5th Badiversary w/ Chris Distefano & Dr. Phil
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Plus, enjoy zero delivery fees on your first three orders. Excludes restaurant orders, service fees, and terms apply. Hey! Oh my God. I'm shooting my special. Who's doing a special tonight? This week. This week, I mean. This week. This Friday and Saturday, the 21st and 22nd. Minneapolis, Minnesota. I am in your city this week. Come see me shoot my special. All but one are sold out. The late Friday show. Come see your boy. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com

To get tickets. And also... That's right. I'm Bains on Toast. Bains on Toast. Bains on Toast, London, England. We're coming to you. We're coming to London, England, July 18th. July 18th and Dublin, Ireland afterwards. We're going to London and Dublin. We're playing the OVO Arena in Wembley. No association to Drake. Yeah.

And then Dublin, Ireland on the 19th. We're playing the three arena arena. The tickets are our regular sale. Now they were artists presale and now they're on sale. Regular. So go to bad friends, pod.com for those tickets. Bad friends, pod.com. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? Asian. You two are disgusting.

I'm so sick I can't do the podcast but I can go to fucking Miami with Jake Paul. I'm so sick I can't podcast but I can go to Miami for Jake Paul. I'm so sick I can't podcast but I can sit on a five and a half hour flight to Miami for Jake Paul. I'm so sick I can't podcast. Jake Paul, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm so sick that I'm going to go to promotions for bad friends. Lie, lie.

Lie, lie, lie. I'm so sick that I go out of my way, right, to risk my life and my health and my family's lineage, right? Yeah. For my best friend. Your family's lineage is in jeopardy already. Don't even get me started, dude. This guy goes to Jake Paul's party for the Super Bowl and goes the day before, I'm sick, dude. We can't pod. And I said, are you still going to go to Miami? No answer. Yeah, right. He was there. Yeah, no answer. That's why he didn't answer. Yeah.

I'm so sick that I'm, I, I, I bow to the king. Jake Paul's the king? Yes. Jake Paul's the king. Let me say something right now, dude, right? You know, we're like, in Game of Thrones, dude, right? I went to the Lannisters, dude. Right? Right? When I'm just a peasant, I could get my head beheaded, right? I did it for our fucking, you know, farm.

White Walkers are coming from the north, right? And I risked my life and limb to go down there to bow to the king for us so that we could be saved. And he does this. Do you understand? Ring, ring. Hello, Jack Powell.

Dude. Oh, you need to meet in the Miami? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else gonna be there? Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Dude, I love stomping you. You fucked me up. You know that you weren't that sick. No, no, no. That's not it. And also, the night before was with a lady friend hanging out.

with a lady friend didn't get that sick went on a flight Jake Paul Miami okay um first of all our guest today is Chris DiStefano yay I like you I love you but when I say this right right um um

Lady Fred always trumps work. Yes. Don't you think? Lady Fred always trumps work. Did you bring us back any Celsius? What? Any Celsius? Yeah. I got it ordered. Does he have, Jake has something to do with that? No, they're prime. Oh, prime. Sorry. I didn't bring back any prime. Well, let's get that back because the joke doesn't work now. Do it again? Sorry.

Bring me in. Did you bring back any prime? Explain to us who was at the Super Bowl party. By the way, you hate football. Yeah. You look like football. You do have pigskin face.

Just in the face. I don't know, man. You look like a field goal kick football. Sorry. All right. Who was at the party? You look thin, though. You do look good. I'm being real, though. No, I swear to God. As soon as I came in, I said, you look thinner than I've ever seen you. I thought maybe you're on to Mozambique. He is. Are you? We go V. We go V. We go V? Bring up the photo of him from his Instagram he posted on the set of

Theo's movie. You look good. No, you really do look good. Everyone I know is like, bro, is Bobby losing crazy weight? I was like, yeah, dude, he's on it. There it is. No, no, no. It's the next one. He's standing up. Look at that, dude. Wow. Skinny. You look good. Look at my belly, dude. Oh, I mean, it is compared to David. Yeah, David Spade does look like he has the hiv. You look good. And if honestly, if I just blacked out the face with that hair and that outfit, you look exactly like my aunt Colleen. Yeah.

Shout out, Colleen. You look literally exactly like my Aunt Colleen. Dude, I'm already drowning on this podcast. No, it's like the nom, dude. It's like I'm just being pelted, dude. This is Hamburger Hill. What?

I'm on Hamburger Hill. There's no right way out, man. What side would you fight on in Vietnam? You're on Hamburger Hill. South. No bun. No bun. Protein style. Yeah, protein style Hamburger Hill. Wait a minute, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do look fantastic in this photo. You look thin. You look good. Are you being real? Your skin looks good. Yeah, man, you look good. David Spade looks even better.

He always looks that way. He looks even thinner. He's twiggy wiggy. He's so skinny, man. He looks like he has Siskel and Ebert jaw cancer. Oh, my God.

You know Spady's never, he never overeats. He never has a bad month. I've never seen him go, dude, I got to cut back. Like you and I have phone calls where it's like, buddy. You called me, Santino called me and he didn't know that Jasmine was in the car. He called me and told me that he had to get back in shape because he was on the road so much and he looked at himself in the mirror naked at a hotel room on the road and he started crying. Yeah.

And my girl heard it. Dude, I got out of the shower. I saw my stupid little ugly pale body. They had one of those big mirrors right as you got out of the shower. And I looked at it, started crying. Yeah. Instantly was like, look at my little penis, my pale frumpy body, and just bawling. I was like, I got to go to the fucking gym, dude. Yeah. I just sad fat. But on the road, you're eating. You're not sleeping right. Like you're traveling. I couldn't get the head of my dick out of this tube. What? What? What?

What do you mean? Oh, shit. What do you mean? Here we go. What tube? What? What do you mean? Well, the tube is the stem. The shaft. Oh, it went in. Oh. Yeah, but I couldn't get it out. Right. It was like gum or something in it. You're not circumcised? I am circumcised. Wait. That's the tragedy of it all. That's the tragedy. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. It was like a turtle, right? His head couldn't get out of the shell. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Stuck. Right. So then I had to do a thing where I was like...

And it made a sound like, and it came out. And then I held it with my two fingers so that it wouldn't like, you know what I mean? Dry that way, you know? Yeah. But look there, you could see, you got, I don't know why I just shared that information because

Because you guys were sharing about being naked in the mirror and stuff. This is what happened to me. I'm drowning, dude. I'm drowning already because it attacked me so badly. You never look good in a hotel mirror. It's disgusting. Also, by the way, you're not drowning. And if you do remember Vietnam, you guys ended up winning.

You know what I mean? Stalemate. Stalemate. Right. But that's a win. If a tie is a win, are you going to tie with the United States? That's a win. Yeah, man. You love soccer. A tie is a win. Yeah, I guess a tie is a win. Yeah. A tie is a win. Well, you know, when you both come, it's good. Yes. Yeah, that's true. Right? Sometimes you come, right? And the other person doesn't come. That's right. Right? And then you're like, I'm tired or whatever. That's most of my sex life. Yeah. Your wife. Mm-hmm.

Muy bueno, por favor. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If she was, I tell you. If she had a cock, right? You'd be in. I was so nice to her at the Hulu party. Yeah. Was I not? 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't like your face. Why? You'd think I was going to be too nice. I wasn't hitting on her.

No, she doesn't care. I was just looking at her and I go, she's so beautiful. Yeah. You know what I mean? Very nice, very bueno. She is gorgeous. Yeah, she absolutely is. You got everything going for you. You got everything going for you. Watch this transition. Look at this. Yeah, yeah. Special out on Hulu. The guy is playing Madison Square Garden. Madison Square Garden. September 11, 2020. On 9-11. That's what it is. Really? Really.

Now, are you donating any of the proceeds to FDNY? If we can get ticket sales above $7,000. Yeah, okay. Anything under that, I'm going to have to keep from... Poppy's going to have to keep that. Now, do we get spots on that show or what? Yes, you should. 100%. Not being real. Do we get spots on that show? If you guys... I swear to God, if you were in New York, you could absolutely...

come do spots as long as I could promote you. 100%. No, I'm kidding, kidding. Tickets are going good. Tickets are going good. Stay positive. September 11th, a memorable day for New York City. Yep. Are you nervous that if you don't sell out that you'll look like a tragedy? Like that.

That's if you don't sell out the garden. And there's me running away. I was going to say, yeah, there's Bobby. That's like a burglar from the 1920s. That's the Hamburglar Hill. Yes. So, no, I'm not nervous because it's just been a dream of mine and it's going to be good. And they say President Donald Trump might come. Seriously? Well, because all the presidents always go.

Right.

Wow. Yes. Does he like you? Does he know you? You guys know each other? Son knows me. Trump Jr. Wow. He said, he said, he never told me anything about his dad. When everyone was, when everyone was getting Trump on the pod in New York and out here too, they, they offered, they said maybe he would zoom in with me. So I said, I can't, no, no one wanted to do this. No one did? No. AOC, can we get her? Yes. You should get her in and I'll come run in and smell the seat. Yeah.

AOC, let's talk about her, right? In a club. Pass. You're in a club. Would you go, sir? I mean, look at my family. Oh, yeah, yeah, you would. In that weird way. That's what I want. If you're from any U.S. territory, I want to have sex with you. That's what it is. So I like girls from the U.S.,

Puerto Rico. Any trips to the Gulf of America coming up for you? No. Swim in the Gulf of America? No. If you look at the map, I think they changed it on Apple Maps. There's no way. They did? Yeah, look. Only in the U.S. Yeah.

One of our boys in the group chat posted, like they posted it on Facebook, Gulf of America, like proud, like look at this, whatever. And then he didn't realize when he sent the screenshot to the group chat on Facebook, there was a comment from like this gay guy that was like, haven't seen you at the bars in Long Beach, big boy. When are you coming back? Who do I send it to? Carlos. Carlos. All right, I'll send it to you, Carlos. We will die in laughing when you just get caught being a bitch.

I think Gulf of America, I like them wanting to buy Greenland. That's a good one. What are we going to do with Greenland? Canada. It's just another. Oh. I don't know. What could we do there? Hot Topic headquarters. Yes. Is that where it goes? No, I want to do one there. We took over Greenland. What shops should we have there? In Greenland? That's pretty smart. Let's do it. What shops would we have there? What would we do? Hot Topic, many. I'll be a CEO of Hot Topic there. Yeah. Okay. Woo Woo Women. Yeah.

Yeah, I like that a lot. Auntie Annie's pretzels. Ooh, yummy. Panda Express. Gotta be there. Yeah, because they're Eskimos. Could we throw in a Sbarro? Yeah. Sbarro. Sbarro. What is Sbarro? It's the best mall pizza in the world. Oh, I thought it was a car. Guess who'll be the fashion designer for Hot Topic? We've got a brand new fashion designer. Guess who it is? Who? Kanye. Yeah. Yeah.

Have you seen his website? Have you gone to Yeezy.com? Did you see a Super Bowl commercial? Bro. Oh, look, they're blocking the site now. Oh, God. Really? It's down. He was selling T-shirts. Do you know this for real? Tell me everything. Dude, I'm not joking. We can Google it still to find it. Is it right wing? He was selling a white. Oh, yeah. I'd say it's right wing. Whoa. He was selling a T-shirt with just a swastika on it. A white T-shirt. $20. Right.

You gotta be fucking, no. I swear to God. Oh, that's why I saw Jewish people wearing the same symbol but with a flick off. Yeah, it's a Kanye. He paid $8 million to do a Super Bowl commercial in certain regions that he just filmed on his iPhone from the dentist's office. Yeah, he was sitting in a dentist's chair. Yeah, but doesn't somebody own that brand already? The swastika? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Hitler, I think they're licensing it. Who has happy birthday? Hitler.

Hitler, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has happy birthday and he has a swastika, no? Right. Can't they sue him? He probably... That's ours? It's probably in court right now. You know, he also owns the black happy birthday. Oh, I don't... Let's sing it. Happy birthday to you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy birthday. He owns that one. That, yeah, yeah.

He owns them both. Yeah, I like that one. I love all black, like Merry Christmas. Yeah, what is that? Well, I think Jingle Bells is good, right? Black Jingle Bells. What is that one? I don't remember. Yeah, you do. I think you know it. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.

Really good. No, that was bad. Cut that part out. I committed my fucking throat crack. It didn't sound good. Why'd you set me up? Do you sing Black Jingle Bells? Happy Kwanzaa to you. Happy Kwanzaa.

Well, shout out to Kanye selling shirts with swastikas on them, dude. What are you doing? He says that it's the Hindu symbol. Is that what he said? Not the Nazi thing. He said it's the Hindu and that we're all assholes, that he's just sending a Hindu symbol for freedom or peace or whatever it is. If you had a record company, would you sign them? Yeah. No, be real. No. No. You wouldn't. I guess you're a startup.

You're a startup record company? Yeah, yeah, record company. I would. You have no band, singer, you have signed nobody. You have no money. He's the guy. And you're like, he goes, yeah, I'll sign with you. Would you sign him? I would. I could separate the man from the art. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would probably buy the Cosby show too. Just make the backlog of it. Just do it all. I support black-owned business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly right. Cosby, Kanye. Yeah.

I got every Diddy. I got Diddy fucking oil. Yeah. When I went on the website, I was like, there's no way this is real when it was still up. And sure enough, it was there for $20. But I have empathy for him. You do? Well, he's definitely going through some mental illness. Okay. You only get one of these. No, no, no. He's done this too many times. No, dude. He's done this way too many times. Wait, wait. So-

But he hasn't addressed his mental illness. You get one Nazi explosion. No. You get one. Where I come from, you get six. You get six Nazi explosions where I come from, okay? So it's like... Where I come from, you can't even buy a condo unless you've had a Nazi explosion.

Right, right, right. Yeah. All these shirts, if we traced where they went, they all went to Staten Island. That's it. But there's no empathy there? I mean, let's be real for a second. Well, I get what you mean, but I agree with Andrew in the sense that if this was the first time he ever did this and he came out of left field, he'd be like, okay, let's get this guy to the hospital. Yeah. But this is like the 30th time he's done something like this. He is a genius musically, though. Sure. Yeah. Just like Hitler was a genius in speech, in free speech. Right. Right.

But do you think that his mental illness has something to do with his talent? Huh? Like the reason why he, like he's accessing things as, I don't know much about mental illness. No, no. Yeah. He's gone. He's gone. I think this is him grasping for reality and grasping for relevance because he is so lost. He thinks this is how I get pop, get a pop again.

Dude, he did. He bit into the system. He dated the most famous woman in the world, made a family with her. And then when he realized that he wasn't really making music as much anymore and no one cared about his music because other artists overshadowed him, he was like, well, I need another pop. So he does this just to make noise again. So someone goes, so we're doing this. Kanye, Kanye. So it's out again. Yeah, that's what it like. That's what he had his girl dress in that like naked see-through lingerie.

On the red carpet. Yeah, he trolls her around naked. Look, open that up again. Look at that. Wait, go back. No, no, no. Go back, Carlos. This is DeStefano's buddy's post. So he posted Golf of America. Yeah. And then zoom in. Mark Elias wrote, bring your beautiful butt back to Long Beach. There's a short handsome man there.

And we've always thought this guy may be kind of gay. And then so we said, hey, what about that? And then he just hasn't responded. That's so funny. Because he thought he was just sending the Golf of America post. Wow. What a dick. Yeah, no, Kanye went. He went. He went nuts. And then he wears this see-through lingerie shift with his girl on the red carpet. And that's what I'm going to wear on Kimmel tomorrow.

Are you doing Kimmel tomorrow? I'm doing Kimmel tomorrow and I forgot. I don't have an outfit. I'm just going to wear this. Just wear that. Are you a stand-up or just a guest? No, just a guest. Oh, cool. I'm promoting my special on Hulu. It comes out February 21st. Oh, that's amazing. Andrew's got a special coming out. I know. Him too. Oh, and Bobby. And guess what? And hey, guess what? They won comic a month. Won comic a month for 12 months. And guess what they gave me? Black History Month. God bless. That should tell you something.

They believe in me to get the black vote, not Roy Wood Jr. They believe in me. When has Roy's come out? It already came out. It came out already. Yeah, so they could have easily just given. They could have switched you guys. Yeah, but they could have given me my month, January 6th, and instead they gave it to Roy. They did a reversal. They did a reverse. Roy came out in January and I came out in February. They're trying to break the norms. That's fine. And I like it. I like it. I like it a lot. I like it.

This guy's excited. He gets to shoot his special at the end of the year. Ooh, where are you going to shoot it? I don't know what's going on. Where are you going to shoot it? San Diego, I think. Has to. Yeah? Got to shoot it at all. Why? San Diego? I'm from there. I was born there. I was raised there. I've been a little stressed out about it because I've never done the special, so I'm kind of trying to map it out, but it's hard. You should shoot it at Poway High.

Yeah. I think that'd be the coolest thing in the world. Really? At the school that didn't put you in the Hall of Fame. You should shoot it on Hamburger Hill. Oh, in Vietnam. Yeah. Whoa. That'd be sick, dude, with one of those big straw hats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Poway High, we should shoot it in the auditorium. Somebody asked me, do you have a theme? Do you have a theme? No. What is it? What do you mean a theme? Someone's like, well, do you have a theme of your podcast? Your special. I go, I need a theme. No, I take my fucking clothes off and I dance around in my underwear for my closer. That's what I do.

Yeah, I feel like, is that an attack? No. Yeah, I think that's an attack, dude. You have yellow teeth. I do. You have yellow skin. That's true. I do have yellow skin. Touché. Thank you. Touché, my friend. I think you should, remember when I first met you?

When I first met you, you still were wearing those like boxer, those tighty-whities. Oh, yeah. I think you should have a big, huge pair of underwear on stage, like stained underwear hanging like a massive one. And you're in the bald sack portion and you come out of it. It's me. That'd be sick. Oh, wow. That'd be sick. Yeah. I met you used to wear tighty-whities. Yeah, I know. I kind of. You still do? I don't know what I'm wearing now.

When I met you, you did. Yeah, sure. See, you look good. You really do. Wow, look at your fucking junk, dude. You have a really, like, a relatively big penis and big balls. You have a big package overall. Well, God bless you, sir. You're like optimum. God bless you, sir. No, you really do. And you're always very nice to me. I remember when you took me out for sushi in New York. You were always very, very nice to me. Well, you know why? Why? And I have a saying. I'm going to make it up. Go ahead. When you see brethren...

No, no, you got it. Thank you. Can I get it?

When you see brethren with two peas in a pond within each other, you have to really big. Yeah. Good. Right. Thank you. Don't you think though? Thank you. But don't you think guys, I remember the very first time, put that as a shirt. Yeah. I remember the very first time I met Bobby, we met on the Opie and Anthony show and he was very nice to me and he sat down and took me out, um, right after the Opie and Anthony show and talked to me about comedy and how this is really hard, uh,

venture to do and and congratulations for getting into it all and and all this serious talk when just moments before i'm talking about maybe 15 minutes before he was eating bull dick on opie and anthony they had bulls penis and he was taking bites out of it and then he was telling me to take comedy seriously 15 minutes later at a tj a friday oh yeah i remember i remember yeah yeah everyone in the almost everyone in these photos are dead yeah wait wait really vick oh

Oh, yeah. Carl, unfortunately, whoever that top magician guy is. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure he's dead. Yeah. That top magician guy, were you in the room with us when this top magician guy on Opie and Anthony? I don't remember. So I forgot what his name was. But anyway, he has this trick where it's like a magical card trick or whatever, and then you're blown away, and then you're like points over there, and the card was like

on the wall outside the studio and so and this is like his trick but he's got like someone who helps him do it whatever and like it's all distractions and club soda kenny you guys know club soda love it right club soda kenny who was like the security guard for opening anthony forever because he just doesn't like that shit in while we were all distracted over here club soda kenny saw the helper put the car to the wall club soda kenny

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Just Google World War II Japanese propaganda American. Look at the faces that they used to make on these people. I hope we can find them. It's fucking insane. I mean, this is one of them.

Bro, little kids posters. That's the most interesting photo. Look at that. I can't even look at it. You, wow. Look at what it says. Jappy's so happy when this happens to you. Oh my God. It's so racist. Give me another one. I love them. Yeah, it's so, what does it say? Watch out for the driver? Those are fine. Dude, that's insane. That's insane, dude.

Jappy's so happy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, they have so many. Don't blab. Lose traps, help the Japs. That's what it is. Lose traps, help the Japs. So don't. Go down. Go down a bit. Yeah. Jesus Christ. There's a bunch of them. Oh, my. What's with the teeth? Yeah, that's what they would do. Well, they all got veneers early on. Yeah. Yeah.

Is that Joe Coy? Look at this. This is their big slogan. Open trap, make happy Jap. Oh, my God. Wow. Jesus. Oh, did you ever see that from the 80s, that German commercial? Oh, my God. What was this? This is the enemy. He's carrying a passed out white woman. Oh, my God. It's brutal. Yeah. Or just recently in the 80s, there's that German commercial. It was going viral. German commercial about washing a Chinese person. Oh, I saw that. You ever seen that one? Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy.

I don't know if we could play it, but it was nuts. Oh, my God. Tokyo kids say... The kids get bigger and bigger. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wash up early, rush outdoor, give Jep time for win war. Mm-hmm. Wow. Jesus. That's how we used to roll. I'd like to meet this artist. Yeah. Does he do flyers? Can he do bad friends flyers? Yeah. Can he do... Yeah. Oh, that's okay. That's my dad. That's what it is.

Oh yeah there we go The propaganda stuff is By the way people are going to look back in 100 years Look at our propaganda We just don't know ours yet No no explain Well we gotta have propaganda shit out there that's so digital Under the radar we don't even know it's happening You know what I think is a big thing like that we're doing right now Top gun Wouldn't that be considered propaganda for the military

Top Gun, the movie? Yeah, like even the Navy gave Tom Cruise an award this year. But not the new one, the old one maybe. The new one's just fodder. No, the OG one was... The new secretary of... The minister of defense, whatever his name, the guy from Fox wants the Top Gun people to do the commercials and everything for him. Really? Yeah.

Really? Well, the movie was great. Right. It really was. It was so good, dude. Yeah. It was so good. Top Gun was, I went into it being like, is this going to be as good as Top Gun, the original? It was just as good. Maverick was so good. It was incredible. It was so good. And by the way, less gay, because the first one, the thing I loved the most about it was all the gay stuff. Oh, yeah. And they took that out. Yeah. They took out all the gay stuff. I would be edging myself every time the shit

The plane went up? Before they could pass out, I would just fucking... You would nut as soon as they broke the sound barrier? Yeah, that was me. As soon as they broke the sound barrier. I mean, this was a gay love story. It was. We've talked about... What, cop up...

Top Gun was? Haven't we talked about this? This was a gay love story. I never talked about it with you. It's 100% a gay love story. It's an unrequited gay love story. I never saw it. That's why it's called Top Gun. Yeah. I saw Maverick. I didn't see the first one. Bottom Gun. Bottom Gun. You never saw the first one? I saw Maverick, though. It was good. Wow. I'm shocked you never watched it. Tell me about the gay story. Well, I mean, look. They have these beach volleyball scenes, and it's also this love relationship between Maverick and Goose, right? No, and Iceman. Yeah.

And it's like this beautiful, like unrequited love story. They can't be in love. So he's got to pretend to like that girl. Oh, I saw this. Right.

I remember. He doesn't like that. Could you imagine that girl, the woman who was like in the first Top Gun? She just got so old and out of shape that they just couldn't put her in the second one. I know. What was her name? They had to replace her with someone else. That's got to feel awful, though. She still looks great. No, there was another photo that's not. Find a different one. There was one photo I was like, what? Oh, yeah, I mean. It doesn't look bad. Is that the girl that wrote Harry Potter? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. God, she was a dime, dude. I remember watching that being like, whew. The amount of movies that Tom Cruise made that I jerked off to. Like Jerry Maguire. I used to jerk. I had that VHS. All day. That first- When Cuba Gooding Jr. comes out naked. Yeah. Give me the money, Jerry. The money is like-

He's like, I'll air dry. I'm like... My favorite was Rain Man. Oh, love it. Come on, Dustin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I jerked off to that. Jerk off to that. Kmart sucks, right? All fucking day, dude. Yeah. Love jerking off to that. By the way, I just re-watched Tropic Thunder. So good. I just watch it. Just traveling again. Maybe one of the best movies. Like, maybe one of the funniest...

funniest movies I've seen in years. Can I give a confession? I've never seen it. What? What? Oh, you gotta watch it. I gotta watch it. I'm gonna watch it in blackface. He was so good in it though. Oh yeah, he was great. He was great in that, yeah. Oh, Tom Cruise is the best. The guy, did you see his, during the Super Bowl, he did like one of the intros or whatever, whatever that was for the pre-tape, you know? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, this guy, he's just saying a beautiful script and I'm in. He's just saying

He's the last movie star. And he grew his hair out. His hair looks exactly like Bobby Lee's hair right now. I don't know. I think Timothee Chalamet is going to get there. No, this guy's the last original movie star. Tom Cruise is the guy. I know, but eventually... You think Timothee Chalamet is the future? He is, he is. But I don't know that you can have...

A-list movie box office success like Tom Cruise had. I don't know if any of that will ever happen again. I really don't. Google Tom Cruise total box office. And look at his hair. Let's take a guess. Hold on. Tom Cruise total box office. I'm guessing he's upwards of. Billions. Yeah, I was going to say five or six billion. Yeah, I was going to guess $8 billion for total box office success. Across everything. Go ahead, McCone. What is it?

$12 billion. Wow. I got close to what I went. That's insane. A kiss from Fancy. Oh, great. Love it. Hair kiss. You mean again? Dude, $12 billion. Wow. Look, no shot at Chalamet. He'll never reach that. Only because the box office isn't earning like that anymore. That's what I'm saying, though. Relatively, though. Sammy Jackson is still topping the charts with $14 billion. What? Robert Downey, $14 billion. All the Avengers movies. Yeah, you got to remember. These are the franchise.

Oh, Zoe Saldana. If you took away the superhero films. Tom Cruise is the only one. Right. And Tom Cruise is in no suit. Well, arguably, he is the original superhero. Right. Right. It's hard to. He is.

But it's not a family franchise the way that Avengers is. Avengers or Avatar. Yeah. Avengers or Avatar, another gay shit. Okay. There it is. Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen. Harry Potter and Two Girls, One Cup. Yeah. Seen them. Been there. What's up, Bob? Drew? Chris?

Dr. Phil. Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome Dr. Phil to the show. He just popped in. That is unexpected. Had to put my tie on. Last time, I want to be clear. Can I get some more juice in the headphones, Bob? What's his name? The kid with the syndrome? What's his name? Whatever you want to call him. Yeah. What does your mom call you? Fancy.

Huh? Yeah. Why? You look like a Make-A-Wish kid. Wow, you're coming in aggressive. I love it, Dr. Hicks. Well, last time I was here, I was riding a gummy, a THC gummy. Yeah, yeah. I think we can cut to a clip. Great. You don't have it? Okay. Well, last time I was on a gummy, and I felt like I didn't bring it. Even though the episode, I know, got some downloads. Hell yeah. And some uploads.

But...

I just wanted to be more myself today. Good. Yeah, good. Good to see you. Dr. Phil, great to see you. Are you someone that dabbles often in THC gummies? I try to. One time I took 80 milligrams of THC. I thought it was CBD, though. I was having some. My apnea machine didn't work, and so I popped in what I thought was CBD. Next thing you know, I'm taking my hoodie off, and I got stuck in it for four hours. I thought I was going to fucking die. I watched 19 episodes of Naked and Afraid. Okay.

Fancy, I know you like that show, right? Yeah. Hell yeah. Dr. Phil, I want to let you know, I don't know if you're aware, you probably should be, and you're very worldly and knowledgeable. I like to be on the internet as much as possible. I know, I heard. Our good friend Chris DiStefano here sitting next to you. Love you, big fan. I know you guys know each other. He's playing Madison Square Garden in New York City on 9-11. Boy, that... Yep.

910 was taken? Yeah. But you know, here's what I love about you. That's like fucking your ex in front of your wife on Valentine's Day. Yeah, that's what I did. That's what I did. And it's 9-11 that the tickets are on sale. The pre-sale code is Hamas. We'll be right back.

That is a great, first of all, I'm a big fan. I'm sitting here with three of the best comics working today, but The Garden, that's, you know, I once got a handjob in a secret garden. Oh, yeah? Well, it was the movie, but I was 15, you know, TMI, YOLO, fuck. No, I just finally got 910 was taken. That was funny.

I knew a couple that got married on 9-11 because it was cheaper. Like no rabbi or priest wanted to touch anybody or do a prayer because they thought it was an inappropriate day. But, you know, time, you know, we've moved on. Dr. Phil, I heard there's a rumor on the Internet that you're converting to Judaism.

Well, look, most rumors are true. Yeah. Remember when there was that rumor that Tom Hanks was snorting ibuprofen in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese? I heard that. Yes, I remember that. Well, you guys are good at improv, but...

But my favorite... Oh, hey, guys. Well, we did say yes. Yeah, yeah, we said yes. That's what I'm saying. We're yes-sanding. Yeah, that's what fucking improv is. Bob, I love you. And about that rumor, Andrew, is, look, I've been to quite a few bar mitzvahs, only a few bat mitzvahs. I'd like to get more bat mitzvah invites in 2025, but have I been to a circumcision? Yeah. Have I fucked a fat Jewish gal? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Have I had a Kegel or Kugel? Kugel? Cougar? Well, I've had Cougar, but Kugel is the noodle. It's a Passover food. It's a Passover. Oh, yeah. It's the Jew food that's like squishy fish. Oh, Kugel. It's like lasagna for Jews. I said Kegel. We'll edit this out. I meant Kugel.

So I've done it all. So I figure why not just jump in to the deep and without a life preserver. I've swam with sharks. I've done a dolphin mating call just to impress a girl that I thought was a guy. What's it? We'd like to hear it.

The dolphin mating call? Well, this will be the first time I've ever done it live. So apologies if it's not spot on. But basically, it was a girl that I thought was a guy. And my friend said, you know, he's really into dolphins. Dr. Phil, hold on. I'm going to be a dolphin. I'll be a male dolphin. I'll be a female dolphin. Oh, I love this. Okay. Because I can do that. So, okay. Yeah. I have the ability to like, you know, trans, you know. No, I've seen the dictator. You've got range. What? Not trans? No, I didn't say this. Okay.

So let's just take it back a sec, Bobby. Whatever. Okay. Yep. Can I just? Okay. Ready? Right? Okay. That's it. That's it. How good are we at improv now, Dr. Fitts?

I would actually love... Dude. We should have an improv group, dude. Amazing, dude. Here we go. We'll be the name of our... If this was the foursome, and by the way, people would come watch this foursome, okay? Whether it was to change a light bulb or put our fingers inside of each other or take a suggestion from a crowd. I think it should be called Doctor's Orders. Oh, my God. Nice. Doctor's Orders. We'll come out in lab coats. You do a dolphin. I think... You do a dolphin. Yeah.

Okay. No. This guy's never seen a dolphin. Never seen a dolphin before in your life. That was a kid being trapped in one of those Nordstrom, you know when kids used to hide under the clothes? That was the kid calling for his mom. Shut up, Bobby. Shut up. There was a kidnapper under the clothes trying to cover. Go ahead, Bob. I don't remember when kids tried to hide under the clothes. Why not?

I don't know. Did you ever do that? Well, yeah. Underneath what clothes? The department store, they had these circular. Oh, I did that. Remember the rack of clothes? I did that. That's how I would hide from my mom's boyfriends. Wait, hold on a second. That's what I'm talking about. Exactly. Preach. Wait a minute. Your mom, your dad owned a lady clothing store. Yeah, I remember. What was it called? Fashion Gal. Fashion Gal. Really? Yeah. Let Dr. Phil sit with that.

Fashion gal. You didn't ever go to a fashion gal? Well, I did, but not to shop. Oh, that's good. Now, what kind of clothes and women? Who was the clientele? What was the... Fat ethnic women. Yep. I was going to guess that, but I want you to say it. Samoans. Yeah, yeah.

Was that like Lane Bryant for like Samoans and stuff? Got it. Lane Bryant. Now, is Lane Bryant based on a true story? Like, is this shot, is that actually some tub? Like, is there a real Lane? Like, if you're a woman, your name's Lane, you're already 0 for 2. Lane Bryant. But Bryant, it's like, I think of Lane Bryant, I think of Bryant Park, I think of Kobe Bryant. So I'm thinking of big stuff. Yeah. Right. There's Fashion Gal right there. Yeah, my parents owned that. You sure that wasn't a rubbing tug?

what it looked like. It really does. I mean, look at the font. That's Rub and Tug font. Tell me that's your dad's Jag out front. Did your dad drive a Jag? No. That's my Mazda Miata to the right. How is that on there? That's weird. This is a photo of someone took this, a fashion gal who's a huge fan and sad that it's gone. Yeah. What is this? The RIP Fashion Gal. Rest in peace, Fashion Gal. And while we're at it, RIP Betty Watt. Yes. Yes.

Can we just, in the last- Is she dead? No, she died. Oh, she died. I'm pretty sure. She is in that category of like her Bob Barker, also RIP. RIP. And look, it's not just the Whites that are leaving us, but I think that there's something about what she did. Almost 100, right? No, 101. I can't do math. What is that? She's 99. 99. The other way around.

She died in Brentwood. She was killed by OJ. What if OJ was... Wouldn't it be great if he was like, I swear I didn't do the first one, but this one was all me. I killed Betty White.

Dude, unbelievable. She's Fashion Gal. She would shop at Fashion Gal. She definitely would. 100%. You know what I just saw today? Huh? Motley Crue's private plane crashed. I know. Today. Into what? Nobody was on it. Into another plane. No, no. Somebody's girlfriend, Vince Neil's girlfriend was on it. Oh, shit. And the pilot died.

they all lived. Dude, this is like the fifth plane crash. I'm freaking the fuck out. What the hell? Look. I'm about to John Madden everywhere and just get on a fucking Greyhound. Buddy, he was smart. He was very smart. This just crashed. Was this today or yesterday? Wait, why? Yesterday. Like they ran out of gas in the sky? They landed. They landed. It like skidded off. Something happened with the landing gear and it hit another plane and the pilot died. People on board did not die. And it was Vince's girlfriend. Is that what it says?

Did she die? No, no. They're alive. The pilot's the only one that died. Just the pilot. Crew member killed when small jet owned by Vince Neil crashed into plane upon landing in Arizona. But how does this happen? How does this keep happening over the last week? See, I'm getting a little scared. It feels like way too quiet. Well, we fired everybody who works at the airport. Yeah. Builds planes. That was on purpose. Even the gal at Southwest. Well, they were fucking migrants. Yeah.

But the drones. That's connected to drones and the planes going down? Neil's girlfriend and her friend were arriving on the plane and were injured. I'm flying out to Boston tomorrow, so this is exciting. All right, let's change the mood. You guys seen Oppenheimer? Love. Loved it. Love. Good segue. Dr. Phil loved it. Yeah, really good. A little long. Yeah, yeah. I'll watch anything with RDJ, Robert Downey. Same. What about RFK? You watch anything with him?

I'm working on my RFK impression. Let me hear it. Pretty good. I like that. Yeah.

There was a comic. There was a comic the other night. We'll cut that. You know what? Leave it in. Leave it in. Clip it and I'll send it to him on Facebook. That's right. There was a comic, a black comic, and I don't hear what else he said. Godfrey? Yeah, probably. But he goes, yeah. He was like, RFK. He was like, I like that motherfucker, but he sound like he talking into a massage chair. Oh, God.

Have you ever spotted McDonald's hot, crispy fries right as they're being scooped into the carton? And time just stands still. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

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So funny. It was great. There's certain lines like that that are just so. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a big, just like, I don't need a setup or a premise. Just give me something like that. Give me some jazz like that. Yeah. Boom. That was jazz comedy. One shot zinger. Yeah. Beep bop boop bop. That was jazz comedy. And it's not just because he was a black comic.

No. White comics can do jazz comedy too. 100%. Mitch Hedberg was the king of jazz comedy. Oh my God. That was a jazz comic. Are you doing stand-up now, Dr. Phil? There's a rumor that- Well, we're doing a live tour, adamrakecomedy.com for tickets. Who's that? Is that your agent? Sounds like it. It's just the producer of the show. He also brings me crustables when I'm hungry. Love. But we're doing a big national city theater tour. Yeah, you can go ahead and cut to it right there. We're going to- You put the- Go back.

Denver, Chicago, Boston, Atlanta, Nashville. You put your agent on the main page there? He Venmo'd me 100 bucks. Sounds like a move. I got enough cash, so now it's just about helping others out. You are flush with cash now, Dr. Phil. Dude, go back there. This.

this guy because that's your agent that guy just looks like a fucking gay dude from seattle yeah yeah right that's your eight normally they're like jewy guys but this guy just like literally like a well you can be both you can be jewy and gay he just looks like like a cussing homo from seattle look the way he's leaning on that uh thing it's almost like he's leaning on a cock oh yeah like just a seattle mouth he just saw a guy take his shirt off you know yeah he's like oh look at that set of

Look at that shit. He looks like he's just on his knees in the public market in Seattle outside the original Starbucks. He looks like Fancy was on the balcony and goes, would you like to suck my penis? And then Adam goes, no, I'm good. And then he kept pulling him down and he goes, on second thought. Yeah, let it happen. Let it happen. Right. Anyway, big national theater tour. Great.

Go see the boys. Surprise guests everywhere. They're all selling out. So just go get your tickets and bring your family. While you still can. While you still can. Dr. Phil, I'm surprised you're still doing this. You're touring around because, and you're going all the way till October. Well, no, we're going till about July. October is where I think, I put my dates on Adam Ray's standup dates. He's got a big fall standup tour, but the Dr. Phil show goes through July. I think we end in Reno as you do at the Grand Sierra Resort and Cum Factory or something. Yes, sir.

God bless. What were you supposed to do, Dr. Phil? I think you guys are. Well, the guests aren't announced, but you guys are on one. What are we?

I don't know. Do you know? I have no idea. We'll find out. We'll find out. We'll be right back. We'll keep her out here, but I think we can... We'll figure it out. You got to go to Boston tomorrow, and then once you get back from that, we'll talk. We'll talk. Dude, I had a harrowing moment in Vegas. Honestly, one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Recently? I just got back yesterday. I'm sitting at a table. I was like, I'm going to gamble before I go to this gig. And...

I'm sitting at the table and this guy was so blacked out. And I mean, like, couldn't really, it was barely there.

and I'm seeing him I'm looking at his chip stack and I'm like oh my god dude he's got thousand dollar chips right and then he's got he's got the casino gives you credits right so they're throwing him twenty five thousand dollar chip credits when he runs out of because he's he's running out of money he's just betting he's not he's smoking he's laughing he goes who's the new guy to me I go hey I'm Andrew he goes he goes hey I'm Chuck I'm Chuck man and he's smoking he's hitting on the wrong stuff and then at some point I said to the pit boss I go

I got to be honest with you. I think this is a little unfair. And he was like, what do you mean? I go, this guy's betting $10,000 hands, right? And he's doubling down. He's splitting them all. And he's losing four. I'm watching him lose 40 grand, 80 grand. I'm not kidding. Within, let's just say 10 minutes. Let's say 10 minutes. Quarter of a million bucks out the window. Wow.

And he stood up, went and smoked. And I go, you're going to cut that guy off, right? And the pit boss goes, we're familiar with him. He's going to be able to keep playing. Wow. I was like, oh, you're just robbing this guy. Oh, yeah. You're literally robbing this guy. Oh, I saw a guy black out in the Tropicana RIP, got knocked down for a baseball stadium.

to the Jesus most and Holy Ghost, but he was throwing his roulette chips across the casino. No, it was dice. He was doing craps. Threw his dice, blackout. Imagine just being like, what if you were trying to mock a child, right? And the kid was like, do you have a quarter for the wishing well? You were like, yeah, and you had it, and then you go, fucking suck your own dick, and you tossed it.

That's the way he was throwing the dice. And the security went and got the dice, I swear to God, and put it back in his hand. Oh, yeah. And I remember being like, he doesn't know where he is. And they were like, yeah, but he wants to double down. That's why there's no state income tax in Nevada. Because of that guy. Because of that guy. It's the greatest country in the world. Dr. Phil, you really want to be engaged with something. Bobby Lee, a huge NFL football fan, big fan of the Super Bowl. He went out to Jake Paul's Super Bowl party. I heard. To party with Jake Paul. How was it? Who won that game, by the way? I didn't. I was on a plane back.

Well, did you watch the game? You went to the Super Bowl party to not watch the game? Yeah, I got that plane back. So you went to the party on what day? Sunday. That's when the game was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you left during the game? It started, I went, bye-bye, and I got on a flight. So you walked in. Yeah, because, you know, I went there. Was that a dolphin? That was a dolphin?

- Here comes a lie, Dr. Phil, strap in. - Okay, I can tell. - All right, so we went there to pod with him. And then when this party started, we got on a flight and we went home. Carlos was with me, he could defend me. - What was he defending?

I wasn't there to watch the Super Bowl. I didn't even know what the Super Bowl was. You were there to drink prime shots with Jake Paul? Yeah, yeah. I went and did a pod, and then we left. You don't know what the Super Bowl is? Well, I know what it is, but I don't know who was playing. I found out Sunday, the Eagles, Philadelphia, and the Kansas City Chiefs. Can you do an eagle? Yep, pretty close. That's good. It sounds like the dolphin. It's like, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. It's a dolphin trying to fly. Okay, that's very impressive. Let me really try it. Okay.

No, no. What about a chief? Could you do a chief? Could you do a chief? Well, this is going to get dead. No, no, no. I can't do a chief. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. Just kidding. No, no, no, no, no. Madison Square Garden, September 11th. Primeval. Primeval. Right here and right here. Yeah. Primeval. Do you see that? No, I heard it's fucking great. So good, though. I got a Jake Paul question. Oh, my God.

Because I watched that fight with Tyson. And then, you know, they're big on the promo videos, right? They put out a video of him and Logan being like, I was born with this guy, and now I want to fucking kill him. And that got my attention, Chris. Yeah. Because I've been dying to see two brothers just fight to the death, you know? Luke and Owen Wilson, been waiting for that to happen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit, I don't know. Name another brother combo, Chris. Oh, Macaulay Culkin and Kieran. And Kieran. And Kieran Culkin. And Rory. Do three-way. Yeah.

Let him go. I need a thruway. I need a thruway. Oh, what about Eric versus Lyle Menendez? Love. Love that. They give him a gun. They blow their heads off. Loser gets their head blown off. Shotgun to shotgun. Alec and Billy Baldwin. Yeah, that's a good one. Oh, that's a good one. Now, where's Steven in that? He's with Corey Culkin. What's his name? Rory Culkin. Rory Culkin. Yeah. Yeah.

David Hawking, Stephen Hawking. Oh, yeah. What about Barack versus Michelle Obama? Yeah, that would be a good one. Okay, how about fraternal twins? How about like... How about conjoined? I'll raise you. No, I only know one. Those girls. Yeah, yeah. The girls that are tied together. Can I be honest? I'd pay upwards of $60,000 to watch them fight. Was it Brittany and Abby? Abby. All right.

But it's who has the bigger head. That's the person that's going to win. No, it's not true. You do side butts. Okay, that's very true. You have to do side butts. Yeah, I'll take it back. And what is it? One of them's married and one's not? One of them's married, but they both get to get played with, I think. Do they have one vagina? No, I think it's two. No, they have one. Well, let's cut to a clip. Yeah, yeah. And also this, you know this, right? They control their individual arms, right? But they have individual legs, so they have to coordinate everything.

Imagine. So they're just constantly marching. So one person going, right, right, right, right. I don't think they need to tell each other. Yeah, I think they just know. In their mind. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they still got brains, Bobby. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go. Look at that. Imagine one of them. Here's a breakdown. Not in the mood to hook up and you just got to be there. So here's what throws me off. One bladder. Right. And one urethra, but two kidneys. Okay, two stomachs. Two stomachs. Like Jeff Ross.

Shoot. September 11, 2025. Oh my God. I like the way you advertise. That's it, baby. Yeah. You go hard and then you go deep. That's what it is. Fucking best. So funny. Dude, that is crazy. So we should set up Dr. Phil Presents...

uh uh family feuds family fights family real fights i i would look i'm trying to get out of the daytime game i'm obviously in the nighttime game but i would love to host a show i tried to host kids say the darndest things yeah we had this uh we had this kid on nathan from like burbank right and he said the n-word in the first 15 minutes so and he wasn't even using it in like a funny story or context well like carlos does go ahead carlos yeah carlos the floor is yours

Thanks a lot, Carlos. Do one of those funny N-word stories that you do all the time. Question for Dr. Phil. Hold on. We have a question for Dr. Phil from the booth. Fancy. Go ahead. Do you have dinner at STK in San Diego? Did I or would I?

What the fuck are you asking me right now? Did I? Did you have dinner? When? Dr. Phil, this is actually a really good question. Recently. In STK? STK, the steakhouse in San Diego. Did you have dinner there? Well, I've had dinner with MGK at the Olive Garden. But let's go back to your question. STK, the steakhouse. I'll tell you why he says it.

We were at the STK in San Diego. We were. And the waitress came up to our table, and she was vaguely familiar with us. She didn't know who we were. Yeah. I was trying to do it in a nice way. How does that make you feel? Because you guys are pretty recognizable. I couldn't fucking care less. But what really bothered me- You thought it was Chuck Norris and Margaret Chell. No.

September 11th. I had a fork in my hand and we said we're comedians and she goes, you know who came in here was Adam Ray. Love Adam Ray. We love Adam Ray. That's what she said. And I took the fork and went, what? You're Dr. Phil's agent? Oh, my agent, yeah. Yeah, your agent. Okay, he did go there. It was, yeah, that's right. That's near the Yondas, right? It's in the basement. Yeah. The basement of the Yondas and they have like shrimp tartare and they got, they like light up, they put a Roman candle in your Kobe beef or some shit. Right.

Yeah, it's all fireworks and charades and charades and charades smalls there. There's a lot of fun flair. It's like an exciting time to be alive when you're there. She loved Adam Ray, she said. Well, we took care of her. Adam Ray was here. We loved Adam Ray. And then Bobby said, you know, look, we always leave more than 20%. But in this instance, he goes, let's just leave 20. Just 20 for this one. I respect that. Do you like to eat out a lot?

Let's go to the phones. Bobby likes seeing out a lot. Every meal is out. Yeah. He doesn't cook. I don't cook. But do you order in or do you go out? I usually Postmates or DoorDash. What's your favorite DoorDash order?

Every day is a different day. I love that. Bobby, you look like you eat a lot of chicken fingers and applesauce. You look good, Bobby. You do. Yeah, so you're saying I'm fat. No, no, no. You've gone like this since the last time I've seen you. No, you don't understand. I'm saying that you have, you eat, you're fun the way you eat and you eat like you're very young and youthful in the way you eat. You're not here eating quinoa

By the way, worst diet therapist of all time. Imagine sitting down with him. He's like, you're not fat. You're just your tits are getting longer. Yeah, you're not fat. You're just young. Yeah. So I had another one of those.

Vomits. So when we flew in from Miami, I went and got Chinese food. No, not because of Chinese food, but I took Ozempic. Wait, what? Is that Korean Ozempic? Yeah, it's Korean Ozempic. Also, it's my Xbox screen. So I was sitting at my kitchen table. And I started eating the food. And then I just...

No, the whole table was red vomit. What? Yeah. Did you black out? And then I ran to the fucking thing and I vomited all over the fucking kitchen sink. You were throwing up blood? Yeah, yeah. Bobby, that's bad. That happened to me when I landed. I went to McDonald's on Manchester and I threw up while driving on Las Cienega. Yeah, so what did we eat?

That's the last time we're going to P.F. Chang's, I'll tell you that. Crab fried rice. Oh, that's right, it was the crab. No, you might have got the norovirus to have that. No, no, no, it was crab fried rice. I was just going to say that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that sounds scarier than noro. No, but we... I threw up too. Did you really? Thank God, because I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. And the red was because of the Skittles. It wasn't because... There was no blood? Yeah, I had like red licorice and Skittles. I get concerned about the blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it's not blood. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Oh, boy. Happy birthday, dear bad friends. Happy birthday to you. Five years. We're five years old. Wow. As of today? Today. As of today, this episode. What kind of cake?

Carrot. It's carrot for me. Yeah. Can I eat it with my hands? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know he will. We got it at the same supermarket that Bobby got his, you know. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Pregnancy test. Beautiful piece there. Delicious. Oh, my God. Thank you. But you really did eat it with your hands. Yeah. Can we blow it first, you fucking asshole? No, no, no. Wait. Make a whip. Let's do it together. No, you're sick. Go ahead and blow.

What'd you wish for? What? Let me guess. Yeah. Jake Paul. Oh, yeah. One's not enough. One Paul brother is just not enough for you. Get in there. Dr. Phil, would you like a piece of cake? I'm okay. I'm on Atkins. And now being involved for anything for five years is a big deal. Look at you. You're like a drunk chick eating Frosted Flakes at 4 a.m. So five years. Let's talk about the five years. Five years. Pretty incredible. I've never done anything for five years.

Stand up. I thought it was longer than five years, to be honest. You played FIFA for five. Oh, that's true. That's right. Yeah. I thought it was much longer than five. Yeah. Only started like right in the beginning of the pandemic. That's right. Exactly. Congrats, guys. Thank you so much. We're very happy and we want to thank the fans very much for the ride for this. It's been incredible. And also get that there's cake on your headphones there, Bob.

Good boy. Good boy. Oh, yeah. This is closer. September 11th. Yeah. He's going to eat carrot cake on me. You know, Reverend Bob Levy used to eat blue cheese. Love. I'm going to eat carrot cake out of somebody's ass. Tell me this. What's your...

What's on your rider for Madison Square Garden? Great question. Honestly, to be honest, I'm going to have a pizza from my local pizzeria, Joe and John's Pizzeria. Shout out Joe and John's Pizzeria. Staten Island? No, fucking Ridgewood Queens. Ridgewood Queens. What was the place where you took us? Oh, that was in Staten Island. That was that restaurant in Staten Island after we were at the apartment.

We had pizza. We had pizza at that joint. It's in an apartment complex. It was on the first floor. Oh, yeah. We went to Staten Island. Staten Island, yeah. It was really good. I forgot the name now. Damn it. I'll always have that memory. I don't know why. It's ingrained in me. I liked it. I loved it. That was a pleasant day. Also, a wonderful day that we had. Yeah, yeah. We did. That was a nice day. It was a nice day. In Pete Davidson's old apartment, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember. Oh, yes. I remember that. I remember. Yes, yes, yes. So that, but I'm going to have pizza. Yeah.

And I'm going to have- Gushers? Tequila. No, not Gushers. Dunkaroos. Oh, wow. We're going to have Dunkaroos. And then I'm going to have a cake from this German bakery that I love. Kanye? Kanye owns it? No. Well, it's interesting you say that. It's a Black Forest cake. And the reason why I'm going to have that, I think it's simple. Dude.

Sorry. Just say Forest Cake. No need to bring a ration to it. Yeah, that's insane. It's a Kanye Forest Cake, and I'm going to have it because this actual bakery, which is from Ridgewood, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood, remember when the Nazis sold out the garden in 1937? No. This bakery did the catering. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. So it's symbolic. That's insane. They sold out the garden. They did. Oh, my God. They did, and that's going to be my background is George Washington.

Is this real? I swear to Christ. They did. They did. Who was the opener? Who was the opener? Ladies and gentlemen, this next guy coming to the stage to us colleges and clubs all over. It's Hitler. The man you came to see. It's Hitler. Guys, he's backstage right now. He can't hear you. Put your hands together. Oh, my God.

What is Hitler's come out music? What was his walkout music? What did he come out? Aqua Barbie Girl. He came out to Africa.

freak out he loved nelly he was doing uh if you want to go and take a ride with me i thought you meant nelly frittata there you go kanye breakfast he came out to kanye he probably would what a wild what a wild guy huh yeah only nazi t-shirts now they're gone though they took them down we looked earlier on the podcast they're gone so we were trying to buy carlos wanted to buy one so now he's got no merch he doesn't nothing

No. Nothing. But yeah, he doesn't even have a website, but he still sells more merch than me. But I did hear if you guys still want one of those swastika shirts, you can go to a Kill Tony Live. They are selling them there. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Made my mustache fall off. Dr. Miller. I got to say this. Of the five years we've been doing this show, a little bit emotional, reminiscing. Please.

It is genuinely from the bottom of my heart, the greatest thing that's ever happened to my career. And I mean it without any joke. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to my career in my life. And thank you to the fans. Thank you so much. We may means the world to us. Thank you. Gabe.

no that's all you guys are really it really is amazing to see i mean change change our lives you're the top pod no we're not we're just we're just we're humming along and i'm the people that come along for this stupid ride with us it's the best it's the most it's the most you know dr phil when you do shows it's the best the people that come along for the ride it's wild it's it's cultish but what you guys have created isn't just a fun backdrop you know you got diversity yeah you got characters in the booth the guests

uh, always has fun. The table is a proportionate to your bodies. Uh, the live shows are fun. There's a pube shot every other night. That's right. Uh, the banter between you is maybe the best. And again, not to get emotional. Um,

Maybe the best banter out there. There was a time when I was a big like... You ever watch Sharon Lois and Bram? Love Lois and Bram. They had great banter. Great. And then here comes Siskel and Ebert. Man, but they were on the wrong page more often than not. You guys always yes and, you support, but you also encourage and you divulge in a way that most people can't. Chris, take it away. You guys are...

It's really amazing to see how you- Thank you for being a bad friend. And you guys are-

Is that it? I thought we were going to sing a song. We do. We have to sing a song to end the show. Thank you for being a bad friend. No, we do have to sing a song. Chris gets the first verse, uh, and then Dr. Phil, and then you and I will close it out. So guys, this is a bad friend song to thank the bad friends for coming along for this ride with us. And, uh, two of our very good friends and special guests, Chris DeStefano, a special out on Hulu, and he's playing Madison Square Garden September 11th. Please go see him, New York city and the surrounding areas. Go see our boy, uh,

And Dr. Phil, of course, represented by Adam Ray, his agent, Adam Ray Comedy. They're both on tour. They're never going to overlap. Two separate entities. You won't catch them in the same room. We love them both very much. Go ahead and take it away, Chris DiStefano. So just a song about bad friends, the five years. I don't need to explain it, man. You should just be able to...

Love to see bad friends you brought together, United States and Korea. And it said it couldn't be done, but you did it, hon. Dr. Phil. Boo, boo, boo. Boo, boo, boo. You walk into a store late at night looking for some gum and a Jew on Jew fight, but you don't.

You don't know what you got into. So you fill your car with gas. You get your ass kicked by the guy at the front station because he ran out of condoms. And you're looking to fuck. So you got to drive home with a boner filled with cum.

Oh, mom, what have I done? I've got nothing on the radio. So I'm going to turn on my favorite show. Bad Friends. Bad Friends. Bad Friends. Bad Friends.

This is a 50-50 podcast. Okay, go ahead. And I feel like you think that you're the captain of the ship. I am. No, we're like the lighthouse. We're the two dudes in the lighthouse. Turn it off! Turn it off! Okay, it's off. All right, if I was that Asian lady, I'd already... I'm gonna chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop

What? Wouldn't it be funny if I fucked you, ate you, and then I walked across to the island as a resort? And I'm just in Hawaii. But I want to say this right now for the record. Yeah. Okay. I like it. You look good doing it. Yeah. I don't hate it. I'm going to do it again. Don't. Don't.

This is great. Anytime. Anyway, for the record. Finance advice. Finance advice. I just saw Matador in my head pull a finance advice.

Koreans didn't have slaves. Did Koreans have slaves? Yeah, Google that. Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history spanning 1,500 years. Fuck off. That's not what it says. Had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history. Fuck. You're not gay no more. I am delivered. Fuck.

Wait, I have a question. When you were my age and you were pooing, does your asshole bleed a lot? Let that sink in. Just let that sink in. Who are you going to vote for? D-O-N-A-L-D-T-R-U-M-P. See? It's some fish I cooked earlier. That's why it smells over there. It's not because of young black men's bodies.

rotting in the fridge. A sex-togue company, Taboo, announced a new line of vibrators with removable batteries. Finally, I'm not going to have those embarrassing moments at TSA.

Jules, you have to- Oh, that is a game where you do one word. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do one word. No, no, no, Jules. Word. One word. One word. Everyone says one word. Is that what it is? Is that the sentence? You say one word, and then you try and keep the cadence of an actual story. Yeah, yeah. You want to try that? Okay, just a word. Yeah, so Jules, you're playing, number one. And number two, this is how it works. No, this- Is- How- You- Works. Okay.

We'll be right back. Who celebrates Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October? Who celebrates Thanksgiving? You know what? No. Why'd you raise your hand? Because I want to go first. Go ahead. Go. Juice. Wow. That's definitely not. Well, that's the show. We're canceled.

Well, Jews. That kid is Chinese on the right. Yeah, that's me. There's no doubt in my mind. We need a test. Yeah. Look at that. If you saw him on the street, go, who's that little Chinese kid? Yeah. He looks like a Chinese guy that sells pineapples in the black market. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I tell you that a few episodes ago? Can I tell you about the Toto? Go ahead. She's Chinese too. Yeah. Is that your Asian accent? No.

Why are you doing this? I don't know why. I'm turning Japanese. Whoa. Grizzly animal. In Chicago? Your mom. It's just a joke. Relax. Yeah, my mother's very pretty. She's a beautiful woman. Unlike your cross-eyed mother. Don't. You don't have to fucking get... I'm not Bobby Muddah.

I'm Bobby Mom. I'm a simp. You be simping hard. Hard. Out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention. Oh, that felt good. So now I don't have to feel bad for your little heartbreak. Fuck you. Mr. Herrera, what is it? I'm Furroway's private investigator. Fuck you.

Just take it out of the iPhone four feet away. Like, look Bobby in the eye right now. Let's see your confidence level. Tell him to go fuck himself. Look him right in the eye and say, go fuck yourself. Do it. Go fuck yourself. Whoa, that was so believable. I love it. Man, this is good. I like this new route. Do more, do more. Look him right in the eye and do it. You're a fat piece of shit. Shit.

Ready? Ready for another one? You're not my blood, and I don't respect you at all. Oh, my God. It looks so real when she says it. Wow. That was a good one. That was a good one. One more. One last one. You want another one? One last one for the road. I like it. It's so magic, isn't it? I like it. I can't wait till Atikulaila leaves you. Oh.

Oh, that one hurts. That one stung. He's getting hit a little bit. Wow. I'm in the middle there. Zoom in. Oh, bye. Ancient crane technique. If do right, no can defend. How tall are you? There's no way. Who's taller to you or I?

That's a good question. I'm 5'2". Yeah, yeah, I'm 5'2". No, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, you, bro. You're 5'0". No, don't do that. And then I plug in my iPhone or whatever. I have a phone, right? Samsung. Samsung. Okay. It's got to be Samsung? All right, Samsung. Yeah. Does it matter what kind of TV I'm looking at or? Toshiba. Toshiba.

Yeah, yeah. So I assume just by your thinking, I'm wearing a kimono. 100%. What else would you be wearing at your house? Out in public, you have street clothes. Right. Kimono. I have a sword. A sword. And your hair is in a bun. Must be. And what's in it? What's holding your hair up? A chopsticks. Chopsticks. That's correct. Ah!

Oh, you racist fucker. All right. For some reason. For some reason. For some reason, I'm wearing regular clothes. You're wearing regular clothes at the liquor store. But when I get home, there's got to be a montante where I put the cup. You ever kiss someone of the same sex? Yes, I do it all the time. Once or twice. No way. Or I love kissing people regardless of their sex. Third. No way? Yeah. You've never. I've sucked a dick, but never fucking. Well, why can't we make that the same thing?

They're not the same thing. I know you went to third base instead of first. They're asking you. They're saying did you ever hit a single and you're like, well, I got a triple. Yeah, that's not what the question is. Over the years, and you may disagree with me, I've learned a little move called

You think you're quick enough to dodge a fucking elephant? Yeah. Let me ask you this, right? You think they're like a race? That's not an elephant. An elephant would fucking kill you. You didn't even move. So I'm in the patio. You're going to make me go all the way around. That's not the point. You're going to make me go all the way around.

You're gonna make me go all the way around. All the way around. Oh, no. You're gonna make me go all the way around. I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead and I ripped out your heart.

I can't fucking believe I did that shit, I'm all alone, I miss you daddy, I miss you daddy.