter of our past. And what exists in our past? Many people, childhood, wounds, happiness, all sorts of things. And so...

Self-awareness and mindfulness is being able to say, okay, am I loving this person or am I just seeing them as mom and hating them? You know, am I loving this person or, you know, are they, because neediness, neediness is I'm expecting you to be everything for me all the time.

And so that's sort of what we have to really pay attention to. No one was put on this earth to make you happy and fulfilled, but there are certainly people who can really support you in your pursuit of meaning.

And so, and I think that that's something we have to remind ourselves constantly in a relationship. Now, I feel I do have to add something because I've worked with so many people who have been in partnerships and relationships with people who treat them terribly. And for them, their lesson is, yes, no one is coming to save you, but also know that a relationship should feel like you should feel happier in the relationship than you do sad. Yeah.

Correct. Overall. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that sounds like a duh statement, but it's actually something that we need to really like stop and feel into. I know a lot of people think that, you know, their association for the relationship is it should be laborious. Now, a relationship is not easy. You have to put in the work. And the more complicated you are and the bigger your ego is,

The more complicated, the more work you're going to have to do in a relationship. But you can do it. Yes, you can do it. You can do it. You can clean the... I just saw the visual of like when you said the filtration system gets kind of clogged with your past. It's like there is...

that opportunity to really clean it out and have that filtration system be really clean, really clear and work for you in relationship or in dating. I wanted to articulate something that I've felt when it comes to your partner or the people you're dating, not being like everything you need to feel happy, secure, all the things. There have been times in my life where...

I really wanted them to be the one to make me feel all the good things because I was too, I'll say tired to provide those things for myself or seek them myself. And tired, I think spoke to...

The other aspects of my life, the things I was doing, the people I was in relationship with, things I was pouring my energy into were actually draining my energy. And so I wasn't able or wanting to actually put the energy into...

the work within myself, how do I feel? How do I like really advocate for my own joy, happiness, stability? So I just wanted to articulate that because I think it can be sneaky how other aspects of our life

draining us and then we're unable to show up to our really important relationships as the best version of ourselves. Have you ever felt that in your life? Absolutely. Why am I just feeling so depleted and unable to like really show up? It's called stress. Yeah. It's like...

It's called stress. And, you know, believe it or not, stress is one of the biggest causes for divorces and breakups. People not knowing how to handle their stress, how to cope with their stress, how to communicate through their stress, how to, how to, lots of women in particular, new moms, they, you know, everything is about, let's make sure everyone is nurtured and fed, but I won't nurture and feed myself.

So you do, you know, it's like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. You do very much have to, you know, you take care of your, when you take care of yourself, you take care of the relationship and all relationships. So, so what you're saying, what I'm hearing you say is, is, yeah, you think, okay, I'm

Let me go to these relationships to kind of fill me up and to be my oxygen again. And sometimes they can be. But usually, and then you get disappointed when they're not. And I think that it just points to, oh, something needs to change in me. Something in my day needs to change in my habits. So I think that that beautifully demonstrates that.

self-awareness and just also personal responsibility, like being accountable for how we're feeling. Yes. And those moments when I'm able to and really take responsibility, it's almost like a little kickstart to my engine where I'm like, oh, right, I can do this. Like, and it brings back all the energy that I've been like kind of pouring out back to my center. And then I feel more like myself. Yes.

Yeah. So I just wanted to articulate that because I sometimes feel like we don't know why we're just so depleted and leaning unhealthily on other people to make us happy. It also makes me think about codependency a little bit. And I know we've spoken about this on the podcast before, so we won't get too far into it. But I do think a lot of people struggle with it. Will we struggle with it our whole lives and just become more aware of it and be able to...

Yeah, kind of pivot when it comes up because I do feel like it still pops up for me. Yeah, well, I think a lot of people... I think codependency has become like this dirty word. And really it's like the classic codependent relationship is between someone and an addict and you're trying to change the person. I think that what I like to really...

Instead of using the word codependent, it's just, am I expecting my partner to change so that I can be more comfortable? Am I expecting my partner to make me happy when I'm not doing anything to make myself happy? And am I abandoning myself because my partner is definitely not who I legitimately need them to be? And so I'm putting all my focus on energy in them and changing them while...

completely ignoring and neglecting myself. Yeah. Yeah. I needed that definition. Okay, good. I hope that was helpful. Yeah. Very helpful. Okay. A couple more questions. One question from the Almost 30 community. Oh, great. There is someone, and I'm sure a lot of you out there are going to feel this, dating someone for, I believe she said six months. And she's like, should I say I love you?

Oh, yeah. I've gotten this question a few times. She's like, I feel this. I feel like I love this person, but I also don't want to be the first one because what if? This was a question that was presented to me in another podcast, actually. Yeah. And you talk about it in the book as well. And I just thought it was so, so beautifully articulated. So what would you say? I would say that she should tell this person

that she loves him. Did they say? A heterosexual woman to a man. So I used to, let me just preface this by saying, I used to have the belief, absolutely no way would I ever say I love you before a man says I love you. Oh, wow. Like no way. Why did you feel that way?

Because the man, quote unquote, is supposed to say it first. That's like how it's done. And, you know, and I need to be a little bit, you know, I need to be pursued and I do need to be pursued. But when you're in a six month relationship, you know, and you feel love. So what I later discovered is that what is actually most amazing about a person is their confidence to be vulnerable and to live more in their hearts.

I think six months in, she should just say it and just say, you don't have to say it back. You can say it back when you're ready. Although I will say if after a year, someone is not able to, a man is not able to say, I love you. He doesn't love you. Period. Period. Yeah. It's true. It's true. But six months in, yeah, you want to hear it back. But I think, so what I would tell that person is, what's your intention? Mm-hmm.

Do you want to tell this person because you want them to know, because you want to freely express yourself, because you want them to feel the love, your love in their hearts?

I like that. Or do you want to tell them because you want to hear it back? And I mean, we all want to hear it back, of course. But is your intention to like solidify, okay, now we are both in love. And so now we're taking our relationship to the next level. Yes. And so if it's not the first one, then wait. Yeah, I could not agree more. Could not agree more. I think that confidence...

in saying I love you and energetically or literally saying you don't have to say it back. Yeah. Or just kind of holding that is so powerful. Yeah, you can say you don't have to say it back, but in the back of your mind, know if you're a woman and you're dating a man and he can't say it over the next six months, he doesn't love you. Yeah, very true. I mean, or he's so blocked emotionally that there's going to be other trouble because of that. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry to interrupt. No, not at all. Not at all. No, that was super helpful. The last piece and the last truth that I, I don't know why I was surprised by it. I was like, oh, this is the truth. It was really powerful. Is you must make peace with your parents. Yeah. This is a big one. It's a big one. Yes. I feel like my first four years of therapy were like,

And I have incredible parents, but we all have our stuff. Yeah. And they're the ones that kind of shaped us. Yes. For better or for worse. Yes. And my life has completely shifted. And my relationship with my parents has shifted. That's lovely. And so it's just, it's like this one decision that I feel like resituates your entire solar system of life. Yes. Yes.

Okay. So some disclaimers, your childhood experience with your parents and your caregivers is going to show up in your romantic relationships. It's going to show up in how you date. It just is. I, so something that I mentioned the book, if you were molested, severely abused by a parent, I don't want you to make peace with that parent. I have no interest in that. I don't suggest it.

For cases like that, what I have in the past helped people do is to learn how to become heroes in their story rather than just survivors. Because if you had to survive that kind of abuse, in my eyes, you are a hero. Yes. So, and also making peace with your parents doesn't mean that they need to be alive. And it doesn't mean that you have to love them or feel love for them.

It doesn't mean that's going to be all rainbows and unicorns. It means what is the story that you have about your parent that is controlling your life without your consent? So in other words, unconsciously. And can you start to question the way that you see them

and question some of this narrative that you have about who you think you have to be in this world in order to get their approval, can you start to question all that from a wiser you?

and therefore arrive to some peace. And therefore, consequently, not feel so controlled by a story that might be burning your relationships. Yeah. The story that controls your life without your consent is very powerful to kind of reframe. Yeah, I think it's one of the most powerful things you can do in this work is to make peace with your parents. Lastly, I feel like a lot of people just feel like

They're too far gone. Or they're too old. They've, you know, too late to heal themselves. All false. All a story. All bullshit. Yes. All incredibly bullshit. Look, I wish...

For people who feel that way, look, I wish that you found it when you were younger. Sure. You know, but it is absolutely not too late. It's not too late to start a new career in your 60s. It's not too late to get married in your 70s. There are people who are finding partnership in your 80s. I'm not saying that it's easy, but it's not impossible. And so if you're telling yourself, you know, it's too late for me, you have to understand that I understand and I have compassion and empathy.

You're also, you're in, you are in a weakened state. You're telling yourself a story. Your body is feeling encumbered. You know, your shoulders are probably rounded forward. You're probably not breathing deeply. You're in something called learned helplessness where you think things are permanent and pervasive and never going to change. And you have to figure out a way with the help of others and whoever that help is, whether it's a book or a book,

whether it's listening to something, you need to get out of your own way because the quality of your life is really determined on the quality of your mind and the way that you think about things. And I say this with nothing but compassion. I have to get out of my way a lot.

I was raised in a family with a bipolar father and a mom who was miserable with him and therefore depressed. I was raised by immigrant parents. The glass was half empty, not half full. So I really have to work hard to train myself in that way. But...

it still begins with you and you have to get out of your own way. It's not true. It's false. I've worked with, you know, a lot of women will have this narrative or after 40. I mean, I work with women in their 50s who are like men are falling all over them. Are

Are they good looking? Yes. Are they the hottest thing you've ever seen? No. Why? Because they have a belief that they're deserving, that life is just starting for them, that they are, you know, excited about life.

That's what's magnetizing people to them. It's their belief system. That is so true. And they take care of themselves. So I'm not saying, you know, taking care of your, I'm not going to like say, don't take care of yourself and then expect, you know, people to flock to you. You have to take care of yourself. But you don't have to be perfect or perfect looking to, it's not too late. No.

But you have to fix what's up here in your mind. Absolutely. And I loved just your personal stories in this book. I told you that before we started. Really moving and powerful. Oh, thank you. I mean, the opening of the book, I did not know that about your story. And it's just, it's really just grounds us in this work. So thank you for sharing that too, because I know that's not easy. Yeah, I think, yeah, no, it's interesting because I got to write that, you know, 10 years after it happened. Yeah.

um, I was okay, you know, but yeah, when I, but sometimes when I read it, I was like, wow, you know, you have to dissociate a little bit, but yeah. Yeah, sure. This has been an incredible, um, I'm so, so happy we got to do this in person. Congratulations on the book. The book is right now on this episode is out. It is out. Um, it begins with you, the nine hard truth. It's right here. If you're watching on YouTube about love that will change your life. So

Thank you so much. Love you. Love you. All right, everyone. We'll see you on the next one. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much. Jillian Tarecki, baby. We appreciate you. We love you. That was so much fun. Uh, send this to a friend. I feel like this is definitely a girl's night, kiki session, conversation starter. So get into it. Um, you can find her on Instagram at Jillian Tarecki. Her new book is it begins with you. Uh,

And her podcast is Jillian on Love. Thank you all for subscribing to Almost 30. We have over 700 episodes about relationships, about health and wellness, about spirituality. We really have run the gamut over the last eight years. We appreciate you. Dig on in. And you can pre-order our new book now, Almost 30. Okay, guys. Bye-bye. Later.

you