Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VIII
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm with Monica Padman. Hi. And Sharon Beasley. Hello. Today is wild card. It's gonna get wild. Let's see. Yep, they all delivered again. Wow.

Yeah. Do we need a trigger? Pun intended warning. It is a trigger. You're right. Because actually there might have been some abuse. Oh, potentially. And we talk about we're not sure. So but anyway, I'll just say don't eat when you're listening to this one, too, because the last story is fucking nuts. Don't masturbate while you're listening to this one, because it might make you go crazy. Well, OK. All right. Please enjoy wild card.

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Hello. How are you guys? Good. Is this Jordan? Jordan is my husband. I'm using his account. My name is Gabby. Oh, wonderful. I have a niece named Gabby and I love her. She's a real spitfire. Is it short for Gabrielle? Gabrielle with an A at the end.

And where are you? Indianapolis, Indiana. You just had the Indy 500? We did. And what happens in town when that show arrives? Can you feel it everywhere or only around the track? Only around the track, maybe downtown, but out in the suburbs, you're not really feeling too much. Because this is an enormous group of people, right? I want to say like 500,000 people spectate that. Oh, yeah. They were sold out this year. How many people can that house?

Rob will look it up. 300,000? Is that way too much? No. The Coca-Cola 400, well, it's not even called that anymore, but in North Carolina, that race I went to, they had 250,000 people. 350,000 attendees. Wow. 350. Wow. Yeah. Okay. But do you go? You don't go. My parents go. They have the grandfathered tickets, but it's just not my thing. I think it's really cool that they go super fast left. Yeah.

So you're wild card. So anything could be on the table. My story takes place when I was about 14 years old.

I was a freshman in high school and I was taking a jewelry class. On this particular day, we had a substitute teacher and I remember that she wasn't really like an art sub. So she came in, took attendance and basically left us to our own devices. I had a necklace project due within that week and I was almost finished. All I needed was some light buffing. So I head over to the Dremel tool station for a quick polish and I realized that I have forgotten the hair tie and I have very long hair at the time, like almost touching my butt. Like

The class had one major rule. If you had long hair, you had to tie your hair back because we're using power tools. We're using fire, you know, safety first. There's certain tools, like if you're using a belt sander and your hair gets like, not only is it going to get your hair in there, it's going to pull your face directly into the thing that's dangerous. Yes, definitely not that big. It was a small normal tool, but I start buffing away, trying to be quick and careful and

And someone in the class calls my name and I whip my head around. And the next thing I know, I can feel the Dremel grip some of my hair and yank. So I instantly jerk the tool away from my head and the Dremel takes a clump of my hair with it. I'm sitting there stunned. And one of my classmates gasps and the entire classroom looks at me.

And the sub, who was probably in for way more than she bargained for, takes me straight to the nurse's office. Now, at this point, I haven't seen the damage. I haven't touched it. I'm still filled with adrenaline, so I'm not feeling any pain. Did you even look at the Dremel to see how big of a chunk of hair was around the Dremel? Honestly, I was just so like, is this even happening that I don't really remember the nurse taking me to the office. I don't remember it actually happening. It was just such a blur until they gave me two Advils and an ice pack.

Okay. So the nurses call my sister to the office because she was a junior at the time and my mom who worked just down the road. My sister shows up first, totally confused because she has no idea why she was even called. And the nurses tell her that there was a small accident and that I lost a chunk of hair about the size of a half dollar and then sends her in.

Not being adequately prepared for what she was about to witness, I lift the ice pack from my head and there's a bald spot about the size of my palm. No way. The size of your palm? Yeah, right in the front. Oh my God. Right where you wouldn't want it. So I want to say that I was holding it together pretty good up until that point. But when she started freaking out, I mean, I lost it and I just started bawling.

Yeah, was there not a ton of blood? There was not. So it was only kind of like prickly with blood from the individual hair plugs, but it wasn't filled with blood or anything. What's lucky is that you could imagine that you would tear off all the skin it was attached to because there's so much hair.

I will get to that. Oh, okay. So my mom arrives, she takes one looks at me and has a very similar reaction, you know, like great poker faces in this family. Eventually the assistant principal comes in and they tell me that I need to go home and that I need to stay home for a couple of days. If the spot turns purple or starts swelling, that means I have to go to the hospital immediately. It means that my scalp has disconnected from my skull.

And the empty spaces started to fill up with blood and I would need immediate surgery. Wow. Did they look that up on the computer? Maybe they knew this about these tools and the hair. I imagine they had this prepared because if they're telling us to bring hair ties, they understand the possibilities of what could be happening. I'm surprised they don't make you do a hairnet. Maybe now. This was almost 15 years ago. But thankfully, none of that ever happened. I

I stayed home for two days and I went back to school and everything was fine. Ish. Yes. My consolation prize was a handwritten laminated note that said I could wear a hat for the rest of the school year, which was very special because hats were against my high school stress code. Yeah. We had a protest at my school over hats. Really? It was ridiculous. Like, welcome to the white suburbs. But yeah, there was a walkout that was scheduled and it was about hats. Wow.

And we were all outside and I joined just because no one else was in school. I was kind of opposed to it. Oh, you were? Yeah, it just seemed like a ridiculous thing to protest. But it's also autonomy, which you like. I would have loved to have worn a hat. It just felt like this is what we're protesting over? Oh, wow. Okay. So when I was out there and the big gaggle of people was just after the 90210 episode had aired where they kicked out Tori Spelling from having drank at prom.

They weren't going to let her graduate. Donna Martin graduates. So I started chanting, Donna Martin graduates. And I will say almost everyone joined in. And that made the whole thing worthwhile. The best part of the whole thing was the original teacher came back. She put my clump of hair in a Ziploc bag and thumbtacked it to the corkboard in her classroom. Kind of like a weird, slightly horrifying cautionary tale for anybody with long hair.

That was the right move. Like, this is what no hair tie equals. This is a classic Final Destination plot line. Right? You know, Final Destination. I don't. Oh, my God. I'm totally out at sea right now. Wow. What does that mean? It's a movie...

series where basically all these people die in crazy ways. Like the tanning bed closes on them and then they set fries them. The lumber truck where all the wood falls off on the highway. See, yes. Every time I'm behind anything where a truck has stuff hanging out, I move lanes. Immediately move. Your hair thing could have easily been a whole final destination. Sucked her whole head off. Yeah. I feel like if I didn't pull...

pull it away, which essentially was pulling all of my hair out, it could have been way worse. Like if the Dremel came towards my face. Well, it would have. It would have wound its way up to your skull and then that thing would have been spinning against your skull and ripping all the hair out. Yeah, it would have been like a chainsaw. Perfect for a 14-year-old to experience. Absolutely. Oh, Lord. I'm glad you got to wear hats. How long did it take for that to grow back? I had some stunted hair growth for a couple of years. It would grow...

maybe an inch or two, and then it would just stop. Were you panicked? That for life? Yes, but I also have a lot of hair, so I just parted my hair on the other side, and it was pretty much fine. What a good attitude. Great attitude. Yeah, admirable attitude. You rarely hear a nice toot, but that's a nice toot. Yeah, it is. Lesson learned. Always put your hair back if you're using...

Absolutely anything. Anyone in the audience that's about to use a Dremel or any power tool. Also, being a substitute teacher has got to be one of the worst things ever because everyone's so disrespectful. That's a good prompt. Oh, substitute teacher, write it down, Wob. Yeah, because that could either be there was one or you are one. We had teachers written down, but I'll add substitutes. Substitute is so specific because you don't know what you're doing. I hate to say this to offend them, but you're a babysitter for the day because you don't know what the fuck they're... You can't teach. No. Yeah.

I'm sure she thought she was just going to come, maybe put on her headphones, get a little bit of work done. And now she's taking this poor girl with a bald spot to the nurse's office. And she's probably like, fuck, I bet the normal teacher would have not allowed her. She probably took on that responsibility. If you had final destination, she would have been feeling a lot of guilt. Yes, yes.

Well, Gabby, it's delightful to meet you. Thank you so much. My husband is actually the one who introduced me to your show. Is it okay if I go grab him real fast? Of course. Give him one of your ear pods so he can hear us. I will. Absolutely. Why can't I remember earbud? Because you want to say earbuds. And that's what it is. It's an ear pod. Air pod. Air pod or ear bud. Yeah. And I'm mixing them. Or a headphone. I'm smashing. I'm conflating. No, not conflating.

You're doing a portmanteau. Portmanteau. Portmanteau. That's when two words come together, I think. Oh, wow. I love when you speak French. There's a baby. There's a mix. Oh, my goodness. That's a cute baby.

A lot of hair. No wonder. This is in keeping. This is my husband, Jordan, and my daughter, Amelia. Hi, Jordan. Great to meet you. And you, Amelia. Is she about 10 months old? She's four. Four months? Four months old. Oh, fuck, dude. I thought you were saying four years old, and I was about to have a real panic. She is four months. She looks like when I started with Delta. She's that size. Big cheeks.

Jordan, what brought you to the podcast? It's not normal that the husband introduces the wife. I'm from Gary, Indiana originally, and I have about a two and a half hour drive. And my mother was going through cancer treatments.

And I stumbled across you guys and been listening ever since. Oh, that's so nice. I've been to Gary many, many times. You must know Sturgis, Michigan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time you guys bring up Michigan, I'm like, yeah, the proper place up north. I'm technically from Indiana, but I like to try to pretend I'm from Michigan. Oh, good. We'd love to have you, Jordan. Thank you. Well, it's so nice meeting you and your family. Thanks so much. Yeah, this is great. All right, tell Gabby we said thank you. Bye. Bye.

I can't with Amelia. She was so cute. She was. And she's just hanging out. When you're four months old, you just hang out. Wherever they lift you up and carry you, that's where you're at. You're just squish. Yeah. Gosh. You're pudding.

Hi, is this Kristen? Yes. You're in a little person's room. I have two little people, one's five and one's three. They're both girls. And does five-year-old sleep on the upper bunk there? No, actually, she's kind of afraid of the top bunk. So her sister sleeps on the top and then the five-year-old sleeps on the bottom and she has a slide. I was just going to ask, does she depart every morning from bed by going down the slide? Yes. Or she jumps over. You see this

chair right here? Of course, yeah. So jump from there onto the chair. She's my kind of gal. I'd love to start my day by sliding down a slide. Yeah, that's so fun. I should figure that out. Add a little playfulness to the start of the day. Just a little shot of adrenaline to wake you up. In what state are you in or country? Would you like to guess? I feel like you're Midwest. I feel like you're Southern. No. No.

I'll give you a hint. I've met you before at Sprouts. In Texas or in Tennessee? In Texas. Oh, okay. You're in Texas. So, Monty, you were right. I'm a little right, yeah. Right-ish. Yeah, about 30 minutes outside of Dallas in a town called LaVon. Okay, wonderful. And that whole area has really exploded, right? The whole metropolitan Dallas area? Yes. My husband works in Rockwall, and it's crazy. Do you hate it or love it? I'm sure it's brought in new restaurants and stuff. I love it.

because he's a barber and he owns his own business. So lots of hair that needs to be cut. Well, tell him from barber to barber, I say hi. Yes. Okay, so you have a wild card story, which is our favorite. My dad is definitely the star of the story. I love dads. Yes, he is amazing. His birthday is actually tomorrow. Oh, wonderful. The story takes place in Rowlett, Texas. It's about two towns over from me now. The year is 2006.

I am 16 years old and our normal morning routine would be that my dad would wake up at six o'clock. His alarm clock would go off and it's so insanely loud. And it was always on 930.

92.5, the classic rock station. Oh, good for him. I like him. So I would hear his alarm clock going off, but I would just stay asleep and he would come in and wake me up at about 630. I'd get ready. We'd be off to bed or off to school. That's what Monica does. Wake up and then off to bed. Yeah.

Yeah. You love to paint a lazy picture. I know. I just made that joke when we were looking at your house two seconds ago. I'm doing what I can with what I got. So on this one particular day, my dad woke up and he just had this weird feeling and he felt like he needed to go look out the front door. So it's 615 in the morning.

And he goes and looks out the top of the door. We had like one of those little half windows. And he sees a man walking up our driveway in the dark. It's completely pitch black.

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So he's confused, like, what is this guy doing? And then about halfway up the driveway, the guy starts to turn and goes toward my bedroom window, which is in the front of the house. So I had just moved bedrooms into my sister's bedroom because my dad made these really cool shelves. So he turns on the light.

And the guy runs away. He then kind of tries to act like everything's normal. And he comes and he just wakes me up and I get ready for school. Can I pause you for one second? I want to have a little debate with Monica. Okay. So I would definitely go outside and see what's happening. Yay or nay? You know, I'm going to say nay. You're going to say nay. I understand why you should, but for me, maybe you took care of it by just scaring him. Yeah. So to add more chaos, like why? Okay, great. My dad,

is normally like you, Dax. There have been times where there was a guy following my sister home and my sister called him and was like, what should I do? And my dad said, you need to come home. Drive right here. Normally people would tell you to like drive to a police station, but no. So this guy's following my sister. My dad is outside in his underwear with a shotgun. Yeah. Sure, sure. He built his own shelves. I get it. For some reason, he felt like you, Monica. Then I just go to school and he didn't tell me anything. He didn't say anything.

He waited until I got home from school. Him and my mom sat me down and he's like, I really didn't want you to be distracted at school. So I didn't tell you this morning. Then he tells me what happened. And I...

I'm completely shocked. I am running through my head. Has he seen me like dancing, getting ready for school? He's obviously some weirdo watching me get dressed. He's probably seen a lot of tank top layering at that time. So much tank top layering at that time. He says, also, I've looked in the flower bed.

in front of our house and there's like a part where grass is not growing. It's like a perfect size for two grown men's feet.

He has been watching me for a very long time. This is very you. The show. The show. Can I make a request? From now on in the order, I want you to say, this is very much like the show you. I can't promise that. Not you, then the show. I can't promise it. We were talking for quite a while before I realized, oh, there's a beagle on the ground behind her. Did you think it was a stuffed animal?

I thought it was immediately a beagle. And I thought, oh, what a calm beagle. Yeah, I've seen him. And then you moved your head enough. And I was like, oh, we got a second beagle on the bed back there. Oh, my God. Did you see that beagle? No, I did not see that one. I'm now kind of expecting I'm going to discover six or seven more beagles in this room. Oh, my God. It's like a magic eye. Yes, yes. They start popping out. Yeah, where's Waldo? That.

is Lady and that's Ninja. There's only two of them. Okay. You can probably hear this one snoring. I could hear that a little bit, yeah. Yeah, he snores really bad. They know that I'm nervous so they wouldn't let me in here by myself. That's so sweet. So cute. So they sit me down and they tell me this has been going on. It's kind of

Kind of fuzzy a little bit from that point, just because I was trying to absorb all of this information. So my dad's like, we're going to call the police and we're going to report this. So the police come. What I remember my dad asking the police officer is, can I put a bear trap in my front yard?

Literally, before you said that sentence, I was like, God, I wish it wasn't illegal to bury a bear trap under some mulch. Then you got him. How does it work, a bear trap? You step on the center and these jaws snap shut and they go into your leg and then that's on a chain. So you can't go anywhere unless you want to cut your leg off. Oh my God, Ryan.

Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. You just said that. That's exactly what I was thinking about. I kind of knew that you would be on the same page because you're so very much like my dad. The cop said, no, sorry. Unfortunately, you can't do that because then all of the animals and children in the neighborhood are at risk.

There was another, I'm not going to go down this rabbit hole, but there was another time that he did booby trap the backyard. Okay, yeah. The police officer said, no, sorry, you can't do that. But can you give us a description? So my dad is giving the description. And it's a very, very short man, probably like 5'1". And he says he has the same facial hair as our next door neighbor. We need you to talk to him. So the police arrived.

and they talk to both of our neighbors on both sides. They come back and they say, that guy's really weird. He wouldn't look us in the eyes. His wife answered all the questions. Oh, no.

And he was super shady, but without knowing exactly who he is, we can't just arrest him. They're like, we'll patrol your neighborhood every morning at this time. So my dad then takes me to Walmart to get black curtains because we had realized that there was an inch on the side of my blinds that you could see through. He also nailed every window in our house shut, then put a fire bat

next to each window just in case the house caught on fire. We could still get out. Oh, smart. Okay. I love this. About a month goes by and the police call and they say, we caught him. Oh. We need you to come to the police station. My dad goes without me. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see him. Spoiler alert, it was the next door neighbor.

He lived so close to us that we couldn't file a restraining order. In the state of Texas, though, you can have an order that basically says, if you come on my property, I can do whatever. Stand your ground law kind of thing. How had they caught him? Did they catch him at your house or someone else's? So they tell my dad he was doing the same thing to a girl down the street. He's been watching her through her bathroom window.

And it's like one of those like frosted windows. So he thinks that she can't see him. And this girl who is in high school pretends not to see him, kind of walks close to the window and with her bare fist, she's like,

through the window. What? And hits him in the face. He is bleeding. Good for her. Her dad comes out and apprehends him. They call the police, everything. It's insane. Is she a long haul truck driver now? I don't know. Diesel mechanic? My mom asked me, she was like, do you want to go meet her and like be friends with her and talk to her? Form a support group. And

And I was like, I'm kind of scared of her. Right. What if I get on her bad side and she beats me up or something? But that's how he got caught. Wow.

How old was he? He had to have been in his 30s. Okay, so not that old. It's hard for you to know when you're that age. Yeah. What happened to him? I know that he's on a registry. I think that he had to deal with some legal ramifications. We didn't have to really deal with him for much longer because the girl down the street, her family, made it really hard for him to live there. They put a sign in his yard.

Oh, boy. A little vigilante justice happening. Yeah, so he moved very quickly. Oh, his wife. She feels like she has to defend him, kind of. Oh, this is awful. Yeah, like, what? Your husband is leaving at 6 o'clock every morning and then coming back. And do you think she knows? She was asleep. She was a heavy sleeper. He was sneaking out. No, she knew, but she didn't want to know. I mean, I wonder even if he had, like, a schedule with the girls in the neighborhood. Like, she wakes up at this time and she wakes up, you know? Yeah.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm sorry that that happened in your neighborhood. I'm really sorry that that happened. I wonder where he went. And did he do it again to a new neighborhood? What I would be thinking if I were you from the second your parents told you that, I would be so distracted with literally trying to go through every single thing I've ever done in my bedroom. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's all I could think. I think that that's for the long time why everything was so fuzzy is because that's all I could think of. The innumerable weird things we do in our bedroom by ourselves. Exactly. That's kind of universal, I think, is to act weird in your bedroom. Ew, God. Well, thank you for telling us that story. Of course. Thank you for listening.

you for listening it's wonderful to meet you a second time and now to chat for much longer and tell the beagles they did a really good job definitely it's so good to see you guys and it's really really great to meet you monica i love you so much oh thank you i might need to get a beagle now you've really sold them they're really pretty great lady can tell when you're nervous sick or pregnant oh

She's predicted some pregnancies. Yeah, Lola used to do that, sit on Kristen's belly all the time. Yeah, they have powers. All right, well, much love to you and have a great summer. Thank you. Okay, take care.

Those dogs were so calm and nice. Those are not like my dogs. I know. I've been looking at dogs on the street, seeing which ones I like, which ones I don't. Okay. There was one the other day I liked, really fluffy. So you're looking for something maybe more fluffy? Big, fluffy, but can be mean. You need a doodle. But can also be soft.

No, they're not mean enough. Well, they bark like crazy. I know Aaron's dogs. If you come to the door, they go bananas. That's really all you need, I think. I guess that's true. I'm looking for more of a wolf type. Husky? Yeah, I like husky. Did you see Maru put up a sign with no animals allowed in? Oh!

That's a big change. They used to be an animal establishment. There's probably a hundred fights. I hated the dogs in the line. Remember? Yeah. I was eating at Mustard Seed yesterday at the end of my bike ride. And yeah, this dude comes and he's got a pit bull. And then this chick comes with like a boxer pit bull. And then they're fighting. And they're like barking at each other. And then the woman's dog literally pulls her into the street. And I'm like, you can't have a dog that you can't control. I know. And I was just like, get them away from the door. See, this is how I feel. Huh?

Hi. Hi. What name should we say for you? I'm going to go with Taylor. Taylor because of Taylor Swift? You got it, Monica. I knew you would. I love it. Taylor, where are you in the country? I'm also going to keep that anonymous. These are great starts. Fake name and fake location and a wild card. Let us have it. I am going to give away that you have great hair.

Oh, Monica, thank you. These are heatless overnight curls. I've been telling everyone about it. I've been hearing about this and this looks great. I'm going to give it a whirl. I like my curls with a little heat. You're like you to damage your hair a little bit. Okay, so I actually originally submitted my story to the foreign body in a rectum category. Oh, hell yes. Okay, great. I was employing some artistic skills.

Licensing. That's what I was going for. Yeah. But Emma's like, you know what? Let's just go ahead and do it on the wild card. Wonderful. I am a nurse. I work in the emergency department. Wait, have you watched The Pit? Of course, Monica. Yes. Thank you. It's not actually of course. Most. You'd be shocked that a lot of people haven't watched it yet. In the medical community. I loved it. Such a good show. Very accurate on most accounts. All right.

So I work in the level two trauma center in the emergency department. We get all the good stuff. So the traumas, strokes, STEMIs, if it's a big deal, it's coming to us. Remind us of the levels. Level one, two, three. I think there might be a four. One is the highest. You have to be like,

a teaching hospital to be level one. You have to have all the specialties like hand surgeons. We don't have all that. So we're only a level two, but we are the highest level in our city. This was a few years ago. It was a pretty chill morning, not a whole lot going on, but we received a Pulsara, which is a secure app where the medics kind of let us know what's coming in. And this was quite a surprise. All of our jaws dropped when we saw what was coming in.

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Today is the worst day of Abby's life. The 17-year-old cradles her newborn son in her arms. They all saw how much I loved him. They didn't have to take him from me. Between 1945 and the early 1970s, families shipped their pregnant teenage daughters to maternity homes.

and force them to secretly place their babies for adoption. In hidden corners across America, it's still happening. My parents had me locked up in the godparent home against my will. They worked with them to manipulate me and to steal my son away from me. The godparent home is the brainchild of controversial preacher Jerry Falwell.

the father of the modern evangelical right and the founder of Liberty University, where powerful men emboldened by their faith determine who gets to be a parent and who must give their child away. Follow Liberty Lost on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

The chief complaint for this patient was patient masturbating with a gun and shot herself in the vagina. Oh, man. Holy fucking hell. Oh.

Holy hell. I mean, I'm weirdly not shocked and I'm shocked. In the other ones, based on what we heard, I was like, I'm surprised there's no gun ones. Yeah, there's more than sexual components going on in these situations, it seems. But vagina. Wow. Okay. I mean, with a loaded gun, that's kind of a lot. A rifle or a handgun? I was told it was a .38 revolver. Oh, wow.

Also, a loaded gun, you're obviously going to shoot it when you're orgasming. Like, you're gonna. Do you think it's going to be an accident or do you think it's going to push it that much higher? What do you mean? Like, you're about to orgasm and you're just like, you're going and you're like, I'm going to fucking fire this thing and really blast off. It's an accident mixed with that. Like, who cares? So add it on to the end of that.

believe it or not, they said a patient has a psych history. Oh, shocking. Okay. But also her vital signs were normal. You'd expect someone to be like tachycardic, hypotensive, right? High heart rate, low blood pressure. It was totally normal. So we're like, geez, is this for real? Honestly, my first thought was this is a psych patient. She's on her period and she made it the story in her head. The cramping is the pain and the bleeding, you know, I shot myself. Great guess. Works

Right. This comes in and we're all just like, this is what we do this for. Right. To hear these crazy things. Yes. On the medic side of things, the call was actually originally sent out as patient kicked a gun, accidental discharge. The dispatch is constantly sending them notes. Right. Kind of updating them what the patient's saying. Then the story totally changes and it goes to patient was on a trail and got shot. So the medic's kind of like, OK. Another tidbit. Apparently the SWAT team.

was deployed to this house about a week prior. Another note that the medic's getting and she's just like, what is going on? Then it comes out, patient was masturbating with a gun, shot herself in the vagina. And then she's like, what is going on here? Also, what will be the next update? You're seeing the pattern, the trajectory of this. Escalating. Yeah, you're like, what could be next? I got to give it up to our EMS, our medics. They're amazing. I can't imagine what they do every day going out to people's house.

They're a medical professional mixed with a police officer. It's like they're entering houses and they don't know what's on the other side of the door. Yeah, so they're telling the medic, first she was bleeding. Now the patient's saying she's not even bleeding. Then it feels like there's someone in the background kind of feeding her a story. Then the patient's not talking at all.

Then there's like whispering in the back. Who knows what you're heading into, right? So she rolls up on scene. Apparently there is a boyfriend. He's hiding in the basement. Police are on scene, thank God. But when she goes to meet the patient, the police are like, well, we don't really know where the gun is yet. It might be under the blanket with the patient. Medic's like, okay, rips off the blanket. No gun.

But also no bleeding. Patient looks fine. She's pink, warm and dry. Starts getting the vital signs. They're all her normal. She's like, do I believe the story or not? She rolls the patient. There's nothing going on on her back. She's just like, this is crazy. The patient's not really acting like she's in a ton of pain. So it's just kind of a big mystery. There also happens to be some needles spread around.

By the way, I already know she's shooting meth, not heroin. This sounds like a very meth-y, psychosexual, bizarre... Wouldn't be surprised. The only thing is, though, is she was very chill. So a lot of times people on meth are kind of jazzed up. That's a good counter. So who knows? But she decides, you know what? I need to run this as a code three trauma. I can't prove that this woman didn't do what she said she did. So she loads up the patient. She's on her way, constantly assessing the patient, looking for rigidity in the stomach. She's on her way to the hospital.

checking her vital signs, constantly rolling her over, checking her back. Still normal vital signs. And she's practically sleeping the whole way. They roll into the department. We're all just like salivating, waiting like, what's going to roll in the door here? Because we're excited to see too. We're not finding any wounds. We're hooking her up to the monitor. We're taking her vitals. They're all normal. We're just kind of looking at each other like, oh, this whole thing was BS. And is there a pelvic exam?

that's where we go to. So we check everything else. And then the doc's like, I got to do a pelvic exam. If you're telling me you shot yourself in the vagina, we got to check out your vagina. So he starts to do a pelvic exam and he did see some blood. What caught his attention, he saw what appeared to be some gunpowder.

Stop it. Gunpowder. So we're like, okay, we got to get this lady to CAT scan. Sure as shit, there is a bullet lodged in her pelvis. It went into her ilium or is she in her bone? I don't think it went into her bone. It was just kind of up in that pelvic region and definitely caused some damage there.

up in there. I would expect if you fired a .38 inside of a vagina that it would exit out the back or the front. That's crazy. Just got lodged in that squishy tissue. I know, but she did it. She unfortunately had to have a full hysterectomy. She had to have a colectomy. Oh,

She did some damage. But as far as I know, she's alive. We had some major concerns for this patient that this maybe wasn't consensual. Oh, my God. Or I can even see it starting out as kinky sensual. Yeah.

Sensual. Consensual. That's a new word. I mean, that too. Well, sensual is within the word consent. I could see them, yeah, some kinky thing and he's putting his gun in her and then he accidentally shot her. And then he's like, you got to act like you were masturbating with this. This is horrible. It's so sad. I want to not make like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But still, this is a story. We've seen a lot of things. One of my favorites was like a DIY cock ring gone wrong. A lot of foreign bodies.

Tell me about the DIY cock ring. What was used? That was like a 16 ounce plastic soda bottle. Cut the top of the ring part off and multiple ones fit over the penis. But then the end of the penis got very edematous and he couldn't get them off. Sure. It swelled. Kind of like my finger with my ring. Yes. Oh my God. So she really did it or it happened? It happened. Wow.

Wow, man. You got to wonder how many times that's happened. No wonder she's on drugs. Chicken or the egg, though. If you're sober, you might not end up in this situation. Yeah, well, I feel like it's mental health mixed with the drugs never leads to great situations. All this is bruh.

rough. Oh, wow. The idea of a gun going off in my body. But now added to while you're orgasming. I mean, that part seems interesting. Yeah. I mean, if she got there, who knows? Oh, my God. Taylor, what a story. Is this a moment where I get to fangirl?

Oh, that's really nice.

And I have to give a quick shout out to my children. They've become quite some big armchairs. My 10-year-old daughter, she's obsessed with Armchair Anonymous specifically. That's all she'll listen to in the car. Is it appropriate for a 10-year-old? I don't know, but you know what? We're learning a lot about life together. That's right. And it's a lot of fun. Life is complicated. They need to learn. This is real life stuff, right? She's either going to learn it on the playground. She's going to learn it from you guys. Yeah.

They're learning about the world they live in. And I don't think that can be a bad thing. This is essentially a playground as well. You must understand from our point of view, we hear that so often. We don't ever hear that their kids want to listen to the other two shows that are educational and heartwarming. And my own kids are not interested in Monday or Wednesday at all. But they love. I get it. It's more fun. Wait till I tell them someone shot their vagina tonight. Oh, my God. Yeah. Just wait.

And my seven-year-old son, he enjoys it as well. He actually has a suggestion for a prompt. He's obsessed with anything and everything military. So I don't know if a military prompt could be appropriate or not. I think that'd be great. And a quick shout out to my friend Val. I turned her into an armchair. She's obsessed with anonymous. She's almost through all of them. And then she's going to start over on just armchair expert. Wow. Work her way through. She's got her work cut out for her. She's loving it.

Keep converting people for us. All the time. You guys are lovingly referred to as my podcast at home. Like if I'm talking to family and friends, it's just, oh, on my podcast. Oh, we appreciate you. Thank you. You too. Take care.

Hello. Mike, hello. Your little screen that comes up first had the most amount of letters I've ever seen in someone's kind of description. Yeah, that was unintentional. Just stuck on there from past Zoom meetings.

Are you in the medical industry? I am, yes. Okay, because you have kind of a medical-looking name badge on. I'm a doctor, but first I'll tell the story, and then we'll kind of go into a little bit about what kind of doctor I am. Man, what a day. This is the sixth time I get to ask, have you watched The Pit? Oh, I love The Pit. Yeah.

Okay, hit us with this story and then we'll learn what kind of doctor you are. This story goes back to medical school in 2012. First of all, I'm Colin from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Oh, Marquette. Yep. But this story took place in Kirksville, Missouri, which is a little town. And that's where my medical school was. One of the great joys of medical school is Cadaver Lab.

At our school, we got to start with a full human. Over the course of a year, we take that person from a fully formed person down to bones. Wow. Which is a really cool and really weird experience simultaneously, but it's just a lot of fun. They call it our first patient. And so you learn a lot from your first patient, but stuff does get a little wild in the cadaver lab. Yeah.

It's just an interesting place. Yeah, there's a corpse in front of you. In our room, there were 28 corpses. There's six medical students at each table. And so what we would do is every day we had basically an objective. We have to show X, Y, or Z, whether it's nerves or bones.

or muscles, that type of thing. So this day was probably about a month into medical school. We were working on the arms and our team was scraping the fat off of the arm. We had an elderly gentleman who had quite a bit of subcutaneous fat. So it's like everything gets soaked and it's kind of like an olive oil kind of feeling. And then you've got all the formaldehyde. And so we're in the process of doing this. I'm scraping this fat off and...

And I'm talking with my teammates and a piece of fat, probably about the size of a kidney bean, flew off of the cadaver's arm into my open mouth. No! No!

Oh my God. I gotta go. I gotta go. I immediately froze and I just went, and I ripped off my gloves and literally everybody in my medical school class just turned and looked right at me. The room got dead silent and I just yelled, I'm

I've got to go to the bathroom. Oh my God. I rushed out of the anatomy lab room and just stood over the toilet gagging for several minutes. You know, wash my mouth out with as much water as I could. Not enough water in the whole

I'm telling you, nothing in this show has gotten me close to vomiting thus far. And we've heard some crazy stuff. But I was a little bit like, oh, my God. I mean, that's a horrifying thought. Bit of a corpse in your mouth. Fat. Not even. I know. It's not even muscle. It's not pleasant.

I came back in the room and everybody's looking at me. One of our professors was like, did what we think just happened just happen? And I was like, yes, it did. You know, the rest of the day, having that taste in my mouth was not pleasant. Oh, fuck. Are you a pathologist?

I'm actually an addiction medicine doctor. Oh, really? Love that. It's so great that I got to talk to you because you guys played a big role in me choosing to go for my addiction medicine board certification. I was in the process of trying to chart my career at the beginning of the pandemic. And one of the things that I point to that had a big impact on me was the seven days episode. I'm just so grateful to you guys for sharing that and your honesty and

And whenever I have residents or med students working with me, I give them a list of media. That episode is one of the things that I recommend to people. Oh, thank you, brother. That's so nice. Thank you. What do we think about GLP-1s? Is that a conversation that's in the mix?

in your field right now? Is there any curiosity or excitement around that? I've heard a couple talks on it at the American Society of Addiction Medicine. There's a lot of promise simply because it's hard to get insurance to pay for it and there's been shortages and it would be off-label. I'm not using it

yet, but I do have some people who have diabetes and alcohol use that I'm using it for. It's definitely part of the conversation, and I think it's going to be a great tool in our toolbox in the future. It's kind of exciting. I'm optimistic and fingers crossed for people who are struggling and newly into it. Just to be very clear, I have no fantasies about going on a GLP-1 and trying to resume drinking responsibly, just to put everyone's

potential fear at ease. But I am very excited for the people who are currently struggling. Yeah, any tool that we have, because as we know, there's not a lot of great options for people. Anything we can do to give people ammunition and finding sobriety is going to be awesome. Yeah. Well, listen, I'm so happy, Mike, that you've chosen this career. I think we need bright people that are passionate about it. And I'm really happy you found your way there. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, thanks. Well, you guys have a wonderful day. You too, brother. Take care. Thanks so much.

Those were great. Yeah, boy. Piece of dead person fat. Piece of dead fat. Ooh, let's eat lunch. Ew! Love you! Do you want to sing a tune or something? Or a theme song? No.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhyme dish. On the fly, I rhyme dish. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.