Bert Kreischer
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Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Buck Rogers, and I'm joined by Jean Lightyear. Hi. Hi. Everyone will know who Bert Kreischer is. When I describe...

A jolly man with no shirt on who does stand up. He does not do his profession with a shirt on. Yeah. It's not for him. Too cumbersome. Too much fabric. Too much fabric. It doesn't declare I want to party hard enough. That's right. And he is all about partying. He really is. He is. He was also, he was crowned that early on. Yeah. Once you get that moniker in college, you're,

You got to make it a lifestyle. And boy, has he successfully. Very successfully. Bert, of course, is a host of a couple of very popular podcasts, Two Bears, One Cave.

and Something's Burning, and BurtCast. And he has been in The Machine, Razzle Dazzle, The Cabin, Burt the Conqueror, Secret Time, and he has a comedy special out right now on Netflix called Lucky. So please check that out if you haven't already, and please enjoy Burt Kreischer.

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I find it rude showing up to a podcast on time. When I show up on time, I should show up like five minutes late to let them get settled. So today I was like, I didn't know your energy, so I didn't want to assume. When I get to do a podcast, I'm like, when I say two o'clock, it means I'll get there at two o'clock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And so I feel bad

when people get there early and they're waiting on me and then I'm like, I'm so sorry. I decided to walk to work. Yeah, and you have it nearly as bad as me, which is you record in a house. I just said, I can't believe I'm at your house. It's so intimate. Yeah, right? Is it a good or a bad idea, you think? It depends on who you have on your podcast. I have lunatics on my podcast. The night that we decided we no longer do in our house, it was me, Sam Tripoli, and Eddie Bravo. My daughter,

Isla, my daughter Georgia, and Eddie Bravo and Isla were learning jujitsu moves. Okay. And we're all high and we're all by the fire pit. Sure. And Isla's like, Mom, I'm learning jujitsu. It was really fun. But my wife's like, all right, just so we're clear, that energy, we're not going to welcome that into our house every time we have a guest. It's a little bit aggressive. She's like, I like Eddie, I like Sam, but I don't know if we're going to just...

Anytime you have a band that wants to stick around and we had a band doing coke in our bathroom the other day. Yeah. Maybe keep those kids away from that. I try to go, ladies, do you know who this is? And then they're like, no. Yeah. I was like, shit, this is Gavin Rossdale. Do you know who Gwen Stefani is? And they're like, yeah. I go, oh God, can you guys hug him or something? He's a legend. The only one that they ever got mad at me for not introducing them to was Tony Hawk. Oh,

We love Tony. They were like, you had Tony Hawk here, dad? It's hard to know what they're going to know, right? They're what, 19 and 20, your daughters? 19 and 20. Slipknot was a big home run. Five-finger death punch. Brought daughter Isla's into that conversation.

to that kind of music. So how many years ago did you stop recording at home? Because I went to a house, but that's not where you were living. That is just our studio. Probably three years ago. And that's good, right? It's just good across the board. Best energy in the world. I'm a natural extrovert, so I draw energy from people. And so to walk into a creative space like that, like I would have really thrived in one of those content houses.

Those content houses the kids did? What's that? What do you mean, what's that? I don't know what a content house is. I was acting like I did. I know. I thought I could context clues figure that out. I was like, there's no way Dax knows what a content house is. Back in the day, they'd get a thing called Sway House. Now, I'm going to sound so fucking old. Is this MTV? No. Oh, fuck.

Don't be ridiculous, Monica. Oh my God. Bryce Hall. Do you know who that is? No. Okay. We're really failing bad. This is worse than being caught looking at porn at your kid's school. I'm really embarrassed that I'm telling you that I followed this. We're ignorant. It's never a good look. The Paul brothers did it. They get big on TikTok and then they'd move their friends in and then all day long they just create content. Oh, okay. I was 44.

when they were doing that 42. There was one that lived down the street from me. I was so jealous. I had a family, kids, a beautiful wife, dogs. And I'd drive by there and go, these kids are living it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they lived in mansions in the hills and they just light their pool on fire. Yeah.

Cut the top off of a Lamborghini. Neighbors would be livid. Yeah. Okay, so you still feel like, oh man, or you feel like I had my time? I feel like I got it now in my house. I go there. I'm not lighting pools on fire, but today we had a creative meeting for a sitcom. First day of productions. Everyone comes in. They move out. We got a movie pitch. They come in, move out. We got three podcasts. It was a fervor of activity when I showed up. For anyone who didn't listen to that episode of Two Bears, One Cave, I roll up and there's a tour bus in the driveway.

I'm immediately ingratiated to you. I'm like, no one else has this in their driveway in L.A. This is great. Yeah. And then I go inside and there's people everywhere. And I'm like, they have a big business. There's a lot happening. Well, there's touring. There's TV. There's movies. There's podcasts.

And then there's the vodka. There's the 5K cooking show. And that's the beautiful thing about this is whatever idea. I mean, I have my own fucking flip flop. Oh, God. Let's see this. Is it merged? Listen, this is going to sound so detached. But once you get a certain level in success, you get to kind of just call your own shots.

So there was a flip-flop that I liked and they stopped making it. So I started cyberbullying them. I said, everyone online, just hit them up. Tell them that this is bullshit, that they're not making my flip-flop anymore. Or cannot live without these. The guys that own the company hit me up. They're like, hey man, we're not doing great in business. And I was like, well then let me help. And my first thought was like, I need size 12s. Just give me a thousand and I'll wear them for the rest of my life. You just want to get paid in flip-flops? Are they reefs? No, they're free waters. They're great flip-flops. Okay. And then I said, well, wait, how many do you need? I don't need any money in the company. Give me a price point where it's financially beneficial for you to make flip-flops.

He goes, if you could sell like 5,000 flip flops, I'd do it. I went, great. I said, make 5,000 in my style, the kind I like. Put my name on it. I don't care, but I'll sell to my fans. We sold them in like 15 minutes. Nice. Really? At that point, I realized, oh, there's bigger things in this business. You're extremely ADHD, right? Yes. And I was thinking, what a perfect time you were born in.

To come of age where you could be doing 57 different things and there's no barrier to entry and it's self-distribution. Well, we started at a time when that wasn't it. We had to get christened by a gatekeeper. Yeah. Which was so frustrating. I remember getting my first camera. It was a GL2. It was a Sony. Oh, yeah, yeah. Canon GL2. And I shot shorts. I just needed to do. And I edited them and I gave them to my manager and he goes, what am I supposed to do with these? At that moment, I thought this needs to go away because I was like, I know I see stuff and I like it. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, what about the guys from South Park who made the Jesus fights Santa Claus? They made something. Now everyone sees it. I got really bored when I was a travel channel and I started doing a vlog. I got really into Casey Neistat, Mr. Ben Brown. Fun for Louis. You're so good with names. I just got to say, I've been watching you all day on different interviews and your recall for people

and how much you're abreast of every comedian that's working, all that. It's kind of staggering. I can tell you things I like. I love being a fan of shit. There's no sexier feeling in the world. I hope someone's getting this right now. This is the coolest feeling you'll ever get in the world is when you discover something and you like it and you deep dive and you find so much more shit and you're like, oh,

Oh, I haven't even started. It is so fun. You know, I'll tell you this. I'm a big Grateful Dead fan. I've been lucky enough to be around them, dead and company. I've gone to the sphere. I'm going back to the sphere. Will you do drugs when you do that? Because you're not into drugs. I'll drink. You won't do like mushrooms or something for that? No, no, no, no. It also feels scary at the sphere. You don't need anything. The sphere is not good. I got so moved at the sphere for you two that David Copperfield left our box.

I was crying aggressively. My daughters could not stop laughing. They were filming all of it. And I was just sobbing. The older I've gotten, I've gotten very emotional. But I'm a big Dead fan. I love when you discover something. And so for me, it was vlogging. I've discovered Casey Neistat and Mr. Ben Brown. When I found these guys, I got turned on. I started deep diving them.

And I was like, this is sexy that they're in control of everything. And I started doing my own vlog. Very simple at first, a little more complex and people followed it. And I got made fun of. I mean, trust me, Rogan lit me up a couple of times. We're going to film us playing pool. And he was like, the fuck? We just did a podcast. Yeah. But I got really into it. And in doing that, I just learned how to

edit videos. When I learned how to edit videos, I realized I was now in the driver's seat of my own career because I could put out whatever content I needed out on whatever timeline I needed it to promote whatever show I needed. And in doing that,

I think I learned to follow my heart. Well, it's a great era for someone with your makeup, probably ADHD, super crazy passionate right now about the thing. My hunch is if you can't knock it out in a small window, it's gone, right? Is that fair? I had a put pilot in Hollywood. That means

We're making your pilot. They buy it with the commitment to make the pilot. At NBC, shout out to Tal Rabinowitz. I knew her when she was assistant. I walked into the room. She's now running NBC. She was always cool. She was like, say less. Done. And then my best friend started fat shaming me. What year was this? This was 2016, I think.

I had just gotten fired from Travel Channel. I already knew how to edit everything. I knew how to vlog. And Tom started fat shaming me and I was like, "I know Tom doesn't know how to do any of this shit. "I'm gonna destroy him." And so I started fat shaming him. At one point, my manager and agent called my wife and they were like, "Hey, we need Bert's notes on the pilot." And she was like, "Oh, he's done."

And they're like, what? She was like, it took too long. He's done. He's on to this fat shaming thing. Yes. He's not going to do it. You're white hot, but it's got a real short half-life. If it's not there right away, I'm on to the next thing. But what amazing technology that has sprouted up where you make real-time content and it can be released that day and you see the results of it and then you're on to the very next thing. This is not a personality type that works under the old paradigm. No. All right, but let us start at the beginning. Shoot.

Tampa, Florida, 1977. 72. 52. Yes, yes. I'm 75. I made you younger than me. My two writers on my show were like, you're meeting Dax Shepard today? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, how old is he? And I went, probably like 40. And they were like, he's fucking 40? And I was like, I don't know. And they're like, you were just with him. How do you not know how old he is? And I was like, I don't know, he seems young as shit. He's got a full head of hair. He's jacked.

Look at you. That's so nice. He took the steps two at a time on the way up to the studio. Oh, you shaved 10 whole years off. How nice. Yeah, that's really kind of you. Well, and then I just gave you five years. November 72, you arrive. St. Petersburg, but then we get to Tampa. Yeah. I shot my special in St. Petersburg. Specials comes out on Netflix March 18th. Lucky. And I shot it in St. Petersburg. Very emotional. Okay, so Tampa, Florida. Dad was a real estate attorney. Yeah. So was he crushing? No.

My dad doesn't like me talking about this, but he doesn't listen to your podcast. So I think we're safe. Yeah. Yeah. I was talking about it on Rogan one time. Rogan's like, can't be real. So I call my dad. I go, hey, yo, dad, do you ever represent dot, dot, dot? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, cool. I'm on Rogan. He goes, what? Don't fucking tell people who I represent. Buddy, you can't tell people who I represented. But they have a building right on this road. The people he represented have a building on this road. Very big building.

a mile that way. Scientology. Easy. Oh, good job. Wonderful. So he met an author. Okay, wonderful. The author loved boats. I mean, you'd think the guy lived on a boat. And then he did build a boat he lived on. Yeah, yeah. We lived in what I would say a white trash neighborhood. I apologize if there's anyone that grew up with me. Not my second neighborhood, not Faircloth Estates, but the first neighborhood was white trash. I remember in first grade, I went over to this dude's

Darren and we played football together. Darren, Darren lived on that street and he was with a chick and I just went up with my ball. I was like, yo, we're playing football today. And he's like, buddy, I'm fingering a girl right now. My bad. In first grade, first grade. Wow. I hope she was in second grade. At least he had to be in like eighth grade. They were older. Oh, they were older. I'm sorry. Fellow first grader came out weird. Yeah. I was like, Oh,

I was like, oh my God. That's like when I said to someone, no, I was drinking with a bunch of miners and they're like, what? And I was like, yeah, they were fucking fun. And they're like, where were you? I said, West Virginia. Coal miners. Yeah, it's coal miners. Oh my God. What are you doing? Grew up in white trash. My dad gets this one client, promise of big money.

buys a house for like, I don't even know, $130,000. In 82, that's a lot. It's big. Three bedrooms, office downstairs, on a lake, no pool. You add no pool. That was our pool. Gator pun. Dude, there are signs that you grew up in Florida and it is you're hyper aware of gators and snakes. I've never once walked across my lawn and not watched where my feet land. Yeah. That's Florida. And I never have gotten in a fucking lake and just thought this will be fun. As a kid, you get water, you're like feet up. I don't want to get

It was terrifying. Oh, my mom will like that. I tell this story. She was water skiing in Florida as a young 20 something year old. She saw alligators and then she fell and she was too terrified to let go of the tow rope. And she was drug behind the boat so long that it gave her an enema and she shit her bathing suit.

That's Florida water skiing for you right there. Public enema number one. You might shit yourself in a water skim. Dude, Florida's so fucked up. I think Florida and Australia are the closest cousins you get in the world. Everything can kill you in Australia. The weakest people in the world, Germans.

Because there's nothing scary there, you're saying. Nothing. They don't have wolves. In Australia, have you ever been to Australia? Oh, yeah. Especially in northern Australia. Every sign is written in English and in German. Because Germans have lived this carefree life with no snakes, no alligators. They have deer. Maybe a raccoon. Maybe. And so they go, this water looks fun. And then gators got them in its mouth. Yeah. And they got the great whites. It's teeming with man killers down there. Fuck Australia. Dangerous. Yeah, it is.

So as a car guy, the weird thing is I would go to Florida and everyone drove a Mustang notchback LX five liter. They were only sold in Florida. People always got a hatchback. I don't know why they all like that, but it was all kids living with their grandparents,

Because their parents had kicked them out. I mean, there's a huge contingency of people just living with their grandparents, which is a wild group. Were you running into that a lot? I was not. That's more central Florida? No, that's more northern Florida. Okay, like Orlando-y? Yeah, like Ocala. I was in Sebring a lot. So that's southwest coast Florida? Yes. Southwest coast? No! It's central, mid-state. We'd fly into Orlando...

You're not watching this. That won't be entertaining. But the look Monica just gave me, anytime I talk about geography, which I can't resist. It's like 14 minutes of trying to figure out. And she's like, no one gives a flying fuck where Sebring, Florida is. And she's right. No one. But we care. I just said to someone the other day, the best geography joke ever was Homer Simpson. And he goes, who cares about Canada all tucked away down there? Exactly.

Back to Tampa. Dad has this client now. That's all we can say about that because I would certainly need to know more. I read that book going clear and him floating around on a fucking float. Way to dance around it. Yeah.

Things that seem interesting in your life are just your life. And you're like, I don't really remember. All I know is that we got into move into a nice house in a nicer neighborhood based on the client. And then the client allegedly just kind of bounced. And then we had a house with no furniture in it. But from the street, you guys look like you're killing it. But if you walked in our house, you're like, oh, you just move in. You're like, no, we've been here a year and a half. Right. And did you have a complex around that? No. It's weird what doesn't bother me.

And then it's weird what bothers me. Yeah, what bothers you? Because you seem to have a very thick skin and you're very self-deprecating, so it's hard to know what would trigger you. I'm extremely sensitive. I'll give you a perfect example. When I talk shit about you on Two Bears. Yeah, right. And then I...

heard that it came to you, I got really upset about it. Wait, I don't know this. We are definitely talking about this. Well, quite simply, I had been told in comments that I got made fun of on Two Bears by Bert. It was just Tom lights me up and pokes me. And I like talking wild on a podcast. It's part of being on a podcast. And he's like, Dax Shepard's fucking

killing it maybe i'll get him on here as a guest bear and i was like fuck dax shepherd he was like what and i go dude he just started podcasting last week and it's the number one podcast in the world yeah it's all very legit i've been doing this for nine fucking years what's funny is i'm aware of that i come to expect that but then somehow i see a video of burt telling a story where he said i feel really bad that i made fun of dax shepherd and he did this incredible thing which he sent me merch

Which I didn't do, but an armchair he did. Wait, what? Someone sent him our merch. Oh, our merch. And he thought it was from me. And he was like, oh, what a cool. It destroyed me. It was during the pandemic. And I got it in my PO box. And I was like, oh, my God. And here's the thing. I am like a day one ride or die for Dax. For real. When Punk came out. First of all, I know I told you this. He looks like my best friend growing up, Ryan Valerius. When he came on there, you even looked more like him then.

And I was like, that's my fucking guy. You expect your movie stars to just stay movie stars and not get in your lane. And when they get in your lane, you're like, dude, you're already a fucking movie star. You're already married to a fucking movie star. All of it, I totally understand. And I would be fucking annoyed. And then we hashed this all out on his show. And it was lovely. I've done that to a few people. And so when it happens to me, I understand it more. It's helpful, right? When you go like, all right, it's the same thing I did. I don't even mean it. They probably don't mean it either. You're looking for a funny take. Like, I went off on alcoholism. I went off on people who quit drinking. Right.

Oh, also bad. Did you hear this? No, it was bad. Anyone in the program got really upset with me. What were your points? My point was, if you're thinking about quitting drinking, don't. It's not the alcohol, it's you. So have a drink and let's figure this out. Let's talk it out over drinks. My whole point was, I know so many people

who have quit drinking but didn't fix the problem. Well, I agree with you there. Yeah. Let's not say it's alcohol. Let's say it's you. And it was just to make Tom laugh. And I got lit up by friends in the program. Listen, I'm so pro-drinking. I'm so pro-drugs. Everyone that can do it should be doing it as much as they can. I'm doing it tonight. I got to shoot something tomorrow and I was like, I don't want to look bloated. And then I was like, I already look bloated. Who gives a shit? People are going to recognize me if I'm not bloated. I'm kind of bloated and a lot of bloated. I have to drink to keep up my

But what I would say about that point is simply to address the you that is the problem, which I would agree with. It's best to do that not drunk. You're not the most objective version of yourself when you're trying to do some self-analysis is when you're feeling very confident and better looking than you are. We were in Orlando and I had tied one on really heavy the night before and we had to do a podcast at 8 a.m. And I sat down and I was off. I go, I need a six pack.

And Tom's like, "What are we doing here, buddy?" And I was like, "You know what, fuck you." This was before the podcast. He's like, "What?" And I go, "Bring it up, say something. I dare you." And then they bring in a thing and he goes,

We think maybe it's a little early to have a beer. You know what? And then I went on this rant and then a few people that I really care about that are in recovery reached out really upset. And that bothered me. And then it went viral. And I was like, nah, fuck you. I would have never shamed you for it. Danny Trejo stood by me. He's like, yeah, you got to fix the problem in you. It's not the booze. And if it's not that it's going to be jerking off for sex. We'll just talk to anyone in their first year of sobriety.

They're either fucking nonstop. They've started online gambling or something. The best feeling in the world is gambling. Oh, scary. The heart race. Where you've had to battle it or no? No, no, no, no. Just when you got the nuts, your cards are on the table and another card lands and it's your card and you don't know what he has and your heart. Nothing in the world would I trade for that moment. I don't know.

I remember my number's 11. I always put money on 11. During the pandemic, I was in a casino. I put $100 on 11. Lady had a mask on. All eye contact. Spins it. She's watching it. It hits 11 and I watch her eyes dart at me and her and that feeling of hitting 11 and I've had two children better than the birth of either of them. - Sure, sure. - It felt so good.

I split it with her. Oh, beautiful. So that's a $3,600 payout. And I should never have split it with her because she doesn't get it. It goes to the fucking house. No, they get their tips. No, she puts it in the bucket. We're going to fact check that they got to get their money to a homeless guy on the side of the road. And he goes, yeah, I'm going to split it with all of us. You know,

Well, I want you to have it. I get that. First of all, what scenario did you just paint? There's no way any dude is like, I'm sharing it with all these people. I used to do a thing called waitstaff raffle. I just did it as a lark. It was the first time I ever sold out a show. It's the very beginning of me starting to sell tickets.

And there was a snowstorm and I got bonus to a hundred dollars. Or maybe it was more, but I had a hundred dollars in my son. I'm going to give it to the whole staff. And then I realized, well, it's only 10 bucks a person. It doesn't seem that big. And then I said, I'm gonna give it to one person. That's the thing I look for in life. If I'm addicted to anything, it's the sparkle of a moment, the sensation when you go for me, you know? And so I said, you know what I'll do? And I got on stage and I said,

here's the deal. This waitstaff, they've been busting their ass and they're going to probably walk with maybe 120 bucks tonight, which is good money, but we can make one of them really feel the moment. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to pass around my hat and just put in whatever you have. Don't take it away from your tip. Just if you got like 10 or 20, just throw it in five bucks is fine. And I'm going to put a hundred dollars in and we got $700 that night and we pulled a name out of all the waitstaff. One girl came up on stage, starts crying.

This is a fucking powerful moment. I don't know if you'll get it as much as me because you never a poor dad, but she said, I get to buy the nice car seat now as a poor dad. I remember going to target with Leanne when we were broke, looking at car seats and you'd see the good car seat and you, this is my baby's life and I got to get the cheaper one cause I'm a fuck up. That's a lot. It gets better. You ready for this one? And you can find this one online. So I start doing it and it's fun. And I tell him, I said,

We'll do it every show. Five of you will walk away with like a thousand bucks a night extra. And they loved it. And then we were in Louisville, Kentucky last show on Sunday and we've been doing it the whole week. And I pull a name. I go, Kevin, you don't want dudes to win. You don't want a guy to win. Yeah. There's already a pay gap. Just go make some money. And he's black. You

don't want black dudes to win. No, I disagree. You're talking to a pro. I put my 10,000 hours and I'll tell you why. Black guys have a hard time with vulnerability. They try to be funny. They're not going to share like a white chick or a black chick will share. Black guys are a little standoffish, but it's Kevin. I go, Kevin, and

And I improved 100% wrong. Yeah, I had a hunch that you were not on firm ground with this opinion. I was going to go down as a racist. I know. I was like, oh, God. I'm going to keep the money. They've had enough. Yeah. They've been handed everything. Yeah, you're fucking born on third base. I bring him up on stage and he is trying to hold it together. And he

And he's like, "Good looking out. Thank you." You can find the video online. I'm going to over exaggerate for you listening because I want you to feel it, but you can watch it and it is just as moving. And I go, "Kevin, you seem a little emotional." And he goes, "No." Oh, I'm going to get emotional telling you this. I said, "Buddy, I'm looking at you. What's going on?" And he goes, "No, I'm good. Thank you, everybody. Thank you." And I said, "What are you going to do with this money?" And he said, "Saturday is my daughter's birthday. Now I get to throw her the party she wanted

And I get to be the dad she thinks I am. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude stands up, walks $100, gets up for your daughter. The whole fucking room starts coming out. Throwing money at fucking, oh my God, fucking make it rain. It was awesome. We had wild moments doing that. That's what I love in life. Oh,

Oh, for sure. Okay, we must get to how you're here. So Tampa, Jesuit school shocker to me. Loved it. Define me. You describe yourself as a dum-dum all the time. It's kind of part of your onstage persona. You can't get to a Jesuit school and be a dum-dum. They specialize in making people very critical thinkers, challenging of opinions. You'd be shocked at how many dum-dums are in my phone right now. That are all Jesuit graduates. The funniest dudes ever.

My group of friends in high school, without a doubt, were the funniest individuals I've ever known in my life. So then you go to Florida State and this is important. You're there for how many years? Six or seven? Six and a half. Year six of his enrollment at Florida State, Rolling Stone is in search of the biggest party school. They do an article and they crown Burt

The hardest partying guy at the hardest partying school. That's a crown. And you kind of have a moment of celebrity all of a sudden in your sixth year. It's the best. It's my first taste of celebrity. I'll tell you, it was intoxicating. And clearly every kid on that campus read that article. It's going to be the biggest news possible that they got crowned that. Everyone did. So it was a different time then.

I think the real world and road rules was around, but celebrity wasn't as attainable as it is now. Overnight, it changed my life. Every publication wanted to write about me. There were like these tabloid news shows that would happen at like five o'clock in the afternoon. The American Journal, they all flew down. They spent time with me. Oprah wanted me and my parents to do it. Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life.

Stop. I met Oliver Stone. This is the most bizarre. This is. It's the craziest set of life experiences you could ever imagine having, especially as like a 25-year-old kid. I had no plans for anything. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was figuring I'll move to Aspen and just...

try to work on a ski lift or something, live with my friends. And then this happens. I still didn't know what to do with it. And in the article, I had said I wanted to do standup. This radio show was like, yo, we'll let you do standup. Now they were doing it to watch me fail. And then they'd have content for Monday. They put me last on the list of four professional touring comics at a place called Pop Belly's.

Still there. I just went there the other day in Tallahassee and I did 20 minutes and it was stream of consciousness. Oh, I had nothing. Was the house packed with your now devotees from campus? No one would have been there if it wasn't me. It was all friends. I was in a group called scalp hunters, which were the heads of all the attorneys. So all of the attorneys there, I was with my dad when I did the Emily arena in Tampa and Derek Brooks, you know, Derek Brooks is a hall of famer played for the box, played at Florida state. He says to my dad, he goes, it's amazing to see where he's at now from where he started.

My dad goes, "Huh?" And Derek goes, "I was at a show at Pop Ellie's." I was like, "Shit." So yeah, it was crazy. But I did great. Radio show offered me a gig on their show. They were like, "We thought you'd bomb. "Why don't you come in, do third mic?" - Wow! - This is nuts, 'cause normally you're chasing fame

And it takes forever. And then you maybe get it or you don't. Fame found you. You're like, oh, I like this. How on earth do I keep this going? This sounds shallow. I don't know why, but when you're just like an average looking dude, you become funny. So people pay attention to you. And then when you're funny, people pay attention to you. But the thing you were looking for is what good looking guys have where people like, what's that guy's name? I was never the guy.

Where if you're with a group of girls, they're like, do you know who we have to set Jennifer up with? And you'd be like, please say my name. Please say my name. And they'd be like, Derek. He is hilarious. I'm like, Derek does fucking impressions of Ace Ventura. He's not fucking funny. And so then I remember eating at a Blimpies and these hot girls were staring at me. Perfect location for this story. It couldn't have been a better location. Hot Bellies is the first fucking stand up. Blimpies is the- Oh my God, my mom was obsessed with Blimpies. Oh, Blimpies subs are fucking legit. But I'm from Georgia. That's why- Duluth. Exactly.

Exactly. My wife's from Georgia. What part? Bowdoin. It's a really small redneck town. Sorry, anyone from Bowdoin listening. No, shout out. Anyway, fame felt good. Well, the gals were staring at you. Did they talk to you? Came over, sat down with us. It filled holes that I didn't know I had, but I knew were there. Dude, we all want to be the gorgeous quarterback of the football team. We want to know what it's like to just walk down the hall and people turn and they look at you. If a girl said she wanted to have sex with me, and this happened a couple times,

especially in college, my initial thought was what's wrong with her? Because I go, that doesn't happen to me. Something's weird about this. I mean, it was the craziest and the access you had to life. I remember ESPN sent two young actors down to hang out with me, shoot a commercial and party. One of those actors was Johnny Knoxville. Oh, come on. And this is like insane stories. The

The things that have happened to me in life just shouldn't track. And we partied. He showed me Camp Kill Yourself videos of them trying to break beer bottles on their head. And we took pills. We drank. He threw himself down a flight of stairs. We ended up dressed as women. The original content house. It was everything you wanted. You were a member of Jackass for a night. Yeah. It's probably five years before Jackass. I know this sounds fake. Johnny knows this is real.

He was writing articles for Big Brother at the time, and he pitched me jackass in his kitchen. Wow. Anyway, it filled holes. And so I moved to New York going like, the fame shit's for me. Yes. How do I get more of this? And I got a job at the Boston Comedy Club working the door to get stage time, and I sucked. Yeah.

And I was like, okay, hold on. Yeah, no friends there. And it looked like fame all of a sudden was really fading quickly. You know those pictures of Michael J. Fox and his brothers and sisters where they start disappearing? Oh, in Back to the Future? Back to the Future, yeah. It was just a picture of my head. Everything was gone. I was like, yo, if I don't get famous quick. You realize you were on Minute Seventeen.

Yeah. Of the 15 minutes. You're like, uh-oh. I mean, I auditioned for MTV's Who Wants to Be a VJ. Do you remember that? Sure, sure, yeah. With Dave Holmes and Jesse. And then I started getting good at stand-up quicker than I should have. Let's talk about your dad, though, one second, because I know this part from when I was on your show.

Your dad lets you have it at one point. Yeah. This to me on the surface sounds like the wrong approach, but it really worked for you. Tell Monty what happened. On my 26th birthday, I woke up, no air conditioner, in New York on a leather couch, hungover as shit. It's probably 9.30 and the phone rings. It's my dad. I look at caller ID. He probably just wants to wish me happy birthday. I'll let him do it. I'll go back to sleep. I was like, hey, what's up? He was like, you...

are a tremendous piece of shit. And I was like, what? And he goes, I just perjured myself in court. I have never perjured myself. The judge said, Mr. Kreiser, how's your son doing in New York? And I said, fantastic, your honor. That's a lie. You have no humility. You are a fucking party boy. You have nothing. You don't deserve what you have. He really broke me off. Now I'm sitting up sweating still.

I go, it's my birthday. Yeah. That's a fair response. Daddy, it's my birthday. And he goes, I don't know what fucking day it is. Are you fucking kidding me? That's why I'm calling you. I remember saying, well, how do I fix it? And he goes, you can't. He goes, I fucked up and it's my problem. I'll deal with it. I'll help you out. We'll figure this out together, but just have fun.

Be a party boy. And I was like, hold on. Oh, even worse. He's resigned. And by the way, he wasn't doing the fake thing of like, it wasn't reverse. Yeah. Yeah. He had like given up. You're a fucking mulligan. You're going to be a failure forever. Let's game plan that. Yeah. I was like, dad.

stop for real. I want to fix this. And he goes, you don't have the skills to fix it. What you need is humility. That is what you don't have. You're too proud to do with someone that wants something will do. And he goes, it's my fault. You should have worked in warehouses. You should have done the hard work. You didn't do it. So I fucked up. And I was like, hang on. This is like a rough one. I remember my sisters laughed out loud, but I told him, I go, tell me what I need to do. And he goes, if you want my advice tonight, you go to that comedy club you go to and you ask for a job. You

You tell him you'll do anything. You'll mop the floors. And I go, okay, I can't do it tonight because I have a birthday party planned. One more day is a piece of shit, please. It's like a junkie going, can I party on the plane? I already bought some. Can I get through that? We'll go to treatment after. He goes, you don't deserve a party. Oh man, he was fucking. He goes, what are you celebrating? My sisters are like, that's so dad right there. And he goes, you've got nothing. You're a piece of shit. That

article was 20 months ago. It was. Oh. And I said, okay, I'll do what you said. What if they say no? And he goes, it doesn't matter. You just fucking go. So I went to the club, went up to this guy, Louis Schaefer. I said, hey, my name's Bert Kreischer. And he goes, I know who you are. And I said, I would like a job. I'd like the opportunity to do standup. I came to be a standup. I'll clean up. I'll mop up. I'll put chairs out. I'll do whatever you want. And he said, can I give you my advice? And I said, sure. He said, move back to Florida. I was like, cool. So I went

to the Bag It In, had a drink, went down to McDougal Ale House, met my friends, celebrated my party, woke up the next day, called my dad, and I was like, didn't work. And he goes, perfect. You show up again tonight, you say the same thing. And if he stops you, you say, here's the deal, buddy. I'm looking for an opportunity. And I'm going to keep asking you this question every single night for the rest of your God-given life until you give me an opportunity.

So I go, dad, I'm gonna look like a fool. He goes, no, no, no. He goes, I want you to think about a young black kid in Harlem who doesn't have everything that's been given to you and think how hard he's going to fight for that opportunity. So you think how lucky you are. So I walked in the next night and I was like, hey, Louis Shaver, my name is Bert Kreischer. And he goes, didn't I tell you to move back to Florida? I go, hey man, here's the deal. Okay. My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. I was supposed to have a party. I didn't even really get to have a party. It was easier in college. This seems so much easier when it was given to me and working for it seems so difficult.

And he said, I'll put you out front and you bark. If you can bring in 20 people, I'll give you 20 bucks. I'll give you a dollar for everyone you bring in and I'll put you on at the end of the night. And I went deal. Stay tuned for more armchair expert. If you dare.

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If you're a comedy fan, this is fascinating. Two things happened that night. Patrice O'Neill, Rich Voss, Jim Norton, and I think Bobby Kelly were standing on the side of the street. Do you know Patrice O'Neill? I know Patrice. Patrice was catcalling women. Now, I'm working the street, and I don't know these guys at all. And I said, I can't believe you think that would work.

Cause I've never seen a cat call cause I grew up in Florida. It's about foot traffic. We don't have that. Yeah. Right. And so he goes, shut the fuck up. And I was like, that's not how you'd hit on a woman. It sounds aggressive. And he's like, what would you do? And a beautiful woman, probably 35. Now I had to talk to her anyway, cause I tried to get her to a club. I said, you look tired. Why don't I take you out and I'll buy you a glass of wine. I'll listen to your day.

And she went, I'm okay. And they made fun of me. Yeah. She heard them make fun of me. And she came back. She goes, you know what? I'll take you up on that class one. And I looked at her and I went, I can't. I don't know what to do. I know I go. I just got my dream job. My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. Everything's working out. I can't throw it away for you. And I went, I can't. And she went for real. And I went, no. And she walked away and I went, fuck. Louis Shaver's like, you got a job. He's like, you come every night. We'll put you up. Six months later, Will Smith discovered me, gave me a development deal. And I moved out here.

Holy shit. I'm sorry to run my own interview, but I'll tell you the thing that I think is interesting in this. Now I'm on the track to fame. Development team, hanging out with Will Smith all the time. He's introducing me to everyone as his guy. I'm like, fame's right there. It's going to happen again. I get a TV show, the FXX show, and I'm on TV every night. Things are happening. I'm meeting Sammy Hagar and Slash and I'm meeting famous people.

And one day I'm sitting in my car on the corner of Franklin by Vine, kind of. Beautiful winter day in LA in the morning. I'm driving the side of a Jason Williams jersey on. White chocolate Jason Williams? Fuck yeah, when he played for the Kings. Yeah, yeah. I'm in my Expedition. Eddie Bauer. I'm listening to Ja Rule. Oh, fuck yeah. And I'm like, this is it. And I go, I thought I'd be happier. I guess it wasn't fame. I've got all the things I want. I have a development deal at 50%.

Fox that's ending. I have one that's starting up again at CBS. I have a TV show. I'm doing everything I've ever wanted to do. You're still doing stand-ups throughout this? No. And so I lose it all. Meet Leanne. Fall in love. What do you mean you lose it all? Fire. It just goes away. Shows aren't hits. What age was that?

27 is that day. And then I meet Leanne at 29. Now from 27 to 29, I get back into standup really aggressively. Yeah, you're like, this is what brought me to the party the first time. The lesson my dad gave me about humility, it was the biggest thing that ever helped because I was cool with sucking my pride in. I call it the improv. Now I've been on television shows. There's cachet for a comedy club. And then Aaron's like, yeah, I can't really just give you spot.

But if you want, I'll let you host. Hosting in LA is frowned upon. Back in the day it was. Meaning that's not what a real comedian does. The first time I did it, my wife brought her best friend and a few friends and her best friend said in front of everyone, I didn't know you were going to host. Let us know when you do stand up next time. Oh.

And I was like, okay. That's done. And I started hosting. This is what I got to do. This is what I got to do. And I just kind of worked my way back up. And then I got an opportunity to host in Ontario, which was a bigger opportunity. And then I met a couple of guys and then I started touring and going out on the road and everything was going great, but not making any money. 700 bucks a week. You got to pay managers and agents and you got to pay for travel and sometimes lodging. It's gone. It's gone. But then I married Leanne and we were broke. So broke. I didn't know we were broke. One day she sent me to the store to get milk.

and I got a gallon of milk and I bought a Tallboy Foster's. I was listening to Spoon. That's the way we'll get by. And I was on my skateboard and I was skating and we lived on Detroit Street and I was the happiest I'd ever been. This is fucking it. Broke, no fame, but in the throes of standup. So good at standup at that time.

Two kids. My wife worked for the buildings. We had a great apartment and I had a tall boy of fosters. And I was like, Leanne might be pissed that I bought beer with whatever money she sent me to the store with. Yeah, yeah. And Leanne happened to be watching me skate home. When I got upstairs, she was like, don't ever lose whoever just walked in that door. Oh.

I was like, yeah, that's what you want. The fame wasn't the thing. And I didn't know that. It was the work. Doing stand-up was the thing I loved. Purpose. The purpose. Now listen, I am famous now and I fucking love it. Access to anything is good. Well, I would argue too, your particular version of fame is...

really fun because you're a good time charlie you're like a turnkey when you show up people like oh we're partying that's the association yeah so generally when people see you they're fucking pumped to have a good time i love to have a good time when does this stand-up take off where you're headlining and you're starting to make good money i worked for travel channel for like

Eight years. You would go to amusement parks and stuff. You would go on thrill rides. You jumped up the stratosphere and you're afraid of all this stuff. Yeah. Eight years. I did that for three years. And then I did another show called Trip Flip for four years. I was also a little bit of like a rover for them. They needed someone to do something. They could plug me in.

I was always good with ad sales. I could help sell Carnival Cruises and then they go, let's just do a show about Carnival Cruises. We got money from Carnival Cruises. I got fired from that. For a specific reason or just it ran its course? No, it just ran its course. I was like, I would sign deals. Malia always says, don't say fired, but that's what it feels like. They just didn't renew your deal. The lady called me and she was like, hey, I think we're done working with you.

We're not going to renew your deal. She had never worked with me. She was a new president. She was like, so good luck. Really cold. I could take back one conversation in the world. It would be that one. So I was like, okay, but you know, I don't want to work with anyone. Like I was just so needy. Yeah. Scared. My Showtime special was coming out. This is 2016. The machine. Yeah. That's the game changer. Yeah. Not yet. Here's what happened. I had the deal over at NBC. I lose interest in that. I'm kind of going through, I guess what is depression. Yeah.

I find out. I mean, I don't know what depression feels like for real people, but my thing of it where it just sucks a little bit. You went down to a 7.5 for a couple of weeks. Yeah. I was spending longer on the toilet than I normally do. I was only able to sleep nine hours uninterrupted last night. I put a lot of chips in this special, the machine. I was like, this is going to pop.

They told me when I shot it, they're like, hey, can we do one version with your shirt on? When did that start? You doing stand up with your shirt off? I couldn't tell you exactly. I would say probably 12 years ago. I was in Dayton, Ohio. It was not a sold room. It was like 75 people. And I was like, this is not where I want to be in life, let alone this actual place. And Doc brought me a six pack of beer in a bucket. And he's like, have fun tonight. I heard it is fucking good luck.

And I thought, man, these people paid money. They don't deserve to see me get upset and say I'm not happy. So I got on stage and Doc was in the booth. He was playing Ram Jam, Black Betty. The pacing to walk to stage is pretty awesome. And it fired me up. And I got up there and I went, fuck this. And I ripped my shirt off. 75 people went nuts. I think I murdered six beers in a row back to back to back to back to back because I kept looking at Doc. I go one more.

And the place was like, yeah. And it was a Thursday night, one show. You were like Steve Austin. Stone cold. That energy. And it started that night. I've been doing it ever since. It's so weird how you can stumble into these things that are such signature. I do the Showtime special shirtless. This is back when changing a channel was a thing. For anyone listening, there was a thing you'd hold in your hand and there was a plus and a minus sign. And you decide to go up a channel or down a channel if you didn't like what you saw. And mostly you spent the entire two hours flicking. You never even watched a whole thing. This is the difference in

media not to get too heady on this when you had that remote in your hand you were caesar you were thumbs up thumbs down so now the thing in traditional media where you have the remote in your hand and you're caesar and a guy shirtless comes on stage and you go oh fuck that click is the exact opposite on the internet you see a guy with your shirt off you go wait what's that

And so I shot the machine lowest special they'd ever had. Oh, no, they told you that. How did you even find that out? They told us and they were like, you know, you could help to promote it. I was like, huh? And like it's tracking to be the lowest we've ever heard someone say this at the Oscars. Success in Hollywood means I get to work again. I get to keep working. Exactly. But this meant I might not keep working. Yeah. Last special you'll ever have. Now I look at my tour dates and I have no tickets sold. And then I get to fix this somehow. And I was like, oh, my God. Now.

at the time I was supposed to do a tour with Tommy. It was funny or die. I was supposed to do four weekends. Sebastian, Tommy fluffy Dane, I think was on Eliza. It was going to be fun. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend, which isn't bad money. And then they pulled my weekends and I told Tom and I was like,

It's so crazy, man. They pull my weekends and he was like, holy shit, man, that's a lot of money. And I went, well, it's only like $2,000. He goes, 2000 a show. I said, no, 2000 for the weekend. And he goes, no, I think you got that wrong. I go, wait, what are you getting paid? Oh no. We're boys, right? Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if I want to tell you. And I was like, why? And he goes, I'm afraid it'll fuck up our friendship. So I'm sitting there in my man cave. I'm like, all right, give me a second. I go, can I be happy for this man's success? And what's the price point where I can be happy?

And where's the price point where I'm going to be like, okay, fuck that guy. Yeah. So my head, I go, if he's getting 20,000 for the weekend, I'm happy for him. I said, what are you getting? And he goes, I'm getting 20,000. I went, cool. And he goes, a show. Ah!

a show, a fucking show. You're making 80 grand on these weekends. And he was like, I told you, I already decided we're friends. So I'm like, okay, I'm cool. But then in that time, we're doing a little podcast called Rogan, which at the time is not what it is today. Meaning you are appearing on it. Yeah. And Rogan loves that. We're fat shaming. So Tom and I go on, we talk about the fat shaming. He goes, why don't we do weigh-ins?

At the end of the year, January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, we'll do three sets of weigh-ins. That's three episodes of Rogan, back to back to back, where people are tuning in because we've talked about it. You guys do the weight loss challenge. See who loses the most weight in December. So I'm like, okay, my special bombed. So I'm trying to figure out how to rebound. I go, I know how to edit. I get the raw file of my special, and I edit out four clips to post on Facebook, Twitter. I've learned it all. I've learned how to make graphics. I write my own graphics. I post the machine story December 27th.

Me and Tom go in to do weight loss challenges on the first and second. And during that week, the machine story goes viral. I'd never experienced anything like it. And that first week in Jersey at the stress factory, wait, staff raffle. That was the first club I sold out. And I said to them on Saturday night, I go, why are you guys here? And someone goes, the fucking machine. And I go, I retired that. And he goes, the fuck you did. Ah,

Tell it. That's the only reason we're here. Yeah. So I told the machine. At that moment, 2017, that first weekend, January 8th, 9th, 10th, I sold out every show I've ever done. God, that's only eight years ago. I got it late in life, which is the best thing that can happen. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, because you're so rich now.

Oh, you're so rich. You can Google it. I'm going to. Okay, so really quick. I want to know. So you've since done, I guess, five standup specials. This will be your fourth on Netflix. You had the Showtime one. You had a couple on Comedy Central. Last year when you toured, did you do a full tour last year? Yeah, yeah.

Last year was my arena tour. Okay. So how many dates did you do? I don't know. I do more dates than the average comic, which is fascinating because if you look at when they post all our earnings, you know, top 10 most earning comics, you look where I am and you're like, wow, that's impressive. But then when you look at the other comics, it's,

And you're like, oh, Chappelle only did 13 dates. You're like, that's not that impressive. That's the thing. It's like deceptive about those things. Well, who cares? You can get it anyway. Who cares? But I work a lot. I always do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, three weeks a month with maybe a week off. I would go out Wednesday, do first weekend. So do you fly to meet your tour bus? I fly to meet my tour bus. Okay. And then Monday I'd fly to go see Tommy in Austin. We do podcast.

and then I leave Tuesday night to go meet the tour bus. I do another run.

I then fly out to do more podcasts or fly back to do podcast and then go back out and meet my tour bus. Oh my God, this schedule. This is a lot. When you don't have anything, not say I didn't have anything, but when you wanted the success, you wanted the fans, you wanted the opportunity to stand up all over the country and have people show up. When it shows up, you're like, I am not letting go of this. I look at like NFL players and they have all their great years when they're 22, 23, 24. It's heartbreaking. I'm so lucky to have them at 4%.

at 49, 50, 51, 52 to a movie and then you're getting all these opportunities that you just don't want to say no. You're like, fuck yeah, man, let's get after it. And you don't feel overwhelmed by all those commitments. Overshare. Yeah, please do. A year ago, we're closing on our festival and...

And the girls and Leanne were like, cut the shit. If I'm not mistaken, I think they had a bed for me at Betty Ford. Those are hard to come by, by the way. Yeah. And had the talk with me, but they're like, dad, he can't stop working. He can't stop drinking. He can't stop eating. I was 285 pounds. And I saw it in me first.

And I said to myself, let me get through this tour and then I'm going to stop. I'm going to take some time off and I'm going to clean my lifestyle up and I'm going to still work. No booze, eat keto, lose weight. And what's crazy is randomly a friend of ours was going a little harder than I was. And he took that bed and no one said anything to me, but I had already quit drinking like 13 days before. Everyone was chomping at the bit to tell me, but I'd already got in front of it. And then I quit drinking for like three months. I lost 55 pounds. I got in really good shape. I started touring again and I was doing it in a very healthy manner.

But what was happening was I've never really taken a break. Don't you think it's also dangerous when you have this thing to lean on, which is like something's working so well in your life. You're like, yeah, I'm drinking more than I should, but everything's going exactly how I would want. It's very hard to confront when everything's working. It's overwhelming.

wildly difficult to tell someone that's bringing in millions of dollars that what they're doing isn't working. No one touches the golden goose, even if the golden goose bites in the dick a couple of times. But at the end of July, they were witnessing the same. I just shot my special.

And they're like, what are you going to do? Are you going back on the road? And I'd planned a European tour. And they're like, dad, why don't you take some real time off? Get grounded. And I didn't understand that getting grounded meant getting really lost. In order to get grounded, you got to be scared. Yeah. With all the distractions gone and you have to sit with yourself. So I took a break. And in taking a break, I was like,

Yo, I'm very fucked up. I need distractions. I need something in front of me. I need a goal. I need to sell some tickets. I got to write a script. My wife's like, no, no, you're not doing anything. You can do podcasts, but that's it. I've been.

off in a ditch trying to figure myself out. And then just recently we got that bench press competition. All of a sudden started writing, so I had a goal. I understood goals and I was like, cool. And then I had a show. By the way, you just have to set goals on the personal frontier. Like you can still be goal driven. Just can't be externally motivated. Yeah. They're all for me, the creative frontier. I can set goals creatively, but like personally I go, I don't know, man, my wife and I got in couples therapy that helped.

Immensely. We're not having a problem. We did it because I'm home for the first time. Yeah. My girls are gone. It's me and her. We have a joke where when we wake up, instead of saying, I love you, she just goes, you again, huh? And so couples therapy started really opening my eyes to some shit about me. I mean, I think she got me into couples therapy just to get me into therapy. I know a few women who've done that. He's not going to go solo. So I guess I'll have to fucking sit through his session. Dude, I smoked her on the first one.

Fucking killed it. It's intense. No, I smoked her. She lost so bad. I look at it, win or lose. Yeah, of course. Everything's competition. By the way, if she cries in couples therapy, that's a cheat. It's a fucking cheat. It's a cheat. It's like pretending to call a fair catch and then catching it and run. I go, no, if you cry,

We're over. God damn it. No, that's your fault for not being able to sit through her crying. I said, this is kind of an unfair therapy because she's crying. She goes, unfair? Yeah. That's my feeling. You want me to cry? I can easily whip up some tears. Show me a commercial for a soft drink. Yeah, let me tell you about a Grateful Dead song. But on the first therapy, we were in there.

Leanne just really loves therapy. She's talking and talking and I'm just trying to feel it out. And I went and say something, Leanne cut me off and the lady goes, do you ever let him talk? And I was like, take the win. I was like, I'm just going to sit back in the cut. And I was like, seldomly.

You've been with me for, what, an hour? And I let you say a fucking word? So you were playing a game. She smoked me a couple times. Okay, good. You sure? And I know this next week, I'm definitely going to fucking lose. I'm going in just taking a knee. Because she's got some real things to report. What'd you do? It was a good one. I can't even talk about it because I got to let it happen first and then run it by Leanne. Because it was a real one and it wasn't my fault, but I was like...

I don't know. But it was. I really wish I could talk about it. I mean, we brought it up in front of friends the other day and it started again. Oh, man. And I went, oh. I was like, okay, maybe I can't make a joke out of this one. Can't make a joke out of everything. Like, my daughter got her period. I talked about it on stage. Yeah, what is the vibe at home? Because almost all your stories involve your wife and your girls. Yeah.

and you do an impression of your wife, it varies wildly throughout the show and you acknowledge it. How comfortable are they? What's that dynamic like? It's interesting. When I started doing stand-up and using social media, it wasn't a thing yet. There was no chance of your family seeing. No one was doing specials. You're just on the road talking shit about your family. That's right. And the harder it went, the funnier it went. I remember telling the first joke I told that caught traction. George and Isla were laughing one morning, early in the morning. I said, what are you guys doing? They're like, you guys see...

baby Isla's new trick. I go, what is it? She's like, it's not that funny if I tell you, you got to see it. I said, okay. So Isla is three at the time, takes her finger, shoves it up her ass and puts it in the dog's mouth. Oh,

Oh my God. Yeah, wow, they figured that out. It turned into a good bit. And I told it. And then, by the way, I got to do a special. They're only like five and seven. Tell it again. They're not going to hear it. And then do another one. And then they're seven and ten. And then they're ten and thirteen. And the first time it bit me in the ass was the period party. I mean, it's like such a good bit. It writes itself. I didn't have to do anything. It was presented to me as a fucking banger on a silver platter. 13.

13 years old. Kid gets her period at school, calls dad and says, hey, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I'm throwing a period party tonight. I'm like, OK. So I tell it on Conan. Oh, yeah.

She didn't like that. Oh boy. Well, anytime schoolmates can get wind of it, that's what you don't want them to have to deal with. Conan walks in and he's like, hey man, how are the girls? I said, good, good. And I said, Isla just got her period. And he went, oh. I said, yeah, you're telling me. I go, we had a period party. And he's like, wait, what? And I tell him the story. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, save it. Can you tell it on stage? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're like, you want to do well. Yes, you want to make Conan happy. And then that night, Isla watched it. How are your girls? Good. Isla just got her period. She paused. She goes, do people watch this? Yeah.

I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, how many? I said, a lot. She was like, well, people in my school see this? And I was like, wow.

Yeah, probably. She was like, wait, let me see the rest. Take it back. And then I was like, oh my God. She was fine. I could tell something was off. And then the next morning, Leanne was like, Isla, I need you to see something. And it was a flood of emails of little girls going, thank you. You're my hero. Thank you so much for sharing. Oh, okay. So it had a positive ending. I just got my period today. My dad's doing a period party for me. I put my finger in my ass and put it in the red velvet cake and then the dog ate it. Yeah. Yeah. I think.

that's much worse than the period part. But that's three. That's three. Yeah, exactly. You can get away with that at three. And then the last special or maybe the one before, she had a line that I wanted to use so bad. It was so good. You ran it by her and she said no. I didn't even run it by her. She saw my set. The girls now come and vet my sets. Oh, okay, okay. That's fair. They've learned. They were at the forum with notebooks going, nope. She's like, hey, you can't put that in the special.

I go, but you said it. She goes, I know, but I said it to you. She goes, I can't be the person that said that out loud to everybody. Yeah. And I was like, baby, I'll give you 20 grand. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

She was like, no. And I just kept going up. Good for her. Them and Leanne, initially when I was doing it at the forum, I'd done so much of this shit about Leanne that it kind of came out. Angry-ish. Yeah, angry. Yeah. And they were like, yo, dad, you're losing your smile in this joke. And then my director said that to me and my best friend who produces my specials. He was, yeah, man, the smile's gone. Like, I think you've been doing it too much. You need to stop and then find it again. And so I got the smile back for it because I talk shit about Leanne.

A 54, oh, I almost threw up saying it. 54-year-old woman. If you don't make that fun, it does sound like you're shitting on women ages. We need to know at all times you're deeply in love with Leigh-Anne. It's a fine line to walk. My danger isn't politics and my danger isn't racial shit. And they may have been at times in my career. I mean, I have a political joke in the special. I don't give a shit. No one's going to fucking leave me for it. Well, you'll love it. He takes a very pro-choice stance on behalf of. Yeah, well, you're not going to love it, love it.

Yeah, you're going to also dislike some of it. Okay, cool, cool, cool. So you actually watched the special? Yeah, yeah, I watched it last night, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I love Bert Kreischer, Finder of Things. This is your self-proclaimed identity marker. And I think this is the funniest trait to have. How does one come to this realization that this is your knack?

It's a little bit of delusion. When I was 14 years old, we were in Anna Maria Island. I was with the Lazaro family. We were in chest high water. And Benny Lazaro said, oh shit, I just lost my ring. And I went, really? And I had this feeling that God whispered in my ear, you'll find it. And I swear to God, I went over to where he was. I put my foot down and I stood on his ring. Wow.

And you're a hero. I went underwater and I grabbed it. And this is my thing. I love the sparkle. I said, Uncle Benny, what are you going to say to me if I say I have your ring in my hand right now? He said, I'll tell you right now, if you were holding my ring in your hand, you are my favorite child in this water and I love you more than my son. Ah, great. I went, boom. And he went, how the fuck?

Did you do that? And I go, I don't know. And my whole life I've been able to do that. My fucking whole life. If you lose something, I have a weird confidence where I just go, I'll find it. And by the way, also I'll put in the work to find it. Some people go, oh, let's look. And then they don't really look. And I go, you're not really committed to this finding. Yeah.

Oh my God. Well, and you have to because it's now an identity marker. Yes. If you don't find it, you don't know who you are now. I'm going to tell you this is a wild one. 15 years ago, back when SeaWorld was acceptable to people, we went to SeaWorld San Diego. When you could go guilt free. Yeah. We were like, that was cool. Shamu rocks. He looked happy. Since we don't have Shamu, have you noticed the orcas are acting up a little bit? Yeah.

they want you i think they might have found out what we did and they're not afraid of us anymore interesting there's a lot of theories out there but we have not considered that chamu went and told everyone remember your friend who's lights a cigarette in his bedroom you're like what are you doing she's like that bitch won't do shit to me anymore i'm 15 what's she gonna say fuck you old lady and that's the orcas yeah they're like spoiled rotten kids they're like wait we're bigger and smarter than these people anyway we go to sea world and we're walking to the parking lot and i find a diamond ring with an engravement in it and i go i was crazy

So I'm going to give this back to the person. I'm going to find the person that this is. And Leanne said, honey, I call SeaWorld. I go, lost and found. They go, yeah, yeah, no one reported a ring. Just drop it off. I go, no, no, no, because I don't trust you guys. I already see what you're doing. You're not a house of ethics here. By the way, Twitter's not even around yet. Probably a year later, I post a clip. I hold onto this ring. I'm like, hey, I found a ring at SeaWorld. It's got an engravement. It's

rubies and a diamond. It's a really nice ring and it's expensive. And I go, if you lost this ring, fine. My daughter comes in, she's young. She's dressed as a kitty cat. It's a cute video, radio silence. At one point we're really low on money. And Leanne goes, if we sell this ring, it could get us out of the hole. And I said, that's not our ring to sell.

That's someone's ring that I'm holding until I give it to them. This is like a George Costanza type storyline. Delusional. It's very endearing. I go on podcasts. I talk about the ring. I talk about the fucking ring everywhere. I have this ring. I'm pretending to hold it in my hand right now. 2020, seven years later.

My wife calls and says, someone reached out about the ring. Oh my God. I said, for real? She goes, yeah. She says it's her mother's ring. She knows the inscription and she lives in San Diego and

and she would like to come to your show. I have a show there. And if she gives you the right inscription, then it's obviously her ring. This woman comes up with her husband. She's emotional. And she goes, I think you have my mother's ring. What's the inscription? She goes, the inscription is in cursive. It's LH plus dot dot. Those are my parents' initials. I go, here's your mother's ring. You didn't make her go, what are you going to say if I, because you like to do that part. You like a lot of acclaim. I go, here's your mother's ring. Do you think your mother would be happy that I gave you her ring back? Okay, so a little bit of that. She looks at me and she goes, my mother was a cunt. Oh!

Oh my God. She goes, I swear to God, she died and she gave me this one ring and I hated my mother and I was at SeaWorld and I fell out of my purse and I said, she fucking lost this ring because she hated me and she wanted to prove me a lesson. And I go, really? I go, what are you going to do with the ring now? She goes, I'm going to fucking sell it. And I went, wow, you could have sold the goddamn ring.

It could have helped us. Kids could have gone to private school. Wow, what a turn. Almost if she said like, I threw that away in a parking lot so I'd never hear about it or see it again. I didn't want to be reminded of her. Yes. And you keep talking about it. I have always found shit. You know what I'm doing to promote this special? And my wife thinks I'm a lunatic. I see pennies all the time. I always pick up pennies. Look.

This is the eight year old side of you. If you can get me into a game, you have lost for the day. I'm set. So I got a hundred dollars worth of pennies. That's a lot of fucking pennies. Oh my God. It's too many pennies. 10,000 pennies. I'm throwing them all over the city. I put them in front of people's cars. So when they go to their car, they're like, Hey, good luck. I don't know if it works or not, but maybe that's a nice gesture. If you can gamify life, come on.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Skims. Oh, I just got some new Skims swag from their Ultimate Bra Collection. I am loving it. They make such good bras. They have, you know, well, you might not know this, but a lot of push-up bras, push-ups,

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

At this point, what generates more income for you? Doing standup or the podcast? Standup. I go back on tour. I haven't announced it, but I'll say it.

I have a new tour called Permission to Party. Which you came up with in an interview you were doing. I did. I was talking to this guy and he goes, I'm kind of confused. I've been to one of your shows. These guys are taking their shirts off and they're not in great shape and they're watching the whole show shirtless and they're with their wives and they're getting hammered.

And he's like, why you? And I said this for real. I was like, I've always given people permission to party. I've always been the guy that like a kid's birthday party. They're like, yo, are you going to ask for beer? Because we're all wanting a beer. It's Sunday morning. No one wants to be here. I had the same role. I would always show up at my friend's house with a six pack.

And they were like, oh, this is great. You brought a six pack. We're doing this. Like, yes, I would go first all the time. I love it. I wasn't going to drink this weekend. So I was like, I'm going to get ready for the month. We just flown in from Spain. Saturday, it's four o'clock. It's a beautiful Saturday. Remember, Saturday was a good one. Yeah, it got really warm. Dan goes, I could have a glass of rosé. Now, I'll never say no to a glass of rosé ever in my life. If I get sober, if you offer me rosé, I'll still drink it. Yeah. I love rosé. It's a good one. Oh, my God.

It creeps up on you so quick. Oh, the pandemic. We drink so much. I drink so much rosé during the pandemic. At one point I go, am I just drinking perfume? Can I tell you how much rosé they drink? Because we all hung out here. There's a liquor store that's two and a half blocks away. And I would get on my motorcycle and we started this thing where they would time me.

to see how fast I could arrive back at the house with four bottles of rose. Hold on. Am I finding my people? The final one was sub two minutes. It was like a minute and 45 seconds. I was back. And then I got back. I was like, I got to call it at that. I ran the red light. I was going 95 miles an hour on Franklin. I left the gate open so I could blow in. That's how bad we needed it. We sent an alcoholic to go pick up our wine. On a motorcycle. Can I tell you what I just discovered this year? Come

Campari Spritz. I don't know if I like Campari. I'm going to have to try it. Campari tastes a little earthier. So when I was a kid, there was a commercial, Campari on ice. Oh, so nice. And I remember going, ooh, I want to get into Campari as a kid. What is Campari? You had big dreams. Is that a brand or a type of alcohol? It's a aperitif, I think. And it's basically a liqueur, but it's got a very earthy taste to it. Two parts Prosecco.

Two parts Campari. Splash of soda water. Wow. I think you should make that tonight. I'm going to Sunset Tower tonight. And so maybe. Can I? OK. Can we start a game? Sure. Because once again, if you gamify life, this will be so fun. We got to do a three way text because I can't text. Great. It's creepy if I'm like, what are you fucking the old vice president? Mike Pence can't be in a room with a woman other than his wife.

Unless someone else is present. To be very clear, yeah. You are. I never. But we should do a group text. Group text. Where we text each other what to drink. Maybe we're emotional cheating in that. Maybe.

I want to be where she is. Yeah, you'd be like, oh, I killed her that they don't have that at my bar. Wait, what bar are you at? Yes. I had a very attracted female comic. She goes, you know, I really like you. And I was like, thanks. She's like, I feel like we connect. And I go, we kind of do. She was like, would you be my drinking buddy? Sometimes I want to go get a drink, but I don't want to get hit on. And I kind of just want to have a buddy that I can talk shit with and talk shit about comedy. Would you be my drinking buddy? And I was like, yeah. So one night...

I'm at home with Leanne. It's like eight o'clock at night. And I get a call from her. I go, hey, what's up? She goes, hey, I'm going out. You want to come meet me up? I was like, yeah, done. And I hit it. I go, hey, I got to go. She's like, what's going on? I was like, what's your name? She said, we're going to go out. And Leanne's like, are you on a date? And I go, no, it's just me and her. She's like, we're going to drink. And Leanne's like, hold on. You're not going out drinking with just a random woman. I go, it's not a random woman.

I've known her for eight years. She's my drinking buddy. We connect. I had to call her back and go, my wife won't let me come. Yeah. I'll tell you a person for real. She'd admit this. She'd make fun of me for saying this. Whitney Cummings and I have a real connection as comics, almost like brother and sister. She is really close with my daughters, really close with my wife. But I will tell you this, and this is my perspective, or more importantly, it's Leanne and her boyfriend, Chris's perspective.

If we go out on a double date, Whitney and I just take off on our own. We went to the Greek to go see Sturgill and both of them were looking at us like, are you guys together? Are we going to be here? And then we went to her kid's birthday party and Whitney and I just took off. Now, let me ask you this, though, because my wife is so grateful for that.

I have several friends that are female that I get on with like that. And my wife is like, oh my God, thank God I don't have to receive all of his energy tonight. It's on someone else's plate and he needs to talk so fucking much and I don't want to talk that much. She's like grateful for it. Leanne, uh...

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I'm trying to say like the first time Leanne saw me and Whitney hang out. And now Whitney is like a sister to me. And I mean that for real. My daughter's called her Aunt Whitney. You got her name tattooed on your back. Like you're bros. Yeah. We went to Dr. Woo. Whatever.

My wife's like, you can't ignore it because you guys are good together. So she's like, if you have a show, you need to hire her as your wife or your sister. You need to work together. Yes. She was like, but remember, your chemistry is just funny. She's like, if you fucked her, she wouldn't like it. Yeah. Don't get confused. Don't get confused. I really honestly love Whitney like a sister. So you text her, right? Obviously. You're not only on three-way text. I got to be honest with you. I bet it's a three-way text. Wow.

But you know, also I don't read texts. So like a lot of people go, if I'm going to text Bert, I'll text Leanne too. I guess the four of us could be on a text. No, we couldn't do it. It couldn't be one-on-one because it would turn into emotional cheating. Okay. All right. Okay. Then we can't do it. But I am going to have a martini tonight. So I am telling you now that is what I'm going to be doing. Okay. Let's play the game just live then. Yeah, live. Okay. Tell me what to drink and I'll tell you what to drink.

And this has got to be the first drink you have. Oh, this is a fun game. Have you had Fernette? I have. That's a... It's an aperitif too, I think. So my buddy Mark Smalls always has a shot of Fernette to start the night. Oh.

And it turned into a fun thing where we'd all have a shot of Fernette and no one really enjoys Fernette. But if you drink Fernette enough, you start to enjoy the fact that you don't like it. Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Get me on a new one. All right. It's a fun way to take the thinking out of it. Just walk up and go, shot of Fernette, please. You're already trying to limit the amount of drinks that you like. So the notion of making yourself like one that you don't like is really funny. But I'm going to do it. But okay, I'm telling you your drink and you should invite your wife in to do this. You should make this for both of you. No, it's just me and you. Okay, cool. Great. A bee's knees. Oh.

Don't even tell me what it is. Do you know what it is? Can I tell you? Kind of the fun of this is going, can I get a bee's knees, please? Oh. And then sipping it and going, oh, she knows me so well. Right. Okay, great. But do they know it everywhere? Yeah. If you go to a good place, they'll know it. I like a brandy Alexander and a pack of Palmo. Yeah, yeah.

Well, Bert, you're a goddamn delight. We really did it. Just like when I was on yours. We went for it. We went hard. I'm so glad that I get to eat my words and say I'm so happy you got into podcasting. Oh, thank you. I'm being serious, man. If for nothing, I've said this to you before, people have brought this up to me about what a great, great episode. I'm the same way, live by the sword, die by the sword, where I'm 100% honest. Maybe I'm over-honest. Maybe I overshare. But when you talked about falling off the wagon...

I remember where I was when I listened to it. I remember just how vulnerable it was and how cool it was to hear someone take accountability. And the conversation you got, it was just incredible. I think it was during the pandemic. And I was in the pool listening to it. Only real podcast listeners, us diehards, know the feeling when you've got a phone and you're just...

right there and you're with every word and someone's like hey can i get you hang on stop i'm in the middle of something and they're like what i'm like my friend dax fell off the fucking i know him so well just plus 16 years of sobriety yeah shut the fuck up it's crazy i said when i first met rogan i'd listened to so much of the podcast he invited me to do the podcast i went to his house i go i know this guy he's like my buddy and i never met him i was like hey hey man he's

He's like, it's good to meet you. And I was like, I know you. And he was like, what? And I was like, I need to meet your dogs. Let me see your deprivation tank. I want to play a game of pool. I want to get high. And then I'll be ready. I go, look, man, I'm a big fan. I need to get this out. It's an interesting, fun relationship. Podcasters and their listeners. Yeah. All right. Well, everyone check out Lucky. It's on Netflix. It couldn't

be easier for you to consume it's hilarious i really adore you i'm really glad that we got to do each other's shows i am too yeah you're such a sweet boy truly you're such a big old fucking heart in you and i love it i think it's just because i drink a lot no enlarged well it is probably enlarged but it's also very sweet all right so everyone wants lucky and we'll do this again i can't wait

He's an armchair expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here. She's gotta let him have the facts. I loved that show. So did I.

I loved it. I loved anything that was like inside, inside information into the lives of celebrities. So wild. Yeah. I loved Cribs and, you know, so nosy. I wanted to know how everyone lived, what their style was, how big their house was, what kind of cars they had. But you know what else was fun about Cribs is like they would do like an

An L.A. actor. Yeah. And they had like an OK house. Right. Anytime they were in Atlanta for like a rapper or a basketball player, everyone had like 10,000 square foot houses on acreage and then huge driveways full of cars. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's a lot more bang for your buck in other places. That's true. I wasn't thinking like that back then. You weren't. So I was just a little girl. Yeah. That's our age difference. How old were you when you were watching it?

It made you uncomfortable because so many of them were set up for partying. It was all about like... Okay, you don't even know me. Some of these places had dance clubs in them. I used to booty bump. You don't even... Not at eight. Okay, I think I was older than that. Let's see when Cribs came out. When was it? Uh-oh, that's not a good Google because you know what it says. You know who's got a great episode of Cribs? Maybe the best. Uh...

Rosenbaum. Really? Oh, yeah. He had someone like hiding under the sheets in the bedroom when they were looking at the bedroom. And then the guy jumped out of the bed. Mariah Carey also had one. Hers was infamous more than it was because she seemed a little unstable. She like took a bath during her episode. Yeah, there was. I remember a bath. If a guy did that, he'd go to jail probably. Not then. Yeah, you're right. OK, yeah. Premiered in 2000. Yeah.

So I was 12. 12. But you were a lot older. I was 24. I was ready to go to one of those nightclubs in the house. It is so crazy how age starts to mean nothing. But when you're young, it is, this is, this is just real proof that,

I'm older? No, no. That like these, when people are like, oh, it's not that big of a deal if like this 16 year old is what it is. Like when I think about being the age I was watching Cribs and then being 24. Yeah. Wildly. Wildly.

Who was your favorite? What are your favorite episodes of Cribs? Okay, I need to see. I don't remember. I'm going to do top 10 best episodes of Cribs. It's funny to me. Now, mind you, I got to remember, everyone that participated in Cribs was in their 20s. Pretty much. No, Richard Branson.

They did his island. Yeah. I remember that one. His private island. Yes. Ten best houses on MTV Cribs. Lil Wayne. Oh, my God. They did Beyonce? Oh, God. Lil Wayne. He has a plastic hot tub in the dead middle of his living room. A lot of athletes. Yeah. Mariah Carey in her bathtub. Shaq. That was Orlando. I remember Shaq's house. Yeah.

Tony Hawk. Russell Simmons. That was an older man. Oh, I saw that one. Yeah. Yeah. That's a huge mansion. And Wilmer Valderrama. Yes, he did. Oh, the Playboy Mansion did a Cribs. Aaron Carter. That's an infamous one. Yeah. 50 Cent. R.I.P. Right? Oh. I think so. That's sad. Yeah. Branson. Yeah.

Oh, I wish they'd bring it back. But anyways, once I- Would you do it? No, no, no, no. But I remember as soon as I owned a house thinking like, oh no, God, no, I don't want anyone to see where I live. So I don't have that. Are you going to do an episode when your house is done? Not of cribs, but I do. I mean- You would do architecture. The advanced version is architectural digest home tours, which I love. I love looking at them, but I wouldn't participate in one. You got a smell? Something's going on. Uh-oh.

had a smell in your nose. Did you cook fish in your apartment last night? No. Okay. As you're prone to do? Sometimes when you just get a smell in your nose, you can't get it out. Sure. I don't smell

I don't smell it on me. Uh-huh. But I was scared. I'm really panicked. This is, remember we learned some people's OCD is that they think they smell. Okay, they did 19 seasons of Cribs. Whoa! But there probably were multiple. There's three a year. Yeah, exactly. They had a break from 2010 to 2021. Okay, so 2010, yeah, so I could have definitely participated. I think I was even asked.

Yeah. As an MTB alumni. Yeah, exactly. You would have been perfect for them. But you didn't have like a bath. You don't have things. I had an average house. You would show your cars, I guess, your motorcycles. That's mostly what it probably would have been. And the posters of yourself. In the garage. Yeah. They're in the garage. Well, they were in the house, remember? Not posters. Bad, still bad. I can own it.

But a lot of stills from the movies. Well, is that even... Which are cool. Can I see one? What do you mean stills? Like there's an on-set photographer and there's a picture of me and Luke Wilson in Idiocracy in a scene. And I like the photo. Yeah. Yeah. And so I had a lot of... I don't know if that's that bad, actually. Yeah. Post-op.

I thought it was like posters. Is that it? I do have that photo, but that wasn't the one I had on display. Look at my hair. You, you look so little. You look just like Lincoln. It's crazy. But look at my hairdo. Go ahead. No, you just, I mean, I noticed this when we watched, um, when we did without a paddle, without a paddle, you just look so different. Yeah. Yeah.

Like your face has changed. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Like obviously everyone gets older, but your face is different, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I think my neck is a lot thicker, which I think changes the whole look of your face. Oh.

That's like one of the big things I noticed, like when I'm watching Parenthood or something. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. My neck was half the size of my neck now. You look different. Yeah. But is it bad? No. That I look so different? No, I don't think it's bad at all. Okay. Yeah, you look different.

Yeah, you're right. You look more like you. Yeah. Yeah. You just look. Because in Idiocracy, I was fat. Like I gained a bunch of weight really quickly. Yeah. Like 37 pounds. Yeah. And then this was months after.

And so now I'm like, I'm halfway back to me being thin, which I always was on Parenthood. This looks Parenthood. Yes, that's Parenthood. And I'm like 185 there. In Zathura, I'm probably like 200. And then in Idiocracy, I'm 220. Can you, Rob, pull up when in Rome? Oh, I look terrible. That's the closest to your current body, though. But nah, I was so thin. Like my way of getting...

Ripped then was the traditional approach, which is like, get really cut and you'll look big. So I was like 169, 170 for the like modeling shoot stuff. Yeah, you're real kelvin. Yeah, look at it. I look like I'm on Ozempic. Wow, you do look really thick. Yeah, I look Ozempic-y. I want to see a front face. Rob, can you pull up? This probably sucks if you're listening. You can start talking.

all this stuff. Yeah, and also go to YouTube to watch us. Yeah, like I look similar from a distance, but I'm so much lighter there. I'm a full 30 pounds lighter there. Your face looks...

My bottom lip looks super big because my face is so gaunt. Well, I think you're sticking it out there. I think it's just the light is interesting. Wow. Well, this is a real fun retrospective. Yeah. Well, that watch I'm wearing, this is a bad story.

I actually don't even want to tell. Wait, you have to now. Oh, God. Yeah. I don't really want to say it in public because people. Anyways. What happened? We were trying. I wanted to look douchey. That was my goal for this character. I was an underwear model. You were playing an underwear model. Yep. Yes. Really into himself. Yeah. And so when we had the meeting with like what kind of jewelry and watches I would wear. Yeah. They just kept handing me different watches. Mm-hmm.

And then they handed me the one I'm wearing in that photo. And I go, oh, my God, this is perfect. It's... You didn't like... I'm going to let you finish. Okay, yeah. Fill in what happened. Of course. You were like, this is perfect. It's so douchey. And then what happened? It was...

someone's personal watch that had taken it off and just handed it in the pile. No. Yes. And I felt so bad. Oh, my God. Why would they do that? I don't know. Because, yes, it was a little bit of a trap because we knew everyone in the room knew why we were doing what we were doing. And then it was just handed to me. And I was like, yes. Oh, I still at night think about that. I feel terrible about that.

Did he cry? It's kind of a cool watch, though, now that I'm looking at it. I was. Well, anyways, moving onward. Anyways. That is a horrible thing you did on accident. On accident. I know. This will happen. I have way more of those than most people, I think. Or at least no one tells me their stories about. No, I know. It's because you are. Very censored.

Correct. And I think you've gotten much more censored. Yeah. Yeah. So back then, of course, this is the douchiest watch. I'm puking. But wait, no, you remember you. You thought I was a lot, but then you watched.

Idiocracy. I mean, you watched Without a Pale and you said, oh, you still were sweet back then. Yeah. Isn't that your conclusion? But you had thought maybe I wasn't because I was using drugs and alcohol. Right. I just think, don't you think you've tamed instead of gone the other way over time? For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I tell less fight stories. Anyone who's been in your life for a long, way before me says that.

Yes. Yes. But I think maybe you thought I wasn't sweet back then, but I think I was still sweet. You were sweet, but I don't think, do you think you were like, I'm really, you, you just weren't walking through life feeling like I might hurt someone's feelings? Well, I wasn't thinking that, but when I did, I felt like this situation I still think about. Yeah. You weren't like, well, fuck it. 20 years ago.

And I'm like, oh, God, what a terrible. Did you say I'm sorry in the moment? Oh, yeah. You did? Yes. Oh, that probably made it worse. Probably. What do you do, though? What was I to do? You'd say. Actually. Actually, I don't even know if this is the right one because it actually is. It's pretty cool. I think an apology is better than like trying to lie at that point.

You're doing an about face. I do an about face. You would? Yeah. Yeah. Because I think they'll choose to believe the nice thing because it hurts to believe the bad thing. Do you know what I think of pretty often? I accidentally was, oh, God. It pains me to bring these up. This one's not going to bother you as much, but to me it's rough. But someone's wife had gotten a new car. Okay. And before we got to what kind it was...

I started making fun of the old RAV4. Okay. Because they look kind of like a Fisher-Price car, the old one. Because you're still doing it. It's crazy how it looks. Callie had a RAV4. We used to cruise around in it. I think it was the second best. I think I just read it's like the second or third best-selling car in America, the RAV4. You either had a RAV4 or a CR-V. You had a CR-V. Yeah.

I hadn't seen the new one. The new one looks way better. It's a very good looking vehicle. But I went on a little thing about how bad the RAV4 was. And then my friend said that's what she got.

And I was like, oh my, I felt so bad. And then I was like- This is worse than the watch. Look at that vehicle. That looks like a Play-Doh car or something. It's like a wind-up car. Yeah, a wind-up car. I stand by my aesthetic assessment of the old half-floor. That picture- It looks like something Ziggy would drive. Remember the cartoon Ziggy? Yeah. No, I don't. But that picture is meant to look- It was a very visual episode. Yeah, I know. Okay.

Okay, the RAV4, I have so many great memories of Cali's RAV4. Oh, it's a great car. Very dependable. Everyone who's currently in one right now, I love it. But boy, they had just gotten a new car and I was bagging that. That's bad. That was bad.

really bad and I felt bad and I still feel bad. Then I saw the new one and I'm like, I'm I love the new one. And I don't know if you could say that. Oh, you you said that. Yeah. So you did about face. I did.

And which was your recommendation with the watch. This one was actually sincere. And I think even the sincere version didn't work. Didn't work. Oh, do you feel bad enough to like get them a new car? Yeah. Yeah. If that would erase the whole thing for sure. And if I could buy the other person a new watch and erase it. Oh, no. I would do it. This is there's a whole gray area where like that would never make a ninth step.

NAA. Yeah. I'm not going to go making amends. Oh, well, bothering you. Well, and I said sorry on the day about the watch. But I just I just think about it. Yeah. And I would love to figure out how to not think about it. Yeah. That's how I feel about that girl. Which. Oh, wait. I kind of remember. With the mole.

It's the worst story. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We make mistakes. I know. We really do make mistakes. We really do. Speaking of children, we just came from the most life-affirming event. Yeah. The Rainbow Run. Delta had a Rainbow Run at her school. The Rainbow Run. She was so excited. She was up very early.

She wanted to do a top knot for her running. And she painted a rainbow on her cheek. Yes. I don't know if that was a transfer tattoo or painted on. If she painted that, that's really impressive. So cute. Right on her cheek, a big rainbow. Yeah. And she's in a little jumper. Oh, my God. And we watch her run around and...

And all the little kids run around. They basically run in a circle for 10 minutes each class. And then they've raised money per lap. Yeah. And I'm there to see Delta first, but really close second is Freddie because he runs like a gazette. Delta's friend, Freddie. Yes, who I want to adopt. Yeah, he's really a cool, cool kid. The coolest. I don't know how someone just born that way.

I know you, you like ran out there to high five him. Like you wanted his approval. Of course. And he high five me the first time. And then on the second lamp, I ran out and he, he ghosted me. You saw that. I saw, but I thought you were doing it to some random person. No, no. I was trying to get another round too. I got greedy with Freddie on another high five. This is always your problem. I know. That's my problem.

It's the nature of an addict. I liked it the first time. I thought, well, let's keep doing that until it breaks. Which in this case was pretty quickly. It was quickly. He had enough. Man, it was cute. But he did tell his mom. She told me that he said, I'm giving him a truck at some point. He's giving you a truck? No, I'm giving him a truck. Oh. Yeah, he has it in his head that I'm giving him a truck. Do you think Delta promised him that? And I said, fine. That's fine with me. All he's got to do is marry Delta and then...

He can have all my shit. This is such a common thing, I think, for parents. They like. They want kids to get married. Yes. They decide early they want their kid to marry this kid. Well, and I don't I want her to have like 20 relationships before she gets married. Yeah. I think some some parents want their kid to date from junior high all the way to adulthood. And I just don't think that's.

Very likely. Do you want to hear just the best story ever? Yeah. So Elizabeth and Andy went to elementary school together. They did? They went to elementary school. Andy was Elizabeth's first crush. Oh. She loved Andy, but Andy was like a punk. He was like a little punk kid. Okay, he's too cool. And he was into prints and like snowboarding. And she thought that was really cool and different. Yeah.

And then they, you know, Andy moved a couple of years later. Okay. To another town. Yeah. Yeah. And she didn't see him for, you know, 20 years or something. And she ran into him on the street in New York. No. And that's when they rekindled? Well, they never even kindled, but she was like. I like you. Andy Rosen? Yeah.

Oh, I like that story. Isn't that such a good story? It'd be like if you married Dairy Queen Guy. That's still an option. That is not the same. That'd be like if Andy was mean to Elizabeth. What if he came to you and said, I think about that.

Once a week. I feel fucking terrible. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I didn't know what I was saying. I was 12. I know you didn't. It's fine. It's really fine. And I liked you then and I still like you. Well, I know I'm not a dum-dum. I'm I am. Now I work at Dairy Queen.

Oh, I'm good. Oh, I would have been flipped. Really? Well, I can't be with you. Exactly. That's the real arc of this. Yeah. Okay. Circling back. Yeah. To the Rainbow Run? Circles? Yeah. Circling. So Rainbow Run it back. The Architectural Digest tours. Oh, yes. I would like to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I love those Architectural Digest. It's called like...

Open door. Yeah, I love those two. And I would never do one. Yeah. Well, Walton did one recently and it was so good. His place is gorgeous. It's gorgeous. Yeah, the Hunting Lodge in the Hudson Valley. Dakota Johnson. Is your food here? Oh, fuck.

Our coffees. Here, I can grab it. Okay. Thank you. Thanks, WAP. Yeah, I just love those. And I would really like to do it when my home is done. Okay, if you're listening to Architectural Digest. Look, I'm not a big enough person for them to want me to do it, but my home...

Is going to really be worth seeing. And I think you plus Nikki Kehoe. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like she there. It's them. It's it's Nikki Kehoe plus my architect, Bill. Bill Baldwin. They created like it's just incredible. Yeah, I think this could happen. Yeah.

So I would love for it to get some love. Yeah. Let's, if you're listening to Architectural Digest. I'll manifest it. Yeah. I think this could happen. I'm going to manifest it. I wonder if people ever reach out to them. I'm sure people do. Yeah. But I'm not gonna. Okay. I'm just going to hope and pray. I'm going to hope and pray. If you want it, this is like dating. This is like the hot guy. If you want to be in Architectural Digest, ask. This is the hot guy because I don't want to ask. I want them to come to me.

Oh, man. Yeah. You got to ask in life. Oh, hold on. We have a visitor. Mr. Rogers is here. Oh, knock, knock, knock. Oh, look at these cute decorative cups. Wow. What is what? Vanilla. Mine just has cinnamon. Whole milk and cinnamon. Yeah, well, I got to get my calcium in because of my bone density. Oh, right, because you hear Swiss cheese bones. I spoke to my mom the other day, and she said,

She asks me every other time I talk to her if I'm taking my calcium. And every time I say no, no, I'm not taking that. I'm not going to take it. So that's that. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. Oh, it's nice with cinnamon. I love cinnamon. What's your favorite spice? I like cinnamon.

Favorite spice? I like vanilla. I got vanilla. Yeah, you have vanilla. I can't taste the vanilla. I wouldn't. Well, I guess I'll call it a spice. Vanilla is not a spice? Not really. It's a bean. Here are your options. Thank you. I can't think of spices. Yeah, it's a weird question. I like rosemary in my pasta. Okay, yeah. Rosemary, oregano, coriander, cumin, thyme.

Lime, black pepper. You could go black pepper. Tarragon. Garlic powder, onion powder. Salt. Himalayan pink sea salt. Let's see if... Okay, I'll go cinnamon because that's the only one that I associate with being sweet. Even though on its own, it's not sweet, obviously. Salt is not considered a spice. I just am Googling most popular spices. Okay. Oh, no, this is already... Salt is the first one. Yeah. Ugh, AI. So this is the most used spice.

Yeah, most commonly used spices, but it shouldn't say salt if it's not. It's like, that's the green hats. This is the green hat riddle that we still haven't told on here. Okay, do you want to do it now? Nope. Okay. No. Black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, chili powder, cumin, cinnamon, ginger. I like taco seasoning. Yeah, well, that normally has chili powder, paprika, cumin, a lot of cumin. Cumin.

Salt, pepper. That's what I douse over my elk now. Oh, it is? I was wondering if you were still on your elk. Yeah, I made a big batch two days ago. Turmeric. Very good spice for you. Yeah. Very healthy spice.

Do you think people have turned it off by now? Yeah, I understand. I understand why. Can't fault them, really. All right. Well, Bert Kreischer. Oh, well, before I move on from Freddie, we have to give a shout out to Freddie's mom. Haley. Haley. But I like to refer to her as Freddie's mom.

Like Dax's mom. I just think it's so cute. Yeah, Freddie's mom. That is a good moniker. She is so nice. And we chatted with her. She's the coolest. Well, this is part of it. It's like, obviously, Freddie is cool because the mom is so cool and the dad is so cool. Is legendary. Yeah. So. The dad makes me nervous and is so good looking.

And all the students agree. Both of the parents are gorgeous. They're both gorgeous, yeah. And so obviously Freddie's gorgeous and cool. Yep. And he wears an earring. And he's got siblings. And he's got the cutest little sister you've ever seen in your life. He borrowed his sister's pearl earring today. To be faster. Listen, if I decide to have a kid with a donor. Yeah.

How many am I going to have to look through? I mean, this is like really... You can see photographs of them? I don't know about that. You should be able to. I think you can request... I think some you can, some maybe you can't, depending on the bank. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I mean, the press. Would you want Rob's sperm? He's very fertile. No, he has. Well, I mean, I would love to make a little Vinny. That would be my dream. But I can't ask anyone I know. OK. I have to go to the bank. OK. Actually, that's not true. I could ask someone I know, but no one I like see a lot.

Right. Because wouldn't you feel wouldn't both of you feel weird if both of if one of you get either of you gave me your sperm? Yeah. And then we were all hanging out and my kids there and it's your kid. Yeah, it would I would have to be involved. Right. Yeah. I couldn't just pretend like, oh, I donated. Exactly. And then that gets complicated for everyone.

Yes. I guess not. And as you know, I offered a friend sperm years ago, over a decade ago. They turned it down. They said, I would love that. We're going to try one more round. First, I asked Kristen, would you care if I, and we didn't have kids yet. So this is, I was like naive to what I thought. I thought I would just like, yeah, who cares? I'll give him the sperm. Be done with it.

They didn't. Thank God. Let's just say the parenting I totally disagreed with. It would it'd be crazy for me to be looking on the outside and not want to rescue. Yeah. So a child. Yeah. That's half me. Would be crazy. I'm so grateful that didn't happen.

But if I had if I had a kid that was half years and I was letting them go shopping every day. No more like what if you had a kid and you were really crazy protective and he wasn't allowed to do anything and he never learned to ride a bike. And he's like, that's more likely for me. That would be hard for me to watch. Wow. Big time. That's because I would go, this is this kid's like a he wants to be out there tackling.

According to you. Well, if it's half me, odds are. Yeah, you definitely can't be giving anyone your sperm. No, no. Yeah, this is good to know. But I only feel this way after having kids. Like if I was seeing Lincoln around. It wouldn't feel the same would be my guess. I don't know if like when I look at Lincoln, as you just said. Yeah. She has my face at that age. And if I was around her.

That would be hard. Oh, yeah. I'm forgetting you're a rounder. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It'd have to be a situation, to be honest, where it was like, A, I have a vasectomy, so it's not even an option. Yeah, exactly. But if we had a friend who wanted that and needed that, and we decided yes, I would be involved. Oh, yeah.

That would, Kristen wouldn't want that. Well, Kristen wouldn't maybe care, actually. Well, that's a lot on her. That would be a lot on her for you to then like kind of take on this other kid. Yeah, it's very complicated. If I reverse it, let's say, so she needed to give an egg to somebody. She gave an egg and then...

And she demanded to be in their life. That's what's tricky because there's a mom involved already. In my scenario, there's no dad involved. Oh, right. Well, no, let's say there's no mom involved. She gives it to a guy. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. OK. And then this guy. So Jess has a kid with Kristen's egg. Lucky him.

That would be a cute kid. Oh, yeah. Red hair. What would win, the tininess or the tallness? I think it'd be red hair and tiny. Oh, like Seth. Yeah, like Seth's kid. Yeah, I don't know how she would juggle it. I would expect her to want to be very involved in Jess's kid's life if it was her egg.

I mean, the whole family would just have to get on board. You'd have to get on board. It's like, this is basically our goddaughter. This is our goddaughter. This is our daughter. Well, no, because that's not... See, this is where things get...

But what if Jess wanted the child to have Kristen as the mom? Okay. But she kind of grew up like separated and you understood like, oh yeah, my dad's gay. So he got a donor, but that's my mom and I love her. Right. So that's one scenario. Yeah. And there's a more common scenario, which is that the dad or mom,

wants to raise their kid, like as they want to raise their kid and not then go to their donor and like co-parent. Unless it's their friend and they're already immersed in one another's lives. Yeah, but maybe like, you know, you know how it is with all the parents and stuff. You don't want advice or co-parenting from some other parent, even if you really like them. Like we all, we have a pod full of parents and I actually think this is a great thing about the pod is

I mean, of course people ask each other for advice and there's like conversations about parenting. But very little. But very little. People are parenting differently across the board. And that's great. And we're all...

Everyone's accepting of that. As close to nonjudgmental as you can get about it. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. So I don't think it would work if it was like, hey, Dax, just so you know, like, I think what you should be maybe doing with Lincoln is, you know. Yeah, no, it would just have to be with my time with the child. Yeah, that's hard on the kids. All right, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

I can't do it. And also I'm not doing it. It's not just you. This is an interesting question in general. I think so. I think it could be done though. Like, let's just say like there is a version where Kristen's egg was given to Jess and he has a little girl and they...

And she knows Kristen's her mom and she has a mom and she sees her mom a lot. Yeah, but maybe he's like, but then the baby might think, but that's it's hard for a kid. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. I think whatever you get is what's normal. I have no idea. Yeah. I think whatever you're raised in is standard and you don't think too much of it. What people do.

In with the sperm, when they get to choose sperm as opposed to choosing your partner, this is different, right? What you have the ability to do when you're choosing sperm is like you're kind of creating what you think is like the perfect person. Yeah. Mixed with what you know you're giving.

So it's like, you know, the good qualities you're giving and the bad ones. Yeah. If you if you're being honest with yourself, like I might be handing over these sets of things. So what I don't want to do to me, I was like, if you want a deaf, dyslexic alcoholic.

Look no further. This is me. Yeah, these are the genetics. No, but I mean, like, I guess I'm sort of... Don't you think you do want to attempt to level out? Yes, balance. That's what I'm saying. I'm not going to go get an addict egg. That's too much addict in the mix. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? Probably. I mean, also, of course, there are kids with two addict parents that are beautiful and wonderful and great. Yeah. In some ways, you. Yeah.

Your mom is an addict in some ways. Well, she's a love addict. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's what, like, there's... And I got both things. I got my dad. I know. My dad was a love addict. What am I talking about? Love addicts. You got it all. I got it all. You know? Yeah. So, and you're great. I'm largely... You're thriving. I'm largely great. We can at least agree that you're thriving and your life has worked out really nicely. So, like, you know, you don't... Partners don't do this, I don't think. I mean, sometimes they think through, like...

oh, this is a good partnership because they're like bouncing me out. But I don't think that's what a lot of relationships are. No, because I think you're not thinking of kids rightly. Exactly. Except I was. At 32, I was very mission driven. I know, but most people aren't. They're attraction driven. And then they decide they want to have a kid. And then you start thinking, oh boy, both of us don't clean the house. So anyway, it's just interesting. Rob, would you give your sperm to anyone?

- Yeah, I guess so. - In someone you know or? - Monica. - If someone needed it. - That's nice of you. - Yeah. - What about, but what if you saw them every day? - I don't think about, I mean, like my sister was a surrogate for a family and birthed two kids for them. - Yeah. That feels a little different. - But it wasn't her egg, right? - No, it wasn't her egg. - Yeah.

Yeah. I think a lot. It's just your personality. I think a lot of people can say like, oh, that's great. I'm just helping. Yes. And that's great. That is not my kid. Yeah. Your kid. That was the donor. We talked to an armchair anonymous who had like 100 kids. Yeah. He was just like, yeah, if you want to meet, let's meet. Like, I don't feel any connection or guilt that I'm not raising. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think anyone should feel guilt. Cause I would, I think the guilt will come if you saw that the kid wasn't being raised or struggling and then like helping would maybe come into question. Right. Uh,

All right. This is Bert. This is for Bert. Bert. Now, what animals are native to Germany? Because he's under the impression that they don't have any predators there. Any threats. Yeah. Sleep outside in the woods naked. There's a chapter in Schwarzenegger's book, Education of a Bodybuilder, where he and Franco were for a period in Germany weightlifting in the woods naked.

And they would have a barbecue and they would drink wine. And he said like old time gladiators. Oh my God. Yeah. Just imagine walking through the woods and you see two bodybuilders squatting naked with raw meat everywhere. Oh my God. Bottles of wine. Wow. Good for them. Yeah. Okay. Number 10, Chamois. That's like a goat. Okay. That's also kind of the name of...

The Shammy. Sham-wah. Sham-wow. Sham-wow. Good call. Okay, Red Fox. I think Red Foxes are so cute. I wouldn't be afraid to fight a Red Fox. I don't think you would either. I think you should because I kind of think I'm a Red Fox.

Oh. I'm not, am I? God. Well, hold on. I'm not. As soon as I said it, I knew I wasn't. I do think fox is an appealing animal to identify with if you're a woman. Yeah, because that's a. They're clever. They're athletic. Well, people call if you're hot, you say you're a fox. Foxy. Foxy lady. But I'm not. I'm just a chinchilla. Well, chinchillas are very cute.

Have you ever held a chinchilla? They're like the Armchair Anonymous leg guy. They're like jam. Oh, geez. No. Yeah, they don't have a rib cage. You see? Eight, greater horseshoe bat. Seven, bicolored shrew. True.

At least I'm not a bi- Am I a bi-colored shrew? There you are. No. No, no, no, no. I kind of look like that. That looks like a little mouse. Shrews are clever, right? They're supposed to be real clever. European badger. Now, that's a tough customer. You don't want to tangle with a badger. Well, except that its diet is made up of root tubers, large insects, carrion, ick, cereals, and small mammals. It eats cereal? Yeah, it's kind of cute. I wonder what its favorite-

He eats Captain Crunch. You're a small mammal, I just will add. So you should watch your... Because I'm a... I would way rather fight a red fox than a badger. Yeah, that's probably right. Okay, wild boar. Scary. European wild cat. Now, these are interesting because they're big, but they look like regular domestic cats. Yeah. And I find that creepy. I don't like that. I know. If I see a domestic cat in the woods...

I think a witch is nearby. Yes. Did a spell, made that cat huge. Or maybe is a witch and can transform. Harry Potter. Okay, European Pine Martin.

What's that? That is a family of badger, weasel, otter, and mink. Oh, okay. Wooded areas. They're found in wooded areas. Sharp feet. Fast runners. Both good on the ground and in trees. Fire salamander. Very scary. If you're barefoot. Poison glands. Oh. And alpine ibex. Ibex.

All right. So there's nothing I'm too scared of here. He was right. I'll give him that. He was right. Okay. Do the dealers in Vegas get to keep their tips or does it go to the house? Nevada laws...

This would be a bad arrangement for me. I would have a very hard time with this. You would not. If I saw someone with a shitty personality that was not kind to everyone, I'd be like, dude.

Dude, you got to brighten it up so we can get, we're pulling our tips. I'm over here bringing in 300 bucks. Learn some jokes. Do your hair. Brush your teeth. You know what? They should take Jess's class. They should. Because he's really changing the game over there. Yeah. He really is. People's tips are doubling. Yeah. He has all these restaurants. It's called the restaurant launch. And he has all these restaurants that he, yeah.

He like comes in and teaches them how to up their game and how to like really be a good server. That's awesome. Now, 10 highest grossing comedy tours of 2024. Oh, here we go. We should get Mindy on the phone for this. Mindy Kaling? Because she loves counting people's money. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is her and I's kind of list. Yeah, she wants this listed on people's houses. Yeah, should we call her?

No, she's busy. Let's call her. No. You're so scared. Yeah, I don't want to bother her. Don't bother her. We bother a lot of people. What are we going to do? Tell her about everyone's money? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Oh, you're so scared.

You're so ballsy. This is like the situation with the watch. I'll probably like, I'll regret this. Yes, and you're going to drag me into this? She's probably so scared to answer. I've never called her. I'm playing it so cool with her and here you are. Yeah, I'm burning, I'm lighting this bridge way on fire. She might be at her kid's rainbow run. Your call has to be cool. Yeah, she's not going to answer. All right. I feel really relieved. Okay, great. I'm just going to leave her a quick voice memo. Oh my God.

You're going to call back? No, I'm going to leave a voice memo. Monica's so up in arms right now that I have the audacity to call you. Mindy, I'm so sorry. We know you're very busy. I don't know why she did this. She claims you're too busy to take a phone call. But we were about to read the list of the top 10...

comedy tours, the financials. And I said, I need my friend Mindy here so we can count everyone else's money. Let's get her on the phone for this. And that's what happened. We're happy you didn't answer. Monica's very relieved you didn't answer. She thinks this might be the end of our burgeoning friendship. Okay. I'm sweating again. Yeah, that made you very nervous. God. You know, there's only a few people in this world who make me nervous. I know. She's one of them. Oh, you want to call Matt next? Yep.

Oh, my God. Hey, man, you want to know how much money all these stand-up tours are making? Okay. Here we go. Joe Coy, number 10. We're going to go in 10 to 1. Okay. Joe Coy, he grossed $26 million. He did 83 shows.

368,000 tickets sold. And he's been doing this for years. Oh, yeah. I wonder if he has a huge mansion somewhere. I'm sure. He should go on Cribs. Oh, they all should. They should. Yeah. The whole season should be top. Oh, they should. That's a good idea. Yeah. Okay. Number nine, Adam Sandler. He grossed $27 million. $27 million.

26 shows only. A million a show. 261,000 tickets. Gosh, good for him. Number eight, Jerry Seinfeld, another classic.

Two guys who have so much money and they just can't help but make more. They can't. 27.8 million, 36 shows, 199,000 tickets. So Sandler's making more per show than Seinfeld. That's interesting. Seinfeld must play smaller. I also think Adam Sandler is not as...

He's harder to get. Seinfeld does do comedy tours every now and then. That's true. But Adam Sandler, like, oof. Trevor Noah, number seven. 29 million. 29.7. 30 million. 94 shows, 392,000 tickets. Number six. Here's our guy. Here he is. Bert Kreischer. No shirt. No shirt.

29.7 million. Exact same as... Uh-huh. I wonder why they put him above Trevor. Well, because 64 shows. Less shows. Oh, less shows. Yeah. Pound for pound. 388,000 tickets. Wow. Number five, another friend of the pod, Sebastian Maniscalco.

Very enjoyable episode. Check it out in the archives. Yes. $36.5 million for Sebastian. Oh, I love it. 53 shows, 293,000 tickets. Oh, baby. Number four, Cat Williams. Now this-

Just let everyone know I read this list. Yeah. Like three weeks ago. Yeah. I think after we had Bert on, I got real nosy because I asked him how much is he making more on tour or from his podcast. Yeah. And when he said way more on tour, I thought, well, what is that number? Anyways. Sure. Cat Williams, I thought was we go on podcasts.

He blasts a bunch of people and be a very viral. Although somehow you didn't you didn't see his last round of viral. He did one interview that he just he lined up 20 people and just let him have it.

I had no idea he was the king of standup. Number three. I mean, I'm sorry, number four, number four. How much? 37.5 million. God, I want to see his house. 60 shows, 399,000 tickets. Oh, tasty. Number three, Gabrielle Iglesias. Sure. 42.8 million. Ooh, wow. 124 shows, 603,000 tickets. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Number two, Matt Rife. Matt Rife. This is the cute comedian. Yeah, he's younger. 57.5 million. God, what do you do in your 20s with 57? It's a lot. I hope he has so many dumb Lamborghinis and Ferraris. Oh, God. I hope he's giving to charity. Yeah. 256 shows. That's too many. That's every day. 733,000 tickets. Wow.

Wow. Number one, Nate Bregazzi. Nate. 82.2 million. 82.2 million. I want him to hit 100 million so bad. He will. For no reason. 148 shows, 1,100,000 tickets. Wow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Pretty cool. Okay. Are orcas acting up? Yeah. Yeah. They're ramming boats and... Getting wily. They're getting real wily. Now...

What's way more interesting is while I was editing this episode and we were at the orcas part, the orcas part was part of the SeaWorld portion of this episode where he talks about finding someone's ring at SeaWorld. Oh, yeah. Anyone. Because he finds everything. He finds things. But then we were talking about SeaWorld and orcas. And I'm in the middle of that part.

Listening and then email pops up. It's a request. It's an ad request for SeaWorld. Yeah, that's crazy. At the exact moment. And let's be clear, it's not an ad to come visit SeaWorld. It is a request for us to have them as a sponsor. Correct. Which your computer kind of listened to that and figured that out.

No. Yeah, that's really wild. That was such a glitch. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Okay. Now, what is Campari? Oh, I regret to inform you. I know. Okay. You told me that Bert did have the bee's knees. That night. That night. And loved it.

I know. Yeah. And I haven't done his yet. Yeah, you're not good at this pact. I feel bad. I feel bad. And then you were supposed to do it last week. I wasn't. I didn't do it again. You still didn't do it. I know. Tonight's a drinking night, right? Friday. Yeah, I could probably get some down. Yeah. Why don't you try it? But I'm going to be open because I want to do this for Bert. I just know I'm not going to like the Campari Spritz. Well, not with that attitude. Yeah.

I just, I don't even like Aperol Spritz, which everyone likes. And this is like a stronger, more bitter version of Aperol. But you know what? I'm going to do it. You never drink Jack Daniels, huh? No. No. But I drink whiskey. Okay. Just not Jack. Yeah. What about a Jack Ginger for you? But I don't like Jack Daniels. Well, you might with ginger ale. Well, why do I have to? Why can't I go with something fancy? Because it's the best drink. Okay.

It's the one I've drank the most of. Oh, you do ginger ale. Yeah, Jack Ginger's ginger ale and Jack Daniels. What about ginger beer? It's not my favorite. Really? No. Jack and Diet's the best taste, but you don't even like Diet Coke, so I don't want to start you there. Can I do like...

Do you shave your sides and start drinking Jack? I mean. I drink whiskey. I drink old fashions. Oh, what's your brand? Knob Hill or one of these? No, I like Four Roses. I like Blantons. Blantons? Yeah. I don't know about Blantons. Blantons is fancy. Is it? A lot of them have all come out in the last 20 years since I quit. Four Roses, you probably would have liked. It's really good. And it's better. Bourbon? Jack.

No, I like I like Jim Beam. These are classics. Yeah, you're going classic. That's right. Yeah. It's like Levi's jeans, you know, what America was built for. Have you ever had Woodford? Woodford Reserve. Very good. These are triggering names for me a little bit because they're they sound elite. They're trying to be like oak barrel whiskey.

It is. Call it a man's name. Jim Beam. Ew. Jack Daniels. No. Bill Rutherford. Mike Pence. Oh, my. What if Mike Pence had a. I could see it. He should have a. I could see it. A whiskey. Yeah, well. Actually, he should have a gin. No. Mike Pence gin. Absolutely not because I like gin. But you're going to love Mike Pence's gin. Jim. All right. Okay, that's it. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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