The Kids ARE All Right: Enjoying Parenting with Less Stress with Gabrielle Blair EP380
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Hi, i'm lot of inter cam. I'm a mother of five, an author, journalist and speaker.

and i'm Sarah heart under a mother of three practicing position writer and course creator. We are two working parents who love our careers and our families.

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Welcome to best of both worlds. This is Laura. This episode is earring. In sort of early mid november of twenty twenty four, sera is going to be interviewing Gabrielle blair, who many people know from a design. Mom, if you read that blog over a great many years, SHE is also the author of a new book called the kids are all right about how should we should stress less over how our kids are doing, which is music to mayers for sure. Sir, what do you hope that people would stress less about their children?

I think, I think school is probably the biggest thing. And I mean, he does talk about a lot. And I really, really appreciated the idea that success doesn't have to look like one specific thing because, I mean, I hear elementary school parents talking about, well, this high school for this college, this whatever and it's just like, oh my gosh like yes.

But also, can you like not worry about IT so much and just kind of let whatever happens, happens to some extent? And obviously that's that hard. It's hard to do. But I guess I just wish there was already less talking about IT and pressure.

But specifically, I wish people would stress less about projects for their elementary school children because I have taken the attitude that like it's for them to do maybe with a little bit of like brought to actually do IT, but that, like my involvement in designing set project or helping Carry out side project should be no to very little. And yet what I see being turned in and talked about and shown even on the big whats up chats, does not at all look like that everybody y's point of view or attitude. And then that just makes IT hard for the kids that are trying to do things independently.

So I just wish school would be even explicit to be like projects are for the kids. They are not a family activity to take up all of your sunday. They are for the kid to learn to put together a timeline and figure how did your stuff in. If said kid has may be in first grade and not capable of doing that, maybe they don't need to be doing a project.

Maybe there is an idea. Yeah, looks like you already did fifth grade. Like, this is not a judgment of you like, yes, you can do a fifth grade project which you should because you are in fifth great thirty years ago like, let's just take that out of the equation, right?

Like, so yeah, I know I mean, college is obviously the college application process is something people stress a lot of parts. I've maintain this on my blog that we wanted to kind of lower the stress level of that a little bit in our family. And one thing we did is that jasper was very diligent about getting an application into one of our major state universities that has rolling admission.

And so he got that in, in mid september and thus got his acceptance approximately a week later. And so he has that like he has admitted student there, he can apply anywhere else he wants to like that his business, he is deciding what to do, but we have that. And so I just like lowers the stress of senior year.

A lot is not, oh, i'm gonna get into college. I won't know and tell April like he knows now that he has a good option. So I like that was intentional and very glad he did that.

But IT IT is good for everyone. Have less stress around here. Yeah I like the phrase um on a parenting list I was on for a while, people will use the phrase all the time.

This too shell pass, which is so true because whatever you are dealing with in the moment, maybe incredibly intense, like I don't want to say that is not worth feeling stress about I got is not a really big thing at the time because they probably is. But something else is going to be a problem in six to twelve months, and that thing won't be a problem. And so I think having that mindset is helpful for a lot of this.

And that people are who they are. Your kids are who they are. You are not who you are solely because of random choices your parents made about what they put in your lunch, I mean, or whether they did your fifth grade project for you.

I think the fact that both Laura and Gabriel, who have a lot of kids, both of them saying that, like, we should all listen like because I I just think the more is you have, the more you are going to embrace the fact that, like you're doing the same thing for each of them are roughly the same as their environment is not that different and they turn out. So while the different that you have to recognize that some of this is just not it's not up to us.

not up to us. no. Well, which is good. Like you don't get too much of the blame, but you don't get too much of the credit there are. So can I have to accept that as IT is alright? Well, let's hear what Gabrielle blair has to say about the kids being all right.

Well, I am so excited to be here today with federal player. A total pro. SHE has been flagging as IT is nine month space for two years now.

And if the author of now three books, the latest kids are all right, is what we going to talk about. The day is. So side of the conversation was in L.

I am so glad. Be here. I really appreciate the immortal. Thank you.

awesome. So I really enjoyed your book and I think that our listeners will as well. And I had to laugh because I kind of opens up with, we did not want to write parenting. But if this with your hunt, I think hearing more about that as well. Oh, did you not want to write of parenting?

But well, I mean, i've been talking about parenting online for eighteen years now, right? So it's not like a new topic to me. But one thing i've learned in those eighteen years and something that i'm training well is that parenting is a really fraught topic and it's so personal and feels so high stakes because we're talking about an actual human being that we're raising, right?

Like it's like no one wants to mess up their kids. So IT feels like so high stakes. And to try to offer advice to someone when I don't really know their situation, right? I don't know their child, I don't know their spouse or partner or non partners status.

I don't know their job or financial situation. I just don't know anything when the idea like offering a advice or some kind of guidance IT just feels like they're so much risk that I am going to do as much harm as good or maybe more harm than good. So I was really resistant to this project for a long time.

We've been asked for a parenting book for over a decade. People have been asking us to write a parenting book. And I was just really, really resistant. And that was just one of the reasons. But like, it's just such a fraught thing that, you know, my last book, which seems like this would be way more sensitive topics, but I actually feel much more vulnerable about this book than my last one and partly also because it's very personal. You're talking about your family is a very personal thing.

So what made you decide that IT was time for this book and remind listeners of your perspective? And I forget the exact number of kids you have, that you have an of this for a while. And I guess as you felt like something was missing from the parenting sphere, that I feel like this book emphasizes. So.

right? So what was happening? So my mother, six, we have six kids, our oldest twenty seven, our Youngest is fourteen.

And we have been parenting in public for most of those years, right? And what i've noticed and what we were writing this book in response to is really parental stress. Parents are so stressed out, right? They're so anxious.

And in fact, I watch them become more and more anxious, just as I have over these years that i've been online. I think as a culture, we're making parenting harder and harder and harder, you know, like more and more difficult with every passing year. And I had more kids the most of my peers, and I had them earlier the most of my peers.

So i've bent someone that people could come to for guidance just because I had like more years under my belt, right in a more parenting years. And I feel like I can say with confidence to parents right now that like it's gonna OK and I can tell them why it's going to be OK, that i'm not just trying give them attitudes that i'm really going to say here. Let me explain where the stress is coming from.

Let me try and show you how we kind of bypass a lot of that stress when ever we could and that you can do. And that so much of this is just totally manufactured by our society and is not real so much of what we're stressing about. So if I could do one thing with this book, IT would be relieve the parental stress, you know, help parents enjoy this situation more than just be stressed out about IT.

which is so interesting, because I feel like so many parenting books that I have read are the opposite. They are leg. Here's how you can do this Better to win at this game.

And you finish IT and your leg, i'm an adequate. And then your book is like, stop IT. You guys, just, everybody, chill. And I think that this is like a great time for that. Have you been paying attention to some of the literature about stressed parents these days and you have kind of a response?

yes. I don't know if you're in particularly referring to the recent new york article about that there's like an epidemic of parental stress at this plant. Yeah and yeah. So i've been totally aware of those. Of course, I did not understand those articles when to come out just weeks before our book came out.

So like we did not know that was going to be like the topic on everyone's mind, but IT is and I think IT was a real reassurance to me that like, oh, this isn't just in my head. People need this message. People need this message. And if you're a parent that is stressed out and fill overwhelming and the books are making you feel more overwhelmed, I really think this book will help you. I truly hope you will.

So your thought is like, yes, this stressed is real and IT doesn't have to be this way and IT .

doesn't have to be this way. Like, obviously, we're going to have some amount of worrying and stress that just life. I understand that i'm not trying to to eliminate I don't think it's possible to eliminate everything.

But again, so much of our stressed parents. Is manufactured, meaning like it's sort of forced on us like, oh, you've got to be really stressed out about school. You've got to be really stressed out about any extra curricular activities.

You've got to be stressed out about what about your call IT? You know your kids just born and you're like where they go to prick because that's going to affect CT, where they go to cot like you're just like we're so stressed out about IT and we don't need to be IT. Turns out we don't need to be and and again, we want to explain why.

It's not like we're just sing relax. It's gonna fine. We're really saying you can relax. And this is why and this is why and this is how.

So we're going to take a quick brick and then we're going to get specific and you're going to give us those answers. And we are you going to start with activities because I think that's a hot button item for a lot of our listeners right now. Alright, will, will you? right?

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Alright, we are back. And every all, you have a whole chapter in here about kids sports, and I will give you my confession. And then I am kind of in IT, not in a super stressful way.

actually. My kids play at the competitive level, but like on the very low into that where there is no real future thoughts, it's more about now and what they're enjoying right now. IT still takes up a lot of time.

takes up a lot of time.

So what are your thoughts on the industrial complex of kids sports and activities right now?

Well, I mean, for me, this started literally over two decades ago when we had our oldest child and tea ball as our first kind of like experience doing sports. And I was frustrated even then, as I watching like the stress around this, like one IT required a lot of family time, and we already had two Younger kids at the time.

And so this was an easy thing, even just like get out of the house and there are practices and there's prevAiling the snacks and there's the tournament that goes extra longer, whatever is. And I remember feeling like really like, oh, the coaches like matter or the other parents are matter if you're going to be late to something or we're going to miss a practice like this was like very serious, this t ball for a lot of these families. And I was so frustrated because I was like, these kids are fog and fight.

Like, what what is happening? What do we think is happening here? Do we really think we're training the next pro athletes? Statistically, we definitely are not like, we definitely are not the chance that anyone in this group becomes pro. And no one did, you know, like the chance of any of these kids even play in high school is pretty low, right? So I was really frustrated, and that IT was like a part time job just to have your kid try table.

So we really, my husband, I had to released IT down and I had to say, but I played sport like, I was heavy to track and filled my husband heavy to tennis, like, we played sports, and I played sports growing upside of my husband. I values sport. I don't mean to say that I don't.

But what are we doing here? Like what is our goal? Why do we have our kid and tall? What is happening? And is this just IT? Is this just like yet to be in sports? It's going to be twenty hours a week from here on out for rest your life.

And if you have multiple kids, tough luck for you. This is now full time job. And I couldn't, you know, like, I just couldn't handle that.

So we said, why would we want our kids to do sports? What did we get out of IT? What do we want them to out of IT? Every family will be different.

Your family might be like, oh, no, we want to do sports eighty hours a week. Like, this is what we do. This is our family. Our kids love at our parents of great.

If you are happy with your sport situation, I am not asking you to change IT, but if you are overwhelmed, i'm giving you permission to say there are other options. So we ended up saying, okay, we definitely want our kids to know sports. They live in america, is worth our big deal here.

You can need to know how baseball works and how baseball works and how football works. And now, socket, you know, like, you need to know some this step, right? And the olympics come in at the big cultural event. And you know you just want IT, obviously we want you to be familiar with one of archives, be familiar with sports.

Okay, well, that's different and that's something only go the other things like we wanted them to understand teamwork and good, smart manship and just general like find something they like to do with their bodies, that they can do their whole life, that they like the movement and and the athleticism. So if those are the goals, a twenty hours a week sports team isn't actually required to meet those goals. There's a lot of ways you can meet those goals.

They may be meeting them in P E classes. You may get IT from going to the park, meeting other family friends at the park in the summer once a week. And you're like, oh, let's have a pick up t ball game baseball, me there and the kids are learning this, the rules there there maybe like a general sport camp that they can do for a week where they get introduced to a few different things.

You could hire the teenagers in your neigh's od. They're like, the friendly kids is like a, can you teach my kids how to play tennis this summer? I mean, there's a million ways to go about this without having taking of your life.

And of course, if your kid is really interested in the sport and really good at the sport and they show some real interest in passion there, then of course, can follow that lead. And maybe IT does become a bigger part of your family life. But you don't have to assume that's what's going to happen, and you don't have to really make sacrifices for this thing.

I see so many families make major sacrifices for a sport for many, many years. By the time the kid is even in high school, they're so burned out on the sport, they're not interested. They don't ever want to play IT again. This does not become a lifelong passion for them. They're just like done with that and you're going what was that about like the sport is now kind of been ruined for this kid and your family spent so much time on IT that you missed out finding out what you can actually .

likes yeah because there is this like a cost there. It's all the activities are the family together and whatever that you're not doing. And I think you're statistics analysis in the beginning where you're like on the t val team, the likelihood anyone doing this professionally, remembering that is important. And then also like what you said about the few kids that are going to end up making IT through and this becomes part of their lives, are the ones that are going to be the very intrinsically motivated ones from the beginning. And then you probably wouldn't even like be listening to be like, well, this doesn't apply to make my kids obsessed and like, like rain IT in totally.

totally. And I shouldn't just throws sports into the bus because the reality is i've seen this happened with music, with families where they're like, oh my god, s day did you know, took a second jobs that they could afford and to buy a piano, and they are taking, let know, and their kids are getting up at six A M to practice for an hour before the school and on and on and you have to go, are you assuming your kids going to be a professional violinists or piano or whatever IT is? Again, statistically, that's not going to happen.

Just understand what you're doing here. Like just understand what your goals are, what your aims are and really make sure like are you doing this for you or for your kids? You know like really understand what's happening before you make those sacrifices because you just end up filling, bitter and burned out and stressed out. And it's totally unnecessary.

You had a cute goal around music in your book that you talked about, which is like, actually, I need to show that part of my husband and I think he has the same the same vision do you member you wrote in there.

I assume, talking about having family jam session? Yeah I mean, like when we like we grew up in both musical families, my husband and I, and we grow in a lot of music was connected to religion. And I was like, oh, you needed to learn to play the piano so you could, like, accompany the church hims or things like that sort of a cultural thing.

Although very, of course, very few people actually do that. But and that was sort of the maybe the goal for our families growing up and for us doing lesson. We didn't have that goal for our kids.

We didn't think was necessary for them to learn how to like a company, church music. So I know why, why are we doing this? And we had a few different things in mind.

We'd read the studies about that, like learning music, learning a language, these kinds of things can open up your brain and and help to do Better in other areas. Who we thought all that's really great. But more than that, we just enjoy music. It's a beautiful part of life, and we wanted to be able to just do kind of become family jams sessions where everyone together, and we can just pick up whatever instruments nearby. We try to keep a variety of instruments around and enjoy music together, playing, singing, learning a song together.

And so once that was the goal, once we understood with the goal, was then suddenly, if our kid was just budding heads with us, and like not really loving piano or whatever piano lessons is not mind going to practice, we can go, okay, well, is there another instrument you like to do? We need a different teacher here. Or maybe you ve learned enough, like if you can, like read the pound music enough, just like flink out the tune when we're learning a new song.

Okay, well, that's an up. We're not expecting you to become a concertinas if you we're going to be that you would have given us signs that, that, that has way you were interested in doing. And it's interesting because the instrument are kids of ten tons of different instruments.

They pride selling rule in school project, school orchestras. They've done bad. They've ve done piano lessons. They've done some string instruments.

We've really tried to a bunch of different things because you, you know, you got to try a lot of step to figure what you like, music wise. But it's interesting that the one we've land IT on, they almost all will all of them take a tar. And I don't think we actually did lessons for that, maybe for a couple weeks for all our kids.

They picked IT up from youtube, learning courts from each other. My husband knew several court could take some some, and that's the one that maybe gets used the most in our house of all the instruments. So it's interesting no matter how what you're doing less than wise, your kids may end up somewhere out.

That's totally fine. But also, I feel like we were pretty good at reach that goal. Our family jams sessions are delightful. There were a lot, a lot of fun, and we could get there without having a lot of stress around our our music lessons.

I love that. That's kind of a goal for us. We have family games on thanksgiving ving. My kids are working on IT, but that's kind of IT. I want that like tiny bit of like literacy and that shouldn't take a ton of stress to get to versus aiming for some super high level, which could be. A lot for everyone involved.

right? right?

So let's take that kind of like parallel on the activities will be the academic side and your kids, it's some really interesting and unconventional things. And I want to hear I want to hear both how you felt while they were happening, tell people a little bit about some of those like interesting up announce and now also how you see IT in ruta respect because i'm curiously it's different.

So I think when we talk about parental stress, the major portion of IT is around school, like people are get very stressed out about school, like maybe they got a new job, they are moving to a new city. And the very first thing they're doing is looking at school districts and school ratings and figure out out where they should live.

And like this is just like a major part of stressful parents, and that extends all the way through college applications from the school and on. And we have certainly felt that we talk about the book, that there is a cultural myth that we've titled the reliable path to success. And IT is a myth that has such a strong hold that even when we sort of became aware of IT and try to break away, we would get pulled in.

We would get pulled in like it's just it's got a gravity to IT that just grabs you and keep you there. And I totally understand, because we aren't given a guide book as parents, there is no instruction manual. And so this myth is really appealing because the idea is that if you just stick to this path and keep your kid on this reliable path, success, if they get the right Price school and then eventually the right middle school, and then they take the right ap classes and do the right sports, that they will get into the top college, and then they will have a happy life like this.

Is this compelling, compelling myth? Because you want instructions and you want someone to say here's a foolproof way. Of course it's not foolproof and ever was, but IT even is less reliable than IT.

If IT was reliable at some point, it's even less. Now like you could get, uh, perfect score on the S A T, and be the top of your class, be the ballot Victorian and still not in to harvard. Like that common story.

Like there is no guarantee anymore on this reliable quote and quote pata success. But what happened is and I think a lot of stress or parents, if your kid wears from that path, it's extremely stress, what they come home with bad grades, you're like they're off the path. What do we do? How do we get him back on the path? You know, like IT feels terrifying if they dropped out of a high school.

You're like, wo red ARM bells right? You know it's just like, holy cow, that's the worst thing possible. And archives ended up stepped off the path a few times.

One of the times, the first time that really they stepped off the path and we realized, oh, okay, there's no going back is when we extended our time, we had moved to france and we extended our time, we thought are going to be there for a year. And we would specifically built IT around this path to success. We said we're going to leave in the middle th grade for our old test and get back in the dof, the eighth crape.

So they're like gonna in both your books are not going to like miss anything and they're definitely be back before high school starts. So they have like a clean transcript U S. Plane transcribe for high school pe.

But then we extended and we extended a few times and we had this talk like all this means they are going to have a messed up transcribe like we've now taken them off the path in a way that they can't get back to the path like it's over. And we weren't sure if that was the right you like we were terrified. But if we looked at like what was actually happening in front of us, our family was thriving in france.

We had more family closest, more time together. The kids are learning a new language where, you know, expanding our horizons, opening our minds. Of course, we sustained, you know, like IT was, IT was the right thing to do, but IT was so terrifying to kind of permanently take our kid off that path.

So that was the first time that was really scary. Then we've had other times, we've had kids that skip their senior year because they decided to go be an o pair in another country. And we ve had something like that.

The scariest was having a kid drop out of high school. And I had mentioned that earlier, IT is in fact, calls for alarm. Your brain freaks out.

I am a large graduate. My husband's not just a college graduate, but two masters in the PHD from colombia. Like he, you know, education is val for us.

Our parents are educated, but on both sets have gradually decrease, like we just have like education, their teachers and professors. It's like, education is so important and we had a kid drop up high school. You're like, what? And this is a kid that had great grades.

This is a kid that teachers love. There was no I had like fAllen in with a bad crowd, you know, whatever a stereotypical thing he was just like, i'm done, i'm done. I'm out of here and we are totally freak out, totally freaked out because like, wow, what do you do a while like.

I feel my heart rate going up, just thinking about and fine.

IT was terrifying. And I don't mean that IT wasn't like there's real worry, right? But then we have to like every time that happens, my hasn't. I have to go, okay, well, no one's died. It's like, like being stressed out is not helping.

What can we actually do? What actions can we take? We ended up talking to a trusted high school council, some of the council's families who are trying to get into schools, like called application counselor. A friend recommended that this person, we said, okay, gray will talk to them. And I was instantly a million times Better just by like looking at other options.

I can tell you now, and we say in the book like I don't want to stress anyone out, this kid had a full rise scholarships to one of the top universities in the country and graduated with honors and is great. The kids is great. Like, do like IT all worked out.

I'm going to tell you the end first. So you don't have to be listening and be stressed out with this kid. But what we learned in that lesson is, oh, that reliable path.

Success is one path, is one path of thousands of millions. It's one path. The chance that is going to be the right path for your kid, pretty small and might though, is, is the right path for some kids.

And what we're doing as culture is we're trying to take every kid and fit dom on this path, and we're trying so hard to do that. And instead, what we discovered is all there's all these million POS, and we just have to find the one that fits our kid and we did and anyone can. And IT really is going to be OK.

And in our his case, we learned about community college, which IT seems like we should know. We didn't. We had experience community college. Our parents hadn't. IT was just sort of a new thing to us. And not only did we fall in love, the community college, like our kids experience, there was fantastic, great teachers, great classes and a diversity of age and experience in the classes that you're not going to get to standard university, right? Because everyone at the university starts in there all eight or nineteen and know anyway, so love our experience there.

But IT was even Better than that many states, and I think most states have programs where if you enter community college and take a specific course of classes and pass those classes, your guaranteed entrance into a top university in the state and california offers that. And it's an incredible program. It's what our child did.

And not only did they have an amazing time in college, IT costs half of what college Normally would. We cut our college cost completely in half. Like, imagine that, take fifty percent of your college costs and just make them disappear because community college is incredibly affordable. I think our tuition for the semester, i'm trying to remember, I think he was like three hundred dollars like is insane.

I used to work as a residents program director. So you know, I did graduated metal calls called they're going to residency and the number that started in community college was sizeable. And these are people that are arty graduating many schools.

So like they're gonna doctors. They're going to be fine, right? And actually that was pretty.

I opening to me, having maybe prefers ceive notions because of my trajectory, right? right? So yeah, I think that's awesome.

So it's totally true. And I mean, the community college path is really fascinating because so many, like ark, went to berkely community college, which was right next to berkeley university, the famous well known procedure university. Many of the classes they took were top by professors of the procedure university.

They were also teaching at the community college, picking up an extra class here and there. Whatever is, professors aren't always paid very well. They have to take up extra work.

That's its own commentary for another another dog. But i'm just trying to say that he was a quality education. IT was not what we expect.

We didn't know anything about IT, and boy were we educated, boy did we get educated about community college and we loved IT. So that's an option. But it's also this illustration of american culture loving to give fresh starts, second chances, clean slate.

We really love that. So if you mess up in high school and you feel like life is over, it's just not true. There are so many starts, some second chances that you'll get and is the same thing.

If you mess up in college, there is graduate school. And if college just isn't for you, there are trade schools, there are internship, there are other kinds of training. We love a fresh start. And so just keep that in mind.

If your kids messing up, or you feel like all they got off the path, and i'm so stressed out, there are a million paths you're going to find them when to fit your kid. And there are a million successful people that medical students that you're talking about. There are a million successful people that you know right now that if you go ask their background, you're going to find out they were not on that path.

They did not take the reliable path to success. They took a different path. And you'll be shocked to find out how many people that you are looking around thing, oh, they have a successful life.

There are happy person, did not take that path. And once you really understand that, a lot of your printed stress can disappear, just evaporate. Because our kid graduated, like I said, top university.

Full scholarship, he never took an S A, T or A C T, didn't take any A P test, never applied to a college. Besides the filling out a form for community cultures, which is not like college apps, like the stressful college aps. None of that just bypass all of that and still had a fantastic trajectory.

And I assume it's not well, we're going to take a quick break in the second. But I know IT wasn't just your kid like I know this is like an an option and it's that you mention amErica loving the second chances because I feel like it's it's also amErica that success with the one path. So it's an interesting dichotomy there, but I think you you're very, very right, OK. We're going to be right back. We went over, but coming right back in the second.

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Alright, we are back. And one other part of your book that I found fascinating was the part about what we owe each other as parents and kids. And I will admit, I hadn't given a lot of thought to IT, but I made me think both about my own parents and my kids. And yeah, so do you wanted I don't want to like to let me dive in.

Let me. yeah. So I had thought a lot about this either. What kind of triggered red IT for me is i'd read this article about a grown man who was suing his parents for being born, and his parents for those lawyers.

This is going to make and sound like he hates his parent or saying, no, they know what was happening. They have a loving relationship. They were like, proud of him for trying this, basically saying, so he's suing his parents, basically saying, you forced me to be here and I don't want to be here.

I don't like this life that i've got for myself. Like this is not what I want. And so he's doing his parents for forcing him to be alive, forcing him to come to their family. Or however you want to describe that, I was fascinated by the idea. Partly IT was i've had my own history of mental health issues with depression.

And I know what IT feels like to be like, yeah, I don't want to be here like, this is not, this is not interested in this then, which is part of that, you know, the lives of depression that that feeds your brain. But anyway, I was really interested in that whole concept. And IT really got me thinking about, although I don't know what happened with the lawsuit and I don't really care, I didn't really matter.

I was really interesting, this idea that, like, it's true, I forced my kids to come to here, like to come to earth, or how would you like or to be born, or however you like to phrase IT, they didn't have a choice in that our kids don't get to choose their parents, their social status, their financial status, the city they live in. And IT might not be the right fit for them. Like the thing that you brought them into, like we brought our kids into a family with lots of kids.

Maybe one of them would have thrived more as an only child. I don't know you like we brought them into a family that has moved quite a bit. Maybe they would have preferred a stable growing up in the same house childhood like I had and my husband had all sports of things like they don't get a choice in any of this.

And the idea that our kids somehow, like O S birthday card or mother's day flowers or anything, you know, anything like that IT became clear to me like, oh, they definitely joe and and I already felt, I remember feeling like a kind of uncomfortable that like, I didn't want 他们 to feel like they had to do that for me。 Like I didn't need that. I not we talk about love languages.

I don't know how they really are, but like, I don't gift for my kids is not something that I need, is not is not one of my love languages. So I guess I probably already felt that, but I just made is so clear to me like, look, you forced your kids to be here. You owe your kids what the best of you that you can give them and right, you know, like whatever you can offer them, you owe that to them.

Could you force them be here and in the same way in reverse? I don't really owe anything now they're here, they're human. So we're onna say, look, you've GTA be a decent human.

You all that to humanity, right? You gotto you that you're haar, you're stuck. You've ta a decent human. And i'm going to say you owe that to all your fellow human beings.

But the idea that your kids like ou something is, you know all that like but I was in labor for twelve hours so you need to be you know nice to meet like they didn't ask you to be in labor of footwell hours. They had nothing to do with that like they didn't ask to make. You know, you might feel like i'm working two jobs to sacrifice for my kids.

Okay, that's good. I mean, i'm so glad we are helping them, but they didn't ask you to do that like they didn't ask for any of this. And so that this idea that they would owe us something, oh, the kids own parents, I think, is totally wrong.

And I think our society gets that wrong. We owe our kids and we will owe them for the rest of their lives, for the privilege getting to raise them and see them grow and get the front row seat to their life. And it's worth IT. It's worth owing them to me. It's worth IT.

It's worth owing them for the rest of my life that I got to have this front row seat because IT is really freaking awesome to get to see your kids grow and learn and to get to see yeah, human being come like I don't see their shape taking form to see like what they like, what they are interested in, the kind of questions they come up with, how their brain works. It's amazing. It's so amazing and interesting. And what a privilege that parents get to do this and be grateful to your kids for giving you the chance like that really attitude to take and .

I take away and then you went into as well, was like, I want to have a relationship with my kid where they want like, since I don't expect IT and they don't oh IT instead, it's like, how can we grow up together or like, you know, I go to all the age and they go into adult hood so that they're excited to hang out with me later on like, that's what I want to cultivate. I I like long view of IT. And then the fact that there's no I given there.

it's not a given. And in fact, there's some discourse happening right now that i'm seeing this is a chatter on threads on twitter about kids who are strange from their parents. And that's thing that's happening where kids go.

I don't want a relationship with my parents anymore. And we discussed this. The book there is a chapter called the long view of a parenting. And we discussed how we have learned an apparently class IT had been pointed out to us. We have never understood this before, that from eighteen on, your child determines the relationship.

And unless you have some kind of financial tight like you're you're paying their they're to their tuition or something, if the child really determines the relationship. And by that I mean, they decide if you will see them, when you will see them, how long you will see them. And we know that's true. Um you can even think about IT like in your own life and think like oh yeah like if you have a partner or spouse who doesn't like your family, you probably don't see your family as much.

You know like you determine what that relationship is with your parents and anyway your kids can decide they don't like you and they don't want to be with you, and they might decide that if you've made life really stressful for them and made them feel like they were never enough and they are not living up to this imagined person you had in your head or know whatever, like for lots of reasons. I Michael, I don't like being with you. This is stressful and they will cut off the relationship or not talked for years to their parent.

I don't want that. I don't want that at all. I mean, we know these first eighteen years are intense. The intense parenting years and the books focus on those eighteen years, apparently books in the discussion, and you know, with reason, of course, that makes sense, but we should also be aware that you're gna have a relationship with your kids for another forty or sixty or more years after those eighteen years.

Don't rule in IT don't rule in the forty years, sixty years by being so stressed out in those eighteen years. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy hanging out with them.

Like, notice how awesome your kids are. I guarantee their awesome is like, again, it's whole human being that's not you. That's just interesting. And they live with you as like, appreciate them, understand to learn about them, figure out what they like, encourage their passions, help them be the best version themselves, and try and make a good relationship. Because again, you want us to extend.

I would just break my heart that my kids just didn't want to hang out with me anymore and didn't want to come homework ver, how heartbreaking would that be for a parent? And I I think we'll be heart breaking for most parents. So anyway and and this stress we talk about parental stress. It's not just about relieving parents stress that's real, but it's also about them improve their relationship with their kids because the stress has real world consequences that really can hurt your relationship with your kids.

I believe IT. I love that so many things to think about, and I like the kind of long view that we don't pay a lot of attention to because we're so obsessed .

with what school do we get, right, right?

So we always end on this podcast with a love of the week, which is something that is making us happy. And i'm going to go first to give you a minute to think of yours, but also because I was inspired by what you were just talking about. My love of the week is learning for my kid's musical tests.

So I have a twelve, ten and seven year old is root. Well, she's almost seven, but you you get him think is more the older too. But like, I have them to think for knowing about charly, xix and bread and spring carbonate, I legitimate to enjoy all of IT. So I appreciate them giving me their perspective.

Now, I love that, I love that. I feel this. And like, I am so grateful to my kids for teaching me about chapel road. And like.

I love our music so much .

as my happy thing, I made me so happy is we ve vote from abroad. So we have, we live in here calling i'm calling from france. And so our fifth child turned eighteen this year and got to go for the first time. And so we get to print out all the stuff here. It's a different process. But anyway, getting to see her vote and another daughter is looking for, but anyway, just seeing my kids who are living all over the world right now and sending our votes in and just feeling like we're still taking part in our democracy and made me really happy to see those. We we went bought stamps for the envelope, and we bought the olympic stamps that showed that, like the torch in the balloon from the appear olympics, that anyway, that the study was just like fun, like the whole.

French twist here .

baLance are our special, like our special stamp to send our our boat. And that made me really happy.

So cal, and I would say this is a great reminder for everyone to vote, except this does there after election day. So I hope everyone vote IT. Oh my god. Well, what's been a pleasure? Can you reminder listeners where to find you every absolutely.

You can find me a design mom on instagram, on threads and really active on both of those. I meet design on dog com. And yeah, have finally awesome.

And the book is the kids are all.

kids are all right and it's fun.

It's a quick read. I recommended if you're feeling stressed about parenting seriously, this will talk you down.

You'll down well, thank you so much. Love these questions. Love their conversation.

Well, that was great. We are back after that interview with Gabriel blair. So Sarah, this question was sort of, I think, primarily addressed to you because your kids do more competitive sports in mind. But this person writes in, I have an elementary school student who loves soccer but doesn't have the skills many of the other kids his age have. I keep hearing stories of athletes who started to sport when they were three. If I hope my kids will be competitive enough to play sports through high school, how important is IT for them to be good at the sport in elementary school or as a todder? Er, sera, is there anything you wish you did earlier with your daughter in gym tics?

Oh, man, I mean, I love that you want him to be happy playing later on if he loves IT now. But I also feel like is probably time to maybe also think about what your expectations are and whether there are some things that are hoping more for yourself. Like I don't like I mean that I you have this picture of like what high school could look like but like that might not even be what the kid wants when they're in high school.

Like it's just so hard to know. So maybe just leaving things a little bit more open because you also just don't know. Maybe he he'll developed talent later on.

Maybe he won't. Maybe he will hate sports. May be he'll inquire, maybe he'll know. no. So I guess I think the Better attitude is is like I hope to be able to provide my kid with the tools and training to play sports in high school if they would like and if opportunities come up for extra training and they are truly interested in, sure, you could do extra when they are Younger.

But just be careful, because I think you don't want to be creating this thing where the kid feels like they have to please you are, and they're doing IT like to meet some agenda that they feel like, is that the right thing to do? You would want to do what they want to be doing. And sports aren't great, but largest kids are doing lots of amazing things and being active and aren't necessarily in orange sports.

So remember that if you're thinking of sports as like a necessary part of a kind of like healthy life, or something like kids can do movement in so many other different ways, they could be in dance. They could be just like going to the my friends kids go to orange theory with her, you know, they don't do sports, but like that's their way of like there's no one right way of doing things. And I think that if you are trying to push your kids into some athlete type of category and may mean at ork, I mean, I consider itself a pretty athletic adult.

I did your competition share, which I consider a sport while in middle school, in high school. But if you would try to put me in a bus sport, like, I just never like, i'm terrible. I hate IT IT would have been so sad.

And yeah, I think that is an adult like i'm pretty sporty and I I don't the guy missed out on anything by not doing that. So I guess just be careful what you're wishing for and pushing. And at the same time, you are right that certain sports and you mention soccer, that's definitely one of them.

Do you have a higher berrier to entry if you want to do them specific levels later on? There are still recall leagues where you can do soccer er at any age with no try out. So at least in my area there is I do live in a very socket area but um you know a high scholars could join the community optimist club team um having never played before and they would get to experience IT.

If you want your kid to be able to do club sports, they probably need to have some experience. But you asked about animi think that's actually relevant here SHE personally, SHE doesn't regret not doing journal tics earlier. SHE regrets not leading into dance because SHE was in valley as a Younger kid and then financed out quit, didn't want anything to do with IT, and then started like watching dance mom, and getting into dance.

And he does do dance now, but not at a super competitive level, partly because he doesn't have as much of the background. Instead, SHE had more of a genetics background and ended up on a genetics team, not at a super eye level, but still at a competitive level. And SHE wishes that he had stuck with dance.

But do I regret anything? no. First of all, like as children go, everybody has different levels of whether you can convince them of things.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I just say not a very SHE is her own person like she's not going to do stop that you are urging her just because you feel like IT and IT would have been the sad most horrible if I had pushed IT and maybe shouldn't be in anything at all if that was the case, like I can't even imagine. So no, I don't think I did anything wrong. I always offered all the options you want to try out for this.

Do you want to do that? But if the answer was like a hard no, then I think my job is to say, great, look and do what else you can do. Yeah.

I agree with all that. I D also add so that you can do reckless gue soccer is that versy team at your high goes, not the only option. And maybe have A J V team, maybe have a freshman team.

Depends how big of soccer team there is at your high school. And then there's red leagues, there's club sports, whatever that you could do, very much different places. So if he still like soccer, there's a way he can play soccer.

I would not worry about that too much. There are also some high school teams that take more kids s so we've had the, you know, the experience this fall of my fourteen year old joining the high school cross country team, which he had. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this point had not really run that much prior to joining the team.

But at this point, like two months into training in the season, I mean, by virtue of being fourteen and doing IT everyday, he's gotten a lot faster and developed a lot of endurance, definitely way faster than I am at this point. No, is he gonna be running for today? I don't know that he ever will, but he likes IT and he likes being on the team.

So they still, you know, even if you don't necessarily have the like training since age three thing going on, there might still be ways you can be involved in high school sports if you choose the right sport. I guess I will just put IT that way. Runnings good for everybody.

So yes, and becoming high up and at any one sport often does mean you're spending a lot of like you're sacrifice something else. So I guess just don't forget about that either. Like if any part of me is like, oh, I hope that about like goes to the more competitive domestic track and like, well, actually in some way, I don't hope that because that might mean like less opportunity to do so many other things. So I guess there's not like of right answer here anyway.

Yeah yeah. I mean, it's good to do athletic, active things, but there are a lot of ways you can do that. And I certainly didn't play any sports as, uh, high scholar, and I probably exercise way more than a lot of people who didn't do sports as a high scholar.

So yes, uh, weather you come to something life along when you choose at yourself. So I always keep that mind too well, this has been best of both worlds. Sera interviewed at Gabriel blair about how the kids are all right, and we should stress less about our children in general. We will be back next week with more and making work in life fit together.

Thanks for listening. You can find me, Sarah, at the shoebox dot come, or at the underscores shoebox on instagram .

and you can find me Lauren at Laura ander camp dot com. This has been the best of both world's podcast. Please join us next time for more on making work and life work together.