Accept Your Spouse’s Limitations
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Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. One of my favorite t-shirts in the merch store at drlaura.com reads, you picked him.

Stop picking on him. I love that. It's something I say to callers a lot, mostly to women who tell me they can just no longer live with their husband's bad habits, insensitivities, lack of ambition and such. And I always ask, when did you first notice these negative behaviors? Followed by, did your mother, sister, best friend, anyone point out these red flags to you?

More likely than not, the behaviors existed before the marriage and before the children. More likely than not, someone pointed out the potential for a problem, but that usually doesn't stop women from plowing forward, assuming they will somehow be able to manage or even change what they don't like about their husbands. Alice is a good example.

She wrote to me saying, I often hear you ask people if they saw some of the negative things that currently exist in the relationship prior to marriage. The answer seems to always be, yeah, I did see some things before marrying my husband seven years ago that I believed would change. Why would you believe that? While there have been some improvements, sadly, I also realize a lot is just going to remain the same. We now have three adult daughters and our combined family and one grandchild.

I often feel like an outsider looking in, giving my best to the relationship and showing up, but not getting the same in return. I'm often ignored or made to feel second. On top of that, I have an intrusive and entrenched mother-in-law. I don't want to get divorced, but what are some ways I can share my feelings with my husband about prioritizing our marriage instead of putting everyone in his family first?

All I can say to Alice and others like her is that day you decide to marry, knowing that a problem exists, is the last day you have to make changes. Not everything can be fixed. That's why I do what I do on radio, so I can forewarn others to not imagine things will change simply because...

You want it to, or you hope it will. You marry a person as is, and from that point forward, the best you can do is take it or leave it. Might sound rough, but it's accurate. The man you marry is not going to be perfect. You're not going to be perfect, but you can have a very happy marriage if the two of you are good enough to one another in the more demanding moments. Compassionate, understanding, supportive, kind, funny,

I don't get why more women don't understand that bitching and complaining won't make a marriage better. If you want to improve the quality of your relationship, the most you can change is yourself. And you really must be willing to do that, especially when kids are involved. You don't get to destroy their lives just because you didn't choose wisely. Come on. I'm going to take a break. And in the break, I want you ladies to think one sweet thing about your husband.

Yeah. Stay with that. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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complaining, leaving, spinning your wheels, trying to make your spouse change are not your only solutions. Sometimes the change that needs to take place is in your hands. As I explained to Cindy when she called. Cindy, welcome to the program. Thank you, Dr. Laura. You're welcome. Calling from Idaho today. Well, thank you. And I am in my 36th year of marriage to one man. Wow.

And, yes, and it is miserable, but not for the conventional three A's, as I like to refer to them, addiction, adultery, you know, the three A's, the biggies, abuse. Abuse, yeah. But still, yes, but still finding myself miserable. Is this recent misery or 30-something years of misery? What are we looking at?

The first year I noticed that things were not in sync. We did most of our dating over the phone.

And it was great on paper and then a leap of faith. And so getting into the marriage, it definitely felt like, well, I just went conventional with it up until just a year ago when he was diagnosed with ADHD Asperger neurodiversity, which helped me solve the mystery just to cut to the chase of what I've been trying to put together myself.

my whole entire time with him, three children later, now an empty nest. I have time to look at this hard and realize that there's just conflict and difficulty without the three A's. And those are the only reasons I thought you get a divorce is because of those sort of felonies. Forget misdemeanors in a marriage. What is the behavior that for over three decades and several kids has been bothering you? What's the behavior? You see.

Thank you. You spoke yesterday when you were speaking about children and their basic need is connection. I would say that's a basic human need no matter how old, right? No connection. It's almost robotic. And again, I hate to speak badly about him. He's lovely. I mean, that's what I'm here still for is that there's lovely qualities there and I care deeply. But there's no connection. And so the loneliness within the marriage couple,

coupled with conflict because you can't resolve even if now with the diagnosis and I've read all the books Melissa Orlov don't know if you're familiar with her the ADHD effect on marriage you know it really I get I get crazy when people suddenly 35 years later have a diagnosis and now they're going oh but the truth is the first day you married him you knew there was a problem

That would have been time to get some help. I think I knew on the honeymoon. I think I knew on the honeymoon, but again, I couldn't put my finger on it because every time I bring anything up... Oh, stop. Stop. Stop. Okay. Yes, you put your finger on it. There was no connection. You don't have to call an ADH or any other... Okay. Ma'am, can you calm it down a little bit? I never trusted myself until I got that validation. Sure. One does not need validation to know that something and someone is uncomfortable to them. Right. Right.

So asking the question about divorce, I vote no. And I'll tell you why. Number one. Okay. Thank you. You made an ignorant choice. Ignorant does not mean stupid. Ignorant means you didn't have the information and you didn't care because it was so romantic. So that leap you took obligated you, especially when you started cranking out babies with the extended family that ultimately comes from that, which would be very torn asunder if you decided to leave and go dating.

with everybody then closing in around dad because they feel bad about him and are pissed off at you for abandoning him. You would not be happy. Secondly, if you woke up tomorrow and he were gone, give me three things you would miss. Companionship. I don't like being alone. Number two. He has...

what you were speaking of earlier today, characteristics that help that I don't have. What's coming to mind is tech, technology, you know, mathematics. I'm much more arts related and creative. And he's very much that left brain just to be overly generic. It's hard for me because I'm so exhausted. Dr. Laura from. Okay. I need the third. Yeah.

I can't come up with it. You're not listening to me. Hey, I'm going to hang up on you in one second if you don't stop babbling at me. Stop it. It's not going to get more information to me and it's not going to justify your decisions. So don't do it. Okay. I need the third thing you would miss. The third thing is the extended family, enjoying bouncing grandchildren one day together and not disrupting that flow. Right. That seems like an awful lot for you to lose.

Okay. And you're not going to necessarily get that from anybody else between now and dead. It's not like there's a grocery store where you can go shopping for a dude. I'm not ready for you to ask a question. That's right. I'm not ready. Okay. Okay. Next thing I want to say is the following. You have the ability to not have these conflicts. Okay. After 30 something years, whether or not you got somebody to give a diagnosis, you

You know what happens when certain things are discussed in certain ways. You already know. There's no surprises anymore. Right. So give me an example now of a type of conflict that you would like to discuss with me to help get me to help you how to deal with it. Go ahead. Give me a typical conflict. Defensive. Thank you. Defensiveness. He has almost a raw. Give me an example. Give me an example.

I'm nervous. Well, then give me an example of something else. What I need from you is an example so I can show you a better way to handle it so you don't have to miss out on those three things. Okay. My reaction to him is what I can change. I think I'm hearing you. I didn't get that for you. Ma'am. Ma'am. Okay. Okay. He is in his own world. I didn't get that for you. Give me an example. Okay.

He lives in an isolated sort of bubble. So we're together. No, you're not giving me an example. Now give me an example. I walked into... Do you want help or not? I can't keep fighting for time. Yes, I do. And I'm grateful. Then slow down, please. Okay. Give me something that happened yesterday or the day before. Very well. That turned into a puzzle. I come into the home where it's just the two of us.

And he is in front of his computer screen, his phone screen, the TV screen, or some kind of a project. Okay, stop. I got it. And he is in a narrow vision. Stop! Okay. Jeez. Okay. You walk into the house. You know damn well how you're going to find him. So don't act like it's a big surprise and something intentionally done to hurt you. And don't try to get him to change it at the moment because we already know after three decades that ain't happening.

So you connect. You walk over to him, put your hands on his shoulders, give him a kiss on the cheek and say, hi, honey, you want some coffee? And then you walk into the kitchen or wherever the hell you want to go. You've made a connection. He can't. You do it. Admonishing him for not giving you what you want when you never found out who he was in the first place. I find it cruel. Okay.

Your complaining is cruel. He is limited by his neurology. All right. This is the best he can do. If you want to connect, do it. It feels good to put your hands on somebody's shoulder and give them a kiss and say, I missed you. Whether he responds or not, he'll feel it, but he can't be the worse of you.

That's an example. There's no reason for him to be defensive because you're no longer going to attack him for being himself. Himself is not by choice. Himself is by neurological issue. That's beautiful. Thank you. And don't think for a moment that he doesn't love you. That would be the silliest thing for you to imagine.

So maybe it's a misunderstanding because he's so in his own bubble that it feels like he doesn't. No, I don't care how you feel. You're supposed to have enough of an IQ to realize that's it. He's not capable of much else. But he's been loyal. He's been faithful. He has fixed all your technology. He has helped you make and raise children. He has done a hell of a lot, woman.

But he is not Galahad, and you didn't wait around to find out. That's right. Now. And may I ask that question, or do we need to go? Asking me to ask the question you meant before makes me think you really didn't absorb. I do. I do absorb. Okay. I know that I have to react differently. All right. I hope so.

Well, you'll let me know. And I appreciate giving me this opportunity. When we had the bridge from his world to mine, let's just call it for fun, of children. Now they're grown. And we had the bridge of the same religion, which he since has, let's call it outgrown or moved away from, which I don't judge. But those are two enormous bridges that were there, but are no longer there. And I think I was...

Really relying on those. You missed something in what I said, but let's go back over it. Number one, you have company. You're not alone, no matter how it feels sometimes. I'm out at a park. Please stop talking. You said earlier that you would miss company, all that he can do that you can't do because he's techie. And number three, the grandkids. That's right. Those are the bridges. Okay. After that, you have friends and hobbies.

Play music in the house. Have music always in the house. It's very soothing to everybody, including so-called neurodivergent. Okay. That's wonderful. Thank you. I love this so much. I can't express it enough. I have to take a break. So I want you to think about something even right now you're thinking of bitching about to your husband. Instead, throw him kisses. Watch how the world changes into butterflies and flowers.

I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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You can help protect yourself and your kids from future heartache by getting to know a person for a good year and a half. You know me, I think it's two years before you get married. You need to actually observe and think about the things that matter, not just whether you're getting attention and feeling butterflies.

I suggest premarital counseling for at least six months with a specialist in that area so you can discuss all the pragmatic things that come with marriage. Need help spotting a problematic marriage or fixing the one you're already in? Don't hesitate to call me, 1-800-DR-LAURA, or make an appointment to speak with me by going to drlaura.com. I have a very helpful book for you called The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage,

and a fantastic video course called Marriage 101 that's based on my best-selling book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. You'll find information about all of this and more at drlaura.com. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.

And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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