AEE 2426: Build Connection By Softening Commands in English
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This is the All Ears English Podcast, Episode 2426, Build Connection by Softening Commands in English.

Welcome to the All Ears English podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection with your American host, Aubrey Carter, the IELTS whiz.

and Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, USA. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com forward slash subscribe.

In some conversations, you want to soften what you say depending on the relationship and the context. Today, we give you four options to do this elegantly in English conversations.

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Check it out. allearsenglish.com/fluenciescore. That's allearsenglish.com/fluenciescore. Hey, Aubrey, how are you today? I'm great, Lindsay. How are you? Good, good. What are we getting into on All Ears English today?

i have a question for you okay when is the last time you commanded someone to do something oh my god commanded aubrey is a really strong word for a human being maybe my dog to get him to sit and get a treat good point right you maybe give commands to your dog but not to other people so much right not really no no it's too strong yeah there are definitely words we would use instead and things we do instead right you know we'll request we'll ask maybe even tell we'll tell someone to do something yeah

Or add kind of a strengthening word like firmly requested, right? Yes, absolutely. This is interesting. This episode was inspired by the title of an episode you and Michelle recorded. When I saw this title, it was 2416. The title was Long Story Short, Make Sure You Don't Bore Your Friends in English. And I was kind of

fascinated by this because it's really interesting to think about what would be different if it were just don't bore your friends in English. Yeah, that's really change. That is a really interesting, really interesting. I mean, I think by adding make sure it makes it a little bit bossier, right? A little harsher. Is that right? Do you think I would say the opposite? Oh,

Yeah, exactly. Because when we're adding make sure, you'd have to sit and think about it a second, right? I was interested. I'm like, okay. Because often, sometimes we'll try to make

title shorter yeah this was intentionally longer because if you just say don't bore your friends in english sure we could say this but it is harsher there's a different tone don't bore your friend it's a little more indirect yeah and it implies that maybe they're currently boring their friends and they shouldn't be right right if we say make sure that means not that we're saying you're doing it now just be sure you don't it just takes

one step back in terms of directness, right? We step one step back. We've talked about how different use of grammar can move us back and be a little bit less direct. And this is one of the ways to do it, right? Yes. And there are a lot of phrases we use to do this in English and we use them all the time. So I'm excited to dive into these today. Okay.

I'm excited. But first, I want to make sure that we say a big thank you and a shout out to our listeners who left us a review in the Android app. Aubrey, by the way, what is the app all about? The iOS Android app? Yes. If you guys have not downloaded the app, you are missing out. It is a free app to download, and it's the best way to listen to the All Ears English podcast.

So this is really the best way to, you know, add vocabulary to a list, follow along in the transcripts for premium users. But even if you just have the free version of the app, you can search in our archive. You can search keywords and for old episodes, which is difficult to do on most podcast players. Yeah, it really is all about being able to search for any episode you need.

See those transcripts, tap on words, save them in your personal power list. So I want to say a special shout out to Karima Damani. Thank you. This person left us a review on May 6th, 2025. Special shout out to, let's see.

Masood KH and a special shout out to, I'm having a hard time, Adelan Saf. So thank you so much, guys. Go leave us a review in the Android or iOS app or wherever you listen to the show.

Yes, we try to shout out everyone who leaves us a review. We are grateful for these reviews. It helps other people find the show. And it's just a great thank you to us, right? To give us our flowers for doing the podcast. Yeah, it really, we do this with a lot of heart because we want to help you guys. We believe that the philosophy of connection, not perfection means something deep and we want people to know about it, right? But once in a while, we need to hear from you and know that it's working well, all right?

it is nice so if you haven't left a review definitely go and do it and it's also a great place to leave questions that give us a good specific question that we can answer in a future episode love it love it all right let's go into it so let's talk more about make sure make sure yes exactly so again we just add this to soften a command or a request

so if for example i ask someone to water my plants while i'm on vacation oh yeah i might say oh make sure to water the plants every day i don't think i would be like water the plants every day because they're doing a favor i'm going to try to soften that you wouldn't even write that right you sometimes i remember when i was a kid and we would get like a house sitter to come and take care of the plants and the pets the uh the cats um

Even my mom would not have even written water the plants every day. It's way too direct. Exactly. We try to be polite, especially with requests, especially if we're asking a favor. Yeah. You could say, please water the plants every day. And maybe that's one of these ways of cat helps to just add please. Right. But there are so many other chunks like make sure that we use. Yeah. You might also say like, we need to make sure he understands the instructions. And this is another way we use this. Like, you know,

there are so many sort of more direct ways of saying this needs to happen. Yes. This is a very polite, indirect way to say it. Yes. I love it. Do we need to know anything grammar wise here, Aubrey? Do we need to make any notes? For each of these, we're going to give you a quick little grammar note because one of them works differently. So this one and the next couple, we say make sure and then an infinitive, like that first example, make sure to water the plants or

or we can say make sure and that's followed by a subject and verb, like the second example. Make sure he understands. Those are the two ways that we use this chunk. Yeah, so if we're going to use these chunks, we do need to pay attention to grammar, right? They're not just idioms. They're in conjunction with different grammar prepositions and ways of forming the verb. Okay, good. Yes. Right. So this next one, the grammar works the same. You can follow it with an infinitive or subject verb is be sure.

Very similar, right? Be sure to pay the medical bill on time. It means the same as make sure. Yeah. For me, be sure feels a little bit more polite, more, I don't know, accommodating for some reason, softer. But they're very similar. I can see that. Yeah. Because make sure almost has this tiny bit of implication that you think they'll forget. They won't do it. And be sure is, it's a little more, yeah, I agree. It doesn't really have that. Interesting. Or how about this one? He wants to be sure they feel welcome. Okay.

Yeah. And this is interesting where there's very subtle nuances between these. Because if we say he wants to make sure they feel welcome, that feels more active. He's doing something to make sure they feel welcome. Yeah. And then be sure just kind of feels like he is maybe sort of concerned about it. Oh, he wants to be sure they feel welcome. Interesting. Very subtle. Okay.

Okay. And the next one is be careful. Okay. So this is interesting. So be careful to avoid spilling your coffee. So be careful to do X. Is that right? Exactly. Same grammar for this. Be careful plus an infinitive. Be careful to avoid. Be careful to go early. Or it can be followed by a subject and verb. You could say, be careful she doesn't deceive you, for example. Right? Okay.

And this is interesting, slightly different from be sure and make sure. This is a little bit of a warning. Good to know. Okay. Excellent. All right. Good stuff. I have learned after so many years as an entrepreneur that speed matters when it comes to hiring, but so does quality. You need the most qualified person on your team fast. Stop struggling to get your job posts seen on other job sites.

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- Okay, Aubrey, last one. We have a fourth and it is try. How does this one work?

Yes, and this one the grammar is slightly different. So let's give some examples and then we'll share how the grammar is different. So for example, you might say try to arrive on time. We need to start right at 7:00 and in this instance, it's very interchangeable. It's very similar to these other make sure be sure try to arrive on time. Mm-hmm. Try to arrive on time. We need to start right at 7:00 or my skin is so dry. I need to try drinking more water. Okay.

Okay. Yes. And this is where the grammar is different. Only for this one, we can follow it with a gerund. So we say, I need to try drinking more water, this noun phrase. So this is the grammar note. You can have try followed by an infinitive like these others, or try followed by a gerund, a verb that acts as a noun. Try doing something. Interesting. Okay. Good to know. All right. What else, Aubrey? What else? Yeah. So this one's really interesting. We want to point out this

very native natural thing we do. We use it to one-up someone. What does that mean to one-up someone, Lindsay? Oh, you know it when you're around someone that's a one-upper, right? It's a very distinct personality trait. When people, you know, you say you've done something great. Maybe you're proud of something, but they just have to one-up you. They have to say they've done something better. They've done something better.

Or it might even be worse. You say something awful that's happening and they share something even worse happening to them. Right. So here's some examples. Let's say someone is saying they can't sleep past eight. That's me. And then they answer, we'll try waking up at 5 a.m. every day. You'll be thankful you can sleep until eight. Right. So I'm like, you sleep till eight. That's amazing. I wake up at 5 a.m. every day. Yeah. Or someone saying there aren't a lot of good restaurants where they live.

Right. And then a one-upper would say, what, Aubrey? They might say, you should try living in my hometown. Only one diner in the whole town. Right. So here we have try followed by a gerund. Try waking up at five. Try living where I lived. And this is often how we see this used is to exaggerate how much worse or better your situation is.

Yeah, that's fascinating. We should do another episode on the one-upper personality. I agree. It would be interesting to think about some other ways people one-up, other phrases they use, and talk more about how this can really kill a connection. Ooh.

It can be really frustrating to be around a one-upper. So hit follow. We'll do a whole episode about one-upping. Yeah. I think people get really triggered by one-uppers. It's something in us that gets really triggered, you know, or discouraged. And every now and then I find myself doing it. And I'm like, yeah. Well, especially when you're around a one-upper, right? It's like, you know, they trigger that. It brings it out of us. Yeah, it does. Okay. We're coming back to that, guys. It's a great connection piece. Hit follow on the show.

Okay, let's do a role play here. Yes, this is gonna be interesting. I am staying at a VRBO that you own. Okay, I'll start. Yes. Are there any special instructions I need? Yes, the building has a noise ordinance quiet hours start at 10. So try to keep the noise level down at night. Okay, thanks. No problem. Oh,

Also, be careful to keep track of the keys. There's a $50 replacement fee if one is lost. Good to know. What about checking out? Anything I need to know? Well, be sure to check out by 10 and make sure to lock it when you leave. Ooh, 10 is kind of early for an Airbnb.

I have ours in Rocky Point, it's 10. And it is rough. It's like, come on. Because they need to clean and then someone else is checking in at 4, right? That's really, yeah, for sure. Okay. So typical conversation, right? You can see why you need all of these. Because in a conversation like this where you're needing to get a lot of, you know, directives, a lot of requests or instructions, you wouldn't want to say the same one over and over. Do this, do this. Or make sure to do this, make sure to do that. You need...

Right. And the owner. So in my case, I didn't want to be too rude. Right. So I am using these indirect ways of sort of framing or buffering what I'm saying. Exactly. If you look through this without them, if Lindsay just said, keep the noise level down at night. Yeah. Keep track of the keys. Lock it when you leave. It would be rude. So.

So you might say that to your teenagers, if they're like taking over, like, you know, that's different, right? You can give them orders a little bit. Right. Um, but if it's, I'm a professional here and you're a client, so you wouldn't do that.

Okay. So very often we use these, yeah, to soften, to be more polite, more respectful. So you first said quiet hours start at 10. So try to keep the noise level down. So this is that first use of try followed by an infinitive. Yes. Excellent. And then you said, okay, thanks. No problem. And then I said, also be careful to keep track of the keys. And again, I didn't say also keep track of the keys. That would be harsh for this.

back and forth. Right? Exactly right. Be careful to keep track of the keys. It's so much more polite. And then you said, be sure to check out by 10. Yeah. So, right, to just really say it more blunt and harsh, check out by 10. Yeah.

You know, we want to avoid that. We add one of these to something. That would be really harsh. Yeah, that would be. Yeah. And then you said, I said, and make sure to lock it when you leave instead of and lock it when you leave. Now, it wouldn't be grammatically incorrect to say and lock it when you leave. It's grammatically correct, Aubrey.

Right? Exactly. Right. These all would be grammatically correct. It's all about the tone, whether it's a little harsher, a little more blunt, right? We are softening in order to be respectful and polite. And to connect. I mean, that's our takeaway for today. It's all about connection on this show. And we want to show you the different levels of nuance and how to do it. So when you decide who you're talking to, you decide if you want to add these or not, or maybe not use them if you want to be more clear or more blunt.

Yes, and this really is what's pushing you to those higher levels, C1. When you, because I know I do this still in French and Spanish, I will accidentally be too blunt because I don't always have the vocabulary to soften things. So this is really pushing you to those higher skills to be aware of and start doing this. Getting into that C1 level to be more precise. That is one of the hallmarks of our C1 course, become more precise, right?

Love it. All right, Aubrey. Thanks for hanging out today, guys. Don't forget to go on over and leave us a review for the show wherever you listen. Spotify, Apple, Android, iOS app. Leave us a review and we'll try to call your name out on the show. Okay? Yes. Awesome. Thanks for those reviews, guys. All right. Have a great day. You too, Aubrey. Talk soon. Bye. Bye.

Thanks for listening to All Ears English. Would you like to know your English level? Take our two-minute quiz. Go to allearsenglish.com forward slash fluency score. And if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.