When a Single Mom Feels Lonely
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Well, there are so many single moms today who feel lonely and unseen. They're dealing with a lot, and it's just really rare to have a friend reach out to them. If that's someone you know, then join us in praying that this episode will be a source of encouragement. I'm John Fuller, joined by the head of our parenting team, Dr. Danny Huerta, and we're going to kick off today with an audio portion from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

in which Pam Farrell and Peggy Sue Wells joined Focus President Jim Daley to discuss some of the difficulties that single parents face. Let me come back with this question too because it kind of fits in the same vein. One time during a holiday, your daughter...

if y'all could just go away. I mean, it is kind of humorous, but one of the things I guess, and I experienced this, and I'm sure Pam, you did too. It's almost as if I'm trying to get a word picture to help everybody understand it. If they didn't live in a single parent family as a child, it's almost like you're the end of your nerves are exposed emotionally. Right? So you react like totally out of proportion, right?

Like that. Can you just leave? Because I don't want anybody around me right now. And of course you're going, what is going on? That's not a normal comment.

And you have to, as the adult, you have to back up and do what you've just said, you know, kind of recalibrate. Where's this coming from? But how did you manage? Hey, just leave till Christmas is over. Well, and when you think about it, what are they leaving from? It's like, can we just get away from the drama? Can we get away from the fact that we used to have one, you know, Christmas, we're supposed to be a family, but now we have to have two and we're going to go over here. And the only person who's not invited is the mom.

It's just, it's un-normal. And so it's like, how do I deal with that? And then of course, if you have people that are being unkind and some people just can move on through the breakup and they just kind of settle in okay. If there's some emotional or mental issues,

That doesn't go away. There just is a continual upstirring of things. And so that happens every holiday. And the attorneys say that they get the most amount of calls over the holidays because you have an agreement. Well, we didn't get along during the marriage. We didn't keep our word there. What makes you think you're going to keep the agreement that's written out on the paper during the divorce? It's not going to happen. So how do you work around that in a way so that there's still some joy here and

and that you don't get engaged and go into, you know, like pulling into all the stuff that's happening and the drama and everybody gets mad and everybody else is mad and then we're gonna like have Christmas.

So we had to work really, really, really hard to say, how can we keep the drama out? How can I not engage? How can I not react? How can I say, oh, you need to change the date? Okay, as much as you can. But of course, if you've got big families coming in and plane flights and all that, you can see it gets pretty simple. Well, and that to me is probably one of the biggest R sinkholes we talked about a moment ago. I mean, talk about that cycle. You get into those discussions, it's resentment, resentment.

Revenge. Repeat. I mean, it's, you know. Instead, you need renewal. Yeah. And so Bill and I, when we work with single parent homes, a lot of times they say, okay, well, I want to raise my kids strong and love Jesus, but I have this ex. I have like this, you know, other that I have to deal with. Yeah.

And we say you can control and you can influence your world, your side of the equation. And so in Tempest Decisions, a single mom can make. We help her walk through. Let's write a family mission statement. Gather the kids together. Let's create a family motto. Let's create a family crest and get the artists and the kids going and put it in crayon, put it up on our refrigerator. And so it gives them something proactive to move from negative to positive. Right.

It gives them an identity. This is who I am. This is where I belong. But also for the mom, the most important thing that we can do is be consistent.

So that it doesn't matter what goes on elsewhere. And I can't control what goes on elsewhere. But they can know that when they come home, we're going to have this consistency. We do Bible time. We have meals together. We do chores together. You know, we have these things where they can like, okay, this is who we are. We're consistent. Yeah, that is so good. We're right at the end. But I think people are getting the idea of how content rich this resource is. You've both done a great job with this book.

And I hope people gobble it up. Two parent families should be reading this material, frankly. But right at the end here, you know, we've got probably two, three million people engaging us right now. So there's going to be a number of single parent moms that are probably looking for help and hope. Speak to her one on one, each of you. Just take 30 seconds, a minute. What would you say to her if she were sitting right in front of you?

You know, Psalm 68, 5 says that God will be a father to the fatherless. So God sees your children and God loves your children just like you love your children and probably more. And he loves you because you're one of his children. And he will rebuild you. He will renew you. He will strengthen you and fortify you. And your today is not your forever. And God has a plan, a future, and a hope.

And one of the most healthy things I saw my mom do is turn around and help other single moms. So she comes to church and her purse is packed with candies and crayons and goodies for all the kids of single moms. And she has gift cards to take that single mom out to lunch. You know, turn around and help somebody else. And you know what? Your life will be enriched because God will bless you for it. Yeah, that's the Christian story, right? Turn around and help somebody else.

How about you Peggy Sue? To know that again, it's an experience. It is not your identity. Single is a relationship status, but mom is always.

And God is at work even in this. And I wish I had been able to more quickly start moving and looking forward rather than always looking in the rearview mirror because I can't fix what's back there. And holding on to that is like having an anchor. But to be able to say, okay, what do you have for me now, God? You have me here in this moment. Where are we going? Move me forward. Help me not to carry the junk, to let that go, and then just to be able to walk forward and...

God called us to love people and to love him. So in this moment, what does love require? Let me walk in that love and let me walk forward. Boy, and that is really freeing. I could feel that because so many women looking in that rear view mirror wear that as guilt.

that they couldn't fix it. And they've got to cut loose of that and rest in the Lord and the future. Behold, all things are new. Life is too short to live looking in the rear view mirror. Oh, it's so true. I so appreciate Peggy Sue and Pam and their stories and their biblical insights. And it's really important, Danny, for a single mom to just ask for help if she senses she needs it. I'm going to say when she senses she needs it. We all need help as parents, but...

man, what can a single mom do? Where can she go to find that help? Well, first of all, ask your friends for help. If you've got a support system, don't be afraid to ask for that. It doesn't make you a weak person at all. But very practical places, the church, women's ministries, they oftentimes help single moms with very practical things, financially, groceries, everything.

that are needed, but also counseling helps at churches. They have many of those for single moms and just for parents in general. You have access to that, and those are either low cost or free. And then our counseling team here, single moms can call our consultation line and speak with one of the counselors at 1-800-232-6459.

or 1-800-A-FAMILY. Yeah, and you used to work on that team. That's right, John. I loved working there. I spoke with many single moms and dads there.

that called that line and spent 20, 30, 40, 50 minutes with them problem solving with their specific situation on where they could find help in their local area. And we do have a Christian counselors network that we refer to. And through those counselors, many times they have resources that they can refer people to. And we count on them to do that, to know the local resources, because we can't keep up with that here, focus on the family, all the

great local resources that each community has to help with very practical and sometimes emergency needs that a single parent could have. I remember talking to my wife early on in our marriage, and I said, man, I cannot believe how single parents can do this.

It takes a lot of work to juggle everything, keep track of all the details, have enough emotional energy to be emotionally present with each kid. Then keep up with what's going on at school, keep up with the bills. It's a lot to keep up with. And so single parents, make sure you're giving yourself grace in that. And as you're asking for help, know that you are opening up margin to have very important time with your kids as you're guiding them

in a time, in a season that is difficult for them trying to do life without that one other parent that they could access in this time of their development. So lean into those resources around you and the ones I mentioned, and may God guide you and bless you.

as you're strengthened by His Spirit during this season of your life. Amen. Yeah. And again, the number 800, the letter A in the word family, and we've got details in the show notes about our consultation line and also counselors in your area. And then we do have the encouraging resource that Peggy Sue and Pam wrote called The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. Reach out to us and get a copy of that for ongoing encouragement.

Well, next time, Danica Cooley shares about instilling a love for the Bible in your children. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and our entire team, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically-based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.

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