12. Call Them Up Not Out, How to Confront Destructive Behavior in Your Mentee, and Wisdom to Help You Pick Your Battles
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_______________WELCOME

You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.

_______________SHOW NOTES

Mentors help their mentees steer clear of actions or situations that would hurt them and hurt others.  Whether you’re helping your mentee mature into adulthood, teaching them an age appropriate skill, or confronting a destructive behavior, here are some of the things we have found helpful for mentors to consider. 

1. Earn the Right to Be Heard

• Don’t assume your mentee knows why you care for him
• Speed of Trust by Covey
• A kid doesn’t care what you know until he knows that you care
• Trust depends on your actions and their past
• Hard conversations require trust
• Give trust to build trust

2. Pick Your Battles

• Don’t rebuke every small thing
• Focus on what they’re doing right more than what they’re doing wrong
• Be wise and patient with them as they grow
• Is this a life or death issue?
• Are their actions ordinary for kids their age?

3. Prepare Wisely

• Pray before you engage in a difficult conversation
• Check yourself and your intentions
• Choose timing and environments wisely
• Share feedback toward the end of a meeting rather than the beginning
• In a quiet place where they can focus on what you’re telling them

4. Asking Permission

• Instead of just blurting out what they are doing wrong, you can saying something like this:

• “You know I love you and want the best for you, right?”

• “Well, I’ve noticed some things that might keep you from being the best version of you. Do you mind if I share those with you?”

• If they say yes, proceed with your feedback. If their answer is no, let it go

• Establish that sharing feedback is not the central part of the mentor relationship

5. Rebuke Thy Neighbor Like Thy self

• Put yourself in your mentee’s shoes

• Asking questions and getting them to think about the “why” behind their actions typically works better

• Ask questions instead of talking “at” or lecturing your mentee

• Share personal stories and examples to help them see the bigger picture

• Be careful with your tone

• If the child thinks you are judgemental, harsh, or angry, the possibility of them shutting down or getting angry are high

• We want the child to know that we are for them and that we believe the best about them

• Care more about their heart than their actions

• Grace oriented

6. Call them up, not out

• Call out their giftings and their potential
• Speak life over them
• Encourage them to do better and let them know that you are there for them in case things don’t go as planned
• Call them up to all that they can be instead of calling them out for what they have done wrong

7. You Can Lead a Horse to Water but You Can’t Make Him Drink

• We have to be ok with the fact that we have done all that the Lord has called us to do
• We invest, and God transforms
• God the Father is patient and gentle with us
• We must remember that we are dealing with children
• Love them no matter what