🎤 PODCAST • Dating Skills ~ How do I find a new girlfriend after a recent breakup?
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The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter 1 for free at drkenner.com. And let's turn to the phones now. And Josh, you have a question? Yeah, I was just calling to check up on my romantic life. Okay. Yeah. It's your romantic life that you have a question. What's your question? Well, basically, I was calling because me and my girlfriend broke up like a few months ago, being together for like three years.

And I was just doing what I don't want to. And if any friends will come along within the next year or so, something like that. Oh, you're wondering if you'll ever find anybody else again? Yeah. Is that the problem? You broke up a few months ago? No, we broke up like a few, like, it has been like a month. A month ago. We've been together for like three years. Okay. And so your biggest concern is, is there anybody else out there for me?

Yeah. And you're how old? I'm 20, 25. Okay. If you were 99 years old, guess what I might say? What is the laugh telling you? What do you already know about the question? You probably have a slim chance.

If you were 99, right. But if you were your age now, 20 years old, what do you think are the chances of a 20-year-old who wants to find a partner, who wants a romantic relationship, what are the chances of that? That's probably like close to 100. Yeah, that's cool. So how would you go about doing it? What thoughts have crossed your mind? Well, I don't know. I mean, like, I know I already have been attracted to my girl, but they may end up broken up, so...

I don't know right now. You don't know how to put it together right now. Well, what's broken? What's not put together? The whole situation. I mean, we just broke up. I'm just looking for friends to meet and chat with, like girls and stuff, and just hang out and get to know them.

Well, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. If you broke up just a month ago, you said one month ago, and you had been together for three years, who broke up? Did she break up or did you break up? Yeah, me and her just split up because we wasn't communicating right and

And things just wasn't right at the time, so we decided to split up. Okay, now that's floating for me. What didn't you enjoy, what did you not enjoy in the relationship, Josh? Basically her just being the way she is and the way she likes hanging out with girls and her just being insecure about herself. So you didn't feel like she cared about you. She was more into herself. Yeah. How old was she?

She's 26. You got someone older, huh? Yeah. Is that what you're... You prefer dating someone older? Well, it depends. We get along and we got a good communication level. Yeah. Yeah. So what went wrong with your... On your part, if you could look at...

Just what you wish you had done differently. I understand that you see that she is a me-only type person. What do you think you could have done better in the relationship to make it run more smoothly? I'd try to do everything. I mean, like, always hang out with her. Because you're basically staying together. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

And basically, I mean, like, I try to do everything. I try to get her flowers and write a note, cook a dinner, like, do little small things like that to show her how I appreciate her. And what did she do when you did those lovely things for her? I said, girl, you don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. So she felt awkward with it.

It sounds like she didn't like it. She didn't say, oh, thank you so much, Josh. That's wonderful. Instead, she felt awkward. It's like, oh, don't do that.

Yeah. So you need to hear that in a person. Some people have what is called different love languages. For example, if my husband showered me with gifts, do you think I would have a big smile on my face? If he brought me diamond rings and bracelets and the rest, do you think I would have a big smile on my face? Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

If my husband showered me with gifts, do you think I would have a big smile on my face? If he brought me diamond rings and bracelets and the rest, do you think I would have a big smile on my face? You probably will. Well,

The answer is, uh-uh. Who girl won't have a smile on their face? A diamond ain't my best friend. They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but they're not mine. I would feel insulted, like he felt like he had to buy me, like he didn't know. He had to buy it for you. Yeah, you know, that's not what I like. But some people do value gifts. To some people, it's legitimately meaningful. To me, it isn't. I prefer something smaller.

So I don't like big bouquets of flowers, so he needs to know what my love languages are. I love words. I love it when he tells me how he feels about me. I love it when he helps out around the house. That makes me feel romantic. That makes me feel closer to him.

I love it when we talk about going away together. And he may have slightly different love languages. You know, he may not like the words as much. He may prefer the touch. I think God shy away from the word. From words? Yeah, from like love and all that and like...

Stuff like that. Well, then it would put you in a very good place. If you're looking for a new partner and if you know your competition doesn't have the courage, doesn't have the ability to put into words what they're feeling, but you do, you think you'd make a better partner? No. You don't. If you could tell a woman what you value in her. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Oh, yeah. You're telling a woman. Yeah.

But I love the girl that tells me how she feels, too. You know what I mean? That makes me feel like, okay, I'm comfortable with her. Right. So if you tell her what you value in her and do it specifically, you can't just say you're great. Because if I said to you, Josh, you're a great guy.

I mean, that's what she used to tell me. She'd go, you're a good guy. You're a good guy. Yeah, but you know, to me that floats. It's not good enough. I want to hear what you observe in me that you think is great. If my husband said, Ellen, you're great. And I said, why? And he says, because you have a nice tan.

Oh, my God, that's so superficial. If he said, Ellen, you're great, and I said, why? And he said, because I like the way that you dealt with the kids. That was a sticky situation, and you were very generous to both of them, or you worked out something really well between the two kids. Now, that makes me feel good because it's something specific.

Yeah. So there's a skill in giving praise or criticism. It's important to be very specific, not to say you're a jerk or you're terrific, but to be specific. So that's one very quick communication skill. But I would go ahead and you don't want your words to be phony. That's important, too. But I would go ahead and look if you need some time just to grieve the ending of the relationship. That's fine. You take a little time off.

But then, Josh, I would go ahead and learn some communication skills. There are books on my website. There's a book, Couple Skills, Making Your Relationship Work, which is a decent book. And you can go to my website, drkenner.com, and that should give you some good information to have the skills to meet new people and to have a successful romantic relationship. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. The ability to compromise is essential when you become parents. The significant responsibility of caring for children throughout their growing years requires that partners have excellent communication skills, including methods of fairly dividing up child-rearing responsibilities.

Otherwise, misunderstandings grow, small slights ignite large fires, and the soulmate relationship perishes. Wall Street Journal writer Sue Schellenbarger reported on this phenomena in a 2004 article titled, And Baby Makes Stress, Why Kids Are a Growing Obstacle to Marital Bliss.

Three reasons cited included debt, overspending on the baby, confusion over roles, who should be the stay-at-home parent and who is the breadwinner, and the inability of partners to talk without fighting. You can download Chapter 1 for free at drkenner.com. And you can buy the book at Amazon.com.