Anxiety Over New Activities, Summer Camp, Moving, School & More? #485
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So do you have a child who will provoke a big power struggle when you just try to get them to go to some new place or try a new activity?

Maybe they're already hemming and hawing about not going to that expensive summer camp that they insisted you sign them up for. Maybe a child who refuses to go to school. Do you have a child who is nervous about family vacation or an upcoming move? Well, most of our kids struggle with anxiety, so I want to give you very specific strategies and scripts

to help you with this on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us and our summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, when our kids resist, we tend to threaten consequences or try to bribe them, but nothing rational works because anxiety is not rational.

Here is why many of our kids struggle with this so much. We have kids with very busy brains. It feels like thoughts and ideas and emotions are tumbling around like socks in a dryer. Some of our kids are very sensitive to the reactions of others and they struggle to connect with peers so they anticipate feeling awkward or being rejected in new places.

So it feels like so much of their lives are out of their control, which is why they try to control other people, situations, and things. They can be bossy. You'll often find little acorns or stones in their pockets. They want to know exactly what the plan is, and they often melt down when plans change.

When you try to play board games with them, they change rules of the game, cheat or quit. That's a way to control the outcome of the game so they don't lose because if they lose, that makes them feel like a loser. It's why they wear the same hoodie and eat the same foods, usually something like mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, simple carbs,

because their stomach is upset, partly because of the anxiety. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you cannot control. Anxiety tends to create upset stomachs and cause people to control others and things.

Some of us find comfort, let's say, in making sure the kitchen sink is clean before bedtime because we know, I can't control my spouse or my kids, but my sink is spotless. It provides a sense of internal order.

So let me do a few easier, quicker examples first than the tougher ones that usually cost you money. Okay, vacation example. You're going on vacation this summer. So look up the condo that you're staying in online so that your kids can just get familiar with the layout to know which bedroom is theirs, where it's located. Look, I'm a grown man who travels overseas quite a bit, and I still like doing this. I like knowing where local restaurants...

and outdoor adventure stores are nearby. That familiarity when I walk into that place, even to know where to park, is very settling. Give your kids a mission. The mission on vacation isn't to just behave and not embarrass you in front of your family.

It's a mission they can focus on, preferably some kind of adult job. They can plan outings for one day of your trip, find a grocery store, a restaurant they want to go to, the cheapest place to rent a raft or jet skis or bikes. It gives them something they feel in control of and something they're good at doing, which is creating a success. So let's say that you're moving to a new city or home.

Let them see where it is on Google Maps. They can see where the closest rock climbing place is. Plan some local adventures. If they're older, they can plan where they're going to meet other kids or get a job. Let them have some control within your limits of what color to paint their new bedroom. Remember, you want to give them a little bit of ownership, always within your boundaries, and create that familiarity. What about kids who are starting a new school in the fall?

Look, do not wait until back to school night to introduce your kids to their new teacher. Because on those back to school nights, there is so much anxiety in that school.

So, physically take your kids to the new school over the summer. Let them walk around outside. Get familiar with the playground in the school. Get permission to walk the halls, to see where the cafeteria is, maybe even to see where their locker is. One of my recurring nightmares that I have, not frequently, but once in a while, is I can't remember the combination to my locker and I'm going to be late to class.

See if you can meet someone who's very warm and friendly before school begins, like an assistant principal, a guidance counselor, a facilities manager, a receptionist in the front office, anyone who will be a familiar face and know your child's name, not just because they're in trouble.

For little kids with separation anxiety, watch your tone of voice. If you're like, well, honey, you know what? I think you're going to have a good time today. And you know, I'll be back in a couple hours. See, trying to convince or reassure your kids that everything is okay and using that voice, that actually backfires on you. It makes them not believe you at all. So you have to use that confident, even matter of fact tone, even if you have to fake it. Because otherwise...

They will pick up on your anxiety. So work on that. Let's give them a mission going into the school. I'd ask a teacher or someone from the school to meet you in the carpool line and say, oh, Rebecca, I'm so excited that you're here today. I could really use your help. Could you come inside and help me with X?

See, now you're getting their brain focused on something they can do, something they can control. And that eliminates some of the anxiety. And it also helps the teacher get the child away from you and your own anxiety because you've got to work on that. Now, here's one that I really love. And this is for older kids who really struggle with going to school because, look, middle school is tough.

High school can be. And instead of a teacher or someone saying, Caitlin, you know what? Why haven't you been here all week? You know, if you keep missing classes, you're going to fail. That's the least helpful thing you could say. That guarantees that this girl will not come back again tomorrow.

But I guarantee if there were a teacher who said in a very even way, you know what, nobody knows how much courage it took for you to get here today, but I'm glad you're here. Now that will get an anxious kid of any age to school. So here's the bigger example. And this was very common with our son Casey. I've asked Casey,

"Do you want to take that new Taekwondo class this summer?" And he'd nod. Two weeks later, I'd come home and I'd say, "Hey, gotta go, gotta go. We got that new class tonight. Let's get going." And he would, of course, resist and say, "Dad, you know what? My stomach's kind of upset tonight. Can we just stay home tonight? I promise I'll go next week." And I missed that clue at first. So I, of course, would respond first with a useless bribe. "Hey, if we leave right now, we can stop at McDonald's and get a Happy Meal. That way, we'll all be happy." And that doesn't work.

So then I go the resentment and guilt trip route. My tone and face change become stern and demanding. "You know what? I paid $175 for this class. Your little butt's gonna be there." Well, this demanding tone always triggers your kids to dig in even more. And it wasn't like my son was ever going to say, "Father, I didn't want to go because I have deep-seated anxiety about being rejected and failing at this class.

But now that I know how much it costs you, I'm motivated and happy to go. That's not happening.

And I'm trying a rational, logical approach on a child who is decidedly not rational right now. Anxiety and most of our issues are not rational. They are driven by emotions and fears and anxiety, which is why love and logic is flawed because it assumes that people make rational choices. But we don't. Very few of us do.

and our kids don't care about consequences. So still not learning my lesson, I would then bark out harsh consequences and try to drag them out to the car and put them in the back seat like the cops do with suspects in those cop shows, right? Like hand over the head, like get in the car. And all the neighbors would be watching, and that would be awesome. And you've been there before with all your neighbors witnessing your child being defiant and throwing a huge meltdown and calling you names.

That's partially what caused me to learn how to do this differently because at the time we were living in a town home outside Washington, D.C. where we had like 5,000 neighbors all packed together and they could see all of my parenting mistakes right in front of them.

And this is when your child stomps his or her feet and declares, "No, I'm not going. Taekwondo's stupid. You're stupid." How many of you have ever gotten that lovely gift as a parent? So in the moment, we usually take this as defiance and disrespect. We react. We double down on the consequences. You know what? If you don't go to this class, no video games, no food for two weeks. All right, that's the guy version. We threaten consequences we can't keep.

But watch, this is really important. By reacting and taking it personally, we are missing a huge opportunity in this moment to teach, to give the child tools that will last him or her a lifetime to deal with their anxiety. And we miss the opportunity to bond with them.

Look, this is not disrespect. We are misreading it. It's anxiety. If your child could articulate what he or she is feeling, they would say, "Mother, Father, I am overwhelmed by all the unknowns this new activity represents.

What if it's really loud and chaotic at that new place I've never been to? What if the Taekwondo instructor isn't patient with me just like a lot of my teachers? What if the other kids pick on me? I struggle with multiple step processes. So what if I'm not good at Taekwondo and I fail? Then I'll feel like a loser and want to quit, but dad will yell at me for being a quitter. So could we retire to the den and speak about my anxiety?

See, if they could say that, then you would know what's really going on underneath the surface. But we tend to react and assume the worst. I remember once saying out of frustration, why do you have to make everything so difficult?

And that will bruise a child's spirit. It will crush your relationship in ways you cannot imagine. That will make a kid begin to internalize, I'm a bad kid. I make everything difficult. My mom or my dad don't even like me.

Now, here's how brilliant your child is without even knowing it. They go right for the jugular. I'm not going. Well, if you were raised like me, man, that'll make you bristle. What makes you think that you can talk to me like that young man? Right? You're, you are not going to challenge my authority. And then they go to Taekwondo is stupid. You're stupid. Well, why do they go there? Because

because they know that then they are going to get sent to their room or worse, and that is still preferable to going to this new place, because inside they're thinking, I would rather get sent to my room with no video games or food, because that's familiar to me. I'm used to that.

That's better than going to this new place where I'm going to be rejected by another adult, picked on by peers, and fail again. No effing way. See, can you kind of see how that works?

This is one reason consequences rarely work with these kids. You're not getting to the root of it and we're needlessly escalating the situation. So let's rewind this situation and see how we can do it differently with a different result.

How many of you have kids who struggle with impulse control? We do. So we taught Casey practical ways to delay gratification by saving money because it's very tangible. I encourage you to build this new habit with your kids this summer with the Acorns Early app and debit card. I'm so glad today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. It's a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of money.

I like teaching with money because your kids can see how their choices directly add up in concrete ways. It's one of the best habits we've taught Casey. Acorns Early makes building this new habit easy and fun. So head to acornsearly.com or download the Acorns Early app to help your kids grow their money skills today. That's acornsearly.com slash calm.

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Okay, I admit, I am one of those hard-to-shop-for dads. So Casey surprised me three years ago with a subscription to AG1 for Father's Day, long before they became an awesome sponsor. He knows I value my health, being active and staying regular. Funny aside, now that he's 32, he does as well. And our entire family starts our day with AG1. Look, it's a quick, easy win. The first thing we put in our bodies is 75 vitamins, probiotics,

prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients and now with ag1 next gen their upgraded formula has been clinically shown to increase healthy gut bacteria by 10 times this is the perfect time to try ag1 or give it as a father's day gift

If you use my link at drinkag1.com slash calm, you'll get a free gift with your first order. So subscribe today at drinkag1.com slash calm to try the next gen of AG1 for less than $3 per day. That's drinkag1.com slash calm. So when you encounter the power struggle and resistance, which you will probably within 24 hours,

You have to slow your world down inside. But being calm isn't being some Zen master. You're still going to feel angry, resentful, frustrated. You just don't react and act on those emotions. Otherwise, it just escalates things every time. Instead, you choose to slow down your world so you can see the situation more clearly. Problem solve and teach because discipline means to teach, not punish.

So when I encounter that resistance, I become a detective and I step outside of my own anxiety and my own agenda, right? Like I paid a lot of money, so I need to get that kid to this class because he might make a new friend and needs to work off some of that energy.

So I step out of that and I notice what's going on inside my child. And for the skeptical men out there who are like, oh, that's too soft. This is the very process we use in business deals. We actively read body posture, tone of voice, and anticipate a customer's objections so we can reassure them and lead them. We do it every day at work. So do the same with your kids.

So your child says, which Casey said all the time, my stomach's upset tonight. Well, that's a sure sign of anxiety. Anxiety lives in the stomach. So now you can get to the root of the issue. This is not defiance or disrespect or even a discipline issue. It's an anxiety issue. And

And as long as you keep reacting to the outward behavior and just barking consequences, you won't get to the root of it. So here's how we do that. Number one, normalize anxiety. We usually try to convince kids, well, there's no need to feel upset or anxious or nervous. Well, that feels dismissive and it's just not true because your child should feel anxious in this moment. So say that.

Of course your stomach is a little upset. You should be anxious. You're going to a new place you've never been with a teacher and other kids you've never met. It would be weird if you weren't apprehensive about that. I feel the same exact thing before I give presentations to a new client I've never met. That's normal. Do you know how calming that is to know that

that there's nothing wrong with feeling anxious and there's nothing wrong with you. I'm not making an excuse. I'm not saying, so therefore, let's just stay home. No, I'm normalizing it. One of the most damaging things we've done in our society is made anxiety into something awful. Well,

Well, guess what happens when you send a child to a therapist every week to, quote, talk about your anxiety? Well, they become even more anxious. And it would be really helpful if parents and teachers and therapists told teens and tweens especially, of course you feel awkward and confused and anxious. That means you're a normal teenager. And I do love the phrase, of course.

Number two, give kids a mission wherever they go. Try to get there a little bit early. Ideally, I'd take my child to this new Taekwondo class a few days ahead of time so he or she can sit in the stands, eat a snack, observe other people in the classes, see what it sounds and smells like there because many of your kids are sensitive to that.

without any pressure to perform. See, that familiarity is really helpful. It's better than rushing in at the last minute on the first night. Come on, go. Okay, go have a good time. You're going to have a great time. Well, no, they're going to be really anxious. So here's a big key. Always ask the adult in charge, whether that's a teacher, assistant principal, a scout leader, to give your child a specific mission or job to do. Our kids love helping other adults, just not you.

Hey, Mr. Taekwondo, listen, my son's going to be in your class on Thursday night. He gets a little anxious, but he loves helping other adults. Could you give him a job to do? Because he'll be extra responsible for you. Taekwondo guy says, hey, Casey, I'm psyched that you're in my class. I could really use your help. Could you get here five minutes early to help me rearrange the mats and set up?

So watch when you come home a few nights later and say, "Hey, it's Taekwondo tonight." What triggers inside your child's brain is not all the unknowns, but the mission. "Hey, mom, dad, we need to leave like three and a half hours early, so we're not going to be late." Notice how your kids do that. They like getting there early because that relieves their anxiety. They get to connect with the adult before all the other kids show up, before all the chaos and noise, which is really intimidating for your kids.

and intimidating for me even as a grown man now he's got a personal connection with the adult and that helps plus his brain is focused on completing the mission and you just created a success and now the biggest thing to me is not just stopping the power struggle or getting the child to go

It's teaching them how to deal with their anxiety over the long term. Because the truth is, most of your kids are just going to live with this for the rest of their lives like I do. And if you have tools like exercise and other things to deal with it, well, now I can know, well, this is normal.

This is part of being a, look, part of the anxiety is they're sensitive kids and they pick up on things. They see patterns in things. That contributes to their anxiety, but it also can make them very, very creative. They can understand, they know what buttons to push. They will make great salespeople, very persuasive. It's just all part of the package here.

And so you get to teach them skills while you bond with them because now you get them. And this is the most important part. You become the trusted person who understands what the anxiety feels like and who helps them overcome that so they can enjoy an activity. And you bonded over something challenging.

And you've taught your child this is normal. And then you show them specific ways to handle anxiety for the rest of their lives. So even like participating in a sport, have a coach ask your child, hey, could you come early and help me create some basketball drills for the team to do? Well, now he feels like a coach and he'll come out. For a child who's really good with younger kids, maybe it's, hey, I coach eight, nine-year-olds. Would you come out one evening and help me teach them basic skills? Because I've heard you're really good at that.

Well, now your child feels good because they have something to give someone else. So let's apply this to summer camp. And I'm hoping to save you money because you committed a lot of money that summer camp. And then your child is going to start working you a little bit about why they're not going to go. If you can, try to get a personal connection with the camp leader ahead of time.

If the camp leader can ask your child to come a few minutes early or to help with a mission, collecting wood, making fire, some activity your child is really good at doing. It gets their brain focused. I want you to create a success. If you know another child going to the camp, drive together because that familiarity and comfort helps as well. Now here's a cool idea and this is a shout out to Aiden.

He's the inspiration for this episode. He's a 10-year-old from Kansas City. He's an old soul. So he insisted to his parents that he be allowed to listen to a few of our downloadable programs. And a lot of our kids do that. They really love Casey's program. And he heard me talking about anxiety and told his mom. And this is beautiful for your kids to understand. I always thought that was something bad.

that I felt that way, but now I know it's normal and I can deal with it. See that? Knowing that like, oh, I'm resilient. I've got the confidence. Okay. I know I'm going to struggle with anxiety throughout my life, but now I've got the tools to deal with it. So Aiden actually approached his scout leader on his own and said, hey,

I get a little nervous, but I'm really good at tying knots and rock climbing. Could I help teach other kids how to do this? See, just think how empowering that is for a kid. So Aiden, well done. Proud of you, my friend.

So I would consider letting your kids listen to this podcast so they understand themselves better and they feel understood. Look, the little kids who are carrying around acorns in their pockets and they'll be like, wait, I do that. Well,

Well, understanding, okay, so it's a very normal human thing. And then they'll point out the stuff that you do, right? Your OCD kind of stuff and like, well, mom, I've noticed you do the dishes every night before bed. And you're kind of like a little bit upset if you don't do the dishes. And dad, you have your little things. See, they're understanding what it is just to be a normal human person.

But then they know, oh, this is why I do it. And then progressively over time, because your kids are really insightful and smart, they will come up with better ways, more healthy ways to deal with their anxiety, like getting exercise, like doing these missions,

And then if you let them listen to this or to our downloadable programs, you can talk about different strategies together. To be honest, that would be one of my missions this summer is let your kids listen to this stuff, work on it when there's not all that pressure with school and homework and all the rush. And you can work on them understanding how their brains work. Okay, you're probably going to have an opportunity to practice a new response to one of these situations this week.

Use this to bond with your kids and teach them lifelong skills. Thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast with other parents who struggle as well. Thanks for wrestling with all these ideas, breaking those generational patterns. I have enormous respect for you. All right, love you all, and we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.