Bobby's Bowling Date
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Hello, Cyber Monday. Ooh, it's Cyber Cyber Monday. Beep, beep, beep. It's in the past and the future. Ooh. And we got new merch. Check it out. Check it out. We got these new shirts. This is the fans made it. The fans made this and the fan made this. And this one is stitched on. Ditched on like that. High level. We love this. We love that. We have hoodies. We have crew necks, long sleeve shirts. We got it all, baby. We got it all, baby. And because it's Cyber beep, boop, bop,

Monday right down below in the YouTube, the YouTube store right down below our video. It's 20 percent off because 20 percent off because of the cyber. So people pop up. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? Asian YouTube are disgusting. You two are something bad friends. Anyway, we're we're filming this podcast.

election night. We filmed this on election night. Right now, when you're listening to this, this is election night. I also think we did this on the last election. We were around then? Yeah, 2020. Yeah, 2020. I'm almost positive. No one talked except for us today. Did we do an episode on, I think we did,

Because I remember him talking like this. This sounds familiar. No, because I'll tell you why we weren't. Bobby was in Joshua Tree. Thank you so much. I was in Joshua Tree. Yeah, just like in a desert rabbit, like a rabbit, desert rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, desert rabbit, rabbit. I can't pod today. I can't even say desert rabbit, dude. I can't even say desert rabbit right now, dude.

- Say it again. - Give me the line again. - I was in the desert rabbit. - Oh, you were in a desert rabbit? - Yeah. I remember, do you remember? You were there. - Let's be real though. - I remember Julio was on the couch with his arm on the couch watching me. Yeah, I remember. - Did you even vote today? - No, I give money.

So you didn't even vote. You didn't either. Yes, I did. There's no way. Where's your sticker? Where's my sticker? I don't wear the sticker. I'm not a cock. Yeah. Well, I did too then. No, I know you didn't. Yes, I did. When? Where? At Beachwood Canyon. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. When? What time? 2 p.m. 2 p.m.? Yeah. Give me your phone.

You give me your phone. Okay. What? What kind of game are we playing? Because I know at 2 p.m. I can see who you were communicating with at 2 p.m. And you would be like, I'm in line. Here I am. Yeah. That's my- I have proof. I live with someone that goes, yep, I went to the fucking elementary. You know, I have proof. I live with people that don't think. No, you don't. Yeah, I have my housekeeper. Why would you lie? She goes, where are you going? Did you vote? Yes, I did. You're a liar. My housekeeper goes, where are you going? I go, I'm going to go vote. How can the fans believe you if you say you'd voted when we know you didn't?

How can you do this right now? Because you're Mr. On Your High Horse. You're a high horse. Here you are complaining about something you didn't even contribute to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's never voted. Well, that's my point. It doesn't matter in California! Yes, it does! We all love that! No! Wait, hold on. I need a churro. Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's insane. You know what? I'm going to get a cookie. Yeah, get a churro and a cookie. I'm going to get half a cookie. That'll solve all your problems. This is what the liberals do. They eat away their feelings. They're sad about what happened. They eat their cookie. Munch, munch, munch, cookie monster.

No, but let me be serious for a second. Okay. Neither of us voted. We know that. You didn't either. Of course not. All right. Of course not. But we should for at least the local elections. I'm mad about that. But I couldn't because guess what? Went to the registrar. I'm not registered. How? I voted last time. Called. Still, I need to go in and turn in more proof documents that it's me. So either somebody stole my identity, but I don't have my original birth certificate. Do you? No.

Mine's framed. My parents died in a fire when I was a kid. They're all gone. Everything's gone. You can do that online. Request another. A birth certificate? Exactly. Thank you so much. How long does it take to get?

This is coming from someone that definitely didn't get a certificate of birth. Yeah. Let's not talk about birth certificates right now, dude. Yeah, okay. Anyway, I tried. Don't Google how you get one. Do we have to go through the process? I don't want to go through the process of it. You don't have to know how long. It does take, it is a pain in the ass.

It's a whole thing proving you were born. I mean, it took me three minutes to register to vote. But yeah, because you're a brand new citizen and they cannot wait to get your information. Guess what, dude? Jury duty is coming your way. You're going to have so much solicitation coming your way. I cannot wait. You're fresh blood, kiddo. You're new to the fold and welcome, by the way. Can't wait to take your taxes. And another thing. Scumbag. You scumbag. Get him, Bob. You're students, right? Who paid for their dinner?

Bobby did. Was that not a nice gesture? That's right. And you treat me like you did earlier. Yeah. About saying, oh, here's, you know, he doesn't, you know, Mr. Whatever you already said. What did he say? I don't remember, but I agree. I'm so emotional I can't even speak. Get it out. All right. So enough of that kind of behavior. All right. And by the way, Bobby gave them money and he goes so far. Not only did he give them money, he cooked them dinner tonight. Came right from cooking dinner. Wow. Isn't that polite? That's so polite.

I don't know. I don't get that chef shirt. I love your fashion. You always have good fashion. The chef shirt, I don't get. It's the Roach one. The McCone. That is the Roach shirt. Yeah. McCone, do you like this one? I think it's sick. I think it's sick too. Yeah. And McCone would know more. Yeah, dude. McCone would know more. Yeah, come over here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at what this fucking loser's wearing. Okay. Look. Yeah. He's wearing an Adolf Hitler shirt. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? A tanned. Yeah. You voted? Uh-huh. All right, great. Get out of here. Get out of here, kid. Fast as you can. Yeah.

His jeans have a shit stain on the back. Yeah. Hate him. I'll tell you another thing. If you ever pull your pants down in front of me and Jules and you do a ramen fart, I swear to God, dude, you have another thing coming. What will you do? What will you do? You know what this is like? That clip with Mike Tyson when he's like, yeah, I'm going to vote for Trump. Yeah. What are you going to do about it?

And everyone's like, well. Nothing. Yeah, that's right. So shut the fuck up. How about that? You know what? It's so funny. What am I going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? I'm going to do something that's not nonviolent. Okay. Okay. So is that what you're pertaining to? No, anything. What are you going to do about it? I'm going to fart on. I'm going to. When I got a fart. I'm farting right at you every time. I twist minds. Okay. And I'll corkscrew your fucking mind into a different dimension. You are mind boggling. All right.

There's a lot of I have people that I call dude Whom? Whom do you call? Don't scare me bitch

Okay, you went to war. You went to war with me? Yeah. Alright, we'll have a war. Yeah. I don't want it. You started it. I didn't start shit. Yeah, yeah. You came at me. Don't fart in my face! Nobody farted in your face. I farted at her. You farted at both of us. Thank you so much. You know what? You were in the blast radius. You caught some shrapnel. You were in the blast radius. Yeah. It was aimed at you. Look, I tried to hit the Philippines.

It's like when Chernobyl went off, right? It affected Germany. It did. Yeah, yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yes. I'm German. Yes, you're German. Okay, fuck, dude. Das ist nicht gut. Yeah. By the way, ramen, I'm never going to go to that place ever again. Which one is it? Well, I don't want to shit on it. Whisper, whisper. Well, we can blank it out. Yeah, blank it out. Oh, it's terrible. Dude, there's one by our house. No, no. This was because I was on the road. I know, I know. I'm on the road. I was on the run and I was like, I had a post made to bring it here to eat it. Guess how much my ramen was tonight from them.

I'm not kidding. I added some shit in there. Okay, so... I got a regular old school and I added a few new vegetables and I wanted extra meat. $32. $32, right? You know what I mean. That's a rip-off. Boo-hoo, dude. That's a rip-off. Do you know what... That's a rip-off. But by any standard, that's a rip-off. Yeah. That's a rip-off. This guy buys a silk... Right. ...carpet.

cover for each one of his fucking golf clubs that's not true that's absolutely not true 89.95 each silk he's got 15 golf clubs right because they have to be like you know what I mean spotless and it's gotta have that fucking go get the golf clubs right now and see how they're all those are your secondary ones those are your secondary ones that you keep at the office you have ones at home whatever I have no clubs at home Louis Vuitton put it back Louis Vuitton look at those silk things that Nardi

Those covers are for the drivers. Uninformed. Didn't you get beat with those things? You don't even know what they are? Yeah, yeah. My dad took the covers off. He did? Yeah, when he beat me with them. Yeah. Okay. The silk covers? Dude. Thanks for not playing good improv and getting on board me with the ramen. Oh, so $33 for ramen? Yeah.

Oh no! You know, man, they should go back to wherever they came from. That's way too much money. Where should they go back to? I thought you wanted to improv. Now you're doing that. You're not, you're nagging yet. Well, what do you know? I'm not going to go back to where they came from. I don't know what bit you want me to do, dude. Oh, funny. Say it again then. Let's start again. Say it again. I'll read the tempo. You know, I had really good ramen today. Yeah. Well, where? But it was expensive. Where?

- Let me guess. - Where? - Let me guess. - Yeah. - Because I've had a problem with these people too.

Does it start with a J? It does. End with an A? It does. Janga. Janga, Ron? Janga, janga. Did you get nervous when we were yelling at each other? Yeah, and you were getting red, so I thought it was... I'm hot. I should take off this sweater. It's too hot in here. You're scary when you're angry. I know. Thank you. What about me? You're okay. Yeah. See, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, you're not scary. I get angry with peace.

- Hmm. - You know what I mean? - No. - Yeah, yeah. Firm but soft. - Always soft. - Yeah, it's a combo. See, I do combo expressions, what people don't realize about me. - Yeah, you're like a combo. - Yeah, yeah. - Filled with shit.

Rage, but empathy. A little hint of empathy underneath, right? Joy, but with a little bit of resentment. It's a combination that I put out there because I'm human and I'm a complex human being, dynamic in many ways, okay? So I am sorry that you spent so much on that food. - Thanks. - And-- - I'm just not gonna tell you anything anymore. - You're being like a little baby right now. - You lead the show.

Oh, come on, dude. Can I just say something? No, leave the show tonight. I'll tell you something. I'm going to let you lead the show. You ready? So this fucking guy, Amir K, is in the green room at the comedy. I'll tell you where I'm at right now. Yeah, where's this coming from? I thought we'd put cookies in you. You'd be happy. Hey, give me the rest of the cookie. Please. Yeah, yeah. Please give him more cookies. Huh? What happened with the Osempic? I'm on the Osempic. Oh, dude. Dude. Don't. I'm trying to have a show tonight. I know, dude. What are you doing, dude? I'm going to get you.

All right, I'm gonna... You wanna get... Give him the cookie. Thank you, thank you. What's this? No, stop, stop, stop. Give me the other one. No, what's this? You want half of this, Rudy? Yeah. Okay. Very good. I don't want this. Yeah, yeah. Come here, dude. Lick it off his finger. Lick it off. Good boy. Good boy. Good boy. Okay. Good cookie. These are so good. Let's start anew. Let's start anew. Okay. Yum.

A week ago, I'm in the green room at the comedy store. I'm just sitting there with, I want to say his name. Should I say it? Why can't you say the name? He's my dear friend. Yeah, we're friends with him. But we can't say the name because you want to protect him because of what the best... Well, you know, I just, you know, he started spouting off some politics. You know what I mean? You know, when it comes to fishing, I'll listen to him. What's so funny?

He loves the fish. He's actually an incredible fisher. I've eaten fish that he's caught. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a great fisherman. Okay. What's so funny, McCone? Yeah, dude. What's so funny? I just wasn't expecting fishing to get brought up in this political conversation. I mean, for sure he can't come to Australia. You're not coming? Yeah, yeah. For sure. Unpack your shit when you get home. Yeah, yeah. For sure. Unpack it. Stay. Yeah, because that stuff, that right there, dude...

Not good, dude. Let me tell you, I don't want to cut you off. I want this story to finish, but just so I can be a little bit more- I'm with you here. When I walked in today and these two guys saw, well, no, you saw it actually. Andre saw it. Did he have attitude to me? Bobby, if you were fucking here, and then I yelled at him and I said, if Bob were here for this and you-

The response, the way he responds to me these days, it's, I'm actually like, I'm genuinely shocked. - Okay, so this, Bad Friends, just to give you some education, is a TV show. We do TV show numbers. - That's right. - Okay. - Well. - So, you know, when a PA, let's say a show runner,

What? A showrunner? Let's say there's a showrunner. Got it. And a PA or somebody on set that does props, right? Mm-hmm. Talks back in a negative way to the showrunner. Right. The showrunner doesn't even know that dude's name. He gets fired on the spot. He's like, who's that? Who's that guy? What we did was we went, oh, let's memorize the prop guy's name. Right. We let him in. Let's exchange number with the fucking lighting guy. Mm-hmm.

And all of a sudden the lighting guy's like, "Oh, I'm equal to the show runner." - He's actually an assistant's assistant. - Assistant's assistant's assistant. - He's assistant's assistant's assistant. - Yeah, three assistants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. - And for some reason he's in the executive office. - Right, and he thinks you're a peer and you're not.

Right? And what you're going to realize, my little friend, okay, is that when you're out in the world without us, you're going to drown. You're going to drown, pal. Right? You're going to drown, and you're going to drown forever. So if you want this life-saving vessel— What's that smirk about, Carlos? About drowning forever. That made me laugh. But you're doing the thing, too. Like, oh, yeah, you're trying to make me drown. That's what that laugh was. You're so on edge tonight, dude. What?!

You're on edge! This is crazy! I'm not on edge! All I did was laugh. Don't ever call me on edge! You're a stand-up comedian and I laughed at your fucking joke! Get out of here now, you raised your voice. You're fired. I'm the tour manager. You're fired. Oh yeah, yeah. You need me for the next six weeks. Stay. Stay. Don't push me, dude. I got it. Alright, so you made the bet. This Indian, Middle Eastern guy. Okay, sure. Whatever. Yes. You know what I mean? Funny guy. He's from Iran. Funny guy. Right. Right.

And he's got a person he's seeing that's from a different Midwest who has certain beliefs. Sure. I had dinner with them. That's fine. Fine, right? But he started touting off like, oh, for sure. It got real political. It's going to be Trump, right? And I'm not that I, I'm in the middle. I was like, can I ask you something? What's going on with this show? Andrew, can I ask you something? Please. Is it me? No. What I'm seeing and I'm sensing, is it me? No. No.

So I'm not going insane Tap your side right now tap the side of your leg because everyone in here is out of pocket you hear that? My pockets are empty because all you guys are out of it. Dude. You're out of fucking- I'm out of pocket. Yeah, I have no money These guys are out of pocket. It is him tonight

Oh my god. What'd you say? You're vibrating with like crazy energy tonight. Oh my god, I came here with such namaste energy like- I came here like Steven Seagal. Namaste, dude. Namaste. And then what you're doing, dude, is you're fucking gaslighting me. You're making me feel nervous, Tito Bobby. Wait, why? What, you too now? Yeah. Like what? Your energy. Wow. What's going on? Wow.

Wow. You have the floor. I want you to just... What? Dude, can I ask you something? Yeah. Are you on my side? I need you. Do me a favor. I'm being real right now. I know. I need you on my side right now. Take one more bite of a cookie. All right, I need you. One more bite. I need you to go down with me if I'm going to go down, dude. I'm right here. I love you so much. I'm right here. I love you. I don't feel any support here. Hey, I am right here. I feel no support here. I'm right here. Okay. What is that? What is that?

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Of course I'm on your side. Okay, good. Ha ha ha. I will never leave your side. Ever. I'll never abandon you. Ever. No, I'm fine. I feel great. I feel wonderful. Thank you. Can I say something? Last night, you got a compliment at the party. We went to Bert's house for a little surprise party.

It was fun. Although it wasn't a surprise. Can I just tell you about that too? You piece of shit. You dog hole human. What did I do? You fuck fuck. What did I do? I'm a couple hours away. I think I'm going to be late to this thing. And you text me, you have to be there by 630. No. Yeah, you did. I get the text right here. You called me. And you said I had to be there. There's a surprise party.

But what I'm saying is that, so I get there at 5:50. I wait 40 minutes, there's no one there. I'm at Bert's house, I'm just there with his wife. - It's you and your brother. - And my brother and Leanne Kreischer. - What a nice moment. - Right, but now Bert's coming at 6:30 and now I'm the only one there saying, "Surprise." So I hear Bert come in the house and there's like 20 people supposed to be there, right?

he comes around the corner and my brother, Bert's never met Steve before. And I have like a little cigar case that I bought him. And we go, "Surprise." Right? And he laughed so hard because that was like the most unglorious surprise. - What a comedy moment. - Right. - What a funny moment. - Because you're the last person I ever thought that you would be here. And then you trickle in at 6:50. Like what's your deal, amigo? - Okay. So give me a little bit of credit.

for a great comedy moment in both your and Bert's life. I know you, you got the text message, you didn't read it. You called old Andy and you said, "What time do we have to be there?" Even though it texted us today, the Evite, "This is when you're supposed to be there." So I said to you, "You gotta be there by six." Yes. The invite said, "No need to come before 6:30." Yes.

I did that to bait you to be there before everybody because I thought that'd be funny. It's not. It worked. It did for you. It was hilarious. And the world, okay? Because I walked in and everybody was like, how is Bobby here before anybody else? Everybody else. It was perfect. And by the way-

You're welcome. He remembered it. He talked about it all night when you left. He's like, how cool is that that Bobby was here with his brother first? Yeah. So you're welcome. Okay. And I stayed all night, by the way, talking with Bert and Leanne. How long were you there at all? I think I left at 1040 or 11 o'clock. Wow. We talked all night. Wow. I love those people. Me too. I love them too. They're a great day. I had to get out of there. And Fitzsimmons. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? So Bert has dogs.

Burt has dogs that are so big, I mean, it's almost shocking. You know when you see a dog that's so big you can't believe it? Pit bulls? They're like... Bull mastiffs. They're mastiffs, but they're mixed. So check this shit out. The first picture is of Steve. Steve, who I love more than anybody, is sitting on the couch. This is Bobby's brother sitting on the couch.

with the dog. Jules doesn't like him that much, but. I love Steve. Look at this. There's Steve. And I said to Leanne, how much does that dog weigh? Yeah. I go, Steve, that dog is as big as you. The dog is 160 pounds. Yeah, he weighs more than Steve. Steve weighs 155 pounds. That dog is bigger than Steve. What a beautiful dog. And look at the next picture. Look at how scared Fitz was of sitting next to this dog.

Didn't like the drool of the petting. Look at his face. Look at his fucking face, dude. That was at the end of the night. Look at the size of that dog. His head. He's looking more and more like the old man from Up. Look at that photo, dude. I mean, I love him. I showed this photo to my wife and she didn't have her glasses on. Yeah. And she literally goes, look at that dog. And then she goes, Ellen was there last night? No. No way. No way. Morgan and Morgan. Ah!

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Imagine that thing pulling you down the street. Here we go again. You don't have the core strength. Questioning my fucking strength again, dude. I cannot believe today. You don't have the core strength? You don't have nothing. What? You have nothing either, dude. You gotta come with better than that. No, I'm not. I don't need to. I can come with whatever. You see his energy today, Rudy? It's wild. Yeah. What is that? You're right. What is going on? Get him another cookie.

You're right. I'm off. I'm off. I'm off. You know what? I'll try chocolate croissant. Today is wild. Yeah, I'll take a chocolate croissant. Get him a chocolate croissant, please. This is something. Hey, McCone, do me a huge favor. Yeah. Have one of those fucking things loaded in the chamber. Yeah, also, can I have another thing, dude? Give me a Diet Coke if there is one. I'd really like one.

Look at me. I know what's wrong. I know what's wrong, my best friend. I know what's wrong. What's wrong? This is an emotional day. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. Rudy, help. My birthday is on Saturday. Oh, shut the fuck up. We won't be here. Wait, your birthday's on Saturday? Oh. I'm turning 23. I feel old. 23? Oh, God. You're so haggard now. You're burnt. They'd kick you out of Vegas. That's when I started stand-up. Rudy Jewell's birthday. There it is.

Yeah, we'll get you something. Diet Coke? What did you get Bert for his birthday? A box of cigars. Yeah. You know, that's a classy move. I got him eight of them. Yeah, there were a lot. That's very expensive. I went into a cigar store. Okay, can I say something about Eric Griffin? This fucking motherfucker moves two hours away. Yeah, he lives in- So then he goes, hey, come to my house and do a pod. My 300th. Not knowing, and then I look at the map.

Two hours away. Two hours away. Yeah. I'm out, it's past Magic Mountain. There's even anything up there? Yeah, I thought that's where it ended. Edge of the earth. Yeah, yeah. Like my flat earther, I thought that's where it ended. You know, past six flags, there ain't nothing past six flags. So I got way out there and I'm like, oh my, I was so resentful.

Because it's like- That's a far drive. If it was like Conan O'Brien- He would never live that far. Then maybe. Yeah, but he's not living out there. You know what I mean? If it was like, give me a name. Jump Store. Yes. Three hours. I'd drive wherever the fuck that guy was. San Francisco, I'd drive. San Francisco, I'd walk. Eric Griffin, it's like, that's a 20 minute drive. Send a car. Yeah, that's the most I'll go. He should have sent a car. 15, 20 minutes. Right. You know what I mean? Right. I keep seeing his ad on TikTok. Who?

Who? Eric Griffin. What do you mean ad? For what? I don't know. And your ad for the hot sauce. Hot sauce? Or beer or something. Fireball. Oh, Fireball. Yeah, I keep seeing you on TikTok. The Fireball ad? Mm-hmm. Wow. You're famous. No, but they put it on TV. I didn't know it was on TikTok. It's on TikTok.

Oh, me and Stavros. You remember Stavros, remember him? He came? Yeah. The best. By the way, his movie is getting all sorts of love. It's great. You've seen it. What? Congratulations. I'm not in it. I'm saying Stavros. Everything you've ever done. Oh, thank you. Look at me right now, dude. Yeah. Look at me right now. Uh-huh. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Wait, 84% audience score? That's amazing. That's fucking huge. Yeah. Why no tomato meter? Because there's too few reviews.

Right, because it's an indie. The last year, I've been secretly working on a movie. That's great. There's a part in there. No, no. Because I heard what you already said. You said it and you didn't say it. What? You went, there's a smart... That's not what I said. Play back the tape. In the edit? Yeah. Play back the tape of him going, there's a... Smart. Oh, a smart part. Oh, a smart part.

Mr. fucking, you know what I mean? Assumptions over here. There's a smart part. Yeah. For me. Yeah. What's the character? The smart guy. Oh. The scientist. How many pages? Many pages. Money pages? Many. Many pages. Yeah, you know. How many pages of the film in general?

- 130. - You wrote a 130 page comedy script? - Yep. - That'll never happen. - I'm gonna condense it. - I hope so. - Anyway. - To less than 90. - Okay. - How many pages am I in? How many smart pages am I on? - 10. - I'm in 10. - Yeah, 10 lines. - How many scenes? - 10 lines. - 10 lines, how many scenes? - 10 lines, one scene. - It's one scene, I have 10 lines. - It's a small part. - It's a small part. This is making sense. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're not gonna do the lead.

Time out. You're not the lead of the movie. It's your fucking movie. What's this, pal? Bad Coke. Can I get a can or? Pfft.

- Wow, Bryson got that, right? Bryson, very nice of you, bud. What's the premise of this movie you've put together? And when you say I've been working on it secretly, you haven't been at the computer. - Yeah, but I've been meeting up with the writer. - Telling him what to do. - Well, we go through beats of the movie and you know what I mean? - Okay, I like that. - Yeah, yeah. - I like that. - His name is Mike McGrail. - I love it. And then, so what's the premise of the film? - Well, it's set in the '90s and there's a border crossing between Canada and the US. It's in Washington.

and no one crosses it. Like once a year I got two cars to cross it. So there's a little, it's in the 90s and this is a little border patrol, like three,

that work at that little- Is this based on a true story? Yeah, it's a real place. Okay. Right? And generally the three that are there are like not the best border, there's nothing to do. Yeah. So there's like pranks between the, you know what I mean, the Canadian border and this and that. Meanwhile, a real threat is coming over. Great idea. Right? And we're a bunch of bumbling kind of, you know- I hope that goes because that would be fucking rad. The story's rad. But there's a-

a scene where you're a fan. No. You're not going to get me to do that. I mean this from all my heart. I will never do that movie. No chance. Okay. Yeah. I love you. I love you too, man. You wouldn't do that if it was the other way. You know that. Oh, I've done it before. Name it.

every movie I've ever been in. - No, no, if it was the other way with this, with you and I. - Yeah. - No, no, no. If it was the other way, if I did-- - Okay, so I know that Spade and Theo has a movie, right? - Right. - And they might offer me a small part in it. - Right. - I will do it. - You're not listening to a word I'm saying. If this was the other way and I did, and I said, we have a small part for you, you're not doing it. Do you get it? - Yeah, I would. - No, you wouldn't. - I know, you have your mind? - Test, test, test. No, he wouldn't. - What's a test?

I'm testing these guys because they know. He does say yes to a lot of his friends.

I do. It podcasts. No, I did that Robert Kelly thing on the fucking thing that was terrible. But this is me and you. It's different than those people. You wouldn't do it if I did this thing. It's a funny, really scene stealing kind of part though. It's not like some throwaway thing. It's like, you're going to steal the movie with it. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's super funny. There's violence in it. You make me so mad. I'm going to go to the theater and I'm going to go, man, I wish I was in this. I'm asking you for a favor, dude.

I don't like favors. I'm asking you for a favor. Okay. You know what? What? Okay. That's fine. You throw me, I'll do whatever. No, I'm serious. You're right. No, you're right. And I say yes now. Listen, I'm saying yes. Yeah. Hold on. Hey. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Can I speak to Vic? Who's Vic? This is, I'm calling Morgan Stanley, the bank. They're my loan. Hey guys. Hey Vic. Are we on? Hey. Hey, do you think I could pay my mortgage with favors?

Yeah, our bills. Could I pay them with favors? Okay. Did they take favor slips? Okay. Yeah, like if I can't pay my fucking mortgage this month, is it cool if I say it's for a favor? Hold on. Could they do a favor for me? What's up? All right, Vic, I'll talk to you. We are, right? Bye. He's actually getting a phone call. Wisconsin's done, right? Gene Hong. You should fucking cut it out. You called Morgan & Morgan. Ha ha!

You know I'll do whatever you want. I would do anything for you. And let me have a moment. I'm going to call Amir, though. Let me have a moment with you. Okay. I mean it. You know I would do anything for you anytime. I know. For the rest of my life. After this. All right. Yeah, I'm on bad friends right now, and I think I lost. Get that money out and get it ready, buddy.

I know, dude. I admit I was wrong and I lost and I'm going to give you the 500. What? He was wrong, man. I love Amir. Yeah. Yeah. So it's money, Andrew. Cash money. 500, dude. No, no. Amir, you said it was a thousand.

Yeah, it was $1,000. It was $500 a mirror. If you want to go down this road, I can go down this road with you, dude. Okay? In Trump's America, maybe it's $1,000, but...

All right, brother. I'm going to Australia tomorrow. When I get back, I'll get the 500. Beautiful. I love you, guys. I love you, buddy. Love you, dude. Bye. He's so funny, by the way. Now I feel better because he was the only one I bet it with. Right. Yeah, yeah. I feel better. Good. I accept it. Accept this. You know I'm going to do the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would do anything for you and I mean it. Now look at me. Don't budge me off. I do a bit for the show. You're going to be so mad. There's no part in the movie for you. I'm kidding. There is. Let's move on.

I'm not doing it. No, I'm not doing it. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Let's be real. I'm not doing it. I would never. Fuck that. Fuck it. Give him a churro. Yes, give him a churro. Please give him a churro. Give me a churro. Keep it in the chamber. I want a plate, please.

Give me a plate. You're eating a lot. No, he's not. You're going to puke again. I know I'm not puking. I took a little Zimbiki already. He's already off. You didn't take it today. Yesterday I took it. Yeah, not today. Isn't it every- It's one week. Once a week. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm gurgling. You're gurgling. Yeah, yeah, but I need to do it because I just, I don't know what else to do. Because it's fun. Yeah, yeah. You'll be fine. He found it because this guy's the best. We don't even have, oh, in the cabinets. Yeah. Yeah.

Let me say this. That does sound like a fucking phenomenal movie idea. I really do. I really like that. Like, I think it does sound dope. I think you're going to kill it. They're not going to do it. Why would they not? I don't even understand why. We don't even have a thing yet. With the production team that they've got behind it, people are going to want to do that. Yeah. That's what my dream cast would be. That's your dream cast? Yeah. Oh. They're not attached to it. I just like, I want for this, I want him, I want him. What's so funny? What's so funny?

- 'Cause let me tell you something about your dream cast. For the zombie movie. - I knew that was coming. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - I don't know who these other people are, but I know that who's not in it, us two. And now I swear to God on my mother's life. - Oh, that's right. - On my mother's life, I will never do it. Fucking piss me off now, dude. You just lost me, dude. - This is what you get. - You piece of shit, dude. - This is what you get. - I'm glad you're not, I need a break from you, dude.

I'm glad you're not going to Australia. Oh, shit. Yeah. You want to tell him? What? He's going? Him and his wife and the baby are coming. How? They asked if they could make a family vacation. But that's a whole time. Yeah. No. Don't. I know it's coming. I can hear it. Oh. It's coming now. Rudy, I haven't talked to you all night. I'm sorry. You talk to her. I need time. How are you? I'm good. How are you? What's going on in your world right now? Oh.

Um, nothing. You feeling good? You feeling bad? What's going on? What's the news? Well, I'm scared for the election. You are? Well, it's over. When this podcast comes out, it's over. Yeah. So how do you feel? It's over. It happened. Kamala. Whatever you say. Yeah, so I don't, I'm not going to get deported. Yeah, you will. You'll get deported regardless. You will. Why? If we have anything to do with it.

- But you guys are helping me. - We are, we're gonna keep you in this country for as long as we can. - Let me ask you something. If there was some, like, you know, Trump was like, "I wanna get everyone out of here." Do you think you and I have, be able to figure out her situation or no? - Yeah, we would use like the famous card and we'd get-- - I think that would have to go through, we'd have to go through Rogan maybe.

Yeah, we'd have to go through somebody to keep her here. Yeah, Rogan would. I mean, yeah. Call Trump because you'd endorse them. Yeah, please keep her here. Yeah, keep her. He's not going to kick you out. He's not going to kick you out. I promise. Hopefully. No, he's more likely to kick Andres out for sure. Well, at least revoke. Right. Yeah, revoke the citizenship because. You could find out what kind of trash bag he really is. Yeah. So nothing is going on in your world. You're in school right now.

Yeah, I don't know if I can say it, but I got dumped by my friends. Wait, dumped? I'm sorry, your boyfriend, you mean? Friends. Wait, your friend dumped you? Tell us what happened. Let us be helpful. Okay, but you guys are also the reason why I got dumped. What the fuck did we do? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Please, be honest. Remember when I told you I went to that party?

Hermosa. Yeah. More details. I remember. Sharkies. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those cowboys and stuff there, you said? Yeah, and you guys said I needed new friends because my current friends were trash. I didn't. We didn't say that. That's insane. I don't think we said that at all. Yeah, you did. We said trash? I think so. And then they heard about it. From who?

From the podcast. Why are they listening? Why are they listening to the podcast? That's what I'm saying, but then I guess they're listening. And then what'd they say? And then they ghosted me. Wow. That's not nice. They ghosted you. They know this is a comedy podcast. We're fucking kidding. I explained it in a long letter.

Apologizing for hurting their feelings. No, no, no. Are you being fucking real right now, dude? Okay. I am so livid. Oh, my God. First of all. Don't get me started, dude. What's going on? You shouldn't have to apologize. We're joking around. We're joking around. And you never said anything bad. You never said anything bad. They didn't like that I called them party girls. I want to. It's the real. You know what? I'm glad Trump won. I can't.

- I can't, I can't. I can't, I'm done. - You're done. - I'm done with it. - It's gone too far. - It's two senses, I hate it. - They don't want to be called party girls? - Oh my God. - Why is party girl, is that, in what world would that be like, would that be defamatory? Party girl?

Fuck yeah, you're a party girl. Yeah, you're a party girl. I'm a party guy. I'm a party boy. Yeah. Yeah, so they didn't like it. So wait, they said they called us party, clearly. So what did they, so they called you and goes, we can't believe it. No, they ghosted me. Yeah, but you're assuming that the ghost is attached to that. So I want to know how you know that they saw it.

Because they must have said something. Somebody. Someone from that group that's like, I'm close to them. I texted her personally. And then she said, yeah, we didn't like what you said in the podcast. And you hurt our feelings. Okay.

Okay, first of all, we hurt the feelings. You didn't do that. And then I said party girls. Okay, so then you said party girls. And I kind of nodded when you guys said you need new friends. It's a fucking joke. It's a comedy podcast. I explained that. I can't do it. I'm out. I'm out. Explain it on a letter. Nobody reads letters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's try to make amends now. I'm going to listen. We did listen to the last one.

So Party Girls. I don't know their names, so I don't know how to address them. Listen up, Party Girls. No, no, no. How about Jules' Ex-Friends? Jules' Ex-Friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen to me right now. By the way, you guys are only creating a monster. She's going to become a superhero now because of this, right? Yeah. You're fueling her fire. Okay. So, um...

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- Ladies, okay. Jules is probably one of the best human beings I've ever met in my whole entire life. - Fact. - She's a daughter to me. I love her like I have my own flesh and blood. I really believe that. - Yeah, me too. - I feel that, okay? And there's not a bad bone in her body. - Nope.

Some of this podcasting, mumbo jumbo, we're forcing her to do it really, to be honest with you, because she's so good. You know what I mean? She's just perfect for the show. She's brilliant. Because she's innocent, right? There's just certain dynamics that work well with us, you know, her personality. And so...

We bring her on here, you know what I mean? She's game, right? - She's game. - A lot of times she's just kind of going along with what we're saying. - She's just having fun. - She's having fun. But is she? Sometimes she's not. - I'm having fun. - Yeah, yeah, but at the end of the day, if you take that personally. - Come on. - Keep going? - Yes. - All right. - You're gonna die. - You're gonna die.

The world is a scary place. It's so scary. I mean, not like, I'm not gonna, I'm just saying. No, we're not gonna kill you. Yeah, we're not gonna kill you. I'm just saying life is gonna just plucking. It's gonna eat your life. Come down on you and press you into the dirt. Yes. All right? And just smudge your face deep into the dirt. And then once you learn that Jules is not the- Are you out of your mind? Yeah, that's a bad- Life is hard. Life is hard. I'm so sorry.

And Jules is not the culprit here. We are. We're the evil ones. Yes, she's not. She's just having fun. Innocent. Yeah, yeah. And if that is going to sever a friendship because of a dumb joke that him and I made, that's not chill. Yeah. We know you're not potty girls. We know that you're intelligent, ethical, moral, sensitive. Sensitive for sure. What? Say it.

- Weak. - Yeah, weak. - A little weak. - A little weak. - Tender. - Soft. - Tender soft. - Pliable. - Pliable, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Malleable. - Malleable, yeah, malleable. I like that word, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Valuable, but malleable. - Valuable, but malleable. - And look, we don't know you and we love you. - We love you. - And we want you to know that Jules loves you. And she's a sensitive soul too. And she doesn't like someone taking a joke that these two morons made

to heart because we're dumb idiots. We really are. Look at the set that we're on. The set that we're on? Look, we're inside of a McDonald's. I mean, give me a break. We're morons. We're morons. And we're just trying to have fun.

And please don't take it out on Jules. Just having fun. Two guys just having fun. So Jules is a great girl. And if it's, you know, at the end of the day, I honestly believe this. It's so your loss. That's your loss if you don't want to be friends with her. Really? Because this is a rising person. This is a great human. Yeah, he's rising. You're just going to lose a good human. You know who she is, dude? You know who she is? What? Have you ever seen Logan? Logan Paul? No, not Logan Paul. The movie Logan.

Oh yeah, Logan. The origin story? Yeah. Logan? Yeah. Remember the little girl? Oh yes. With the two claws? Yes. Right? She's from Spain. She's from Spain, yeah? Shut up, Andres. Okay, zoom in on that.

That right there is Rudy. That's Rudy. Because she loves knives, right? And so, hey, party girls, you want to fuck with that? I wouldn't. I wouldn't fuck with that. I'd want that on my side. Right. See that body right there? That was a party boy. That was a party boy. Yeah, yeah. And she destroyed him, right? So if you don't call her back...

You're going to have war with us. That's right. You don't want that. You don't want that. That's bad. You call her back. You invite her back to Moose McGillicuddy's or wherever you guys go. It was Moose McGillicuddy's. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever, right? Or Sharky's Pizza or Woodfire Mexican food, whatever it is. Yeah, Pitfire. Pitfire. Yeah. Right, right. And you go out and hang out with these fucking- And have fun. Have fun.

And just know that you're party girls. Know that you are party girls. You know what? I'm going to double down on it. You are party girls. You're absolutely party girls. Right? Because we get mad at the things we are. Yeah, we get mad at the things we are. And you got mad because somebody called you a party girl because you're a party girl, party girl. We did a full fucking tweet. We came right back to where we started. We don't care. Yeah. You know what?

I'm good. No, you know what? I'm going to go this way. Stop. Stop. Good. Don't ever talk to them again. I'm not. Don't ever talk to them again. I just thought about it. It's fucking uncalled for. You deserve cool friends that don't care about two idiots saying something dumb. Yeah. It's just awkward going to school because I see them a lot.

Oh yeah? You know what dude? Don't see them. Don't see them. Pretty small. Yeah. What? In school? I can see them though. But I see people that I don't see. You'll still listen to this right? This is true. This is true dude. He did it yesterday. Yeah I do it all the time. If there's somebody at a party I don't like. Yeah you don't see them. I see them but I don't. I didn't know you were there. Yeah I see right through them. I didn't even see you at the party. See right through them. Yeah. Okay. They're nothing. That's great. Yeah.

You're in a movie, okay? I'll tell you something right now. There was a movie called Commando. Love. Do you remember the movie Commando? Yeah. Who was in the movie Commando? Carlos? McCone doesn't know. McCone, do you know? I actually haven't seen Commando. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was in it, Andres? Arnold. Dural Arnold's in Commando, right? Yeah.

There's a scene in Commando. Well, this is probably I could use probably a million other movies. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why I used Commando. It just came to my mind. Yeah. Because I just remember watching Commando as a kid. And there was like a couple of people exploding in the background. Love. Right. And I'm like, I always thought to myself, oh, that actor, he's got not much to do. Yeah. Yeah.

So that was Commando. It's Mr. Steal Your Girl. But if you see that, right, there's a million people that die in back of him. They explode, they get shot up and whatever, right? A lot of times it's like that. Be Commando. Be Commando. Right. Shoot him up. Shoot him up, dude. Well, don't literally, but metaphorically shoot him up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be that guy. Okay. And with the little Logan girl. Like a combo deal. Okay. Commando Logan. Dude, you're Commando Logan, dude. You're Commando Logan. In fact, when you turn Saturday, that's your new name. Commando Logan. Yeah. Yeah.

Salute, Amanda Logan. That's British. That's the British. That is. That's US. No, that's British. No way, dude. That's British. This? Yeah.

Doing my national anthem, are you? Bees on toast loves it when you do that. Is that really British? No. What is it? That's ours. Thank you. Yeah. Hey. Yeah.

It's British. Yeah, it's British. I know you're right. That's all right. Yeah, so I have a crush. You have a little new crush? It's gay. And that's okay. Whoa! Ring the bell. I finally got you to come out on this show. After all these years of doing the three-card Monty, he finally picked up the one. It's a smart roll. Oh, it is? Go ahead. Who's the crush? Charles Milton. So it is gay. No, I just think he's hot. What do you mean? What do you mean?

- What do you mean? - You said, no, it's not gay. - It's not gay. - That's gay. - That's gay. - It's not gay. - How isn't- - 'Cause I hung out with him. I went bowling with him. - Right, so you're gay. - No, he taught me how to bowl. - I've heard that before. - What? - A guy- - No, honestly, he really did. He's like, dude, the underhand, 'cause you know how I bowl and I go underhand? - Yeah, you flip it. - He grabbed my hand like this and he goes, grip it like this, right? Keep your eye on the- - That's a date.

No, it's not a date, dude. He showed you how to bowl? Yeah, and then he goes, it's not about strength. I want more accuracy. This sounds so gay. No, and I just looked over his face and he smiled. That guy right there. Yeah, and so I learned and then I had the best score I've ever gotten that game. He scored well too. It was me, Charles Milton, and Ali Wong on one team. And then Gene, Sonny,

You know what I mean? From Beef and some other people on the other team. And Charles Milton taught me how to fucking bowl. And you got a little crush. And that's not a crush. I'm not gay. You said crush to start the whole thing. I think that he, but can I be honest with you? Ask me if you think I think I see if he's handsome. Do you think? Couldn't even get it out. I couldn't even get it out. Ask me, yeah. Do you think Charles Milton is handsome? Yeah. And I can say that as a hetero. Okay. Do you get butterflies when seeing him?

It's not butterfly. You know, here's what I got excited about. Can I tell you how I got excited? Sounds like butterflies, doesn't it? Yeah. You don't know what butterflies are then. You do. Yeah, I think I do. And I think you look at that right now. Stare at that for five seconds quietly. He doesn't look like that. Stare at that. Five, four, three, two, one. I can actually see it in your eyes. You're having like a throwback in your eyes. All right, so you got a little crush. Yeah, a ton of crush. It's a man crush.

So I was at the bowling alley and he comes, he has a motorcycle, right? So he has a helmet, right? Of course he does. He has like one of those Wolverine leather jackets, right? And he looks greasy. Yeah. And he just came out, took the helmet off. And I looked at, I could recognize him already, right? But I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I said,

I said, don't make the first move. Don't, like, just be cool. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I was just kind of like looking at the- You sound like a girl on a date. No, no, no. I was looking at the ball. So I see him. I was right next to where the rack of the bowling. So I was like sticking my fingers in the holes to see which- Whoa. What? You think that's a thing? Mm-hmm. No, but I'm trying to find the right hole. Yeah, I know you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you are. Right? And then he goes, he comes right up to me and he goes, I'm a big fan of yours. Yeah. And I go, you want a bowl?

- He goes, "Eat first." So we ate first. - So you had a date, you had a dinner date. - No, 'cause Gene was there too. The one we just talked to earlier. - Sure. - Yeah. - Gene was eating with you? - Yeah, me, Gene, and Charles. And we ate. - Was it ever just you and Charles alone? - No, no. - Did you want it to be? - No. You see, this is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about. - At the end of the night. - This is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about. - When he said goodbye. - Take the fucking photo off, dude. - When he said goodbye, no, leave it up. At the end of the night when he said goodbye, did you kind of want to hang some more?

He's a talented guy. I want to learn some more. Did you want to hang some more? Yeah, I want to learn things from him. He taught me how to bowl. You wanted to see him again. Did you exchange numbers? No, I didn't. Do you wish you did? Nope. Is this a little cry on the internet? No, no, this is so stupid what you're doing right now, dude. I'm not gay. It's ridiculous. It's okay. No, don't do it. That doesn't work, whatever you're doing. It doesn't matter. Okay. No one cares. Anyway, you don't have man crushes? Because let me say something right now. I saw at the party last night, dude. I think you do. On whom? What? On whom? Chris Porter. Chris Porter.

- That's right, man crush. You're swinging for it. You're really reaching out. - I was reaching for it, yeah. - Fitzsimmons. - Yeah, you and Fitzsimmons have a little man crush. He's a great guy. - We just love to, he shits on me. Like the way we joke is the way you and I joke. - Yeah, yeah. - He's got great- - He's a great guy. - Great rhythm. He'll talk really good shit. By the way, the barbecue we had last night? - AJ's. - So good. - So good. - My God, dude. The one thing I, the problem I have with- - Can I say? - Go ahead. No, go ahead. - Here's my problem. - Go ahead.

I'm going to say my problem now and what all I wanted to hear my problem. Say it, baby. Okay. So it's so funny because that bowling party and Bert's party, there was one common thread. And guess what the common thread is? There was something there at both parties. And I think I know you know what it is. Oh, yeah. What is it? People that don't deserve to be there. No, no, no. I'm kidding. No, it's something you consume. I'm kidding. Something you consume. Weed. No. Alcohol. It's a food.

Oh, cake. Whose cake? Tom Cruise. Yes. Bingo. Tom Cruise cake. So there's a cake. Coconut. It's a coconut cake that Tom Cruise...

in all the party, he gives it as gifts apparently. And when he goes to events like weddings and whatnot, he brings his cake and apparently it's legendary. - Tom Cruise cake. - It's called Tom Cruise coconut cake, okay? So when I went to that beef party where I saw Charles, there were six Tom Cruise cakes and they made an announcement. Tom Cruise cake. They bring that out, right? And I ate it, I'm like,

Yeah, that's fine. But then Burt brings it out. Hey guys, you can't believe it. Like they, as if it was from Tom Cruise's asshole. Yeah. I mean that, that's the fucking, you know what I mean? The oven. He does poop white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It was almost as if, and they're like, we got it. Like it's hard to find. Right. So I waited in line like everyone. Yes, you did. I was excited. You were very excited. Yeah, yeah. God, I'll get the Tom Cruise cake again. You know what I mean? But I like the sheet cake better.

The sheet cake was better. It was so good. The sheet cake. The sheet cake. The sheet cake was good. That was so good. That was so good. But the Tom Cruise cake is good. Sure. Right? But when you're eating it, you're like, if I didn't know this was Tom Cruise's cake, would I go, ooh, best coconut cake I ever had? No. I don't think so. No, you go, this is how it tastes like coconut cake. It's a good coconut cake. You ever had coconut cake? I don't like coconut cake. Yeah. What if they all have, like, there's a Matt Damon Danish cake.

Oh, a Damon Danish? Right, like a Damon Danish. Or do you think everyone has one thing? Yeah, I would. I would love to have a Bobby Lee flan. Ooh. Like at a party, people are like, we got it, Bobby Lee flan.

- It'd probably be something else. - What do you mean? - Flan is typically a Mexican. - Yeah, but that's what makes it intriguing. A Korean dude, you know what I mean? - Well, you'd be like-- - The Tom Cruise cake isn't something that he made. He found it, the baker, and he was like, "Oh, this is my thing." - You think that's good? Wait 'til you try Bobby Lee's flan. - Well, they have a carrot cake there. - That's mine. - Last night, I ate it. It was better than the coconut cake. - That's Andrew Santino's carrot cake.

That is...

- I was gonna say it was Bobby Lee's carrot cake. - I'm orange. - Oh fuck. - That clearly would be my cake. - Oh yeah, maybe they have a 11 pound cake. That could be Bobby Lee. - It's much more than 11 pound cake. - What? Lemon pound cake. - Oh, lemon pound, that's you. - Yeah, yeah. - I thought you said 11 pound cake. I was like, that's, come on. - I never said 11 pound cake. - Oh no, the 11 is the number you need to lose, the 11 pound cake. That's what it is. - Okay, okay. - Lemon pound cake, you're right, I'm sorry. Lemon pound cake, that's the Bobby Lee cake. - Yeah, not 11.

- You're kind of more of like a seven layer dip. That's kind of your, that's-- - If they have that there, then maybe I can claim it. - Maybe a seven layer dip cake. - Okay, anyway. - Okay, lemon pound cake Bobby Lee, carrot cake Andrew Santino. - Yeah, yeah. - What's Rudy? - What would you have? - Can I be a brownie? - That's actually a really good-- - Yeah, we got Rudy Jules' brownie and they're like, "Rudy who?" No, they won't do that. I love you. - Yeah, you gotta take a bite, it's like-- - Take that, that was mean.

Take a bite of the Rudy Jules. That could be you right there. What? Oobay cake. You're like blood sausage. Take a bite, and you know what it tastes like? What? A party girl in your mouth when you take a bite of that stuff. Yeah. Mmm, a party girl in your mouth. Now, would you eat the cake if it was something that you didn't like? If it was good. Yeah. I mean, like, this is JD Vance, you know, croissant. If it was bomb. Yeah, maybe. Like that. What? You don't know who made that.

A real grade A bigot could have made that. It's really good. Still delicious. Yeah. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, what's going on? Oh, he is? Come on, sit down, Dax. How are you? Hello, Dax. Dax, hello. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hello. Dax, how'd you feel last Tuesday? Good, that was fun. I was nervous, but that was fun. You did such a great job. You did a great job.

Do you feel like you did well? It was hard to tell because it was quite overwhelming. I had never done it in front of that many people, but it was fun. You killed. Thank you. Can we see some of it? Before you play that, did you vote? Yes. Okay. What's your prediction? That Kamala Harris will win? Uh-huh.

When will this come out? Right now? It's already over. When this comes out, it already happened. Oh, okay. Yeah, so now that it's, now we're in the future now, right? Trump won. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so. But you're fine. Yeah. Look at that. Look at that. All right, here we go. Let's watch this tape. Hey, everyone. I hope you're doing awesome. Very good so far. Thank you. Clap your hands if you like the bad friends. Smart. I can't hear you. Awesome.

So I love going to the aquarium. My favorite thing is always just looking at all the jellyfish, but I always just wish there were some peanut butter fish as well. I, um...

Recently went through a breakup. Not my fault, I promise. But basically, she used to get headaches all the time. And she'd get really mad at me because I'd be like, don't worry, it's only in your head. And then she'd be like, no, I really have a headache. And I'd be like, no, literally, it's just in your head. All right. Honestly. Honestly. So you felt good? Yeah, it was really fun. Well, the next step is...

Take it on the road. Okay. Yeah. Did you get a good response online? Were people hitting you up and like, saw the show? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. People were like, that's awesome you performed there because people love that place. We do. Yeah. It is home to us. Do you get some vaginal? No. Was that a yes? No. I just went and just filmed like an outro and then went home. Right. Now your friend-

- Unusual guy. - Oh, he's nice. - He is very nice. - No, you're not a nice guy. I didn't say, he's a nice guy. - Yeah, he was very nice. - Yeah, yeah, I'm just saying that he was like a little like you. - Okay, yeah, yeah. - Unique. - Unique. - Definitely. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We need your help with something. So Rudy, we made a joke on this show as we do pretty heavily, right? And we made a joke about these girls that Rudy used to hang out with, right? And it was our fault, but then they punished her by ghosting her and,

becoming ex-friends because of something we joked about. Oh, wow. She needs help getting these friends back in her life. Okay. We've tried to apologize. I don't even know if we did a good job. I don't think so. But I think you can... Can you offer advice to her on how to get these friends back in her life? Did you already look into the camera and say what you want to say to them? Like, not a... I guess they don't need an apology, but maybe just an explanation, right? Yeah. No, I sent like a whole letter, like a long letter to them and they still never...

- Wow, maybe they're not the right friends. Or if you do wanna still be friends with them, you can just say it to the camera. - Well, I mean, here's the thing. I think maybe it'd be great if you kinda told her what to say and then she could say it. - Like what to text?

Yeah, so why don't you look in the... Why don't you pretend like you're Rudy? You're her. And then maybe she can just get something from the way you... Just rehearse it or something, you know? Why don't you look in the camera? Look in this camera and go, dear friends or whatever. Hey, guys. What they say, I'm not responsible for. I just am friends with them or whatever. And go on their podcasts every week and stuff. And just I can't be held responsible for that kind of thing. And let's just hang out.

Let's ask for their friendship back. And can you just please come on and hang out with me? And here's why. And here's why. I have a lot to offer. I'm very friendly. We've had a lot of fun times together. And actually, I might even introduce you to them sometime and y'all could discuss your differences. And...

I'd love to have y'all on the show to hash it out. And I'll tell you what. And I'll tell you what. If you do that, you're going to have a heck of a time because maybe we'll go to Six Flags afterward. Or we could even go to the bowling alley or party. Oh, sensitive word. Yeah.

- Or I could teach you a new language like. - Or I could teach you a new language like any that you wanna know that I know. - And like, I'll give you an example of my. - English. - But the other one. - And also Spanish and. - But here's a little sample. - Hola. - Yeah.

My name is Rudy. I like you. I like you. I like you. And my friends are bad. Bad friends. I also know some Japanese. Hello. Yeah. Tagalog. Tagalog. My language. Oh, okay.

Tagalog. What is it? How do you say it? Tagalog. Tagalog. Tagalog. Tagalog, yeah. I will teach you that. Okay. And let's hear some of that. Just make it up. Tagalog. I love Tagalog. Yeah, yeah, Tagalog. I love Tagalog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think you will too. What does it sound like, Tagalog? Yeah, yeah. Like Spanish? Let's hear some of it, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Tagalog.

All right. That's a good letter. I mean, did you grab anything from that, Rudy? Yeah. I mean, I feel like you'd learn. I think you did it, dude. I think you really did it, dude. Dax, what's going on in your personal life? You got any good news? You got anything coming up? What's going on? Nothing. I'm always just kind of making videos and

That's about it. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. We love it. I watch them literally every week. Everything you put up, I watch. I really enjoy it. What do you, what's your, what's, do you have any goals in life that you're looking forward to? Um, well, I guess I, uh, enjoyed doing like standup in front of a real crowd outside of an open mic and then just maybe doing more standup and maybe just more videos, uh,

continuing like maybe dating stuff and maybe. - Oh yeah, are you dating anybody now? - No, not at all. - Not even a little bit? - No. - There's no prospects either? - No, no. - Is there a way we-- - But do you have sexual urges? - Okay. - Too much? - Yeah. - Can I retract? - Yes. - Yeah. - And then do you? - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. - Yeah, of course. - Okay. - Is there a way we could help facilitate maybe you meeting somebody?

Not that I know of. Why? We're good wingmen. We're good wingmen. Oh, maybe giving me just advice. We're good wingmen. Oh, like going to a bar kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, we can go to a bar. We don't need to go to a bar. There's a ton of places we can go. We can go to a bowling alley. We could go for a hike. We can see babes on a hike. And what would you do? To get women to notice you? If you were on a hike and saw someone. Well, if we saw a couple of girls, we'd say, hello, do either of you know who we are? And if they said no, we would move on. Ha ha ha!

- No, no, no. - Yeah, I'd walk right away. And if I found a new group of girls and I said, "Hi, do you know who we are?" And they go, "Yes, we know bad friends." I said, "Fantastic." I'd like you to meet my dad. - This is what I would do on a hike. Can I? May I? - Yeah. Let me do you on a hike. Guys! Guys! Okay, go, go ahead. Go ahead. You see? Fuck, don't throw up on the show. - I'm about to do it. - Please don't. - You almost made me do it. - Are you gonna? - No. - All right. - So anyway. - You see a couple girls.

No, what I would do is I'd hide you off the trail. No, that's smart. Yeah, hiding on a trail, a hike trail. Girls love that. I'm not done, dude. I know. I go up to a girl and go, oh my God, my baby just got attacked by a fucking mountain lion. Carlos, right? Smart. And they're like, well, yeah, the mountain lion's gone, but I... Can you help? Where's the baby? Come over here. They follow me, right? And then you're on the ground, right? As if I'm your son? Yeah, you are my son. You're my baby. Okay. And your arms hurt. Okay. So do it like...

Yeah. I go, are you okay, baby? I need help. Yeah. But then once you say that, I'm gone. Now it's just you and the kid. Now it's you and me. What happened to you, baby boy? Just fell while hiking. Oh, God. Does it hurt? Yeah. Do you want me to kiss it? My own life.

Oh, there was a mountain lion that knocked me over. There was a mountain lion that did this to you? Yep. Are you okay? I think I need help. Would you want to come back to my house? I have an ice pack in my house. Yeah, for sure. You'd like to do that? You would? No, we're at the house. Hey. Lay down, lay down. Lay down. You look hurt. This is my roommate. Hi, I'm Sabrina. She sings everything. I sing everything. She has to. She has a mental. Anyway, I got to go to work.

- Work, stay here with this baby that I found on the trail. - Oh, I want to give him a blow job. - Do you want a blow job? - I'm interested in you. Yeah, yeah. - Make signals. - Wait a minute. Do you want a blow job from me or my roommate or both of us? - I don't know. - Well, think about it. - Think about it. I gotta go to work. - Who wants two more?

Oh my god. Oh my god. Me! Let's flip a coin. Okay. Okay. Heads. You won. Give him head. Here we go. Can I watch? She loves to jerk off while I get blood jobs. Okay. Can I watch? Sure. Okay. Cool. Sorry, she has to eat a meal first before she gives you a blowjob. I'm eating a breakfast burrito.

Let me, can I finish my breakfast? She always eats breakfast beers before she gives head. That's like her thing. Sausage. And the sriracha will burn on your penis. It's on her lips. Okay. All right, she's ready now. Give me the orange juice. Here it is. Pull out your penis, Dax. Vitamin C. You need it before you get some vitamin D. All right, here I go. I do little kisses on the thighs first. I like to announce everything I'm doing.

Oh, man. What do you think, bud? I'm coming up. I'm coming up. I'm coming up. Oh, here she comes. I do a train. Choo-choo-choo. Choo-choo-choo. Choo-choo-choo. Choo-choo-choo. Choo-choo-choo. I'm by the little, the twin mountains. Uh-oh, there they are. There they are. The Rockies. The Rocky Harry Mountain. Choo-choo-choo.

Oh, and I'm going up the mountain, the main mountain. Ooh. That one's steep. Where there's a white snow tip. Oh, look at, yeah, snow cap. Snow cap. Snow cap. Does it feel good? Yes, thanks. Yeah, yeah.

If he said that, I would stop. Yeah, you'd have to watch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I would watch it. So pretty good, right? But I guess we're going to do that. We'll take you on a hike and we'll try to get girls that way. Okay. Does that sound good? Yeah. Any girl that's out there, our very funny and attractive cool friend Dax is open and available. So send him a DM. Then we'll see what you can get. And would I, in that scenario? You don't have to do any of that. You're just going to talk to them like people. Yeah, maybe like, maybe not talk so much. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Like always say yes.

So anytime a girl goes, "Can I give you fellatio?" Don't hesitate. And they'll never say that word. They won't? They'll never use the word fellatio. You'll never hear that. Don't be listening for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll say anything. What if I'm English? "Can I give you fellatio?" Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Can I give you fellatio?" "Can I give you fellatio, mate?" What would they say then? "Can I suck your cock?" Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. "Can I give you head?" Yeah, but just don't deny it. Just go yes immediately.

You know what I mean? - Yeah. - And then also- - Anybody really, if anybody asks. If Fancy asks, McCone. - Yeah, and if somebody asks you, does it feel good, would you say? - Yes. - No, maybe not, just thumbs up maybe. - How about this, say, oh yeah. - Oh yeah, say that. - Ready? Does that feel good? - Oh yeah. - Honestly, dude, that's- - We gotta try it again. - You gotta do it again. Be real, dude. - Hey, does that feel good?

Oh yeah. No. No, you can't laugh at her. They're like, oh yeah. That's how you would say it? Oh yeah. Like the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's right, Kool-Aid man. Okay, here we go. Ready? Oh yeah. Does that feel good, Dax? Oh yeah. The better. Do you like how that feels? Mm-hmm.

- You're shy, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah. - And you know what they love? You know what they love when they're, they pat him on the head. So say, "Oh yeah," and then pat them, pat her on the head. Does that feel good? - Pat the head. - Oh yeah. - Yeah. I'm interested to see, I mean-- - I love you, Dax. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is Dax a-- - Fucking best. - Does Dax make a noise, you think? - What, fuck noises? - No, like a cum noise.

Now ask him. Do you make cum noises? I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You don't know? Yeah. Yeah, okay, good. Bob does. Tell him. What do you mean, tell him what? Your noise. Oh, what do you mean? Do your noise for him. All right. Make him feel comfortable. Is that really it? Not really, no. You want me to be real? Yeah. Don't laugh. Dude, I sort of... Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Stop fucking around right now, dude. Okay. Yeah.

It really is a serious show. I'm being intimate right now and I'm being real. He is. And you're laughing at my soul. Yeah, you're cackling at him. You're cackling at me. Okay. Okay. So just look at me. Yeah. So you're doing it again, dude. Dax. Dax. Dax, you gotta watch him. You gotta look at me, dude. Dax. Dax. You're on a date. You do it. No, I think. I think you should. You're great. You gotta finish with him. His acting is much better. So go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Look at him. Don't look away. Yeah, don't look away, dude. Oh.

Dax Dax you're ruining the moment yeah anyway we love you so much bud you're the greatest when we do dates in the states we're gonna bring you on 100% some of these shows and we should do a Dax dating show I think we should yeah yeah would you like that or no

I could step out of my comfort zone and try it. I would love that. Yeah, I'd love to. Because I want to find you love. Of all the jokes we make on this show, I do would love to find you love because you're a rad dude. I think you deserve somebody fucking cool. You're so fucking sweet and cool. You're a sweet guy. I would love to find someone for you if you'll let us help. If you don't want our help, fine.

Say fuck you guys. Say that right now. Say fuck you guys. I would accept your help. Okay, great. I think we should do it. I think we should do it. We'll do a Dax Dating Show. And by the way, if there's girls out there right now that are like, I would love to be at least on a Zoom to hit up carlosinthebooth at gmail.com. That's going to get you-

submittals. I think we should take submittals right now. CarlosInTheBooth at gmail.com. Girls that want to be on the Dax Dating Show, we'll have them back. We'll either Zoom you in. We'll Zoom you in. We'll Zoom you in or if you live in Southern California, maybe we'll link you guys up somehow. And then the winner, we're going to send to a very nice dinner date that we'll pay for. We'll pay for a dinner. We'll pay for a night in a hotel, whether you use it or not. Okay, we'll pay for a car service. You know what we'll do? We'll even get you a tux.

We'll get you all dressed up for the date. Does that sound good? I think it's a good idea. Tux seems like a weird first date thing. No, that's what all the cool guys do. That's what every cool guy does. You think we're cool? We do it. We tux. We tux it up. What would be more impressive, Rudy, when a guy shows up on a first date than a tux? Normal clothes. Well, for you, but you're not right. That's the point. You're basic. In a good way. Every first date I've ever been on, I tuxed up.

When you say car service, do you mean limo? Yeah. What do you think we mean? Now, when you say limo, what do you mean? Yeah. What do you mean? A limo? Do you mean like a stretch limousine? Yeah. Yeah. When we say limo, we mean white van. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we mean. Okay. Yeah. It's a windowless van. A windowless van. Now, when you say limo, do you think people still get stretch limousines around town?

- I guess not really, but-- - They don't. - Okay. - Yeah, no one does. - Yeah. - They haven't made them in 36 years, but I do think we'll get you a town car. - Okay. - How about that? - Is that one of the black SUVs? - A town car is just a black sedan. - Okay, cool. - But how about this? Do you want us to get you a limo service for the night, a stretch?

I'll get you a fucking stretch limousine. A prom one. Yeah, a prom one. I don't specifically want that. No, it sounds like you want one. He was a little demanding. He did say, do I get a limo? So that's what you want, the white long one? Yeah, or the black one. What do you like, long black limo or long white limo? Or we can do like a penguin thing where it's like purple. You know what? It would be great if we dressed you like the penguin. Like the cartoon version with the top hat.

- Black tuxedo. - You mean Cobblepot. - The Cobblepot, purple, right? We could be minions or, you know. - Love to. - I'd love to do a minion thing. - Can we be involved? - Yeah. Will we open the door for you and your date? You know what I mean? We have, you know, I could be Harley Quinn, I don't know. Yeah, who do you think? Poison Ivy? - Poison Ivy, yeah, more. - You, I think. - I'll be Catwoman. - Sandman. - Sandman, yeah. - Sandman, that's not even the thing. - Doesn't matter. - No, I need to know. - I'll be the Riddler.

Okay. No, you know what? I'll be Mr. Freeze. Yeah, be Mr. Freeze. Perfect. I'll be Mr. Freeze. Well, this sounds good. Does this sound good to you? Jules, you can be Bane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. Perfect. Well, let's wrap up the show the right way, Dax. If you have one, and I think you do, can you end the show with a joke on camera? A new joke that you've got? A new one? Yeah. You can do an old one. Can I pull out my phone? 100%. Yeah. I'd rather you do that. I mean, I don't expect you to memorize all that stuff.

But I'd love you to end the show with a new joke. I've been getting fast food too much lately. You know what? I could stop for a second. I'm so sorry. I love your jokes, right? But I think a better exercise is to just come up with something improvised. Okay. Can we give you a topic? Can I hear the premise though at least? I was actually interested. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, okay. So whenever I go through fast food places, they're always like,

"Thanks so much, enjoy your meal." And then I say, "You too." But I'm the one eating the meal, not them. - It's a Brian Regan joke. - Oh, I didn't know it existed. I didn't mean to steal it. - It does, yeah. - Let's twerk it. - Let's twerk it. - How about this? How about this? Whenever I go to fast food restaurants, a lot of times on the drive-through, they'll say, "Enjoy your meal." You know how hard it is for me to tell them, you know how hard it is for me to not tell them to go fuck themselves?

I think it's something about- Let's hear that. Let's hear you say that. Okay, I have one. Let's hear you say that. Ready? I've been getting fast food a lot lately, and every time I go through, they say, "Enjoy your meal." You know how hard it is for me to not tell them to fuck themselves?

- Or something arbitrary. - That's pretty good. Yeah, that's really good. - I think it's something arbitrary and weird 'cause he's a weird guy, right? - Yeah. - So it's like, "Enjoy your meal," they say, and you go, "Aliyup, GoPro." - "Aliyup, GoPro," all the way. - All the way. "Aliyup, GoPro," all the way. So try that. - And the joke is that it's just a funny random thing? - No, it'll make sense when you say it. - It'll make sense when you say it, yeah, yeah. - I've been getting fast food way too much lately. Every time I go, they're like, "Enjoy your meal," and I say, "Aliyup, GoPro," all the way.

Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep. Do it again with the beep, beep. Again, thank you.

- And try to do the best English accent you can. - Alley-oop, GoPro all the way, beep beep, it's gotta be British. - It's gotta be British. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I've been getting fast food way too much lately. Every time I go through the drive-through though, they're like, "Enjoy your meal." And I say, "Alley-oop, GoPro all the way, beep beep." - And we wrote a joke. - We just wrote a joke. - And that's very good. - Yeah, it's very good. - All right, let's hear the other one that's not a premise. - Oh, that was the one that was not a premise. - Oh. - Oh. - Yeah, yeah. - That was my fault. - Premise would be like,

Like, I think my phone is listening to me and then something funny or like something about red flags or something. So I think my phone is listening to me. Yeah. And from what I know, they're made in China. Yeah. So I know they can't see me. And what does that mean? If these phones are really made in China, how come the front facing camera lens is very round? Yeah. Yeah.

That's very good. Now I see where you're going, right? Correct, yeah. Yeah, and- We're riffing here, by the way. Yeah, we're just riffing, right? Right. I think my phone is listening to me. Boy, I hope it doesn't hear me when I'm what? Fucking myself. Fucking myself. Let's hear you say that. Yeah. I think my phone is listening to me. I hope it doesn't hear me when I'm fucking myself.

Yeah, it doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound right because I think you're rushing the punchline. You're rushing the punchline. Okay, okay. Yeah, and-- How about this? You know, I think my phone is listening to me. Thank God it's not watching me 'cause when I'm looking at it, I'm usually jerking on my ding dong. Can you say that? Beep beep. Beep beep. The beep beep has to be there. It's gotta be there. It's gotta be there. I think my phone is listening to me. Thank God it's not watching me because when I'm looking at it, I'm usually jerking on my ding dong. Beep beep.

Every time I'm looking at my phone. I think my phone's listening to me. Okay. I think my phone's listening to me. Wait, I think my phone's listening to me. Thanks. Thank God it's not watching me. I think my phone's listening to me. Thank God it's not watching me because every time I'm looking at it, I'm usually just like jacking off.

Jerking off my ding dong. Beep, beep. Exactly. That was perfect. Perfect, dude. That was perfect. I think we got a new joke. Yeah, so write that down. Every time I'm looking at it, I'm jerking off my ding dong. Beep, beep.

Yeah. By the way, if you do a series of jokes that end with beep beep, it will fucking rush. Yeah, beep beep is your hook. That's your calling. Like a catchphrase? It's a catchphrase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beep beep is your catchphrase. Well, Dax, will you look in that camera and say thanks for being a bad friend? Thanks for being a bad friend. Great. Love you, dude.