728. The Art of Fighting: How To Navigate Healthy Conflict In Your Relationship
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Welcome to the Almost 30 Podcast. I'm Lindsay. And I'm Krista. And we're your hosts, guides, and friends on this path. Almost 30 is not about your age. It's about the feeling. All of us are almost something, seeking community and resources to support the rumblings of transformation within us. Our conversations are deep dives, shepherded by our insatiable curiosity and desire for connection, enduring inspiration, and a sense of levity that we can all benefit from.

We're looking to find the magic in the human experience. Buckle up, baby. Your evolution is waiting. Hello and welcome to Almost 30 Podcast. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. It's Lindsay and Krista coming to you from New York.

and LA. Good to have you. Good to have you. I sat front row at a comedy show and got roasted, toasted, blasted. And this lady was like, what do you do? And I'm like, I have a podcast. And she's like, okay, what's it about? And I was like, spirituality and wellness. She's like, you didn't say that super spiritual. I'm like, okay. But then she's like, what's it called? And I was like, it's called Almost 30. She's like, I'm going to do Almost 32. And I'm like,

And then she's like, I'm actually going to do almost 40. And I'm like, lady, if you think I haven't heard that joke for eight years of my life, I don't even know what we're doing here. Dude, roasting the audience and doing like the audience bit is so risky. So risky. You know, you have to be so fucking good. Like I've seen comedians like that is the best part of their set. And then others you're like,

And Kay, like that's not... I was like, I had to like talk to my friend who I went with. I'm like, I need you to process with me because am I being sensitive or it wasn't like I cared that much, but I was also like, I don't think I'm a good person to roast because it's almost good for like the quirky, silly, like kind of funny. I don't know. I'm just like, yeah, this is what I do.

I don't know. You clearly have a mother wound. Honestly. No, honestly. She was like, oh, do you study? She's like, have you ever studied Kabbalah? Or she's like, what do you, have you studied Kabbalah? What is it? And I was like, it's like Jewish mysticism. And she's like, um, and then someone was like, David, someone yelled David Giam's name. And I was like, yeah, he's a friend. She's like, I hate LA. He's a friend. And I'm like,

What do you want? It was just so weird. But basically, that's what I wanted to say about Almost 30. Welcome, everybody. We're so glad you're here on the show. We have a solo episode today with Lindsay and I, which is some of my favorite conversations. And we're going to be talking about how to fight well because...

When we're looking at having deep, intimate relationships with people and we want to have deep, intimate friendships where we feel seen, heard, and valued, it's not just about navigating the good times. It's not just about the laughs or the LOLs. It's very much about working through conflict and it's very much about how to fight well.

And I don't think many of us have been taught how to fight well. I know for me in my life, I never was shown how to fight well. I didn't really know how to fight well, probably until Lindsay came into my life. And now it's been just such a deep aspect of the relationships I have in my life and having real, meaningful, sovereign relationships with people that are not codependent, that are true and that are honest and that are in it for the long haul. Yeah, I think we both had kind of that

lack of modeling in our childhood. And then I think we both also had different and interesting ways in which we would fight. Oh, what do you want to say about that? No, I think like, well, I was just thinking about it. Let's say yours and let's say mine. So I think my usual flavor depends on the person. Some people like set me off or trigger me more than others. And I get like kind of reactive and rude.

But most of the time I am more of like, I swallow it and I don't actually say what's true and I don't actually say how I feel and I don't actually engage in a quote unquote conflict because for me, a lot of times it feels unsafe is the only word I can think of. And what I mean by that is

I don't feel as though both people are conscious of what's actually happening. So I don't feel safe to actually share how I feel. So that's been my default, not really engaging in conflict. Yeah, it's interesting the two sides too, because I think a lot of people can relate to that where it's like, I'm either...

like a viper and I'm like so mad or I'm so, or I'm a total doormat and I'm like holding back, not saying anything. Um, I think my style might be the, I'd say maybe the same, you know, I, I definitely had relationships with people where maybe it was more of a power dynamic thing where I saw them as more powerful or I saw them as more, um,

more, I don't know, maybe I needed the attachment to them or I needed that relationship or something, or I felt like I wasn't as good as they were. And then I would just give them the power and sort of go along with whatever they were saying. I can remember some conflicts for sure with people that essentially people in my life that scared me a little bit, you know, we're kind of pretty intense. And so when we would get into conflict, I would just completely do anything to keep the peace and to keep things okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I was going to say like on that piece, it's like so dependent on the specific dynamic between you and the other person. You know, it's like I could be kind of like the powerful one, quote unquote, in a dynamic and like completely dominate in the fight. Or I could feel like this other person is so quick on their feet. They say like all the things that are just zingers and I can't even get a word in and I'm just going to fall back. So it's like

Yeah, it's so dependent. And I've, I think so much of, you know, my work in this with my intimate relationships has been like not abandoning myself, even if my quote style of it is different than the other person's. Maybe I'm not going to go do the barrage of like all the things I want to say, but maybe I hold my own in the energy.

and the embodiment of the moment in the moment. I mean, barrages like abuse. Like I don't, that's like, you know, I was thinking about Love is Blind and Hannah and Nick, this couple on there. And

And honestly, watching it, I was actually, I had to fast forward because it was almost abusive in the way that she would barrage him and the way that she would just continue to go faster and faster and faster and say more and more and more. And when you're in a fight conflict situation, both of you are not always super regulated. So you need to give people time to process and think about what they're saying. And especially if you don't want to hurt someone's feelings, like you need to give someone time to process. So

It's almost like the barrage for me feels like abuse. And I think the people that I've had in my life that are very, like, not very... Yeah, that are very kind of quick in that way and sort of pointed and direct. And almost it makes me feel like I'm being cornered. It's not my favorite. You know, it's not my favorite. And I can't say that... I think now I'm very good at these conversations. I can't say that I'm perfect. I think I had a conversation in the last year with a friend where...

I felt myself getting a little dysregulated because it felt like one of those conversations where nothing is being brought up and then everything is being brought up in the one conversation. And so you're feeling like, and I think a lot of men in my life have felt like this,

where you bring up 100 things instead of just focusing on one. You did this, you did that, you did this, you aren't doing that. And then you feel completely overwhelmed and completely out of your own window of capacity. And I think when I felt outside of my window of capacity by hearing so many things that I had essentially done wrong, that really sent me off because that's a part of me that feels like I'm never doing enough. And that never enoughness is like just so deep within me. But

now that you and I have been able to have these conversations, other people in our lives, it's like so nice because it's not a thing as much anymore. You can kind of clear quickly, um, in a way that feels, feels really good. And I was even saying this the other day, um, to someone, I was like, you know, when you and I have these conversations, it's not like fun, but it's just, it never feels like bad. It's never scary. I think is the feeling it's never scary. It's,

It's always open. And I wish that for all of my relationships. They're not all there, but I wish that for all of my relationships. And I don't know if it's our specific chemistry or dynamic that creates that or if it's how we've learned it together. But it would be nice, I think, if we had our connection in the way that we can make it through conflict with more people in my life. Yeah, I completely agree. And I mean...

We've had so much practice and I don't know if people have as much practice as we have had because we have our friendship and we have our business partnership and there's just so much complexity in that. And so we've been really kind of pushed into like these moments for the better, you know, and I think...

the way you described the feeling is so accurate. It's like you go into the argument or conversation knowing that you're not going to come out the other side feeling terrible or abandoned or that uneasy feeling in your stomach. It's just, you know, that

I know that I have confidence in the way in which we communicate and the way in which we listen to each other. And I think most of all, respect one another. Yeah. That I can leave those, go into the conversation knowing I'm going to leave feeling comfortable.

really, really good because every one of these has helped us to grow and grow closer. Yeah. I love that. I think one thing that we do, and we probably talk about this in the episode too, that I was thinking about this recently and I was talking to a friend about it is like, we come pretty baked and

And like, you know, we come pretty processed, pretty understanding of what's mine, what am I bringing to the table. And we process a lot prior so that it's not messy, it's not heated, it's not like unintegrated in kind of what we're bringing. But

What I'll say is that, you know, I think so much of my life was avoiding these, was not having these types of conversations, was leaving relationships because maybe there was a conversation that needed to be had and I wasn't ready. I wasn't resourced. I wasn't able. And I know I've said it before, but I just really want to hit the point home that so many people feel lonely in life. So many people feel like,

They want to be seen. They want to be loved for who they are. They want to be accepted. They want to just connect with people. And this is like a part of that. This is such a huge part of that. It's not just about you being met in your bigness and your brightness and your shininess and your deepest expression and your grandiose expression. It's about me being met in your darkness and your fear. And when you're not well, and when you're not perfect, and when you're not

all the things that we seek to be all the time. Like this is part of shadow work is doing this kind of stuff in relationship and coming home to yourself and still loving yourself. Even if you say the wrong thing, you know, I've said wrong things to you and fights. And I don't know if you, you probably have to me, I'm not sure, but it's like,

How can we love ourselves even when we're being imperfect in these things? And knowing that it's all practice. I think that's been helpful for me with us or anybody in my life. I'm like, each time I have these type of conversations, I'm like, this is good practice. It's good data. What's working? What's not? How can I do better? How can I be more loving? Like, what can I do in the future for this? And I swear, once you really like get the hang of it and like stay regulated in your body and not abandon yourself, it just becomes so much easier. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. And your relationships just become kind of what they're meant to be for you, those deep intimate relationships. Like you kind of

understand what depth actually means rather than like, oh no, we're so close. We've been close forever. We know everything about each other. It's like, no, do you know one another in those moments that are super uncomfortable, that are really, really challenging? And can you love and respect both the other person and yourself through those moments? And like that...

I think, and I honestly can count on my one hand, I think, like people in my life that I really trust to have that kind of relationship with. Yeah, I agree. And it's, you know, I've, I also think it's an act of self-care to know the people in your life that are not capable of having these conversations and not forcing them into it, not, you know, finagling them in it and not almost, um,

not abusing yourself, but, but not honoring yourself in it, that there's a lot of people that don't have the capacity for these. I think you should give everyone the chance. And if you're true, a true master of communication, you're able to really hold even someone who's unconscious, but you know, some people, not everyone's able to have this. And for me, and I think we've talked about this before, not everyone in my life is deserving of this type of level of, um,

processing and energy. This is a lot of processing. It's a lot of energy. This takes our conversation that we're having, a lot of my mental workload to really feel out what's me, what's you, what's ours. And then it's therapy time too. These are big things. So I think there's probably five people in my life that get deep, deep with this. But I do try and keep everyone in my life as...

clear as possible, you know, where it's like, Hey, this came up for me. Like, you know, that kind of clear, quick stuff with people I try and do with everyone. But yeah, the deep stuff happens with few. Yeah. Yeah. Completely. I had, maybe it was a month ago now, but

I had to have one of those hard conversations where I knew it was going to be a bit challenging. And I'd been using the superhuman activations on the regular. And I was like, you know what? On my way to this conversation, I'm actually going to pop one in. And I did the de-stress en route to a big meeting one, which actually worked really well for this conversation because

it's kind of the same type of similar type of anxiety of like, what if this doesn't work? What if, what if I fail at this? Like, what if I can't show up and be myself? What if I can't, you know, just stand my body. So all of those things, um, it really, really helped me. So I actually did it as I was walking to this conversation cause it was in person. Um, but the activations on superhuman app just wanted to shout that out because, um,

Yeah, I feel like they've been just really, really powerful anchors to visualizing that future moment, you know, that future moment in that conversation, that future moment when I do reach that goal, that future moment of peace, of pleasure and peace.

You know, at first I was a little skeptical to be completely honest. I don't have all the time in the world or as much time as I used to. And so I was like, can I incorporate these? Are they going to be powerful? And I just committed. I was like, I'm going to do at least one a day. And I've been doing two a day and it's just really recalibrated like where I hold things.

my center on things. So just wanted to shout that out. It's been super powerful. And I know you've done them for a long time now and do them all the time. I keep getting achievement badges from them. I'm like, this is so great. I just keep getting it. It's like, you've done 400 activations. I'm just always doing them. And what I like about activations is that it's activating instead of meditating. So especially when you are wanting to have a big conversation, I'm usually in a state of...

of, of more mind and more wanting to figure it out and less wanting to be in a meditation and more wanting to be activated and kind of supported and shifting my mental state. I really love the one that they have. It's, it's a quick one and it's called expect the best case scenario. And that's always helped me with hard conversations, just taking like two minutes and listening to like just a really powerful reframe. Cause it's almost like a mix of a motivational podcast. It has cinematic music and these guided visualizations. Um,

It's hard to put into words how cool they are, but when you guys get it, it's really going to show you. And it just is something that it's like, if you want to earn more money, get your dream body, get clarity, feel regulated before a big talk, it's the perfect thing. It's going to help you reach your potential outcome so much faster. And since I've been integrating it into my routine, it's just been transformative. I start every day with the lucky girl affirmations of

Um, today I was also doing get clarity. Um, I've done align with your future self quite a bit. I'll kind of peruse and do whatever. Sometimes, uh, when I'm traveling, I'll put on the sleep ones, which is like eight hours of their activations, which is just incredible for your subconscious reprogramming. It's like,

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All right, guys, enjoy this one. Send it to friends. Send it to those people you want to practice these conversations with. This is such a good one for your relationships and your life. And we're just so grateful to bring you this type of information and content. It means the most. We love you so deeply. Thank you for being with us on this journey of almost 30 throughout the years. You are the best and we'll see you on the other side. Bye. Ah, okay. There's nothing better than just being freaking cozy. Am I right?

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Hello and welcome to an Almost 30 Podcast Solo. Hello everybody, it's Lindsay and Krista, K&L Solos, some of your faves. We're happy to be here. We're happy to hang. And we're going to be talking about how to fight well. This is such a good one. Took me a while. I honestly, I was actually reminiscing and I was in a city that I used to live in recently and there was a friend that I used to be really close with and we just had a fight and we couldn't get over it, you know, after. And I was like, gosh, it's just such a bummer.

because we didn't have the skills. Back then or now? Yeah, back then. It was like I was early 20s and I just did not have the skills to speak about how I was feeling, to understand how I was feeling, for us to navigate what we were going through. It's a bummer because I'm like, oh, we'd still be friends. It's not like I care, but it's like we would still be friends if we had the skills to communicate and fight. And it really saves your relationships when you're able to fight well. Completely. Yeah.

And I think so much of it, at least in my experience over the last few years, has been about how do I like regulate my own nervous system, my own emotions experience so that I can actually show up. Because I think my issue in the past has been whether it's like being really reactive and I'm not like a combative person. But when I'm in that heightened emotional state, it's like the feeling is so big and it doesn't,

come out in a way that I'm like really proud of, whether I say something that's a little off or I don't say what I really mean or I can't find the words or I'm crying or I'm just like blood red mad and avoid the situation. I got all of those things. I can think of situations and scenarios where I've did all of them. That one time we were on a vape trip with people. I just cried the whole time because I didn't know how to, I literally was just bawling my eyes out. I didn't have words. And then when I've like fought back,

When I've like gotten to the point where I like have yelled back, when I've avoided, when I've not had the words, when I thought of something later. Like there's so many different things that can happen when you come to that heightened nervous system state. And whether you're fighting with friends, family, or romantic relationships, it's just such a – it's actually insane because afterwards you're like, what? I just remember being like, what happened? Yeah, literally. What happened to me? Like I'm yelling. I'm like –

It's just the absolute worst of you can come out pretty much. And I think so much, you know, whether it's in our teens or 20s, like we're matching the other person. There's like kind of a weird matching going on, even if it's not your style of communication, whether it's like yelling and yelling back or silent treatment, silent treatment back. It's kind of a – I just remember not being able to –

kind of stand in my own and be the first to kind of like talk sense into the situation. Yes. I used to have, it's funny with men. I was normally like sassy, sassy, attitude-y, like very much like my way or the highway. Um, you know, in Conscious Loving by Gay Hendricks, he talks about oftentimes when couples fight, it's a race to the victim position. Um,

And so basically two couples when, or a couple, when they're fighting, they're basically fighting. And then it's like, whoever can be the biggest victim, you did the most bad things to me. You were the meanest to me. You hurt my feelings this much. That's why oftentimes people will pile on previous things because it makes them more of a victim.

And I would always have in my relationships, like someone would cheat on me or something would happen. So I would always have that card to pull. Right. So I could always be the biggest victim, no matter what was happening, if I was wrong or if I was right. It's like, if you've been cheated on or you've had something like that happen, you could always pull that victim card. So I would always be like pulling the, not always, like, you know, I felt like I was pulling the victim card a lot so that I could always sort of get out of the situation or scenario. But

In friendships, I felt like I was in more positions of less power where I would be not know what to say. I wouldn't know how to communicate. I'd almost be like mute. I didn't really know how to speak. And so it's very different, you know, in sort of my style. Yeah. There's like a paradox to fighting because...

You want to say clearly what you mean, but you also want to be able to say things imperfectly and it still be okay. Yes, totally. You know, especially with people that you are really close with love and trust. Like I don't want to have to edit myself in the moment necessarily. So long as I'm like,

as much as possible in my heart and like not throwing daggers and just fighting unfairly. Um, but I want to be able to do that and not have to worry that it's going to be held against me later. Yeah. I think that's, you know, that desire. I think everyone wants the desire to desires to be themselves in relationship, to say how they feel, to say what they mean.

And it's almost like all the work that you do outside of fighting also contributes to you having like a clear mind and heart so that if you are expressing imperfectly, it's still kind things. It's not, you know what I mean? Because when you're really in your shadow and when you're really in that reactive, like,

reptilian part of your brain, you are going to be saying things that probably are mean or cruel or whatever. But if you are meditating regularly, if you're practicing good spiritual and emotional self-care, then you will... You could say things imperfectly, but it's not going to be things that would blow the whole relationship up. But back in the day, it was like you would say, you know, call names or whatever. Like, yeah. I don't know if I called names. I probably did. Oh, yeah. I'd be like...

Let me give you one piece of advice. Don't call your man a pussy. How many men I called a pussy and how little do they enjoy that is... What would be equivalent for a woman? Bitch? You're a bitch. Probably. No, it's a little different. No, there's something interesting and unique about pussy.

that triggers an interesting part of their brain. Well, it's like the op... I think for a lot of men, it feels like the opposite of manly. Exactly. It's demasculine. It's like... It's rage. It just induces rage. So you just use it willy-nilly? Willy-nilly. I'm like, you're just a pussy. She would whisper it. I would just... Yeah, just like... I would just like look in their eyes and just be like... He'd be like, I got us bagels. I'd be like...

So what did, we can share like a little bit about our experience with like bad fighting. Like what did that look like? Just so people can kind of have an idea if they're, you know, engaging in some fights and. Yeah. So bad fighting, name calling.

The most painful for me is the stonewalling. I experienced so much stonewalling. So it oftentimes experienced in narcissistic abuse relationships where basically there's no access to any communication or conversation with someone. Usually avoidance do it. Okay. So someone with an avoidant attachment style will usually use stonewalling. I would have this all the time happen at home. It's like,

You would do something and then you just are like, nope, there's no ability, opportunity to understand, to do better, to communicate and talk about it. So you feel incredibly alone. You feel very abandoned, especially for an anxious. So stonewalling, I often experience. I didn't do much of that. But mine was more just like the volatile emotions that I would feel sort of like being set off.

having emotions that were bigger than what I feel like I could handle. In female relationships, it was often very psychic of like something feels off and I don't feel comfortable and things are happening. You're changing. I'm changing. You've talked bad about... Or like we don't feel incredibly settled and comfortable and okay. So we just kind of live in that until there's like an explosion. Yeah. Yeah. There's usually...

like a buildup. So it's like these little micro moments that build up to the actual fight or the actual blow up. And I've, I had to kind of take responsibility for that. Like in therapy a couple of years ago where I was not expressing in the moment, whether something was bothering me, whether it was my relationship with Sean or in friendships, like, and it was my own, um,

Yeah, it was my own, I won't say fault, but it was my own like pattern where I just wanted to keep things like chill, smooth. Like I would doubt myself. I would doubt my own feeling about what this person did or how I felt about whatever in the dynamic and like,

I would doubt myself so much that I would talk myself out of saying anything. For sure. Because it's also the codependency where you're like, well, then they're going to say this. Then it's going to create an awkward situation. Then we're going to be here. It's like you know you're in that pattern when you're going a bunch of steps ahead of where you actually are. Yeah. The anxious attachment was like on fire. Yeah. And I think that healthy relationship you should be able to in the moment –

be able to connect on something and not have it be, you know, end of world. Yeah. So unhealthy fighting styles looks like stonewalling, looks like name calling, looks like, um, you statements. So you did this, you did that, not taking responsibility for how you're feeling or what you're bringing into the scenario. Um, it oftentimes is that aroused nervous system state. It could be throwing things. It could be having tantrums.

It could be slamming doors. It could be using old things that happened in this fight. So if there's a situation that happened years ago, you bring it into this fight and you keep bringing up the same things over and over again into fighting scenarios to really build your case of trying to win. It looks like you trying to win and someone else trying to lose. And it also looks like...

Yeah. A lack of like empathy for the other person. It's really like you're in that protective state where you really want to protect yourself because you're in fear and you have that aroused nervous system. So you most, for the most part, really want to be winning and you really want, and you don't have any empathy for the other person. And not listening. I feel like in fighting when the other person's not listening, it's so obvious and it's just...

Yeah. It's bound to go nowhere, you know, or it's bound to kind of blow up in a way that you didn't intend. So, um, yeah, that listening piece I think is really important. And I think for the reason why we wanted to do this episode in particular was because having healthy conflict repair and being able to fight is like an essential part of having a full rich life and having intimacy within relationships, whether it's familial friend or romantic, like

We, for the most part, grew up, most of us grew up thinking that if we were fighting or if we had conflict, that love would be taken away. I even remember in high school feeling like

thinking the thought of like, if when I'm in conflict or when I'm fighting with my partner, I feel like they don't love me. And I feel like there's no more love there. And I've had to repattern and understand that sometimes conflict can be because there's so much love there, that someone cares for you, that someone wants to develop, someone wants to deepen, someone wants to

you know, explore what's here. And really it means that the relationship is worthwhile because we've all had relationships where it's like not worth it. You know, you're like, this isn't worth it. Who cares? I'm not going to fight with this person about something. I'm not going to go into dialogue with this person about something. And then we've also had relationships where we've been able to navigate conflict repair and it's made you deeper and healthier and more honest and more true. And then for the most part, we've had relationships where it doesn't work.

where we haven't been able to find a place of love, to find a place of peace, to find a place of contentment and

compassionate enough for each other to see each other's side. So it really is an essential part of our human experience and key to developing meaningful relationships in your life. Yeah. And I think it bleeds out to so many other things like learning how to fight and whether it's, you know, you could be someone who's building a business and they're going to be moments with

strangers on your path where it's not necessarily a fight, but there is kind of an energetic conflict. And so if you can approach it, um, in this heart centered, fair, clear way, um,

I just feel like most things flow from this place. So true. It's actually a good point. You know, it's almost like using strangers. I always think it's like, how can you build your window of tolerance to metabolize more conflict? So whether it's like a server that's rude, like the server that we had yesterday was so rude. Oh.

It's like, you know, kind of like holding your own, holding your center, staying peaceful, staying calm, trying to see their side, trying to see your side. It's like you can practice those in moments where there's not a high stake at all. Or a connection. Yes. Because I'm thinking about like, how's this person going to treat me next week? Exactly. So if it's someone you'll never see again, it's really good. You can kind of like work on that. What do you feel like?

influenced your fighting style? Because I think if you're looking at your fighting style, it's not something you just made up. It's something that we mentioned kind of what we saw when we were younger. I personally never saw resolution. Yes. So it was like conflict and then maybe it was resolved behind closed doors. But I think it's so important for parents especially to

If they're going to be disagreeing in front of their children, to resolve in front of their children. To see the – not the fullness of the conversation, but to see the hug at the end. To see kind of that resolution because I never learned. Like no wonder I wasn't able to –

really vision and ending to a fight, I always felt like it was the end, like the end of the relationship rather than the end of the conflict into something more beautiful in the relationship. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? It's almost like, think about us as kids, how unsafe that would feel to live your whole life, like wondering if this is going to be the end for your parents.

And I think for most of us, we didn't see conflict resolution because for most of the relationships that I saw growing up of the parents, there wasn't any resolution. It was just a consistent nag, fight, low-grade annoyance that never actually culminated into something positive.

that made peace. Like there wasn't, I didn't see any conflict resolution ever. I don't know. And so I don't think it happened behind closed doors. I don't think there was any, it just kind of continued to build over time. So yeah, I definitely didn't see conflict resolution. I didn't see much sorries or apologies. That is so important to me for some reason. I just deeply need a sorry and apology. Like I was talking to some, someone and it was like, it took like a few hours to reply. And he's like, I'm so sorry. I was like doing this thing. And I was like, you just healed me.

I was like, honestly, just even acknowledging the existence of someone else and apologizing is so huge to me. But I saw blowups. It was like, hold it in, hold it in, hold it in, blow up, freak out.

chaos in the home, like just like say everything at once. Like it was like the style that I was sort of taught was to have everything build up so that you had a list of 10 things and you had enough of a case to bring to, you know what I mean? You had enough of a case. I'm just thinking of us early on in our

in our building of almost 30, where we would have like certain interactions with people. It'd be like kind of one-off contractors. And you'd be like, do you have the list of grievance, like things that they've done wrong? Me? I'm sure. Oh, yeah. Like for a call, you know, where it's like, hey, we're going to, we're going to have to let these people go. It's smart, but now I'm understanding where it's coming from. No, it's the list of grievances. Like I just keep that, keep that tally, keep that list. Cause that's your ammo, baby. When you want to be perpetual victim, that's your ammo. Yeah.

So I saw that a lot. And then I saw, you know, on the opposite side, my dad just sort of foregoing any of his needs or any of his experience to make peace. Sure. So I saw both. You know, I saw the blow up, the unemotional regulation, zero responsibility, you know, sort of cyclone. And then I saw just like, I'll do anything to create peace in the home. Yeah. I was thinking too about other influences, like all the TV that I watched when I was younger. Like I...

I'm trying to think if there was like actual healthy and obvious conflict resolution in the shows that I was watching. Um,

And I'm curious now, because I don't really watch a ton of TV now, but like if that is something that writers are thinking about just because everyone's on therapy, like everyone's therapizing everything. So true. So I'm like, are they thinking about the influence of that? Maybe not. So true. But I think we look to whether it's the TV or the tabloids and we see kind of the fights in the public eye and kind of,

it's a little dramatic, but it definitely, I feel like as a teen, I was like into that stuff. And it had an influence on me where being with your boyfriend, like involves kind of having blowups and fighting and it's normal for sure. And it's, it would almost be like a way to reestablish connection for me. Like it would be like affirm me that they wouldn't go away. Like, I think what can happen sometimes too, from, you know, an IFS perspective, like a parts

theory is that you're in a relationship and you have these parts that almost want to test the connection because they fear or perceive that the connection is going to go away eventually. And so what they'll do is like, they'll have the blow up, they'll have the scream and they'll almost like blow it up so much that they're testing because they believe that this person is going to walk away. So they're like, might as well blow it to make it happen now. They're going to walk away or to see if they will leave.

because they want that like secure attachment, that affirmation that this person isn't going to leave. Um, so parts is like a huge aspect of fighting. I think that I has changed my life to really look at it. So when I think about using parts with fighting, what I do with people that I love or people in relationship is for the most part, when they're agitated, aggravated, they have an activated nervous system, they're having a response. It's for the most part,

I would say 100%. It is 100% of the time from my perspective apart. So a part of them has been triggered or activated. A part of them is protecting. A part of them is angry. A part of them is whatever. And we're dealing with that part and we're not dealing with that person. So that's why when you fight and when you are having issues and conflict, usually it's a part of you and it's not the actual you. Because the true you is like peaceful, regulated, loving, compassionate, kind, clear, all the things.

So when I can see that not as them, but as a part that is terrified and is doing their best to protect them and just needs love, it makes it so much easier. So I can approach it almost like a little kid where I'm like, and this is, you know, I'm saying this in the, this is my perfect scenario. This isn't what happens all the time.

But it's like, you know, what do you need? How can I acknowledge the feelings of that part? Because that part has feelings that are big right now that need to be acknowledged. There's no peace or reconciliation from my perspective in fighting unless we acknowledge how someone's feeling first.

There's usually a little child active. There's a part active. So acknowledging the feelings of that part and then you can get to know that part a little bit more because you're not going to make progress until the defensive system of that part is sort of brought down and then you can get to the truth because what's happening is usually that part's activated and it's protecting an exile or a little child. So the part is like, don't fucking get close to me. Like, I'm not going to get close to you.

I hate you, da-da-da-da. It's saying all the things, but actually it's protecting the true emotion or the exile that's like, I'm so scared you're going to leave me. Mm-hmm.

this is breaking my heart. Like I am terrified of you dumping me, of you cheating me, all the things. So when they talk about anger as a secondary emotion, I also see it. That's like a parts thing. So it's like anger is usually the front. It's on the battleground. It's like me being really mad or angry is protecting like despair or sadness or grief. So when we unblend ourselves, it can really help with fighting.

how would you, I guess, how would you like coach someone into feeling the primary emotion just so people can kind of walk through that? Yeah. So first let me express to, cause I just was, I just realized, so I expressed what it's like to view other people in their parts, but you're also in your part too. So when I'm coming to someone and I'm pissed, I'm angry, I'm activated all of the things. Um, let me think about the last time I was like pissed, angry, activated. Yeah.

it's usually a part of me that is like angry activated. So it's not my true self too. So in the way that I would be that without, there's, I need to be that with myself. So it's tending to myself like, okay, what do you need? Like, how are you feeling right now? Usually I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. This is like activating me. Like I'm feeling jealous. I'm feeling whatever the feelings are. So on the other end, how can we

source ourselves internally to support ourselves in like coming down and really, really getting past my own anger to come to my own sadness. So just as we can do that for other people, it's really like first being with the anger, validating the anger is incredibly important. I think validating whatever feeling you're having. So even if I have the worst feeling in the world, I think the meanest thing on earth, I,

the meanest thing. I have the meanest judgment. It's all okay for me. I never make it bad. I obviously choose other things, but it's like never like, oh my God, I can't believe

I can't believe I said that. Like, because that just creates less congruency in my field. So being with that first anger emotion, feeling it to its fullness, letting it be okay, allows you to get to the next one. You know, it's like a dream for people to have anger and be like, it's okay. Yes, I feel that. Like, that's totally valid. Like, that makes so much sense to me. Like, yes, and, and then going to like,

when that person is ready and when you are ready, not rushing it to the next thing. And I think what happens is people can rush things now with like the over-therapization of things. You can be like, I know that's deep underneath. You're sad about something. And it's like, when you're angry, dude, you're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, literally. Literally don't. That is actually my biggest pet peeve. Being in Los Angeles, I love everyone that I'm surrounded with, but

oftentimes I see it happening all the time where people are so far in their spiritual path that they'll be like, well, what's the lesson here? What's your thing? And it's like, when you are activated and angry, it's actually not helpful to go to the thing. When you're in it, yep. It's like, it's actually the most triggering thing. That's like when you tell a woman like,

you know, you're mad or like, you're mad or, you know, like I didn't think it was a big deal. It just takes you out of, because there's purpose in the anger. Like it's not just there. There's purpose in the anger. So to take them out of it and be like, no, there's a purpose here. Yes. Feels good.

Really unsafe? It's a different phase. Like I can't talk to you. No, 100%. It'll feel safe talking to you about this. Same. I had that with a girl one time. I had lunch with this girl and I was activated about something happened with my sister. And I was like saying something. I was so pissed. She's like, well, babe, you know, you've got to look at it like this. And I was like, yeah, I literally zipped my whole field up and was like,

Yep. Yeah, you're right. Like no more talking to you about this. And I can understand like, you know, when people get into that type of work themselves or maybe they're studying it or what have you or reading all the books, if you have the part of you that really wants to help people and fix things for people that that can be expressed in that way. And I'm totally guilty of that at times where I'm like, how do I say the right thing and fix this for them? How do I make them feel better? Right.

I feel like I've gotten a little bit better about like just holding space with very little words. And I think, you know, we underestimate the power of our presence, whether it's in an important conversation or a conflict.

So I guess we can, I mean, that was an incredible first tip. Um, just looking at the parts that are being activated. Um, I think for me, it's important to notice my body language and just kind of like, first of all, how I'm feeling in my body. You mentioned that just kind of checking in, but you know, am I facing the person? Am I totally closed off? Am I, um,

Are they sitting down and I'm standing up or vice versa? That's a good one. Are we in different rooms? Are we locking eyes face to face or, you know, are we in the car driving and looking forward? Just noticing how that could be affecting how you're connecting. I think sometimes for me, like,

Fighting eye to eye is a little confronting. Yes. We talked about this and having a clearing conversation. It's always nice to go on a walk. But if we can't go on a walk or movement or in the car and look forward, it's helpful for me to give myself permission. And maybe you even say it to the person, but it's really about giving yourself permission to

To close your eyes if you need to, breathe, feel into what's actually coming up rather than reacting to what the other person is saying. And also to maybe, I tend to like look up and to the right when I'm thinking sometimes.

That throws some people off. They think like, are you lying? What are you doing? Like what's happening? But I just have to give myself permission to do what feels safest and most grounded in the moment physically. Totally. Yeah.

So I just think the body is saying so much in those fight moments. And last thing I'll say about the body, oftentimes it'll give you the message to take a moment. You know, whether the breath is really shallow, high up in your chest, or maybe you're shaking, or maybe you can't catch a deep breath.

And that's causing anxiety. Maybe you have a headache. You can totally take a moment or many moments before you come back to this conversation. Wait until you're a bit more in your body, feeling really good. Yeah, that's, I mean, the body is so huge because basically what's happening when you are in conflict is...

is your brain is thinking, like the reptilian brain is thinking that this relationship might go away, that you're unsafe, and that you might lose connection. And for humans, connection and having that connection to tribe or community is like the baseline of why we exist. So it feels like a threat to your existence. So then your body is reacting in the way of higher cortisol, of the activated nervous system. Your pupils might dilate. Like you might get sweaty. You might get...

I remember shaking for sure at times. And so you need to regulate and be with that body. And it's really hard to have a clear mind if the body is activated. So you kind of have to be...

in relationship first with the body and breathing and peace. I like tapping is really nice for with the body, but I like thinking about your body language. I think that's, that's huge. And that can, it's like you're supporting the relationship by thinking about your body language, but you're not fully focused on the conversation. So it kind of gives you a little bit of a break. Yeah. But what I've realized too, with the eye contact and people processing, especially speaking more is like, I used to always assume that people processed in the way that I do. And I,

I actually realized that I process... I'm kind of like... I kind of will like furrow my brow and look at them. I'm like... Because I'm... Or I will look like I'm completely blank. Like when I'm really processing something that's like deeply striking me, I actually can't control. I'm like, I look like a bitch. I look like I'm blank. I look like I'm pissed. I look like I'm confused. And I think...

we oftentimes think that like, we want, we prefer people to process like smiling, noddling, like, oh yeah, that's a great point. But when people are actually processing, they're usually like blank. Like it's usually hitting them so much that their brain is controlling. So just remembering too, that like people aren't going to be looking exactly in the way that you want them to, or the way that feels the safest to you and your body. They're not going to be smiling and nodding when you're fighting. They're probably going to be

blank furrowed brow looking, thinking in a way that like for our eyes, for our reticular activating system doesn't feel safe, but like we kind of need to make sure that we're understanding that it's not always our preference of how they look. And if this is the type of fight, just last thing on body language that you feel called to, um,

touch the other person. What I mean by that is like, I just went, I just went, um, I'm thinking of more a romantic, uh, partnership conflict, uh, depends on where it is on the spectrum of intensity and all of that. But I do think there could be moments. It doesn't have to be the beginning, but maybe in the middle or towards the end where, you know, your hand on their leg, um,

Or you saying like, can I give you a hug? Or like, can we just take a moment? It sounds cheesy. I know. But I think what it does for the body is says, and the brain, it says that like, okay, we're okay. This is not resolved yet. But like, we're hopefully in the place now where we can kind of look at the problem rather than each other as the problem. Yeah.

That co-regulation of the body is so huge. Yeah. It's obviously specific and like it can't be like a full-blown like, you know, terrible fight and you feel comfortable doing that. But I do think there's opportunity. It's usually intuitive. It'll come out of the blue where you just feel called to like, you know, put your hand on their shoulder or just, you know. Touch their leg or whatever. Yeah. I think that, yeah, the touch is really good, especially for physical touch people, people that – some people I know hold hands when they fight. Yeah.

It's like holding hands like this or like holding hands on the side or just like touching the entire time. Yeah. Through, I remember in couples therapy, we held hands facing each other, you know, for things which also can be helpful because there's like a softness that brings when you are touching each other. A hundred percent.

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that's like what I lead with. You know, if someone, if I'm in a conversation with someone, it's more so about asking the questions rather than saying what I need to say. I had a clearing with a friend the other day and she was like saying something and I was like, what is like this, what's your desired solution? Like, what is it that you're wanting from this? Like, where do you want to go? What is it that you want to do? Like just trying to understand because then she can walk me through

What is it that she's looking for? What's like the issue? Where's like the rub? What's going on? Because I think oftentimes we fill in the blanks with our own stories about what they're saying. So we actually don't know what it is that they're saying, but we're like, oh, they don't want to do this with me. They don't want to hang out with me. They don't, they must not like me. They're going to abandon me, all these things. But it's like, no, what actually is going on here? What are you actually saying? What are you actually desiring? What is the outcome that you want?

What would make you feel good in this scenario? What would be your suggestion for me moving forward? What type of boundaries should we reassess in this situation? Like there's so many different questions that can support you in finding a resolution very quickly. And also it really puts the onus on the other person to be self-responsible for what they're feeling and to be really in touch with what they're feeling. Because if you're asking someone's questions and they don't really know how they're feeling, it's going to be hard to get really clear in any way. Yes.

You know, there's this psychologist that I really love and he's like, we need to figure out what to aim for. He's like, what are we aiming for in fights? Like, or when we come back from the fight, like if you say that I'm not around enough or you say that I'm not giving enough attention or you feel like I'm not X, Y, and Z, like, where is it that you want me to aim? And if you're not clear on that, then I can't really...

hit it. So like in conflict, it doesn't have to happen the first conversation, but it's like having clarity on like what looks like good, better or best, maybe after the scenario, what looks like a true resolution or what looks like a way to prevent it moving forward very clearly so that both parties can agree on what to do. Yeah. Cause I guess a lot of the time we're just

we're moving from the heightened emotion and we're not actually like tactically clear about what it could look like. Yes. And oftentimes I've had the experience with Sean where like, I don't know what it looks like, but I know what it feels like. Yes, totally. You know, but he wants to know what it looks like so he can do the thing. And I think men, especially like

want to know what they can do like tactically, logically to make this situation better. And I'm just like, it's a feeling, bro. And it's, it's been a great practice and exercise for me to get clear before having those conversations where it's like, okay, what do I really want? Yeah. I feel like a lot of times with women though, it's an attunement.

It's an emotional, energetic attunement that we desire that we can't really explain where we know when our man is connected to us or attuned to us. And it's like, I can't really explain it to you, but it just, you feel it. Totally. It's hard. Or if we can identify when we feel a little bit of a break in that attunement. Yeah, that's a good one. Like if work is really stressful, you know, and their mind is like all there and it's like,

Yep. You know, there's life outside of that. Yep. Love that. Okay. We mentioned the you statements and the bad fighting, but really use the I statements. And I think, you know, leading with questions is incredibly powerful and leading with I statements. So like, you know, I've been feeling just like,

Really sad that we haven't connected in the way that I feel like we used to. I feel like I am, you know, seeking a lot more attention from you and it feels, it doesn't feel like myself. Like it doesn't feel like a give and take, like a really reciprocal connection.

situation right now and just really owning your experience, like not pointing fingers, not saying, you know, you did this and you did this and you made me feel this way. So yeah, it's simple. We've heard it before, but I think it bears repeating because it can be very easy to just start a fight with blaming. Yeah. I will flip it in my head. I'm like, okay, how can I take, what is it that I'm feeling? It's always like, you just kind of do that practice. And so to like

how am I feeling? How am I? I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling whatever. And then my mind will go, they were doing this. They were doing that. It's like, okay, I was feeling like this because I perceive that, you know what I mean? It's like you have to do like a dance in your head to really recreate the scenarios in a way where you're taking full responsibility or where you're

seeing it from a perspective that you can share with someone rather than them. So it honestly is like a mindset practice of doing that. And I think when you're saying, I'm feeling disconnected because I feel like we normally connect in this way and you're kind of explaining that, it also invites the other person in to help you. When you're saying, I'm feeling this way because of this, it's like, oh, how could I help that person?

But if you're saying you are doing this, you are doing that, then it's like defensive already and you're really not going to get anywhere. And I think that was probably the victim thing was huge. I think that was the second biggest thing that I did in fighting in many years ago. I'm so much better now, but it's like,

the, um, you thing, you know, the you thing. And I don't think many of us learned the skills of the eye, um, for a long time. And oftentimes the you thing is projection. You know, you're projecting, you're like, you're being this, you're being that, and you're actually just project projecting. So that's why it's even more powerful when you can be in the eye. Cause then you can check on your projections. And it just feels like a safer conversation because it's

You know that the other person is taking responsibility for their own experience. You're taking responsibility for your own experience. And it's just, it's like a cleaner interaction. I think psychically, I get very overwhelmed if it's like blame. You did this because then I'm thinking about that. Did I do that? I don't, you know, like I made them feel, I didn't have any awareness, but I also want to share how I feel. You know, it's, it's such a,

It's chaotic. Yeah. Yeah, because they're... Yeah, I also want them to know they did this. You know, you're already in that. And when someone says you did something, I have to run it through my filter where I'm like, did I do that? Okay, I'm going to take responsibility for that. But then you also want to... You always want to find something. Yeah, what do you feel... I feel like this has been a topic at one point or another around like, okay, taking responsibility for something you did, but not having awareness that it had that effect. And obviously... Yeah.

you know, intention is different. Yeah. That's a hard one because, you know, I had some, I had a situation with a friend and she was like, and it's funny because she said this, she's like, I didn't, I misunderstood the impact that it would have. And it, it was actually something I had done previously. And I was like, I misunderstood the impact it would have. And I said that, and then she said it to me in this scenario. And I was like, I don't like that statement.

Cause I actually don't feel like that's taking responsibility. Exactly. Yeah. And I said it first. So it was my fault. Cause I said it first, but then she said it back in another scenario. I was like, Oh, I don't like that. It's almost just like, no, I'm so sorry. The intention and impact thing. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, I think it's first and foremost owning. Yeah. But I also think like sharing kind of your feeling and kind of like

thought process behind it, if there was a thought process, is helpful to get to know someone. I don't want to like not take responsibility in explaining it, but maybe that's my part, the part of me that like feels misunderstood and wants to be understood. Of course. Where you're like, I just want to explain...

Why did that? Oh, I would want to know. I wasn't hurting. I didn't mean to hurt you. Yeah, I would want to know too, though. You know. And someone you're in a relationship with should want to know why you. They should like help me understand what you were thinking. But I think like with the intention impacting, it's like it's so nuanced of how it's done. Yes.

Right. You can't start with that. You have to start with owning it. Yes. Yes. I think it's always just, and that's when you do meditation and you do ego work, you actually don't care. You can own anything. Yeah. You know, the meme I posted the other day was Keanu Reeves. And he was saying, I'm at the point now where if someone says 1.1 or one plus one equals five, I'm like, yep, you're right. Have fun. And it's just like, okay. Like, you know, when you have no ego, you can take responsibility for, yeah. I'm like, well, I'm so sorry that hurt you. Like,

That's not my intention, you know, and obviously being truthful. I think a big thing that people talk about, Jay Shetty talks about this too, is really focusing on the resolution and having it be a win for both people. Having each win be compromised. And they talk a lot about this in negotiation strategies. This was in like the negotiation masterclass, talking about how real conflict resolution or real

like real negotiation is compromise on both parties. You're going to give something up. I'm going to give something up. So we both feel like we win. And I think that's where you both apologize. You both recognize what you could have done better. You both like see an opportunity for growth and really making it something where it's super safe for you to admit fault, for you to honor the other person and really just having it be the focus on you both winning and compromise rather than one of you winning. Yeah. Cause compromise, like I feel like people,

think about compromise and they're like, that doesn't feel good or I'm going to lose. You know what I mean? There's an energy to compromise. Maybe it's like old programming around compromising in a marriage or relationships and they're like feeling a type of way about it. But it feels really good to compromise. I can't describe it. It feels like a gift to the other person and you're still getting...

part of what you need to. And like the give and receive feels good. Yes. I think I'm just laughing because I think sometimes in previous relationships, it was like,

This is my trauma. It was like, you'd be like, okay, let's compromise. And then it would be a fight about the compromise. Tell me more. And then it would be like, well, that's not enough of a compromise for you. Or that's a compromise for you, but it's not a compromise for me. And then you go into the rabbit hole of the compromise. Yeah, totally. You know what I mean? I just was like, okay, let's compromise. And it's like, well, that's not. And it's just like, it was like chasing a thing. But when you're in like a normal regulated, you need to recognize that. Yeah.

You both want to win. Yeah. A hundred percent. I think being vulnerable is really important in fighting, especially if you feel comfortable and close with this person. I think being vulnerable just for me takes the temperature down a little bit where we actually settle into what this really is about. Totally. You know, so...

If you're able to take time before this conversation or even take, you know, a few moments away and just really feel into like what's coming up and also maybe what this comes from, you know, like it could be you projecting onto how your dad was with you when you were young and you're projecting it onto your husband. And being able to say that out loud, you know what I realized that

you know, you working 24 seven makes me think about my dad and how he was never around. And I'm just like overwhelmed by the thought because it did affect me when I was younger. And then they're like, they're hearing that. Yes. And they might have a million things they want to say, but I think just the understanding of like the deeper truth, the deeper truth coming up is super, super important. Then it gives them permission to

to share maybe why they're working 24 seven. You know, I have a fear of, or I was brought up to be the provider. I was, you know, I came from nothing like working is my identity, whatever it is. Yeah. I think that one's huge. It's like going first with vulnerability, I think is really big. And when you're safe enough in your own system and with yourself, it's okay to be vulnerable and like

You're like, I'm going to still love myself even if I'm vulnerable and it doesn't work out in the way that I want. Because I can remember in certain relationships in the past, just like that vulnerability was unsafe. And it just made it so hard to fight because you're like, I'm not able to be truthful because it's going to be weaponized or used against you. And it just makes...

all types of disagreements so hard. But the vulnerability is really, really huge. So going first with that, going first with the say sorry, I think is also huge too of acknowledging what you did and apologizing. It's honestly not that big of a deal and it can really support things. I think the last thing for me is giving yourself like a beat in a moment. Mm-hmm.

You know, like having the trigger happen, having the activation happen, and then having five minutes, having 10 minutes, having, you know, a few minutes, whatever it is, and respecting your person that you're with, whether friend, business partner, family, romantic, and giving them space to, to like work through a trigger. Because I think oftentimes previously it was like, especially when you're codependent,

Or an empath, you're like, you want everything to be okay so bad that you can't handle that moment of time in between when someone's activated and you want to know what's wrong and you want to fix it and you want to make peace and you want to do all these things because you're actually uncomfortable. But it's like, how can you sit with yourself and respect people to like go through their own process that it's going to be okay. You're going to talk to them and really allowing each other just a moment, allowing yourself a moment, allowing others a moment. On that point.

I think it's also important. I remember we would do this years ago when we would have our moments where we would set a time or day when we would come back together. Yeah, you and me. Yes. And that was helpful for my brain. Same. Because I'm like, then I'm not wondering when it's going to happen. Totally. Who's going to bring it up? Yes. You know, where are we going to be? Yes. You know.

all the questions that you have. So saying, Hey, over dinner tonight, can we connect on what happened this morning? Love it. You know, what's so funny is thinking about, I'm like, why does that work for us though? Because for a lot of people, they hear that and they're very triggered by that. And they're like anxious all day. Yes. And then they're anxious and thinking about it all day. For sure. I think it's different brains, but I also think we had created enough safety and security in our relationship to allow us to know that

we could do that and it was going to be okay. That, you know, because I think that activation is fear of abandonment, fear of being left, fear of you've done something wrong. I think so we had sourced ourselves enough to know that no matter what happens, I'm okay. And then also to like be okay, um,

knowing that like we're, it's okay in between because the time is set. So it might be a preference thing, but I definitely think a goal is to like have a time to set to talk about it when you're more regulated, when you're more at peace. But I do understand for most people that's really hard for them and they can't really wait. But also last thing, the reason why they can't wait is the same reason why they should wait.

So the reason why you can't wait is because you're now activated. You now have a part of you that's afraid of abandonment, that's got your nervous system activated, that your cortisol is spiking. So that same gripping fear, anxiousness is why you should wait. So being able to be with yourself through that entirety of that emotional expression of your anxiousness will support you in coming together better. Yeah, my emotional authority.

Means I should not be fighting in the moment. I really time well cuz it's just it's always a wave But waiting until you feel a little bit more neutral. I know I forgot my nose, but I'm sure because I'm I'm

I'm very chill, but when I'm not chill, I'm not chill. Yeah. Also, if you set a date and time, maybe you have a therapy session in between. Exactly. 100%. Practice. 100%. That's what helps me too is I can practice. I could be like, I'm going to say this. I'm going to say like that. You know what I mean? You can kind of like walk through because when you're practicing in your mind or in the car or with your therapist or even with another friend,

you also are like getting reps in. That's the whole thing with this last thing tip is that just remember that these are all reps. It's not perfect. You're not looking to come into the fight to say the perfect thing. They're going to say the perfect thing. You'll come to conflict resolution. A rainbow appears and everything is fine. It's to be able to get reps in with practice. Like I had a situation a few months ago and I just didn't really do a good job. Like I just was kind of like activated. I wasn't mean or rude or anything, but I just doesn't do my best. Mm-hmm.

And I was like, oh, that was like a bad rep. You know, like I'm going to have more opportunities in my life with people that I love to like have better reps. So it's not trying to be perfect, but it's trying to do better every single time to create more intimacy and more humanity. Yeah. I love that. And it's a, you know, a healthy part of relationship. Yeah. A hundred percent. Oh my gosh, you guys, this is key. Yeah.

Most people don't feel safe in their relationships because they're avoiding the conflict the whole time. And so you're not actually being yourself. You're not actually being truthful. And most people can't ride through conflict because they actually like...

that's true intimacy is being able to work through that and still love that person or still be with them. So it's the instrumental part, I think for me of working through relationships. And if you can fight well in your relationships, you know that those relationships are solid. And if you are in a relationship where the fighting, you know, is characterized by some of the, of the things that we shared toxic, toxic, but it's just, you know, you can reevaluate that relationship because it's,

life's going to life, baby. There's going to be challenges. There's going to be conflict. And so how do you navigate that? How quickly, how resilient is your relationship? Yeah. A hundred percent. Yep.

All right, guys. If you want more of this type of episode, you can listen to our episode on clearing conversations. That's really good. So that's how to have a hard conversation. This was like tips on fighting. This is how to have a hard conversation, a clearing conversation with friends and romantic partners. And then we have over 700 other episodes of Almost 30. So you can just do like Almost 30 roulette, like you said the other day. Find some of the best of the best. We have Morning Microdose, which is our Clips channel. All episodes are between 5 and 10 minutes. Add free...

free. They're so, so, so good. And then you can find us on Tik TOK and Instagram at almost 30 podcast, almost 30 podcast on YouTube. And I'm on Instagram at it's Krista and I'm at Lindsay Simsek. We love you guys. We'll see you on the next one. We love you guys. Bye. Bye.

Great job, Lindsay and Krista. Another good one. Again, send this one to a friend. This is like how you guys can learn together to be better at communication and intimacy and connection. It's just so powerful. Thank you so much for being a part of our lives and community. Thank you for making Morning Microdose so successful and listening to the Daily Dose of Inspiration every single day. It's such a free...

inspiring way to motivate you. I love Morning Microdose so much. Also subscribing, rating, and reviewing the show just means so much on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. If this was helpful for you, it means the world. And then almost30.com. We got some new things coming up. We have the Saturn return calculator for you. We have the book coming out. Just stay tuned. We love you. Thanks for listening. We'll see you on the next one. We love you. Bye, guys.

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