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cover of episode The Science Behind Lasting Relationships with Logan Ury

The Science Behind Lasting Relationships with Logan Ury

2021/11/17
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All the Hacks with Chris Hutchins

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Logan Ury: 本书探讨如何将行为科学应用于约会和人际关系决策。通过了解认知偏差和盲点,例如损失厌恶,我们可以做出更明智的选择,避免孤独终老。现代约会是一种相对较新的现象,它与过去包办婚姻的模式形成鲜明对比,对人们寻找伴侣的方式产生了深远的影响。研究表明,拥有伴侣的人通常在收入、幸福感、健康和寿命方面都更好。她将行为科学与约会和人际关系相结合,帮助人们克服认知偏差,做出更好的约会选择。她提出了三种约会倾向:浪漫化者、最大化者和犹豫者,分别具有不同的不切实际的期望,阻碍他们找到合适的伴侣。她认为“唯一真爱”和“灵魂伴侣”的概念有害,因为它让人们轻易放弃本来不错的关系。从最大化者转变为满足者的方法包括:评估决策的重要性,设定时间限制,关注对决策的感受而非完美程度,设定标准并坚持。Gottman夫妇的研究表明,成功的伴侣关系的关键在于积极回应彼此的“示好”(bids),这决定了长期关系的幸福程度。积极回应伴侣的“示好”是可学习的技能,虽然性格会影响回应的倾向,但刻意练习可以提高回应的积极性,从而提升关系质量。不要过度追求“一见钟情”,而应关注伴侣的性格和长处,以及他们是否能带给你积极的感受。人们应该将寻找伴侣的目标从“舞会约会”(追求短暂激情)转变为“人生伴侣”(追求长期稳定的关系),关注伴侣的可靠性和长远发展。维持长期关系需要持续的努力,避免“幸福永远”的误区,并积极采取措施维护关系。保持关系长久的方法包括:定期沟通,制定关系契约,以及适应彼此的变化。拥有“其他重要的人”(OSOs)可以减轻伴侣关系的压力,并使伴侣关系更健康。她通过举办书籍晚宴,利用“义务者”倾向,克服拖延,完成了著作。 Chris Hutchins: 主要就Logan Ury提出的观点进行提问和讨论,并分享自身经验。

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Logan Ury discusses the bold title of her book, 'How To Not Die Alone', and how it reflects the importance of avoiding loss and the reality that many people are frustrated by their inability to find a partner.

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#29: Bestselling author and relationship expert Logan Ury joins Chris to discuss the science behind successful relationships. They discuss how to build relationships that last a lifetime, how to apply relationship science to professional relationships, and how to make sure you have a fulfilling marriage once you find a partner that is right for you. 

Logan Ury (@loganury)) is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach and the author of the bestselling book How to Not Die Alone). She is also the director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge. Previously, she ran Google’s behavioral science team (The Irrational Lab). 

“Love is natural, but dating is not” - Logan Ury

Full show notes available at: https://allthehacks.com/lasting-relationships-logan-ury/)

 

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Resources Mentioned

Connect with Logan Ury: Website) | Twitter) | Instagram)

Logan Ury’s Book: How to Not Die Alone)

Find your dating tendency: Quiz)

Relationship contract: Google Doc Template)

Notable relationship researchers: Eli Finkel) | Dr. John and Julie Gottman)

Friendship in the age of loneliness by Adam Smiley Poswolsky: Book )

 

Full Show Notes

(00:14) Who Is Logan Ury?

(01:32) Why She Titled Her Book “How To Not Die Alone”

(02:38) Does Being in a Relationship Improve Your Life According to Research?

(03:13) Why Logan Ury Went From Behavioral Scientist to Dating Coach

(04:33) Dating Is a Relatively New Phenomenon, How Does That Affect Us?

(05:50) Do Arranged Marriages and Set-Ups Work?

(08:54) Does Having More Options Make Dating Harder?

(11:00) Why the Idea of ‘The One’ or Having a Soul Mate Is a Harmful Idea

(12:02) How to Transition From a Maximizer to a Satisficer Personality in Dating

(14:08) The Three Dating Tendencies (Which One Are You?)

(17:59) Why Don’t We Ever Learn About How to Date Better?

(19:40) Which Couples Are Most Likely to Break Up (According to Relationship Scientists)

(22:42) Can You Learn to Have More Successful Relationships?

(24:23) Four Ways Relationship Science Can Level Up Your Professional Relationships

(29:13) Why You Should Stop Searching for a ‘Spark’

(31:44) Looking for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date

(34:13) Why You Need a Relationship Contract (And Other Hacks for Married Couples)

(39:40) Why You Should Have Other Significant Others

(44:10) How Logan Ury Wrote Her Book and Overcame Procrastination

(46:30) Should You Write a Book?

(48:09) Logan’s Goals for 2022

(49:25) What Does Logan Ury Think of Dating Apps?

(50:59) How Can You Make Friends as an Adult?

(53:18) How to Connect With Logan Ury

 

Connect with All the Hacks

All the Hacks: Newsletter) | Website) | Membership) | Email)

Chris Hutchins: Twitter) | Instagram) | Website) | LinkedIn)

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