Life As an Uggo w/ Andrew Schulz
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Hello there, mate. I'm Benjam Toshi. We're coming to London, England, mate. And then Dublin, Ireland right after. I'm Tom Hardy. He's Tom Hardy. And I'm Andrew Santino. And we're going to London, England, July 18th. And then July 19th, we'll be in Dublin, Ireland. Tickets are available right now. We never go to these places. Never go to these places. Once the show's done, we no come back. We no come back. Yeah, yeah. So you got to go. You got to go. So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com.

Hey everyone from Texas, Houston specifically. I need you to buy tickets for my show on, what is it, March 28th and 29th of this year. Go to HoustonImprov.com. Buy the tickets or I'm gonna hurt myself. I'm gonna hurt myself. I might die. You two are bad.

Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Woo!

- Probably you two or something. - We're bad friends. ♪ What happened to Gene Hackman ♪ ♪ What happened to Gene ♪ ♪ What happened to him ♪ ♪ What happened to Gene ♪ ♪ His wife died too ♪ ♪ What happened to Gene ♪ ♪ And one dog ♪ Yeah, let me say something. - The dog was in the kennel, which I think is a little strange. Don't you let your dogs free roam? - I free roam my dog. - I free roam, dog. - Yeah, but-- - I'd be free roaming. - My question is-- - How old was he, by the way? - 95.

Time to go. I know. You did your time. But his Asian wife, 65, right? And dog died and two dogs survived. Who were the survivors? Let me see the survivor dogs. Yeah, survivor dogs, man.

Yeah, yeah. There they are. They're some of the dogs. Those are German Shepherds. German Shepherds. They can live through anything. They lived through the Holocaust. They were very good in the Holocaust. They were good, dude. And their work is not credited. Right? It was not credited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, though, the other one that was bad was Michelle Trachtenberg died the same day, right? In New York. Oh, that's not here?

- Yeah, it was in New York. - It was the same day because Gene had been dead a day when they found him apparently. - They found him a day later? - Oh yeah. - It's a Hollywood tribal.

Okay, we've talked about it on this show. People die in threes. Who's next? Who's the third? Let's guess. I'm going to throw it. Hold on. On the count of three. Yeah. Hold on. Let me think of the name. Hold on. Okay. I was going to say, on the count of three, we have to think of a name together. Okay. We shouldn't predict. Okay. You know what I mean? No, because you know what happens on the show when we predict? Yeah. It doesn't. It happens. But so here's the thing. They say it's not carbon monoxide poisoning. Got to be.

They said it's not. Otherwise it's- And they said it's not foul play. So I have a prediction. Fair play. So maybe someone deserved to kill him. It was fair play. And I think this, okay? One of the dogs-

was scared of the Asian wife. Oh, at some point she's like... He's thinking, it's me. I'm going to go soon. I'm next. It's me or her. No, he's German. They're German shepherds. I don't know. She's looking at me. One day she's going to eat me. And by the way, Jean's getting so old, he couldn't control her from doing that. Right. So one day, the dog... I can't do a German accent. Yeah, I will do it for you. Yeah, do it for me. So...

saw a gigantic chocolate bar exposed. Oh, I love chocolate. I know, but you know what it does to you. What does it do to me? It kills you. So he saw the chocolate bar, right? This is my time. And what does the other two dogs say? Well, they ran away. They got away. They were in the house. Well, look at the movie Crimson Tide. Here's my conspiracy. Love this movie. You think Denzel did it?

That was my other theory. I was honestly not going to say Denzel. Zoom in. I was going to say George Zunga. That guy right there. Fourth. Right before Vigo. No, wait a minute. Yeah. Vigo makes the most sense. Vigo Mortensen is German. Oh, Aragorn did it. Aragorn did it. Those are my dogs I sent to. That's a long play. That's a long play.

I don't know if he would go all the way to New Mexico. Yes, he would. He loves New Mexico. How do you know that Viggo Morrison likes New Mexico? We vacation there. Okay. You know what? And rest in peace, one of the greatest actors of all time, Gene Hackman. Bro. God bless. Do you realize- Rest in so many peace. That made so many good movies. French Connection. Yeah. Well, I told you, Crimson Tide is one of my favorite movies. Here's another one that you forgot. So good. Young Frankenstein. Oh my God. He plays the blind guy. That's right. So funny. Wow, dude. He did everything. Oh, yeah.

Oh, actually, you know what? Look at all the movies. We've done, I mean, it's insane. Here's my favorite voice he ever did, though. Yeah, go on. Ants. So good in Ants. Do it now. He was the general. Do it now. We must fight to survive. We must fight to survive. You know that speech he does? It's so good. Is that him? Yeah. Okay. He was so good in Ants, dude. Okay. King Ant. He was. Probably made of millions. I don't know about that. Did animation pay that well back then? I don't think so. You're right. Yeah, now that they got like superhero. They get points, though, I think.

Right. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess I got a residual check the other day for...

For the sale of Ricky Stanecki to DVD. What was it? Cha-ching. Big time, dude. Cha-ching. $42.36. Cha-ching. Really? That's what it was. $42.36 or $0.37. I'd have to look it up. Yeah, people think that when you do these things. Residuals. They're like, it must be raining down. I did movies for virtually free. You lost money on some. I lost money. A lot of money. It's not a lucrative thing. Unless you're Ryan Reynolds. And be careful, Ryan Reynolds.

Why? They're coming for him. The business is all like mad at him and his wife. I didn't get involved in this shit on the internet because I didn't care to like research. But it's funny how many stories are being told about these guys. There's another story that I just saw on TikTok. It's the movie that he did, that sci-fi movie with Jake Gyllenhaal.

What was that movie called? I see it in my mind. Horizon or is it Collateral Horizon? Life. We were right there. We were right there. So close. I would have got life. See the girl that's, go back. Rebecca Ferguson. Rebecca Ferguson said something crazy about him. I don't know if it's true. I wasn't there. It looks true. But he was really mean to her.

Like a bully on set. Yeah, yeah. Really? And then one day she came on. What? This asshole is so insecure that he's just yelling at me all the time. Yeah. And so one day she comes on set and she goes, I'm not doing scenes with you anymore. I'm going to do it with the tennis ball. No. She stand with the tennis ball? Yeah. And then the producer went up to her and she goes, he's number one on the Chicago seat. He has to be there. I don't know why. He probably doesn't want to be there. Yeah. Yeah.

But again, we don't know if it's true, but it's enlightening. Well, it's a bummer because then all those stories that TJ Miller told about working with him on Deadpool seem to be much more valid. Like people, people, people did not believe him, but they were like, well, you never know. Their relationship could have been toxic, but it seems like. How hard is it to be nice?

Here's the deal. I don't know the deal. Tell me the deal. I think Denzel Washington said about him. Who? Who? Denzel said about Ryan Reynolds? Yeah. They were in a movie together, Safe House. Oh, yeah. And in an interview, they asked Denzel, they said basically, well, when Ryan Reynolds was there, he was just observing you and he forgot to act because he admired you so much. And then Denzel said like, oh, is that what it was? I thought he was just terrible. That's what Denzel said? Yeah. Wow. Everybody on the show is like...

Wow. That's amazing. And when Denzel's a truth teller. He really is. When he says like, I don't know if it's A.I.,

But with his voice. Well, it could be. He can say anything and it'll be like a spiritual. Zoom into that photo you just patted up. That's two lover boys. Look at that. Zoom into that photo. Denzel doesn't look stoked. He doesn't. Yeah. Denzel does not look stoked. Yeah. That is kind of crazy to think about. Well, here's the deal. Here, I'll answer your question. Yeah. How is it hard to be nice on set? Yes. No, no, no. Here's why, though. He's hot. He's been hot his whole life. You and me.

uggo ruggos you know knock knock knock here we go knock knock knock Bobby Andrew you guys ready are you guys out of your bucket of slime you want to come shoot the scene they do they do they treat the uggo ruggos differently the couple last movies I was in one of those

Quarter, like a fucking... It's not a quarter, 10% trailer. It was like barely a human being could go in there. It's a bathroom. Literally the toilet and that's it. You're sitting on the toilet to watch like, you know what I mean, YouTube videos. You know what I mean? And then you have to wait there for so long. All day. All day. And then you're like...

Hey, can lunch, can I leave? No. And they go, no, absolutely not. We need you. What if we need you? So then lunch happens four hours later. They don't need you. They don't need you. It's bullshit. Yeah, this is what happens. When you're regular and uggo, if you're us who are regular looking guys. But anyway, you're right. I think if you're an uggo like us, you're going to not get treated the way that, Ryan Reynolds is so hot. I know, but can I say something for a redhead? And I get a lot, one time I was at one of your shows.

What do you mean? At our show that we do together? No, we weren't doing it together. It was a show that I was supporting you. Oh, yeah. And a lady in the audience, I was sitting kind of in the side, and she turns to me and goes, your boy is handsome. Only because I'm on stage. No, I've heard a lot of that on the internet. I've heard a lot about my direct messages. And I just want you to own up to your handsomeness. No, no, no.

First of all- Because you have a mutant color of the hair. Yeah, because I'm a mutant. I'm a freak. But the faces. Andrew Santino is so hot. What the fuck? Yeah, but that's a guy. These are all guys. They're not guys, dude. Trust me. Look at 2020, 2022. Steve, there's a Bobby Lee one. Can I tell you? The amount of times that I've gotten dick pics sent to my DM from guys, it's unreal. I get dick pics all day. Didn't you live in- So when they- I did. That's why. Wait, wait. When you-

Bobby Lee. What is that? When you type in Bobby Lee hot, it comes up. It's about spicy wings. Spicy wings. Right? That ate hot stuff. But you do. No, I know I have, but that's bullshit. Wait, scroll down a little. Yeah. That's so funny. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Let's see. Bobby Lee hot. Eating spicy wings. It's where I had diarrhea when I was on hot wings. But you did hot ones. I've never done that. They've never asked. They don't want me over there. Look at that. Oh, my. Anyway, get out of that.

So you don't, I don't have a Reddit flat. Bobby Lee's the only person to shit himself on Hotline. Okay, okay. That's an award in and of itself. I know, but that's still humiliating. Name someone else that's done that. I don't know. By the way, New York Magazine, Bobby Lee puts one of the most outrageous and outrageously funny Hotline performances to date. Bam. There you go. I do it for comedy. You always do it for comedy. Yeah, anyway, let's get out of that. But you're hot. Let's move on. No, no way. You can't just say you're an ugly one. But you know, I wonder what it is.

with like that generation of like they were hot their whole life they got treated hot their whole life some guys did Brad Pitt is like the coolest fucking dude and everyone says they work with him he's like the most rad dude on earth and he's been hot his whole fucking life

Okay. He's never not been hot. He's hotter now than he was 20 years ago. But who's the hottest young actor now, man? Timothee Chalamet. Exactly. And from what I've talked to Theo about, because Theo had him on. Oh, yeah. He's the nicest guy. He seems like a good kid. You know what I mean? And he's unaffected and he...

Why can't you just be that? You know you're on the top of the world. You know how much money you're making. And why can't you just accept that and go, you know what I mean? I'm grateful for everything that I've done. Something's going on inside. Oh! Color coordinated. Are you guys already recording? Yeah, always. Oh, I didn't know that. How are you? What's going on, man? Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz. What's up, Captain? What's up, Doc? What do you want me? Doing right there. The blue chair. The blue chair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, look at these pants. That's how much money he's making. Those pockets are waiting for all that money to go in. Look at how deep those pockets are. I don't have any money to me, man. This guy's got deep pockets. I heard about all the movie money. I heard about that Hulu deal. I heard you broke a record. Yeah, I broke two records. That's what they said. I heard they kicked you out your golf club. Yeah, they did. They said you got to go to Bel Air now. I had to, dude. Even your mustache is fancier. I hate it.

We're not going to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you, Lando Carissian? You guys got the nicked deal. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nicked tea pouches. You're the mayor of Cloud City now, you bitch. You got majority white people on the pod so you know you're making money. Wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all. You kicked the flip out of here. First of all. Someone who's always been nice on the set. Korean.

Spanish, Mexican. We have the whitest Hispanics. Well. You got to get the whitest ones. Yeah. These are like real colonizers. You know how they call us colonizers? Yeah, that one. Those were like the descendants of Vasco de Gama. The one on the right. I get it. I get it. He is. You were chasing around the Mel Gibson people. Indeed. What are they called? With him. With him. What's that Mel Gibson movie? What's that called? The Aztec shit? Apocalypto. Apocalypto. Yeah, you were chasing around the Apocalypto.

You're the reason they speak Spanish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got real racism in you, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is beautiful. That's you. That's you right there. Yeah, can we get a, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One? Yeah. I want one. Well, we can't. Well, they're hard to pin down. They're busy working nine other jobs. Who's this hairy fuck? He looks Spaniard. Oh, this guy right here? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he is kind of. They made it up to Spain. You don't know how to press her. Those are the Moroccans, bro. That's why the Spanish got some color. Bobby, you've met him no less than 20 times. I love him.

Bobby's a real piece of shit in that regard. What's his name? You had that guy. Mango? Anyway, good to see you, Mango.

Don't get defensive, dude. Oh, is that Korean? That's great. What does that mean? Bad friends. Oh, sick. You know, I was talking to somebody about somebody went to that Euro of sushi place. They said it was the best sushi. And then I told them, I go, Andrew Schultz didn't like it. And they couldn't, no one can believe that. You know what I mean? Nobody there even likes it.

Yeah, that makes sense. Wait, wait. It's all for Netflix. Yeah. That does make sense. You know how you visit a place, you know how it's like, what is it, Pat and Gino's in- Oh, in Philly? No one likes, no Philly people don't like that. They're like Ishka Bibbles, right? Yeah, Ishka Bibbles. Yeah, that's right. They don't like that. This is Pat and Gino's of Japan. That's Gino right there. Yeah.

Yeah. He's old, bro. He knows old. Now, did he come out and say hi to you? No, he was there and his son. We got like the real shit. Oh, the real shit. I bought a suit to go there because you have to like dress. They say not to drink. You have to like respect it. Yeah, yeah. And then we went there and there's a bunch of fucking assholes. Were you there with your wife? I was there with my wife. What did she think of it? She doesn't like wasabi and it was so much wasabi that like we couldn't even eat it. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

they don't want you to drink. Isn't it in a subway? Yeah, it's in a subway. I'm drinking. It's the subway. That's the logic, but I had so much deference. Here's like, all right, you know how like Japanese people, they only do something if it's perfect. Correct. Like they have so much shame. Yeah. You know, unlike the Koreans, you'll have fast shit, but like the Japanese. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Couldn't even keep their country as one. You know what I mean? Exactly. Couldn't even keep one country. There's no like North Japan. It's one Japan. Japan.

There are Japanese people still fighting World War II. We put two atomic bombs on them. Who's we? Who's we? America! Whose side are you on? Come on! Pearl Harbor was the right thing to do. All right.

Let me tell you something. It's a sneak attack and you deserve it. It was a sneak attack, but they were trying to land, right? Let's just be honest. Yeah. What? Just wanted to land the plane. They wanted to land the plane. It's just not the best. Is it a bad flying joke? I'm just saying that there might not be the best. Yeah, yeah. They're good at flying. They're not good at driving. Let's just say that.

Okay. No, but my point is that they have to do everything the best because they feel so much shame. True. Okay. Right? But can I go back to the movies, though? We make better movies, the Koreans. Koreans do make the best film. I'm not going to lie. Korea's been on a tear right now. We're on a tear. Unbelievable. TV shows, movies, we're on a tear. The Squid Game thing is incredible. It's incredible.

It's not just a thing. He's in it. It's a franchise. I'm not in it. You're not? I'm not the squid. Can I ask you a racist question? I'm going to be serious. Be serious and be racist. I love it. That's who you are. Okay, okay. Are the numbers so we can tell? I don't even get what you're saying. So funny. Like the show, they got numbers on them, right? They tell you who's left. Have you watched the show? Do you know what we're talking about? I've seen both seasons, yeah. Okay, and they got numbers on all the people. Yes. But is it so that we can tell?

We can tell what? Well, who's 456 to 218? There's no fucking way we'd be able to tell. That's AI. I thought that's the same guy. I know what you're saying. Stop, stop. Is it for Western audiences to be able to know? Oh, so you're saying if they don't have the numbers, we're not going to be able to tell what Korean is what?

I don't know why you would jump to that fucking racist. That's a little much. That's not what I'm saying. Then explain to what you're saying. Maybe I was being racist, but explain to me. That was what I was saying. That is exactly. That's 100% what I was saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. There is a similarity. No, I have Asian eyes. Uh-huh. And maybe it's like the movie They Live.

What's that? They Live was a Roddy Piper movie. Oh, nice. And he puts on glasses and he can see messages and signs and aliens through the glasses. And that's what my little Asian eyes are. Yeah, yeah. They Live. It's a great movie. It really is. John Carpenter, I think, did it. Yeah. How much eye do we need?

Like, I don't see more when I open mine. Thank you for saying that out loud. I just thought that. People think that I see things through Letterboxd. Like, do you see this? I'm a Criterion Collection movie guy. You know what I mean? No. We are IMAX, and you're... I'm trying to... You're not IMAX, dude. You're not IMAX. Yeah.

Dude, you don't see eye masks. That's good. If you're looking through, you can see the sky? Fuck you. I'm trying to see if I actually see less like you. I see just the same. And when I go like this, I don't see more stealing. I see less. You see less. I see way less. Yeah, yeah. Because you're doing a... No, no, stop. Can you see further?

- Look at him. - I can see way further. - Oh, so Asians can see further. - Like a hawk. - Yes. - Got it. - Well, no, no, that's so they can see through you. They can see the real soul within you. - They can see what's going on. - Yeah, we have that power, you know what I mean? - Okay, go really concentrate and tell me what I got inside. - Go. - Inside what? - Inside, like, whatever Andrew was saying. - Okay, here we go. - I feel like you're opening them. - I make noises if I do it. - Oh yeah, you have to. - That's fine. - I feel like you're opening your eyes more. I feel like you're seeing less deep. - No, no.

Trust the process. Let me tell you something about it, Guy. I don't want to. Guy, let me tell you something about ethnicities. We're the same. Yeah. And the type of person you are, you make it different. Yeah, I guess. I see black, a black heart.

You saw Blackheart in this guy? Yeah, and you have colon cancer. Oh my God. Dude, I shit a lot. I wonder if that- No, that's a good thing. You're the third guy. You're the third guy. Shitting less is bad. Okay. Shitting more is actually very good. Are you worried about that stuff as we get up there a little bit? As an old white? Yeah. It is something that we should consider. Prostate, colon, all that stuff. The only ones that I think you can snag for old white is prostate and colon. Those are the two you have to be able to snag.

Old whites. My dad just beat prostate cancer. Bobby's dad lived to be 104, didn't have any cancer. Yeah, no AIDS. I've never seen a Korean with AIDS. Isn't that funny? They don't get it. Name me one Korean with AIDS. Oh,

Can't do it. You can't think of it. Can't do it. No, wow, I can't. That is crazy. It's crazy. Is it like not over there? Do you even care about these like STDs and shit anymore? Like you're a married guy. It's like so far beyond. Oh yeah, he's on the move. Are you? I got bumps all over my penis. Do you? Different mounds, different colors. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's a kaleidoscope. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Do you think about that? Do you really think? I pee green for some, you know. You know, he's never been tested. Yes, I have. Oh, really?

- When? - Four months ago I got tested. - Four months? - Yeah, Dr. Cowart was furious. - What happened that made you wanna get tested? - What? - What happened that made you wanna get tested? - I just thought he goes, "You think we should get test?" And I go, "I think we should."

- Oh, you'll speak back in the- - Well, whenever an Asian does an accent, I'm respectful and I do the- - That makes sense. - Can I ask you a question? I was watching a Laird David clip where you were on the show and you used the accent. Did he ask you? Did he like come to you and be like, "Can you fucking-" - Yeah, okay, so I'm gonna tell you about Hollywood. - Yeah. - Okay? - Yeah. - So I got the role of like a merchant of weapons. - Oh no, okay. - But he was in LA. So I just called the director FaceTime and I go,

since he's in la i don't think he should need he goes i want the accent he said it too yeah and i go yeah but you know i mean if it was in korea maybe i was talking to an english i want the accent you're telling me there's nobody in la that's korean that doesn't have an accent i know but what i'm saying is that why do i need one so you don't like doing it you find it's been i'll tell you who fucked me up about it who john show oh wow the actor john show yeah yeah so one day i asked him is he

365. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He was 365. All day. Ronnie Chang was 202. Wait. Yeah, so. John Cho is Hawaii Five-0? No, John Cho is, we did Harold and Kumar together. John Cho. Can we look up John Cho? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Handsome guy. He was in the Star Trek movies as Sulu. I gotta be honest, those Koreans are handsome. Some. No, they got some good looking fucking Asians over there. But no.

I don't think you're ugly. I don't think you're... Fuck you. No, I'm being honest. I don't think you're as ugly as you think you are.

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I've never seen anything like it. And a new chapter begins. Carrie Underwood joins Lionel Richie, Luke Bryan, and Ryan Seacrest on American Idol. New Sundays, 8, 7 central on ABC and stream on Hulu. He looks at me and I asked him, I go, we were on sets. I forgot what it was. And I go, um, you ever do accents? He goes, yeah, I don't do them.

"Do you get offered?" "Yeah, I just don't do them." I go, "Why?" He goes, "I just don't think we need to." And it's just an integrity thing. He goes, "I'm fine that you do it 'cause you do a lot of broad comedies and I get it, but I just don't wanna do it." And it made me feel shame about it. - Why? - Because every role I get is an Asian accent.

Hello, Mr. Johnson. Okay, the last five things you've done to navigate the network. Game of Thrones, the randomization. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wild Walker coming. Please.

You know what I mean? And they're like, yeah, I mean, you don't need an accent, but I don't know why I have one right now. You haven't done it in the last couple of films you've done. You didn't do it. You didn't do it. Look at that. You didn't do it in the last thing you just did, Theo's movie. You don't have an accent. I do a southern accent there. That's even funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man. Drugstore June, no accent. No accent there. Sweet Dreams, no accent. Borderlands, no accent. Oh, I...

The throwback, nothing. Drugstore June, nothing. Magnum PI, nothing. No Magnum PI. Yeah, you're right. You're too famous, I think, to do the Asian accent now. Yeah. I feel like you're too known outside of these projects. What about reservation dogs? Well, can you go zoom back? Here's what- You were in reservation dogs? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm thinking of reservoir dogs. No. Reservation dogs. Mr. Yellow. And I love that-

Good joke. That's so funny. That's so funny. Well, they should have had one. Yeah, Mystery Yellow is very funny. Too many white guys. What about you? I mean, you're like a real thespian. I always say that. Oh, dude, I wish. I can't get any work. Wait, can you not? I feel like you're working all the time. Somebody's working with Matt Damon on a promo. Yeah, that was a promo. This guy's in like real movies and stuff. You were great in that. Thank you. I do want to say this. I saw that. That was so fun. So fun. Thank you. And then immediately I wanted to text you and I didn't and go, how did this come together?

I just asked him. You were like, dude, do this thing for me. And he was like, fine. He's just the nicest, coolest guy. I wish there was like a funny story around it, but he's just the nicest, coolest guy in the world. Can I say something a little derogatory to you right now, Andrew, if I may? Do you think I'm Jewish? Everybody thinks I'm Jewish. You seem it. But anyway. What is it about me that you would think that I'm a Jew?

This is the first time I've seen your ankles. Oh, really? Yeah. So you don't watch my podcast? Yeah. Always ankles out. They're a little thicker than I would wish. I've gained weight. This is dad bod. Buddy, you're still in great shape. Shut up. That's so annoying. You're so handsome and talented. You didn't gain any weight. Guys, fuck you. That's my bad. You know who lost weight? Mango. Did he? Okay, no. He lost 15. Did you really? You notice? Look at that. I do. You can. Why didn't you say anything earlier? That was the first album I ever bought.

Really? Guns N' Roses? A masterpiece, I thought. Unbelievable. What was the first album you ever bought? The Velvet Underground and Nico album. Really? Yeah, at like 12. Wow. I was cool then. I'm cool now. What do you think mine was? Let me... Oh, I know. Wendy's theme song. Hip hop. Okay. Oh, hip hop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to go Beethoven for you. What was your first album? Beethoven? Oh, because of my age? Yeah, because you're an old fuck. Yeah, and I said Wendy's, you know what I mean, soundtrack. I get it. Because you have red hair. I get it. Yeah, yeah. No, hip hop.

Oh, God. I don't know now. I can even give you the title track. Go. Bow Down. What is it? West Side Connection. That's the thing. I knew it was going to be something more obscure. You're like a real hip hop. Wait a minute. West Side Connection? Bow down before we come to your town. That was like my favorite. Bow down. Do you ever hang out with him in social settings? Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. He is the best.

social human being I've ever seen. Nobody can schmooze like this guy. It is the best. It is remarkable. He's the best at it. It is remarkable. I want to learn from him. And that's why he's always around the high people. Oh, I know. I know. Because we had a meeting at Sony today. And he's best friends with everybody. All the famous people. Whenever I see him like on a golf course with somebody, at first I would see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. He knows it too. That's why you're blushing. I'm going to tell you. Go ahead.

Good compliments, and I'm glad that you've seen it as well. Oh, 100%. We went to dinner once. First of all, never go to dinner with him. I don't. I try not to. This is what dinner is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before you even sit down, somebody goes, Santini goes, oh, I'll be right back, guys. And then he just goes table by table by table. Yeah. Like he's fucking Don Rickles just shaking hands. Exactly. And then we're sitting there like assholes. Are you Sinatra? Andrew, can we order you something? Yeah. Andrew, do you want some cocktail or something? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, get me whatever you guys get. He gave me this. He was, yeah, yeah, get me whatever you guys get. We were in a meeting at Sony executives and he's telling the, you know this happened. He's telling the group where he met certain people. This is the first time I met any of these people. He's like Bill Clinton in like the best way. He's like, in 2009, man. Remember you had that office over on this and this and this? He's like, yeah, man. I've been fucking with you for a while. That's who you are. Okay, how are you so...

No, no, no. I love the pain. I've always loved it. No, no, no. Thank you, Andrew. It's something I admire. This is the thing. I have a hard time. If there's somebody that I really like or admire, it's very easy for me to talk to them. Yeah, yeah. But it almost becomes like an interview. I'm like, hey, you're really good at this thing and I want to know all about it and everything. You hang out with people in a way where they're like, you're acting like they find you cool.

Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Like they're kind of trying to win you over. You got to sell them on that. You're the one. Yeah. Sell them on. You're the one you're, you're meeting me. I'm watching it. Yeah. So what? So give me the, okay. I'm glad that you've also known it. Praise the Lord. Put one down. So we're on the same team. Yeah, please. Come on. Your heart goes out. Make your heart go out. Doesn't your heart go? No. All right. You get your Kanye shirt. Do we get those Kanye shirts? Do they show up yet or no? We ordered a hundred of them.

All right. Okay. Hold on. This is how you're like really hate the juice. Double down. I can't get into specifics. So tell me, tell me, what is it? Like when you meet somebody who's like really famous, how are you making them feel so...

comfortable because you know everybody wants their attention. Yeah. What is your, what is this social skill you've developed? I mean, this is going to sound awful. No, it's not. I'm fascinated, but I think it is a true characteristic of yours. Praise the Lord. You notice this, right? Yeah, yeah. I just don't. Hallelujah. I don't care. I don't care to treat them other than

A guy I just... So you're just ball busty. I just don't care. And if they're like, oh, I don't like that you're too... Comfortable. Familiar, then I don't care. So you remove yourself. Then we're not cool. If I can't treat you like a human, then I'm not fucking interested. So you're immediately... It's just like... The most famous people I've ever met, I treat them just like a fucking regular human. And they probably love it because everybody treats them so weird. Yeah. And the fact that there's somebody who's treating them like they're in high school again...

there's a comfort that they have. I'll tell you the real trick if you want the honest truth. If you want the honest truth, the reason I got... That's all we wanted. The reason that I got...

Well, first of all, I'll give context to what he's saying. We were in a meeting at Sony with one of my best friends in Los Angeles who got us the job. You're welcome, freebie. What's the job? What's the job? We're doing an animated show. Yeah, we're doing an animated movie. Sorry. But I will be honest. The reason that I did get comfortable not caring about famous people is my first job in LA was on Punk'd. And I was so in my head all the time. All these celebrities would come to the studio. And at some point, I just stopped giving a fuck about trying to like...

you know oh my god you're so good to meet you and all that stuff because I was so worried about the bits I didn't give a shit about the celebrity and they didn't give a shit about me so it's kind of this great equalizer of when I was young I met all these famous people and they didn't fucking give a fuck I was a player on the show I was a nobody and so I just kind of thought I'm not gonna fucking kiss ass to these people it didn't mean anything to me so I never wanted to earn their friendship

because I didn't care and honestly I met them all when I was 25 years old that's when I met every famous person from Punk'd all these people Andrew I didn't give a shit they didn't like me anyway it was like I was a young broke gay player I'm gonna give you some insight he's gonna be very mad about it I love learning about you guys don't get mad I'm listening alright when we go to the airport he acts as if he's Jason Bourne

hat down, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - Right, rifle, it's he's a star. - I mean, just see--

Open hair. No, I know. Right eye. You know what I mean? Say hi to everybody. Yeah. Right? This guy thinks he's fucking Ethan Hunt. Yeah. Someone wants attention. Thank you. Someone wants attention. I was waiting for a little backup. Fuck you, Spaniard. Fuck you, Spaniard. I'm acting normal. Spaniard. Okay? So what I do is I wear a hat at the airport. I go sit down and I go relax away from my flight. This guy moseys about. Oh, really? How did it turn to mosey?

Is that Bobby Lee? That's what he wants so fucking bad. Yeah. And I just want to chill, have a coffee, wait to get on my plane. This guy, he'll purposely tussle up his hair so it's fucking huge. He'll go in and out of that fucking WH Smith or whatever that convenience store is. He doesn't buy it. It's a good convenience store. You're not buying anything. Yeah.

He doesn't buy shit. I like to look at the Dolly Ranchers. He moseys. He moseys until he's recognized. Correct. That's not what I do, Andrew. Fuck you. Does it feel good? Does it feel good to be recognized? What is the feeling? He fucking loves it. If it was sold in a can, he'd buy cases of it.

Can you come sit over here? Come sit over here. Come hang out. Is this mic on? Is this mic on? It will be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel so much more balanced now. Yeah, so here's the deal. I need you to back me up, okay? Okay. So here's the logic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want you to be your heart open. This outfit is subdued. This is not an attention-seeking outfit. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much, dude. It is subdued, right? This guy goes to the airport. He's wearing a bright pink beanie, a bright blue jacket. He's carrying bags like he's Dave Attell. He's got like 30 bags around him. He loves people looking at him. One time you said to me, we weren't at the airport. I was just sitting there on a curb or something. And you turned to me and goes, I like your fashion.

Yeah, I think it looks cool. So you know that I dress a certain way. You got great fashion. I think you look cool, undoubtedly. Yeah, so what I'm saying is that I don't dress differently in my regular life than the airport. Okay, secondly this, I can't go into the convenience store? Are you parched ever? Yeah. You want a bottle of water? Yeah. Are you allowed to get one? Yeah. If somebody accidentally goes, yo, Andrew Schultz,

Are you attention seeking? You usually send Carlos to buy you stuff. That's right. Carlos has to go be the gopher and go get stuff. Can you do an American accent? Yeah, yeah. He's doing it right now. I don't feel like he even tries. Thank you. Can you speak like us? Can you? I can't. Try. Just give it a go. Say, hey, it's great to meet you, Andrew Schultz. Hey, it's great to meet you, Andrew Schultz. He's a robot. He's a serial. And Andrew, I want to say one last thing. Yes, please. And this is a truism. Yes.

Okay. I have ozempic burps. I just took a shot. Don't. Are you doing the ozempic? Yeah, I did it like an hour ago. Oh, is that the weight loss? Yeah, yeah. We go V. We go V, I mean. Oh, wow. So check this out, okay? Many years ago. Is he really on it? Yeah. Yes. How does that? I'm nauseous all the time. Like, I'm on chemo. Let's move on. Well, you're just getting ready for a couple years down the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prepping. Stopped.

If I do get cancer, dude, you're going to feel bad about it. We're all going to get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all going to get it. All right, so I was doing a radio show with Patrice O'Neill in New York. And I was complaining about...

how Dr. Ken is getting everything at that time. Right? And he pulled me outside when we were done. He goes, yo, son. That's what he said. Ken Jeong said that? No, no, he wasn't there. And he just goes, you know, you and I are similar, right? I go, in what way? He goes, we don't know how to do the social shit.

You know what I mean? We don't know how to bend or bridge the gap, right? We're so insecure and so we're comics, you know what I mean? That we can't go to a party and fake it and have this mask that some people wear, you know? That's about the only thing you and producer O'Neal have in common. That's it.

Nice. Go sit in your chair. Nice. I can't believe he's saying you're faking it. No, I don't think you fake it. No, I think you actually love those. I enjoy it. I think it's a fun thing for you. I think if it was work, you wouldn't do it. No, I enjoy. I enjoy talking to people who I talk to. I don't. There's some people I don't care to see ever again, but I want to talk about you for a second. What I do. What I do. So the first time I met you was where? Uh,

Montreal. Exactly. Yeah, we had a lovely meal that you paid for. You're a gentleman. Yes. And at that moment, I go, this kid is going to go places. Oh, wow. Because of just the...

what your vision of what Hollywood's gonna be like was spot on, right? And that what we're doing online is the future and all that stuff. And that you said that many, many years ago. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - And you were very kind that weekend. I will say that. You were the nicest. - Yeah, because I'm a kind person. - I think you are. I do think you are. - Admit that. I'm a kind person. - I didn't make you feel insecure at all.

Exactly. You were like the most confident. Like some people. Why do you think Andrew makes you feel insecure? Why does he make you feel insecure? Let me tell you another example, dude. I'm taking it all day today.

I'm trying to compliment you. I'm trying to say how amazing you are. He'll spin it, dude. He's an evil. I'm not an evil person. A little Korean spider. He'll spin this into whatever narrative he wants. He'll take the fucking web and he'll just spin it into whatever he wants. They don't have web spider monkeys. Anyway, they have longer arms. I put monkey on it, but that's just how I feel. So what I want to say to you is this, okay, is I don't know what I was going to say. Oh, yeah. So this...

I forgot what I was going to say. Montreal, we met. We met at Montreal. Right, right. We connected. And then... I thought I had good ideas about how the business would go. Right. And you were right on it, but you had a confidence about you, right? That was very...

Just confident. You know what I mean? And you fulfilled all those things. Yeah. You know what I mean? All your dreams came true. So I kind of put you in his category in many ways. Ah. You know what I mean? I think he's better socially. Oh, I know what I was going to say. That's the only one I was going to say. Okay. I'm a social butterfly. Let me finish my thought. I'm an only child who loves to run into people. I had no... If you...

I would never guess you're an only child. Well, I had a sister, but our gap was almost 10 years. So it was like, we didn't grow up together. Okay. My half sister, we were so...

We're friends as adults. Were you like a cul-de-sac kid where like the neighborhood, you're talking to people on the block, like you were allowed to go outside your house? I sports all time. Sports. He lived like the movie The Wire. The Wire, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Urban. Baltimore. I was in three gangs when I was a kid. I got beat. I got jumped. No, you've been...

Jumped out of three of them. But didn't you live in like a- When I was a kid, kid. And then when I was a- Okay, that's all I'm saying. When I was a high school, we were in the suburbs. All right. But dude, I wanted to be social all the time. I'm like my mom. I hate being home. I want to be out as much as possible. Oh, really? I want to go see people. I want to go do shit. Homebody, I'm the antithesis of homebody. Really? Hate being at home. And you've got a beautiful home. Home is a place to sleep at night. That's it for me. Really? I don't need to be- I don't even- Dude-

I don't give a fuck. I've never in my heart have ever had the like need for like a, like to, to make a house a home. Don't care. House is just a place to keep my shit. That's nice. Anyway, I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. I'm saying. You're leaving? Get him a water. Oh, there's one right by you, right by your foot. Right by your foot. Okay. No, I'm trying, I'm trying to say, I'm trying to say the truth is I don't, I don't, home is a place to sleep. Home is a place to sleep. I don't care about it. I mean, great job. Well, I mean, I'm just telling him something.

God, there's rage in your eyes. No, no, I'm just, you're stepping on me. I'm telling a truth story. Oh, I'm sorry. But no, go do some of your bullshit. Tell me about how you're like Patrice O'Neal.

The greatest fuck one of the greatest comics of all time. Tell me how similar you are to that guy. Go ahead. Tell me that fucking tell me that bomb story that you told over there. Oh, you're getting personal. Fucking bomb story. What do you mean getting personal? You're shooting at me. Bring put your gun up there. I don't have a gun. Well, then fucking I have a flower. Then get off the range. I'm putting the flower in your gun. Get off the range. Right. Like the fucking 60s. Right. You do. He steps in front of a tank and surprise that we want to run him over. Yeah, but it's for peace and love. Well, don't get in the way of a tank. Yeah. Anyway.

Fucking dick. It's not even funny, dude. You know what? I'm not even going to say what I want to say. You started it. I'm not even going to say what I'm going to say. You fucking started it. Oh, I'm going to say my point. It's not funny. It's an observation. Oh, go ahead. So wham. The band? Yes. Okay.

He says we're the band Wham. So the Wham broke up. I thought that was the first album. Why did the Wham break up? Why? Egos. Yes, that often happens. Every band happens, ego. I understand this philosophy. But you guys never have that issue. Do you know why? Why is that? I give him majority of the power.

Yes, I do. I give him 60% of the dollar. When he says power, you know what he's trying to say? Responsibility? Work. Responsibility. Yeah. Jobs. Yeah, yeah. I give him all of the work, and I just mosey on in. So that I don't bring up the band. It's out of love for you. You didn't even bring the instruments. We had to bring them for you. I know, because it's the cyber age now. This guy shows up to practice like, did anybody tune my shit? Yeah. We have a garage band now. What do we need instruments for? But anyway, um...

No, I'll tell you why this band is so good. Tell me, tell me, yeah. Be honest because I thought what I said was kind of honest, but... Yeah, why do you guys think you've had so much success for so long? Well, I think because our love is... I said it before. No matter what we say to each other, there's love beneath all of it anyway. You could say the craziest shit. I love them so much. It doesn't matter. I don't care. The truth be this, okay? If I may. Yeah. And I'm not attacking you.

I'm not attacking you. I love you so much. Right? Oh, dude. All right. So... Good. Okay. It's a flower. Go. Okay. So...

You do have fun. I know when, I know, like there was one time. Yeah. And he knows with me too. Yeah. There's one time where I told the crew, I don't think today is a good day to like let Andrew be, he's going through something. Cause I know he goes through the depression. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He goes to the really deep depressions. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's really bad. Like it's like clinical almost.

I feel. No, not almost. It literally is. It is literally clinical. Yeah. He literally shuts down and he doesn't say anything all day long. Yeah. And sometimes he needs to drift away. So you isolate big time. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm in a bad mood, I don't, I just. So if I, what would, if I went, what the fuck's your problem? That would cause a riff. Yeah. So I let him be him. Yeah. And then when I'm going through my stuff, he lets me be me. I lift him up. I have, I have a story about him doing that with you.

What? I remember you were going through a really hard time. And I remember I was like, I was just talking to you and I was checking in with you about something. And then you were, uh, yeah, you were just saying that you were, I don't know if you had relapsed or something like that. I forget exactly what it was, but like you were just saying that he was going through a really hard time and that you guys needed to be, uh,

that was really sweet you're like you have to let him go through these things you gotta be there for him and ultimately he's gonna pull himself through it we just gotta love him through it yeah that's amazing thank you so much and I know that you're being sarcastic right now but that is a beautiful thing from a friend yeah don't fuck don't fuck our guest no fuck you I was being sincere thank you so much I don't know it's hard for him to be sincere it is a little hard let me do it again then alright do it again let me try hold on hold on dude

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Thank you so much. Why are you thanking me? Thank you so much. Yeah. I forgot who the, what the part was. You know what I mean? Thank you. What about, do you have conflicts with India? Yeah.

See? Do you have conflicts with India? He really doesn't care. Ask me a question you really care about. Yeah, do you have conflicts with India? Yes, with India, the country I have. No, no, no. He's talking about Akash. Oh, all the time, for sure. But that's my homie. That's my day one, so you get through it. Akash. Yeah. Actually, very rarely, though. He stopped texting me for a while. Why? Because I never returned. Because you didn't respond to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you going through something? No.

He ghosted him on some shit and Akash was upset about it. Aw. Was it reasonable that he was upset? Yeah, yeah. He ghosted him. He just never responded. But that's not because of a personal thing. If he doesn't understand that, that's his problem. Yeah. Wait, what? Have I ever texted you back? Yeah. Every time? Every time. Yeah. You're a big star. Ha ha ha!

That's fair. I'm going to say you're number one on the call sheet. That's right. Does Bobby treat more famous people differently? Yeah. Oh my fucking God. Really? Brother. Here we go, brother. You know who doesn't do that? Who? That Santino guy. That's right, baby. Dude, he sucks. That's who doesn't do that. This guy, when we're with somebody who's famous. What does he do? Dude, dynamically changes. Tell me what. He puts what? He hides too, eventually.

He puts on a show and then he disappears because he doesn't want them to over analyze. Oh, so it's like kill and then get out of there. 100%. Kill him. So the one example. He kills and he gets the fuck out of there. Because you're like, I'm going to fuck this up. Yeah. Like, so Michael Bay. Yeah. The director. Oh, let me tell the story. No, let me tell it.

That's my story. Go ahead. God. Hold on. Let him open it up. Let him open it up. I'll let him tell the story first. Michael Bay's wife is a huge Bobby Lee fan. Right. Is like in love with Bobby Lee. Right. And so she convinced Michael, A, to listen to the show, and then B, to start coming to see us live. Right. Right? So Michael and his wife have come to the comedy store a few times. That's a big deal. Yeah. And they come because-

Bobby Lee is they cannot get enough yeah so the last time Michael Bay came the last thank you Carlos for a little spit cup yeah guy who goes to WH Smith at the airport and

The last time Michael Bay came to the comedy store, me and him are back to back tag teaming. And it's a great hot night. And he's in the green room. I get off stage. He's with Michael Bay and his wife, who I do not know. I'm not familiar with them. I've barely I've said hello. And I get off stage. And what do you do? Go ahead. Take it away, kid. Can I take over the story? Yeah, I just fucking gave it to you. OK, thank you. God, I don't like your energy right now. Tone it down. Now go ahead. OK.

So he comes, right? And it's always... So we're in the green room in the main room, in the bathroom part. In the private part. In the private part, right? He sits down and it's always like, World War II, right? Right.

They're attacking. You're a convenience store owner. You're still a merchant guy. Yeah, but it's a rule. You know what I mean? Explain me the history of LA culture. He's pitching them a role. Right. And I get so discombobulated. Yeah, that's right. Is that the right word? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Discombobulated. I go, I need to fucking do a pass.

And I pass Michael Bay to him. He literally grabs me and goes, dude, come in here. Come in here. And then what I do? I walk into the room and he disappears. To get the other guy. So then I'm in there with Michael Bay. And then I'm getting Bill Burry ready to be the tag. I will give credit. Let me give credit where credit is due. As soon as Bill walked in, I was like, fuck yeah, I can get out of here. I did that for you.

Because Michael and his wife, I don't know them well. And I was also like, they're wanting to talk to him. I'm this interim thing. So now they're pitching his role to you? No, no, they're not pitching me. Now it's more like, so how's comedy? I'm like, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, it's fucked. And just because they want to talk to him, but he's so uncomfortable, he throws on me. When I saw Bill walking, he's like, what's up, dude? I was like, I was fucking gone. I'm the one that sent the bill. So that was very nice. I said, Michael Bay really wants... It was a lie. But he gets nervous. No, I lied. He gets uncomfortable. Yeah, he lies. And then Michael Bay was like...

What are you doing? So you alley-ooped? I alley-ooped. You alley-ooped to Bill Burr. But Bill can't touch the net. But Michael Bay doesn't want it. He doesn't want it. But they start hitting it off. I like that. And I just went into the Hollywood. And guess who got the convenience store role in World War II? Bill Burr. Okay.

Ken Jeong. He lost. Where does Ken Jeong get it? So what I do, and this is the difference between him and I, right? Whereas I'm not comfortable. Like he's invited me like, hey Lee. I go, Michael. He goes, come over for Thanksgiving. There's no way I'm going to go over there for Thanksgiving. Right?

Oh, it's that close. So I don't show up. They love him. Yeah, yeah. His wife and Michael are like in love. Invited me to the Super Bowl. I go, I'm going to Miami, which I was. Are you familiar with his work? Yeah, I love it. Yeah, he's a prolific filmmaker. I love his movies. They're like just action-packed fun. He couldn't go to Michael Bay's thing for the Super Bowl because he had to go with Jake Paul.

You had to go with Jake Paul to do... To his Super Bowl party in Miami. He flew to Miami for that. He's trying to dumb that one down. So you were so busy at the Super Bowl. Couldn't shoot that week, by the way. We couldn't shoot the show because I'm sick. Oh, you're sick? What'd you do the next morning? Went to Miami with Jake Paul. Okay, I did that. Why didn't you get him tickets to the Super Bowl?

I was at a Super Bowl party. I worked like a shill. At his house. I did a job. What were you doing? In Vegas. I did a job. I took a check. I think. I took a check. No, I was doing a thing with Brian Urlacher. It was like a- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's Brian Urlacher? An ex-NFL player. Exactly. What the fuck does that even mean? What do you mean? Big time. Big time. He's big time. And then he's on the Celtic court front seat. I saw that. Who gets that? Jack Nicholson and this guy. Celtic court? I wouldn't be able to get in the building. Jack Nicholson.

Nicholson. Are you just saying that because of the departed? Yeah. He thinks Jack Nicholson's really white. He pulls him out. And Matt Damon, right? That's right. And Leo, right? They go to the Celtic. They only go to Celtic. Boston, right? Yeah. I couldn't get in the building.

And if I do, I'm the top row with the hand, with the finger. You know what I mean? Thank you, by the way. Thank you so much. I don't believe that to be true. I'd have to buy a ticket. There's no connections I have, and that's the truth. Do you think that they feel a little bit like, what's that term? Like a negged?

or whatever, like they're trying so hard to have you be part of their friend group and you're rejecting it so much. - No, I know, but that's insane. That's crazy talk. - Carlos, validate that. - Is that kind of what happens? - Be real, Carlos, or I'll get mad.

No, don't use that as- Like a deer in headlights. No, because you're gaslighting him right now. Let him answer his own fucking question. Does he try, what Schultz just said, does he try when people are like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, does he try to push away from that? Yeah, because the more famous you are on the show, the faster he'll come back here and hang, something he never does. Exactly. Yeah, but you push away. I don't push away. You push away. I escape. Okay. Two different things. Okay, dude, you get it. You know what I mean? Let me ask you something. If you're in Auschwitz, would you be digging holes? Oh my God.

Wait, what? I think that's a wrong term. If you're in a Japanese internment camp... There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. If you're on a... Japanese internment camp, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be the Japanese going... Do you know how they...

made sure they were just Japanese in there? They looked at the penises? No. Okay, that's what I did. But I was asking a friend of mine who's like parents were, no, grandparents were in the camps. George Sakai? Who was it? Japanese dude. Okay. And I was just like, how did they, like, because I feel back in the day it was a little more loose, right? Oh, yeah. They kind of round them up in there. Oh, you think there's a guy there going, I Chinese. Well, wouldn't you? I don't.

I Chinese. Wouldn't you? Is that not the first thing? Look at the teeth. Right? Maybe. By the way, that's a great movie and escape story of a guy who got out. Who pretends to be other Asian. I Chinese. It's called I Chinese. I Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a Korean guy being super racist to other Asians. No, he's an American. He's an American. He doesn't even have an accent. Right. But he survives, you know what I mean? By Pearl Harbor. You know what I mean? I Chinese. I Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when he's older, maybe the LA riots. I Chinese.

He's an old man. I Chinese. It's out of all. It's a whole. It's an epic. Tell us what your guy said. So I asked him. I was like, how did they figure it out? They must have just lumped them all in there and like whatever. Probably the last names, Andrew. No. Well, how would that matter? And they would. Yeah. What are you talking about? They also probably wouldn't ask their fucking name. No, they're just looking at you and you look fucking Japanese and they throw you in. What's your name?

I'm Frank Wong. Sounds good. Get in there. No, no, no. No, get in there. That's what I'm doing. Jay wouldn't do that. Dude, look at me. I'm border... Okay. Hey, what's your name, pal? Excuse me. Can I ask a quick question? Yeah. Right? Yeah. What the fuck I do here? Oh, oh, oh. You're with the other Japanese guys. Get in line. But... Listen to... With your ear, right? I Chinese. Prove it. This guy's Chinese. Yeah.

That's how it would go. I would show my dick. So he goes, oh yeah, they just spoke to him in other Asian languages and if they couldn't speak back, they knew that they were Japanese. Oh, wow. And I'm like, whoa, that is way easier. That's way easier. That's like the easiest thing. Oh, wait, because the Japanese knew English? No, they would speak to the Japanese guy in Korean and if he couldn't speak back, they'd be like, oh, that's a fucking... Oh, wow, that's a good, clever way of doing it. Yeah, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were just... Yeah, yeah.

But what if it's like a Japanese? Me and Santino are giving the job to round up all the Japanese people. Like, this is going to be fucking easy. Yeah, but my argument against that is there was some, because Japanese have been part of America for so long. A lot of them didn't even speak Japanese. Yeah, that's all. Yeah, some of them were second generation Asians. Dude, my friend's parents didn't speak Japanese. And then after that, it stopped.

Like they stopped entirely. Yeah. Because that's how you end up in camps. And that's what happened to George Takai. Yeah. George Takai, as a kid, he was Japanese though. But he was in a camp as a kid. So they got it right. They got it right. Yeah, they nailed it on that. But then he got Star Trek. Right. Then he got Star Trek. I think it's even. Well, we gave him Star Trek to make up for what we did. That's the reparation. That's your 48th. TV star, that's good. 40 episodes. That's why he got 40 episodes. 40 episodes in a mule.

Let me ask you about the baby. Yes. Talk to me. How many do we have now? Yeah, I got one. Yes. I was talking to Kalilah earlier. Never enough. It can't just be. Endless bucket. Congrats on what. Yeah. Call him when you get to. Congratulations. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I think we're past that. Yeah. Yeah. You know how I feel about it. Yeah. How do you feel? I

I don't like it. He is a bully. He's really good at bullying. I'm not a bully. That's insane. And it's darts. Thank you. It's insane. You're dangerous. Fuck you. It's insane. Because you're so fun and silly and then it's just a fucking sniper shot. Yeah. Even this right here. Whatever that move was. That was bullying. Don't do this, Carlo. It's trying to troll you right now. Oh, that feels like we're just piling on. Bro.

Yeah, I don't ever stick a penis in my butthole. No. No, no, that's not what it is. What is it? Anyway, let's just move off. When a girl puts on a dildo and they fuck you from behind. No. What's that called? Fun. It's called fun. It's a fun time. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a great fun time. I got the word. Is your baby the love of your life? Yes. Undoubtedly. It's every cliche you could ever imagine. It almost like, I understand why comics do the joke about how annoying their kids are. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's because it's the only take that is counter what we all feel. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know how you could take the other angle? Like we all do this comedically, right? I take the angle that's not there and then find a way to justify it. You're the feelings you have for your kid are so unbelievably hacky. Yeah. That you feel unoriginal. Like it's,

every possible cliche. Wow. And our whole life we're trying to have a unique take about things and then you look at the kid and you're like, oh, my kid is the best laugh ever. Right. And it is. Of course. Oh, right. And I wonder if it's just for me. Do you have a son or daughter? I have a daughter. Oh, wow. It's made up of your DNA so it does something. It must biologically do something. The chemicals do something for you. It's unbelievable. Well, because it's like when you meet

When you meet someone who has an ugly baby... Yeah. They don't know that shit. They have no idea. Oh, that's... I'm so glad you said that. That's chemical. They really don't fucking know. I'm so glad because I've seen some uggos. Yeah, yeah. We have a friend... And I say it. We have a friend that has an ugly baby and...

Tight on the way out, though, they say that. Oh, yeah. What's tight on the way? The pussy? Yeah, and the baby's head kind of gets warped. It's a compliment to the wife to have an ugly baby. My wife had a C-section, so it was fucking round. You know what? Why can't they just go feet first? Like a slide. Bro, the funniest thing about anatomy. Why can't they just go feet first? Hey, can you come out feet first?

Babies are upside down. You know that, right? I know, but... You're going to flip them in there? Here's my thinking, Dave. Get tongs in there like you're barbecuing? Yeah, I'll walk. I'll do the whole thing. Walk, walk. Yeah, yeah. Walk that baby. Yeah, fried noodle it. But what I would do is...

because when the feet comes out in the body, it stretches the vagina. No, the head does that. The head does that. And then the shoulders do that. But one, it'll loosen it up. If you put head first, it's tighter. Yeah. If you put feet out first, it'll loosen it up. I get your point. Okay, good. Yeah. Man, they should, I can't believe you're not a doctor. Yeah. Like what were they thinking not hiring you? I don't know the, I don't know. I'm not a medicine man. No, I'm saying you're saying like that's the answer. You think like fucking all these years. Okay, fine.

God. Do you want kids, Bobby? The biggest insult to an Asian guy is to say he's not doctoral. You just don't have it in you, man. I do want them. Yeah? One. Okay. And I will have one. Good. Yes, you will. I got to find the person, though. You'll be a great papa, too. And it's difficult. It's been difficult, Andrew. What's your thing? You get behind it.

Yeah, I get behind the condom. I mean, I don't do it reverse. Are you saying hit it from behind? Yeah, like, I feel like... You think I stick the fucking condom in my butthole and do it from behind? What are you talking about? I think you stick it in your butthole and then you hold your nose closed and then you sneeze and blow it up like a balloon. Yeah.

Bobby has a tail. Look at Bobby's tail. Yeah. Okay. I'll try that next time. But, but I did. And, you know, but a lot of times, you know, women are like, I know you enough. What position? What position? I think you get behind it. I don't. My knees burn. Yeah.

He's got bad knees. That's really rude. What do you mean? Because I have short legs. Okay. And the women that I date are much taller than me. Oh, so their pussies are at eye height. Yeah. So then they have to do a squatty thing too. And we're all burning thighs. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'll do like 10. And then I'll go, hey, you want to switch back to missionary? That's the one I'm good at. The problem is he counts. He'll go one, two, three, four. Oh, you're going out loud. I do reps. Yeah. I got two more sets in me. Yeah. What's your position?

I think on my back, I think I like laying down. The cowgirl. Yeah, yeah. Lovely. That's fun. Lay it down. That's so fun. We've been doing the work for so long. Let them do something. Also, they have to finish. Yeah. And that's the position I can control the best. But here's the thing that they do. I don't understand this. Yeah. The hula hoop strategy. Tell me about that. They get on it. Yeah. It's crazy.

Instead of going up and down, they think they're in a luau. Can I tell you why? They think they're in a luau, and it's twisting your thing. You know what I mean? Like a joystick. I think Andrew's got an interesting...

as to why they might do that. Yeah. No, no, no. I know what you're implying. And fuck you, dude. No, no, I don't. You think I don't have the length? I didn't say that at all. I've never had it flip out when it does up and down. It's not the length. What is it? What is it? They want you to be, they want to hit the sides. They want you to feel the sides and you're skinny. You're skinny.

You do have a skinny penis. Oh, wow. You do have a skinny penis. It's not small, but it is skinny. So it's just kind of like bouncing. It's like an oodle noodle. It's one of those cars. Yeah. And they need to shake it around to hit the sign. Yeah. You know how like grass breathes the breeze? Yes. You frolic through grass? Yeah. It's kind of like that, my penis. Really? Yeah, it just frolics. Just frolics. With the wind, you know what I mean? No, but tell them what the last girl said. She said you had what? Boyfriend penis. Boyfriend penis.

Which is, they say that's really good. She said, explaining boyfriend penis, she goes, not the smallest, it's not small, but it's not like this big, unmanageable. It's like a boyfriend, it's a dick that I could have sex with in perpetuity. Wow. I said, that's a huge compliment. That is a great compliment. Boyfriend penis is great. And who is this girl? She's gone. Yeah.

First girl that loves your cock. You're like, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Delete, delete, delete. She said I was worthy. Just pull up the cord. No, Andrew, okay? Many women have said it. Yes. Maybe you have a great dick. Maybe you have a great dick and you've been catfishing us or no, gaslighting us. I'm being real for a second. Ian Fiden saw it. You showed it to me and I was, I was, what is it called? It was,

Like, I was impressed because of how low an expectation you made me have. Right. That's what you got to do. You got to down bar real low. Yeah, you put it. And it's on 80 every day. And I was like, I don't know what that, you know what I mean? They're like, I like you. And then when they see it, they go, oh, it's boyfriend. It's smart. It's a smart play. It's a smart move. That's a fucking move. Yeah, yeah. He tells everybody, like, you're not going to like me. I'm a small dick.

And then they get in there like, what? This is great. Santino looks like he's got a fucking thing on him. He does, I've seen it. No, you do look like you've got a thing. That's why you can talk to celebs, because you're looking at them like they've got little... Dude, you have a big one. You have a big one, no? What? No. I got boyfriend dick, dude. Oh, you do? I got husband dick. I got girlfriend dick. Ian financed on mine in the spa. Oh, really? And he can judge. He also has bad vision. Ah. When things blur, they widen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he even said,

It's so cute. That's mean. Yeah. I think it's a compliment. I think it's a dick. I think it's a sitcom penis. Oh, yeah. Like a test well. I'm here. It's a test well. It does test well. You know what I mean? Like if it was in a sitcom, they'd be like, people are like, oh. They like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. It's Pixar. Whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nemo.

Not Nemo. Dory. Not Dory. No, no, no. I don't really know. What's that big white blob of a robot? Inflatable white. Oh, that one. Oh, yeah. Big Hero 6. It could be Big Hero 6. Yeah. The presence that that carries, you carry. Yeah. You carry love, warmth, happiness. Can we talk about this for a second, though? Yeah, sure. It's something I've thought about. Okay. Yeah.

How long has marriage been a thing in human race? Since the beginning of it. Yeah, I think since the beginning. No, 5,000 years. Okay. 4,300 years. Yeah, so 4,300 years. Yeah. Were human beings around before that? Yeah. For how many years? A lot. Probably thousands of years. Thousands more. More. Maybe it could be a million. Maybe millions. Right? We don't know. What the fuck did they do that in a million years? They got married. No, they didn't. You don't think? No, they were nomads.

Well, you still got married. No, no. You would go to a village or a dwelling. Polygamy was common throughout history. Cousin marriages remained common throughout the world, particularly in the Middle East. Yeah. Still to this day, you can marry your cousin out there. Yeah. Lugit Akash. I love him. He's so talented. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, gosh.

That's so fucking funny. Our goal is to make Akash's wife the biggest TikTok star. She's so hot. Yeah. And she's beautiful. She's great. But my goal is to remove all the leverage he has in his relationship. That's so funny. So she's making way more money. Is she in the business or no? No, she's just on TikTok, but we're trying to make her a TikTok superstar. What's her TikTok? So just lean with it. Yeah.

What's her TikTok? That's promoter for TikTok. Jasleen with it. She's on TikTok. Jasleen with it. Jasleen with it. TikTok. Let's see what the TikTok is. There it is. Jasleen with it. Yeah. There we go. And how many subscribers does she have? I mean, it would make me feel really good for her to surpass Akash in fame. But why? Ask yourself the question, why? Because it's funny. Yeah, we like to see our friends suffer. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, that's the point. What do you think this whole show is? Yeah. All right, there we go. There she is. Yeah, there she is. Wow. How are you guys doing? I'm here on Valentine's Day.

Dead on. The second I said it, I was like, this is a horrible idea. Jessalyn, I'm trying to build you up. Okay? We're trying to build you up. All the bad friends following Jessalyn on TikTok. Yeah. Wow. Get ready for my first Rolex. Have you guys ever had lucky charms in the morning, man? I'm getting a charm on my wrist. A Rolex, man. Talk about Akash. No, it's the same accent. All right.

All right. So she is beautiful. Let's follow her, everybody. Akash, we love you. We love you. Love you, Akash. We love you so much. What I'm saying is, is that is it human nature to be with one person for the rest of your life? Yeah. Yeah. It's it's it's it's well, marriage for sure.

Being with someone. Having a partner for the rest. I don't know if it's genetically. I think that we assume that it's supposed to be perfect for your whole life. It's not a natural state. Okay. But it's a social construct that I think has clinged to many people. I can do it. And benefited us. It wouldn't still be here if it didn't help us as a society. Or help some people, right? Like this. In the same way that like.

I'll tell you why it happened. Yeah. Well, Santina's married. I know a little bit about it. And we don't have kids. I know a little bit about history. In the same way that like, I think it would make me very happy to have kids. If we don't have them, it's okay. So to me, it's kind of like that same thing. If some people don't get married, I know that they're like, I'm okay with it. Yeah. I think it just services people who it services. But you're glad that you have a partner. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad I have somebody that like is

is along for the ride, up and down. It's all of the above. I think the mistake that was given to people socially is like marriage is this perfect, wonderful thing. And you're going to be happy every single day of your life. It's a joke. That shit is work, bro. You're going to have crazy downs. You have crazy ups. Are you always attracted to them?

them though. I find her attractive. Yes. But you're not always like in a, it's not like a fucking, it's not a state of horniness. You're in every second, but you find them beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. That's you're in love with this person. I watched a documentary called civilization. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So we're nomads for many, many years. Yeah. Okay. As soon as we had, we can grow crops. Yes. Wheat. Wheat. Yes. And it's, we made settlements. Yeah. And that's when the marriage thing came. That's right. Right. When we can afford them.

I don't know. As soon as we built up enough equity, then we were like, okay, I have stuff if you need it. But I think it was harder to do as a nomad to keep a relationship. Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, in the word nomad. See you whenever. But we still need to make the kids and we still need to protect them. Yeah. Well,

Oh, that's true. Got to protect them. Okay. I mean, that's probably why it was built. Yeah, for community and protection. And yeah, also to pass down like assets and shit. That's what all the marriage was, I think, in like the royal family. Yeah, 100%. Like, how do we keep all this land within, you know, this. I believe it's supposed to be true then. Yeah. Okay. You believe in it.

Yeah. I mean, sometimes I think about maybe it isn't. If you never meet someone and never have a family, who would you bequeath all of your assets to? Like any money you've earned or a house that you've owned? Oh, if I had no woman? If you had no one and you were on your way out. But my mom's still alive or is she dead? Everybody's dead. Everyone's dead. My brother not? Dead. Steve's younger. He's dead now. I just couldn't. Yeah, yeah. No, what? If Steve's still alive, probably most to him. And then the rest too?

If you're still alive, I'll give you some. Okay, that's nice. Okay. Schultz, I love you. I love you, man. It's always fun with you. I love hanging with you. It's so fun with you. Yeah, you guys are great. Schultz has a special. Yes. It's a Netflix special. Yeah. It is called Life. Yeah. It is his life.

I saw him run it. Well, run pieces of it, I guess, in Phoenix when we were in Phoenix together. That was my first weekend. I know. I saw that. Yeah. It's kind of cool watching you peel it. And now I know it's dramatically different than what I first saw. Sure, sure. But incredible as usual. Can I ask you some questions? I'm doing one now. Yeah, please. Where are you doing it? This is like a big Hulu. Hulu. Shout out Hulu. We both did Hulu. I know you did Hulu. We left. I've never done one. Yeah. There's a lot of expectations on it.

And that's what I'm worried about. Yeah, of course. Because I have never done one. You've built it up so much. I feel like they want to see the best. And I can only just do what I can do. I think you just got to do what you do. Yeah, yeah. Again, what he just talked about. You cannot care what they're thinking about. There are going to be people that hate it and there are going to be people that love it. I would argue a very, very small percentage of people are not going to like it. Yeah. A remarkably small. But those people, there will be people that don't even watch it that hate it.

- They just decided they're gonna hate it. - What do you think, I'm gonna watch a Bobby Lee special? Fuck that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's gonna be a natural thing, but at the same time, just do what you wanna do. - This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do it and then I'm gonna disappear. - Yeah. - Oh, that's good too. - I'm gonna Ari Shaffir it. - I love how Ari does it. - But we're still gonna do the pod. - We'll bank it because I want two weeks. - Where are you gonna go? - I'm gonna be to go to Costa Rica. - Don't you think after you shoot a special, you should have some time off? - Yeah. - Yeah.

okay what do you got it you got to promote it for a little bit after it comes out not everybody just here no why can't i just do it before because you know with streaming i think it matters after it comes out yeah that's right okay then i'll do it for a month of promoting and then i'll go to cluster also i think that we all got a route for hulu yeah i think we got a route for hulu and route for amazon because like the more places that are doing stand-up the better it is for stand-ups good for all of us you know what i mean like because now there's

If it's just one place, they could just go, here's this amount of money and you got to take it. That's what I felt from the other company. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, they didn't hit that number that you wanted. No, they never offered. Yeah. That's not true. That is 100% true. I imagine once you got an offer from Hulu, there was interest for, I didn't get, I didn't literally hear that, but you know, I didn't know. When are you taping? When are you taping? I just did it. You just did it. I'm doing in December. Okay, cool. Where are you doing it? San Diego. Where?

- Balboa Theater. - I love the Balboa Theater. - Yeah, yeah. - So good. Go watch Life on Netflix. - Yeah. - Please. - Please watch it. - Enjoy Our Friend as much as we do. - Yeah. - Andrew, look in that camera and say thanks for being a bad friend. - Thank you so much for being a bad friend. - That's great. - Aw, man.