🎤 PODCAST • Childish Fears ~ I'm 20 and afraid of the dark.
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The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter 1 for free at drkenner.com. Dear Dr. Kenner, my name is Erica and I'm 20. All my life I've been afraid. Notice it's general there. It's not just the dark, unless I am surrounded by other people. So having that fear of going through life, unless you have a safe person, unless you have someone you can cling to,

So that's many, many people struggle with that, unfortunately. I'll continue with her letter now. Lately, my delusions have manifested into more creative and horrific phobias. These phobias get the best of me now because I've just moved into a new home and I'm not yet adjusted. Like most children, these phobias feed off darkness. I guess it's the unknown of the dark that propels me to be so frightened. I dread going to bed at night.

The several nights I've attempted to fall asleep, I found it difficult to do so because of the noises in the hall outside the bedroom. It sounds like footsteps. I don't have any pets in my home and I have an alarm system so I know nobody is in the home.

However, it didn't seem to stop me from hearing things. The next night, I attempted to fall asleep. I could have sworn that I felt a vibration on the foot of my bed, what seemed to be the weight of a cat jumping onto the bed. I was resting on my stomach, and it was pitch black in the room, and I was afraid to look. My suggestion right there is, look. You never want to avoid. You look.

And you'll see that no cat is there and it will start to put a lie to all of this nonsense. Continuing again, every night I wake up restless and drenched in perspiration from nightmares I've had during the course of the night. I know that this must seem crazy. It must be a product of my imagination. However, I can't get myself to fully believe that.

Moreover, when I work out on my treadmill, I constantly interrupt my workout to stop what I'm doing and look over my shoulder at the stairs because I feel as if someone is coming down the steps. I constantly have the feeling that someone's behind me and it needs to stop. I know that I should see a professional about this, but I feel ashamed. I'm 20 years old.

And it's time I grew out of this childhood phase. However, it seems irreversible. I'm in desperate need of an opinion. Erica. Erica, the first thing I want to say is I'm so glad that you reached out because you did reach out to me and that's the first step.

And especially with a phobia like this, they're common, they happen in adults, and they are completely reversible. Not only that, but relatively simple to lift. And I don't mean you can lift it overnight. The main thread that I'm hearing in this, though, is I suspect...

Thank you for watching.

So you may not be able to access it or you may be able to access it. I've worked with clients who've just been shocked when they put two and two together and they see that their fears were really based on some real life event.

So I recommend that you definitely get some therapy and see if there's some trauma behind this. People actually going after you and you needed to look over your shoulder or something that happened in the dark that was scary and you said to your mind it's important to be vigilant, to look out and be watchful to make sure that this never happens again.

Now, I can tell you that I've had a lot of phobias as a kid growing up. I don't have them now, but I had a fear of spiders. I had fear of blood being drawn. I had a fear of the dark.

I used to check my closet and look under the bed nightly as a kid. And what do you do? At the age of 20, that's your age, I still had my fear of blood being drawn, of shots. I used to just imagine this. In fact, I locked myself in my pediatrician's office. I was going to my pediatrician to get blood drawn for, at the time you needed it, in order to get married. I'm over that fear. Now, how did I get over it?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad and then Alan will be back. Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book, The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com. I was going to my pediatrician to get blood drawn for, at the time you needed it, in order to get married. I'm over that fear. Now, how did I get over it? Well, one of the things that I did was I made the decision I wasn't going to have this fear for life.

And so I decided, especially when I went through pregnancy, that I would watch them give me shots. I would put up with that. I would see the blood run. I would see the vein pop out. And I wasn't going to live in fear of something that I thought,

from another corner of my mind was irrational and it made a huge difference in my life. You know, now I can appreciate the science behind being able to put in a needle that's sterile and draw blood and find out, diagnose illnesses or diagnose health, which is much better. So you want to be able to do that for yourself. Don't worry about your age. I'll tell you that Dr. Aaron Beck, who's the father of cognitive therapy, one of the best therapy around in my book,

It's not perfect, but it's the best you can get at this point. He had a fear of blood himself. He had had many surgeries as a child, and so he had a fear of blood. And he decided he was very ashamed of it, like you are. Of course, now he isn't. Now he talks about it openly.

And he decided to become a surgeon. And so he became a surgeon's assistant and had to be in the amphitheater for two hours with blood and guts in order to get over his fear. Now, you don't need to do that. You just need to open your eyes when you think there's a cat in your bed. You need to ask yourself what other explanations are there for the noises in the house. Get some factual information. What makes creaks around the house?

And take pride in the fact that you're living on your own also. This is to deal not with the noises now, but take pride in the fact that you are on your own now and that it's not that you need people around, but you're capable of surviving independently. And what a good opportunity to go through this transition period for yourself.

Cognitive therapy skills abound. There are books on the market. There's one at my website, which is drkenner.com, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R dot com.

I put a lot of books on my website that I recommend. One of them is Getting Rid of Fear and Anxiety by Edmund Boren. And you'll have skills, like how many times when you heard the noises did something bad happen to you? You'll try to take a percentage, and if it's 0%, it starts to put things in perspective for you. Again, as I said earlier, what other noises would make those...

What noises in the house make those creaking noises? The heating system or the air conditioning system? What else? Just houses settling, air in the pipes?

Then know about the power of imagination. Hypnotists use that all the time. Your eyes are getting heavy now. Now, your eyelids are not getting heavy, but they feel heavy. So if you tell yourself there's a cat on your bed, if you tell yourself that there's a vibration, then you've got a very good imagination. You could use it to create a Disney movie, but don't use it as a horror movie. I don't like that genre.

So you need to give yourself a different way of looking at it. And as I said, avoid avoidance. There's a darling little book, Berenstain Bears in the Dark, and it just helps kids through this. Well, as an adult, you want to help yourself through this and there's absolutely no shame associated with it.

There's shame associated with not getting help for yourself and pride associated with learning better thinking skills. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner. A romantic partner to avoid is someone who tries to fake their self-esteem by using defense values. People

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Not all these values are necessarily irrational. The problem is that they are held compulsively and even desperately. An expensive car can give you pleasure, but not if you just want to own it to show off. You are still the same person with or without the car. Whether others approve of you or not does not change who you are. You can download Chapter 1 for free at drkenner.com. And you can buy the book at Amazon.com.