Episode 411: Debunking Myths About Men’s Sexuality (Essential Listen)
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You're listening to the Sex and Psychology Podcast, the sex ed you never got in school and won't get anywhere else. I am your host, Dr. Justin Lehmiller. I am a social psychologist and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of the book, Tell Me What You Want, The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Men's sexuality is very much misunderstood. Case in point, male sexuality is often described as being very simple, while female sexuality is described as being quite complex.

The truth, of course, is that everyone's sexuality is complex. There's also a pervasive belief out there that sex is just easy for men because they're always in the mood, and that sex is a purely physical experience for them. Again, however, these things are not true. The reality of male sexuality is complicated, and we're not doing anyone any favors by oversimplifying it. So in today's show, we're going to revisit one of my favorite conversations about this topic from the archives, which is my interview with Cam Frazier.

Cam is a certified professional sex coach, certified sexologist, registered counselor, and registered tantric yoga teacher. As a coach, he helps men to go beyond surface-level sex and into full-bodied, self-expressed, pleasure-oriented sexual experiences that are free of anxiety and shame. This interview is from one of the most popular episodes of the show to date, so it's worth listening to again.

We dive into common myths about male sexuality, what men really want when it comes to sex, how unrealistic appearance standards and penis size concerns affect men's intimate lives, the myth of men as perpetually horny, and so much more. This is going to be another fascinating conversation that you won't want to miss. ♪

Before we get to the main topic for today, here is our Just the Tips segment presented by Popstar. Popstar was founded by two sexual medicine docs who are creating science-backed products to support men's sexual health and pleasure. Whether you want to last longer, finish stronger, enhance your health, or just make sex more pleasurable, they have a solution for you. In our Just the Tips segments, my pal, Dr. Joshua Gonzalez, one of the founders of Popstar, will be joining me to answer your questions and share some tips and tricks to help men boost their bedroom confidence and performance.

Today, we're diving into the subject of how men can last longer in bed. Let's talk about it. Okay, Josh, I think a good starting point for this conversation is to understand what's normal when it comes to sexual stamina. You know, a lot of guys seem to be under the impression that they're supposed to be able to last at least 20 or 30 minutes or longer, which is probably unrealistic for most guys. So what's typical in terms of how long guys usually last in bed anyway?

Yeah, I mean, if you look at the data, it's somewhere between like five and seven minutes, which is surprising to hear for a lot of people. You know, and there's, I think, a number of reasons for that. It's how sex is portrayed in the popular media, how sex is portrayed in pornography. But there's definitely a big disconnect between what is reality and what people think is reality when it comes to how long you should last in bed.

Yeah. And, you know, it's very subjective, right? So when five to seven minutes is the average for some people that might seem like an eternity, right? Whereas for others that might not seem nearly long enough, right? Everybody's a little bit different with this, which I think is part of the reason why a lot of people feel insecure about it is because everybody's kind of measuring themselves up to a different standard.

Right, right. So there are lots of different things you can do if you want to try and last longer in bed. And one of them is to practice what's called the stop start technique. So tell us a little bit about that and how it works.

It's not something that I prescribe because it's usually not successful. And when you understand what it is, you can understand why. But it's essentially when you are having sex with your partner, right? It's usually sort of penetrative sex. You get too close to the point of where you feel like you're losing control or you may ejaculate and you stop everything that's happening.

The reason, as you can imagine, that that is difficult to do in real life is that there's another person involved, number one, right? It is often once you get past a certain point, if you're someone who has poor control over their ejaculation, it becomes this cycle that you actually cannot turn off. And if you can do it, it is often frustrating, not just for the person that has to stop what's going on, because what's going on is obviously feeling good, but also for their partner. So it ends up creating...

frustrating experience for everyone involved. Yeah. I mean, it's one of those things where if you actually practiced it perfectly and you had the self-discipline and control and ability to actually stop before you reached that point of orgasm, you know, you can learn to develop ejaculatory control that way. But as you said, it's hard for a lot of people to actually do that in practice, which is why it doesn't work for everybody.

Right, exactly. Now, another common solution to increasing sexual stamina is to use a delay spray. So what is a delay spray and how does that work?

So there's a variety of delay sprays on the market. They typically involve a topical lidocaine in some variety of strength. And typically this topical is sprayed on or wiped on the penis prior to sexual activity. So it essentially is partially numbing the nerve endings on the skin of the penis to help men last longer.

And you have a delay spray that you've developed, right? And so how is it similar or different from other products that are on the market? It's similar in the sense that we also use lidocaine. I would say the things that make our product stand out is that it's stronger than anything else on the market. So it's a 10% lidocaine spray. It's got an anti-transfer technology. So one of the issues with using atopical lidocaine, as you can imagine, is if you numb your penis, but then you stick it in somebody else's,

you run the risk of numbing your partner and that's not going to feel great for them. And so our product does not transfer to partners and therefore you get the control that you want without having a negative impact on your partner.

Yeah, numbing your partner probably isn't what they want for optimal sex. You know, I know that they've made or they make condoms, some companies do, that have like a numbing agent on the inside. And people sometimes put those condoms on inside out. And, you know, let's just say that tends not to work out well for either partner in that situation. Yeah.

So what are some other things guys can do to help last longer in bed? You know, for example, I've heard that like Kegel exercises, you know, strengthening your pelvic floor can potentially help or, you know, just the act of wearing a condom, you know, is sometimes something that can help as well. So what else can you try if you're having issues with wanting to last longer in bed?

Yeah, so I think the way I think about it is that there's the behavioral things, right? We talked about start, stop. There are things that you can do to sort of train yourself when you're masturbating and then hopefully be able to translate that with a partner. You know, I sometimes will recommend that patients use

sex toys that involve penetration, right? These kind of masturbating sleeves, right? They can kind of teach themselves over time to get better control and hopefully be able to translate that to partnered sex. There are the topical anesthetic sprays that we mentioned. There are barrier methods, things like condoms. There are

medications, right? So there are medicines that we use. There's no FDA approved medications for premature ejaculation or even delayed ejaculation for guys who have the opposite problem, but we do use medications off-label to help with this issue. And then you mentioned there is pelvic floor physical therapy. Kegel exercises are one type of pelvic floor exercises.

I have found that a lot of men with premature ejaculation actually have spastic muscles. And so sometimes Kegel exercises may not be what they need to do in and of itself. Like strengthening can be important, but sometimes they need to learn how to relax those muscles because they're contracting when they're not supposed to. I will often refer patients to a pelvic floor physical therapist so that they can do these exercises with the guidance of an expert.

Yeah. So, so many options that are out there. And, you know, what you said about using sex toys, I think is an important point because one of the benefits of incorporating like a stroker or male masturbator toy into your solo self-pleasure routine is that you can start to mimic the sensations of partnered sex, right? And so in that way, you can sort of practice what edging or what that stop-start technique would be like, right?

with sensations that mirror what you're going to have with a partner and where you might have more of that ability to have that self-control and discipline to stop before you actually have an orgasm. So yeah, lots of different things you can try here.

So thank you so much for sharing your tips with us, Josh. That wraps up our Just the Tips segment presented by Popstar. A huge thank you to our friends over at Popstar for sponsoring this segment and helping us all to have better and more pleasurable sex. We have much more ahead on today's show, so stick around and we're going to jump in right after this short break. Join leading researchers and experts for insightful presentations and discussions on the evolving landscape of sex and aging at the Kinsey Institute 2025 Specialty Intensive and Symposium this fall.

This event will take place on October 4th, 2025, with both online and in-person attendance options available. To learn more, visit kinseyinstitute.org. And to stay up to date on the latest events and educational opportunities, follow at Kinsey Institute on the socials.

Okay, Cam, let's discuss some myths about male sexuality. As a starting point, I want to talk about how male and female sexuality are often portrayed in the media. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this side-by-side image of two boxes with one labeled male and the other labeled female. And on the male side, there's this single button. You know, it's an on switch.

And on the female side, there's a whole bunch of buttons and knobs and dials and lights. But the goal of these images is basically to convey that male sexuality is simple and that female sexuality is complex.

And while that is often presented in a way that aims to be humorous, a lot of people seem to have internalized this message and they just think that men are simple creatures when it comes to sex. But that's not true. So tell us why this idea is wrong.

Yeah, I am familiar with the meme that you're talking about and it's a pet peeve of mine when I see that because I work with men every day and sex for them or sexuality for them is not simple and not straightforward and there is nuance and complication to it. And I think it does a disservice to men

And the people that love men is, you know, it flattens them, right? Like it doesn't acknowledge their human experience. It doesn't acknowledge the depth of their emotions and their psychology. And I think, like you said, a lot of people buy into that. And so there's a lot of men who I know who are going around trying to perpetuate that idea by divorcing their emotions from their sexual experiences, right? They're like really...

buying this idea of it's just physical, there's no emotional connection, like sex doesn't mean anything, right? It's just this, just get it up, get it off and get out essentially. And when I speak to them and we go kind of scratching underneath the surface, that's never the case. They're always telling me like there is like an emotional connection and there is like this desire for intimacy and there is something in terms of a deeper meaning, but they feel wrong for feeling that. They feel like that's not what they should be feeling because again, they bought into this script

that male sexuality is just you press a button, you get turned on, you come and then that's it. And so I think it's like I said before, doing disservice to a lot of men because they feel shame for maybe experiencing a lot more emotions in their sexual encounters than what they feel like they should, what their perceptions of masculinity allow them to. And I think similarly, the people that have sex with men or people that love men as well,

then can start to feel like there's miscommunication happening or like there's these expectations that aren't being met because they have the same education and expectation and perceptions around male sexuality as the men themselves. So I think, yeah, that does a big disservice. And if we look at the research, I suppose, like there's plenty of research out there which shows that like regards of gender emotions are experienced at the same rate. There's like some...

evidence to suggest like a gendered experience where there's certain emotions that women in these studies experience more intensely and there's certain emotions that men experience more intensely. I think part of that is social conditioning as well because one of the experiences that men supposedly experience more intensely is anger. And I think that's partly because anger is more socially acceptable for men in the society that we live in. I know I felt that personally. I felt like anger is a go-to emotion that's

okay for me to express as a man. And so that's possibly why I felt that more intensely in my body. But the more emotionally aware I've become, the more intense and tuned into the whole spectrum of emotions I've become. And so that's why I think that's probably socially conditioned. It's like, that's important evidence to take into consideration. And, um,

Something that I noticed when I speak to older men, for example, is, and I'm talking to older men like in their 60s and 70s, when I've done workshops and when I've had private conversations, is like as an acknowledgement, they kind of say to me, and I've heard this story so often, is when they were younger, they did maybe think, and they had an approach to sex, which was, like I said before, devoid or they're trying to divorce their emotions from those experiences. And as they've matured and gotten older, they've realized, wow, I really feel

like the thing that makes sex good for me is the emotional connection, is the intimacy, is the like feelings of desire and feeling desired themselves as well. I had to like, like another big piece of the puzzle is like this idea that men are the ones that do the desiring, are the ones that do the pursuing and that they don't need to feel desired themselves. They don't need to, you know, they shouldn't want to be wanted, but that's like a big piece of

a lot of these men who I've spoken to anyway, like their sexual experiences is like knowing that their partner desires them and knowing that there's like this mutual connection and intimacy with one another. So that's very anecdotal, I'll give you that. But like it's something that I hear over and over again. It's like these guys having this reckoning of like, whoa, there is so much emotion and intimacy tied to sex. And I've not been allowing myself to feel that. And now it's like becoming an issue.

Those are all great points, and this has me thinking about my own research on sexual fantasies. And when I ask people to write out their biggest sexual fantasy of all time, you know, there is a gender difference in the sense that men don't tend to write as much about the emotional experience involved in those fantasies.

But if you separately ask them, how important is it for you to feel a variety of specific emotions when you fantasize about sex, they're checking off a lot of things on the list. And one of the biggest ones is feeling desired by the other person. Another gender difference is that men actually, in their fantasies, focus more on a specific other person than

than do women. Women are more likely in their fantasies to see themselves as the object of desire. Women are more likely to have fantasies about a vague, faceless person. Men are much more likely to have a very specific person in mind and to have this strong want to feel desired by that other person. They don't necessarily consciously recognize that and write about it when they're describing their fantasies. But if you separately dive into

into different aspects of the fantasy, you see there's a big emotional element in many, if not most of those cases. And so it's just one of those things that people tend to get wrong about men's sexuality is that, as you said, they think that it's devoid of emotion and it's just about the physical pleasure and sensation, but it's so much more than that. Basically, the short answer is we're all complex beings.

And I think that's a really great opportunity to add some like practical advice there, right? It's like if you've got a partner and they're talking about their sexual experiences, if your partner's a man, like prompt them, right? Like ask them that deeper question because they might answer with physical sensations and the act that I talk about, the act of, you know, the fantasy itself, right?

And they might not go any deeper. And if you don't inquire anymore, then you might be left feeling like it's just a physical thing for them. But as you kind of share, Justin, with your research, like if they're prompted specifically to talk about it, they've got a lot of things to share, right? They're ticking off a lot of boxes. So that might be a really good conversational, practical piece of advice for couples or people that are having these conversations with men is to ask those questions and to give that kind of permission to go there for these guys.

Yeah, definitely great advice. And, you know, something I often like to suggest when people are talking about or sharing their fantasies is to ask the question of how do you want to feel during sex? You know, that's a totally different conversation than describe your fantasy to me, right? Because it goes to a deeper level and helps people to think about their fantasies and what it is that they really want to get out of them in a unique way.

So something else that I think is a big myth about male sexuality is the idea that only women feel pressure to subscribe to hyper-beauty standards and ideals.

And people tend to think that men are somehow immune to this, but that's not the case. A lot of men feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way. Some men have very serious body image issues, and those issues can spill over into the bedroom. So, for example, in some of the research I've seen, the more anxious men are about their overall physical appearance, and I'm not talking at all about penis size here, the more likely they are to report sexual problems.

So tell us a little bit about this. How do beauty standards affect men and what are the implications of this for sex, dating, and relationships?

Yeah. Thank you for expanding outwards from just penis size anxiety, because that's very often where that conversation gets stuck and it's important, but I think it's also really relevant to talk about your beauty standards and physique and body type in general. I speak to a lot of guys who feel, and I'll be, I'll disclose here, like I have felt this as well, that I am not a

muscular enough or I you know I don't look strong enough or I don't have washboard you know six-pack abs and and I speak to a lot of guys who you know feel very similarly that they're self-conscious about taking their shirt off at the beach or they're when it comes to like a sexual scenario they're worried that like they're not quote-unquote masculine enough for that partner again because for

physique and muscularity is conflated with masculinity. And so there's this fear of like, oh, my partner's not gonna find me attractive enough. And this is perpetuated by all these social media

you know, dating gurus who will go and do a little silly litmus test of showing two photos. One's like a bodybuilding world champion and the other's like a skinny guy sitting at a computer screen. And they'll ask women, you know, on the street after a couple of drinks, like, who would you want to take you home? And so a lot of guys see that and they go, oh, this is what the average woman wants. This is what women are wanting. And like, oh, like I'm not, I'm this guy on the computer screen in these crates.

stress and anxiety and body image concerns for them. And that gets perpetuated by social media in general, which is the people that are the influencers, the male influencers on social media, like they're hitting the gym or a lot of gym influencers, which a lot of men look up to are

taking steroids. It's a big issue, to be honest. And we might even look at the male physiques in pornography as well. And there's a specific male physique in heterosexual porn that a lot of guys will see as well. And that's where maybe the conversation about penis size is a bit more appropriate. But there is a lot of a lot of anxiety and it's increasing anxiety as well. We're kind of seeing that like it's on the rise. We're very familiar in the research with like the way that, you know, cis women in particular, like have a lot of

pressure and anxiety around their beauty standards and how that's been kind of like quite high for quite a while. And now we're kind of seeing this creeping incremental increase of like men also experience it. And I think that's like partly because of these companies. I don't want to get real cynical here and all political, but a lot of these companies are

Looking for a new clientele, looking for new customers. It's like, what's a way that we can do that? Well, let's make men feel insecure about their bodies. There's all these grooming companies now and skincare companies and stuff which are selling directly to men because, frankly, they see a new customer base, in my opinion. And maybe that's a bit cynical, but I definitely have seen it.

I'm really only speaking about heterosexual men now because this is my wheelhouse and the people that I work with, but I've spoken to many gay men who also feel an extra layer of body image concerns because of the, from what I understand, like the higher expectations of like being physically fit or being well-groomed or whatever it might be within like the particular community they're a part of. And so I'm seeing it heaps and it's only increasing in my observation.

Yeah, and I think it's fair to say, you know, historically and even today that the pressure that's on women to look a certain way is and has been greater than has been the case for men. I think in the past for men, there weren't really a lot of standards that they were held to for how they looked.

But today, I think, you know, the gender gap is closing, not because the standards for women are necessarily decreasing, but because the standards for men are increasing. You know, and if I just look at the ads that Instagram and Facebook are showing me, you know, they're all about things I need to do to change my appearance. You know, they're showing me the...

Here's the device to shave your balls. Here's the device to get rid of the hair on your back. Here is the men's makeup that you should be wearing. Like it's everything like head to toe about how I need to change my body to fit some certain standard. And, you know, that stuff did not exist.

10, 15, 20 years ago, or it didn't exist to the level that it does today. So, you know, the beauty standards for men, the expectations for their bodies, you know, you could also talk just more broadly about social media and who we're seeing depicted there and the influencers, you know, it's just raising standards for everybody. And I think putting a lot of unhealthy pressure on us that can spill over into sexual and other problems in our lives.

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So I wanted to talk about the general overall body first before we dove into the issue of penis size because I do know that that is a significant concern for a lot of men. You know, there's this idea that bigger is better, that's reinforced by porn. And a lot of guys feel inadequate about their size and some of them are going to extreme lengths, pun intended, to add more inches, whether that's getting a surgical implant, adding fillers, or using stretching devices.

So Cam, please tell us, does size really matter? And what's your advice to guys who are anxious because they think their penis is too small?

Does size really matter is a very loaded question because for some people it does, right? Like that is a fact. There are size queens out there and to them it definitely matters. And so I don't want to create false realities. I think that's like an important thing to firstly acknowledge. And, right, not but, but and, there's also a lot of people out there who size isn't a factor in their experience of pleasure or in their desire for their partner. Right?

And this is where like another little cliche saying might come in. It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. And I've even heard an extension of that phrase which is, it's not the size of the boat or the motion of the ocean, it's whether the captain can stay in port long enough for every passionate to get off. And so I think that's like a beautiful way of like thinking about sexual experiences is like, you know, if the goal is, you know, to experience pleasure, like,

that might not include a penis, right? And so then it doesn't really matter about what the size of the penis is. And if it is about size, there's toys, there's things that you can incorporate to fulfill that particular desire that a partner might have for girth or length or depth of penetration or whatever it might be. And so I know that's a tender issue for guys that maybe feel like they're on the smaller side, but it's a fact of life, it's a reality. Your body is not gonna be the body that every single person in the world wants to have sex with, that's fine.

It's okay. So beyond that, then like guys that do feel like they're on the smaller side and maybe they've looked up and I mean, I know I have done this. I know most men that I've spoken to have looked up the averages of penis sizes. It's like almost like a little rite of passage for guys and they're like, you know, understanding their bodies. They'll go and look at the sizes and

And so for guys that maybe do feel like they're below the average or they feel like they're on the smaller side, some things to look at then are certain positions, right? So I've spoken to colleagues on my podcast who talk about the positions that

feel stimulating or that allow for more depth because of the way that the bodies are positioned in that sexual encounter that allow for like a small penis to penetrate maybe the, if we're looking at like the anatomy of the vagina, like pressing up into the G spot or the G zone or the back of the clitoris. And so there's,

ways of maneuvering bodies, let's say, to allow for the penetration that you and your partner might be looking for. And so that's like just a real practical conversation to have. Like I said before, there's plenty of toys and oftentimes penis size anxiety comes through a place of like phallocentrism and like centering the penis in that sexual experience and thinking that all the pleasure has to come from

deep thrusting when sure some pleasure can come from that but it isn't the only pleasure and very often we know this is a very common thing now but like a lot of

Women in particular need clitoral stimulation and that comes from maybe using your tongue or hands or toys in conjunction with penetration or without. And so it doesn't matter how big you are in that regard because you're not penetrating when you're stimulating the clitoris with your hands or a toy. So there's, again, like this diversification of pleasure I think is like really necessary because the size of the penis isn't the be-all and end-all at the end of the day.

I think like one of the things that I talk about in that space as well as I do this workshop with men and I'll get a bunch of Play-Doh out or plasticine, depending on where you are in the world. And the activity that I'll give to men is I'll put the Play-Doh on the ground and I'll say like, I want you to create using this Play-Doh a normal penis. And that's the only prompt that I'll give them. And then,

You know, very often one of the guys will say, oh, I'm going to meet some more play-doh, you know, and the joke about being bigger. But then it prompts some really interesting conversations because some guys will make a faucet penis. Some guys will make an erect penis.

Some guys will add balls or testicles to their Play-Doh. Some guys will specifically make a foreskin. Other guys won't. Like it starts to prompt this question of like, well, what does a normal penis look like? And there isn't really an answer to that, right? And we talk about in the context of like erections and flaccidness or if we're

thinking of the percentage of time that a penis spends erect versus spends flaccid is a normal penis, a flaccid penis, right? Not an erect penis, but there's like zero representation of flaccid penises in pornography or mainstream media. And so there's this

what I call the fear of flaccidness, the fear of the flaccid penis. For a lot of people that know what to do with a flaccid penis when they're presented with one. So it's a really beautiful way of like de-stigmatizing like penis shakes and sizes. And there's some really great resources online that just have like a bunch of

of cocks of all different shakes and sizes. And again, like a lot of guys don't see penises out in the wild. So they don't have an accurate representation of like the variety of shakes and sizes out there. And they think that something's wrong with them. And to speak to the data, like I think I might misquote this, but I think it's accurate enough. It's like 80% of guys are unhappy with the size of their penis. And of those 80% of guys, 95% of them want to be bigger. So there is this real tangible difference

anxiety that guys have around the size of their cock. And so I often speak to partners and within the context of heterosexual couples, the power of positive affirmation from partners

his partner and the power of, I've talked about the power that's in her hands, literally like the loving touch that you can give to your partner's genitals, even if he's flaccid as well, without the intention of trying to get an erection from him or trying to stimulate him to the point of like getting an erection, just like having that loving, nurturing touch on his penis can be like a really healing experience for a lot of guys. Because like I said, there's a lot of anxiety and fear around like not being big enough and not being

they equate it with their masculinity. So not being masculine enough or whatever it might be. And the same, sure, that's a two-way street as well. There's a lot of power in our hands as men to help our partners feel comfortable and confident in their body as well, but it's a two-way street. Yeah, you said so many important things there. And I really hope you're keeping all of those Play-Doh penises that you're having people make because that sounds like it could be a fun art project at some point.

But to sum up what you're saying, you know, to the question of does size matter? There is not a one size fits all answer, right? Another pun intended. But different things matter to different people when it comes to sex and what is pleasurable and all of that.

And as you were speaking, I was thinking about a concept that I often share with people, which is this idea of genital fit. And I think that that's a big part of what makes sex pleasurable is it's just how your genitals line up for these sexual activities that you're going to be engaging in. And some people are just naturally a good fit.

Their bodies just line up in this way that results in pleasurable sex. Sometimes, however, you have to explore and experiment and find the positions where you have the right fit. And sometimes it doesn't really matter how many positions you try. You just might not have that ideal fit that you're

results in optimal pleasure for everyone and that's where you can explore things like toys or something else but it's also where you know some people just might not be sexually compatible because their bodies just don't line up in a way that results in optimal pleasure so i think what you said about recognizing that you're not going to be a sexual match for everybody is an important thing to keep in mind like that's okay you're not everybody's type but you are somebody's type

And once you come to recognize and realize that, I think that that becomes very reassuring. I know it's scary. Nobody likes rejection, but you're just not everybody's type, but you're somebody else's type.

Yeah, that's beautiful, man. And I appreciate you summing up my ranting very succinctly. Thank you. So I think another important myth, and we've kind of hinted at this in our discussion so far, is that men are always down to fuck, right? You know, if a sexual opportunity presents itself, men are going to be instantly turned on and ready to go. And I've heard from so many men over the years who are distressed because they find that they're just not ready to go at a moment's notice.

And then they start thinking they have erectile dysfunction. And then that turns into the self-fulfilling prophecy where the anxiety starts to get in the way of future erections. So, you know, just briefly, what's the truth here? Are men always supposed to be up for sex? No, no. It is a stereotype. It is a myth. I mentioned...

Sarah Hunter Murray's book, Not Always in the Mood in the previous episode. And I'll reference it again here. She's got some great data in there around the percentage of couples that go to see sex therapists. It's 50% of them, and these are heterosexual couples, I might add, 50% of them go and see sex therapists for libido discrepancies. So one partner's got a higher libido than the other that's causing issues. And of those 50% of couples, 50% of them, the woman has a higher libido than the man. So it's like,

If that data tells us anything, it tells us that it's pretty split down the middle of people having higher sex drive than their partners and who that might be. Oftentimes, libido gets conflated with testosterone. You know, I'll hear a lot of testosterone zealots kind of say that if you want more

Libido, if you want to desire sex more, just take testosterone. And while there is a correlational effect of testosterone on libido, that's not to be thrown under the rug, there's so many other things that impact sex drive. And even just hormonally, let's say cortisol and dopamine and a whole bunch of other things that go into it.

Also, if we're conflating testosterone with sex drive, which we shouldn't, but a lot of people do, we've got to acknowledge that testosterone fluctuates as well. It's high in the morning. It's low in the evening. There's also a seasonal pattern that can be observed where it's high in the winter and low in the summer. There's also rhythms with it that happen over 20 and 30-day cycles. There's also a steady decline with age as well. There's fluctuations in

testosterone and if you're conflating testosterone with sex drive there by proxy has to be fluctuations in sex drive as well so men aren't always you know high unyielding and unwavering in their desire for sex so yeah it's it's a myth and i think it's um doesn't do a service at all to men and the people that have sex with men

Yeah, well put. Now, I have one more question for you. I know we're running short on time, but as a sex and relationship coach, what do you think men need to know in terms of becoming better sexual partners? Do you have any top tips or takeaways you'd like people to know?

I certainly do. One of my top tips is to stoke your curiosity. I think curiosity should be the cornerstone of our sex life and our sexual relationships. And so in a practical sense, what that means is starting to ask questions of your partner. What are they into? You know, what turns them on?

What are their boundaries? What do they not want to do? And there's plenty of little activities and games that you can bring to your relationship, whether that's a long-term relationship or even a casual one that can help facilitate those conversations. You can Google the yes, no, maybe so activity. That's a great little practical resource. There's some card games that you can do. There's little things that just take that burden of initiation away and help you bring some playfulness and some curiosity into those conversations. And I

And I think that's a really good place to start is learning how to hold that space to have that conversation and to be curious and to ask questions that will serve you well. Another practical step is like, you know, I often think that sex between men

two or more people is like musicians at a jam session, right? And if you're wanting to have fun and then play some beautiful music, regardless of what it kind of sounds like, like you've got to be familiar with your own instruments, right? You've got to come to that jam session knowing how to play.

your guitar or your flute, right? Or whatever it is, your piano, right? There has to be some sort of level of competency with your own instrument. So that's where self-pleasure is really important. Learning about your own body is really important. Learning how to notice the different levels of arousal in your body, the different pathways of pleasure that you have. You know, I spoke previously about reconditioning yourself. If you've been doing something the same way for the last 15, 20 years when you masturbate,

there's probably a really strong pattern there in your body. And that's not a bad thing. Your body knows how to do something really well.

give it more things to do, diversify and add variety into your self-pleasuring practice. They say the variety is the spice of life. It's also the spice of your sex life, right? And that doesn't mean a variety of different people necessarily, but it means a variety of different ways of experiencing pleasure. And so I'm a big advocate for exploring your body by yourself and learning about it so that when you go to the jam sesh,

you've got some familiarity with how to play your instruments. And then hopefully you're asking the right questions about other people's instruments and how they play and how confident and comfortable they are in that space. So you can jam out and play some good music. Can you give me a music lesson, please? But make it sexy. I like the way that you put all of that. Thank you so much for this amazing conversation, Cam. It was a pleasure to have you here. Can you please tell my listeners where they can go to learn more about you and your work and maybe take one of your workshops?

Yeah, it was lovely to be here, Justin. Thank you. And the places people can find me is on social media at the Cam Fraser. That's F-R-A-S-E-R. I've also got a website, which is cam-fraser.com. Great. Well, thanks for sharing that. And thanks again for your time. I really appreciate having you here. No worries.

Thank you for listening. To keep up with new episodes of this podcast, visit my website, sexandpsychology at sexandpsychology.com or subscribe on your favorite platform where I hope you'll take a moment to rate and review the show. If you listen on Apple Podcasts, please consider becoming a Sex and Psychology Premium subscriber to enjoy ad-free listening for just $3.99 a month.

You can also follow me on social media for daily sex research updates. I'm on Blue Sky and X at Justin Laymiller and Instagram at Justin J. Laymiller. Also, be sure to check out my book, Tell Me What You Want. Thanks again for listening. Until next time.