How Our Childhoods Affect Adulthood
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Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nelson report.

Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Let me tell you what childhood is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about experiencing love,

security, warmth, connectedness, bonding, happiness. When kids grow up in a supportive, happy, content environment with a mommy, daddy, and a dog that spits up on the carpet, they're more likely to have an optimistic outlook on life. They're able to be open with other people and enjoy life.

I don't know what you had in your childhood, but I hear every day what people do to mess up their kids. All kinds of childhood drama and trauma, emotional, physical, sexual abuse that undermines their normal development and impedes their ability to become functional, happy adults, resilient. That's what happened to my listener, Jan.

who never grew out of the negative opinion she held of herself after growing up in the foster care system. Jan, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call today. Thank you. What's up? I have a little bit of a problem with my personality, you might say. I was raised in foster homes, and I keep coming back to this feeling of

I must not fit in, and then I'm alone. And I always find a way or a reason to not fit in because when I was in the foster homes, I would be the black sheep because I was the foster child and I wasn't the real child. So I didn't feel as much love and acceptance through the junior high and high school years. So it was difficult, and I have brought that through my whole life.

And I don't know how to resolve that. Well, how much do you want to resolve it? What would be a reasonable and positive goal for you? That I could not feel that, that I don't feel. Okay, you know, a goal. Give me a goal. Give me a goal. Not I feel, not feel. That's not a goal. Because I can feel something and still do what I need to do.

even if that feeling would seem to contradict it. So let's not talk about feelings. It would be that I wouldn't have that lonely... It's kind of a me-ism. It's almost like a depression. Okay, can I interject, please? Loneliness is a voluntary condition. Now, fitting in, do you have any hobby or interests that you really love? Can you name one? Uh...

I love to play games. I love tennis. Can you be specific about a game? Card games. Card games. So. Card games. That's enough. That's enough. Card games is good. The point I'm making is then the way to fit in instantly is to join a card playing group. And you can even do that on the net. Okay. And that means since you share an interest in playing cards, you automatically fit in.

That's a great relief because everybody there is there because they share a joy of playing cards. Okay. That's the beginning. That's a good idea to do that. That is the beginning. And I try to do that with other people that I work with and be interested in what they're doing. Okay, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about you joining a group of people who share an interest. Okay, I'll do that. That's all. We're focusing on one thing at a time.

The thing about scattered thoughts is that we then we never move forward. It's too scattered. Correct. Yeah. And it becomes a me-ism. Where did you get that word me-ism? From depression. But basically depression is a me-ism syndrome. Who told you that? I read it. Oh, well, don't believe everything you read. Yeah. Okay. So stop referring to yourself like that, please. It's very negative.

Yes, it is. Yes. I'd rather you put the kibosh on some of that negative naming of yourself. Yeah, because I even put it over into my family and my grandkids. I said, oh, I must not fit in. I'm not a good grandmother. I'm not a good mom. I wasn't a good mom. It's just constant with me. It's just ridiculous. It's very negative. And the negative self-talk needs to stop.

Yes. Just needs to stop. Okay. Seriously. So the next time you have a negative self-thought, like I was not a good mother, I was a good enough mother. Let me hear you say that. I was a good enough mom. I was a good enough mom for what I knew at the time, I guess. No, I didn't ask you to, Madam, see what you're doing? Yep, I see it. You're right. Yep. I told you to say one thing and you had to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, keep going on with it. Yeah.

So, I was a good enough mother. Let me hear it. I was a good enough mother. Let me hear I'm a good enough grandma. I'm a good enough grandma. There you go. You almost cried on that one. You are, you know, you're a good enough grandma. I was a better grandma than I was a mother. That's true. I don't want the negative talking. That was positive, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. You tore down yourself as a mother. That's true.

This is going to be the most important turning point of your entire life, catching yourself with the negative self-talk. Yes. It's devastating. Yes. And you're in control of it, thank goodness. I mean, if I just had somebody calling your house every day and yelling bad things at you, I couldn't control that. But we can control you doing it. Okay. I will work on that. Thank you so much. No, you're not going to work on it. I will do it. That's it. You will catch yourself. I will.

saying something negative about yourself, like, oh, I dropped that. I'm so stupid. Oh, I got the wrong note. I'm so stupid. And you're going to say, oh, I dropped that. Okay, I'm going to go pick it up. No negative self-talk. You're going to have to be obsessed with this idea for about a week and then call me back. And you're going to be good enough at your assignment. Say, I'm going to be good enough at my assignment.

I'm going to be good enough at my assignment. I will. Not perfect, but I'm going to be good enough. Say it. Good enough. I like that. Yes, that helps. Good. And I hope you will call me next week and we can continue this discussion. I will do that. Thank you so very much. You're very welcome. You made my day. Well, it's nice of you to say thank you. Bye-bye. I have to take a break. Meanwhile, don't sit and reflect.

on the crappy things of your childhood. Sit here and think of where you could be emotionally and happily in the future. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

And enjoy by the spoonful.

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Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nelson Report.

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And you can stop worrying about what your kids get their hands on. Start shopping at thrivemarket.com slash podcast for 30% off your first order and a free gift. Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. It's really important that children experience security and love. That's one of the reasons I speak out against daycare, where kids have to compete with other kids for toys and attention, where they're not loved and protected all day.

and why I encourage couples to work out their differences instead of destroying their families through divorce. When kids live without love and stability from a very early age, they don't develop the sense of security necessary to have positive interactions with the world. It's a reason why a lot of people have trouble regulating their emotions.

They may feel shame and guilt, lots of confusion. They may hate themselves. They may feel isolated and uncomfortable relating to other people. They have more anxiety and depression and failed relationships. Everybody responds differently. But the biggest problem people who experience trauma as a childhood face is how negatively it affects their ability to make attachments and relate to others when they're all grown up.

like my caller John, who was struggling to connect emotionally with his wife and children years after leaving his destructive original family behind. Angela and John, welcome to the program. Dr. Laura, hi. Hi, Angela. Hi, John. Wait, John's picking up the phone. Oh, okay. There he goes.

Hello. Hi, John. How are you? Good. Thank you. Dr. Laura, can I give you a little bit of background? Yes, like how old each of you is and how long you've been married, if you have kids, priors, you know, stuff like that. Okay. So my husband and I have been married for 19 and a half years. And he's 49, I'm 52, and this is both our first marriage. And we were in our 30s when we both got married.

and we have a beautiful daughter, 18, and a son, 15. Beautiful two. And we didn't live together before we got married. Well, so far everything sounds perfect. Doesn't it? Here comes the but. And it's not funny. Okay, go ahead.

I didn't get to know my husband's extended family very well before we got married because they all lived in different cities other than ours. After we got married and I spent more time with them, I began to see what I have gotten myself into. My husband is the youngest of six children. His father was an alcoholic and verbally abusive to his mother. His mother is still alive, but she's a very, very cold woman. All

All of his siblings, there are six of them except for one, have been divorced at least once, some multiple and triple divorces. Both of his sisters sleep around during their marriages. Well, it sounds like you got the only healthy member of the family.

That's what I thought. So here's, I was working towards us being, doing the right thing. And his siblings always initiate the abandonment. Okay, I'm getting lost because you're reading. So what I need to know. I know, I get very nervous. Turn the paper over. Turn it over, okay. Just turn it over. Just tell me, how can I help you today?

Okay. I have bent over backwards to make my husband happy, and he's never happy. And he's never been emotionally available for me or the children. And he says that he wants to leave because I'm the one that has to change. And my question to you is, I believe my children and I are being punished for something, but I don't know what we have done.

Okay. John? Yes. How much of that holds water, do you think? Well, some of it is true. I mean, I have a difficulty in connecting emotionally. She's right. And I'm not sure what to do, what steps to take to change, and I'm not even sure how much of it I can change to the point where she's not there. You only have one thing to change.

And yeah, it's you that has to change. Right, exactly. Because you're very self-protective because you come from a whacked out family. Yeah. And if you needed any evidence for how whacked out your family is, just look how everybody's turned out. You are the only one who comes close. Angela, you need to be quiet now. John, you're the only one who comes close to beating the odds. And the only thing you have to change is you have to allow yourself to be loved.

Okay. That's the only thing you have to change. You open your heart up and let her touch it. Well, part of the problem is that she's so angry with me that... Yeah, I know. That'll change. Oh, well, I don't know about that. Yeah, that'll change. Okay. Trust me. She would have dumped your butt a long time ago. That will change. Angela wants to love you. You don't let her. You don't let your kids in either.

You're so protecting yourself. And it makes sense coming from your whacked out family that you would be self-protective. That's better than being self-destructive, which is what most of your family members are. They're self-destructive. You're not. So you really are the healthiest of the bunch. You have one more step to take. And you have to take down that wall. I sound like President Reagan. President Gorbachev, take down that wall.

That's basically what you have to do. So here's my advice. Angela, I'm glad you made this call because I do believe this is 100% salvageable. John, you need to go into counseling. You need to get to the point where you're crying your brains out in front of that counselor and letting all this pressure go so you can come home and let your family in. And Angela, I don't want you in the counseling with him. This is his journey.

This is his last step. You were his first step. The kids were his second and third step. And now the fourth step is he has to be open to the fact that he set up something healthy. He just can't allow himself to enjoy it. That's how damaged he's been from his family. So, Angela, your diagnosis is 100% correct. Thank you. And, John, don't run away. That's what the rest of your family does.

They run away into promiscuity. They run away into drugs. They run away into stupidity. And this is your opportunity to get your life. So you go into counseling. Angela, you're already very understanding. Take down the anger because you were right. It's hard to be angry for somebody who's broken. Basically, John got broken down by his family. Well, he shorted up with too much crazy glue.

And now things can't get through. He'll go into counseling, and that crazy glue will be melted down and out. And it'll take a little while, but it'll be well worth it for all of you. Okay. Can I just ask you one little... No. No. Okay. Angela, no. Oh, I heard. Okay. You hear me? I hear you. Okay. I'm going to have to take a break here.

Meanwhile, I'd like you to just close your eyes, sit in a relaxed position, or sit and then close your eyes, and just breathe and think of something beautiful. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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Okay, we've got Katie's projects, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Huh.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.

Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nelson Report.

Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. When you've spent your childhood ducking, shutting down, hiding, it's hard to be there for anyone else, including your spouse and kids. People with these backgrounds often don't trust and they don't share their emotions. It's just too risky. That was what John was experiencing. Kids who grow up exposed to shame and neglect can become adults who are just scared of close relationships.

Some act out, get into drugs and alcohol, eat too much, have sex with whoever shows up. Humans who don't receive consistent loving treatment from their parents often require frequent validation. They become clingy and needy and insecure, like my caller Blair, who was having a bit of emotional breakdown when we spoke. Blair, welcome to the program. Oh, hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. How are you? Good. Good.

Welcome. What can I do for you? I'm calling you because I have a glitch in my head that I need help fixing. And it stems back from childhood, from when my father cheated on my mother and he had a secret family on the side. And now I'm seeing...

You know, that old anxiety and fear and pain kind of come back up now that my husband is changing jobs to an industry where he's going to be around a lot more females. Can I ask you what seems like a relatively boring question, considering what you're bringing up is very significant? Okay. I'm assuming that you picked wisely a good man.

I did. I waited a lot of years. Yeah, I waited a lot of years. I don't care how long you waited. I don't care how long you waited. I just want to know, did you choose wisely a good man? I did, yes. Then do you think he will more likely be just like your dad if he's really happy with you?

No, but I can't fix... No, I don't want... Madam? Madam? Yes? You might as well hang up on me if you're just going to hang on to yesterday. If you really want to hang on to yesterday, hang up on me and get ready for the divorce. I don't want to. Because it will come. I don't want to. I don't want to hang up on you. Please don't tell me what you... Madam? Madam?

Don't tell me what you want to do. We do what we want to do. And you want to hang on to yesterday because you think you're safer. Did you ever play on monkey bars, yes or no? Ever? Yes. Yes. Good. And you know, when you were on the monkey bars hanging and you swung yourself forward and grabbed another bar, that the only way you could go forward again was to let go of the one behind you? Yes, that's true. Right. Right.

And that goes in life. It is all under your control. There is nothing keeping you holding on to yesterday other than a bizarre thought that if you hang on to yesterday, you'll be protected forever. If I don't let go of the bar behind me, I won't fall. That's true. I feel like if I protected myself and if I... Then you might as well leave him now because you're ruining the marriage.

Because the only thing you're thinking, shh, shh, shh. Don't do that. People love to do that when I'm getting on them. Don't do that's why you called me. Just listen and let me do my number on you. You're hearing me? Yes. You are incredibly self-centered. That stopped the sniffling. Wonder why that stopped the sniffling. Nobody's ever said that to you? Well, you're hearing it accurately for the first time.

Here you are. You picked a good man. He's committed his life to you. And the only thing you're doing is protecting yourself just in case he turns out to be your dad. Isn't that incredibly selfish way to be a wife? Unbelievably self-centered. Unbelievably self-centered. Selfish. Selfish. Don't ask me how questions. Don't ask me how questions.

Don't do it. Okay, you know what? Maybe you just need to go see some therapist for a bunch of time because you're not working with me. Then you never should have married because he didn't get a wife.

Seriously. What do I do to fix this, Dr. Laura? You did him a bad service. How do I make it right? Stop crying right now. Here's a start. So get something, blow your nose, and stop crying. You have the quietest nose blowing I've ever heard.

I'm much noisier. I love you so much, Dr. Laura. I wish I had more of your strength. I don't want to hear about my strength and I wish and how do I do this and all this whiny crap. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. I wasn't born strong.

I'm not going to talk to you while you're crying. I really am not. Okay. Okay. Okay. Can you talk to me now? Yeah. Am I your mother? Think back what your mother was like. Am I your mother? Are you your mother? In a way, no. In a way, I'm just like your mother's personality? Yes.

In a way, you're the way that my mom wished she would have been. Okay, listen to my question. I didn't say, am I the way your mother wished she was? I said, am I like your mother? I didn't have a wish word in there. No, you're not like my mother. Are you like your mother? No, I'm not like my mother. Well, then why is your husband like your father? Why is he the only one who doesn't get to be himself?

Because he's a man, the only man that I've loved. Oh, my God. Okay, going back to the monkey farm. Cause me pain. Cause me pain. Me, me, me. It's all about me. That's the selfish part. When you get married, it's supposed to be about him. And he's supposed to be about you. But he married somebody who's just thinking of herself. Poor guy. Feel bad for him. He made a mistake.

He married you and has to pay the price for your dad. What a terrible thing to do. Don't ask me how questions because I'll just hang up. Don't hang up on me, Dr. Laura. I will. One more how question because you're not stupid. I would have picked up if you were stupid. You're not stupid. So you tell me how.

By letting go of the monkey bar yesterday and logically always remembering that he's not my father and that he's a different man. And also holding on to my faith, which will help. And listening to you when you say about not being selfish in our marriage, but making it more about him instead of me and my past. Yeah.

My God, if I were taking a fee for this, I'd have to give it all back to you. That was perfect. See what happens when you stop being whiny? See what happens when you stop being whiny? That's the how. Stop the whiny crap. It's boring. Stop it. You're doing it again. I'm going to be ill. Do not do the whining crap. Stop it right now. It's horrible.

It's not who you are. You know that it's not who you are? You're not this whiny thing your mother is. You're not.

Yeah, that's true. I picked that up a lot. That's right. She's the whiny thing. You're not. Stop being the person you're not. Stop that. Stop it. And I'll stop being selfish too. That's right. Have you read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? A long time ago, but I think it's time that I read it again. Yes, and you know why I want you to read it again?

It'll switch your focus. It'll switch your focus from that monkey bar behind you. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

I think what I need to do... Are you a religious person? You mentioned it. Are you a very religious person? Because I'm going to ask you to do something a little extraordinary. I've never... I think I've only once in 45 years asked somebody to do this. Are you a very religious person? You seriously believe in God, etc.? Yes. Okay. Yes, I do. Please drop down to your knees. Okay. Now, however you pray, I want you to thank God right now.

For giving you the wisdom to pick a man who is nothing like your dad and to help you being nothing like your mom. Let me hear the prayer. Dear Heavenly Father, I just thank you for taking the time.

to hear me and to listen to me. And I just pray help me to let go of yesterday, let go of my pain and help me to recognize that my husband is not, not my dad and help me to recognize too, that I'm not my mom and that I won't end up like my mom either.

And I just appreciate and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to talk to someone like Dr. Laura who can help me recognize that while I'm here on earth. And God, I just lift up everybody else who is listening. I just lift up their pain and their problems to you, God, and their burdens. And I just pray for them all. And I pray for all of us, God. We need you. And I just pray for your love and your grace and your mercy to cover all of us.

And thank you for everything. And thank you. I'm grateful for my husband. And help me to not be selfish. Help me to be selfless. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Okay, do you now have the answer to how? Thank you so much, Dr. Laura. You're very welcome. Thank you for working with me so hard. Thank you. Sometimes I feel I've got to pound on somebody as though I'm doing an exorcism.

Get the demons out so they can be free to realize a beautiful truth that's available to them in their own mind and heart. Can adults who suffer emotionally from childhood trauma be fixed? Very often the answer is yes. First and foremost, you have to really commit to changing and being willing to stop marinating in the misery of your past.

There are a number of treatments available. Professional help will probably be necessary. I think it's especially important to get the help you need before you get married, definitely before you have kids. You might want to start by reading my best-selling book, Bad Childhood, Good Life. Meanwhile...

No drugs, no booze, eat healthy, get sleep, exercise, and don't do risky things. Make positive choices in the areas you actually have control over. None of this is easy, but I know what I'm talking about. With the proper insight and proper help, beginning with reading Bad Childhood, Good Life, you can turn things around. And of course, I'm here to help.

Call me at 1-800-DR-Laura or go to drlaura.com to make an appointment to speak with me on air. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

Tired of listening to the same old playlists or podcasts over and over and over? Maybe it's time to mix things up. Try something new. Hit explore. Avoid the blah and the boring. Before you even put your headphones or earbuds in, say goodbye to the blah and boring. Add some fun in the mix. You'll be listening to the good stuff soon enough. Say yabba-dabba-doo to a bowl of Pebble cereal and enjoy by the spoonful.

Fruity and Cocoa Pebble Cereal. Less blah, more yabba-dabba-doo. Head to your nearest grocery store to buy Pebble Cereal today. The Flintstones and all related characters and elements copyright and trademark Hanna-Barbera.