Fireballs Of Hate Flame
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This episode of Bad Friends is presented and fueled by Huel, your go-to for complete nutrition. Try Huel with 15% off today using code BADFRIENDS at my.huel.com slash BADFRIENDS. Hey! Scary time USA. Scary time USA. You guys missed that live. You missed out because it was probably... One of the best I've ever done. Strongest we've ever done. I think it felt so cool. It felt cool. And right now, you can still watch it. You didn't get to see it live. It's not going to be as beautiful when it's not live, but you can still watch it.

A edited cut of most of almost everything that we did on there at moment.co slash bad friends. Scary Time USA has also got one-off shirts, hoodies, posters, stuff like that on the site that we're going to stop selling after Scary Times USA is gone. So 18 days left from right now is all you got. Go to moment.co slash bad friends. Hey! Hello, hello, hello.

We're going to be down under, mate. Listen, we added shows, and you guys have done such a great job coming out and see us that we had to add shows. So Sydney, we got a couple of shows. We're doing Brisbane, Auckland, Melbourne, a couple of shows. Adelaide. Adelaide. Perth, Australia. And then finally, Singapore. Singapore.

If you want to come see us in any of those spots, you better get your tickets right now. They're going to sell. BadFriendsPod.com. BadFriendsPod.com for the tickets. What a joy. We may never even, it'll be a long time. We probably may not come back together. Who knows? All right. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You know what I've been watching is kids watching Sixth Sense for the first time. How do you not know the outcome of that movie? Well, if people that were born in the year 2000, a 24-year-old doesn't know. When did Sixth Sense come out? I always just feel like that's something that they, you know, it's like, you know, Soylent Green are people. Do you remember that? Yeah. Yeah.

I never even saw Soiling Green, but I know Soiling Green are people. Yeah, but 99, this movie came out. Okay. So kids born in 2000, 2001, young 20-year-olds, they wouldn't have seen this. No, I'm saying they haven't seen it, but would they know the, you know what I mean? The bit? The switch. Right, maybe. The surprise. I just feel like that's a part of, but when you watch YouTubers or people watching it, they get really, oh, is he dead? You know, whatever. I don't want to give it away, but they're,

They get freaked out. You see black dudes too, especially. It's always black dudes. Oh, no! You know what I mean? They go, no!

By the way, you know we've reached peak internet. Someone literally sent this to me yesterday. I came up and I didn't text Carlos. You know how black dudes will get high and watch comedy stuff? Yeah. There's two black guys that got high to watch Bad Friends. No. And I was like, we made it. I don't want to watch it. We made it. I don't even want to watch it because they laugh. When black dudes get high and watch us. Do they watch? Yeah. Do they laugh? They were dying. Yeah. That made me feel so cool. That's like when a black guy calls you the N word. You know what I mean? And you're like, all right, I'll take it. Yeah.

Because I did a firefighter show. You did a firefighter show? What did you say? A firefighter show? What did you think I said? A firefighter show. I said firefighter show. That sounds the same. No, did I slow it down? Do it one more time. I did a firefighter show. Firefighter show. That's not what I said. Firefighter show. Bro, bro, bro. Come on, dude. It's a firefighter show.

Right. Go ahead. Ryu was there. Fireball. Is that what he says? Wait, what is it? Hadouken? No, it's Street Fighter. Is it Street Fighter? Yeah, Street Fighter. Hadouken. Hadouken. That's what he says? Hadouken? Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's Haruken. Okay. Haruken, wave motion or fist of surge. Special attack from Capcom Street Fighter. Anyway. Sorry. So you're at a firefighter show. Am I saying it right? I think so. Yeah. A fireman show. Yeah? That's gay. Yeah, it sounds like a little gay burlesque show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to put you out. Oh, okay.

Well, then forget it. No, come on. I mean, I don't even want to partake anymore. You were at a firefighter show. God, it's a dead end, huh? Not at the firefighter show. Your end's always open. So it was a benefit show at the improv. And it was, so it was me, Griffin, right? Amir K and Fitz Simmons. I love Amir. I love Fitz. Fitz, right? And Griff. I love Griff. Right. But the first part of the show was firefighters doing standup.

Oh, like local LA department? Yes. Wow. Yeah. And they had about eight of them. It was to raise money for these guys? It was like some sort of benefit for fire people. What is going on with this? They're always handing out buckets. They need money, these guys? What's going on with these guys? Dude, fighting fire is expensive. They're never doing it. Water you need? What else do you need?

They're never fighting fire. Just water. Oh, you got to have a dog. You need the Dalmatian? You do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For optics. Right. Or maybe the shiny red, you know, the fire, you got to shine that up. The what? The fire truck? Yeah. It's already pre-shined. Yeah, but those are extra shiny.

See, that's why it starts to get real gay. They're in the firehouse. They're shining it up all day with their shirts off. They're just lifting weights. They have their hoses out. There's a pole. There's a pole. There's a pole. They're raising money. In a floor glory hole. A gigantic glory hole. A flory hole. A milking table with earth. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. No. No.

You can do that like on a beach. You can lay. I have no idea what you're saying. Continue the story. Okay. Anyway. Don't give him too much air time. So, you know, I went early. We all went early. And number one, they killed. No way. Yeah. One after another. I'm not kidding you. Who was in the crowd? People whose houses were on fire? No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Other fire people. Oh, it was all fire people. Yeah, it's all firemen. Well, that's why they... No, but they were actually okay. Like, who wrote the jokes for them? I don't know. And they all had different point of views. They all went... It got to the point, though, dude, where me, Griffin, and Amir were standing there and we all were holding each other going, what if we bomb? It would be... Because we're supposed to be the pros. Yeah. Right? So then Eric goes up there. He does good. I'm next, right? Mm-hmm.

And I don't know why I brought this up because you brought up the two black guys watching, right? And this dude, this black dude had shades on. You know how sometimes they get Martin Lawrence-y? Yeah. 100%. You know what I mean? Like, they get like, like Biden-y. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? They just get all, hold on. Just get all like, where am I? You know what I mean? What are you talking about, dude? They get all...

I was with you with Martin Lawrence. You lost me. No. He was an older black guy, right? He's wearing like a brown tracksuit. He was wearing shades and he was just kind of going, where am I? You know what I mean? Was he on stage? No, he was off to the side. You know how you go down the stairs? He was sitting there with shades with a beautiful, his wife. Yeah. You know what I mean? But they're older. Yeah.

And also they like to, I don't say they. That's insane. That's insane what I'm doing. I know what you were saying. No, no, no, no. Yeah. But he had like one leg on something like this, like this, like this, as if he was- In a park. On a bench. Drinking lemonade. In a nice summer day. And you know what color it is? It's pink. It's purple. It's pink. It's grape. Black people love pink lemonade. They do. The way that we love Arnold Palmer's. So this guy, right? I was observing him. Yeah. Yeah.

He was dying laughing at every fireman. Okay. Okay. He was a fireman himself. I don't know. I didn't ask him. He must have. You know what? And he was laughing. But then when I went up. Ice cold. Ice cold like a river. Nothing. Nothing. Not a smile, not a smirk, not a wince. He almost looked mad.

When I get nervous and I have to do well, I start getting real weird fast. Yeah, I know. You know what I mean? I make my hair weird. But I like it. I stumble on stage like a character, you know what I mean? And I just start going, beep, beep, beep, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Poking my pee-pee, you know what I mean? Like I'll literally go, beep, beep, beep, like that, right? And our media's like...

- Nah, he didn't like that. - I crushed. - Still. - But still, I couldn't break him. - Yeah, you never will. - I will. - No, you will not. - One day I will. - Sir, wherever you are, come back to a show, sir. Let's see if we can really crack you. - Yeah, anyway. - Do you know how much money they raised for firefighters? - I didn't ask. - My grandfather was a firefighter. You know that? And I've talked to him over the years and I said,

You know, cops get a lot of like flack. You know, cops are always, they're always like, cops are racist. You know, this is a lot of flack people say. I don't know about that. You never heard this? Never heard that. Good. But I think it's interesting that people always say like, oh, cops are racist. All the cops are bad. All cops are racist. Firefighters never, no one ever says that about them. I don't think they are. Oh. They are? Yes, they are. I'll tell you what. Can I give you a theory maybe? Yeah, dude. They're just stronger cops. Yeah. Imagine-

It's a job that you have when only one specific event happens. Yeah. Right? So there could be a month that goes by, no? Like you're a robbery. Is there a fire every day? No. Right. So what I'm saying is that I assume months go by. Sure. Rescue cats.

from trees. They do, but fuck you. All right? 176 fire stations exist. No, how many fires are there in the United States? In LA. I will say this. They're out every day. Look at this. Approximately 17,000 fires in the city. That also includes like small shop front fire. Yeah. That's not a big, that's not, you know. Exactly. It's not real. It's not real. Arson. That includes arson. Arson. So 46 a day. Oh, so then they're always working. Yeah.

They're probably pretty busy, yeah. Okay, well then my theory's wrong. I always assume like, you know, they're just playing like Jenga up there in the firehouse. You know what I mean? And then, oh man, you know what I mean? I don't know why I said it like that, but like, oh man, fire, let's go. And they go down the pool. They have way more medical emergencies in the West Hollywood Fire Department. That's all medical emergencies. Oh, that's what they, because I used to...

You know, we used to... Because when you get something stuck up your ass, they got to be there for all that. No, Kalado used to get heart murmurs. No, I get them all the time. And then we call the ambulance. No, I don't do that. And a fire truck would come sometimes. They have to. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they come. Why though? Why what? Why the fire truck? With the ambulance? They want to show off their big ladder. No, I think it's part of the... It's a part of...

It's required that they have to show up with paramedics. Because in case someone's stuck in something or who knows, well, here, let's get the fucking answer from this woman. The goal is to get help who needs it as fast as possible. Ambulances can be delayed or unavailable at the time because paramedics also are EMTs. EMTs also can be firefighters or they have to be...

Oh, I think you're right because I think a couple of times an ambulance didn't come. It was only a firefighter. But he had- But he had all the equipment. Yeah, he had the experience. And they had that, wow, they do so many things. Would she get her heart shocked back into rhythm? She had an ablation, so we got a couple of operations on her heart. Yeah. I get murmurs all the time. Do you ever- Get worried about it? Yeah. Yeah. A lot. Have you considered an ablation? You know what it is?

A black Asian? Yes. I should have said, have you considered getting a Tiger Woods? That's what they call the surgery? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought about doing something to it, but my doctors have always said it's okay. Yeah, I guess they go, it's like a little, they go through all the like veins and stuff on one side of the body with a,

I don't know. You know they go through your belly button a lot. That freaks me out. They open up your belly button. My wife had surgery. They go through your belly button. Yeah. Yuck. You know how they say that one day we're going to have chips on our arms? Will you do that? With all our information, our credit cards, everything? You know what I mean? You'll do it. For sure. Yeah. How convenient. I would do it. You won't do that? Why'd you shake your head no? That shit scares me. I don't know. Why?

It's just like when that starts conflicting with like mechanical, with human stuff, like with the brain and neural. How? Mechanical. I'm not saying I'm going to get my arm replaced.

It's like a little chip, dude. You think it's going to lead to Neuralink shit? I don't even like driving cars that they can turn off with a computer. That's why I drive an old Accord. Oh my God. That's why you drive an old Accord? That and you being broke. Let us be mean. Let us be mean. Bridges of Madison County or something. That's because you are broke. What I'm saying is you have your credit card, your ID, and also maybe a way to open up your front door with your arm.

Oh, I like that too. You know what I mean? Click, click, click, click. Yeah, but think about it. If somebody follows you home, they grab you. They just put your arm up to the door. Oh, that's true. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Can't have that. Yeah. Okay. There was a bump in the night the other night by the house, by the way. I got nervous. I grabbed my gun. In your mansion? In my home. You're jagging a mansion. Okay, so- My home is not- Your house is the same size as my house. Oh, my God. I love when you try to start fights with me. You just started- No, no, no. Who started this? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who fucking started it? Dude, I-

I don't want to go there. You just started it. I don't want to go there with you, dude, but stop doing this. Stop lying. Stop, you know what I mean? About what? Gaslighting.

The irony of this is staggering. You're literally gaslighting me. You're literally doing it. And let me say what you're doing. You're gaslighting me. Gaslighting. No more gaslighting. Now you're doing Asian accent. That's when you're scared. That's how I get out of it. When you get scared, you do Asian accent. When you're in front of your mom, you got scared, and you did my mom. Asian accent. And a crush. That's your fucking defense mechanism.

And it made the show. It went viral. But my point being is that you're scared right now and calm. I'm not scared. Calm down. Calm your shit. You started it. That's an insane thing to say. Did you guys go to the house? Yes. They've all been in my home. Whose house is bigger?

They're honestly the same if you add up the driveway and everything. Oh, you're going to put my driveway in it? I have a long driveway. How is that an equation? That's included. That's not a living space. Thank you. It could be. No, it's not. So my point is this. Okay, let me reiterate and let me re-say it. Because the first time I went to his house was during his birthday party. My old house? The new one. Yeah. I don't want to start a fight with you. You're doing it. I know, but I walked in and I remember going, oh, I might have to move. Yeah.

That's the first thought. What do you mean? Because you- I want to be honest with you, dude. Sure. All right? I went to your front lawn. Pretty good, nice lawn. Thanks. You have a gate and the whole thing. Yeah. Electrical, you know, gate system, right? Mm-hmm. You walked out of these gigantic doors. Not that your house is big, but you have gigantic doors. It's a big door. I'm 6'1". Right, right. I mean, all doors are big to you. Right.

Okay, you can make fun of me all you want, but I'm trying to be honest with you. Well, I'm also trying to put comedy in the show. Yeah, yeah, okay. And so then, you go, come on in, Langmong, or whatever you fucking always say, you know what I mean? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Make something up funny, if you're gonna say that. What, what? Pick it up and be funny. Ling Ling or whatever you do. There, yeah, I say, come on in, Ling Ling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, Ling Ling's here. Ling Ling's here, right? I walk in, and I remember my first thing is I looked around high ceilings. Do you not have high ceilings? Yeah, they're tall. Well, they're tall. Right, and then I also like, I'm like, what?

The living room is so far away from where I am. It's in the back of the house. I don't even know where it is. It's in the back of the house. Yeah, so it's like, you know, my sight isn't that bad, right? Your house, you have to go up to the living room. You can also not see it. Thank you. You have to walk upstairs to your living room and your house is a hill. Mine's two studio apartments on top of each other. Yeah, you went up there. They have bedrooms.

Thank you, McCone. There's bedrooms down there. Now, I will admit that my house is, I prefer the design of my house better than yours. Sure. That's why you live there. Yeah. With cat shit all over the fucking place. It's great. Okay. You can make jokes.

That's the show that we're on. I know. You can do what you're doing right now, dude, and I'm fine with it because I'm just being honest with you. So am I. I walk in, high ceilings. I go, I don't know where the living room is, but it's pretty far away, probably half a mile away. And I walked in there and then I went, my thought was, I might have to at least get a house comparable to this because I want to feel like we're on the same level.

But I remember having these thoughts and why would I have these thoughts, Carlos, do you think? You're breaking the 10th commandment. It's jealousy. Exactly, dude. What is that? It's jealousy. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor, dude. Yeah, yeah. Don't covet me, dude. So I was coveting you, dude. Stop coveting me. I'm going to covet before the last of my life. I don't want you to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I'm covet king. You're already breaking so many of the commandments. So here's what it is.

You live in a house bigger than 99.9% of the houses in the world. Can we say that? The world? Yeah. Yeah, most people live in fucking huts. Exactly. I'm not being lying. Not bigger than 99% of the United States? Yeah. No, it's not. Let's move on. So what were you going to say? It's not even... Let's move on. What were you going to say? Well, if you let me tell the story, that's not it at all. Well, let me finish my little pointer here. Because there was a gunshot outside.

Okay. It could have been in the house. And then there was rustling next door. Okay. Continue. And then I got worried. All right. So start from the beginning. Go ahead. You're in your mansion. Go ahead. Yeah. So you're laying down. Well, I'm in one of my hyperbaric chambers that I sleep in.

Yeah. No, so I was in my money room and I was sleeping. I have a money room that I sleep in. Yeah. And I was swimming. Actually, I was taking a late night Scrooge McDuck swim. I have gold coins. Yeah. You have a moat. It's a 30 foot pool of money. Yeah. No, I'm sleeping. I hear a gunshot.

I panic. Ooh. Then there's a text stream between our neighbors. Did anybody hear that? Who heard the blah, blah, blah? You know, like there's a, so then I'm really like on edge. So then I grab my gun and I go downstairs. You have a gun? In my underwear. You have a gun? Mm-hmm. Be real. Yeah. What kind? I have a Glock. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you bring your Glock. I bring my gun downstairs. Yeah. And I walk outside. That's me. That's what I look like from American History X. Yes.

And I was outside scanning around for the noises that I was hearing because I was hearing noises then after the shot. So I thought- Can you- Someone's on the run from the cops in my mind and they're jumping into yards. That's my biggest fear is someone tries to like break into your house. This happened last night? No, no, no. This is like four nights ago. Okay. So I was with somebody in my house. What? Same thing. Yeah. Okay. And this person that was in my house, a young lady. You know what I mean? Obviously. Yeah. She goes, is there-

always a helicopter above your house. This is four nights ago. And you're saying I'm rich. You used to have a helicopter waiting for you at all hours of the night? Yeah.

I don't own it. I don't own it. It just takes me to the comms store. Ready to go! It takes me to the comms store. No, there was literally a helicopter doing a circle in my neighborhood with the spotlight. Oh, that dude. Panic. So what I'm saying is it could have been the same night that you... Heard the gunshot. Because we live five minutes away from each other. Yes, that's true. So this could be connected. Okay, so fucking... I didn't hear a helicopter. I'm scared. It's quiet outside. There's rustling and banging. Uh-oh. And I'm nervous, right? And I'm very scared because I think...

This is how I die. She's fine. I'll get killed. Is your wife sleeping? She's wide awake. She's scared because we both heard it. And then, of course, I'm out there and rustling, rustling. I go peek around the corner. It's just a raccoon on a garbage can. That's it. How did he shot you? He had a gun. A little raccoon with a gun. I see.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And he was just trying to get food. - I think you're lying. - Yeah, I am. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - I feel like you're lying. - No, no, but there was a loud rustle. It did scare the shit out of me. - But what time was it? I'm being real, 'cause I remember going, "What is going on in our neighborhood?" - Had to been not super late, but like, I mean, not early in the morning, maybe like 1:00 a.m. It wasn't that, it was like, I just had started to fall asleep just after midnight. - I'm so glad you brought that up because it just brought up another thing that I have a problem with you about.

Okay. Today. All day today. All day today. It kind of made me mad. Can somebody draw a raccoon with a gun for the show? Yeah, please. On a trash can. Morgan and Morgan. Woo!

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- I feel like you and I are best friends, right? - You're my best friend. - One of my best friends. - You're my best friend. - I have a couple. - You're the only one for me. - No, I know you have a couple. - Name one. - Charlie Day. - That's not my best friend. He's a buddy. You're my best friend. - Anyway, and we share things. - Yes. - Fluids. - Yeah. - Right? Ideas. Also our loves and dislikes. - That's true.

And I don't like it when you hoard things, though. What did I keep from you? I'm going to tell you in a second. Okay. Okay? I don't like it when you hoard things. And I draw the line here. Okay. Okay? Don't do that. Well, what is it? Don't do that with your fucking nose. Well, that's why I get nervous. Okay. So I was at the comedy store the other night, maybe a week ago. Yeah. And Brent Morin goes, there's a great restaurant. Okay? Yeah. And I go, really? And he goes-

I think it's, you know, arrivals, like the best, why are you smiling? I know what it is. I know exactly what it is. I know you know. All right. I know you know, okay? Okay. So he said it's BLVD on Ventura. Yeah. I had no idea about it. Right. Right? So in my mind, I'm on a date. We go make reservations. I sit down and the waiter comes up to me and the manager and they go, finally. And I go, finally what? They go, well, Andrew comes here twice a week. That's... That's...

Stop. This is the fucking truth. And I'm telling you the truth. And I don't like it when people laugh at truism. It's insane. It's not insane. Twice a week? That's what he said. Twice a week. And we were wondering when you were going to come in here. Right? And I went, yeah. Like how many? They go, a lot. He comes in a lot. No, he doesn't. I'm going to tell you why this is true. Okay? In a second. Okay? Okay. Wow. You never really ever mentioned it. Right?

And then the food's great. It's phenomenal. It's excellent. Delicious. It's excellent, right? Delicious. And then I text you

The menu. A picture of the menu. A picture of the menu, right? And I said... And you go, oh yeah, that place is great. And I said, I'm close. Yeah, I'm close and I go there all the time. And I said, can I come over after? No. Yes, I did. Oh, maybe. And you didn't respond. What I'm saying is that you hoarded that restaurant. I did not. Yeah, you did. And you know what, dude? This is... I'll start hoarding. Pissing me off, dude. I'll start hoarding restaurants and yogurt shops and coffee shops and everything, right? And keep secrets to myself. That's fucked up, dude. No, dude. That's a great restaurant. Okay.

Okay? You do it all the time. You do it all the time! It's such an exaggeration. He does it all the time. I've shared more than I've taken away. Another one, a Mexican restaurant he's done at. Which one? I forgot what it was called, but you're like, and I go to the spot, or no, what it was is an Italian restaurant. Remember that Italian restaurant near our house? Yes. Yeah. And you go, and we're sitting there and you go, yeah, I've been coming here for years. Ha ha.

Right. And it's like two minutes from my house. I go, hmm, never heard of it. Yeah. But first of all. Yeah. So it's hoarding thing. I share more than I want. I share more than I hoard. Hey. Hey. Bobby is here saying the manager at Boulevard BLVD says that I go there twice a week or I go there all the time. How many times have we gone there? Thank you. We've only been. Was it in the same week? Same week.

No. Months apart. Twice that you're aware of. Bobby. Why? Why? Is that not the truth? I've only been twice. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you. That's bullshit. In your fucking face. She's always been on your side. No shit. In a war, she's on your side. But first of all, twice a week is chaos. What I want to say is- I don't hoard from you and it's not deliberate, but I've introduced you to a lot of spots. Let's be honest. I've taken you to spots and I've gone, I think you'd like this. And he knows that's true. And you go, this is really good. Thank you for telling me. Yeah, but when you say I've been cutting it for years, then it kind of hurts me. That's fine.

That place is brand new, but the Italian place was my little spot. Yes, that was- Are you bored of that? I should- You admit that? Fine, that's fine. Okay, okay. So he does board. You know why? All right. Can I tell you why?

Because I like to go alone. I used to like to go to that place alone. Okay. So sometimes when I was... Your quiet time at a fancy Italian restaurant. Yeah. I've seen you eat alone. Thank you. Yeah, I have no friends. Me fucking either! What? You're the only guy I know. Do you... Hello? Hello. Oh my God, you are doctor friend. You're professor friend, dude.

Dude, you have so many friends. You're the fucking guy of friends, dude. Did I go to the med school for friends? Yeah, let me say this. You're always, I'm on a golfing trip with all your friends. Let me tell you something. I'm alone. When I walk in a room. Oh my God. I can't even believe what I'm hearing right now. When I walk in a room. Well, you guys don't back me up either. You know he has more friends. When I walk in a room, the theme song of friends comes on. I know. That's how many friends I have. Yeah.

Everywhere I go, I'll be there for you. Or cheer. Yeah. Where everybody knows your name. That's you. Your cheers. It is Bobby's bum bum. Yeah, yeah. You have friends. That was really good. That was really good. Thank you. But also, Carlos, all right, let's be honest. Yeah, you don't hang out with a lot of people. Exactly. You're just like on date. Thank you. So professor friend. Okay. It sounds like a you thing. Then a me thing.

And I'm your best friend or one of them. Apparently you don't have any fucking friends. So I'm not even your best friend. You don't even have any friends. That's more. You're almost there.

I should be there. You're almost there, dude. Who else? If you change some of your behaviors. What the fuck? A hoarding. No. Yeah, yeah. Open your heart completely. Name one person on earth that's not blood to you, that cares about you the way I care about you. Gene Hong. Gene Hong? Does he check in? Yeah. I could text you right now. He texted me today. What did he say today? I'll show you.

I'm glad you said that. Bring it up. Let me see. He's your best friend? Yeah, he goes, when can we do dinner and catch up? Yeah, what'd you say? And I said, this weekend. What'd he say? What's the previous text? He goes, uh,

He goes, did you eat yet? I'm hungry and dumb already ate. I go, I am on Ozempic. And I go, I knew it. He goes, I knew it. Fuck, I'm going to be the fat one in the group now. Then Saturday goes dinner. Didn't respond to that. Fat one. Wait, wait, wait. The group. Oh, this is interesting. Like the group of the friends. That's interesting. That's an interesting thing to bring up, Your Honor. Did you just be interesting? Interesting. Interesting. The group, which means dumbfounded.

Okay, okay. Who else is in your little group? Ali Wong. Who else is in your little group? We went bowling. Jimmy O. Yang. We went bowling. Who else is in your group? Ronnie Chang. But Asians are considered a complete- Yeah, wait, wait. Asians are considered a full, complete person. We're like clowns. Well, five to one. We're like clowns, right? If like 80 of us come out of a car, it's like one person. Well, five to one, right? Five to one. Five Asians is one regular person. So my point is that you can't count that. I think I do. And it's also when I do Asian Korean gatherings, right? They just happen to be there.

That's what friends do. Yeah. You just happen to show up. Yeah. And it's like a ching chong fest. I don't know what else to call it. It's an Asian fest. Yeah. I should have read the text. Yeah. It gave it away. Yeah. You buried yourself. Yeah. I buried myself in that. You buried yourself. That's why I'd be a bad lawyer. I would forget things. Yeah. Oh, no. You would just give them information they shouldn't fucking have. Yeah. By the way, speaking of lawyers. Let's not go to this yet. Oh, no. Oh, no. I know.

- No, let's do it. - Let's get it over with. - No, okay, you asked me why I was bummed out lately. - Yeah. - I think that was the foundation of it. - So I did see that, I sent this to Carlos. - You rubbed it in my face last week. - No, I didn't. No, I didn't. What I said was- - You rubbed it in my- - I said, "It's blasphemy." And I said to Carlos- - With a smirk. - I said, "He's gonna be pissed off."

Tom DeLonge is being inducted into the Poway High School Hall of Fame. Tom DeLonge of Blink-182. By the way, the thing that I was upset about was there was another woman that was inducted who I don't think is famous. None of them are. Well, Tom DeLonge. He's the first guy that's famous that is actually in the Hall of Fame. Before it's like scientists. There was one guy, an actor, who was like, he started a community theater in North Park.

I mean, for gay men, it's like, okay. He's in? Well, maybe you need to do something like that. Important work. Something for the community. Oh, you think I'm not doing an important work? For them. Yeah, but I don't know what they want. And when I went to school there, I didn't know what they wanted. I didn't feel a part of. I felt ostracized.

Not by the school itself, by the people that inhabited it. Well, just the whole, I mean, you have to understand Poway High School was that controversy where that kid wore that anti-gay t-shirt and he went to court for it. I don't remember this. Yeah, look it up. So Poway High, some kid wore I hate gays or something like that? No, it was like a derogatory t-shirt with, you know what I mean, that expressed his point of view about

- Gay is not okay, is that what he wore? - I don't know, but what I wanna say is what I've done for the school, okay? I was on two sporting teams. - Yeah, wrestling and-- - Tennis. - Oh, right. - What? - I forgot. - Yeah, yeah. I was a peer counselor. - You were? - Yeah. - Wow. - I don't know why you're smirking, guy. - I thought you said it was a pair counselor at first, and I thought, yeah. - Like the fruit? - Mm-hmm. I didn't know they did counselors by shape.

The good one. All right, come on. That was a good one. You were a peer counselor. You were on two sports. Two sports. Everybody liked you. You were a musician. Did you play at the school? No, I wasn't a musician then, but I was also in a play. And also, fourthly, though, I also was... I got sober my junior year. Right. So my senior year, I was like, you know, I participated in, you know what I mean, 12-step kind of things and spread a positive message, you know what I mean, at school. You know, I think what they're...

They're basing it on is my nudity and my- What does that have to do with anything? That's what I'm saying. I mean, that's my point of view. No, I think they're basing it on the fact that you are free, creative, wild, unhinged. And these people on that list are probably bridled, protected, safe. You're free. You're an artist. Yeah. They don't have any wild artists on there. Like, did you remember like-

they had a counselor for, what was it called? It was like an occupational counselor or something where you would see somebody, a staff member of the school and they would direct your life. - Yeah, occupational therapist or whatever. - But we had that where it was like, and I remember going in, they're like, "All right, well," they looked at my grades and they go, "Woodshop?

And I go, I was a junior. I was like, woodshop? I mean, that's because you're failing in all these things and you have no asset or ability, right? And I'm like-

If I could go back now, I would go, yeah, but I'm funny. Is there a path for that? Right. But to that school, that kind of is not even a... They wouldn't never promote that or give you an option. It wasn't an artistic school. It didn't have like artistic... Yeah, it's like it's either you become an engineer or lawyer, doctor, whatever, whatever, right? Or businessman. Or you're...

working with wood right you know what i mean you're a welder or whatever you know also never never in my life seen an asian carpenter yeah you wouldn't last a day i've never seen an asian look google are there asian carpenters i cannot was jesus asian i don't think there's ever been an asian carpenter yes there are asian car there are buildings who built the buildings in asia

The buildings in Asia? We send white people over there. No, no, no, no, no. Not Africans. There's a guy's Instagram called the Asian Carpenter. Exactly. Well, let me see some of his work. Let's see some of his work, dude. Look at that table. Dude, that's a standard, very good table. He built just the legs, it says. He didn't even build the top. All right. Fuck this guy. Anyway, that's nice. Doesn't look any carpentry to me. Oh, staircasing. That's the ceiling. Oh. Uh-oh.

Anyway. Anyway. But what I mean, it's just so I remember at school when I was in high school, I was like, I remember going, oh, I'm fucked. Yeah. I felt the exact same. Because they're like, you have, they told you to your face, there is no future for you.

And this is where we suggest you go. And I'm like, I can't believe it. There's no way. So I had to go out in the world and feel some pain. And then it drove me into whatever I'm doing now. Look at you now. I think that in many ways, Poway High School drove me into this because it's like they didn't support me. Right. That made you stronger. So now, you know what? With that point of view, I don't want to be in the Hall of Fame.

Good. But you do. I don't. You do a little bit. I do. Yeah. I sure do. But you know what? But if it doesn't happen, I understand. It should happen and I don't understand. And I will say this. I'm going down to San Diego to do shows down there. I'm thinking about stopping by. No, when are you going? Paying a little- When are you going? Visit. When are you going? I think it's in February. I don't know. I have to go with you. Yeah, you do.

I think I'm going to pay a little fucking visit to Poway. To Poway High School? I think it's the move. In fact, you know what I would love to do? Yeah. Doug Stanhope used to do shows at Montreal.

across the street from like the corporate venues or whatever? I think it was Montreal. Yeah. Have you heard about that? I remember that, yeah. We should do a show across the street, a pop-up show across the street from Poway High. Where is Poway High? Look up Poway and what's across the street. Is it like a field or something? I think there's a theater attached to Poway High School. I don't know if you can rent that out. It's got to be theirs though. Well, that's right. That's on them. Yeah. Listen up. If there's anybody, yeah, the Performing Arts Center. That has nothing to do with the high school, I think.

- Yeah, that Poway Center for the, I think it's attached to the school, but I think that it's private. Like we can rent it. - Maybe we should do our 250 episode from there. - Just getting sick of his shit. - I know. - Just getting real sick of his shit. - I understand. Let's let go of this. I mean, are you in yours?

Hall of Fame at your school. There is no Hall of Fame. We don't have a Hall of Fame, but I'm in like the Wikipedia page. Yeah, me too. I'm in the Wikipedia. Yeah, no, we don't have a Hall of Fame. Yeah, yeah. You don't have one? No, it's actually very weird. Why don't you start one up? Well, I've never heard of this until your school. Do you guys know about your Hall of Fame having... Andres, I'm clearly not asking you. You didn't go to high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean... Carlos, your school doesn't have a Hall of Fame. No, my dad's in the Hall of Fame at the military school I went to. That's not what we asked. That's not what we asked, bud. Interesting. I was just proud. Yeah, it has nothing to do with you. Anyway, how about you, McCone? I don't know.

Can I tell you what I think it is? What? And you're going to be so mad. Yeah. It's just too far away from fame. What do you mean? I'm too far away from fame? No, what I'm saying is that like, you know, obviously when you go out into the, you know, it's just less famous people come from smaller towns.

Like for instance, if you go to like Beverly Hills High, right? Oh, right. How many famous people came from there? A lot. A lot. Because the businesses just are enveloped around them. Right. There's access and, you know, through nepotism and whatnot. Yes, yes, yes. And it's in the city where the thing is. It's in the city, right? So I'm sure if you saw the Beverly Hills High School Hall of Fame, it's stacked. Right.

But then if you go to like, you know, Peoria, Illinois, some school there is Hall of Fame. There's probably nobody famous that came from there. So why would they have a Hall of Fame? Well, we have a not so... I know what you're saying. Although yours isn't impressive either, let's be honest. It's not like you're saying a million very cool famous people can went to... Tony Gwynn went to my school, baseball player. Stephanie Seymour, supermodel, who had a baby with Axl Rose. Not a real thing, nobody cares. Okay.

Nobody cares. Not a real thing. Nobody cares. I care. Yeah, but that's a bullshit. Don't even make a real thing. Calm down. One guy. Yeah, that's the guy. No, you're not there. You're not even on it. So no, that's wrong. It's not you. All these other people are nobodies. You're wrong. Okay. Tony Gwynn. That was the only one. And by the way, these guys don't even know who Tony Gwynn is. Only I do because I like baseball. Well, they may be one from your school.

Andrew Santino. I know, that's it. No, there is actually a lot. A lot of pro athletes. Oh, that's good. A lot of athletes. Okay, good. Oh, Bob, did you see you're at a sperm bank as an option for people to want their babies to look like you? What, seriously? Yeah, you're under Bill Paxton, Young. Wow, Benedict Wong, Bill Paxton, and Bobby Lee. Who did the check mark? You did? Carlos. Yeah, yeah. Mark.

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Okay, so how about this from now on? Let's not talk about Poway High School Hall of Fame ever again. I don't need to. Because last week, you kind of bummed me out, but now I'm kind of going through the process of letting it go, and I'm going to let it go. It's an injustice is all I'm going to say. I mean, I truly believe it is, though. I really do. I'm not being facetious. I mean, can I just try to just verbally say why I think it is? Your case. State your case. You think I should state my case? Without bragging. Yeah. I mean, that'll be hard to do, but go ahead. Okay, so...

I have two, I have one very popular podcast. Yeah. With you. Yeah. I have one that's,

Fairly popular, Tiger Belly. Okay, so then I also was on a sketch show. A cultural iconic sketch show. On television for eight years. Say a culturally iconic. A culturally iconic sketch show for eight years. Correct. I've done numerous bit parts in comedy movies. And television shows. I've been a series regular on a couple of TV shows. One of the most famous of a remake of a TV show as well.

Which one's that? Oh, yeah. Sex and the City. That's a recurring, yeah. Reservation. I mean, I've just done a lot of- Hawaii Five-0. Yeah, Magnum P.I. Same thing. I know it is. I've done a lot. You got yelled at by Adam Sandler? Yeah, I got yelled at by Adam Sandler. How many people have been yelled at by Adam Sandler on that list? Also, I've done The Tonight Show as a stand-up, and now I'm coming out with a special on a major streaming service. I mean, I've done a lot. A lot. You know what I mean? A lot.

And if that doesn't do it, I don't know what else does. Yeah, I don't know. So then it's personal. They just don't like me and what I stand for. And that's okay. That is okay. That's okay. Who's on the board? Can we find out who's on the board? I don't want to know. They don't like me. I'm going to call them. And it's because I go, and all that stuff. You know what I mean? And that's just who I am.

Don't show us any more sperm banks. Is that where you're going to pop up? Yeah, no more sperm banks. No more sperm banks. You can bring up some other bullshit if you had it. I saw you digging. Because it's embarrassing to fight for that. What I just did there was embarrassing. No, it's not embarrassing. You deserve to be recognized. What do you got? What is that? What is this? Yeah, I just found this gay Chinese guy. I thought you'd like him. Oh, okay. He used to say gay in Chinese.

- What's his name? - Luke. - If that was my brother, my dad, oh my God. - How awesome, his name is Luke. - Luke. - Luke Chinese. - Luke come here. - And you would never see Luke again. - Luke Chinese. - Yeah. - His name's just Luke Chinese. - He's the best. - There's a three ways to say gay in Chinese. - Yeah. Now can I, I don't wanna be racist against my own ethnicity. - It's not really. - Why? - It's near you.

- Okay. - He's Chinese. - No, I didn't say nationality, I said ethnicity. - Yeah, but he-- - He's Asian, isn't the ethnicity. - Kind of. He's Chinese. - Oh, so they're Uber Asians? - They're the most Asian. - Oh, they are, okay. - They're the most Asian of the Asians. - My bad, my bad, my bad. Okay, so he's full-blown Asian. - He's 100% Asian, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, and I'm just mid-drip. - Yeah, you're-- - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, you're the left-- - I'm adjacent? - Yeah, you're right next to him. - Yeah, and without being controversial, right, does he have a big head?

I'm a cop. That guy robbed you. So what did the guy look like when the person that robbed you? Did you get a good look at him? Yeah, he was a Chinese guy. He had a shaved head. Or not a shaved head, but a buzz haircut. I'm going to get my illustrator. Come here, Frank. Frank comes. Okay. So I haven't really... Buzz head, but shape of the face? Shape of the face? Yeah, just the overall shape of it.

It was overall. Yeah. What do you mean? Well, the overall shape. It was an overall shape. Oh, so that's... Sorry, oval all shape. Oh, oval. Oh, an oval. Oval all shape. Yeah, it was all... Oh, it's oval. So is it more wider or is it top to bottom? I mean, can you... It's kind of both. Oh, so just a gigantic, like a moon. Kind of like a moon. All right. Let's just do a moon. I like a moon. Okay. So, and his body. His body. His body.

Yeah, yeah. His body, his body. I remember it. Yeah, yeah. What's his body like? Thick. Oh, so... Well-fed. Right. Well-fed. Not hungry. So, Mars.

Yes. Yeah. It was kind of the moon and Mars. Mars. Yes. And then moon. Correct. All right. Put that out. I think they got him. They got him right away. That's interesting. Chinese Luke, we love you. We love you. I just want to let you know we love you. A lot of followers? Yeah. Luke Chinese. He's killing it. 141. He educates people on how to say things in Chinese. Carlos just goes for how to say gay in Chinese. In case you go to China, is that what that's for? Yeah. We run into some Chinese people in Singapore.

Interesting. And we just might. And you got to be, you know, when we go to Singapore, you better be on your best behavior. They will lock you up for fucking around over there. You know this, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not a joke. Don't fuck around. I'm not making a joke. Well, what fuck around would get me in trouble? I don't know. You know. Even asking, hey, you guys have any holes against walls? Yeah, where are the holes at? Yeah, yeah. That can't be illegal. Asking for holes? 100%. Yeah, yeah. If you spit gum on the ground, they beat the shit out of you.

Well, I already looked up the... Look up crazy laws in Singapore. It's nuts. They're going to get you, bud. Chewing gum is not illegal, but selling it is. The penalty for selling gum is up to $100,000. So we can't... Can we try to... Can we try to smuggle some gum across the...

Yeah, that's why we're bringing McCone. All right. Second one is bad for you. Here's the thing. Smoking is illegal everywhere and e-cigarettes are banned. You got to bring up, you got to bring a 12 pack of bubble yum. Yeah. Bubblicious. Bubblicious. If I don't see that in Singapore, dude, we're going to have a problem. Also. Write that down to Carlos. Yeah, write it down. So public smoking, I smoke. So smoking is illegal. Smoking is illegal in most places. E-cigarettes are banned. If caught smoking in public, you can face up to $800 fine. Oh, fuck it. I have $800. Connecting to someone else's Wi-Fi.

Oh my God, I do that all the time. All the time. Whoa. Wait, that's punishable three years ago? My debt? Oh no. $10,000 fine. Oh my God. All right, so what? Jaywalking, $1,000. Dude, I'm a jaywalker. I be jaywalking. I'm jayjaywalking. Yeah, dude, I jaywalk all the time. Not flushing a public toilet, leaving poop or piss in a urinal can result in $150. That's it, I'm not going. I can't go. This one's going to hurt you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walking naked at home. There's a penalty for walking around naked at your own home. Insane.

Feeding pigeons. This one's for McCone. That's a criminal offense, buddy. Yeah, I had to. $500 fine. That's on you, dude. Don't get any ideas. So what's it? Singing in public. Oh, shit. Singing or reciting. So Jet Ski is going to be in deep shit. Yeah. Illegal commercial. This is what we want to test some of these rules. Yeah, I do. So here's what I'm going to do, okay?

I want to get a whole pack of bubble yum sticking in my mouth. And naked chew on it. Two cigarettes dangling out of my mouth, right? And I'm going to be half naked in the streets and I'm going to go, it's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life for... And I'm going to just see how long it's going to take. Oh my God. You think quick? Yeah, so fast. Wait a minute.

Being homosexual punishment is up to two years in jail. Oh Carlos you can't go no. We'll just go for one each all right. We have seen saying drinking alcohol between 10:00 p.m.. 10:30 p.m.. And 7:00 a.m.. Where does that say what doesn't say I don't see that oh yeah, there it is. Oh, holy shit Oh, no, oh, we can't fly a kite that interferes with public traffic. Oh no All that fucking kite

That sucks. We were going to bring all those. So what's busking? Is singing for money on the street. Busking, you know, when you're like singing with a hat. I was going to bring my acoustic guitar. How are we? Dude, we should be busking. We should busk over there. Can you imagine they fucking arrest you for busking? That's insane. Firecrackers, pirated content are banned, pornographic stuff. I mean, we're not going to bring any magazines, I guess. Okay, wait, wait. I bet you money they block porn sites there. Yeah. UVPN.

Got to get a VPN on your phone. I have a VPN. Yeah, then you can watch whatever you want. That's what I do. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, they block porn 100%. Because I've always wanted to like, because I've never really been to a strip club at an Asian country. Me neither. Oh, they have them there? Do they have strip clubs in Singapore? In Singapore? Yeah. What's it called? 10 Men's Club. That might be one you don't want to go to. Why? Well, because it's 10 men.

Yeah, but what if I know those men? Oh, shit, John. Club de Emperor. We're a bit run down. The women are beautiful, which makes for good eye candy. Well, they're honest. Okay. So they do have it out there. I guess, but it doesn't really look like... Is porno... Carlos, we gotta go. Hell yeah. Is porn illegal in Singapore? I feel like it. Yes. Do we want to go? I don't know. I mean, they... Google...

If they have any Michelin star restaurants. I mean, that's an incentive. Yeah. What's the best like top three restaurants? Because I love food. Oh, there you go. Michelin guide to Singapore. Yeah. So. All right. They've got a lot. Here's the deal, dude.

We will go to all these. No, no. I need someone from our team to make reservations before I go. I'm being real. Odette. I'm writing this down. Yeah. At least four of them. I also have a list of places that we can go because my friends that have gone have told us there's spots that are great. Yeah, yeah. Scary Times USA? Yeah, it could also work as a prom.

Yeah, we had a great I had a great time. It's I think it was better than the last one we did Yeah, it was great. I think that if all of them went like that I'd be encouraged to do more I had so much fun on it You know what it was is that we didn't rehearse that much. You know you guys kept it loose We had good bits lined up. Yeah, I mean we kind of knew the directions But it's like in terms of order and so I think they were mixed up a little bit, but I was fine with it I thought um

I just thought the guest was great. It was surprising to see the angry grandmother. Yeah, she was great. What a sweet lady. You know what? They drove here from Michigan. I just love her and her grandson so much. So funny. Yeah, and then- Dax Flame came by. Love Dax. The Goopadopolis came. The Goopadopolis came, and I thought- On top of that, we had a drag queen book reading. Yeah. Because I wanted to get educated. I thought Jules was fun. I thought the whole thing was-

Very positive and we should do it again. I would love to do it again. I had a great time. I like doing stuff like that. It's different than this because it's looser. It's wild. It's wild. And the interaction with the fans. I do love when we get to talk to the fans. Bringing them up on the screen, seeing them in their home. I mean, we could dedicate for a second to talk about our fans for a second because I don't think we do that enough. Give it to me. Yeah. It's the thing that keeps me going, I think.

- Well, that's beautiful and sad at the same time. - No, it is sad. It's more sad than beautiful. It's the thing that makes me kind of want to get up and put one foot in front of the other and move forward, that we have people, and we've met them in the streets. - Yeah. - And it just, it's a real surprise and a real blessing. And I've just been, what? Why'd you shake your head? - 'Cause I don't believe it.

I would like to address something in the room. No, no, no. I'd really like to address something in the room. Please. I know we've said it as a joke, you know what I mean, about firing and changing the team up. Yeah, we have. And, you know, we do it in jest, you know. I really mean this. I think we should change it up. Okay. Because right there, right there was fucking out of pocket. Out of pocket. It was unaligned with my morals and my system. Unaligned. Blatant disrespect. Blatant disrespect. Disrespect.

- Cringeworthy, if I'll be honest. - You know, I've noticed lately, you talk to me in a certain way as if we're bros. - That's so not true, Bob. - As if we're both captains of the same ship. - No. - And on this ship, dude? - You're scooping shit down below. - Yeah, I'm the captain. - No, that's projection. That's how you would act, you or me. - That respond right there is what I'm talking about.

Even just that response right there. I don't curse at you or anything. That response to everything you're saying right now, dude, is what I'm talking about. This is how I grew up. Okay. No, you never used to be like this. And so for me to get vulnerable to talk about the fans and for you to call me out on something that wasn't even a thing, right, is really hurtful. It is. Do I have time to apologize? No, there's no time. No, you did it. The damage is done. So I'm going to highly consider maybe coming up with other options. I'm okay with that. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's talk about all the group. Okay. Might as well. McCone. Yeah. You've been a lot better with me. Impressive. You're not needy. You know what I mean? And I think you've softened a little bit. I think you know how to read me in the situation. And I think that you're good for right now. You're okay. Yeah. Fancy. Yeah.

I will never do your zombie movie. I will never do it. In fact, I will do nothing outside of this with you. I think that you attack me way more than you attack Andrew. That's true. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's undeniable. About how fat I am and gay. What? What? Yeah, you agree. Yeah, but you know what? Yeah. You're honestly, though.

Oh yeah, you speak your mind. You are skating on thin ice. There's no ice. There's no ice left. All right, well, you're on a lake. Yeah, you have skates on and you're in the water. Why? What did I do that's so bad besides my- He's, the last couple of times he said to me that you're frustrating him for some reason. And I think it's because, look, you run the Instagram account for Bad Friends, right? Yeah. You do a great job. Thank you. I think a little bit of that follower number is going to your head a little bit.

- I mean, we've all done a milli. - See? - Yeah. - See? It's going to his head. Are you using it to DM people? - No, I do that on my own account. - But I mean, do you ever? - Like transfer the girl over to Herrera Carlos, obviously. - Okay. So he's got power now. A good amount of power. - Yeah, I also wanna say this, and this is from my heart, and managing the Australian tour.

And you're doing a great job. Great job. I didn't say you were doing a great job. I'm saying your relationship with me. Yeah, he's talking about our personal life. And how I feel in the workplace. Okay. Okay? And for many years, I thought that you work for us and we happen to be at Seven Ackeys. Right. But the truth is, you work for Seven Ackeys and you're a spy. Right.

That's insane. Yeah, you're a spy because I see you over there, right? And you know the woodwork, very comfortable there. Very comfortable. And that's, you know, I understand now that you're not really on our ship. You're a hired gun. But I should know that place because I go to work there. I should know my way around. This does sound like some spy shit though. It's spy shit, dude. No, I'm a double agent.

That's what we're saying. Yeah. That's not a good thing. What the fuck he's saying? No, that's bad. That's not a good thing. You're working both sides. Yeah. So what's the real end game? Yeah. Just hanging with my bros. No, no, no, no, no. That is it. That's not it. No, no, no, no. That's not it. No. Yeah. What's the real end game? What's the end game here, dude? Our demise? I have had this fantasy. Here we go. This is the truth. Let's hear it. Yeah, finally. I love it. No, it has nothing to do with Andrew. Oh, no.

What is it? That I come in with some really good news. Like, guys, I finally did it. I have another job. I thought you'd be so proud of me. I didn't need your help to get there. I'm going to go spread my wings and I'm going to say, like, fuck you, Bobby, because you're going to make fun of me in that moment and I'm going to be prepared. So you daydream about telling Bobby to go fuck himself.

That's like a moment. No, it's a night dream sometimes. Oh, this is like an immersive dream where you feel it. It's paralysis. I can't even get out of it. But you feel it. You're saying fuck you to him and it feels good in your dream. Yeah. Wow. You didn't say hi to me or Andres for five minutes at Andrew's party. And then you made fun of us for having a conversation alone. I should be allowed to talk to Fancy.

Okay. I understand. You don't understand. Let's talk about something else. I understand now. I know. I understand it. It just came to me. You saw it? I saw it all. Wow. The first time I saw it, you know what I mean? Remember They Live? Yeah. Right? Right. Yeah. I put the glasses on. I know what it is. It's clear. I see the writing in the wall. You know what I mean? Wow. I see the world. I see the matrix. And it's stacked up against me.

And I have to like, I have to survive. You do. You have to fight back. I do have to survive. Because you can't just sit there. I can't sit there and let them take over. Right. Yeah. And I think I'm generous. The guy cleaning the boat can like sharpen his knife at night and dream about murdering the captain.

Oh my. It's a common thing. Wow. Wow. This is how you feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're finally getting. I love it. This is the real stuff. This is it. I love it. This is the real stuff. No, what's real? No, no, no. That's bullshit. No, no, no. That's bullshit. So tell. Everyone in comedy, you've always been my homie. You and Andrew. I've always trusted you guys. Yeah, but. But what? But what?

But sometimes you have bully tactics. I don't have bully tactics. Oh, that's not talking to me in fancy. When you walk in, you only talk to the famous people. It was busy. I was busy talking to the famous people. Thank you. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. I walk in. Oh, there's famous. Oh, let's go to the guys I see every day. I mean, what are you talking about? But that's his job to go talk to other people. Exactly. It's work. He's a personality, you know?

And you should know that. - You're right. - You know what I mean? - You're fucking right. - You know, that's time that you were hitting on Kalilah when I was dating her. - That is insane. - What? - You know what I mean? You don't think I know about that either, dude? So you know me, you wanna go or you wanna go? - Whoa. - Whoa, dude. - Whoa. - Whoa, dude. - She flirts. - All right. - Have you had an issue recently with somebody?

Yeah. Okay. That's why I can feel this. Yeah. Something's going on. Something's going on with him. Yeah. Because, you know, when he, something's going on, he tacks and he's tacking me, you know, you're on, this guy, you know, here's the truth guy, right? I love you too. That's what I said. What? He said, here's the truth. I know he was about to say, I love you. No, no, no. You know, I've always had a sense that, you know, I liked you more than you liked me.

- I felt that. - Yeah, me too. And I'm willing to fight your hate with my love. - Thank you. - That is interesting. - Yeah, pretty interesting, huh? - And can I tell you something about that? - Tell me about it. - When you said fight hate with love, you know who did that? - Oh yeah. - Jesus. - That's right. - And what did your counselor in high school tell you to be? - A carpenter.

So it is right here. Exactly, dude. You are a carpenter. And you're a carpenter of the soul. So what you're doing is you're building cabinets. Well, a love castle is what I was going to say. Okay, yeah. You're building a love castle. And other things. Of course. Gazebos and whatnot. Sure, they have to be built on the outside, but build the love castle. Go ahead, throw in a joke. Go ahead. Throw in a joke. I'll let you have it. Go, say it.

I'll have another one. I'm building like little gazebos. Little gazebos. Yeah, you have to build those as well. Yeah, cabinet. And stairs on the ceiling. Wasn't even a good joke. We waited for a fucking bomb. We waited all that time. We waited for a fucking bomb. And stairs on the ceiling. Dude, why did you laugh so hard at that? Because he knew how bad it was. Oh my God, it was pretty bad. Oh my God. They look like fucking stairs, dude. Hey.

Bobby's building a love castle, cabinets and gazebos. Yeah. And if Carlos is going to come at you throwing fireballs of hate flame. Yeah. Guess what? I have a love shield. You have a love shield and you did a benefit for firefighters. So they will be there if you need them. Exactly. To put out this negative fire. Exactly.

That's really what I feel. Yeah. And- This podcast has been about grievances, no? Grievances. A lot of grievances. Yeah. I've got another one I'd like to fucking air out. I would love to hear your grievances. This is what the show's about. I'd love to air out a little grievance here, if you don't mind. Let me tell me. McComb. Yeah. Exactly. Got a little something something. I knew it. Hey. Step up to the mic. Preach. Preach, my friend. You're not even going to believe this. You know what? Maybe you are. I will believe it. Okay, good. Thank you. Right, because-

He can do anything. Mm-hmm. All right? He's diabolical. He is. All right, so. Endless. Tell it to me, friend. Okay. This guy, he's going to Detroit with me this weekend, Detroit and Grand Rapids. I said, you know, I'm going to get you out there so you can film and stuff like that. Sure, why not?

What's my budget for cameras? That's what he says. What's my budget for cameras? My budget for cameras? I'm sorry. He's not Aaron Sorkin. No, he thinks he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to expand. What's my budget? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, time out. This is an even better one. I said, well, let's get you the flights. Let's look at the flights. Very expensive flights. Weren't they? They were. Very expensive. I call. We take care of it. It's fine. Let's get the flights. Text. Hey, I'll show you. Hey.

No, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. If he says, honestly, dude.

If he mentions anything about business class, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I'm being real. I will lose my fucking mind. Comfort plus or better. Then what did he say? Can I get comfort plus or better? I'll fucking show you comfort plus. Go get him. Go fuck him up. Go fuck this guy up. He thinks he needs room for all of his camera equipment. I say, you're not going to put that under the seat. I'm tall and I have to put under the seat. No, no, no. Business class. No. WestJet. No. No.

Speary. Yeah. Spirit in the air. You know what, dude? Cancel it. All right. Yeah. Fuck it. That's a good call. You know what? It's like you give them an inch, they take a mile. All of it. They take all of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've heard that phrase before, right? That's what you are, dude. Giving people an inch. Fucking fucker, dude. Fucker, dude. What a fucking fuck fuck.

- Holy shit, I've never, why are you laughing? - I'm not. - Yeah, that was insane. - Step back from the mic. - Yeah, step back from the mic. - Jesus Christ, what do you say? - Let's talk about giving people an inch. - Yeah. - Really good. - That's pretty good. - Now, take notes, Spaniard. - Yeah, yeah. - That's the kind of shit we like over here. - Yeah, that was a good one. - That's gonna get him back in the running. - Not even with me. - No, no, but still, as a whole. - Not even with me, but we took a couple of steps back.

Okay, you know, but wow. Wow. All right, Carlos, clear the air finally. Just say what you need to say. Yeah, go ahead. Because I know you want to just say it, so just say what you want to say. I'm sorry, Bob. No. That's not what it is. That's not what it is. What are you sorry about? I'm sorry that I had those dark feelings about wanting to murder you. And I thought that in our final moment of me coming here and wanting to spread my wings, that you'd be proud. Yeah.

Yeah. That's not what I was mad about. You brought that up with unsolicited. Yeah. I didn't even need to know that. You know what I mean? You made it worse by bringing that up. Way worse. Yeah, what I'm saying is that I was giving a heartfelt message to the fans, but I was lying. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, now I know way more information, and now I feel even more angry. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's like, why would you have these fantasies? I've never had a dreadful fantasy about you. I've had fantasies of saving you when you were drowning or something. Really? Oh, yeah.

Emotionally. Yeah, emotionally. Literally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my point is that I've only thought positive. I've only said positive things about you in the world, right? That's right. And for you to even have... You yelled at me so many times. Dude, that's my role as a fucking boss. I'm sensitive sometimes. No, you're not. I am. We got in a fight in Atlanta and you've hurt my feelings. What was the fight about? It was like a microphone not working in a previous show or something. Exactly. And it should have worked.

You're right. Exactly. Like sustain pedals never work at venues. Never once. Not one time. I'm in front of thousands of people. Oh, shit. The sustain's not working. I should, you know, it's like there's so many things that I could. Right. But I don't, you know, get your shit together, man. It's getting together. It's together. It's been together. We're going to go to Australia. You're going to eat at your fucking Michelin restaurants. You're going to see.

No, that's just me being passionate. Wow, wow, wow. I know, I know, I know. That didn't sound like passion, dude. It didn't sound like passion.

It sounded like deep resentment. Yeah. Passionate. Do passionate, Fancy. Give me passionate. I love working with you, Bobby. And we're going to make an awesome zombie movie together. Oh, no. No, delusional. You know what, bud? You know what? I'm going to do the movie again. Okay. I'll do your zombie movie. Bobby, don't do that. I know. Yeah. I'll do it. But he will. Yeah. That's passion. Yeah. And McCone, I have a small penis.

No, you don't. I don't, but that's what you told the world. But it's not true. And thank you so much for doing that, man. Like, I don't have enough problems. The world knows. It works. The world knows it's good. Okay. Just stop. Stop, dude. God damn. I have a very good penis. And then we'll see. Thank you for being a bad friend. Great.