The Hidden Cost of Trying to Be Enough — Beneath The Surface
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At the core of all this striving, at the base of all of this tension, there is a belief and a fear. And it sounds like this. As I am right now, I am not enough. That is the fear that drives everything. The striving to prove your worth, the pressure to perform, the tension in your chest before the talk, the need to do something exceptional. It is that unspoken fear that if we stop striving, we'll lose everything.

This is a core illusion most of us inherit. I have to earn my place here. What if in trying so hard to succeed, to impress, belong, and become something more, you've actually drifted away from the one thing that actually gives your life clarity, joy, freedom, and peace? This is a conversation about what happens when we build our lives around an identity, even a successful, high-achieving, well-liked one, and start to realize that identity has become a cage.

It's about the tension that arises when your worth depends on outcomes, approval, or performance. It's about the exhaustion that comes from constantly trying to be something. And it's also about that quiet fear that if you stopped striving, stopped hustling, stopped inexhaustibly working, everything, everything would fall apart.

Most of us are never ever taught that freedom, the true freedom we long for, that joy, that connection, that creativity, that presence, it's not at the end of more achievement. It's underneath and lives under the striving, in the space we rarely enter, in the self we rarely allow.

This, this conversation, it's a path back to that space. We're going to explore why your peace can't depend on performance, why freedom doesn't live in conditional mindsets, and how letting go of false identities, even at great risk, is what makes room for real connection and aliveness. Now, I want to be clear at the beginning of this. This isn't about giving up your ambition or lowering your standards. It's about connecting to something deeper, to the real source of your strength.

Now, I am not giving you answers on this because I don't believe I can. But what I want to do, and I hope this does, is I want to open up just a little crack that lets in a little bit of light that sends you down your own exploration into these ideas. Welcome to Beneath the Surface. I'm Sean Delaney. This series is a space where I bring you the ideas I'm sitting with most.

The ones I can't let go of. The ones I return to again and again in my own life. And the ones that show up constantly in the conversations behind closed doors with high performers, creatives, leaders, and people who are on the path like you, not just to do more, but to feel more alive while doing it.

Now, these episodes aren't about giving you another strategy or chasing another version of success. They're about going a level deeper, getting quiet enough to hear what's underneath the noise and remembering what actually matters. So if you're looking for a place to slow down, think deeply, and reconnect to the part of you that most of the world forgets to speak to, you're in the right place. Let's begin. Let's go beneath the surface.

No matter how much we achieve or accomplish or try to improve, there's still this quiet voice underneath all of it asking, am I enough? And for a lot of us, especially the high performers, the people who have big dreams and aspirations, or people who are just deeply driven, we've built our entire lives around this idea that we have to earn our worth. We even have to earn our rest, earn our peace, earn love.

But what did that mindset, the one that has helped get us so far, and believe me, it does in the world of high performance,

but it's also the very thing keeping you from the kind of freedom that you're actually craving. So this episode is about the hidden cost of trying to be enough. Now, I'm not going to give you a list of tips or hacks. This is not about self-improvement. This is an invitation to slow down and take an honest look at the story you've been living inside and what might be possible if you stop trying to become someone else and started living from the truth of who you already are.

So let's go back to something I said in the beginning. I think most of us grew up believing, most likely subconsciously, even if no one ever said it out loud, that in order to feel okay, in order to feel free, in order to feel loved, in order to feel complete, we have to earn it. We have to prove it.

It's the idea that we need to get into that right school, get the right job, fix the things about ourselves that aren't quite there yet. And then if we do, maybe, maybe we are finally going to feel like we've made it, like we've arrived. When we've arrived, we'll feel safe and we can finally be. And finally, we'll have that internal freedom and finally feel loved by ourself and others.

There is one damaging belief underneath all of it, and it is, once I do enough, I'll finally be enough. Let me say that again. Once I do enough, I'll finally be enough. Who's felt that? We're taught that if we do enough, we'll finally feel at peace with who we are, and then we can finally, truly begin living.

We're taught to do our way into a sense of being. And when I say being, I mean that quiet, grounded feeling of enoughness. But here's the thing that's become really freaking clear to me. That model doesn't work. It doesn't matter how much you achieve. That piece never actually arrives. It's horizontal. Because the model is backwards. You're not going to find your being through endless doing. The only thing at the end of the road of endless striving is the desire for more striving.

So being needs to be the place you start from. Now being, it's that calm, steady part of you that's always there beneath the striving and relentless hustling. You've already experienced being, even if you haven't called it that. You've felt it. You felt it in those rare moments when you're fully present in a conversation and you're not thinking about what to say next. You're just there.

or when you're out on a hike in nature and your mind just becomes quiet. Not because you're trying to meditate or be still, but because something deeper took over. You felt it while you're creating, while you're writing, while you're painting, while you're building, while you're playing, while you're doing a podcast and you lose yourself in the process.

It's that feeling when time slows down and you're completely in what you're doing. You're not thinking about how it looks, not wondering if you're doing it right. You're just in it. That is being. It's not a mystical state. It's your natural state when the pressure to perform drops.

Let's say that one again. It's your natural state when the pressure to perform drops. That is a mic drop for a lot of you. Think about that. Embody that space. It's that inner space where you feel most steady, real, and present. The part of you that isn't trying to impress or improve or control anything. It's the place where inspired, truthful action naturally flows.

where your actions, they aren't just chasing status or validation or trying to control the outcome. You're just effortlessly expressing yourself. There's a line by Eckhart Tolle that I really like, and he says, you are already complete when you realize that there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do. Now, for me as a parent, this example shows up very vividly when my kids have come to me in the past.

and they want to play something, and I am just shaking my head thinking, man, are you kidding me? This is so stupid. Can we play something else? Now, I know all the parents know exactly what I'm talking about. You're tired. You're exhausted. You want nothing to do with the game or the idea of a concept they've come up with. It's that space where we've got our own expectation of what would be fun or what we should be doing, but what we do when we drop the script and we just enter the moment

One image that's coming to my mind is my kids wanted to play a ninja game where they dressed up and pretended to be ninjas and there was bad guys all over the house. And so I resisted it. You know, I was tired. I exhausted. And then finally I said, you know what? Yeah, let me enter this moment.

And so all of a sudden I'm going full Bruce Lee, you know, hi-yah, throwing kicks and punches all over the house. And I'm just freaking in it. I'm not running the script or the story about I'm a well-adjusted adult with the responsibilities and stresses and pressures. And I'm just in the moment. And guess what? 30 minutes go by like a flash.

Now, I know this is an extremely silly example, but I hope it illuminates, especially for the parents, how this can show up in our life. And I don't want you to think it only shows up in big moments, in the flow states, in the big games of life. It shows up everywhere and it can be everywhere. I was able to be in that moment because I dropped the identity of being an adult who is serious and knows what life is all about and wants to articulate it on a podcast. That's what I want to emphasize.

Being doesn't just show up in peak moments. It shows up in the everyday if you're willing to drop the identity and meet the moment. Being is our gateway to joy. Now think, have you ever felt yourself in that space at all today? At all? Even for a brief moment? Now what if as a little gift for yourself, you just decide right now, in this moment, to take a deep breath in

and just settle into that space of being right now. Now think about carrying that level of awareness where you can take a breath and settle into that state of being.

And you start stringing along moments like that throughout the day. That, that little entry point, that little crack that's letting in a little bit of light, that's the beginning of freedom. Because when you drop the idea of identity, even for just a moment, you're free to just be in the moment, to create, to connect, to parent, to lead, to speak, not to prove anything, but to express what's already true in you. I hope you felt that one.

expressing what's true in you. Not the conditional mindset that I need to do in order to be, but by being, my best doing is done. This is so important because these types of conditional mindsets, they don't just affect how we see ourselves. They shape how we love, how we connect, how we relate to others.

You see, doing is conditional. It's built on cause and effect. Most of us are operating from a framework of, if I do this, I'll get that. That's how most of us are wired to operate. And we do this even in relationships. If I show up the way you want me to, I'll get love. If I keep achieving, I'll stay valuable to you. If I meet your expectations, then I won't be left.

But that is not love. That's performance. That's a transactional connection. Now, this is the painful part. We don't just receive love this way. We often give it that way too, even if we don't mean to. But real connection, real, real, deep connection is unconditional, where nothing has to be different for the moment to feel real and safe and true. And this, that space is where being lives. Let that sit in for a second.

You feel the deepest connection with others when you have the unconditional version of acceptance.

Now, when I'm talking about the unconditional version of acceptance, some thoughts come to mind. It's when your spouse comes home from work and says they lost their job and they have no freaking idea how you're going to pay the mortgage. And you just give them a hug and you say you love them and it's okay and you're going to figure it out. It's that kind of unconditional acceptance when your kid lets up a home run in the bottom of the ninth and his team loses the championship game because of his pitch.

And while everyone is melting down, including him, you go up, you give him a hug, you tell him how proud of him you are and it's okay. It's that kind of acceptance when your best friend admits to you they are a raging alcoholic and their life is in a spiral. And you show up at their front door and you tell them no matter what happens, you're here for them. It's that kind of acceptance that every single person on this planet craves, but so few get or give.

We are all searching for the same thing, a place where we belong, a place where we matter, a place where we are seen and loved unconditionally. It's the kind of presence where nothing has to be different for it to feel safe and real. I do not think this is some soft idea. I truly believe this is one of the most powerful forces in the world. The problem is, though, so few people get that kind of love, and even fewer give it especially to themselves. But imagine, I want you to imagine just for a minute,

What would change in your life if you started meeting the people you love from that place? Not with judgment, not with standards or expectations, just presence, just being. And maybe even harder, imagine, imagine if you started meeting yourself that way. I know, it's a lot, but I want to get underneath all of this.

None of this is easy. And I'm hoping this is bringing out some emotions or some thoughts. Because as the author of Serpent Leadership, Robert Greenleaf observed, he says, Awareness is not a giver of solace. It is just the opposite. It is a disturber and an awakener. These ideas should disturb, but they should also awaken.

Because it is freaking hard to drop the performance. It's hard to stop trying to prove. It's hard to live without the safety net of being enough in someone else's eyes. So let's name the root of it. At the core, at the core of all this striving, at the base of all of this tension, there is a belief and a fear. And it sounds like this. As I am right now, I am not enough. Listen to that. As I am right now, I am not enough.

That is the fear that drives everything, the striving to prove your worth, the pressure to perform, the tension in your chest before the talk, the need to do something exceptional before you can feel. It's the fear that drives the identities we cling to, the roles we perform, the expectations we create. It is that unspoken fear that if we stop striving, we'll lose everything.

This is a core illusion most of us inherit. I have to earn my place here. I have to become something better, stronger, more impressive. And when I do, then I'll be okay.

And underneath that belief is that even quieter fear, the fear that if I stop striving, I'll lose my value. And with it, connection, love, safety, you know, like the raw version of that is if I stop performing, I'll be seen for who I truly am. And that won't be enough. We are not staying at the surface in this conversation. We are going to the depths here. We are getting to the root.

Now, you can spend your life trying to prune the branches, but you'll never have lasting changes in your life until you uncover the roots. These are the roots.

Now we strive because we're terrified that without striving, no one will choose us, no one will see us, and we are going to be unloved. And biologically, for social species like humans, being unloved means death. So the fear feels existential because it is. I mean, this is fucking primal, right? The thought of this hits a deep, deep chord. So if you've ever felt that I can't slow down, I can't stop, I have to keep pushing,

You are not broken. You are not weak. You are wired for belonging. And you're afraid of losing it. That fear is real. But what I want to explore is what happens when we stop letting that fear run the show. And I'm sure plenty of you are thinking and pushing back like Sean,

But what if living like this, what happens if I actually lose something? What if I stop performing, stop being the version of myself that impresses people and my spouse pulls away or my boss stops valuing me or I lose the relationship, the job, the safety, the stability? I get it. That is not a small fear. For a lot of people, that is the exact reason you are on the hamster wheel, never stopping moving your legs and keep striving.

We're scared that if we stop, if we drop the identity, the image we've built, everything will feel and fall apart and just feel terrible. This is the hard truth. And within this truth, there's also a deeper liberation. And that is, yes, everything might fall apart. Some people in your life may withdraw, disconnect, or stop valuing you when you stop performing the version of yourself they are attached to.

Not because you failed, but because they weren't in relationship with you. They were in relationship with your identity. And when the identity drops, the illusion of connection drops too. And that freaking hurts. It can feel like rejection. It's even abandonment. But actually, it's clarity. You know, a very freaking hard day for your ego might be an absolute liberator of your soul.

If someone only values you for how you make them feel, for what you do, how well you perform, or how you help maintain their story, that is not love. That's a contract. It's this silent contract that says, stay as the version of you I admire or need, or I'm freaking out of here. That is not love. That's approval. And approval is fragile. Love is not.

So yes, when you stop performing, you might lose some approval. You may need to grief the fact that you've been loved for what you do more than who you are, that you shaped parts of yourself to fit inside someone else's approval, that some people might never be able to meet you in unconditional presence. This is heartbreak, and it's also freedom. Because once you stop waiting to be fully seen by those who can't, you can start choosing people who can.

Because you won't lose real love because real love doesn't leave when the mask comes off. Real love doesn't require performance. Now this path, living from being instead of striving, like I said, is not easy. There's this great spiritual teacher. He said the search for reality is the most dangerous of all undertakings for it destroys the world in which you live.

This path, it goes against everything our culture teaches us. It might cost you things. It might cost you relationships. But what it gives you in return is freedom and awareness. The awareness of living by these scripts is your first step to freedom. It makes me think of the great line by Carl Jung. It's a really profound line. He says, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will guide your life and you will call his fate.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will guide your life, and you will call it fate. Right now, what we're doing is we are making the unconscious story you've spent your life living under conscious. And to live this way, to release the identities you've used for safety or validation, this takes something more than just a mindset shift. It requires trust. Not the trust that everything will go as planned. Not that trust that people will stay.

Not the trust that you won't lose anything, but trust that you will be okay anyway. That even if people walk away when you stop performing, even if your old identity freaking crumbles, even if the career or the path you've been clinging to for so long no longer fits, it's trust that you, you will figure it out. That's what real trust is. Not certainty.

but self-trust. The kind that says, even if it gets messy, even if things fall apart, I trust myself to walk through it and find a way through. One of the most important quotes I've ever come across is from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. He is the playwright who wrote Faust and such a beautiful thinker. He says in Faust, when you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

That's it. That's the whole thing. He wasn't talking about arrogance. He wasn't talking about skill sets or control or status.

He was pointing to the kind of inner orientation that says, I don't know what's next, but I know who I am. And I trust that who I am is enough to face whatever is next. And when you live from that space, even in uncertainty, man, something fundamental shifts in you. You become available to life again. You are unlocked and free to meet the present moment with the full capabilities of who you are. You open up.

to creativity, to intuition, to your own unfolding. It makes me think of the philosopher Suzuki. He said, I am an artist at living. My work of art is my life. To live like this, this is an art form. It requires that you stop trying to impress and start trying to express the deepest part of you. To trust as an artist that the brush in your hand, it can do whatever that blank canvas has.

Even when things are uncertain, this trust is what allows the being to lead to doing. It's what allows real freedom to arrive, not as a concept, but as a lived experience. And when you pause and let that settle in, you know what I'm talking about. What does freedom feel like as a lived experience? The lightness, the spaciousness,

It's like a deep breath. And when you begin to live from that place, rooted in what is open to the magic of what could be, like I said, there is a shift. Your doing becomes actually more powerful, more fluid, more alive, not because you're pushing harder. This is a very intense concept, not because you are pushing harder, but because you've let go of what you were never meant to carry. If you want to fly, you have to learn to let go of what's weighing you down.

Watch anyone who's freaking flying, anyone in flow, anyone at the top of their art or their craft, and it looks effortless. It's natural. It's like, why does it look this way? Because it is. That's the paradox. When someone reaches the top of their craft, I don't care if it's sports, art, leadership, parenting, anything else. It's not because they've gripped tighter. It's because they've let go.

They're not performing for the future or expectations or from fear. They're pouring everything into the present moment. Their presence is so full, their efforts so free that they begin to move in rhythm with something beyond control. That's flow. That's genius. Think about the people you've been around that you've been most drawn to, that you've been most changed by in a positive way. And I bet you're thinking, they were fully there.

When they act, they're not acting out of fear or doubt or confusion. They're not acting from the survival mind that wants to analyze and predict and protect. No, no, no. They're living from the creative mind. You know, the inspired mind, the being mind, the being that wants to be here. It wants to play, to explore, to create, to express. And that kind of expression only comes when you're no longer afraid of what happens next. Think about that.

That kind of expression only comes when you're no longer afraid of what happens next. Because where there's fear, when you're fearing about what happens next, there's contraction, there's constriction. You've crimped your hose, which you call your life energy, and life energy can't flow when you're restricted. I know this is a radical idea that your greatest power doesn't come from pushing harder. It comes from total acceptance of this moment while bringing your full presence. Hmm.

Think about that. It comes from total acceptance of this moment while bringing your full presence to it. Because when you fully accept what's here, you're no longer resisting. Your energy is no longer fractured. You're no longer split between what is and what you wish was happening. You're fully available. And when I say fully available, I mean body, mind, spirit for whatever comes next. This is what it's all about. Full acceptance of what is with the full imagination of what could be.

You want to be fully here, fully open, anchored in the truth of this reality. But you also want to be alive with the possibility. The way I think about this is you need to be rooted in what is, but you're also open to the magic of what could be. Just imagine what could flow from your life if you start living from that place. When you meet each moment with full acceptance, you're not resisting it or grasping, but you keep your eyes, your heart, and your being open to what might emerge.

Life begins to move differently. You know, the conversations we were talking about before, they feel more alive. The work that you do, it's not about proving anymore. It's about playing. This is the highest expression of you where every interaction, every challenge, every ordinary moment becomes a creative playground. And creative playgrounds, they are always wholesome with possibility, with insight, with freedom, with lightness, with play.

You are no longer bracing against life. You are dancing with it. That is freedom. That is flow. That is what you're searching for. So here's my invitation for you. This is the space I try to live from. I want to be rooted in what is, but I also need to be open to the magic of what could be. Full presence, infinite possibility, because the version of you that feels most alive is the one that's been waiting underneath that proving all along.

Thank you guys for listening and staying with me to the end. No, but the half hour on the, on this idea and concept. So if you want to connect with me and explore some of these other ideas, head to what got you there.com. And it makes a massive difference if you share this on social. So if you stayed this long, I have a feeling there was something in this episode that impacted you. Please share it, send it to a loved one and also share on social to bring awareness. Thank you. And I want to leave you with one final thing. This is something I wrote in my notebook a few months ago.

Before I do, I arrive. Before I act, I am. Be here before you do here. If this episode resonated with you, if it stirred something, opened something up, or even challenged something, I'd love to hear about it. You can connect with me directly at whatgotyouthere.com. That's where you'll find my writing, my books, more about my executive coaching work I do with the people who want to live and lead from a deeper place.

And if this episode made you think of someone, a friend, a teammate, a partner, someone who's been in the grind and might need to hear this, send it to them. Because sometimes all it takes is a single conversation to shift the direction we're heading in. Again, it's whatgotyouthere.com. You can reach out, learn more, or just say hi. I always love hearing from people walking this path. Thanks for listening. Until next time.