🎤 PODCAST • Communication ~ How can I resolve a communication problem with my coworker?
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Jennifer, you're having problems with a friend and a co-worker? Yes, um...

It was just, you know, I feel very close to this person. We carpool together on a daily basis, practically daily as much as we can if it works out. And it's just a very disappointing situation. Last Thursday it was my turn to drive in the carpool, and I had...

I was able to only work Monday and Thursday last week because I had taken a vacation day and another day of personal time off in order to have an endoscopy. Yeah. The week before I had a colonoscopy, so, you know, a lot has been going on. Yeah. And a whole slew of appointments for my daughter. And I was very anxious that morning. I knew the other person had to...

have some, had to bring her car in, so it was going to be a little extra. This is, you're saying this is, it was your day to carpool? My day to drive. Your day to drive, and then what happened? You weren't able to do it, and she got upset? No, no, I did. Oh, you did, okay. Actually, I actually called her up, my friend up a little bit, you know, a little early, like 7.30, to give her a little, um,

heads up that, you know, please let me know the earliest you can leave. Yeah. Then I called up around 20 minutes later because I figured maybe she didn't get the message. Yeah. And so then she told me she could meet at 830. So I went to the location and I was there 25 after just in case she was early. Yeah. And I'm not real good at always getting, you know, real, real prompt. But I got there 25 after and she came a quarter up.

And I didn't get angry with her because I figured she wasn't able, even though she said 8.30, she was having trouble getting up and getting out. Yeah, what ended up happening? Well, what ended up happening was when then...

going home because I only had two days of work. There were responsibilities I had at work. Yeah, it sounds like in a nutshell, what happened? She got upset with you because you couldn't take her home or just give me that. She got upset with me because I think, this is the curious thing, because she was asking me, can we leave, you know, are we going to leave now? And

And I said, you know, it's going to be a few minutes more. And we left a little bit later than expected. I guess we left a quarter to, we left... Fifteen minutes later or a half hour later? Ten minutes later. Ten minutes later. Okay. And so then what happened? Well, I could tell, I'm very sensitive and I could pick up on her vibes that she was not happy. So... Yeah. How long have you known her?

Oh, many years. Many years. Has this happened before? Yeah, she's gotten angry before, but it's kind of... How does it resolve? Well, I usually end up apologizing, but I just... I started to kind of explain that that's why I wanted to leave early, because I was kind of like...

You know what? I'm having a hard time following part of it. Let me see if I can sum up, Jennifer, and you can tell me where I'm off base because I want some time left so I can give you some tips. What I'm hearing is that... Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad and then Alan will be back. Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What I'm hearing is that you have a good friend who is also a co-worker. You carpooled together. You had some unusual circumstances, some medical appointments that you needed to get to that kind of messed up your schedule, and you asked her if she could come early. She accommodated but actually wasn't there precisely on time. She was 15 minutes late.

then in the afternoon when you go to take her back home or another time when you go to take her back home, you're 10 minutes late and she becomes sullen. She's not happy, but she's not telling you what it is. You're left with a big gigantic question mark of she's upset. I don't know why. I don't know how to remedy this. And I don't feel that guilty because, hey, she was 15 minutes late and I'm 10 minutes late.

Well, yeah. And I usually apologize. That was the last piece. I kind of, yeah, I was trying to explain...

You want to be careful with over-explaining, though. If you go into too much detail... Now, Trani, I had to get my work done. I couldn't leave earlier, you know, because she was there ahead of me. Look at all the effort you're putting in, and you don't even know what's going on in her mind. I'm assuming that. So the question is, the skill is to draw her out. I can see that you're real quiet about...

Help me understand you better. You give a person an invitation with a statement like that. You know, I know you so well. I know something's bugging you. And I miss it when we just talk freely. We're such good friends. I miss that. Help me understand what's going on. Very short and sweet.

rather than say I know you're angry with me oh don't say that because what happens if it's she's not angry with you what happens if she has diarrhea and she's just hoping you drive a little faster what no I mean really I love capturing examples when I am certain that I know that someone doesn't like me or that someone's upset with me and I find out later that I was 180 degrees off I

I love capturing those examples because it's a nice little tap on my shoulder saying, Ellen, don't assume you can read a person's mind.

and you don't know their context, you may have done nothing wrong. You can just say you look a little upset or you look a little angry. I mean, if that's what she looks, you can say that. But then let her offer, yeah, my kids are really bugging me this morning or I didn't have sex last night or I had too much sex and I didn't enjoy it. There's nothing in it for me. You don't know what's on her mind.

So you just give an invitation. If you over-explain your piece, just like you were doing with me on the radio, you're all wrapped up in every single nuance of what you did, as if you sound guilty to begin with, before you even know what happened. Yeah, I found myself explaining...

how hard I was trying to be perfect. She knows you. Wait a minute. I could just as easily be mad. I'm not angry with her. Yeah, I know. So you're over-apologizing, or you don't even need to apologize in that case. The skill is to draw a person out. When you have a question mark, when someone that you care about and value seems upset,

Give them an invitation. And you can add one more thing, Jennifer. You can say, if she's really upset, you know, you can say, something's on your mind. I'm not sure what it is. When you're ready to, you know, if you're ready to share it with me, I'd love to hear what's bugging you or what's upsetting.

what's upsetting you. But don't assume it's you. In your mind, come up with some other examples so that you don't just assume that you're guilty. My guess is that you're well-trained in feeling guilt. You want to be very good to yourself and learn how to dump unearned guilt. You don't know whether you're guilty of anything in this situation. Let her explain her piece. Then you can talk back and forth. But let her know that you miss the friendship because I think that's a welcoming hand to her.

So thank you so much for your call, Jennifer. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the Serious Romance Guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke. One method for resolving conflict with your romantic partner is to take a brief break from each other. For example, one might go for a walk while the other listen to music.

This would give their emotions time to calm down, in their minds time to see the argument or conflict from a different angle and to consider alternative solutions.

You should decide in advance how you want to use this method. Taking a break from the conflict works best if it is a mutually agreed upon method that either of you can initiate, such as, let's separate for an hour and come back to this when we're in a better mindset. Continuing to battle it out when you are too upset to think straight or when you are resorting to poor communication methods is counterproductive.

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