If You Hate Setting Goals, Do This Instead
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All right, team. Welcome back to the Man Talk show. Connor Beaton here.

Today, I'm going to be talking about what to do if you don't like setting goals. Now, I will admit first and foremost, like straight out the gates, I really don't like goal setting. I've never been. I've tried it so many times. I have tried to set goals. I have tried to have smart goals and a linear trajectory towards very specific outcomes. And for me, it's

I just hate it. I just do not like it. It doesn't work for me. It feels constricting. I feel caged in. It feels boring. It doesn't feel adventurous or exciting. And I never stick to it. I almost never stick to it. I will, however, I will set some targets.

You can call those goals, you can call them whatever you want. But how I approach this is very, very different. And I've noticed that there's a lot of people that traditional goal setting and goal acquisition just does not work for them. And so I'm going to be sharing with you what I use and how I go about actually achieving and accomplishing things in a way that is very, very different.

Goal setting is traditionally something that's very linear. So you create a goal and then you create a work back plan to attain or reach that goal, right? And that's what SMART goals are, specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time bound. And you can kind of map out every single part of the journey of reaching that goal. Now, for some things like

For example, if you're wanting to put on 10 pounds of muscle mass, there is a very specific trajectory and pathway. If that's your goal, right, putting on 10 pounds of muscle mass, there's a very specific pathway to get there and you can chart that out and it can be very linear. Same thing with like losing 10 pounds. If you wanted to lose 10 pounds,

there's a very specific trajectory and pathway that is linear in order for you to get there, right? You probably have to go into a calorie deficit and calorie count and blah, blah, blah, blah.

So there are some things where having a more linear pathway to a goal can be helpful, but there are many things in life where that's not realistic. Like if your goal is to have an exceptional relationship that is deep and rich in intimacy, well, there's likely not a very specific linear pathway that's going to get you and your partner there.

Another example is finding a deep and meaningful sense of purpose. There's no linear pathway that's going to lead you to that goal or that outcome. There are some goals or targets, I call them aims, there are some aims that we have in life that require a nonlinear approach

to reaching that target, that aim, or that destination. And so today I'm going to share with you some of the things that I have found to be incredibly helpful for reaching those types of goals because for me, those are the things that are really interesting. When you talk about personal development or self-help, a lot of these things are kind of vague. They're kind of nebulous.

And, you know, if you think about, oh, I want to have a better relationship to myself or I want to improve my inner dialogue. Well, there are certain steps that you can take for that aim and that goal, but there's so many unknown variables. It is much more vague. It's much more nebulous. It's not like, okay, you know, do step one, do step two, do step three, do step four, and then you'll reach your goal and your destination of having a much better internal dialogue and conversation.

Yes, there are steps that you can take that are tactical that might be a little bit linear, but there's a lot of fluidity and flexibility that needs to enter into that conversation. So traditional goal setting, very linear. What we're going to be talking about today, non-traditional, more fluid,

non-linear goal setting. So I like to approach this, I'm going to use a couple of different analogies. I like to approach this more along the lines of a tracking and hunting style of orientation. So I might set a goal or an aim for myself and we can just, we'll set a couple examples, right? So I want to have a better relationship, but I want to have better communication with my wife.

or I want to have a better internal dialogue. I want to be able to speak to myself in a healthier way. So there's the aim or the target, right? Or I want to find a deeper sense of purpose in my life. There's the aim or the target. Now, how I'm going to go about that is through a process of hunting, of learning to track

for clues and evidence that I'm moving in the right direction towards that aim or that pathway. I'm going to give you six things that I have found to be incredibly helpful when it comes to reaching these types of nonlinear goals that we often have in our life. So step number one

is design your aim, create your aim, write down your aim. What is the aim that you would like to work towards? And try and make it somewhat specific

Make sure it's not so vague, right? Like maybe I want to have more purpose in life is too broad and too vague. Maybe you need to narrow it down. Like I want to have more fulfillment and meaning in my work, right? I want to have more fulfillment and meaning in my work, or I want to feel a deeper sense of purpose in my career, in my work, however you want to frame that.

So have an aim that's not so broad and so vague, but that's not so minuscule and concise. Because again, if it's really, really a tight, constricted, traditional goal, then that's probably something that you could create a linear process towards.

We're talking about the things that feel more nebulous to reach and attain, right? I want to feel better about myself. I want to like myself more. I want to be able to appreciate myself. I want to be able to forgive my partner. I want to be able to let go of resentment. These types of things that can sometimes feel nebulous and vague in terms of how we get there. So that's number one. Have the aim, have the target that you're working towards.

Number two, let go of the idea that there is a linear step-by-step process or way to reach it. One of the biggest hurdles that most people face when it comes to non-linear goals, non-linear aims, is that they are still approaching these goals and these aims in life from a linear fashion. You can spend a tremendous amount of time, and you've probably done this, right? I know I did this for a long time. It's like, okay,

I want to feel better about myself. I want to like myself more. I remember I had a goal. I was just like, I want to stop hating myself. That was literally a goal of mine for a long time. And I was stuck because I was in this place of like, there has to be a step-by-step process that I can go through that's going to help me get to that target. But it wasn't until I let go of

needing this linear process, this step-by-step process that needed to unfold, that I could start to find the more fluid, more natural process that was required in order for me to reach that target and that goal. Step number three is embrace testing and experimentation. Embrace testing and experimentation. So one of the beautiful things about nonlinear goals or nonlinear aims is

is that it requires you to approach reaching the target in a very different way. And I like to think about this like chess, right? We can use chess, we can use hunting, tracking. I'll just bounce around from analogies and metaphors. When you start playing chess, and I'm not very good at chess at all, but I've started to learn how to play it. When you start to play chess, it is a process of

experimentation where you are setting up certain moves, certain frames, there's certain openings that you can use, but you're experimenting, right? If I do this, how does the other person respond? If I move the pawn, how does the other person respond? If I use my bishop, how does the other person respond? If I pigeon them in, if I start to pinch in on them, on their king or on their queen this way, how do they respond? And it's kind of a process of experimentation where you're making a move

and you're getting feedback. You're making a move, you're getting feedback, making a move and getting feedback. And in a nonlinear goal, this is really the process that you want to use. You want to experiment. When I do this, what's the result that happens? It's less about getting the right outcome, and it is more about noticing the information and the data that comes back in response.

So for example, if you're trying to improve communication in your relationship, there's a wonderful space for trying out and experimenting with different things, right? If I use more direct language, what happens? Does my partner respond really well or do they respond negatively? If I use more simple language, do they respond really well or do they respond negatively? If I use more open-ended questions, do they respond negatively or do they respond positively?

And so in this process, you're experimenting, and this is where the tracking comes in. I remember I interviewed this guy named Boyd Vardy. Great interview, by the way. If you ever want, go back and check that out on the podcast. I'll put the link in the show notes on YouTube.

But Boyd works on a game reserve in South Africa. And we were talking about this process of tracking down a leopard, which are very evasive. It's very hard to track leopards because they don't... It's not like lions who just sort of walk along the ground. Leopards will...

go up in trees for a period of time, and that can wipe out their tracks. They can move through bushes that can be hard to track. I mean, there's many different things that leopards do that make it hard to track them. And so you can kind of be on the trail of a leopard for a period of time. And then all of a sudden the trail just vanishes and you're like, where did this thing go? Like how there's literally a paw prints and now they're not there. Like where did this thing possibly go?

So tracking things like purpose, tracking things like personal development, tracking things like progress within your relationship, all of these things, because they are much more fluid, you are really trying to get a sense of what does the track look like? What does the progress feel like? And this is really an important part of the equation. Then this brings me to the fourth point,

which is you need to start to learn how to read the data from your body.

So, linear goals are very much driven by rational data. You set a goal, I want to lose five pounds. You set out a very specific strict structure of what you are going to eat. You cut out all the things that you are not going to eat, and you start to go down this linear path, and you just follow this very specific structure, and you can see very clearly you're weight reducing, and away you go. It's a very rational, linear process.

However, when you are setting a nonlinear goal, like I want to improve communication in my relationship, you are looking for signs of improvement that are more felt than they are rational. They are more felt than they are rational, which means that you are trying to tune into your gut, you're trying to tune into your intuition, you're trying to tune into a sense of

self, that self voice, that authentic voice of like, oh yeah, okay, I said that and I noticed that she responded really, really well and really positively. I could feel that in my body. I could feel that there was much more ease and peace. There wasn't resistance. There wasn't animosity coming back at me. Okay, that really worked. That's a pathway I can take. So you start to have to learn how to track

By using a deeper felt sense, listening to your gut, listening to your inner voice, listening to your intuition, whatever word works for you,

but you are listening to a deeper sense of data. And the important thing here is that your body has a tremendous amount of data that it is constantly pushing up to the brain, right? Emotions, sensory, tactile information that it's constantly sending up to the brain. And a lot of this is the fluid, unconscious information of existence, which is incredibly important

comes to a nonlinear goal, right? How do you know that you're living with purpose? Well, it's not something that you, maybe you can rationally explain some of it, right? I have a tremendous amount of purpose in my life. I'm very fortunate in the sense that what I do for my work brings me a deep amount of joy and fulfillment and purpose and meaning in life. And I'm

I could rationally explain to you why that is, but what's more true and how I know that I'm living with purpose is more a felt experience. It is a knowing in my body that I don't need to necessarily rationally explain or lay out for people in a logical way. It's something that I know internally that is unequivocal that doesn't need to be debated.

So this is something that a lot of men struggle with because we have, as men, you as a man, have been trained to over-index your rational mind.

And you've been trained that how you reach a goal or a target is simply by creating linear steps that are going to lead you towards that goal or that target. And again, if you wanted to improve in archery, if you wanted to get better at shooting guns, if you wanted to, whatever it is, develop a skill set like that, there are linear steps that you can take and a linear progression that you can take that will get you to that target.

But with the things that we're talking about, these nonlinear goals, you have to listen to a different subset of data. So you have to start to feel into your body, like, did that go right? Did that not go right? What was that like internally? Did I feel a negative charge? Did I feel a positive charge? Oh, that did go well. Okay, cool. And in doing this, you start to develop a very robust connection to a deeper sense of knowing, to your gut.

And that type of intelligence, and I know that this might sound woo-woo to some people. I know that for some guys that listen to this and they're like, what is this dude on about? I know that for some guys it's just like, I don't care about those goals at all. But for those of you that do get what I'm saying and do care about what I'm saying, you start to develop a deeper level of trust in yourself because you

Men need to know how to go out and reach a goal and a target in a linear fashion, but we also need to know how to go out and reach a goal or a target in a nonlinear fashion. We also need to be able to listen to the information in our bodies, in our gut, to be able to tune into like, oh, that didn't really work. I didn't really get the response that I wanted. Let me try this.

And there's a deeper conversation that happens inside of you. So learning how to track from your gut, using your body as a kind of detective that is helping you to track down your aim, track down the purpose, track down the deeper connection or communication or intimacy in your relationship.

Next is be honest about what's working and what's not. Be honest about what's working and what's not. This is where the rational mind can come into play. You can listen to your gut. You can tune into the information of like, "I didn't really feel like it was working," or, "I tried that out and it kind of sucked. I went and did some public speaking and my whole body was just like, 'No, this isn't really for me. I felt awkward.'"

and really start to receive feedback from other people and tune into, is this working or is this not working? And this is a bit of an interesting part of the equation because you get to this point where you're tracking down your purpose or whatever the aim is, right? Whatever your nonlinear goal is, and you're tracking down your aim

And you might have to try things a few times in order to really get a deep understanding of like, oh yeah, that's not working. Or this really is, this really is functioning. So for example, when I started Man Talks, we had events, public facing events where men would come out and speak and they were open to everybody. And we'd have hundreds and hundreds of people at these events all over North America. I had them in cities like Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, New York, Miami, LA, like they were all over the place.

And it got to this place where I was building up the company and the organization. It was growing and scaling rapidly. But in my gut, even though the events were growing, I could feel that it was not necessarily the right path to be going down.

One, the events were hard to monetize and consistently make money off of. They were hard to market. But two, I started to notice that men were needing a lot deeper support and they were wanting more in-depth conversations than what were being provided at the events. And I kept hearing that. I kept hearing that.

So I was honest about what was working and what was not. What was working was the events were doing great and they were scaling, but what was not working was it wasn't having the depth of impact on the men that were coming out that I really wanted my organization to have. And that's when I shifted and opened up some men's groups and some one-on-one and a whole bunch of other things. So be honest about what's working and what's not. Last piece.

Pay attention to the unknown and the unforeseen. Pay attention to the unknown and the unforeseen, and part of this is pay attention to synchronicities. Carl Jung talks about this extensively, the power and the potency of synchronicities, but just pay attention to unforeseen, unknown circumstances. These can be very valuable clues towards what you are tracking.

So often, because we are so conditioned to think in a linear, rational fashion, whenever something comes in that's unforeseen or unknown, we see it almost automatically. We see it as a hurdle or an obstacle or it's like, oh, this is something bad. It's not good. But the unforeseen and the unknown can be extremely, extremely valuable information that can give you another clue to

that can lead you towards the aim, that can lead you towards the non-linear goal. So a good question that I like to ask myself is, what might this unforeseen situation or circumstance be trying to teach me, be trying to tell me? If this unknown circumstance wasn't a problem, why?

What might it mean? What truth might it hold? So those are some questions that I usually try and ask myself when I'm trying to build something within my company or something happens within my relationship that's unknown or unforeseen.

And I have to try and take a step back to say, okay, rather than seeing this as just a block or an obstacle of reaching my target, how might it be maybe setting me on a separate course? Because remember, in the tracking analogy, there are a lot of unforeseen circumstances that happen. You might be right hot on the track.

of a leopard, and all of a sudden a storm comes in and wipes it all out entirely. And you have to kind of be able to take a step back and say, okay, what might this be trying to show me or teach me? Now, maybe there's just nothing in it, right? Maybe it's just like, it's a storm. Not everything has to mean something. And it's just causing chaos, right? It's just pure chaos and havoc.

But it also might be there to help you refine your ability and your competency in tracking and staying connected to the energetic tether of moving towards that aim. And this is the last piece that is really, really important when it comes to reaching our aims, especially our nonlinear goals, is

is we have to be willing to maintain some type of a tether and connection to the aim energetically. We have to be open to and start to learn how to create a tether to, am I moving in the right direction or is this pulling me further away? Do I feel stretched out?

further away is the signal, right? You can kind of think of it as like an energetic signal, is the signal that I'm moving closer. I remember the other day I was playing hot, cold with my son, right? I hid something. I hid one of his toys and he's running around the house and I'm saying, you know, cold, cold, cold. And, you know, that meant that he had to, he was far away from it. And then he started to get closer and he's like, hot, hot, hot. Okay. Boiling hot.

And that's kind of how it works with nonlinear aims and goals, is that you have to start to attune your mind and your body towards, is this moving me closer energetically? Can I feel and tell that I'm moving closer towards this?

Better communication, deeper intimacy, less conflict in my relationship or marriage? Am I moving closer towards more meaning and purpose in my work? Or is it getting stretched thinner and I feel further and further and further away? Now, the caveat to this part is that at the very beginning, it's going to be a very faint signal. So it's going to be hard to even know if you're in the vicinity.

of that thing or not. And as you experiment, this is tying back into point number three, as you experiment, you will get a sense of whether it's moving you closer towards your target or your aim, or if it's moving you further and further away. So share your thoughts below. Don't forget to man it forward and share this with somebody that you know could enjoy it. Until next week, Conor Beaton signing off.

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